Previously: Non-stop ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ALERTS as Christian Grey lost his shit and blamed Ana for her pregnancy/accused her of entrapment. He dealt with this by going for drinks with his former statutory rapist.
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Sweeney: Chapters either begin with Ana waking up and asking herself lots of questions about how she came to a person who is awake or immediately after the previous chapter ended, with Ana asking lots of questions about the thing we just learned. This is the latter. She asks herself all sorts of questions about this “betrayal” and how he could do this to her. That’s the one that really gets me. How could he do this to you? Really, Ana? At this point the list of horrible things he has yet to do to you is much shorter than the ones he has. You should have made that list and kept it in your wallet for regular review so you know what to expect next.
I’m not kidding — two consecutive (short) paragraphs contain a grand total of 10 questions. (That’s including two instances of “Why.”)
Lorraine: I really resent that all these stupid questions make me question a few things. Those two instances of “why.” are more specifically, “Why. Why. Why?” So, like, why is only one of those whys a question? WHY?
Sweeney: Will it always be this way? Again, are you fucking kidding me girl? YES. Having now read more chapters than I want to count again because the last time I did that it made me super depressed, I can confirm that your life with Christian Grey is going to be the exact same bullshit over and over and over for the rest of forever. It will always be terrible and you will keep asking stupid questions about it as if you’re only just learning that it’s terrible. Forever and ever.
Lor: Hey, remember when people were all, “he ~*changes*~ in the third book?” Hahaha. Ha.
Sweeney: Yeah, about that:
She talks Christian up in her head by mentioning his “quiet strength” in helping her deal with her stepdad’s coma. This is more a commentary on how terrible she is than how awful he is, given that she’s essentially really pleased that he gave the same zero fucks that she did about Ray’s happiness/well-being/health except to the degree to which it interfered with theirs. She decides, however, that NOW she’s going to stop putting up with his bullshit, because BABY. OH MY GOD. SO THAT’S IT, HUH? BABIES REFORM MURDERAPISTS? THAT’S THE POINT TO THESE THREE BOOKS? Pregnancy gives empty, vapid women spines and makes their abusive spouses magically get all better, so all the terrible people out there? Go procreate!
In additional thoughts that can only be dealt with in gif form, she follows this up with something about how Grey’s psychiatrist (LOL, remember when the inappropriateness with the psychiatrist was some sort of horrifying new low? So young and naive and innocent, we were!) told her to give him a chance. Her point is basically that she gave him a chance and NO MORE CHANCES NOW. My point is “giving someone a chance” shouldn’t have been letting them continually beat you within an inch of your life and then deciding to marry them. But then, you know, Ana logic.
Then she decides to go through his phone. She forwards the text to herself — it’s all part of a plan that she’s hatched but won’t tell us right now because she’s too busy describing each time she blinks. Then she feels really guilty about reading his emails which LOL, girl, remember how he has a file on you? You lack the mental resources or vast network of contacts to ever snoop on Christian Grey to the unbelievably invasive degree to which he’s stalked you. But he man, you woman, so it’s way different.
As if to prove my Christian-Grey-has-all-the-stalker-contacts point, Ana finds an email from Grey’s IT guy detailing the things that they found on Jack Hyde’s computers. Names, addresses, resumes, and photographs for the whole Grey clan, basically. The list of names turns out to be so long that the Blackberry can’t even handle it so she moves on. There are no emails from the GSP or Mrs. Rape, so it’s whatever.
Lor: The email from his IT guy is so incredibly stupid. I can hear EL James mocking reader intelligence. It’s basically worded all, “as you know…” and “let me exposit all these things in email so someone can conveniently find them later.” Ugh.
Sweeney: #bestseller
Ana refers to Christian Grey as her “angelic sleeping Judas” (LOL, k) and isn’t about to share the bed with him. She decides that she’s going to punish him by spending the night in the Red Womb of Pain. This big ass apartment has a millionty rooms and she chooses to “punish” him for “fraternizing with the enemy” by spending the night in the room designated for rape and domestic violence. This Ana logic is so unlike the human logic with which I am best acquainted. At least Ana actually recognizes that disconnect this time: “Odd that I find the smell and ambience of this room so comforting, considering I safe worded the last time we were in here.” Very odd, indeed. Nothing soothes me to sleep like the smells of jizz, bloody tampon, and a hint of murder.
Lor: Hey, it’d been a while since EL James reminded us that she has absolutely no grasp on BDSM. Using the safe word isn’t supposed to suck the comfort out of BDSM. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE. IT’S A SAFE WORD, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. The fact that using the safe word, that expressing boundaries to Grey, makes her SO UNCOMFORTABLE is just further proof that this crap is abuse and ELJ is doing it wrong. Like, writing, yes, but more importantly, life.
Sweeney: The basic point of this entire chapter is Grey’s continued inability to respect that Ana has boundaries. Er, I’m sorry — this chapter is additional set up for how much he’s going to change.
