Firefly S01 E01 – All aboard!

Serenity

Marines: Our tragically abbreviated journey begins with stock war footage. There are explosions and bullets whizzing by as a band of futuristic aircraft gun down a group of soldiers. Welcome to Firefly everyone!

A man in a brown coat makes his way down a hill and safely into a bunker. Inside, he’s addressed by another soldier as “sergeant.” Sergeant Brown Coat is told that command is holding air support, but as we just saw, they could use some air support ASAP. He barks out a few orders right before a big blast makes everyone look at each other all, “we’re totally gonna die, aren’t we?”

Sweeney: It’s a Joss Whedon show, so I’m sure some of you are correct!

Sara: Especially if you’re witty and lovable! 

Mari: Thankfully, Sergeant Brown Coat [SBC] attended the Speech Making Classes commonly expected of kings, the high born, and high ranking soldiers. (S: I approve of this show already on the grounds that it has been too fucking long since we got to give a shout out to Traumaland’s School of Speechifying For Folks Who Want to Run Shit. They’re good at speeches — not so great with naming things.) He tells his troop that back up will arrive soon and all they have to do is hold. Sergeant Brown Coat kisses his crucifix before running back out into the fray. A soldier named Bendis freezes up when it’s time to shoot, so a Lady Brown Coat has to provide cover fire for the Sergeant.

Sara: And she looks cool as shit doing it!

Mari: SBC goes running and makes it to a large machine gun where he manages to take out the enemy air craft. He enjoys that sweet victory for about one second before he notes the aircraft is now hurtling towards him. SBC runs towards Lady Brown Coat and gives her the name Zoe, so now I can stop pretending that I don’t know what it is. Sergeant Brown Coat pushes Zoe out of the way, as the downed plane crashes just near them.

We cut to Zoe and SBC returning to the bunker, pretty hyped up on their victory. It is again shortly lived, as the soldier in charge of communications is now dead. Zoe takes over communications as  Sergeant Brown Coat dusts off his speech making skillz for round two. He tells Bendis that they can’t die, because they are too pretty. “We are just too pretty for God to let us die.”

And isn’t he just?

Delicious.

Sara: That jawline! That hair! Those eyes! Yum.

Sweeney: Absolutely. But two things! For those unaware, I’m the resident Snow this time around, so I’m amused by all the other other places I know him from. More importantly: this line made me smile and think of Buffy and her awesome S1 finale line.

Which is to again remind these dudes of their presence in a Whedon show and say: “Nope. None are too pretty. But a pretty face might snag you a resurrection, so there’s that.”

Mari: Nice catch!

SBC references the sound of approaching aircraft, which he presumes is their back-up, as further proof they won’t die. He calls out to Zoe, so that she can radio a message to said back-up, but she informs him that back-up isn’t coming. Their command is to lay down arms. Sergeant Brown Coat stands and sees that the sound he equated to salvation was in fact the enemy approaching.

The war sounds cut out as a Sad Fiddle of I Guess We Aren’t THAT Pretty takes over. Bendis is shot next to Sergeant Brown Coat, and we watch him as he flares his nostrils in disbelief.

A title card tells us that we are rejoining the story six years later. I’m pretty tired of calling him Sergeant Brown Coat now, and knowing the future has to have some advantages right? Yeah, so guys, he’s (now) Captain Malcolm Reynolds. Mal drops down into frame in an environmental suit. Zoe is with him as is a man named Jayne. Mal asks Jayne for “the sticky” and we watch in silence as Mal hot glue guns the lock on a vault door. It’s futuristic hot glue, though, so it starts burning through the vault. Mal tells the others to get the goods so they can get back to the ship.

Sweeney: PEOPLE. THAT I RECOGNIZE. KEEP APPEARING. HI JOHN CASEY!

Sara: I’m so glad you know and love him as John Casey! I saw Chuck before I ever saw Firefly, so that’s who he is to me, too.

Mari: We pan up and out of whatever wreck they’re on to their ship, which is a spaceship everyone! We’re in space!

On the ship, we meet Wash who is playing with toy dinosaurs. The tyrannosaur and stegosaurus have found fertile land. No sooner has the stegosaurus named this land This Land does the tyrannosaur turn on him. You really didn’t need to know any of this but it leads to one of my favorite lines:

Just a heads up that this show is super quotable (see: Joss Whedon) and that I will probably call a handful of lines each episodes, “one of my favorite lines.”

Sweeney: STEVE THE PIRATE! Sorry not sorry. This is like my job as a Snow. I like your funny line and cute dinosaur toys, Steve the Pirate.

Sara: ALPHA! Sorry, I’ll stop doing that, too…

Mari: No you guys won’t.

An alarm ends Wash’s thrilling game of back stabbing dinos and he curses as we cut back out into silent space. The gang is just getting into the vault when Wash tells them by way of communicators that Alliance ships are heading toward them. Mal mumbles something in Chinese, before asking Wash if they’ve been spotted. Jayne says they are “humped” if they’ve been spotted.

Mal tells Wash to shut the ship down. It’s a good plan I’m sure, but it reminds me of the IT department where I work, because their first answer to everything is, “did you try shutting down?” Wash calls down to Kaylee with their shut down plan and we see Jewel Staite running to the engine room and shutting things down like a champ.

Sweeney: OH MY GOD JEWEL STAITE. IN OUTER SPACE. She’s in a million things, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, she was Catalina on Space Cases and my heart will never not flail a little at the memory of her magical rainbow hair which was everything I wanted in life as a 3rd grader.

I miss that show. Unfortunately, this blog has taught me that all of my fond childhood memories are a disturbing lie. (That picture of her bowl cut wig kind of confirms this.)

