Previously: Ana woke up from her coma and was cleared to leave so Christian Grey privately asked her doctor for permission to fuck, which was granted without conversing with Ana. Grey shared this clearance with Ana and then refused her every attempt to initiate sex because he’ll tell that slut when she wants it, goddamnit.
—
Sweeney: It’s the last fucking chapter and I’m supposed to celebrate, but it’s also my last opportunity to make sure you understand that ELJ has the worst chapter transitions ever. (And the worst everything ever, but one step at a time, OK?) The only occasions on which Ana doesn’t begin the chapter waking up are those that we begin immediately after the end of the last chapter, in a place where a chapter break makes zero sense. This is of the latter variety.
A consistent feature of both chapter beginnings — and also all the time always — is Ana asking a lot of really pointless questions. I spend a lot of time in my own head so I’m not one to judge the idea of a very active inner monologue. But what if my inner monologue consisted only of questions? Can you imagine how it would be to live like that? Could such a person ever be expected to have a spine or sense of self-identity? Can I even make my questions pointless enough to really drive this home? Here, let me quickly tell you that I am blinking and digesting food while asking these questions. I may have to take a bathroom break at some point in the writing of this recap. Do you feel a little less intelligent than you did a paragraph ago?
Lorraine: I want to say yes, but also we’ve read all three books so admitting that this drivel makes you less intelligent is not something I really want to do at the moment. BRB. Crying.
Sweeney: Ana’s asking herself if she wants to hear Christian’s fairytale about his time with Mrs. Rape. She’s also updating us on their various bodily functions, FYI – Ana’s struggling to breathe (he forgot to tell her to do that! And then she dies?) and Christian Grey is blinking and swallowing but in that broody sexy way that guys often do before they talk to you about their history with sexual assault.
It’s a bit horrifying, actually. Adolescent!Grey was just working on Mrs. Rape’s yard. He made a sarcastic comment so this grown ass woman slaps him and then kisses him, but stops there, so this teenage boy from an abusive background is basically just left bewildered. Ana informs us that Grey is whispering all of this “as if it’s a dark confession . . . because frankly it is.” SHE’S THE MOST IDIOTIC NARRATOR EVER. Sorry, we were talking about statutory rape and rape rape and other horrifying things, but I’m not sure my stomach can handle it so I latch onto these reminders that Anastasia Steele has a cranial wind tunnel where a brain should be.
He goes on to talk about what an angry, lonely adolescent he was and how much he hated to be touched, but liked that Mrs. Rape only grabbed his face and didn’t touch the rest of him when she kissed him. Their “relationship” progressed with more days like the first one. He’d go over to work and she’d alternate between beatings and sexual harassment. Grey insists to Ana that this assault saved his life because now he had a way to blow off steam instead of getting in fights at school. His world was put “in focus” by Mrs. Rape and stayed that way even after their relationship ended, on up until he met Ana. Ana’s all, “OMG, I get you now!” and they talk about how great it was that Mrs. Rape helped him channel his anger, and cope with his negative self-image.
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, REALLY? He neglects to mention the important detail that he kept his world ~*in focus*~ between his experience as an abused statutory rape victim and his new life as a married wife-beating rapist by seriously damaging and mentally unhinging other women though his relationships with them. HE’S GOT THERAPISTS ON RETAINER FOR HIS EXES. This back story asks the reader to buy into Christian Grey’s insistence that Mrs. Rape was a positive force in Grey’s life because it assumes that you think he’s now a good guy. It does this in no small part by glossing over all the details of who he was when he met Ana. This is to say nothing of the fact that he’s still terrible, but there was a point when even this book would acknowledge that Grey was super fucked up when he met Ana (we have about 100 posts documenting how that never changed, but I digress). In giving him his bullshit origin story, she is also now pretending that she never conceded that he was ever terrible. See, he was just damaged by his difficult past, you know? His sense of right and wrong was just warped by his past and so all of his bad deeds should be forgiven and, in fact, not really even viewed as bad deeds. His being damaged means that we get to set the bar for good behavior so low he could trip over it. As an added bonus, with the bar so embarrassingly low, even failure to get over it can be laughed off because there’s nowhere to fall.
