Pretty Little Liars S02 E11 – Toby Abs Fix Everything

Previously: Shit got real when A massaged Emily, and things are a little less funny and a little more creepy.
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I Must Confess

Sara: We kick this episode off in the middle of the night with quiet (for real this time!) as Emily and Hanna are sleeping in Hanna’s room. Emily checks a text on her phone and then gets out of  bed and heads out. Apparently she isn’t trying to be too sneaky, because her tires squeal as she takes off.

The next morning, Hanna has gathered the other Liars so they can figure out what’s going on with Em. Spencer says that she probably jumped in her car and drove until she reached Texas. Which sounds like a fantastic idea, because A LEGIT TRIED TO KILL YOU, GIRL.  Aria is worried because Emily didn’t even bring her phone with her. Again, this sounds like exactly the way to fix this whole situation. Then again, the last time they tried to turn off their phones, a perfectly timed piece of paper with an A message floated by, so. Aria says that Emily being massaged by A is a great reason to have a full-on panic attack, and I agree. That shit is creepier than the poison to me. Poison me all day, but PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME.

Lorraine: You know, at this point I’d just ruin my own life, sit around all day in bed, ruined but happy. Or, like, driving to Texas is a good back up plan.

Sweeney: Either/or, really.

Sara: As the girls’ conversation continues, we cut to Emily running full speed through the woods, and she’s crying. Back with the other PLLs, Hanna picks up Emily’s cell phone and sees a picture of Aria and Ezra kissing. Because Aria is the actual fucking worst at hiding her secret. Spencer asks Aria if that’s her in the picture, and Aria confirms it, because obviously. Spencer, still annoyed about Aria’s mom thinking she’s banging Pedzrafitz, says maybe it’s not so obvious since PiperMom would probably assume it was Spencer, sluttin’ it up. Hee.

Sweeney: I love this, because Spencer is obviously the PLL who would care most about her friends’ parents’ opinions. (That was totes me. Probably not a Spencer in general. (I wish.) But I was definitely that kid.)

Sara: They notice that the picture was sent at 3 AM, and it had a text message attached. “Clue Ella (Piper Mom) in, and I’ll let you out.” Hanna assures Aria that Emily would never send that picture to PiperMom, because everyone always has to protect stupid Aria’s secrets.

When Lorraine, Sweeney, and I met this weekend, we spent some of our time discussing Pretty Little Liars (as Snark Ladies do) and this whole Aria thing. The thing about Aria is that she is literally the only Liar who is setting herself up to be messed with. Spencer, Emily, and Hanna don’t willingly make their secrets. A has to create situations for them – poisoning Emily, setting Spencer up to look like a murder suspect, using Hanna’s mom’s secrets against her. Aria is the only Liar who has power over her secret. She has the opportunity to end the relationship with Ezrafitz. She could take the power back from A by handling her shit, but obviously Aria DGAF. And by dragging her own secret out and continuing to let A (and the rest of the seeing world) know that she is still doing this Ezria thing is putting all of the Liars in danger. As is evidenced by A using the Ezria relationship to screw with both Hanna and Emily so far. BUT ARIA STILL DGAF. BECAUSE SHE IS TERRIBLE. Emily was outed to her parents, got a massage from an attempted murderer, and has been poisoned, and Aria’s first thought is the fear that Emily will rat on her. SHE IS THE ACTUAL WORST.

Lor: ADDITIONALLY, SHE WAS KISSING IN PUBLIC and kissing in front of people who could in fact turn around and tell her mom. So, the fact that she keeps allowing this half-secret to ruin her friends’ lives is in fact the actual worst.

Sweeney: WORST.

Sara: Moving on. Emily stops in the middle of the woods and the next thing we see is Em knocking on Dr. Anne’s door. Dr. Anne invites her in to join everyone else, and Emily is confused until the sees the other Liars sitting in the office.

SHHHHH.

Back in Dr. Anne’s office, the girls ask Emily why she didn’t come to them. She says that she’s tired of being used to knock down her friends, and she knows she’s the weakest link. Dr. Anne interrupts to ask who is doing this to them, and Spencer tells her that someone has been trying to hurt them for a long time. Dr. Anne looks concerned and asks if she’s the only person they’ve told, and YAY. They finally told an adult! This will definitely end really well, I bet!