Sara: ALSO! Becca Fisher from Flash Forward. I’m having so much fun playing Recognize the Actor with you, Sweeney!

Mari: On the Alliance ship, the Alliance guy in charge is all, “we probably shouldn’t even check for signs of life or thieves on this broken down ship!” The Alliance uniforms are funny, in a Nazi soldier mixed with a bellhop sort of way. (S: 1430.)

Back out in space, the gang are all floating really still, and thinking that the Alliance hasn’t noticed them. After a few more seconds of silence and long looks at the Alliance ship, we’re back on board where an Alliance Nazi-hop announces that he’s picked up on some residual heat. Wash realizes they’ve been spotted. Mal orders Wash to turn the ship back on because shutting down your computer doesn’t solve everything so SUCK IT, IT DEPARTMENT.

Sara: My IT department likes to question whether you really restarted, so I guess they still win.

Mari: Sneaky.

Mal, floating toward his ship with the stolen goods, says to Wash, “crybaby, cry,” which is their super stealth way of deploying something called the Crybaby. We cut to a picture of a floating, giant soup can. It’s the Crybaby. I know this, because apparently when they launched this soup can satellite, they thought it would be additionally super stealthy to tape a CRYBABY label over the blue lettering on it.

On the Alliance ship, they start picking up a distress signal for another, large ship. Another cut to the CRYBABY so that us slower viewers at home have time to go, “OH, I GET IT.” Mal and his crew all get back onto the ship, and he calls for Wash to get them out of there. The ship takes off, and its butt lights up yellow, like a firefly. The head Nazi-hop decides to leave Serenity alone and go help the fake cry for help. He does put out a space-y APB for a firefly class ship with stolen goods.

Wash announces to the crew that the Alliance ship isn’t coming after them, and Jayne calls it a win. Mal turns away from him and walks away, broodily saying, “right. We win.” 

Roll credits. ‘CAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM MEEEEE.

Sara: Can we talk about this intro for a minute? When I first started watching Firefly and this came on, I laughed and laughed. I specifically remember cringing and saying, “Please, dear God, don’t make me have to listen to this crap every single time for the rest of the season.” BUT THEN. I got a few episodes in and kind of fell in love with it in a my-boyfriend-is-weird-but-he-grows-on-you kind of way.

Sweeney: Right, so, I’ll take your word for that, because I’m still in that “LOL WHY?” mode.

Mari: That breaks my heart. This was my text tone for a looooong time. ‘CAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM MEEEE.

Mal and crew ooh and ahh over the box of stolen goodies. It looks like bars of copper. Mal turns one over in his hand, and sees that it’s marked with something. He quickly turns it back over and puts the bar in the box. Zoe asks if everything is all right and Mal is all, “YES. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.” but proceeds to ask Wash exactly how quickly they can get to their destination (Persephone) for drop off. Zoe thinks this is fishy, but she and Wash head off to do official ship-manning-stuff.

Mal helps Jayne hide their stolen goodies, as he plans to pick up passengers on Persephone. Jayne thinks people are annoying, but Kaylee gets excited by the prospect.  Jayne wants Mal to end Kayle”s cheerfulness, but he says no one can stop it. Duct tape and a strong door might help. Kaylee kisses Mal’s cheek and says she loves her captain.

I love your captain’s tight pants. (S: A+ & +1)

Sara: I wish I could kiss Nathan Fillion’s perfect cheek. Sigh.

Mari: Zoe tells Wash that something ain’t right, but his response is that they are thieves, so if things were right, they’d be in jail. Zoe was more talking about how tense Mal is. Wash thinks they all need a vacation and it’s here, as they dream about baths and food (legit) that we learn that they are married. Zoe says she’ll ask the captain if they can take a few days off, and Wash gets pissy. Why don’t they just tell him instead of asking him? Wash snarks about how Zoe should make sure to call him sir, since he likes that, when the man himself interrupts their chat.

Sara: And when Zoe does call him sir, Wash gives her a great thumbs up, and it is adorable.

Mari: Mal asks if the ambassador has checked in. Wash says she hasn’t, and Zoe says Inara had a full docket. Mal wants Inara informed that they may be leaving Persephone in a hurry, though he doesn’t want her rushed or interrupted. “Somebody on this boat has to make an honest living.”

We Segue Magic to some super honest heavy breathing and oh-my-god-ing. After a cut away, a dressed Inara is chatting to her Lover Boy about her hometown. This scene is very distracting because it keeps cutting between Inara and Lover Boy, and even features a shot of Inara’s face falling as her voice continues on in the conversation. It’s very Glory-esque, a la the first time we met her. Inara is either a hellgod or tortured. SPOILERS!

Lover Boy tells Inara that he wishes she didn’t have to leave and makes a vague offer to buy her. She smiles at him and then we cut to him saying goodbye to her, dressed in an Alliance uniform. The rejection is implied. Inara politely says that the time went too quickly, and he awkwardly says she probably sped up the clocks to cheat him out of his fun. Inara’s face falls again and Lover Boy just kind of awkwardly shuffles out of there. Inara pushes back a curtain to reveal the cockpit of her shuttle. She calls into Wash, who says that they’ve missed her on board. She sadly says that she missed them too.

In a nutshell: honest livings are sad.

Sara: Uh, seriously. Poor Inara needs to join the stealing-for-money crowd.

Sweeney: Yeah, while the lack of pants is certainly a promising aspect of her work, there seem to be fewer feelings and more explosions in that line of work. Which is to say that I wouldn’t actually be any good at it.

Mari: Basically, we’d die in space then, yeah? Yeah.

