Pretty Little Liars S02 E01 – Unwise choices.

Previously: Ian was a murder-y murderer, and he maybe died? But his body disappeared.
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It’s Alive

Lorraine: The first episode of season two starts moments after where we left off at the end of For Whom the Bell Tolls. The girls are sharing a group WTF over the fact that Ian was most definitely dead, and now his body is missing. They of course attribute this to A shenanigans.

Creepy Jenna-kissing Officer Garrett comes over to tell the girls that they are being taken down to the station and their parents will meet them there. The girls don’t question this, and hop on into Officer Garrett’s car. He takes a turn that is decidedly not towards the station, pulls into a back alley and demands that the girls all get out of the car in a super creepy fashion.

Out in the alley, he tells the girls he was just acting like he might kill them all, all because talking in the car isn’t safe. He asks them to keep the whole blackmailing Ian thing secret and then wonders if they still have the Pedo Peeping Tom videos. Emily confirms that they made a copy. Garrett says that they should be prepared to answer how they got a copy of the videos, and this encourages them to keep the videos a secret, WHICH IS SO STUPID. The videos are the only thing that would implicate Ian, or make this whole mess make any kind of sense. All they have to say was, “we found Alison’s key to a storage unit and it was in there.” Done.

But no. They are going to lie. The girls and Garrett all get back in the car, and we see that Jenna is standing at a nearby corner, watching them because that bitch is totally not even blind.

Sara: I am very confused about why they think keeping this secret is a good idea. GIRLS. Have you not learned anything from the past 22 episodes?! Never trust a man in Rosewood and never keep a secret. The rules are easy.

Sweeney: HE GIVES THEM NO ACTUAL REASON FOR THIS STUPID IDEA. WHY HAVEN’T THEY LEARNED TO STOP TRUSTING PEOPLE YET? The amount of stalking and life threatening they have experienced should make them paranoid about everything and they’d be better off for it.

Lor: SHHHHHH.

The girls are all in Spencer’s room, clearly spent after their crazy night and the following questioning. Spencer says she wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for A, and Hanna doesn’t think that A killing Ian for Spencer is a comforting thought. Probably phantom pains are shooting up the leg she broke when A ran her over with a car when she says this. Spencer tells the girls that she didn’t see anything, but that they can safely assume Jenna isn’t A, because they are still operating under the assumption that Jenna is actually blind.

Sweeney: A stupid assumption. Spencer saw all that glass in Jenna’s room. Get your Nancy Drew on, girl.

Lor: Emily sensibly says that they should, you know, tell people that they are being stalked by A, but all the other girls gasp in horror at the thought of being honest and forthcoming! They would always be known as the girls that blinded Jenna for some reason, even though they are really the girls who were once friends with the girl who blinded Jenna. But whateves.

Sara: And even still, I think I’d rather be the girl who blinded Jenna than the girl who had a car thrown at her or the girl who was shoved off of a bell tower and conveniently strangled in the ropes at the bottom.

Sweeney: Amen.

Lor:  And amen.

The girls decide they need coffee, and Aria cutely suggest she make it. Hanna and Emily support this plan, as Spencer’s coffee gives them the shakes. Spencer calls them amateurs.

Downstairs, the girls find that all of their parents have convened. MariskaMom takes on the role of explaining what’s going on: Spencer is still a person of interest in Alison’s murder investigation, and since the Ian’s dead body disappearing thing, the police think the other three Liars are also involved. Spencer gets defensive immediately, and starts to explain once again that Ian killed Alison and tried to kill her.

Sara: I kind of wish Spencer would lay off of the Ian killed Ali theory. Girl, the clues are not in your favor. Maybe just defend yourself for right now and leave the crazy eyes out of it.

Sweeney: YES. She knows she has presented no evidence and that it just keeps getting her into more trouble with everyone. Chill.

Lor: PiperMom says they heard what they had to say already and Papa Cheater says there is no need to rehash it. This is all about moving forward. MariskaMom says that while the police sort through the case, they want the girls to see a grief counselor to help deal with Alison’s death, and with what the police are calling an obsession to pin Alison’s death on Ian.

Sweeney: Not really wise to push that life philosophy in this scenario, but a great one all the same.

Lor: We’re still super early in the episode, but the number of unwise choices so far is impressive.