Sweeney: Damn it, show. IT SHOULD, BUT IT WON’T, BECAUSE IT’S THIS SHOW AND UGH.

Sara: Toby is at his house, loading wood pallets into the back of his Sugar Baby Truck (S: A+) when he hears music coming from a car that is literally seven footsteps from where he’s standing. If you’re wondering how he didn’t see it pull up or hear the music sooner, join the club. When he approaches the driver’s side window, he sees Blind!Jenna in the passenger seat, eating sunflower seeds? IDK. She’s lining the seeds up on the dash when she’s finished, because she is weird. She doesn’t hear Toby standing at the window, even though she’s proven her superpower hearing abilities before. He notices Officer Garrett coming out of his house and towards the car, so he hides in plain sight behind a bush. He watches as Garrett gets in the car and starts making out with Blind!Jenna. Ew.

Lor: I’m confused by this whole set-up and why Jenna would make-out with her secret boyfriend so near to either her house or Spencer’s house. I can’t figure out where we are. I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING.

Sara: Shhhhh. Don’t think about it.

Back at Dr. Anne’s office, the psychiatrist is asking the girls when the threats started. They explain all of Season 1 to her, and she asks the million dollar question: Why have they waited this long to tell an adult? The girls don’t have an answer because the reason is contrivance.

Over at the School for Discussing Stalkers and Eating Lunch and Maybe Once in a Blue Moon Studying, the girls are eating lunch and discussing their stalker. They’re worried that Dr. Anne thinks they’re crazy, but Emily says that even their parents think someone is after them because of the fashion show dramz. Hanna says her negligent dad wants to sue everyone, because that’s how you show your children you love them. She changes the subject to ask Spencer if she brought the horse books. Apparently Hanna has decided to win Kate’s approval by regifting some of Spencer’s fancy rich people books about horses. Spencer says that she should probably just get her something new, because rich people are good at sniffing out regifts, but Hanna doesn’t think it will matter. Aria doesn’t get why Hanna cares if Kate likes her, but Hanna says that it isn’t about her – it’s about her dad. Since they’ve been getting along lately, she doesn’t want to ruin it, once again proving that Hanna is the most mature person in her entire family and her dad is the worst.

Blind!Jenna is sitting a few tables away (isn’t she always?), and the girls hear her arguing with someone on the phone. They wonder if she’s the one who sent Emily the picture of Ezria, and they guess that she had a little help from Officer Pedo.

Their conversation is interrupted when an old woman with a Paula Deen accent shows up to greet Hanna and say she hardly recognized her, because she was eating a salad. Uh, thanks Grandma. And thanks ABC Family for never letting up on the eating disorder issues. The girls all laugh because LOL FAT HANNA JOKES. Grandma Paula is just there to pick up a house key, and she asks Hanna to show her where the bathroom is because she has to “wipe the dew from her lily.” And I just threw up everything I’ve eaten in the last year.

Sweeney: YUP. That was not at all necessary, show. Not at all necessary.

Sara: Over at Montgomery Manse, Piper Mom and Shitbag Montgomery are having a conversation about their son Mike, because sometimes they remember that they have a son named Mike. Shitbag is all about drugging Mike up to fix his problems, but PiperMom argues that he needs to talk to someone before they make a decision about medication. The conversation is getting heated when Aria walks in, and her parents cool it. Aria questions them, and Piper Mom admits that there is a difference of opinion on the Mike subject. Shitbag says this isn’t a poll – it’s a decision for the two of them to make later.

Lor: I really can’t decide how I feel about the Montgomerys. I mean, I know how I feel about them (they suck) but then I try to remember all of their true life problems like adultery! and depression! and breaking and enterings! only to find that I don’t care, and they still suck.