Inara’s shuttle takes off as a title helpfully tells us we are on Persephone and then specifically at the Eavesdown Docks. It’s dusty and crowded and has a sitar soundtrack to boot. The crew of Serenity comes out of the cargo hold door as Mal tells them that they should be leaving in about three hours. Mal tells Wash to grab any supplies they are low on and fuel the ship up.

Kaylee tells Mal that she’d love to buy a new compression coil for the steamer. It’s fancy ship talk for, um, ship parts and stuff. Mal says no, despite her warnings that a busted coil would be bad news, and tasks her with getting some paying passengers. Zoe, Jayne and Mal head off together.

A gray-haired man walks with his luggage through the crowd. A man tries to sell him passage on his ship, the Brutus, but probably lost the sell when he called this man, “grandpa.” Not Yo Grandpa moves on.

Sara: Right? Call me Grandma and I’m gonna trip your ass with my cane.

Sweeney: These ship people are really bad at sales. I think they’re even shittier at personing than we are.

Mari: The soundtrack used for identifying villains starts up, as Mal meets his client. “You’re late,” the weasel-y client wearing a tie like Avril Lavigne might says. Mal tells Weasel Lavigne that they are 2 hours ahead of schedule, but something must be wrong because Weasel is trying to put them on the defensive. Weasel clarifies: You’re later than I’d like. See, the space-y APB reached him. Mal says his ship wasn’t identified, so the goods won’t be linked, but Weasel knows they are marked with the government stamp. Mal looks guilty and Weasel Lavigne says they have no deal.

Unrelated, Weasel has a fantastic apple peeler that I want for Christmas. I would eat apples every day. Maybe not, but I would peel apples every day.

Jayne gets testy and all of Weasel’s lackies pull their guns. Mal glares at Jayne before telling Weasel that he suspects something other than the space-y APB is at play here. Weasel then delivers the official introduction to Malcolm Reynolds speech:

“What were you in the war, that big war you failed to win? You were a Sergeant, yeah? Sergeant Malcolm Reynolds, Balls and Bayonets Brigade. Big tough veteran. Now you got yourself a ship and you’re a captain. Only I think you’re still a Sergeant, see. Still a soldier, man of honor in a den of thieves. Well this is my gorram den, and I don’t like the way you look down on me. I’m above you. Better than. I’m a businessman, see? Roots in the community. You’re just a scavenger.”

I’m adding “gorram” shots to the Firefly drinking game. We’d be three shots deep right now and that just seems like a happy place to be. In fact, “gorram” should just be the Firefly drinking game.

Sara: NGL, I say gorram more than any person should. But when someone recognizes it, you become insta-friends, so that’s fun.

Sweeney: Amazing on both counts! New drinking game and a vocabulary upgrade that will help me make nerd friends? This is my new favorite word.

Mari: Not Yo Grandpa is walking by Serenity, where Kaylee sits outside of it, twirling a rainbow parasol. (S: This makes me so happy because it reminds me of the rainbow hair.) (M: Another great observation.) She calls out to him that he’ll be coming with them, as he seems more interested in ships than destinations. He tells her he’s flown in a Firefly before, but an older, shakier kind. Kaylee asks why he doesn’t care about his destination and he says, “because I am the spiritual character, see, and the journey is the worthier part.” Not Yo Grandpa introduces himself as Shepherd Book. Kaylee makes sure he can pay for his ride, and Book says he’s got some cash and something in a little wooden box that makes Kaylee’s eyes go wide.

Zoe, Jayne and Mal argue back and forth about what should be done with their scavenged government goods. Zoe suggests dumping it, but Jayne doesn’t want his cut to be 0% of nothing. (S: Jayne doing math on what 0% of 0 is is hilarious.) Mal wants to go to a place called Whitefall and sell to a woman named Patience. Zoe gently reminds him that Patience once shot him, but Mal says they have no other options.

Sweeney: Yeah, so, I’m definitely not up for joining the stealing things crowd.

Mari: Wait, does this mean you’re going to be a hooker? WITH A HEART OF GOLD.

Kaylee is welcoming passengers on board as Wash drives up in his mule, now packed with a large, gray container. Just behind the box, we see an attractive young man with some unfortunate John Lennon sunglasses. The sneaky, sneaky Soundtrack Man plays us a big DUN DUN, space-y sitar style, and you’ve got to wonder if the Soundtrack Man really hates those sunglasses, or if he knows something we don’t know.

Simon stiffly greets Mal, who does the most fantastically dry, “welcome aboard,” followed by a sizing and a, “is that all we got?” to Kaylee with a last glace over his shoulder.

Sara: Ooh, burn! Well, kind of a quiet burn. More like a sizzle, really.

Sweeney: 1430.

Mari: And A+.

That’s all they got, so up on the ship they go. Everyone is bustling about as Zoe and Mal stand aside and talk in a whisper. Zoe doesn’t think having a boat full of citizens on top of their stolen goods bodes well, though Mal doesn’t think anyone can find their secret hiding place. Zoe asks why and after a beat he answers, “’cause.” In case his because of reasons doesn’t actually work, though, he tells Zoe to shoot anyone who gets curious.

  Sara: I love that Mal is fully aware of one of Traumaland’s main themes with his because of reasons answer. Welcome aboard, Mal!

Sweeney: That’s the Traumaland thing that causes me the most real world awkwardness because it has become my instinctive response to any question I don’t want to answer. Other people don’t appreciate this.

Mari: And that is why the Internet is better.

Inara docks her shuttle, Zoe relays that information to Mal, and Mal tells Kaylee he’s locking up the ship. Kaylee looks out at Persephone and sadly smiles as she says, “all aboard.” We get one last look at Simon as the hatch closes up and the sad, nostalgia music quickly melts into more DUN DUN DUNs. In case you still don’t relate Simon to DUN DUN DUN.

