Previously: An entire flashback Halloween episode! It was magical!
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Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares
Sara: Little girls are jumping rope, which is always creepy, but this time it’s even creepier because they’re singing a song while they play: “Pretty Little Liars, all by yourself. Sneak to the park, dig in the dark, telling little lies to make their mark.” Ugh, children singing is always the worst. If I ever have children, I will not allow them to creepy sing in groups like that.
Lorraine: Oh, gosh, definitely not. They will also not be allowed to swing on swing sets really slowly or ask anyone if they are his or her mommy. Gotta set ground rules, you know?
Sweeney: Our fear of having creepy children is sort of a sub-theme for this week in Rosewood.
Sara: With a One Month Later card, we cut to the Liars, in orange jumpsuits, picking up trash on the side of the road. We get some wonderfully awkward exposition from one of the other jumpsuit girls, who is bitching loudly to her friend about not having a rich mommy lawyer who can get community service for a “tampering with evidence” charge. The other girl responds that she thought the girls were arrested for murder, but Original Orange tells her that the police think the Liars murdered Ali, but they can’t prove it. This is a lot of information about juvenile records for some rando to know about. Maybe she’s been watching the show, too!
Sweeney: Pointless sidebar: I did community theater with Original Orange! I have not seen her since I was 14, so it’s a stretch to say I know her, but I saw her almost every Sunday for 5 years, so I definitely knew her. We’ve worn far less flattering costumes than this one, too.
Sara: Emily interrupts the conversation to tell Original Orange that they didn’t do anything, and Spencer tells Em not to waste her breath. Emily snaps back at Spencer that she’ll talk to anyone she wants to, and asks if Spencer is planning on stopping her. Aria asks them both to shut the fuck up, so she can finish her community service in peace.
Emily turns back to Spencer and asks if she’s thought more about going along with Em’s plan, but Spencer says it’s a bad idea, because you can’t make a deal with a rattlesnake. Emily disagrees and insists that you can, if you have something the rattlesnake wants. Spencer finally breaks it down: “Listen, we’re not going to be making any kind of a deal with A. And that’s final.” Emily gets pissy at that and tells her that she can speak for herself, because the rest of the Liars don’t have a rich mommy lawyer to get them out of shit. Emily figures that the minute they’re all arrested for killing Ali, MariskaMom will throw the other Liars under the bus to save her daughter. At that, Spencer throws her bag of trash on Emily, and I don’t know wtf was in that trash bag, but there is some really nasty gooey substance that ends up on Emily’s jumpsuit, and it is the grossest.
Lor: It looks like Spencer was picking up bird poo.
Sara: Spencer turns to walk away, but Emily runs after her, and they start fighting Bad Girls Club style. Two security officers grab the girls to stop the fight, and Spencer’s doing this great HOLD ME BACK thing, because she’s trying to get to Em and continue the fight. Everyone is still yelling as we pan away and see Officer PedoGarrett watching them from his cop car across the street.
Lor: I’m pretty much super not okay about everything that just happened, from children singing together to Garrett and his pedo-stare. WHAT IS THIS?
Sweeney: Rosewood.
Sara: SHHHHH.
Marin Manor. Ashley (Mama Marin) and Hanna are getting breakfast in the kitchen when Ashley asks Hanna to please be nice to Emily. Hanna insists that she’s not being mean to her, but Ashley says that when Hanna and Em are in the same room lately, the smoke detectors are going off. Ashley reminds Hanna that if Emily’s parents had taken her to Texas, the plea deal might have fallen through and all of the girls could be in jail still. For finding a shovel. Okay.
Lor: Shovels can kill people or bury people sometimes and, um, there was a person both killed and buried. SEE? EVIDENCE.
Sara: Hanna changes the subject to ask if Ashley has spoken to Hanna’s dad since the wedding Hanna “ruined.” I say ruined lightly because girlfriend only told the truth, and IMO Isabelle deserved to know that truth. Yeah, Hanna probably did it at the worst possible time, but still. This is Shitbag Marin’s fault, not Hanna’s. Ashley tells her that Shitbag Marin and Isabelle are both still angry and don’t understand why Hanna did what she did. Then they do some more clunky expositing about how Hanna stopped the wedding, but not the marriage since Shitbag and Isabelle just went to a courthouse and finished the thing.
Emily walks in and says good morning, and Hanna makes a quick escape to avoid her. Ashley tries to talk to Em about finishing community service, but Emily says that she and Spencer got two more weeks added on for their fight. Ashley hopes that after the community service is over, the girls can get back to normal. She’s trying so hard right now to get the girls to make up, and it is the sweetest thing. I call dibs on Ashley Marin being my mom in our fictional Which PLL Are You? world! This conversation is interrupted when a fax comes in for Emily. LOLOL. OKAY.
Lor: Maybe her beeper was in the other room.
Sara: Aria and Mike are walking to school together and talking about Mike’s therapy and how it’s helping a lot. It’s sweet to see a healthy sibling relationship finally! And then, of course, they run right into Ezra. Aria and Ezra proceed to have this really weird conversation that is all about books, but they might as well be saying, “We are definitely together and trying to hide it from Mike right now, which is making it a million times more obvious.” Just… weird.
Aria sends Mike away to throw her coffee cup in the trash, so Ezria can have a conversation in which their faces are very close together. Aria quickly tells Ezra it’s killing her that her mom thinks Ezra and Spencer are a thing. She assures him that Piper Mom isn’t telling anyone, and this makes me have lots of rage. As a part of the administration at Rosewood High, it is LEGALLY REQUIRED for Piper Mom to tell someone at the school about Ezra and Spencer (since that’s what she thinks is happening). She loses lots and lots of Mom Points for not telling either the school or Spencer’s parents about this illegal, immoral relationship. Mike watches this conversation from a few feet away and looks suspicious, because even Blind!Jenna ain’t that blind, y’all.