Sweeney: +1

Sara: Hanna is on the phone getting her flirt on with Caleb when her dad calls and asks her to do a toast with Kate at the rehearsal dinner the following evening. She agrees and, after hanging up, relays the information to Grandma Paula. Grandma Paula asks Hanna WTF her father is thinking, marrying this Isabelle woman, but Hanna is the sweetest and says that he loves her and that’s all that matters. Grandma Paula poo poos that idea and suggests that she skip the toast. “I vote for skipping everything.” And Grandma Paula is officially okay in my book, because that’s pretty much my life motto for anything I don’t want to do. (L: I’m pretty sure we discussed the Snark Lady inability to force themselves to do things this weekend. SKIP EVERYTHING.) Unfortunately, Grandma Paula immediately makes me dislike her again when she tells Ashley Marin that she needs to fight for Shitbag Marin, because he is still in love with her and just waiting for him to take her back. Bitch, we have been here for a lot longer than you and let me tell you, YOU ARE WRONG. Run, Ashley! You are so much better than your shitbag ex-husband!

Ashley tells Grandma Paula that the marriage ended a long time ago, so she needs to stop baiting Hanna and also, to put her damn bowls back where they go and stop trying to rearrange her kitchen. Then Ashley drops the mic and walks out, because she is the best best. After Ashley leaves for work, Grandma Paula asks Hanna if she’s lying to herself, too. Hanna does an Aria Shrug instead of answering.

At Montgomery Manse, Aria tells Mike that Piper Mom needs his help with dinner. Mike is all, SHUT UP AND GO AWAY, which is valid because it’s Aria, but still, he is being a dick. Aria tries to mother him and tell him that he needs to let someone in, and Mike ignores her. Right then, PiperMom shows up to ask Mike to come downstairs. When he refuses, she goes to grab his computer to take it away from him, but he grabs the other end and yanks it away from her. PiperMom somehow gets thrown out of the way and hurts herself, and Mike storms off. Both PiperMom and Aria are really freaked out because kids being violent to their parents is 100% a good reason to freak out. PiperMom tells Aria that they will not be telling Shitbag Montgomery about this, and that Aria needs to go along with the lie to her father. And this is now the second time that Aria’s parents have asked her to lie to the other parent for them, which is bullshit. I understand that Piper Mom is panicking about what just happened with Mike, but NO. STOP THAT. Regardless, Holly Marie Combs is a phenomenal actress.

Lor: Totally great. I don’t know if I’ve made that comment yet, because I first learned of her superior acting ability on Charmed where she was pitted against Shannon Doherty and Alyssa Milano, so I wasn’t sure if that opinion was valid.

Sara: Toby is dropping Spencer off at school and telling her what he saw with Blind!Jenna and Officer Pedo earlier. She’s worried but Toby fixes it with kisses. I’m back to thinking his face is weird again, by the way.

Lor: I think that just means you need to see his abs soon.

Sweeney: Here, have some abs with a side of adorable:

Sara: YUP. I’m back.

Inside the School for Making Things Worse, Dr. Anne is making things worse by giving an anti-cyberbullying speech to the whole class. Blind!Jenna smirks through the speech, the Liars look super uncomfortable, and Mona is just bored.

Hanna asks Aria why Dr. Anne is doing this, because even she knows this is a terrible idea and will fix nothing. After the girls leave for the day, Hanna tells them that Dr. Anne’s stupid speech will probably only piss off A, but the other Liars are just glad that someone is finally on their side.

Their conversation is interrupted by the clickety clacking of Blind!Jenna leaving the school. Jenna hears Aria’s voice and asks if she was at the assembly. When Spencer answers that they all were, Jenna says that the speech was great and all, but probably too little, too late. Spencer asks what she means, and Jenna clarifies: “It’s just a shame Saint Sullivan wasn’t around when your friend Alison was ruling these halls.” Emily says that it must take one bully to know another and then says this fucking amazing line in the meanest voice Emily has: “Can you please move your stick? There are people trying to get past you.” A+, Em. You deserved that.

Lor: Not as good as the Hanna slap, but I seriously thing that was Emily’s version of a Hanna slap.

Sweeney: Only this show can make it OK to mock a blind girl’s walking stick. It helps that they keep making us go, “Maaaaybe she’s not even blind,” in which case she would be extra horrible.

Sara: And she would extra deserve the verbal slap down from Emily. Win/win!