Sweeney: He’s being stalked by the carrier of the Creepy Villain Music Boombox! He’s a long way from Rosewood.

Sara: Plus he had his horrible sunglasses off this time, so I’m pretty sure the Cameraman is telling us that he’s bad news bears, for real for real.

Mari: After a Not Commercial Break, Mal is giving his new passengers the lay of the ship, including when they take meals. Kaylee happily says that Shepherd Book has offered to help prepare the next meal. Mal gets testy about Book being a Shepherd, but Kaylee does her best to diffuse the situation. (S: “It’s not a problem, because… it’s not!”) Mal tells them where on the ship they can’t go without an escort and then says they Alliance has ordered them to deliver medical supplies on Whitefall.

The Strings of Hijinks of the Western Kind play as we move around the cargo bay and see Simon staring intently at his gray box, Dobson tripping over Simon and Book handing Kaylee that wooden box from before and a sack of something. (S: Pause for my THAT GUY FROM THAT THING MOMENT: Dobson was the one luring runaways to a hell dimension in “Anne.”) Inara comes downstairs and Mal says the ambassador is gracing them with her presence. Then this bucket of awkward happens:

Mal: Ambassador, this is Shepherd Book.
Inara: I’d have to say this is the first time we’ve had a preacher on board.
Book: Well, I wasn’t expecting to see a state official, either. Ambassador.

Mal laughs and Inara pretty much tries to murder Mal with one look. Book says he’s missing something funny, and Kaylee offers, “not that funny.” Inara starts to explain that “ambassador” is Mal’s way… Mal interrupts with, “She’s a whore, Shepherd.”

Mal asks Book if he’s okay with Inara being on board, and Book starts to stutter out an answer. Inara offers that it’s fine because she keeps to herself anyways. She starts to leave and Mal asks if she won’t meet the rest of the passengers. “Why don’t you make sure they want to meet me first?”

Sara: I love Mal, but… dick move, man.

Sweeney: MEGA DICK MOVE! I love that Nathan Fillion is pretty, but I don’t yet know Mal well enough to love him. Inara scored many points for being ultra classy, though.

Mari: Later, Kaylee has made her way up to the dining area with the things Book gave her. She opens up the wooden box and pulls out a strawberry.

We fade into dinner that night, which is a right feast. There is some talking over each other, but we hear Simon thanking Book for sharing with everyone. He brought fresh foods from the garden he used to tend. Book asks if Mal minds if he says grace, and Mal responds, “only if you say it out loud.”  Everyone else at the table closes their eyes and bows their head, but Mal keeps eating. Gone is the man who was kissed a crucifix at the beginning of this episode, yeah?

Simon asks if the Alliance often commandeers their ships and Mal says governments are for getting in a man’s way. Dobson counters that it’s a good thing if the medical supplies are needed. Dobson asks about the border moons, and between Mal and Zoe they explain that they were made close to “Earth-That-Was,” but that often times settlers were dumped on them with little more than just enough to survive. Many of them don’t.

Kaylee changes the subject to Simon, and asks about him being a doctor. Simon says he was a trauma surgeon on Osiris, and Kaylee notes that he’s rather young to be a doctor. It’s one of those awkward things that don’t really have a response. “Yeah,” Simon offers, which is what I would’ve said, but with more eeeee’s and aaaaaaaa’s.

Simon thinks Kaylee is pretty young to be a ships mechanic, and she says that machine workings talk to her. Book is impressed, but Kaylee is more impressed by the doctor at the table. Jayne: Little Kaylee here just wishes you was a gynecologist. Jayne cackles at his own joke, and Kaylee looks down in embarrassment.

Sweeney: These ship dudes are jackasses. Except Steve the Pirate. He seems pretty swell.

Mari: Mal calls Jayne’s name and the camera sweeps back so we see Mal glaring daggers. He tells Jayne to keep a civil tongue and threatens to sew his mouth shut if not. Jayne says he doesn’t get paid to talk pretty, whether Kaylee gets “lubed-up” over a guy or not. Mal’s had enough and orders Jayne to walk away from the table. There is a stare down for five seconds before Jayne grits his teeth and stands. But he grabs an extra helping of something before he goes. You can almost hear him thinking, “BUT I’M TAKING SOME MORE MASHED POTATOES AND THERE AIN’T NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.”

After he’s gone, Simon asks what Mal does pay Jayne for. “Public relations,” he lies, before taking a big bite of a tomato.

Inara takes a sponge bath. For like a long time. There are weird freeze frames throughout too. Morena Baccarin is gorgeous. This is still kind of weird.

Sara: It’s like every time she’s on screen, the camera can’t handle the pretty and starts doing weird shit.

Sweeney: Totally plausible theory.

Mari: There’s a knock on the door, and Inara invites the person in, in Chinese. Inara doesn’t immediately make a move to cover herself. Book apologizes if he’s intruding, but Inara was expecting him. She finally stands and covers herself. Inara asks if Book has come to lecture her on her wicked ways, but actually Book came to bring her supper. “If you’d prefer a lecture, I’ve a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire… one has lepers.” Inara passes but thanks him for the dinner.

Book shares that dinner was Mal’s idea which surprised him. He seems to both be a jerk, but have a deep concern for his crew.

Inara: Why are you so fascinated by him?
Book: Because he’s something of a mystery. Why are you?
Inara: Because so few men are.

Sara: Also – have you seen him? Hello Captain!

Sweeney: And his pants!

Mari: Always his pants.