He does talk about his BDSM life, again neglecting the fact that this book has been about abuse rather than BDSM, as evidenced by every single encounter we’ve seen with Grey and an ex. Now, however, his transition into the role of abuser is presented to us as the story of how he took charge of his life. (And the lives of women around him, because he’s got crack whore mommy issues and gets off on beating facsimiles of his mother.)
Lor: BDSM is allowed to be the force of good in his life when it’s in the context of statutory rape, but then suddenly he needs to be cured of it the moment virginal Ana Steele steps into his life. Bitch can’t even decide which warped message she would like to send out. She’s sending out every sex-negative message there is. Additionally, I’d just like to tack on my hate of the very idea that rape or abuse in context is worthy of exoneration. I mean, Ana’s been forgiving this poisonous spunk bubble from the beginning, but this is the culmination of the entire three book series. Ana’s, “OH! I get it!” is clearly mirroring what we, the readers, should be thinking. Except:
Sweeney: Exactly! And now that we’ve gotten to the moral of this thoroughly sex-negative series, we can tidy up this Crack Whore Storytelling Hour by talking about how marrying his favorite victim is the best decision he made ever, ever. Ana asking a million questions in utter disbelief. Even Mrs. Rape knew that he was head over heels in love with this victim, you see. And now that Ana endangered her life for his family, he finally sees that she’s totes in love with him too.
GUYS. IT’S CHAPTER 25 OF THE THIRD BOOK AND WE ARE STILL GETTING LINES LIKE THIS ONE:
“Why are you surprised I’m still here? I told you I wasn’t going to leave you.”
Remember that one time at the end of the first book when he beat Ana so hard she left him, only to get back together a week later? He has spent every moment of those two books holding that decision against her and blaming her for it. He beats the shit out of her and she is consistently made to feel guilty for leaving. Listen, I’m all for crack lit now and then. Avid consumers of media have all enjoyed a shitty book/TV show/movie or two over the years. It happens. I can almost see how one might speed through the first book and get through it quickly enough to not really notice the horror of what they’re reading. But no, nope, never going to understand someone who makes it to this point and can’t see how abusive this relationship is. Or, rather, knowing how many people did just makes me want to weep and die because it’s proof of how much work we, as a society, have to do in correcting some truly awful cultural norms.
Lor: “This point,” is being generous, too. I’ll give people the first book up until he beats the shit out of her. That’s all the allowance I’ll ever give. After that moment, you should be ashamed of yourself if you proceeded to think that this was in any way romantic, entertaining, or non-abusive. ADDITIONALLY, and this is a big one, if these things are being pointed out to you and you continue to MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM, either by denying them out rightly or contextualizing them, again, SHAME ON YOU. At the very least, do some research. Read what you just read a little slower and decide if this is the type of material you want to invest money in, recommend to others, or model any of your thinking after.
Even as entertainment. If you find this entertaining, evaluate.
To end my large block or angry text, Ana starts apologizing during this whole exchange for being mean (calling him an “adolescent”) after Christian Grey was fucking awful to her after she announced she was pregnant. Mid apology, Grey puts a finger over her lips and hushes her.
YES. I LOVE/HATE THIS PHENOMENOM OF PEOPLE SHUSHING OTHERS WITH A FINGER. WHEN IS THAT EVER OKAY? NEVER. BUT IT HAPPENS ON TV AND IN BOOKS SOMETIMES AND IT MAKES ME GIGGLE WITH RAGE. HE SHUSHES HER WITH A FINGER.
Sweeney: Rage Giggling is an accurate description of what we do while reading. As an aside, I sometimes feel we’ve missed a prime opportunity by not filming ourselves as we read, because I don’t think I can ever properly replicate the natural grimace I often get while reading.
