Buffy the Vampire Slayer S06 E12 – Would you like fries with that?

Previously: The Trio (ugh) accidentally turned Buffy invisible, and she used the opportunity to boff Spike and mess with Dawn’s caseworker at Social Services. She also cut her hair. Apparently this was super important news.
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Doublemeat Palace

Kirsti: We open in the living room at Chez Summers. Willow is filling Xander and Anya in on the Trio. There’s another, “who the fuck is Andrew?” line before Xander asks if they should go over and beat up the Trio given that they know where they live and all. Willow informs him that Buffy already tried, but that the Trio had cleared out of the basement. They left a bunch of stuff behind though, and Buffy pilfered some of it.

Willow fangirls for a moment over the idea of spellbooks and charmed objects before Xander gives her a look. Anya, meanwhile, wants to know where Buffy is because she’s going to be late for her first day. She follows it up by saying that demons are better than people, because when she was a vengeance demon, she put in a full day’s work for her money whereas the Trio want to get paid for doing nothing. Xander mentions that “YAY MONEY!” is pretty much a theme Anya discusses every day, and then gets a horrified expression on his face when Willow points out that he’ll be listening to it for the rest of his life.

Lorraine: He keeps having these moments that make me think he isn’t really clear on the whole marriage concept. He might want to figure that out, like, pre-wedding or something.

Sweeney: Those looks are unnerving. But his moment before that where he’s also excited about some of the (pervier) nerdier contents of The Trio’s abandoned basement lair before pretending to be disinterested and adding, “NERDS.” was adorable. I realized that S6 Xander has (so far) been more palatable because he’s come to us in small doses and usually functioned as a reminder of better times past. “Don’t worry,” says the show, “we’ll find a way to make him fuck that up soon.”

K: Accurate.

Anya continues, saying that the workers are the tools that shape America. Buffy’s voice from off camera informs us that she’s pleased to hear this because now she knows why she looks like a tool. The camera pans across to show her wearing the stunning uniform of the Doublemeat Palace. Roll wolf howl.

After the credits, Buffy’s sitting in a back room at the Doublemeat Palace, watching an employee introduction video. This informs us that DMP is a chain across the west, and that their signature burger is the Doublemeat Medley, a combination of beef and chicken, which sounds like the most disgusting thing ever. The video also mentions the name of the chain half a dozen times, but I’m reluctant to give them a gold star for saying their own name…

After an awkward cut, the video concludes by informing Buffy that she must wash her hands after she pees and the manager enters the room. He informs her that his name is Manny the manager, and asks why she wants to work there. She starts rambling about needing money quickly and fast food restaurants hiring pretty much anyone, then trails off when she sees his disapproving face. “Because…I wanted to be part of the Doublemeat experience?” she asks.

Lor: Yeaaah, because (as I’ve mentioned 8 million times) I work in HR, this entire opening made me laugh. Employee introduction videos are the devil, as are interview questions where you clearly don’t want me to tell the truth. This scene was only a slight exaggeration.

K: Manny takes her on a tour of the store. Creepy music plays in the background as she’s introduced to the other employees. They discuss high staff turnover rates, and Manny issues her with a locker that contains someone else’s clothes. He shows her how to clock in, and she looks at the card reluctantly.

Manny takes Buffy out to the kitchen. One employee is slicing processed chicken while another runs big lumps of beef through the mincer. I take a moment to be impressed that they actually make the burgers on site. Buffy stares at the slicer in a hypnotised way for a second, but is interrupted by the drive-through. Manny informs her that the drive-through is a high pressure job, and that she won’t be doing it. He points out the grills and the fryers, and informs her that she won’t need to go into the deep freeze in a slightly suspicious way. Then he takes her over to where the burgers sit, waiting to be served to customers, and picks up a Doublemeat Medley. He unwraps it, mentions that it has a secret ingredient, hands it to her, and demands that she eat it as the creepy music creeps in the background some more. She tries to refuse, but he stares at her. She takes a bite, then asks what the secret ingredient is. “It’s a meat process,” he informs her before saying that it’s time for her to earn her money.

