Previously: A sent the girls missions by way of talking dolls. They all completed their missions, but it didn’t matter much anyways, because they were caught with a shovel that may have been used to kill Ali. Police work in Rosewood is that vague.
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The First Secret
Sweeney: This story begins with a dewy Instagram filter as Alison narrates a ghost story about twin little girls. Hanna cuts her off, telling her that she’s going to traumatize this child and cause her to get fired. LOL, Hanna, you’re a thousand times more responsible than any adult in Rosewood, so don’t worry about it. The kid nods for Ali to continue. One twin murders the other and Ali’s narration voice gets extra #creepyasshit and the story culminates with her stabbing the Jack-O-Lantern, because Ali was batshit crazy.
Lorraine: The thing that bothered me the most about this creepy story was the way those two girls were playing with their Barbies, just shaking them around. That’s when I knew they were evil.
Sweeney: I’m never going to be able to have children, because pretty much everything they do will make me suspicious that they’re secretly evil.
Big Eyes Shh, but Halloween-ified: CGIcorpse!Ali gets her lips painted a much darker shade and there’s blood on the SHHH screen. The credits end with the PLL logo in red on a white wall with bloody handprints. This feels like a little much for ABC Family. Pretty Woman was on ABC Family the other day and they went to commercial right after Julia Roberts refused to kiss Richard Gere in the piano scene. Welcome to America, where implied sex is unfit for the children, but graphic murder stories are totes whatever.
Speaking of terrible, Emily says that Ben is all about her going as “Sexy Cop” but she wants to go as “Indian Girl.” Two things: (1) AREN’T THEY LIKE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMEN? These girls are supposed to be 14 now, right? 15 tops, since Ali’s still alive. So, you know, a giant gag me over the “sexy cop” idea. (2) It’s October 28th! How are they just now finalizing costumes? You all fail at Halloween. Get the fuck out of here.
Sara: RIGHT? All 16-year old girls have their costumes picked out by this point, duh.
Sweeney: I don’t even think I’m doing anything for Halloween and I already have a costume. So yes, OBVIOUSLY COSTUMES ARE PICKED OUT.
A car pulls up containing Noel Kahn and his bros. Ali banters while the other girls stand awkwardly by. Noel tells her to be careful because while he gets her jokes, she might one day meet a guy who doesn’t. ~*OMINOUS*~ He looks back at Aria and asks if she’ll be at his party. She blushes that she didn’t know she was invited, to which Noel Kahn responds that they’re Ali’s friends, so duh. After they ride off, Ali wants the girls to stop being losery nerds freaking out about this, but this is, like THE party so they’re going to freak out anyway.
This is weird. While it has been established that Ali was Queen B and, as such, the primary source of their popularity, it’s also been indicated that all the girls were popular. They were the It-Clique and they all knew it. That was part of why Hanna worked so hard to lose the fat suit weight after Ali died — she wanted to get it back. This scene just felt out of sync with what we’ve established about the girls. But yeah, yeah, we get it: ALI IS THE MEGA BITCH AND THE OTHERS WERE NAIVE INNOCENT LAMBS LED TO THE SLAUGHTER. Got it, show. Got it.
Lor: I had the same feeling. I mean, I guess it stands to reason that the girls came a lot into their own during that year between Ali’s death and when we picked up our story, but I had always assumed they were a littlecooler than this.
Sweeney: Exactly! But this is the bullshit line we’re adopting for this episode, so fine. Whatever.
The girls keep walking and they pass by an abandoned Probably Haunted House. Em say she sees someone in there, and the other girls freak. Ali tells them to chill the fuck out.
Later, Emily gets back to her street and sees Toby and a moving truck. She asks if he’s moving out, but no, it’s his dad’s new family and his future rapist! Weee! Toby is pretty sullen and we learn that his mom died a year and a week before this scene. And his dad is already remarried. That’s also ridiculous. We haven’t even seen Toby’s parents, but given everything I know about Toby’s life, his father is the Shitbaggiest of them all. President of the Shitbag Fraternity. Anyway, Emily asks what Toby’s new sister is like while eyeing a snowglobe. The music takes a horror movie turn as Toby answers, “She gets what she wants.”