With that we Segue Magic over to El Capitan Misterioso who’s taking a piss and washing his face. (S: Weird comment is weird, but: neat bathroom!) Wash calls over the communicator, and says that Mal might want to get up there. We watch Mal climb up out of his dormitory and run to the bridge. Wash fills him in: someone on board signaled the nearest Alliance ship, and though he was able to scramble the signal, he doesn’t know how much got through. Mal curses in Chinese (Fuck everyone in the universe to death) and stalks off.

Sweeney: It’s understood that we’re just going to translate that shit ourselves, right? There isn’t some weird fandom thing where everyone cross references this shit with some widely circulated Firefly’s Use of Chinese Cheat Sheet?

Mari: LOL. I’m… not really sure. I just looked up a transcript for some other part of the recap and it happened to have the Chinese bits already translated. I ran with it.

Mal finds Simon in the cargo bay, checking up on his gray box. Simon stands and finds that Mal is just behind him, and he ain’t happy. Mal punches Simon IN THE FACE and accuses him of being a gorram fed. Book comes from out of the shadows (seriously, what was he doing over there?) to say that Mal’s got the wrong guy. The score picks up a bit, giving us time to be all, ‘NO. NOT YOU BOOK.” And, no, no. It isn’t. See, Dobson is standing behind them all, and he’s got a gun. Mal puts his hands up, but it’s Simon that Dobson is here to arrest.

Shepherd tries to get everyone to calm down, but it’s just making everyone twitchy. Dobson says he holds the whole ship culpable for transporting a fugitive, Mal grabs Simon and tries to restrain him, and Book keeps getting closer and closer to Dobson. Everyone is yelling by the time Kaylee walks in, wondering what’s going on. Dobson spins around and shoots her in the stomach.

Sara: UGH, NO, NOT KAYLEE. Throat punch that asshole! You stay away from her, jerk!

Sweeney: BRO, I WILL MURDER YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF IF CATALINA KAYLEE DIES.

Mari: Kaylee falls back and we hear Inara scream her name from the upper level. Mal moves for his gun, Jayne draws his gun, but it is Book who disarms Dobson with a throat punch. Mal, Simon and Inara run for Kaylee.

Meanwhile, Jayne is approaching Dobson with his gun still drawn, but Book stands between them. Book says Jayne can’t kill him and there’s a standoff until Zoe shows up, and orders Jayne to just tie Dobson up.

Over with Kaylee, Simon is asking her to move her legs, but she’s going into shock. Inara tells mei-mei (little sister) to stay with her and a little something gets lodged in my throat, back in the feels section. (S: Yep, choking from feels.) (S: +1) Right before they lift Kaylee, Wash calls down on the com and says they’ve been hailed by an Alliance ship. Simon stands and tells Mal to change course. Mal says to hell with him, for bringing this trouble down on them. Simon won’t treat Kaylee unless they change course. There is yet another standoff, all until Kaylee cries out in pain, and Mal tells Zoe to change course. Simon stoops down to help pick Kaylee up, and Zoe uses the com to tell Wash that they are running.

We cut to a little later, as Simon fishes out pieces of the bullet from Kaylee’s wound. Inara and Mal stand by her bed and even Jayne is watching through one of the windows.

We cut again to Simon saying he can do no more, and that they will know more when Kaylee stabilizes. Inara says she wants to know what’s going on and Mal says he’s going to find out.

In the cargo bay, Jayne restrains Simon as Mal opens up the gray box. “Let’s see what a man like you would kill for,” Mal says, as he kicks off the lid. Cryogenic-type steam comes pouring out as Mal takes a look over the box. Inside is a teenaged girl, naked and all curled up.

SUMMER GLAU, you guys!

Sara: I LOVE SUMMER GLAU AND HER ADORABLE CUTENESS.

Sweeney: YOU ALREADY DID THE THING, SO I’LL JUST JOIN THE FLAIL PARTY!

Mari: Mal assumes the girl is being sold or kept by Simon, and is startled when the girl sits up and screams. She stumbles out of the box and everyone just watches for a few seconds as she looks around, wild-eyed, and hands shaking. Simon heads over to the girl, whom he calls River. It takes her a while, but when she focuses on him, realization washes over her and she starts trying to tell him that “they” talk to her and want her to talk. Simon shushes her, and tells her they are safe now. Everyone is watching this in silence, until Mal asks just what this is. “This is my sister,” Simon explains.

We cut to everyone (save River and Kaylee) gathered in the dining room. This scene is cut with shots of Simon bringing River into the infirmary. Simon starts his story by explaining that he’s very smart, but River makes him look like an idiot child. She was enrolled in a government sponsored education program when she was 14. River sent letters at first, but they stopped after a while, until he received a letter that made no sense. It was encoded with the message, “They’re hurting us. Get me out.” Simon was able to break her out with the help of an underground movement he paid. Inara asks if River will be alright, but Simon can’t say because he doesn’t know what they’ve done to her. All he can do is keep her safe.

Sweeney: OH. So now we’re adding a siblings-protecting-each-other-feels story? You’re an ass for not warning me and sending me tissues and stuff.

Mari: Um. RETROACTIVE WARNING.

After a beat, Book declares that one heck of a story, and Mal agrees. Mal decides that they should finish the job at Whitefall for the moment. If Kaylee pulls through, then River and Simon can get off there. If she doesn’t, Mal threatens Simon with getting off a little sooner than that. This throws the crew. Book says that’s murder and he won’t stand by for it. Jayne wants to know what they are going to do with Dobson. Simon is pleading for River, in spite of what they do to him. Wash wants to vote about the whole murdering people thing, but Mal says this isn’t a space-ocracy, it’s a space-tatorship and he’s the space-tator. (S: A+) (S: A+) In Chinese, he tells them all to shut up. Inara tells him that if he leaves people at Whitefall, she’s leaving too. Mal swallows and after a second is able to offer, “it might be best you do. You ain’t a part of this business.” Inara looks startled and Mal walks away.