Anyway, I spoke too soon, because Crack Whore Storytelling Hour isn’t quite over. It’s time to talk about the baby and how mad Gry was that Ana let herself be impregnated by him, especially when she’s so “quietly ambitious.” (LOL) All this stuff about these two having a child is the cyanide cherry on this shit sundae — especially since his conversation with Mrs. Rape is what helped him ~*see the light*~ because she made a pass at him and he “recoiled” from her for the first time. I’m not going to bother with any additional details. It plays out something like this:
Lor: It’s excellent that there is this whole, “I realized I really, really loved you because I didn’t cheat on your with my ex-abuser,” vibe going to this whole entire part of the story. …thank you?
Additionally, mid-story Ana thinks about how she actually wants more than one kid, though she doesn’t think this is the right time to bring that up. Know when the right to bring that up is? BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, STUPID HEAD.
Sweeney: Right, so his interaction with Mrs. Rape is, as one would expected, described exclusively in details that any sane person would find problematic. Somewhere in there he admits that after Mrs. Rape left the bar that night he got stupid drunk thinking about his future son being abused and statutory raped and it was the first time he recognized that it was maybe a little bit wrong. But it ~*saved his life*~ and that half-concession is meant to undermine that important detail, or imply that his behavior post-Mrs. Rape has been abusive and wrong. Again, because conceding that this was kind of wrong only reaffirms that he’s damaged and therefore his being a shitty person should be excused and he should be congratulated when he behaves in a way that remotely resembles decency. Cool, ELJ. Cool.
I really thought I could drop that Grinch gif and be done with it but baby talk takes us back to the actual Crack Whore who Baby Christian loved so much. I’m a little bummed that Ana’s the one bringing up his mother because it means we don’t actually get to the words “crack whore” but I’m fixing that for you. Baby Christian just wanted to brush the Crack Whore’s hair! This adds another creepgusting dimension to his love of braiding Ana’s hair.
Lor: Could we really say goodbye to the series without a dash of pedoalert and a sprinkle of infantilization? I mean I personally, definitely could, but apparently ELJ could not.
Sweeney: This entire chapter might be her best bit of recycling yet, because she managed to re-tread so much ground! It’s like “Lather, Rinse, Repeat: The Remix”
It’s really unpredictable what things are going to make me rage and what things are going to make me giggle uncontrollably at the stupidity of it all. Grey talks about how afraid he was that he was going to be an awful parent and Ana responds:
I stroke his dear face. Oh, my Fifty, Fifty, Fifty. “Christian, do you think for one minute I’d let you be a shitty father?”
Ana, honey, I know we ask you this a lot, but where have you been for the last three books? You don’t “let” Grey do shit. Grey will be shitty forever and you will silently accept it forever, until that one glorious day when you both finally die. That’s how this story ends. I know you keep dragging it out and pretending there’s something sparkly and wonderful buried in there, but NOPE. Not the case.
Lor: If ELJ could next write a guide on how to get someone to stop being a shitty father, that’d be great. I mean, apparently she thinks that’s a thing, so she should at least share the secrets.
Sweeney: Except that is the end of Grey’s “bedtime story.” Fucking finally. I already whined about this on Twitter, but Grey’s little story was a metaphor for the whole book in that it was rage-inducing and also felt like it was never going to end.
Lor: Also, CAN WE STOP CALLING THIS TALE OF RAPE AND ABUSE A BED TIME STORY NOW, JAMES? I feel horrible for your children.
Sweeney: It’s on the long list of reasons being ELJ’s child must be terrible. Having mommy porn dedicated to you still has to top that list for me, though.
After a section break, Ana is, of course, waking up. It’s now Monday (story time happened on Saturday night). Grey is up already and Ana takes this time alone to entertain the idea of going back to work for one whole sentence before using her Grey-free time to think about him and how she can’t wait until he decides she’s ready for sex again. Rather than acknowledge how bullshit it is for Christian Grey to once again serve as her bodily dictator, she thinks it praise-worthy that he’s able to exhibit so much self-control.
Lor: Self-control??? IN A MAN? HE DESERVES ALL THE AWARDS.
Sweeney: But since we’ve still got more than half the chapter looming ahead and this final chapter is sort of a collection of ELJ’s Worst Hits, I’m sure the moratorium on sexytimes will end shortly. Hooray for me. -_-
Sorry, that’s not really what happens. I was daydreaming again.