With that, we segue over to someone equally known for getting what they want until shit goes tragically awry with blindness/death. Ali is in a Halloween store looking at things when someone in a mask appears behind her and starts suffocating her. It’s just Noel Kahn playing that oh-so-hilarious “I tried to kill you!” trick. Ha! Right. Then they get flirty, as people often do after one briefly suffocates the other. (L: Just ask Paige and Emily!) (S: A+) Ali spots Pre-(not)Blind!Jenna across the store, checking out Halloween costumes. On no planet can this chick pass for 14 or 15 years old. She looks every bit of her 30 years right now. Having to play opposite the youngest actress of the lot certainly isn’t helping matters.
Sara: And her face is still so strange! Put the sunglasses back on!
Sweeney: They have a bitch standoff, though, in which baby Ali holds her own. Jenna is looking at “Lady G” costumes, thinking that because she’s “so new” (accurate reference points, show! This was right around the time “Just Dance” exploded. Good job.) and Ali says that she’ll see her at the party, and while Jenna will know who she is, she expects Jenna to surprise Ali. Alison introduces herself as she walks away, but Jenna already knows who she is.
Once she gets just beyond Jenna she gets an A-style text! “I’m watching you.” She looks around the store and somebody in a big mask appears behind her so she angrily calls this person a freak and leaves.
After a Not Commercial Break she’s talking to Ian and his camera about how pretty she is. She blah blahs about her grandma in Georgia, so we know that Ian knows. Spencer and Melissa come downstairs and they’re actually being sisterly and it’s weird. Melissa is telling Spencer how great her speech is and Spencer concedes that it has to be because of the pressure from her parents. Ali makes a number of weirdly smarmy comments to Melissa that suggest that she knows the future in which Melissa becomes the worst forever. Melissa says Hastings just run shit and she didn’t make the rules. Melissa and Ian will be going as Bonnie & Clyde for Halloween. Spencer chimes in with an awkward, shy, “COOL.”
Lor: It took me a bit to connect all that was happening here, but Ali’s got her eye on Creepy Ian and he’s with Melissa, which explains that mega-bitchiness she’s exuding in this scene. It’s super disgusting because Ali is fourteen.
Sweeney: Just your friendly reminder from The Snark Squad about how horrifyingly inappropriate everything on this show is! It’s worth noting, again, the actor ages, as Ali is actually being played by a minor, while Ian is also being played by someone closer to 30.
At Hollis, Aria is in her dad’s office and CENTER STAGE (Meredith) is lying on his couch reading a book. CS informs Aria that Papa Cheater is in a meeting, but he returns as soon as Aria starts writing him a note, and suggests that they go get coffee, which Aria declines because her mother (YOU KNOW, THE ONE YOU’RE CHEATING ON) wants her home for dinner. Center Stage makes an awkward exit and Papa Cheater tells Aria that students are always crashing in his office. Is he sleeping with all of them? (L: Ew.)
Later, Hanna is watching a scary movie and it’s cute because of course Hanna is losing her shit and afraid of the phone when it rings and stuff. She’s precious.
She does answer the phone, though, and nobody’s there. It rings again and it’s Ali asking if she was at the costume shop earlier and sent her a text, the answer is, of course, no. She’s got to go, though, because the doorbell rings.
Sara: Ali was getting secret messages, too! That makes this whole story so much more exciting all of a sudden.
Sweeney: Indeed! It’s a fun new twist.
Downstairs, a very drunk Mama Marin has been escorted home by Detective Wilden. Gross. (L: Officer Wilden at this point! Mostly, though, GROSS.) Hanna’s face says “gross” too. Inside we learn that Shitbag Marin has just left, and Mama Marin feels bad for not seeing this coming. She lies down on the couch and Hanna pulls a blanket over her before reminding her that the other woman is hideous and has a big ass. These two are so precious and I love them and I hate that they keep getting fucked with.