Hanna is at her dad’s rehearsal dinner and giving Kate the horse books. She apologizes again for the things she said at the stables, and Kate apologizes for the things she said on the phone. They decide to get over their issues and be friends, because they’re family now. I’M SO SURE. Don’t fall for it, Hanna! You know this bitch is still a bitch!

Kate orders them both lemonades and asks Hanna if she wants to see the wedding dress. She brings it out to show Han, and they start writing their toast. When the lemonades are delivered, Kate adds some vodka to hers and asks Hanna if she wants some, too, just to take the edge off before the big speech. Hanna agrees, because alcohol and Hanna are a thing on this show.

Dr. Anne is walking to her car after work when she gets a phone call. When she answers, a recording of herself saying, “And I’m the only person you’ve told about this?” plays on a loop, from her meeting with the Liars earlier in the episode. She hangs up, but her phone rings again and continues to play the recording as we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, a police officer is in Dr. Anne’s office, because she is filing a report, like any smart human in this situation. She asks if there are any other ways that someone could have broken in, but the officer doesn’t think so. He tells her that her only other alternative at this point is to tear down the walls, and Dr. Anne says she’s willing to do that if she has to. Just then, Officer Pedo enternounces that there’s nothing to see in the hall. Dr. Anne tells him that there has to be a bug in her office, and he asks if it could be the patient who recorded it. He tries to weasel the names of the patients out of her, but she says that it’s confidential and she can’t say. He tells her that if she isn’t willing to give him the names, then there’s nothing he can do. That… seems like bullshit, yeah? Nothing? Hokay.

Lor: It’s funny how their shitty police work is now getting a little bit of context, because it’s obviously in Officer Garrett’s best interest to do as little policing as possible. This however does not excuse the other cop standing right there, or like, the rest of the entire damn Rosewood PD. UGH.

Sara: Hanna and Kate are still writing their toast, as Hanna continues pouring vodka into her drink, because Hanna. She checks her phone and Kate compliments her background, because it’s a picture of Wolfy Bad Boy Caleb and wouldn’t you compliment that? Yes. Yes, you would. They girl talk about boys for a second before Kate sees her creepy uncle and orders Hanna to drink quickly so they can avoid him. Hanna downs her drink, but it was just a false alarm since the uncle isn’t coming over to creep on them. Kate stops a waiter to order two more drinks and some coconut shrimp, so you know where this is going.

Sweeney: KATE IS A! THE WAITER TOO!

Sara: Emily is hanging out in the Marin kitchen with Ashley, who is fixing all of the rearranging Grandma Paula has done so far. “Why would you put a spatula in the same drawer as a glue gun?!” Emily asks if it’s weird that her ex-husband is marrying someone new, and Ashley affirms that it is kind of weird. Ashley changes the subject to Emily and asks why she hasn’t seen Samara around lately. Emily tells her that it didn’t work out, but it’s still up in the air. Ashley says that if her ex-husband hadn’t come back into her life, she might never have gotten her questions answered. “When the other person isn’t there, sometimes we tend to make up their side of the conversation. Which really isn’t fair to either one of you.” Before Ashley goes to bed, she thanks Emily for making a rough night a little less rough. God bless you, Ashley Marin, and your heart-to-hearts. I just want to give her a hug, and I hate hugs, so that says something coming from me.

Lor: I love her so much. Watching her kick off her heels, heat up some Lean Cuisine and pour a glass of wine is oddly soothing.

Sara: Montgomery Manse. Shitbag Montgomery asks Piper Mom if her wrist is okay while Aria is sitting in the room. Piper Mom says everything is fine, and Aria looks upset, because her parents are kind of being the worst right now.

Emily is sitting in Rosewood’s Sometimes Diner Sometimes Coffeeshop, waiting for someone. She waves in the opposite direction, and the camera pans over to reveal…. MAYA! You guys! Vampire Bianca Lawson is back from her Stop Being Gay camp!

