Previously: Jack Hyde continues to be the worst criminal ever, demanding a mere 5 million dollars from a billionaire and ultimately getting shot in the knee right before Christian Grey rode in on his abusive horse to reclaim his property.
—
Sweeney: Just to mix things up for a change, Ana starts this chapter in the middle of doing her job. LOLJK, she’s waking up. (L: LOL. Every time.) Ana is waking up and narrating about burning pain and various voices around her becoming clearer, “a beacon in the darkness.” Basically she wakes up long enough to hear Christian Grey angry with the doctor that Ana’s not awake yet and also him asking about the baby, which assures Ana that he wants the baby so she can go back to sleep.
Wouldn’t the “is the baby alive/well?” question be sort of an automatic point to cover when updating the father on her status? Or maybe the doctor is trying to catch Christian Grey giving no fucks to build the attempted murder case against him?
Lorraine: An interesting method, Mr. Doctor. Unfortunately, all this actually did was convince Ana was that her abusive, violent, jealous, piss bucket of a husband wants their baby. Phew.
Sweeney: After a break, Ana is again waking up, but her eyes refuse to open. It reminds me of last year when we vlogged that Goosebumps Choose Your Own Adventure book. One of the choices, near the end of the book, was whether or not to open your eyes. It made me super angry because it’s such a stupid non-choice. Do you hear that, Goosebumps children? Your stupid factor is at around Ana’s level. Be ashamed.
Lor: I can’t remember what my choice was, but I remember it ultimately killed me in that adventure. PICK THAT ONE ANA.
Sweeney: Anyway, she eventually opens her eyes when she hears Christian Grey’s magical voice. Papa Grey is there too and they’re discussing how Mia is doing — angry being her chief emotion in recovery. I’d be angry too if I’d just been assaulted because my brother and his wife are the worst human beings in the history of ever. Oh, but wait! It gets better! Papa Grey goes on to say that he’s feeling really foolish for listening to stubborn Mia and relenting on her security.
Just so we’re clear: Christian and his father are currently of the belief that Mia was kidnapped/drugged because she exerted free will and didn’t want to be caged up by the menfolk.
Lor: Speaking of menfolk, how about this brilliant exchange between Grey and Ray (Ana’s stepdad):
“If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”
“Trust me, Ray, I just might do that.”
DADDY AND HUSBAND SHOULD NOT BE TALKING ABOUT SPANKING A GROWN ASS WOMAN.
Sweeney: RIGHT? What the fuck kind of father asks his son in law if he’s going to spank his daughter? I can’t even handle this conversation, which is probably why I probably glossed over it. Brain could not process that information.
Ana couldn’t actually wake up because she’s in some sort of coma, so she keeps taking us into annoying section breaks with talk of “the fog closing in.” Poisonous gas, maybe? AND THEN SHE DIES?
Lor: NO. She just keeps almost waking up and going back into her coma? She’s had like 7 comas in this chapter, I think. I’m not sure.
Sweeney: A few comas later, she hears Grey chatting with the detective, telling him that obvs the girl in the coma can’t answer questions, to which the detective replies, “She’s a headstrong young woman, Mr. Grey.” LOLWUT? What does that even mean? I don’t know how he could have gotten “headstrong” from their brief interactions — particularly given that she was never allowed to be alone with the detective because she does whatever her husband tells her. More importantly, I’m not sure how her being in a coma is any way connected. But here’s the thing: since ELJ couldn’t actually write a smart, “headstrong” (see also: empowered), female character, she has to have all the other characters assure us that she is these things every so often.
In between more bouts of sleep that can’t actually be lasting all that long because she keeps waking up to the same conversation, Grey and his mother chat. Mama Grey is mad at him for being mad at Ana and for seeing Mrs. Rape. Don’t worry, she doesn’t keep those shiny new points for long — she also adds that it’s actually fine to hurt Ana because “we always hurt the ones we love” and when she wakes up he’ll apologize and all will be right and good in the world. Then Ana hears them sob hugging about the fact that they’re hugging and her future grandma status. But then “sweet oblivion beckons.” IF ONLY, ANA. IF ONLY.
Lor: Mama’s Grey theory that you can only be truly mad at people you really love is hilarious. Hold on. Let’s test this theory: Do I really love EL James? NOPE. Am I truly mad at her?
YEP.
Mama Grey is super wrong.