At school the next day Aria and Hanna are chatting with Emily about Ben telling everyone that they had sex last week. Emily stops Aria from trying to pick a fight with the table of athletes because she’s a kewpie doll and also because the rumor is truuuuue. She doesn’t actually outright say that, so much as silently imply it. We get more familiar faces in their Aliback context when Mona (in glasses and pigtails! like an ugly girl!) tries to sit with them and is shooed off to a loser table with losery Lucas by bitch face Ali. Is the show trying to make us glad Ali’s dead? Is that what they’re going for here?
Lor: I don’t know, but I don’t know if I could handle this bitch on a weekly basis so… YAY!
Sweeney: Anyway, Spencer joins the table and they continue to gush about Emily’s lost virginity, but she’s really awkward and not wanting to talk about it, probably because she’s already starting to realize that she’s a lesbian and OMG I just got all the Emily feels because I’m slow and it just now occurred to me that she probably slept with Ben to convince herself she’s not. That’s the saddest thing ever. Hanna, meanwhile, is being snarky and slightly feelings oblivious, saying that she can’t believe Emily lost her virginity first, since she assumed she was kind of a prude. Hanna got way better at feelings after Ali died. Bitchface, for her part, adds, “Shy in the streets, sexy in the sheets. I knew there was something different about you,” because she probably knows already and is an awful person.
Sweeney: Later that day we segue to the beginning of an Aliback we’ve already seen – Ali and Aria running away from Mona and calling her a dork, only to round the corner and spot Papa Cheater in his car, doing his cheating with Center Stage.
Later that day we cut to Ali in her room writing in what I assume is her diary and New Jason barges in. I meant to say this when New Jason first showed up, but it’s more appropriate to point it out now that he an Ali are in a scene together: these two really do look related. It was a major casting upgrade. Anyway, they’re being their creepgusting weird selves. (L: LOL. Excellent creepy word.) Ali pays him $20 to learn his secrets and chip into their beer pool. He confesses that they’re making a movie, but won’t say what kind. Ew. He’s there because there was a package for her on the porch. She waits until he leaves to open it and inside we see a creepsturbing straw doll with a note pinned to its head.
She goes to her vent, which she unscrews and I get feels for my favorite fictional murdered blonde high school It Girl, Lily Kane. Sara pointed this out earlier, but being a Snow, I wasn’t yet aware of the extent of it, but the Lily/Ali parallels are remarkable. Except that Lily is superior in every way. Ali pulls out the box that New Jason recently gave Aria and removes the doll we saw Aria playing with. The doll has a hiding place in the back of its head, from which she removes a locket — which we also saw Aria inspect — and she replaces it with this note. That seems like a super strange thing to do with this threatening note. What is even the point of that?
Lor: Um… SECRETS. Yeah.
Sweeney: Marin Manor. Hanna enters the kitchen and WHY do they have her wearing short sleeves with her fat suit? Her scrawny little arms do not make sense with her stupid fat suit. Poor Ashley Marin is looking for work in the Classifieds. She’s interrupted by the arrival of creepy Detective Wilden who wants to make sure she knows how AVAILABLE he is, but with a side of creepssaulting warning that she should, “watch herself on the roads,” after she politely indicates that she’s not looking for a relationship right now. After he leaves, she tells Hanna that it was just a horny cop who now gets the picture and won’t be seen ever again. SEE, BECAUSE WE HAVE. GET IT, GUYS? GET IT?
Spencer is sewing when Ali comes over, though Spencer was expecting Aria to be with her. Ali says Aria wasn’t feeling well after they stopped for yogurt, leaving off that it was watching parental cheating that made her gaggy. Ali says that she’s got a friend on the election committee and it sounds like Spencer might lose. Spencer freaks out about how important this is to her parents, and Ali takes this opportunity to sidebar that Melissa is an awful bitch. I’m not Ali’s biggest fan either, but LISTEN TO ALI, SPENCER. Ali says that Melissa’s big sister routine is an act and priority #1 is making sure the Hastings parents love her most of all. As we already know, she’s succeeding in that objective. Spencer starts to cry about what will happen if she loses and Ali says that if she really wants this, Ali can make it happen. Spencer continues to tear up as she says that she doesn’t want it, she needs it.