Her plot to seduce Grey is to pretend she’s going to work in a short skirt. Because she’d be violating all his orders and he’ll be so outraged that he’ll have to fuck her! There is no exaggeration for effect here. This is the actual plan. In the kitchen we learn that he’s still in his pajamas because he’s taking the week off work too (that’s how long Ana’s doctor told her to stay home from her fake job) in order to make sure she’s not able to exert any silly free will in his absence. (Since, you know, he owns her work and can control her remotely when she’s there.) Slut shaming disapproval of the skirt happens as expected.
Unfortunately, Grey can tell that Ana’s trying to initiate sex all on her own (albeit by manipulating him into thinking he started it, which is what a girl’s gotta do when her husband’s an abusive misogynist, you know?) and decides that they’re going to look at the house and spend sex-free quality time together, while slightly taunting her for trying to initiate it in the first place. “LOL, woman iz think she can decide sex for self! LOL SILLY WOMAN. YOU R WAIT UNTIL MAN IZ ORDER SEX.” Just one last fun reminder of the way their sex life works, just in case anyone was going to close this book and try to argue that these books are somehow sexually liberating for women.
At their new house, Ana tells us how pretty everything is while Elliot and Christian have an actual conversation about their progress. Ana just dumbly listens because she’s useless. She also begrudgingly concedes, in her internal monologue, that Evil Gia is actually good at her job. She doesn’t go so far as admitting that she never deserved to be treated like shit by Ana, but that would be asking too much.
Lor:
Sweeney: Ana’s excited that they might get to be in the house by Christmas and then it’s time to shoo Elliot away so that these two can go back to talking about their awful love and horrifying life they’re going to live together. Ana shows Grey the picture of the ultrasound and we’re supposed to be super impressed with his paternal love instead of, you know, wishing somebody would call the Department of Child Services and warn them.
They have their picnic in the meadow and we’re treated to a lot of ELJ’s excessive babble about surroundings. Mostly, it’s to remind readers of this totally! significant! place! that ELJ did not pilfer from another (terrible) work of fiction.
While they’re chilling in the meadow, Grey has a bunch of business phone calls that Ana doesn’t understand and are written in ELJ’s usual fashion of writing professional conversations as seen by a five-year-old.
Question: do we think that maybe she did have one of her children write the work conversations? As if she was all, “Ugh, I really just want to write more bad sex scenes, you know? You there! Boy! Write some stuff about grown-ups at work, OK? THEY’LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.”
Lor: I’ve already noted how bad I feel for her children and anything involving story time. This seems like a legit continuation of that thought.
Sweeney: Anyway, it turns out that Mrs. Rape’s ex-husband — you know, the one that left her when she started abusing and sleeping with minors, instead of calling the cops like a responsible adult — posted Jack Hyde’s bail. Grey is mentioning some awful thing he did to Mrs. Rape, so I guess I have that incorrect, but I don’t remember the awful thing and I don’t care. I’m sure he’s terrible just like everyone else in this fictional universe so I give no fucks. Grey did some Monopoly business over lunch, successfully destroying his livelihood by putting up hotels on half the board. Something like that.
Lor: PLUS HE OWNS ALL THE RAILROADS AND UTILITIES. FAWK.
Sweeney: Grey is being menacing and a little murdery, which obviously gets Ana hot. He says he’s only being menacing and murdery because he’s gotta protect his stuff. (It is super important to protect your stuff, I’ll give you that, Grey. I love my stuff too.)(L: I hate when people take my stuff away. Never be without your stuff.) With this perfect storm of murdery, possessive bullshit, these two can’t help but fuck in the meadow. They didn’t even have a choice! The abusive chemistry was too much to resist, even with Grey’s award-winning willpower.
The sex is briefly interrupted by the fact that Ana’s ribs are bruised and breathing sharply is painful for her. Details. They move around a bit to accommodate. Ana wants to finish this quick because she’s so horny, but Grey, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, must dictate the pace of this and he insists that it be slow so that I can be properly tortured during my final Fifty Shades recap. HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH YET?
Lor: Grey’s all, “slow, Ana,” and I actually said, out loud, “NO. PLEASE. NOT SLOW.” Alas.