Emily asks if they think they are lying, and Mama Fields says she believes her daughter, but is concerned with how this all appears to the police. MariskaMom says this is a preemptive strike that will be used to garner public and police sympathy. Spencer asks MariskaMom if she believes them and she says that she’s concerned with protecting her children. Spencer notes that that’s not actually answering the question. It’s a bitch move, too, because even Mama Fields said she believed her big lesbian daughter.

Aria says they haven’t heard from Ian for a reason, mainly that he’s dead. Papa Hastings says that dead men don’t get up and walk away and Emily says that someone moved the body. This doesn’t convince The Parents very much.

Sara: I hate to say it, but… Fair.

Lor: At that moment, there is a knock on the door. Papa Hastings  answers it and it’s Toby, come to ask after Spencer.

 

Papa Hastings isn’t having it, and says that if he doesn’t want to hurt Spencer, he’ll keep his filthy reputation away from her. Papa Hastings shuts the door, turns back and apologizes to Spencer. She runs back upstairs and her friends follow.

Officer Garrett and Jenna sit in a car, in the dark, because I’m pretty sure this is foreplay when you are Creepy Jenna and Pedobear Policeman Garrett. They are watching a house and wondering out loud about Jason, Alison’s brother, moving back into their old house. Garrett wonder if he’s looking for a specific something, but Jenna shushes him all, “SHHHH. The audience cannot receive actual information or revelations.” Garrett says no one can find out about The Jason Thing. Another Thing! Hmm, maybe we’ll get one Thing per season.

Sweeney: These people need to work on better names for their many elaborate secrets. This is just lazy scandal naming.

Lor: After a Not Commercial Break, we’re at Rosewood High, and Aria is walking with her mother. PiperMom says she could’ve stayed home another day, and Aria asks if that would be her home, or PiperMom’s home. This allows PiperMom to say that she’s decided to move back in, a little bit for Aria’s sake, and a little bit because she’s ready to do so.

The Liar’s walk into English class and everyone stares at them like children do when they’ve played a prank, and they are being really not stealthly about waiting for a reaction. On the chalk board, someone has drawn a Hangman set-up. The hangman is completely drawn and the world is “liars,” though the i and s are missing.

Sara: It’s like the whole of Rosewood is watching the same show we are now!

Lor: The girls take their seat, and just after them Ezrafitz enters. He gives Aria A LOOK, just because he can and they will never, ever get caught. He sees what’s on the board, and starts to erase it when Noel Kahn walks in and offers to help him with that. Ezrafitz tells him to sit his ass down, and Noel gives the smarmiest smile of all life, greeting people on his way to sit down next to Aria. “Miss me?” he smarms, and even though we know who murdered Alison, I’m pretty sure Noel murdered Alison. I know that doesn’t make sense, BUT LOOK AT THAT SMARMY FACE.

 

Sara: What’s weird is that he looks like he should be one of the good guys on Vampire Diaries. But here, UGH.

Lor: Later, Hanna is in the hall, and some bitchy girls are gossiping near her about Spencer having an affair with Ian. Mona comes over and does a good friend thing.

 

Sweeney: I have a much more limited memory on this show than other shows, what with them constantly flipping shit on us, so I was all, “Aw, Mona!” In my defense, the show took Toby from “Probably a murderer” to “Wrongly accused and actually the biggest victim on this entire show” in about 15 minutes.

Lor: Hanna remembers the previous summer when things were easy and says maybe she does need therapy. Mona gives her a look, and she quickly covers with “retail.”

Aria and Spencer are also hanging out in the hallway. Aria wants to know how Noel Kahn gets suspended and comes back more popular than he left. Ezraftiz comes out into the hallway and asks to see Aria about her “essay.” Spencer tells her she doesn’t have to go, but Aria does anyways. In his classroom, Ezra asks Aria about the previous night’s events, but Aria doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s hung up on Ezra being old enough to have an ex-fiance. Something like that. Ezra insists that nothing has changed and that he loves her, but Aria says it feels different. He asks if they are over and I chant, “YES! YES! YES!” Aria says, “I don’t know.” Meh.

Sara:

Lor: Spencer walks to Toby’s house, which has it’s own malicious flutes soundtrack. She knocks on the door and Jenna answers and says her parents don’t want Spencer there. Spencer tries to protest, but Jenna slams the door in her face. SLAP HER, SPENCER. Ahem. Sorry.