Sara: Oh, Spencer. All the feels.
Sweeney: Montgomery Manse. Aria returns home to Papa Cheater saying that he was calling her all afternoon. PiperMom and Mike are out, and Papa Cheater assures her that she saw the end of something, not the beginning. Papa Cheater promises that Center Stage is transferring out of his class and they have the big conversation where he begs her not to tell and lays on the guilt pretty thick. I hate him. We have seen him making half-assed attempts at parenting lately, so I was starting to forget, but this shit is awful. He’s a selfish prick and it makes Aria’s self-centered nonsense make a lot more sense to me.
Sweeney: The next day Ali is offering to set Emily up with a doctor who will get her on the pill without involving her parents. Emily confesses that she and Ben didn’t actually have sex, but she doesn’t care that he Ben lied because they’ll have sex eventually and people can think it now or later and it doesn’t matter which. That still gives me feels for Em, but is considerably less sad than what I thought earlier. She asks Ali to keep this between them because she doesn’t want to keep having that conversation.
At school, the girls are in the halls and Spencer is freaking out, but Ali assures her that she took care of it. Spencer glares at her and Ali says the thing she took care of was helping Spencer with her acceptance speech. Aria walks up wearing an impossibly stupid hat and Ali asks how her mom is doing, and Aria gives her death glare, so she drops it.
Sara: If this is how Alison treats her friends, no wonder her enemies wanted to kill her. Sorry for ya, girl.
Sweeney: Speaking of dropping things, Lucas runs into Ali and spills all over her, sending her into MEGA BITCH mode, taunting him and officially kicking off the Hermie the Hermaphrodite bullshit. Mona stands on the side watching. Once the girls walk off, Lucas says to Mona that one day Ali will get what’s coming to her. HEY, DO YOU GET THAT EVERYONE ALI EVER INTERACTED WITH IS A SUSPECT? DO YOU REALLY GET IT? ARE YOU SURE YOU GET IT?
Later an announcement is made, randomly, during passing period or some shit, that Spencer won the election. I guess the fact that they never go to real classes means that they can’t do this during homeroom or something like that like a real school. And it’s just Spencer’s win that’s announced…not, you know, results of elections for any of the positions in any of the upperclassmen races. OK, show. OK.
Lor: I’m of the opinion that Rosewood High probably just randomly announces that Spencer wins throughout the day. Maybe on some sort of bi-weekly basis there is just a random, “Spencer Hastings is winning,” announcement. Yeah.
Sweeney: Headcanon accepted.
That evening we see kids running in the streets in costumes. At Spencer’s house the girls are all getting ready when Aria shows up to say she’s not going. Ali asks what this is about and she and Aria exchange another round of death glares. Ali is such an awful bitch. On a lighter note, though, Spencer is in a period costume of some sort that involves a corset and she looks super pretty.
Sara: I laughed for a solid ten minutes straight about Spencer’s costume. All the other kids are dressed in skin-baring recent pop culture costumes, and then you have Spencer, being amazing.
Sweeney: Super Pretty isn’t how I would describe her actual costume when she’s in the full thing, but it’s equal parts giggle-worthy and fucking awesome.
Spencer looks out the window and sees someone in a mask watching them, the girls go to the window and he walks off. The doorbell rings and it’s the pizza guy. Spencer doesn’t want to go alone, so Emily and Hanna join her. Hanna joins because she’s SO HUNGRY because bad fat suits are exhausting to wear. Ali then gets her megabitch on with Aria. I feel like all of these Aria/Ali scenes are designed to make us feel bad for Aria and I hate to admit that it’s working because WTF, ALI?
Ali tells Aria that she’s been an energy sucker ever since she saw Papa Cheater. Stupid bitch. Ali then guilts Aria about the party. When that doesn’t work, she adds a dig about Noel Kahn not even knowing who she was a week ago. Since Aria’s still not changing her mind about the party, Ali outbitches herself by reminding Aria that she didn’t tell the other girls what happened and asking if she’s sure nobody else saw because it would suck if somebody else told PiperMom. Since all of the other Ali interactions have been designed to show us that everyone is a suspect, I’m going to take this time to remind everyone that Aria has long been the PLL on our A/Ali’s killer suspect list. As shitty as Ali was to Aria, it doesn’t make sense that A would go so easy on her. ARIA IS A.