Sweeney: OMG, but wait! It’s not all terrible. I mean, yes, it’s all terrible, but I forgot how often their sex scenes were hilariously terrible. We get a parting reminder of Christian Grey’s underwear destroying superpowers. Since our blog has already been flagged as porn by various school and professional networks (oops) I’m just going to give you this in ELJ’s own words because it’s so much funnier than anything I can contribute:
“I hope you’re not attached to your underwear,” he murmurs, his eyes wild and bright. His fingers trace the elastic along my belly then slide inside, teasing me, before grabbing my panties tightly and pushing his thumbs through the delicate material. My panties disintegrate.”
Maybe it’s only funny after you giggle-read it for the 10th time through. IDK. Slightly less amusing and more along the lines of sad and pathetic is that Christian keeps ordering her to be slow about this and he finally relents after she repeatedly straight-up begs: “Love me. Please, Christian.”
After they’re both finished, they have cuddle times in the meadow. Ana points out that he’s super bossy during sex. Again, I have to ask, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST THREE BOOKS? I’m not really sure how she’s making the distinction that his uniquely bossy during sex. Maybe that’s the only time she’s aware of it since she thinks with her vagina. The point here, though, is that he misses the proper abuse sex, and he really wants to “test [her] limits.” (And ours.)
A section break takes us forward two days. Ana’s working from home and grumbling that Grey doesn’t want to go back to the Red Womb of Domestic Violence with her. How dare he not want to get back to abusing her when she could barely have sex because breathing deeply was painful just two days ago!
She hears him playing his broody piano, though. She spies on him and he’s shirtless, so she starts hatching a new plan for convincing him to have sex with her on something vaguely resembling her own terms.
Since this chapter really is on a quest to cover the whole awful book in one fell swoop, this plan involves leaving the room that he is in to go to another room where she can send him an email. The subject is “My Husband’s Pleasure,” which Grey obviously approves of.
After he sends his response email, she informs us that “Thirty-seven seconds later the door opens.” LOLOLOL. Did she have a stopwatch handy? Was it thirty-seven seconds after she received the email or after she finished reading it? I’m not afraid to ask the big questions, friends.
Lor: I hope she remembered to include the “Mississippi” while she was counting or else that count is all sorts of inaccurate.
Sweeney: He picks Ana up and carries her up to the Red Womb of Domestic Violence. Outside the door he tells her that she’s “topping from the bottom” which is hilarious because it’s another instance of the book telling us that Ana’s in control of things in spite of providing unending evidence to the contrary. I’m afraid that I’m about to be doubly punished and get a playroom sex scene in addition to the stupid bruised ribs meadow sex scene, but it seems like even ELJ is over this shit. The chapter ends with them opening the door to the playroom (LIKE A METAPHOR FOR THEIR NEW ABUSIVE LIFE TOGETHER) and these final ~*deep thoughts*~ from Ana’s internal monologue:
Jeez . . . Life is never going to be boring with Christian, and I’m in this for the long haul. I love this man: my husband, my lover, father of my child, my sometimes Dominant . . . my Fifty Shades.
I don’t know, Ana. I’ve found your life exceedingly boring so far. It’s often amazed me how I could simultaneously be furious and angry.
BUT HERE WE ARE.
WE FUCKING DID IT, Y’ALL. THIS IS THE END. Sort of. Not really, we still have an epilogue to cover and final counts to share, but this is the end of the last official chapter, so I think we’re all due for a Destiny’s Child Dance Party.
Whisper Count – 42
(NOT EVEN A JOKE. I CHECKED EACH COUNT THREE TIMES.)
Favorite comment last post: “‘Let’s talk about equality, y’all because girls can be demon spawns too.’ This is both the funniest sentence in the history of ever AND will be serving as the tagline for my new comic book series, DEMONCRACY DIVA.” – Democracy Diva
Next time: We still have an epilogue to get through and we couldn’t wipe our hands of Fifty Shades without a final celebration, could we? We will be recapping the epilogue on Monday with new Fifty Shades wrap up related posts continuing on every day next week. Get your party hats ready, Traumateers.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
