Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 22 – What’s mine is mine.

Previously: Grey tells Ana no one will hear her screams. Seriously.
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Lorraine: The last chapter ended with Ana answering a phone call from Mia, only to discover that Jack Hyde, evil boss extraordinaire, was on the other line. We start this chapter one second later.

“Jack.” My voice has disappeared, choked by fear.

Jack, she says with her voice, one second before the cracked out author tells us her voice has disappeared. Jack is surprised that Ana remembers him. Since he was her boss at her first post-college job, who also tried to sexually molest her, I’m gonna go ahead and say it isn’t any wonder she remembers him. Also, she last saw him a few months ago. Maybe this is more a commentary on Jack being surprised that Ana remembers anything at all.

Sweeney: I’m definitely going to go with that, given that this chapter opening statement is, as usual, followed by Ana asking herself a crapton of obvious/stupid questions, rather than making any actual statements.

Lor: Ana gets all panicked as Jack reveals that he’s been chatting with Mia. Ana asks what he’s done and he replies, “listen here, you prick-teasing, gold-digging whore. You fucked up my life. Grey fucked up my life. You owe me. I have the little bitch with me now. And you, that cocksucker you married, and his whole fucking family are going to pay.”“

 

Jack is the worst villain ever. Mostly I’m upset by how ineffectual he is at killing anyone and I resent having to spend a chapter reading about all his foiled plans. The first part of his idiocy is revealed when he demands Ana to deliver five million dollars to him.

Sweeney: It’s so unfortunate that even characters I want to root for (i.e., any who might kill Christian and Ana!) are ultimately crippled by the stupidity of the woman whose brain hatched them.

Lor: It’s additionally unfortunate that you have to root for someone who is actually a terrible human being because he might actually kill the worse human beings.

Ana says she doesn’t actually have access to the money, so apparently when Grey’s all, “what’s mine is yours!” he actually means, “in theory. Don’t touch it.” Jack doesn’t care anyways, and tells Ana she has two hours to get her hands on the money, without informing the cops, Grey or the security team. Jack asks if she understands and Ana doesn’t respond immediately.

“You understand!” he shouts.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Or I will kill her.”
I gasp.

I like that the second “you understand,” isn’t a question. I think he figures if he yell-commands it loud enough, A+ abuse victim Ana will just have to say yes. And she does, but then we quickly find out she doesn’t exactly understand at all because when he threatens Mia, Ana’s all,”WHUT?! GASP. BACK IT UP THERE.”

Sweeney: I laughed a lot at the gasp. By that point he’s uttered variations of “or Mia gets it!” at least a dozen times, but he really does have to explicitly say “I. Will. Kill. Her.” for Ana to comprehend what’s going on.

Lor: Threats for Idiots.

Jack hangs up. Ana isn’t sure what to do, but figures she can think about it while preparing to meet Jack’s demands. She cancels all her work meetings for the day (it’s cute that people keep trying to schedule work meetings with Ana) and asks Sawyer to drive her home.

After a break, we’re in the car with Ana. Her plan is, “get home. Change. Find checkbook. Escape from Ryan and Sawyer somehow. Go to bank.” Great job Ana. Very well thought out. Also, the fact that she has to “escape” from her security detail is proof that they aren’t really her security detail. Grey says “what’s mine is yours!” and he means, “but NOT the security guys because they are mine mine and will not listen to what you say.” Cool.

Sweeney: And because when Grey says he wants to “protect her” what he means is “protect her like property.” That’s essentially the function of “her” security detail — to make sure that he can always know where his belongings are and make sure nobody else gets near his stuff without his permission.

Lor: Ana wonders if she has to call the bank in advance and let them know she intends to withdraw five million dollars. I laugh FOREVER. I’m going to wait until we see if the bank is going to fork over the five million in cash they had hanging out before I scream at how stupid that is. Please, stand by.

Sweeney: She also panics about whether or not there will be enough room for the mountains of cash in her car and whether or not she will need a suitcase for it. LOLFOREVERANDEVER. Mostly because my mental image was something along these lines:

Lor: A+ and accurate.

“Mia. Mia. What if he doesn’t have Mia? How can I check? If I call Grace it will raise her suspicions, and possibly endanger Mia. He said he would know.”

It will only raise Grace’s suspicions because Ana is a horrible person with 0 social skills and 0 fucks to give about anyone not named Christian Grey. This is how it might go for you or me: “Hey Grace! How’s everything? Just a quick call to check in while Grey is away. That’s great. Is Mia home too? No? Okay, I’ll try her cell. BYE.” The end. Additionally, she could check by dialing 9-1-1. Oh, the evil kidnapper said not to call the police? Yeah, you should probably call the police.