Sweeney: The episode is already doing an amazing job in its mission to make me gaggy and also stay far, far away from fast food.

K: YUP. Cut to the front counter, where one of the other employees is teaching Buffy how to use the cash registers. She makes a couple of jokes, and he laughs before telling her to knock it off because Manny thinks that pretty much everything gets in the way of productivity. An old lady wearing a bad wig comes up and orders a small coffee and a cherry pie. The camera zooms in on the employee pushing the buttons on the cash register – which feature pictures of the food – and Buffy gets overwhelmed. Oh, honey…

He walks her through it again, and informs her that a cocker spaniel could do it. Having owned a cocker spaniel for 15 years, I’m pretty sure he’s right. He tells her to take the next customer – a family – because they’re regulars. He goes off to get Wig Lady’s pie and coffee while Wig Lady makes awkward small talk with Buffy about how she comes to the DMP every day and is sure she’ll be seeing Buffy for a long time. Buffy is understandably less than thrilled by this. The family steps up to the register, and the father rattles off their order at lightning speed. Buffy gets overwhelmed by all the buttons again.

Lor: You know, Buffy got a 1430 on her SAT. She’s not dumb, whatever this scene suggests. In fact, I think it speaks more to the overwhelming feeling that goes hand in hand with a new job, and more, with how dumb a picture system is on a cash register. The hell?

K: True. And 1430 for bringing up the 1430.

There’s a short random shot of Buffy sitting in the restaurant eating a burger – presumably on her break – and then she’s in the kitchen. She snoops in the walk in freezer and gets busted by Manny. He asks what she’s doing, and she says that she was curious. “Curiosity killed the cat,” he says with a frown and walks away. This gives her another hypothesis about the contents of the burgers.

Lor: I like her hair. I wasn’t sure last episode, maybe because she was invisible for most of it, but I like it. I think the coloring’s a little darker too? It favors her.

Sweeney: Agreed on the darker color. This shade looks good on her.

K: Sometime later, she’s back on the front counter, and Anya, Dawn, Xander and Willow are her next customers. Xander asks how it’s going, and Buffy makes a reference to That Time She Was a Waitress In Los Angeles before mentioning that she thinks something is decidedly weird at the DMP. She tells them about Creepy Manny and how the employees all stare off into space and how there’s a secret ingredient and everything’s strange. Xander points out that it’s fast food and therefore to be expected, a speech that ends with “I think you’re seeing demons where there’s just life.” Way to sum up season 6 in one sentence, Xand!

Lor: But also, y’all said that about the roommate from actual hell.

Sweeney: My first thought too!

K: I guess my “Ignore season 4 and hope it goes away” approach is working out for me that I didn’t notice this.

Buffy heads off to get their food, and Anya says that seeing as Xander likes it so much, maybe they should serve DMP at the wedding reception. Dawn’s thrilled, and Anya says that it may be their only option because she’s left things to the last minute due to assuming that Willow would use magic to help, and now NOPE. Willow gets understandably cranky, and Anya half-heartedly apologises.

Cut to night time. Buffy’s standing at the register in the almost empty restaurant, and asks another employee if anyone would mind her taking a break given that there’s no one around. The other employee says that they’re not allowed, plus there’s someone there now. Buffy turns to see Spike waiting at the counter. She tells him to go away because she’s working, but Spike’s all “LOL, NOPE.” He hits on her in a gross, creepy way (“You chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I’m a consumer. Service me.“), then tells her that she’s clearly not happy working there and that she should quit.