Sara: Fingers crossed! Fingers crossed!
Sweeney: At the party, Noel Kahn is a gynecologist. Ew. Spencer’s costume awesomely turns out to be Mary, Queen of Scots, and she nerds out as she explains this to Noel Kahn who gives no fucks.
Sweeney: There’s a reason Spencer is our favorite.
Just Dance starts playing and Noel Kahn walks off. Ali’s excited about the song until they spot Noel walking over to someone in a much more revealing Gaga costume. None other than Pre-(not)Blind!Jenna, of course. Ali’s pissed.
Lor: Jenna’s totally doing Gaga better, I think. Mostly because I equate Gaga with a certain amount of weird that Jenna’s face naturally possesses.
Sara: Oh, so much better! It really surprised me that Alison didn’t choose a more revealing outfit.
Sweeney: Agreed! Sorry not sorry, Ali. Jenna kicked your ass on this one.
After a Not Commercial Break, Ali is approached by Mona in a catwoman costume. Ali asks if she knows her, and Mona says she doesn’t, but she will. Ali goes up to Jenna, who feigns being impressed that Ali can make people ask “how high?” when she says “jump.” Ali says that she can make it really easy for Jenna to fit in there because everyone will accept her if Ali tells them to, adding that they can make room for one more in their tight group. Jenna gives her a thanks-but-no-thanks and walks off.
Jenna runs into Mona who says that she’s definitely the better Gaga. Jenna says she better not tell Ali that, and they become insta-bffles when Mona says that Ali doesn’t scare her. Jenna, I can’t really pity your run-in with the school’s mean girl when I know that you go on to be a rapist.
Lor: Agreed, though all of this character interaction is interesting and it’s making me favor Mona as a big, fat A. Look at her threatening people and aligning herself with those who already come with a creepy soundtrack!
Sara: Damn it, Sweeney, I’d almost forgotten the rapey thing and was kind of liking Jenna this episode.
Sweeney: The Snark Squad: Destroying Things You Like By Identifying Rapists.
Ali and Spencer chat. Ali calls Jenna a slut and gives Spencer the ballots she stole. We know because they say BALLOT in big letters. Spencer quickly throws them into a conveniently nearby fire. Ali’s surprised Spencer didn’t look at them first, adding, “You’d be surprised to know who your friends aren’t.”
Hanna and Aria are wandering into some sort of woodsy maze directing people to drinks. Aria and her 32-year-old soul tell Hanna that they have to do this because Noel is, “not just a normal person — he’s Noel Kahn.” OK, Aria. OK.
Back at the party, Emily is dancing with Ben, but we see Emily making eyes at Jenna who is dancing by herself. Ali also spots this and whispers in Emily’s ear that she was “wishing she could taste her cherry chapstick” but her secret is safe with her.
Sweeney: Later we see Emily sitting alone being sad. She is joined by Hanna and Aria. Spencer walks up saying that she used to think she was born in the wrong century until she tried to go to the bathroom in that costume. Cute. But also, Spencer Hastings, you’re a getting-shit-done feminist BAMF; you belong here in this century, thanks.
AND THEN! The girls get a simultaneous group text! (Still no service delay, though.) It’s from Ali, who says she’s in trouble and asks them to come alone. They check the address again and it turns out to be the Probably Haunted House from before. They hesitate, saying it’s a joke and she’s not really in there, but Emily leads the way and in the house they go.
Inside, they call out to Ali that this isn’t funny any more. Lots of spooky noises and shadowy figures as the girls continue creeping about looking for her. Emily leads them up the stairs and we see the masked stalker from earlier watch them go up there. Upstairs there’s more poking in rooms and screaming at things that turn out to be nothing. At the end of the hall they reach a locked door and there is clearly someone walking on the other side of the door.