Sweeney: Eventually Ana wakes up for realsies because ELJ couldn’t keep this up for much longer and also because Ana needs to pee. She waks up and Christian’s all, “ANA!” but she’s all, “Cool, cool, I gotta pee.” (Truly, this is how it happens.) Ana tries to walk herself to the bathroom, which earns her some ragey Christian Grey, BECAUSE HE FUCKING TOLD HER TO LAY HER ASS DOWN SO HE COULD CALL A NURSE AND, “WILL YOU DO AS YOU’RE TOLD FOR ONCE?” Ugh. He has uttered variations of this sentence throughout the books and it makes me want to punch him each and every time. Not that I don’t always wish him bodily harm, but I usually wish specific bodily harm in accordance with specific actions, you see. This one is dickpunch worthy, due to her spending the overwhelming majority of the books doing exactly as she is told, and always “learning her lesson” on the few occasions when she doesn’t. Every single time Ana makes a choice of her own volition that goes against Christian Grey — such times being few and far between — we learn that yes, indeed, ladies oughta do as their menfolk tell them.
The nurse comes in and urges Christian Grey out the door so that Ana can have her catheter removed in peace. Grey won’t budge, but Ana begs, so he rages out the door, telling Ana and the nurse that they have two minutes until The Great Lord Infected Scrotum of the House Jizz Bucket storms back in to keep a close eye on his chattel.
As promised, he storms in two minutes later and argues with the nurse about who gets to take Ana to go pee and Christian Grey will not be told what to do by a lowly medical professional and picks Ana up. He chastizes her for being too light. She’s been awake for about five minutes and every complete sentence he’s uttered to her has been an order or adomishment of some sort. He’s also gone out of his way to undermine her wishes and bodily autonomy. It’s almost an accurate summary of their relationship — it’s just missing all the physical violence.
Lor: SHE JUST REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS. I CAN’T EVEN.
Sweeney: I was about to be all, “YEAH, I ALSO AM UNABLE TO EVEN,” but then I got distracted by feelings and how that’s the greatest gif ever and also feelings.
After loads of bickering, she does get him to agree to stand outside the door with his back turned while she sits and pees / examines her wounds. SHE HAS TO BEG FOR THAT MUCH PRIVACY. And we, the reader, are supposed to think that this is all fair and just, considering that she’s in that hospital on account of spending the whole last chapter separated from Christian Grey. “ANA/WOMEN = WRONG. GREY/MEN = RIGHT. ALWAYS ALWAYS. LIFE FORMULA.” – ELJ.
Back in her bed, Ana gets checked over by a very angry nurse. (Having your fresh-out-of-a-coma patient manhandled on your watch will do that to a person. I wish she had just called security on his ass, but they’re probably all bought and paid for by him too, so whatever.) Ana says she’s hungry, but the nurse wants to wait for the doctor to look her over. Grey, of course, ignores this and calls the Red Power Ranger to bring her some soup. Such a tragic waste of his Mighty Morphin Skillz.
Lor: Fuck calling security at this point. I respect this nurse for not cutting a bitch.
Sweeney: This sounds like the actual worst workday of what is already a difficult job. She’s more than welcome to help herself to Snark HQ Liquor Cabinet.
After the Needs A Drink or Seven Nurse leaves, Ana and Grey exchange laughs about his tendency to make women angry. Ha, ha, ha! It’s so funny how Christian Grey “has that effect on women.” By which we mean, making us so ragey that we want to hulksmash the world. GUYS, I feel like this book is trolling us now.
The nurse returns with water and while Ana sips, Grey fills her in on pertinent details. Mia is fine-ish for someone whose recently been kidnapped and drugged. Ana’s current condition is, of course, all about Grey and all the feels HE has had to suffer through for the last couple days, because DUH. These two selfish twits really do deserver each other. This leads to Ana realizing that she was in her coma for over 24 hours.
Lor: Seven comas, but who is counting? Also, Grey teases us with the “died a thousand deaths” line. Again. Since we’re doing math, I’m pretty sure if you tally up all the thousand deaths everyone in this series has died, we’re up to a bazillion deaths. AND STILL NO ONE HAS DIED.
Sweeney: Also, Jack Hyde is in this hospital, somewhere, though Grey doesn’t know where. Setting aside the question of whether he should still be in the hospital, because I don’t actually know, why would he be in THIS hospital? Ana is obviously unsettled by that news. Why the hell wouldn’t they transport one of them elsewhere? Jack’s long, established history of stalking Ana means that there are actual safety concerns at stake here. Plus, it shouldn’t be that damn hard for Grey to work it out — Jack’s room would be the one being guarded by police 24/7.