She tells him that she needs the money, and he informs her that he can get money for her. She tells him that she has to go help with the deep fryers, and he calls after her, “This place’ll kill you!” That’s our cue to cut to the alley behind the DMP. Gary – the guy who helped Buffy with the registers – is standing by the dumpsters in the dark. He hears a noise behind him, and turns. “Oh, it’s you,” he says shortly before being attacked by something off camera. He screams as we fade to black.

Lor: It’s interesting to see the different ways they come to support her. The Scoobies take the ra-ra! route and Spike tells her she’s going to die. I think his line about the florescent lights making him look dead is more than just a funny thing. This brightly colored, normal person, every day job exists on a plane where Spike is an abnormality. Here he is again, trying to pull her down into the muck, where he is.

K: The next day, the creepy music continues as Buffy clocks back in. Manny walks in and informs her that Gary hasn’t turned up, so she should pull his card. Buffy’s all “Dude, shift just started…” but Manny has no fucks to give. He informs Buffy that she’s going to be working the grill today. We cut to a creepy dude teaching her how to use the grill – put the burgers on, push a button, flip them when it beeps, push another button, take them off and put them on the bun. She flips the burgers when the beeper goes, and gets all “EW, GREASY.” Creepy Guy informs her that it gets literally everywhere, and starts TMI-ing about how he has to clean his ears with a special kit. She’s grossed out, because OBVIOUSLY, and is relieved when Manny walks up. But he’s only there to inform her that she’s going to be working a double shift because another employee hasn’t turned up. She tries to say that they could still turn up, that they could be ANYWHERE, and a huge slab of shrinkwrapped meat gets slammed down in front of Buffy.

Cut to Xander’s Gift Apartment. He hangs up the phone and informs Anya that Buffy has to work a double shift. Then he shrieks a little as a vengeance demon appears in front of him. She threatens him before Anya walks in, distracted by possible wedding food. Xander gestures at the demon, and Anya’s all “OMG, HALFREK!!” They hug, and Xander’s all “…you know her?” Halfrek gets embarrassed when Anya tells her that she called to invite her to their wedding, not to have her smite Xander, and Xander gets uncomfortable and leaves the apartment. Anya looks after him in confusion, and Halfrek wants to know why Anya’s marrying him, then “Hmmm”s all of Anya’s answers.

Back at the DMP, Buffy’s working the deep fryer. The oil bubbles for no reason, and another employee informs her that it happens sometimes and it may or may not be bugs falling in the oil (EW). He tells her that she can go on her break, and she turns in time to see Spike walking up to the restaurant. They stare at each other for a second, and then we cut to them having sex in the alley. Next to the dumpsters and the “Teamwork” bulletin board… Buffy looks distracted throughout, but on the plus side(???) at least no punches are thrown.

Lor: Now she’s bored with the sex? This a different kind of uncomfortable.

Is it over yet?

K: NOPE.

Over at Chez Summers, Willow is lying on her bed reading. Amy walks in, all buddy-buddy. Willow asks what she wants, and Amy says that she’d like the rat cage if Willow doesn’t want it. She then asks how the whole cold turkey thing is going. Willow replies that it’s hard but that she’s getting better. Amy picks up the cage, and utters a word on her way to the door. A swirl of blue light surrounds Willow, and when she stands, her eyes are black and lightning crackles from her fingers. Willow is horrified, but Amy’s all “YOU’RE WELCOME!” and leaves. Willow stares at her hands in disbelief.

Sweeney: The Black Eyes of Black Magic are a strange sight when paired with that particular look of anxiety Willow’s rocking there. It’s both creepy and extra sad. I don’t like it and want it to stop but I just keep gifstaring.