Sara: Mal ain’t playing today, y’all. And I do kind of want to see Dobson get thrown out the airlock. It was always so much fun on BSG.

Mari: Simon follows after Mal, asking what business he’s into exactly, and why it makes him so afraid of the Alliance. Mal warns him to stop, but Simon keeps plowing ahead and the last thing he says is, “hell, you should probably be working for them. You certainly fit the profile.” It’s the last thing he says because Mal straight punches him IN THE FACE.

Sara: For those keeping score at home, that is two punches IN THE FACE and one punch IN THE THROAT. This show is the best!

Mari: Dobson, it appears, has come to and he’s tied up in one of the ship’s rooms. Mal has tasked Jayne with finding out how much information he was able to get out to the Alliance. Much to his dismay, Jayne doesn’t get to use his big ass knife, because he can read right through Dobson’s lies. Dobson tries a different tactic and offers Jayne lots of money to betray Mal.

Mal is running into the bridge, which might be added to the drinking game if we wanted to, you know, die. Wash has spotted another ship, but this one isn’t Alliance. This one is giving off lots of radiation and Mal quickly deduces that it’s Reavers. Those of you watching for the first time don’t really know what Reavers are, but you know they’re bad because he says it with a vocal fist shake. You know. That tone of voice that would most definitely accompany a fist shake.

Sara: A fist shake and a nostril flare!

Sweeney: It’s been mentioned a few times in other places. I just kind of nod my head and pretend I know what’s going on. I’m excited to know what’s going on! Except, no, sorry, I’m not excited because I’m shaking my fist and flaring my nostrils too? Is that right? I’m confused.

Mari: I don’t know if Nathan Fillion’s nostril flares are recognized by the fandom. I just noticed he was doing it earlier in the recap, which is why I mentioned it. You’re fine, Sweeney.

Book is in the sick bay with Kaylee and River, clutching a Bible over his chest. Mal’s voice comes over the com as we see shots of the crew all stopping their different activities to listen as he informs them that they are about to pass Reavers. They won’t run, because it’ll just invite them to give chase. Mal finishes by calling Zoe up into the bridge. As we see her walking there, Simon stops her, as he doesn’t understand what’s happening. He thought Reavers were campfire stories. He asks what will happen if they take the ship. Zoe: If they take the ship, they’ll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing and if we’re very very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.

Sweeney: Oh! So that’s the face I’m supposed to making. Looks about right. Thanks, Troy.

Mari: The Reaver ships gets nearer and nearer. Inara digs out a box with a small syringe inside of it. Jayne is loading up a gun with some big ass bullets. I think he might be preparing to shoot Reavers with potatoes.

In the bridge, Wash, Mal and Zoe watch as they pass the ship. But all said and done, the Reaver ship remains on course and passes them by. Zoe says they are pushing further out every year.

Later, in the infirmary, Mal is watching River sleep which is something we will never support here at the Snark Squad. Thankfully, this doesn’t last long, as Kaylee wakes up and calls out to him. She says she’s feeling shiny, except for the part where she can’t feel anything below her belly. Kaylee says Simon fixed her up good, and that he’s real nice, though Mal warns her that he won’t be sticking around for long. Kaylee says Mal is nice too, but he disagrees. “I’m a mean old man.” Kaylee tries to get him to promise to remember that what happened to her was nobody’s fault, and then says he is nice because he takes such good care of them. She looks over to River and calls her a beauty, before her eyes close and her hand slips from Mal’s.

Sara: Mal and Kaylee’s father/daughter relationship is the sweetest thing. He seemed like he was trying to hold back tears during part of that conversation. So many AWs.

Sweeney: Indeed. Many AWs and feels!

Mari: In Inara’s shuttle, Simon is thanking Inara for some medical supplies she’s giving him. She emphasizes that Kaylee is dear to everyone on board and Simon apologizes for his part in what happened. Inara: You’re lost in the woods. We all are. Even the captain. The only difference is, he likes it that way. That’s Mal’s cue to enter and clarify that the real difference is that the woods is the only place where he can see a clear path. Mal asks Simon what his business is with Inara, and she snits something about giving him a freebie. Simon exits as they banter a bit more about whose shuttle it is, until Mal points out that she was supposed to be leaving. Inara says that depends on him, and he turns and leaves.

Out in the cargo bay, Mal stops Simon and explains that even Inara will be affected by the lawman on board. Mal doesn’t think Simon has the guts to kill Dobson, and time’s up, because Kaylee is dead. Simon is shocked. We watch in slow motion as he runs to the infirmary. He stops when he gets there only to see Kaylee, alive and awake, and talking to Book. Simon looks in the direction of where he left Mel.

One beat later, we’re in the bridge:

Wash echoes Simon’s line and calls Mal psychotic. Zoe confirms that Kaylee is in fact fine, and she is, which Mal gives the doctor credit for.

We always stop to talk about laughing over on Buffy the Vampire Slayer because we don’t often get more than smiles and chuckles over there. This fully belly laughter here, especially given all the shit that’s happened in the last almost an hour, really seems to drive home two things (1) – the tone of this show and (2) – how much they are working to establish the family vibe between all of them.

Sara: “You should have seen his face!” I love everything about this. The whole time Simon was running to Kaylee, I was freaking out, and then that little wave from Kaylee and the crew laughing? Priceless. This is one of my favorite moments from the entire series.