Lor: LOL. POLICE.
Sweeney: LOL, right. My bad.
These two assholes hug and sob about how sorry they both are. Her for threatening to leave (instead of actually leaving?) and him for being an asshole about the baby/Mrs. Rape. (Just that, though. No apologies for being an asshole, more generally.) Because of contrivance, he had just landed in Seattle when the bank called so he could over-the-phone-order them to give Ana all their monies. He was there on the scene so quickly because after that call, he immediately worked out that something was up. This leaves me to fill in the remaining blank and conclude that he tracked Ana with the RFID chip he totes had implanted the day they met. (L: A+)
Since we’ve only got two more chapters after this one (!!) ELJ is all, “I’ve been recycling this shit for so long, why would I stop now? LOLOLOL” so obvs it’s time for Grey to tell Ana how angry he is with her and her lack of regard for personal safety. To which all of Traumaland chimes in, “As evidenced by the fact that she stays in this relationship!” But wait! Here it is, dear readers, a moment of essential proof that Christian Grey has ~*changed*~ for Ana! Now he’s not just angry about her regard for her own saftey but also the baby he’s suddenly decided he wants. I fucking hate it when those baby factories get all irresponsible and disrespectful by forgetting that man pleasing and baby-making is their essential purpose.
Lor: AWWW! HE CHANGED. Everyone pack it up! We can forget about these whole three abuse books. No, guys, it’s really fine now. He wants the baby and it only took a rage meltdown, a kidnapping, five million dollars, someone’s kneecap getting busted and seven comas for him to realize it.
<3
Sweeney: TRUE LOVE.
The poor, unfortunate nurse returns again with the doctor to inspect Ana. The nurse, being female, continues to earn Ana’s scorn, because evil vagina. Aside from that seven comas thing, Ana’s actually pretty OK and they might release her in the morning, probably to get the Greys the fuck out of their hospital.
Red Ranger arrives with soup, which the doctor OKs before leaving with the nurse. Ana asks him to bring Christian Grey clean clothes and he hurries off too, equally pleased to minimize his Grey interaction time. (Also, obvs Christian Grey is so romantical because he hasn’t changed clothes since she got hospitalized. If this book has taught us anything, it’s that true love means re-wearing soiled garments!)
Lor: Huh. I suddenly feel better about being alone. THANKS ELJ.
Sweeney: Stupid Writing Update: Ana’s eating. Her hunger is “primal.” Yes, Ana! Eating is an essential thing! Wow, we really are all growing and learning big new lessons as we reach the end (!!) of the book! It took you a very long time, but congrats!
While she eats, Grey elaborates on how he Nancy Drewed her bullshit. It’s stuff we already know, but with more words, primarily dedicated at emotional manipulation and making Ana feel small and shitty and reminding her that she’s done a terrible, terrible thing to Christian Grey — you know, while she sits in a hospital bed, ostensibly the result of trying to save his sister’s life (and chronic stupidity).
Ana also cuts him off at one point with an outburst about his accusing her of being with him for the money. Grey’s response doesn’t actually address her frustration (that he would ever suspect the girl who married him after knowing him for 8 seconds in which he was abusive for all of them would have done that for the money) but instead tells her to watch her language. To which I say: FUCK YOUR BULLSHIT FOREVER, ASSHAT. I hate when people do this, in general, because it’s done to (1) distract from the issue at hand -and- (2) undermine the emotional state of the person speaking. If you have nothing more to say to my comment besides, “Boo, swear words!” then you should probably consider the illegitimacy of your point. But bringing this back on topic: I extra extra hate it coming from Christian Grey, because sometimes the only way to really get my feelings about him across is with a long string of cleverly ordered expletives.
Anyway, Grey had actually tracked the cars and also Ana confirms that Jack is the worst criminal ever. He had told her to get rid of her phone, but the phone in question was borrowed; she’d placed her actual phone in the Hermione Granger Duffle Bag, specifically so that Christian Grey could track his property. She laughs at all this because it’s hilarious that she “knew [he’d] be stalking [her]” LOL forever, AMIRITE!
Lor: Your RFID chip theory wasn’t even all that far off! And yes, all the laughs over the fact that Ana suspected that after telling Grey she was leaving him for good, HE’D STILL STALK THE SHIT OUT OF HER. Pure entertainment.