K: Me too. Back at the DMP, Buffy is watching the meat run through the grinder. A big chunk of mince falls on the floor, and she bends to pick it up only to find a finger in it. She stares at it in horror and runs into Manny’s office. She interrogates him while waving the finger, and he suggests that maybe Gary had an accident then drove himself to the hospital. Buffy gives him “bitch, please” face before saying that maybe Gary is in the burgers. She runs into the restaurant and yells at everyone to stop eating because soylent green is people. Manny and another employee drag her back into the kitchen screaming as Wig Lady asks if the cherry pie is okay. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Buffy throws off Manny and the employee holding her. From the floor, Manny informs her that she’s fired and she storms off. Back at Xander’s, Anya and Halfrek are having tea in the dark and talking about Xander. Everything Halrek says makes Anya doubt herself and her decision to marry Xander a little bit more, and while I’m on board with some of it (Xander constantly correcting Anya over how humans should behave, because mostly Anya’s little quirks are adorable), mostly it makes me want to punch Halfrek in the face.

Lor: It’s definitely a bit of a passive aggressive approach, but it makes me feel for Anya. They are throwing out these Anya/Xander red flags like woah.

K: Cut to the Magic Box, where Xander is playing Go Fish with Dawn. Buffy walks in with a burger and is kind of pissed about the lack of Scooby turn out. Dawn says that she couldn’t find Willow, and Xander says that Anya’s entertaining Halfrek. Dawn wants to know why Buffy smells weird, and asks if it’s a demon killing thing. Buffy’s annoyed because her trying-to-be-a-normal-girl routine still ended with her smelling funny and finding dead things. She opens her handbag to reveal the finger, and Dawn ews. Buffy says that they need to analyse the burger and work out if it’s people. Xander spins around with a mouthful of burger and “WTF?”s. He’s finished the entire thing. Buffy headdesks a little, and they squabble.

Willow rushes in and apologises for being late. She picks up a pencil, which promptly bends like it’s rubber because MAGIC, and she’s forced to hide it before the others see. Dawn fills her in on the whole “Doublemeat Medley = people” theory, and Xander throws up in his mouth a little. Willow says that she can start analysing the little scraps of leftover meat in the wrapper, and emphasises that she’ll be using science and not magic. Buffy says that it’s after closing, so she’s going to go and snoop at the restaurant, and heads out. Willow leans shakily against the table, and Dawn asks if she’s okay. Just worried about Buffy, she says, because she could be walking into anything.

Sweeney: Credit where it’s due — Willow is having a miserable day in the being-all-there department and yet she’s still the one with the presence of mind to know that they should be worried for Buffy.

K: Truth. Cut to the DMP and Buffy snooping. She checks out the walk in freezer, then the meat grinder before hearing a noise. She calls Manny’s name, and heads in the direction of the noise only to trip over Manny’s severed foot. Back at the Magic Box, Willow’s fiddling with a chemistry set and muttering to herself as her hands shake. Dawn, meanwhile, is informing Xander that her friend Janice’s sister is a lawyer. Xander thinks this is Dawn’s way of saying he should sue over the people burger, but instead she’s saying that Buffy’s life is already decided for her – she can’t be a doctor or a lawyer or anything big. Xander says that saving the world all the time is a huge deal, but Dawn points out that it means Buffy is doomed to work dead end jobs her whole life. Let’s just get back to that whole “Why the fuck doesn’t the Council give the Slayer a salary?????” thing, shall we?

Lor: This was a nice little moment for Dawn. She realized a big thing about the responsibility Buffy carries and ultimately about B’s fate. It was also amusing that when Xander suggested Dawn support her sister, she was still Dawn enough to be all, “NO THANKS.”

This says a lot about the way minimum wage jobs are viewed and how they ultimately feel when you are trapped within them. Buffy saves the world often, but when you are working these sorts of jobs, it tends to be the only thing people see.

K: Willow announces that she thinks she’s close to having an answer on the people burger front, so Xander and Dawn head over to the table. Anya rushes in, and Xander asks if Halfrek’s gone and also was Anya all veiny and gross like that when she was a vengeance demon? Anya’s taken aback, and wants to know if he thought Halfrek was unattractive. “Is there any answer to that question that won’t make you nuts?” he asks. Willow hands him a test tube to hold, and he and Anya continue bickering as Willow peers through the microscope. She announces that it’s not human, and that she’s not sure what it is other than weird.