Sweeney: These people are batshit, but I’m a big fan of this as well. Knowing nothing of what comes next, that family vibe has been well established by this episode and it’s wonderful. Since you brought up Buffy, though, I’ll add that their whole world is a certain level of fucked up, and their way of living seems to be partly about exerting agency in that fucked up world. Buffy is tempered by the fact that she has to feign normalcy while sacrificing herself – BECAUSE DESTINY! – for the horrific underbelly of the world. This isn’t to say either is better/worse, so much as add to your point about the tone difference.

Mari: Family fun time is interrupted by an incoming communication. It’s Patience. Wash connects with her through a video link, and she expresses surprise at seeing Mal so quickly. Mal says that, yes, certain words and bullets were exchanged but that it’s “air through the engine.” He is just looking to do business. He’s upfront about his goods being imprinted with the Alliance seal. Patience says it’s no matter, and that she’ll send him coordinates for a rendezvous point. They end the video and Mal says, “I believe that woman’s planning to shoot me again.”

Jayne explains that if Patience actually meant to pay, she’d have haggled. Mal is pissed. Jayne thinks they should shoot Patience first and Zoe thinks they should try their luck on another moon. Mal is all, “OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU SEEN OUR LUCK DURING THIS EPISODE?” He concludes that they are going to deal with all their obstacles one by one and we fade to Dobson cutting away at his binds.

Sara: As if the cameraman is like, “Speaking of the Firefly’s bad luck…”

Mari: After the cut to black, we’re on the surface of Whitefall. The rendezvous point is a dusty valley, that Zoe points out is good for ambushes. Jayne joins those two, tossing a bar of the stolen goods to Mal and saying he buried the rest good. Mal starts looking over the valley and figuring where Patience is likely to attack from. He sends Jayne to go pick off the snipers. Jayne asks if Mal’s not gonna just piss his pants this time, the way he did with Weasel Lavigne. Mal glowers and tells him not to kill anyone if he doesn’t have to.

Zoe thinks Patience will still have an advantage over them, and Mal says everyone does.

Shepherd Book has decided to warn Dobson about the danger he’s in, but Dobson has broken free and repays Book by attacking him. Even after he’s down and out, Dobson wails on him two more times with his makeshift weapon.

Sara: Dude, Book was on your side! Not cool, man.

Mari: On the surface, Patience approaches with six men. After the greetings, Zoe notes that that’s a lot of men just for three crates of cargo, and she basically calls them insurance, in case Mal came looking for payback. He says he’s just here for business and no surprises.

We see a sniper with his gun trained on the scene. He’s pulled out of the shot, we hear a loud thud, and then Jayne takes his place. He finds his mark, and it’s on Mal himself. Jayne smiles suspiciously.

Serenity. Dobson has found his way to his luggage. He pulls out some sort of small gadget that is failing to connect to the “central cortex.” He throws it in frustration and goes for the apparently next best thing in his bag: guns.

Whitefall. Patience asks for proof that they have the goods. Mal does a typical Western, coat flip to reveal his gun holster, but reaches for the bar tucked away just near it. He tosses the bar to her and she rips away the foil on the outside. As she takes a bite, Mal tells her that it’s pure foodstuffs. “Protein, vitamins, immunization supplements. One of  those’ll feed a family for a month. Longer, if they don’t like their kids too well.” You guys! It was food all along!

Sweeney: WTF!?

Sara: I honestly forgot it was food the whole time and was surprised all over again. I feel like a Snow!

Mari: It’s been a while since I’ve watched, so I felt Snow-y here too. I forgot about this being food and I forgot about Kaylee being shot. Weird.

Patience tosses Mal the money and asks where the rest of the food is.

River wakes with a start and calls for Simon. She clearly scared. Kaylee asks her what’s wrong, but she doesn’t answer. She just walks into the hall where Dobson grabs her.

Mal finishes giving Patience directions to the rest of the Clif Bars. There’s an awkward, “no you hang up first!” moment, but like, with horses, guns, and these two don’t like each other. Patience says she doesn’t like letting go of money if she doesn’t have to, which is why she’s almost-Mayor and Mal is still scavenging the skies. Mal tosses her back the money and says there doesn’t need to be any killing. Patience doesn’t see it that way, so what follows is some killing. It all starts with Jayne shooting the hat off of a guy, and then we have an all out gun fight. Zoe gets nailed in the chest and goes flying back.

Cut to Simon sitting with Wash in the bridge. Wash says Simon should ask to be left somewhere else, as Whitefall is pretty rough and tumble. Simon says he doesn’t need anyone worrying about him and Wash replies, “Zoe’s out on a deal, I always worry. So, it’s not out of my way.” Kaylee’s voice comes through on the com, telling them that Dobson took River. Simon goes running out. Wash is about to follow, but is stopped by a beeping on his console. Not a happy beeping, a shitty luck beeping.

Dobson is leading River out toward the unloading dock in the cargo bay. Simon sees them and jumps down on top of Dobson from the second floor. Both men lay around, too hurt to get up, and River just cowers away from them.

Sara: And cowers away from the gun! Girl, get the gun!

Mari: The fight outside is coming to a close. Mal is clipped in the arm by a man, whom he then shoots in the leg. Mal checks on Zoe, but she was wearing armor, so she’s hurting, but okay. The only other person left is Patience, who is hiding behind her horse with her gun out. She tells Mal not to take another step. Mal fires his gun, causing Patience’s horse to fall on top of her. I’m really scarred from Game of Thrones and horse violence, so I’m hoping that was the horse, like, collapsing in terror and not that Mal shot the horse. (S: +1)

Mal walks over to where Patience is pinned down and sticks his gun right in her face. He does a job and he gets paid. He grabs back his money, and tells her to go back to running her little world. Jayne comes running down to tell them that was one victory but they still have like 87 more obstacles to overcome. The Reaver ship followed them.

Sara: It’s less bad luck and more THE WORST LUCK THAT EVER EXISTED.