At Emily’s house, she’s inexplicably watching the video of Toby being raped. I mean, she closes the computer before the rape starts happening but still. It’s then that she notices a man lurking in her doorway. Emily is startled but her mother comes along to introduce this guy as the realtor. He takes a look around her room, making comments 100% guaranteed to break Emily’s heart like, “hide your photos,” and “this will make a good guest bedroom” and “you should paint over this wall where you marked your height over the years.” He leaves, and Mama Fields follows behind. Emily slams her door shut so she can watch rape videos in peace.

At the Hastings’s home, Melissa is just getting off the phone and telling Officer Garrett that Ian’s aunt says she hasn’t seen him but will call if she does. They’ve contacted all of his relations but there is no word on him yet. Spencer walks in and says she’s happy Melissa is home, but just gets a death glare in return because your husband of a few weeks who asked you to lie for him about something involving a murder > your baby sister. In related news, I hate Melissa.

Sara: Yep, still the worst. She is next on my To Be Slapped List.

Sweeney: Someone mentioned that her One Tree Hill character may have been slapped and I watched an entire 6 minute scene in which she got crazy murder eyes and stalked a child through a corn field. I have no context for why any of this happened, but she got a bottle of wine smashed over her head at the end of it, which was pretty awesome. Behold:

Lor: That… is oddly satisfying.

After Officer Garrett is gone, Spencer tells Melissa that even though she doesn’t believe it, the truth is that Ian is dead. Melissa says that she doesn’t know where he is, but when Ian comes home, they are leaving because she doesn’t want Spencer near their demon spawn. Spencer yells back that Ian isn’t coming home, on account of being dead. MariskaMom says they are trying to figure out where Ian is, pretty much admitting that she thinks Spencer is a liar. MM says Spencer is just complicating things.

Spencer stands angrily and responds, “You know what? You were right about one thing yesterday. You do have two daughters but you are only protecting one. I guess the other one’s just a complication.” BAM. That’s what we’ve been saying all along. The situation is unbelievable for sure, but since the start, MariskaMom has consistently sided with stupid Melissa. And for that, she falls way down low in my mom ranking. She can’t rely on her police-yelling laurels forever. Spencer storms off, and MariskaMom just sits and soothes Melissa.

Spencer, Emily and Aria sit in their new therapist’s office quietly when Hanna comes in, arms loaded with shopping bags. She apologizes for being late, but to her dismay, she hasn’t missed a thing.

Lucas is dropping Caleb off somewhere. Caleb thanks him for the ride and the motel room. Lucas tells him not to do whatever he did to Hanna again.

Sara: Damn, Lucas is paying for the hotel room, too? That’s like the exact opposite of cockblocking. (L: Cock enabling?) Good for you, Lucas.

Sweeney: Indeed. At that point it’s a bit excessive, really. Lucas must ship Haleb as much as we do, which makes me like him a lot more.

Lor: Therapy session. Señora Therapy notes that they all credit Alison for the friendship, and they confirm this. She points out, though, that Alison is gone and they are still friends. In tag team, they say that it wasn’t always the case. They grew apart when Ali went missing, but were brought back together when season one happened.

 

Señora Therapy tells them that they don’t have to deal with all this alone, and that nothing they say can go beyond those walls. Aria asks the girls if they want to talk about “that thing,” and instantly a phone starts to beep and chirp. Señora Therapy asks what it is, and Spencer’s all, “TIME’S UP.”

Outside, the girls discover it wasn’t A– Aria’s mom was just texting her. Spencer spots Toby nearby and smiles at him hopefully, but he’s with Jenna and they can’t get their Spoby kisses on. Emily notices a newspaper stand and the girls see that they are on the front. Spencer speed reads the article: Ian’s car was found by the train station, $10,000 was missing from his account, and everyone thinks that he skipped town and the Liars made up the story about his death because of reasons. Their phones go off and this time it IS A. “I spy a Liar. -A”

Sara: This still makes no sense to me. How would they have known he was skipping town? Why wouldn’t he show back up to be all, “uh… hey, I’m not dead?” This plot line makes my head hurt.