She then sends Grey this annoying allcaps text message: “WOULD YOU LIKE MRS. LINCOLN TO JOIN US WHEN WE EVENTUALLY DISCUSS THIS TEXT SHE SENT TO YOU? IT WILL SAVE YOU RUNNING TO HER AFTERWARD. YOUR WIFE” before falling asleep thinking about how now she’s seriously for seriously serious going to make Grey choose between herself and Mrs. Rape, on account of Young Fifty sucking at her lifeforce from inside her uterus.
She wakes up at 7:50 to the sounds of someone rattling the playroom door and Grey shouting her name. She has to check her phone for the time because she slept in a windowless room. That reminder creeped me out so I just thought I’d share. She put her phone on silent when she went to sleep and has apparently missed a bunch of calls from Grey and Kate. She doesn’t have time for their voicemails because she’s got to get to work. Grey did not, apparently, wait outside the door for her or actually realize that she was in there. This was weird. I guess it’s because they always keep this room locked and he didn’t bother to unlock it looking for her? Anyway, she comes in “the great room” and all the major staff members are there with Christian. She tells Sawyer that she’ll be ready to go to work in 20 minutes, declines breakfast and heads to the bathroom.
Lor: From inside her womb, Young Fiddy is all, “FEED ME, BITCH.”
Sweeney: Grey tries to follow her but she shuts the door in his face and locks it. The shower is “Oh my” worthy, probably because of how infrequently she showers. Yes, Ana, being clean is totally awesome! Look into it some more in the future. Also cleaner clothing. HILARIOUSLY, that was the last thing I typed before reading on to discover that Ana comes out of the bathroom, continues to ignore Christian Grey, AND PUTS ON THE PLUM DRESS. This bitch is now a fucking billionaire and she can’t stop wearing that skank-nasty stolen plum dress.
Lor: Best part? She says she’s putting on “my plum dress.” UH. YOU DRESS STEALING SHIT HEAP.
Sweeney: LOL, Right? She’s called it her own a few times now, and in my headcanon she tried to return it to Kate eventually and Kate was all, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Christian keeps trying to talk to her and she’s having none of it, choosing to be all, “REMEMBER WHEN I WANTED TO TALK AND YOU DIDN’T? NEENER NEENER NEENER.” These two are the fucking worst. This is Ana’s big spine-having moment? We’re all supposed to sit back in awe of her resolve (and we know it’s the product of her resolve because she keeps reminding us that Christian Grey is hungover, sleep-deprived, and generally disheveled, but still ZOMG! GORGEOUS! because of magic and sparkles) now? She’s not being strong; she’s acting like a fucking child. The only “strength” she can muster is giving him the cold shoulder and it’s over what is, quite frankly, one of the least terrible things he’s done in the last ten pages, which is to say nothing of his many horrifying offenses across their “like five days” long relationship.
Lor: I’m absolutely PISSED over the fact that all through her big spine having moment, she’s purposefully getting dressed in sexy ways in front of him. Because women folk don’t actually get to have regular backbones. Their back bones come with that side of immaturity and sexual manipulation. WEEEE.
Sweeney: An excellent observation. I find them both so repulsive that sometimes my eyes just glaze over the bits where either one attempts to be sexy. My brain just can’t process that.
He asks her why she was snooping, which is more hilarious than ragefest for me, because this is such amateur hour snooping compared to the professional Stalking Everyone Ever Operation he’s got going. (It’s a subsidiary of Christian Grey’s Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums.)
Ana finally decides to be a sort of big girl and explains that what he said last night was correct and she will be choosing the baby over him because she’s going to be a mother and he’s murderrapist and that’s bad for the baby. Not really. What she actually says is something to the effect of, “We’re having a baby and you need to get on board or I’ll do it myself.” (Which is a hilarious idea, given that she can’t even handle feeding herself and her job is a joke, but whatever, fine.) She adds that she’s going to work and when she gets home she’s going to move her shit upstairs. Which.. like.. what? It’s just such a random giant step from the girl who usually does all of nothing.
I’m not even angry at this point. I’m just annoyed by everything having to do with these two overgrown toddlers. Grey’s reaction is, “OMG YOU DON’T WANT ME NOW?” This whole chapter has been a giant pissing contest to see who can throw the biggest temper tantrum. Sorry, Ana, you’re going to lose that one. After all, Grey’s temper tantrum is basically, “YOU MEAN YOU WON’T LET ME USE YOU AS A PHYSICAL AND VERBAL PUNCHING BAG ALL THE TIME? WHY DO YOU HAAATE MEEEEE?”
Oh, sorry, did I say I wasn’t even angry? Right, so. About that. Grey then decides that the answer to this is to try to initiate rapey sexytimes. Seriously, seriously. She tells him to back the fuck off or she’ll scream. He doesn’t give a shit, what with her being his wife (YOU ARE MAHN!) and also, “No one would hear you.” WHAT THE FUCK?