Ali opens the door and asks if they’ve seen him as she ushers the girls inside and locks it again. Ali explains that this guy grabbed her at the party and she tried to scream, but he had a knife. He claims to have brought her there to kill her. She managed to get away to hide up there. Hanna immediately goes to the logical step of calling the police, though she has no reception because contrivance allowed Ali to send that one mass text, but no other communication can get through. Ali says she’s sure it’s the guy who watched them earlier, and then adds that she called them (instead of the police…) from the hallway, so she’s going to do the stupid thing and go back to the hallway alone to call the cops. Why can’t anyone join her? This is stupid.
They lock the door as soon as Ali leaves and then we hear her scream. They try to go help her, but the door is now jammed. We see that a stick has been placed between the handles of the two doors. The girls watch through the keyhole as Ali fights with the knife-wielding mask dude. She knees him in the crotch and runs off. Then he sits back up, peering at the girls through the keyhole.
The suspense isn’t really there, given that this is a flashback and we know everyone lives past this moment and also given that all of the choices being made make no sense.
Lor: Agreed, but that stupid demonic Gerber baby mask is not fun to look at.
Sara: IT FREAKS ME OUT.
Sweeney: After a Not Commercial Break, the girls are climbing out the window and going back inside the house for Ali. Inside they see Ali sitting on a rocking chair with a big knife. She laughs at them because she totally got them — the zombie was Noel. She adds that this means they passed the test by charging in there after her; now she knows she can count on them when she really needs them. ALI IS A SOCIOPATH. FUCK IT: I KILLED ALI.
Lor: I HATE HER SO MUCH. CAN I KILL HER TOO? Those poor Liars.
Sara: CAN WE ALL LINE UP IN A SINGLE FILE LINE AND EACH TAKE A TURN?
Sweeney: Back at the party the girls feel like they’ve returned to a different party and not just because of their recent trauma; the guests are now actually older and include the evil Melissa. Noel, it turns out, has an older brother named Eric. Ali spots Ian being a creep and filming things. The other four spot Detective Wilden chatting with underaged half-naked Jenna, because Rosewood.
A masked dude calls Ali a bitch and runs off. We later see that it’s Lucas. Noel Kahn comes up to Ali apologizing and we learn that it wasn’t Noel back in the Probably Haunted House. With that, Ali receives the first official A text:
The other girls don’t see the text, though. Ali tells them that it’s a secret and then looks around the party, where we see lots of other guys in the creepy white faced mask. The camera cuts to one who closes a flip phone (FLIP PHONES WERE SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC!) and removes his mask, but the camera follows the mask, so we don’t see who it is. The end.
Lor: I’m not gonna lie, this was stupidly fantastic. I thought I was getting over hating mostly everyone and suspecting mostly everyone BUT NO. I’M NOT GETTING OVER IT. At the end of it all, I’m left thinking Mona and Lucas in present time are bigger players than we previously suspected.
Sara: I love this episode. The spooky Halloween feel was great, I actually jumped a few times, and we got lots and lots of backstory. For a show that seems to move really slowly sometimes, it’s exciting to get so much information at once. And any episode that has Sasha Pieterse in it for the whole 44 minutes is going to be great. I might hate Alison, but SP acts the shit out of that horrible character.
Sweeney: I have a weird stupid grudge against SP, but I agree with you in spite of my deep desire not too. I’m also totally with Lor — the episode was impossibly stupid in places, but I love that they hammed it up for Halloween. Halloween is tied with Christmas as my favorite holiday, so I’m totally on board with that. More importantly, for the sake of the show, this full-length Aliback was perfectly timed. It was a good way to remind us that everyone is a suspect after weeks of zeroing in on specific people, particularly the last episode that ended with a major “IT’S JENNA AND GARRET” reveal. Additionally this creepy, murdery episode in which Ali is being stalked is, oddly enough, also kind of a reprieve from weeks of A’s harassment going to a too-much-to-take place.
The very fact that I was able to write a full paragraph of thoughts at the end of a PLL episode automatically makes this a stand-out episode.
Next time: A month after the girls were arrested, things are not going well between them in Pretty Little Liars S02 E14 – Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