Lor: After a break, Mama Marin is sitting alone at her kitchen table with a Big Ass Goblet of Win. (It’s a regular glass, but with Game of Thrones off the air, we so rarely get to say Big Ass Goblet of Win, and that’s a shame.) Hanna gets home, happily babbling about how much money she saved while shopping, but Mama Marin has her serious business face on. Hanna walks into the kitchen and sees that Caleb is sitting there. Mama Marin cutely says that she’s going to excuse herself to try on her new shoes. Before she leaves, she makes sure Hanna is okay.

Caleb looks at Hanna with his big wolfy-bad-boy eyes and Hanna says he isn’t allowed to look at her that way. He smiles and Hanna’s all, “NUH-UH. NO SMILING EITHER.” Caleb explains that he wrote all of his feelings in a letter because he’s not very good at expressing himself. He’s always felt alone, he says, until he met her. She asks what happened to the letter, and he explains that he gave it to Mona. Hanna appreciates him coming all this way to tell her, but it doesn’t change what he did. Caleb knows he can make it up to her, because he loves her. Unfortunately, Hanna doesn’t think she will be able to forget that he was using her. He apologizes again, and she says that she believes that he’s sorry, but that he should probably go. He sadly gathers his things, and says goodbye, in a firm and final way. Hanna watches him go and starts to cry, pretty, pretty tears.

 

Sweeney: I know it’s not really any consolation, what with her current state of heartbreak and all, but it’s so not fair that she gets to be so pretty when she cries.

Lor: Hanna finds Mona in Rosewood’s one restaurant and confronts her about the letter from Caleb. Mona says she was just trying to protect Hanna, and didn’t want to give him the chance to hurt her again. Hanna says that wasn’t Mona’s decision to make, and Caleb may have hurt her, but Mona hurt her worse. This is interrupted when NOEL FREAKIN’ KAHN walks in and greets Mona with a kiss. REALIZATION: Noel and Mona are A, together, because no one could date that smarmadouche unless they were in evil cahoots with him. NANCY DREW’D.

Hanna leaves and Mona looks marginally worried.

Spencer is trying on some clothes and she gets a text message from Emily. Toby is at the Fields Home waiting for her. As she is texting back, Melissa walks in and wants to talk to Spencer. She leads off with emotional manipulation, and says they picked out the name Taylor for her baby, as it works for a boy, girl, or demon spawn. Melissa apologizes about earlier.  She cry-says that she doesn’t believe what the police are saying about Ian skipping town, as he would never abandon Evil Baby Taylor. Melissa wants to hear again what happened at the church, because she wasn’t listening before when Spencer tried to explain. She doesn’t know what to believe.

Sara: WHATEVER MELISSA, I STILL HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID TAYLOR BABY.

Lor: Toby is looking at Emily’s height markers and saying she can’t paint over them. Emily sads about leaving and it being like she was never there. Toby gets an idea and uses a pocket knife to try and dislodge the trimming. He promises to make it look like new. Emily gets a text from Spencer saying she won’t be able to make it. Toby is crestfallen and Emily apologizes, though he insists he has nothing to apologize for. Emily reminds him of that time she believed he was a murderer and he’s all, “PFFT. Season one, girl.” Emily says that she was really good at hiding that she was different but Toby saw past that. She misses their friendship and feels like she’s leaving 4 friends behind. Toby tells her to look at how easy it was to fall back into their friendship. It will always be that way. Emily kisses him and I really like their friendship. I ship this friendship.

Sara: Tobily? Emiby?

We cut to Aria knocking on Ezra’s apartment door and I groan forever. I’m still groaning, because really: forever. Ezra answers the door shirtless for those of you who can look at him and not feel your lunch come up. I’m past that point, so it’s whatever. Aria opens by saying that they didn’t lie to the police. Ian is dead and his body is gone. Ezra knows that to be in a good pedo-lationship, you have to believe the minor, so he does straight away. The Parents should take note. I mean, like, after they have him arrested and stuff.

Aria again says that it feels like their relationship has changed, so Ezra tells her to ask him anything, and he’ll answer honestly. She asks him stuff that I don’t care about and he gives answers I don’t care about. It ends with the admission that Ezra was still in love with his ex when he met Aria. She’s not happy about that, and doesn’t stay even though he asks her to. At the door, Ezra asks if he can call tomorrow and Aria says no. She’ll see him Monday in English class. As she walks away, Aria gets a text from A.

 

Aria runs back to Ezra’s door and looks under the welcome mat. Of course the key is gone, because no one should hide a spare key under a welcome mat, or money in a lasagna box. #PrettyLittleLessons.