Back to the DMP. Buffy’s wandering around in the dark holding Manny’s foot when she stumbles across Wig Lady’s wig sitting on the counter. She joins a few dots, and then Wig Lady steps out of the darkness. She says that she’s not too fond of the nickname Wig Lady, and that she had to do something to hide “this.” The “this” in question turns out to be a three metre long snake/worm/penis that comes out of the top of her head and squirts some kind of mist in Buffy’s face. The mist is paralysing, and Buffy is instantly unable to move more than a lurch backwards. The Penis Monster squeals at Buffy as she tries to back away. Fade to black.

Lor: OH MY GOD, I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one seeing penis. So, to review, penis is paralyzing Buffy then, right? Riiiight.

Sweeney: Definitely a giant penis.

K: Lor, it reminded me of that time in Chicago when we went through an exhibition about insect life, and there was a statue of a giant worm and Penny made you pose for a photo with it, and then we realised it looked like a massive penis. Like that, except alive and coming out of the top of a woman’s head… (L: Thank you for telling the Internet that story. -_-)

After the Not Commercial Break, Wig Lady and her Penis Monster wander after Buffy as she staggers along the front counter. Wig Lady says that the paralysis spreads upwards, and that DMP workers are her favourite food because they’re all full of DMP burgers and the grease makes them easy to eat. Buffy falls to the floor, and the Penis Monster gets all up in Buffy’s face. She whacks it with something, and it squeals away to one side. She starts commando crawling into the kitchen.

Outside, Willow walks up to the front door of the restaurant only to find it locked. Back inside, Buffy’s hiding behind a bench as Wig Lady says that she knows where Buffy’s hiding. Just then, Willow’s voice fills the room. She’s talking through the speaker in the drive-through, and informs Buffy that the burgers aren’t made of people, they’re just processed vegetables. Suddenly, the Penis Monster bursts through a stack of cups right in front of Buffy, and it reminds me of Jurassic Park for some reason… Buffy rolls under the counter and pulls herself along underneath it.

Out by the speaker, Willow spills the beans on Amy having given her the magic and that she feels really awful and guilty and stuff. Buffy’s not really listening, though, because PRIORITIES. She pulls herself out from under the counter and looks around. Wig Lady appears, and drags Buffy to her feet. The Penis Monster starts biting Buffy’s shoulder as she looks around frantically for a weapon. She knocks some kitchenware to the ground, and I’m AGAIN reminded of Jurassic Park. Willow asks if Buffy’s okay because she heard something fall inside. Uh, okay. So she can hear a ladle hitting the ground, but she can’t hear the Penis Monster squealing? OKAY, SHOW. WHATEVER.

Wig Lady shoves Buffy – now completely paralysed – up against the meat grinder, and Buffy’s hand hits the start button. The Penis Monster bites more deeply into Buffy’s shoulder. Willow runs in, and yells Buffy’s name. Wig Lady turns and comments on how nice it is to have visitors.

The Penis Monster sprays its venom at Willow, but she screams and ducks away.

Wig Lady turns back to Buffy and the Penis Monster bites her shoulder again. Willow appears behind Wig Lady and says “Missed me” as she cuts through the Penis Monster with some kind of unidentified whatsit. Buffy, the Penis Monster, and Wig Lady all fall to the ground. The Penis Monster writhes, and Buffy – somewhat hilariously – stabs it with a plastic butter knife. The Penis Monster squeals, despite the fact that the plastic knife – as all plastic knives do – just bent a little without actually doing any damage.