Lor: HE SAYS, “NO ONE WOULD HEAR YOU.” HE SAYS THAT WHEN HIS WIFE THREATENS TO SCREAM IF HE TOUCHES HER. WHAT THE HELL? The worst, worst part is that people WILL hear her. There are a ton of workers in the apartment, but they are probably all paid to ignore her screams. I’m so depressed right now. This is disgusting.
Ana asks him if he’s trying to scare her and he goes, “that wasn’t my intention.” YES IT FUCKING WAS, YOU DICK SCUM. In what other way could you say, “no one will hear your screams?” Only in a scary way.
AND THEN. Ana thinks, “if he touches me, I will succumb. I know the power he wields over my traitorous body. I know.”
Sweeney: IT’S THE WORST FOREVER. And Ana’s little bullshit about how she’ll totally succumb is essentially there to justify what a violent, horrific human being Grey is. As much as I hate Ana and her spinelessness, her inability to stand up for herself does not make his behavior any less horrible or any more acceptable. Passages like this are extra ragey because I can’t even calm down long enough to decide where to begin my rage. Best to just flip a table.
He stops. They argue. She reminds him that interactions of any kind with Mrs. Rape were her hard line. He swears he won’t do it again, but she points out that they’ve had this fight before. (I TOLD YOU, GIRL. THE SAME SHIT. FOREVER AND EVER.) They blah blah about which one is THE MOST MAD of the two of them. (Trick question: It’s us. We are the most angry.) She says he really fucked up by being an asshole to her yesterday (but not all the other times he was an asshole to her) and then going to talk to that woman. The fight eventually just dies off with him getting in the shower. She’s still planning on moving her things out of their bedroom
Lor: Ana thinks she deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor for not resorting to tears (like we women do) and for not giving into to his “sexpertise.” SURE, EL. Your fictional character deserves the highest military honor, given often posthumously for incredible acts of valor, FOR NOT CRYING IN FRONT OF HER ABUSIVE HUSBAND. RIGHT. RIGHT.
Sweeney: She talks to her parasite a lot during all of this, basically so she can have someone else to direct her many questions to. At work she has really! strong! feelings! about how gross coffee now smells to her (because pregnancy magically took hold the day she found out about it). She informs us that she will be switching to tea now. Kate calls to make sure she hasn’t been murdered. Ana confirms that she’s still alive and then blows Kate off, refusing to talk about it, as abuse victims often do.
Lor: GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. Ana tells Kate that she had a fight with Grey and she immediately asks, “did he hurt you?” BOOM. EL James may say that this is totes not an abusive relationship, but she wrote Kate. SHE WROTE KATE AND KATE KNOWS THAT THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. If my sister called me right now and told me she had a fight with her husband, the LAST thing on my mind would be to ask if he physically hurt her because there is no precedent for that. WHY WOULD KATE ASSUME HE’S HIT HER? BECAUSE KATE, AND BY EXTENSION EL JAMES, KNOWS THAT ANA IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
I HATE EVERYONE MORE THIS WEEK THAN I DID LAST WEEK.
Sweeney: A+ for your well-articulated rage. It’s amazing how that keeps happening. Yet here we are, still reading. Still finding new levels of hate for all the things.
Ana supposedly gets super serious about her “work” to cope with the lack of constant emails from Christian Grey. She does inform us that she eats lunch, so anyone placing bets on death by starvation will have to hold out a little longer. After work she goes to see her stepdad in order to pretend she’s a caring human being. Hugging him makes her think about how much she enjoys crawling into Christian Grey’s lap.
Stepdad knows something is wrong, but Ana again won’t talk. So he says something about how well his knee is doing and how he hopes to one day bounce grandchildren on it. OF COURSE. And also what a fine man Christian Grey is. It must suck to be nothing more than a fragment of a plot device instead of, like, an actual character.
She goes home and eats dinner. Christian’s not there so they have an awkward, short phone call to confirm that he’s at the office. Ana texts Kate to say that she’ll call her some other time. She also asks her fetus what it has done to them, because she sucks. Then she goes to bed. She wakes up to find her favorite Christian Grey tie lying on the ground, which she takes to mean that he had been in there watching her sleep and this makes her feel hopeful. What? No, girl. Wrong emotion.
Ana goes down for breakfast and he’s already left. At work he sends her an email telling her he has to fly to Portland for business that day, just as a general FYI. She’s crushed, because I guess this means it’ll be another day without annoying emails? IDK. Whatever. Racing to the end now, y’all!
After lunch she gets a call from Mia, or so she assumes from the caller ID. She answers and it’s non other than – DUN DUN DUN – Jack Hyde.
Murmur Count – 4
Whisper Count – 13
Favorite comment last post: “This book makes me hate everyone.” – Robin Goode Borke
Next time: Will this new almost-kind-of backbone help Ana deal with a ransom demand? Find out in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 22.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