Lor: I think she looks younger than ever. IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Sara: Toby and Spencer are making out pretty heavily in his Sugar Baby Truck when Toby sees a shadow in the upstairs window of New Jason’s house. He tells Spencer what he saw, and her first reaction is about the fact that he keeps his eyes open while they kiss. When I had my first real kiss way back in the 9th grade, I forgot that you had to close your eyes, too, so I did the creepy staring thing also. I feel you, Toby. He goes on, “I just thought someone was maybe watching us, but never mind, let’s continue macking.” They do just that, but then Spencer sees the shadows of two people in the upstairs window and freaks out, thinking that the NAT club are filming Spoby kisses. First of all, everyone wants to see Spoby kisses and it isn’t fair of you to keep it from the world, Spencer. Second of all, why are you parked in front of New Jason’s house to do your kissing?

Spencer tells Toby that she’s sick of hiding, so she’s going to confront them like Dr. Anne told her to. Toby tries to stop her, but she storms off, on a mission. Right when she gets to the front door, someone is exiting and that someone is Spencer’s Freaking Dad. Shady asshole. She asks him wtf is going on, but her dad tries to ignore her. Toby tries to defend Spence, but Papa Hastings just yells at Toby, too, because he is the meanest person ever. He tells Spencer to go back home, but she gets in the truck with Toby and drives off.

Lor: Um, Papa Hastings does not even need a Toby Edit to look like a fucking creep. RUN, SPENCER. RUN.

Sara: Dr. Anne retrieves a file from her office, and someone in a black hoodie creeps around outside of her office.

Rosewood’s Sometimes Diner Sometimes Coffeeshop. Maya asks Emily if her mom is having them watched, even though she’s all the way in Texas. Emily tells her that her mom has actually changed a lot and has accepted Em for who she is. Maya asks what made Emily call, and Em says that she was in a bad place before but now she wants to try things again. Maya reaches over and grabs her hand, and they have a moment of Feelings.

Montgomery Manse. Aria sees Mike crying in his room and stops in to check on him. He asks if PiperMom is going to be okay, and then asks if he will be okay. Aria hugs him, and I have a teensy tiny little bit of feels.

Sweeney: Ditto. Siblings, man. Siblings. (But only a teensy tiny little bit of feels.)

Sara: Hanna is being adorably drunk in the bathroom with Kate. Kate is showing her a pretty silver dress that she says would look so much better on Hanna. Hanna agrees that it probably would, because girlfriend tells the truth. Hanna looks a little vomity and asks Kate if they can order a pizza or something. Kate says she’ll go find the greasy food and tells Hanna not to fall asleep while she’s gone. The minute Kate leaves, Hanna picks up the pretty silver dress and spins around in circles, which of course, makes her vomit all over Kate’s pretty silver dress. Amateur. Kate comes back inside, sees the damage Hanna’s done, and smirks as she exits. This bitch.

Lor: This was one hell of a plan. She just left the dress in easy vomiting distance and left the rest up the The Great Contrivance Spirit. Nicely done, except this is Hanna, so fuck you.

Sara: Spencer comes home to her dad creepily sitting in the dark, which is something my mom was scary good at when I was in high school. (L: YES. Amazing how many emotions she could wear on her face IN THE MF DARK.) He starts to explain to her why he was over at New Jason’s house – two weeks before Alison was murdered, Grandma DiLaurentis cut Jason out of her will. Alison’s parents begged Papa Hastings to work his lawyer magic and fix it, so that Jason wouldn’t look like he had a motive for killing his sister. And with that, we go into an Aliback.

Grandma Paula is cooking for the girls and telling them stories about her labor, because that’s just what every 15 year old girl wants to hear about. She mentions her two sons, and Alison asks her who her favorite child is. “I don’t have favorites, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t tell you.” Ali asks if she would ever disown any of her children, and Grandma P is on a roll when she answers, “I don’t own anyone. There was a war that took care of that. Read a book.” Alison still doesn’t let up and asks Grandma P what exactly it would take for her to cut someone out of her life – if they were selling a family heirloom for drug money, would that do it? Grandma P agrees that if someone in her family were that crazy, it probably wouldn’t be too difficult to cut them out. Grandma P asks Ali if she’s writing a story or something that has to do with these questions, and Ali responds, “Something like that.” Aliback over.