Willow picks up the Penis Monster and shoves it into the meat grinder. Its head pops up and shrieks at her, and she shrieks right back and pushes it down into the blades. Hideous cracking noises come from the grinder as Willow helps Buffy up. Willow’s all proud of herself for killing the Penis Monster, and she and Buffy look into the grinder. The grinder is filled with grey chunks of meat and stuff that looks a lot like beaten eggs, so understandably, they end up with disgusted expressions and a simultaneous “Eeeeeeuw.”

Cut to Chez Summers the next day. Amy walks up the front path and rings the bell. Willow opens the door, and Amy asks if she can come in and borrow some basic supplies because her new place isn’t set up yet. Willow refuses, and says that they can’t hang out any more and Amy can’t come over any more. Amy’s taken aback, and can’t believe that Willow didn’t like the spell Amy cast. When Willow says that what Amy did was wrong and has made her life harder, Amy says that Willow didn’t deny that she had fun with the magic Amy gave her. Willow tells her to get out, and Amy throws in a dose of guilt by referencing her time as a rat. Willow tells her to stay away from her. Amy narrows her eyes, but leaves as Willow closes the door.

 Cut to the DMP. Buffy, carrying her uniform, walks into the manager’s office. Manny’s replacement is there and I laugh forever because her name is Lorraine. (L: WEIRD. STOP IT.) (S: BUT LOL, I WAS HOPING YOU’D MENTION THIS.) Buffy returns her uniform, then turns on her way out the door to ask about the vegetable content of the Doublemeat Medley. Lorraine gets all shifty and asks Buffy to close the door. She then informs Buffy that the meat is made of processed vegetables that make a product that can be ground, and it’s mixed together with beef fat for flavour. I throw up in my mouth a little, because OMFG THAT IS DISGUSTING.

Anyway, Lorraine informs Buffy that she can’t tell anyone about this, and Buffy’s all “Oh, so this is a valuable secret?” Lorraine gets all “Bitch, are you blackmailing me?”, but no. Buffy just wants to be not fired. Lorraine agrees, then says that she doesn’t like short timers and that she wants Buffy to be shooting for the five year pin that she has on her shirt from then on. Buffy’s face falls but she’s resigned to her fate. Fade to black.

This episode is kind of dumb, and a little predictable. But at least Buffy finally got a job and we don’t have to see Amy any more?

Lor: I think I might’ve enjoyed this more than the average watcher. It perhaps doesn’t have the rewatchability factor than some other episodes, but it’s funny when you’ve worked or been exposed to a similar environment. All of the scenes at the DMP were made weird choices that worked for the material. For instance, the scene with Buffy at the grill. It went on pretty much forever with no real rhyme or reason. It sort of droned on, and I giggled the whole time about how accurate it felt. We’ve probably all had that work day that will not end.

The creepy music that played anytime we were just in the DMP was a nice touch, as was the scene of Buffy eating the burger she had just tried to push off during her quiet, lonely lunch break. In the end, the weird people at the DMP were really just weird people, though the Hellmouth aspect came from a different source. There were definitely fail-y bits, and the monster of the week was sufficiently lame, but it’s no coincidence that part of its villainy was paralysis. Buffy may have recently realized she doesn’t want to be dead, but that doesn’t mean she’s gaining a whole lot of ground at this point. She’s as stuck as ever.

Sweeney: I’m glad you enjoyed it! I did not. It’s some combination of the fact that The Doublemeat Palace and The Penis Monster were both so gross and gaggy for me that I wanted to look anywhere but at the screen. I love that Dawn moment, though, when she has that sad realization of what Slayer life means for her sister in a big picture sort of way. It’s also significant and relevant to her depression arc, because we’re getting a clearer look at how she returned to the world somehow more burdened than she was when she left it.

K: Meanwhile, I’ll be over here, giggling like a teenager because the only one who could dodge/kill the Penis Monster was a lesbian. Oh, show. You may have your stupid/awful moments, but sometimes, you’re perfect.

 

Next time: Buffy accidentally kills a girl. Or does she? Find out in Buffy the Vampire Slayer S06 E13 – Dead Things.