Ana looks out the back window of the car to see if they are being followed but decides that all the cars look innocent. Clearly, if some one were following her, they would mark their car in evil ways. Sawyer calls Taylor, who is in Portland with Grey, to let him know that Ana’s going home. Ana is happy Grey is still in Portland, because she wants to keep him safe. Young Fiddy, too. I’m not sure how she intends on keeping Young Fiddy safe when she’s bringing it along to go meet the crazy kidnapper with her, but okay!

When Ana and Sawyer get home, he heads off to the security office and she runs off to Grey’s study. She starts looking for a checkbook and she finds the Ghost of Submissives Past’s gun instead. Ana gets annoyed that Grey still has the gun, because he could get hurt. HE COULD GET HURT, she thinks, at some point after he’s hurt her consistently and before she meets a crazy kidnapper.

But, anyway, the gun being there is lucky because she’s about to meet a crazy kidnapper. She checks to make sure it’s loaded and sticks it in her pants. Ana finds five check books, but only one is in the name of “C. Grey and Mrs. A. Grey.” I’m not sure why Ana gets a “Mrs.” but Christian doesn’t need a “Mr.” but fill in your own misogynistic conclusions here. Also, Grey has told Ana multiple times that what’s his is also hers, but he meant, “out of five different accounts, I’ll probs let you have access to one.”

To be clear: I don’t care if Ana and Grey share assets. I know people who, granted, aren’t billionaires, but who keep their accounts separate. Whatever works. I just think it’s hilarious that the author has dedicated so much time having Grey tell Ana that everything he has is now hers, only to prove at the precise worst moment how much of a big ass lie that is. Grey has created this fantasy of Ana sharing in his life and wealth when really she’s taken care of to the extent where she has no knowledge of anything that happens in her own household. There is a safe in the study Ana doesn’t have the combination to. There is a filing cabinet Ana doesn’t have the key to. For fuck’s sake, she has to SNEAK OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE.

Sweeney: When Grey isn’t even in the state, too! Because that money that she doesn’t have access to is used to pay of a team of people to control/monitor her movements.

Lor: Before we get to the sneaking, though, she has to head up to the bedroom. She sees the bed is made so she takes a moment to feel bad that she didn’t sleep with Christian right after he yelled at her for getting pregnant, went to cry on the shoulder of her pedo-ex-mistress, and told her no one would hear her screams. “What is the point of arguing with someone who, by their own admission, is Fifty Shades?”

I don’t know, Ana. If someone admits to being fucked in the head, we should definitely not argue with them. Or arrest them. Best to just let it be!

Sweeney: Not just let it be! Letting it be might involve walking away from the situation. Best to just marry them and have a child and build a fucking life with them!

Lor: Right, right! And never ask questions!

Ana changes into jeans, a hoodie and sneakers. She puts the gun in the waistband of her jeans. She finds a duffel bag and wonders if five million dollars in cash will fit into it. I want to say no. I’ve tried to look for a picture of $5,000,000, but I’m at work and when my Questionable Google Searches are like, “how much money can you withdraw from the bank without notice”and “what does $5,000,000 look like,” I get paranoid. IT’S FOR A RECAP, I SWEAR.

I did find this picture of out context, and I don’t know if it’s actually five mil, but if it is, LOL. You are going to have to Hermione Granger that duffel bag, Ana.

So, guys, remember how Mia is kidnapped and everything? We take a pause from that development for Ana to comment on how clean, perfect and lovely Christian Grey’s gym bag is.

“Christian’s gym bag is lying there on the floor. I open it, expecting to find it full of dirty laundry, but no- his gym kit is clean and fresh. Mrs. Jones does indeed get everywhere.”

Girl. Mrs. Jones cleans your cooter balls. Are we really shocked she does the gym laundry? For real? Okay.

Ana empties the gym bag and takes that too, in case she needs more room for her millions. Now that she’s ready, Ana has to avoid the security cameras. She steps just outside into the foyer, and from there calls Sawyer and tells him she needs his help upstairs. When she hears his footsteps, she runs over to the elevator.

“I take another deep steadying breath and briefly contemplate the irony of escaping from my own home like a felon.”

Felons have escaped your home before, Ana. Don’t worry– no one ever calls the police. Ask Jack about it when you see him. Or call the GSP and ask her how art school is going.

Sweeney: We have extensive experience with the incompetence of fictional police. You’ll be fine. Except for that the very fact that you’re escaping from your own home is indicative of a serious problem in your life, but whatever. NBD.