Spencer realizes that Alison must have gone to Grandma DiLaurentis’ house to get New Jason written out of the will, and that’s why Jason killed her. Oh, we’re still on the New Jason is the murderer train? I didn’t even realize. (L: All aboard…) Papa Hastings tells Spencer to drop it, because he could get in trouble since he tampered with the will. She asks why he would risk his job to help them – “What does the DiLaurentis family have on us?” Papa Hastings refuses to answer, and Spencer looks terrified.

Dr. Anne’s Office of Unresolved Problems. Dr. Anne is looking through the files of all the Liars, in the middle of the night, with the light of one single freaking lamp. Girl, you are being stalked. ALL THE LIGHTS ALWAYS. She suddenly has an epiphany and jumps up to grab another file. We can’t see the name on the file, but we do see some of the notes, including: Overpowering feelings of revenge, anger management, wants to hurt others, refers to adversaries as “nosey bitches”. Dr. Anne says, “Oh my God. I know this person.” Yup, I would recognize horrible misspellings like that, too.

Hanna is trying to clean her vomit out of the silver dress when her dad comes in to check on her, and apparently the dress actually belongs to Isabelle and it’s what she’s wearing at the wedding. WHOOPS. Shitbag Marin sees the dress and his face falls. He goes to yell at Hanna, and Han cries that Kate was drinking, too, and that it was an accident. Shitbag Marin’s response is that Kate isn’t drunk: “Kate is not drunk, Hanna. Kate is poised and alert and just gave a very touching toast alone. I thought we were past all this, but I guess we aren’t, are we?” FUCK YOU, SHITBAG MARIN.

Hanna is completely devastated at this point, but Grandma Paula comes in for the save. “I would have waited and hurled on the bride.” Shitbag Marin tells Hanna she should leave now, because SERIOUSLY, HE IS THE WORST WORST.

Sweeney: HOW DOES HE KEEP MAKING ME HATE HIM MORE?

Sara: IT DOESN’T SEEM SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE, BUT IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

Montgomery Manse. Aria finds her parents in the living room and tells them that Mike has broken into more than just one home. She’s known for a while, but she’s tired of keeping secrets. She gives her mom a knowing look, and Mike enters the room also, ready to talk. Aw. Good for you, Montgomery family.

Rehearsal Dinner of Negligent Parenting. Hanna is trying to find the number for a 24 hour cleaner, but Grandma Paula tells her she’d be better off calling an undertaker since that dress is D-E-A-D dead. Kate walks in, and Grandma P gives her this awesome the-fuck-you-think-you’re-doing look. Kate says she’s just there to bring Hanna ginger ale, and Grandma P wonders if that’s how Kate sobered up so quickly. Before Kate can react, Grandma P grabs her purse and pulls two water bottles out. Turns out, she was pouring vodka into Hanna’s lemonade and water into her own. Hanna tells Kate that once she’s feeling a little less vomity, it. is. on.

Lor: It’s a very honest threat, but not a very threatening one. “Just WAIT until I’m done puking.” Okay, girl. Okay.

Sara: Rosewood’s Sometimes Diner Sometimes Coffeeshop. Maya is asking Emily why she would date someone who tried to drown her, and I’m like OMG YES, THAT’S WHAT I SAID, GIRL. Their talk is interrupted when Emily received a call from Dr. Anne. She tells Emily to get the other girls and meet at her office immediately, because she knows who A is.

When they get there, the office is open and no one is there. Their phones all buzz at the same time with a message from A. “The doctor is out. -A” I would just like to see one time where someone has shitty service, and their text comes in a few seconds after everyone else’s. (L: LOL. A+)

Sweeney: Agreed on that A+ but also can we talk about how upsetting this latest round of Involving An Adult In Any Way Ends Badly is? I needed to take a break after this shit because WTF, SHOW.

Sara: A-nonymous: A is in Dr. Anne’s office, retrieving the bug she had placed UNDER A FUCKING BOBBLEHEAD. NO ONE CHECKED UNDER THE BOBBLEHEAD? SERIOUSLY? Whatever.

Next time: Really creepy dolls show up, and the girls have to save Dr. Anne in Pretty Little Liars S02 E12 – Over My Dead Body.