Mari: On the ship, Simon and Dobson start to come to. In the shuffle, Simon manages to get a gun first. Dobson starts to psychology Simon. Book comes stumbling into the cargo bay, just as Dobson says he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, though Book didn’t muster enough energy for a “bitch, please.”

Sara:

Mari: The Reaver ship gets closer as Wash asks Mal, Zoe and Jayne where the hell they are. We cut to them, riding for their lives on some of Patience’s horses.

Back in the cargo bay, Simon’s still got Dobson at gun point, but is distracted when the airlock starts to open. Simon looks away from Dobson, allowing him the chance to grab the gun near him, fire near Simon’s head, and grab River. He has the gun to River’s head as he proclaims that he isn’t playing anymore. He starts to threaten that if anyone make so much as a– he doesn’t finish because Mal strides up and without even pausing, shoots Dobson down dead. Book, Inara and Simon all look like they might be sick.

Sara: And I gave a little WHOOP! because Mal is awesome.

Mari: I whooped too.

Zoe calls to Wash to let him know they’ve boarded, as Jayne and Mal grab Dobson’s body and toss it off of the ship. We cut to the bridge as Mal, Zoe and Jayne come running in. Wash is doing his best to lose the Reavers, but he needs Kaylee in the engine room. Inara comes running up and Mal meets her in the hall. He tells her to get in her shuttle with the civilians and to be prepared to run, if they are boarded. Inara says she can’t leave him, because they’ll kill him. He simply says her name and places a hand on her shoulder. A hand that says, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUT I CAN’T ACTUALLY SAY THOSE WORDS.” Something like that. She heads off and he heads back to the bridge.

Sara: I wish Nathan Fillion’s hand would say those things to me.

Mari: Girl. I wish they’d say them all over me.

Wash keeps calm and pilots on, but they are being followed.

Jayne is carrying Kaylee out of the infirmary as Inara comes to collect the civilians. Book says he can help Kaylee, so Inara heads off with Simon and River.

There’s lots of piloting, space-y talk about atmospheres and blow backs all until Mal gets a crazy idea to try something called an Ivan. Wash talks to Kaylee over com, and she points Jayne in the direction of what he needs to do to set it up.

We’re shown the Reavers hot on Serenity’s tail, but Kaylee’s ready to go. Wash tells everyone to hold on, as he slams a lever down. The ship’s thrusters flip around so that Serenity quickly changes directions and heads toward the Reaver ship, which it dodges. Wash screams, “now!” and in the engine room, Book and Jayne both hit some engine-y buttons. Serenity starts heading up into the atmosphere as its butt shoots out flames that surround the Reaver ship.

After a while, it’s clear that they’ve successfully avoided the Reavers. Mal compliments Wash and Jayne is whooping all over the place. Inara looks relieved and Kaylee pets the ships walls and calls it a good girl.

Sweeney: She’s the cutest.

Mari: Wash says they have enough fuel to reach a fueling station. He says they’ll need to make some repairs, but luckily they just got paid. Zoe asks Mal to take the helm because she needs Wash to tear all her clothes off.

Sara: Yup, I think that would do it for me, too. 

Sweeney: I think the regular sex is part of why Steve the Pirate is so much nicer.

Mari: Mal sits down and then we get a shot of Serenity flying along in space.

Later, Inara is treating Book’s head wound, which he says is not so bad. “I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Inara said, but he wouldn’t go that far either.

Book: Is this what life is, out here?
Inara: Sometimes.
Book: I’ve been out of the abbey two days. I’ve beaten a lawman senseless, I’ve fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I’m not even sure if I think he was wrong.

Book breaks down into tears and says he believes he’s on the wrong ship. Inara says maybe he’s right where he needs to be. Book lets his head fall, and Inara places a hand over it. We pull back in the shot so that we can fully see the religious undertones.

Simon is tucking River into bed. This is like the emotional wrap-up tour. She didn’t think Simon would come for her, and he calls her a dummy. They hug as Jayne’s “the girl’s a problem,” leads us into the next scene– Jayne and Mal in the bridge. Jayne wants to dump them. Mal brings up how funny it is that Dobson was able to free himself. Jayne denies any involvement, but Mal knows that Dobson at least tried to make a deal. Jayne smiles slightly. Why didn’t Jayne turn on Mal? Money wasn’t good enough, he says. Mal asks what happens when it is good. “That’ll be an interesting day.” Hey, maybe we’ll get to see that day in an episode or something!

Sweeney: I’m pretty sure we will, on account of how we give such great TV.

Mari: Jayne leaves and violently bumps into Simon as he comes in. Simon wants to know where he’s going to be dumped. Mal says that he’ll be safer if he stays on the move, like say, on a ship. Like this here ship. Simon’s confused. Mal claims that the ship needs a medic, and Simon isn’t weak. As long as he plays by Mal’s rules and keeps River from doing anything crazy, he can have a place on the ship, until he finds something better.

Simon wants some assurance that he won’t be murdered in his sleep. Mal: You don’t know me, son. So let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.”

Sara: I say this line a lot and always forget that it comes from Firefly. Another one of my favorite lines from television. It’s just one sentence, but it gives you so much information on the kind of man Mal is. 

Sweeney: Indeed. Whedon’s great at these awesome little quotables.

Mari: Simon smiles and asks if he’s always so sentimental. Mal says it was a good day, you know, despite the Alliance, criminals and savages.

     

This was a long time coming on Snark Squad and if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading ALL THE WORDS! It’s going to be a fun little journey and we hope you’ll join us again next Friday.

 

Next time on Firefly: Mal and crew are hired to pull off a train heist, but it turns out they are stealing medicine in S01 E02 – The Train Job.