Sweeney: Hiding things is up there with “lying” and “holding onto evidence, including whole entire bodies” that everyone in this circle seems really, really bad at.

Lor: In Emily’s room, Aria is sharing the text with everyone. Hanna looks at the text and asks if that’s a Playboy she sees. Aria grabs the phone, and har har, it’s a Playbill, because Ezra Fitz, child predator, is cultured. Emily says it doesn’t matter what’s missing. A only meant to let them know that s/he was in the apartment. Emily is all, “hey guys, remember how A ran Hanna over with a car?” Spencer adds, “yeah, and A pretty much killed Ian.” So probably they should give A more murder-y credit. They discuss telling Señora Therapy about A, as she can’t tell anyone else. Hanna notes that she had a great pair of shoes on too.

 

They could even show her the Pedo Peeping Tom videos. The girls all agree to share.

We cut to the girls in the therapist’s office. Hanna confirms that she isn’t allowed to share patient information and Emily pulls out her laptop, but thinks they should tell before showing. Aria starts the story, but is interrupted by Spencer, who has just spotted a degree with Ezra Fitz’s name on it on a shelf nearby. Spencer looks at it pointedly and says this talk is preammature. Hanna and Emily catch on and they all akwardly say they will reschedule. Hanna, takes this time to steal the degree and then they skedaddle.

Outside, Aria says that Señora Therapy will definitely think they are crazy now. Hanna hands Aria the degree, and Aria puts together that it’s what A took from Ezra’s house. A knows they are seeing Señora Therapy, and they were just about to tell. Nowhere is safe for these girls.

Sara: What’s so irritating is that the only secret that could legit ruin anyone is the Pedolationship. So they can’t tell all because of stupid Aria and her stupid teacher boyfriend. 

Sweeney: YUP! Aria’s the one who was all, “We have a lot to lose!” but no, not really. Really it’s just you. Potentially Mama Marin, but there’s not really any proof on that one, what with the old lady being dead. So basically Ezrafitz is the only one with a secret that will ruin his life. AND HE FUCKING DESERVES TO BE RUINED, for being a pedobear, leaving his key in a stupid place, and mostly for being super boring.

Lor: Even with his shirt off.

Aria is at home, writing in her journal. Her parents come to see her, as they just got off the phone with Señora Therapy. It seems she doesn’t think they should keep seeing her as a group. What’s more, she’s made a recommendation that the girls spend time apart. Apparently, Señora Therapy didn’t get the memo that the Liar friendship is the best thing about the show.

At the Marin house, Hanna has just received the same news, that she isn’t allowed to see her friend. Mama Marin tries to lay a comforting hand on her daughter, and Hanna just moves away. We get a shot of Spencer alone, and it’s telling that her parents are nowhere to be seen. Mama Fields leaves Emily’s room, and she sits next to her piece of wall with the height markers.

After a Not Commercial Break, Spencer spots something moving outside her window, and she jumps into action like the BAMF she is, looking doors, windows, and grabbing a kitchen knife. She waits to see who comes into her house, and when she sees Toby, she drops the knifes and cries into his arms.

Señora Therapy is leaving her office and she’s followed by a shadowy figure.

Toby is saying goodbye to Spencer and sternly tells her to lock the freakin’ door. Mmmhmm. Amen. After he leaves, Spencer hears a phone and finds that it’s Melissa’s.

 

Spencer sends out an SOS text. The girls all gather in some sort of greenhouse? IDK. They freak over the possibility that this is really Ian. Spencer sends back a text, pretending to be Melissa, asking how she should know this is really Ian. He responds to ask him anything. Spencer asks, “what are we naming our demon spawn?” “Taylor,” the answer comes back, as the girls gasp in unison and something bangs in the distance.

Sara: But… but. A knows everything because A is basically God, so couldn’t A know the name of the baby, too? Why do they fall for these things every single time?!

Lor: Apparently, we aren’t done with A-NONYMOUS. Blah: A grabs a picture of all the Liars + Alison from Emily’s room. The real estate agent from before offers to show A the master bedroom. A puts the picture down and we pan over to Emily’s open, unlocked laptop, where A is deleting her entire drive.

And the missing evidence piles up.

 

Next time: The girls try to deal with being kept apart on Pretty Little Liars S02 E02- The Goodbye Look.