Sweeney: Just in case you were wondering if this chapter really did have all the wonderful things we’ve all grown to love about this relationship, we get some CLASSIC! Grey infantilizing Ana (for old time’s sake, because two more chapters (!!)) by calling her a “Good girl,” when she finishes her food.
Needs A Drink or Seven Nurse returns with pain meds for Ana. She confirms that they will not affect the baby, as if that isn’t a thing they would consider. (Or maybe they considered it and thought it best to terminate the spawn and/or assure that Young Fiddy would enter the world high enough to tolerate his tragic circumstances.) She tries to make Grey leave so that Ana can sleep, but obvs he’s not doing that. Once out the door, Ana LOLs that NADS Nurse (I typoed that as NSADS, so she shall now be Nurse Sads.) doesn’t approve of Grey. Probably because, as a medical professional, she’s noticed that you have a wealth of injuries totes unrelated to what happened to you and also, also are clearly not mentally competent enough for consent. Nurse Sads knows what’s what.
Obviously this means she needs to GTFO so that Ana and Christian can continue to ramble about nothing and maneuver the IV so that Grey can sleep in Ana’s little hospital bed with her. Ana asks him again why he went to see Mrs. Rape and he again refuses to discuss it. Then the drugs set in and she falls asleep. After a section break she wakes up to find Nurse Sads unhappy that Grey his passed out in her little bed. He stirs in his sleep mumbling, “Don’t touch me. No more. Only Ana.” And FML, that’s probably going to be the big resolution on that issue too, huh? He talked in his sleep, so, like, problem solved!
Lor: He should try and get a refund for those years of therapy.
Sweeney: Ana falls back to sleep and wakes up again to find Christian Grey gone. Papa Grey arrives to thank Ana for saving Mia. Not really important/relevant, but he asks her if they gave her pain meds and her answer is “Lor . . . something.”
Lor:
Sweeney: Also fuck Papa Grey because this happens:
“Christian is always mad at me.”
“Is he?” Carrick smiles, pleased—as if this is a good thing.
He goes on to insist that Ana (like Mia) needs watching, because she’s got a vagina and is now growing a baby. Gotta guard them ladyparts! Definitely have to control the ones who exhibit a superpower like GROWING BABIES. Must keep them locked up so they never realize that they can raise the babies to help dismantle the patriarchy.
Lor: Gotta mention that Papa Grey knows that Ana is pregnant, because Mama Grey read her chart. Hope you don’t mind, Ana! You were in a coma, so it’s whatevs.
Sweeney: After a section break, Christian returns to the hospital room and has a fucking meltdown because Ana was in the bathroom and therefore not immediately visible upon his arrival. He brought her food and is awed because he’s never seen her do so much of the eating thing. Ana has to explain that she requires more food to grow a human, and he’s all, “Wait, if I get you pregnant, you’ll eat more?” IDK.
Anyway, then they discuss how they are both scared of raising a human, what with how terrible they both are at being humans. They agree that time might have been helpful, but I’m going to say that probably no amount of time would have improved their Human Quality Level. Ana insists that Grey will be an amazing father, which is how I know she’ll be just the kind of negligent parent Traumaland is known for. I’m sure there’s a Moms Who Often Forget They’re Moms book club she can join.
He promises to try to be a good dad and she’s all, “Dude, you got this, ’cause BLIP!” And she explains her stupid nickname. He’d been going with “Junior” in his head, which she is willing to immediately accept because she knows her free will level is zero. He likes Blip, though, because they both suck.
AND THEN THE CELL BLOB THAT IS YOUNG FIDDY BURSTS THROUGH THE WOMB WITH RAGE AND THEN THEY DIE. Sorry, that was the only way I could think to get there; this chapter ending didn’t give me a lot to work with.
Whisper Count – 19
Murmur Count – 4
Favorite comment last post: “I think I’m going to print out and laminate a fake credit card that says ‘Catherine Middleton’, then I’m going to walk into Coutts wearing jeans and a hoodie and see if they’ll let me withdraw £5,000,000 if I tell them that my husband is Prince WIlliam. I’ll let you all know how I get on, k?” – Alex
Next time: IDK, really. With only two chapters left and all the issues tied up in a magical bow of pretending the problems no longer exist – in true ELJ fashion – I banking on a few more unsexy sex scenes. See for yourself in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 24.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