Lor: As Ana gets into the elevator, she hears Sawyer calling out for her, but he’s too late. She makes it down to the garage and wants to take her new car, but doesn’t because of reasons. Someone just return that freakin’ car already.

After a break, we’re at the bank where Ana is going to attempt to withdraw five million dollars in cash with no advanced notice.

First, Ana encounters… A FEMALE. Ugh, fucking females. This useless vagina greets Ana and gives her a “bright, insincere smile.” That bitch! Ana announces her plans of withdrawing a large amount of money. “Mrs. Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow.”

Sweeney: How does this awful bitch have an insincere eyebrow? Is there a makeup tutorial for that on YouTube? If not, I’ll be starting my own beauty vlog shortly on all the ways you can look like a whorey whore in the eyes of misogynist ELJ.

Lor: Um, please do. You are blonde, after all.

Ana tells us that Bitchy Eyebrow sarcastically asks if Ana has an account at the bank, which is Ana’s cue to announce that she is Christian Grey’s wife.

Woah-ho-ho! That changes everything. Ana never has any worth at all in these stories unless she’s attached to Grey. It’s no wonder Ana thinks so little of all the females she meets; they are all not married to billionaires, meaning that they have no worth. I always sort of wondered at James’s obvious female-hate, considering she wrote Ana and the sun shines out of Ana’s ass. BUT NO. The sun actually shines out of Ana’s vagina… AND ONLY BECAUSE IT IS GRACED BY THE PRESENCE OF CHRISTIAN GREY’S PENIS.

Ana is led to a small office, and now Bitchy Eyebrow is being super nice to her, because, you know.  Billionaire’s penis sheath. Ana announces her grand plan of withdrawing five million dollars.

Insincere Smile says she has to go fetch the manager.

Ana sits down and tells us that her gun is pressing uncomfortably at her back.

WAIT ONE SECOND. WAIT. ANA JUST WALKED A LOADED GUN INTO A BANK?

LOL. I mean, I know some people in other countries think we Americans walk around with guns all willy nilly, but we have a couple of rules. One is that you can’t actually bring a gun into a bank. Just, FYI.

Sweeney: Also, I hate when I remember things from past chapters, so what memory I do have is usually murky from my attempts to suppress it, but didn’t Ana say that this gun doesn’t have a safety? SO THE GUN COULD ACCIDENTALLY FIRE IN HER PANTS. AND THEN SHE DIES? FROM A GUNSHOT TO THE VAG? (OK, fine, probably not to the vag, but it’s also probably not going to happen, so leave me alone and let me have this amusing hypothetical possibility. ALSO, this would hardly be the least sense-making turn of events in this chapter, let alone this book series.)

Lor: GSW to the V-A-G would be the funniest way for Ana to die.

The bank manager walks into the room, greets Ana and then taps a few keys on his computer. Then, this is the big explanation we get for Ana being able to withdraw five million dollars with no notice:

“We normally ask for some notice for large amounts of money.” He pauses, and flashes me a reassuring but supercilious smile. “Fortunately, however, we hold the cash reserve for the entire Pacific Northwest,” he boasts. Jeez, is he trying to impress me?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. WAIT.

1.) Is this bank claiming to be a Federal Reserve Bank? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

Sweeney: GREY IS THE BEST AND ONLY DEALS WITH THE BEST SO NATURALLY HIS BANK IS ~*MAGIC*~ AND HAS ALL THE MONIES. ‘CAUSE OF HOW HE HAS ALL THE MONIES. DUH.

Lor: 2.) Did the manager just brag to Ana about having lots of money in his bank? Seriously? Did he just reveal that they keep large stores of money on hand? I CAN’T STOP  LAUGHING.

Ana is all, “I need my large sum of money in a hurry,” and this doesn’t at all alert the bank manager to serious danger. Instead he’s all, “sure! Can I see some ID?” Ana pulls out her license, but DAMMIT. SHE HASN’T CHANGED HER NAME. SEE LADIES? Not changing your last name could result in not being able to take out ransom money at the bank. Do you want that on your conscience? Change your name, then.

She pulls out her Amex, which has her married name, and apparently that is an acceptable form of identification. The bank manager does say this is all really freakin’ weird, but Ana threatens to tattle to Grey. He excuses himself for a second.

Sweeney: I’m glad a credit card — which feasibly could be stolen — is sufficient identification to withdraw five million dollars with no prior notice whatsoever. WHAT IS THIS BANK?

Lor: ~*MAGIC*~

Once he’s gone, Ana thinks, “I had no idea this would be so difficult.” Girl, REALLY? Providing identification to pull out five million dollars out of an account is difficult?

The bank manager returns and says that Christian is on the phone for Ana. She picks up the phone in the room and Grey immediately asks if she’s leaving him. Ana’s first reaction is to say she isn’t, but then she figures the only way to keep him in the dark about the kidnapping is to lie. So she says she is leaving him, and that’s why she’s taking the millions. He starts to cry, but Ana stops him and tells him not to. He asks if this was always about the money, and Ana says it wasn’t. He asks if five million is enough, and she says yes. He asks about the baby, and Ana says she’ll take care of Young Fiddy. Grey finally hisses at her to take it all, and she cryptically offers, “It’s for you. For your family. Please. Don’t.” He tells her he’ll always love her and hangs up.

And so, “all the stupid shit that we put each other through over the last few days fades into insignificance.” Right. Abuse, lies, threats, anger– insignificant shit. Look at how sad he is I’m fake leaving him!!!

Sweeney: We’re well past the point of actually being surprised by Ana’s bullshit, but I can’t stop making this expression during 75% of my reading:

Lor: Ana starts crying but the manager comes back in to say that Grey said she could have all his monies. She just needs the five million though. She signs paperwork and a check, and the manager leaves to prepare the money. During this time, Ana is thankful for the gun, remembers that she’s supposed to visit Ray later, and gets angry that Christian thought that she was with him for the money.

The bank manager comes back and as they leave the little office, Ana sees that Sawyer is there. She runs back into the office and tells the manager that someone is following her. He’s all, “SHIT. SHOULD I CALL THE POLICE?” but Ana convinces him not to with a, “no!” She sends the bank manager off and decides to call Jack. He already knows that Ana’s security followed her to the bank, so he’s arranged for a car to pick her up at the back of the back. He yells at her to get there quick and dump her cell phone when she does.

Ana finds the bank manager again and gets even more shady about leaving the bank through the back door. The fact that this is even happening is HILARIOUS. YOU CANNOT WALK INTO YOUR BANK AND WITHDRAW FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. First, they aren’t going to want to give you that shit in cash. They will give you other withdrawal options, but the truth is they don’t want anyone walking out of their bank with five million dollars. It’s a safety risk for everyone involved. Also, whatever this fucktard says, they don’t keep that much money on hand. Maybe a Federal Reserve Bank does, and I think James wants us to think this is a Federal Reserve Bank, but LOL. That makes even less sense. What’s more, the bank has to report large withdrawals to the FBI, so that they can INVESTIGATE. They don’t want people pulling out money when they are being scammed or for ransom or for a number of any other reasons.

THIS IS SO STUPID.

Sweeney:

Lor: BUT WHATEVER. Ana gets her money and she asks the bank manager for one more favor.

We break to Ana finding Jack’s car, and it has blacked out windows. The bank manager is all, “OKAY! ENJOY YOUR MONIES IN THIS BLACKED OUT VEHICLE!” and peaces out of there. Ana is greeted by Elizabeth from her job, who I’m sure has been mentioned before, but IDK what we’re supposed to remember about her. I think it was implied that she was also harassed by Jack.

Elizabeth gets rid of Ana’s cell phone and they both hop in the car. Ana tells her to tell Jack to let Mia go, but Jack wants to see Ana. This is why you call the police and don’t deal with criminals. Because they lie. Ana asks Elizabeth why she’s helping Jack, and there are all sorts of pained looks in Liz’s eyes. Ana deduces that Jack has some sort of hold over Liz. So like, “help me kidnap a woman or else I’ll tell everyone I raped you?” IDK.

Liz drives Ana to an, of course, abandoned building. Jack is there to greet her and he’s wearing a suit. Jack makes sure the cash is there before he slaps Ana. She falls and hits her head on the concrete. She’s worried about Young Fiddy, and even more so when Jack kicks her in the ribs. Liz calls him off, and tells him not to do this in broad daylight. The distraction allows Ana to reach for her gun. She shoots Jack in the knee.

This entire set up was so INSANELY STUPID, and I cannot get over HOW STUPID, but here is a moment where you could be a little like, “alright Ana. Go ahead and shoot you up some kneecaps.” So of course, she has to black out and here comes Christian Grey to swoop in and save her. Seriously. She starts to black out and the last thing she hears is Christian screaming her name.

Well. That was a chapter.

 Sweeney: A chapter indeed. It’s worth noting that this chapter with the most stuff resembling a ‘plot’ was on the shorter side.

Lor: Plots are hard.

 

Murmur Count – 4
Whisper Count – 8

Favorite comment last post: I can’t even buy a dress in the purple color family now because of this asshole. Ana ruins everything about life. – Jessica

 

Next time: How mad will Grey be that Ana went outside alone, even if it was to stop a kidnapper? Find out in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 23.