Lor: Furthermore, as someone who has had a secret of this magnitude kept from her, Piper Mom should absolutely know better. Mostly, I want Ezra in trouble.
Sweeney: Mega emphasis on wanting Ezra in trouble, because Piper Mom doesn’t really have too many mom points with me in the first place.
Sara: Officer Pedo Garrett is at the School for Adults Stalking and Dating Teenagers and Sometimes an English Class when Spencer spots him and comes over to sarcastically ask if he’s back for more Drivers Ed class, but he says he was just there to meet Blind!Jenna. Spencer says that they make a very interesting couple, but she liked it better when they kept it a secret. He says they plan on telling everyone when the timing is right, and Spencer replies, “Timing is everything,” and starts to walk away.
Sweeney: I thought they implied that they already had told everyone? This is significant, because he is a fucking adult police officer who is not only dating a high school student but a fucking blind one, which would reek of gross pervert taking advantage of a handicapped teenager if they lived anywhere but Rosewood.
Sara: I guess Rosewood is such a terrible place that a little statutory rape isn’t a big deal there? Yeah, no.
Garrett stops her to ask wtf that’s supposed to mean, and Spencer just continues saying creepy phrases that don’t seem to mean anything, and Garrett continues to be like, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,” and it is so hilarious and wonderful. I want to do this to people in real life. Sit down on a bench next to a stranger, whisper, “The wolf howls at midnight,” and walk briskly away. Terrifying.
Lor: This is such an amazing scene and that idea is fantastic. I want to answer everyone who comes into HR with creepy phrases that way. “Hey, can I ask you something about my benefits?” “Questions have a way of surprising you in the end.”
BAM. Spencered.
Sweeney: SPENCERED. Holy shit I’m so sad we didn’t have this idea at our disposal in Dallas. Or maybe relieved because we would have employed it at really inappropriate times? Not sure.
Sara: Emily presents the swim coach with her clean bill of health and says that she can be back at swim practice tomorrow. The swim coach says, “Sure, sure, we’ll see,” and she obviously means YEAH, NO. Swim Bitch says that Em has to be part of a team and with the whole “arrested for digging in the woods” thing, it doesn’t look like Emily is quite ready for that. Em looks heartbroken, because nothing can ever, ever go right for poor, boring Emily.
Rosewood English Class Where HEY LOOK, IT’S A CLASSROOM. Spencer is turning in an extra credit report to Piper Mom, and Piper is sending off some seriously cold vibes towards Spencer, and FUCK YOU, PIPER. She’s not going to tell the school administration, and she’s not going to tell Spencer’s parents, but she will be rude to a 16-year old girl who she believes is getting statutorily raped by a former teacher. Fuck that.
Lor: This is the place where she should AT LEAST be putting a hand on her shoulder and saying, “if there is ANYTHING you want to talk about…” etc.
Sweeney: YES. Such a valid point and another reason Piper Mom fucking sucks right now.
Sara: As Spencer leaves, she runs into Emily and papers go flying. Emily knocks Spencer’s books out of her hands also, and Piper Mom yells at them to cut it out. Shut up, Piper. When the girls are picking up their things, they trade books without even looking at each other. As the girls get ready for class, Emily gets a text from A:
Emily walks to the front of the room, where a phrase on the chalkboard reads, “To be able to say yes to life,” and she circles the word YES and sits back down.
Lor: And everyone now thinks Emily is strange and boring.
Sara: Aria and Hanna are walking down the hall, talking about how Aria broke up with Ezra and WAIT, WHAT? OMG SHE DID IT. And by she, I am not even talking about Aria. I’m talking about the Goddess Jackie, she who made our dreams come true! Our hero! Our queen! Hanna is like, “Ugh, Jackie, what did he ever see in her anyways?” and Aria is like, “RIGHT? She’s so old.” They link arms and walk right past Emily, with an ugly look.
When Em gets to her locker, she pulls out the book she switched with Spencer, which is The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers. (So do we think Ali would be considered Singer?) She pulls a note out of the book that says “10 Tonight,” puts it back in the pages, and leaves it in her locker.
Hanna is at the School for Sometimes We Have Class, When We Need to See Supporting Characters, when Lucas runs up to give her a full report on what he’s found out about the project she gave him: He found another picture posted online of Hanna in her orange jumpsuit. Apparently she’s enlisted Lucas to destroy all evidence of her community service.
Lor: Lucas was really weird about whatever he already had pulled up on his screen so I of course, went back, paused and squinted like any super professional blogger would. It was an “online sportsbook.” Well. That seems like a wasted squint.
Sweeney: Same! Lots of squinting involved and I ultimately just felt like I wasted 20 seconds of my life.
Sara: Ezra and Cheatery Shitbag Montgomery are at Rosewood College of Pottery, discussing English lessons and Aria, because having two grown men discuss a 16-year old girl like she’s 9 years old isn’t weird at all. Ezra says that he knows Aria well enough to know that she would never do anything to hurt her parents. RED FLAG ALERT. Why the fuck would your daughter’s one-semester English teacher know her that well? Anyways, Shitbag Montgomery says that Ezra should come over for that dinner they never had and that scotch they never drank, and Ezra agrees. What a creep.
Sugar Baby Truck. Toby is parked outside of Spencer’s house because she hasn’t been returning his calls, and he was afraid to call her house. Spencer tells him that it’s only her in the house, since Melissa and the parentals went to a different hospital for tests to make sure the Demon Spawn is okay. Toby asks about her community service, and she tells him about the extra two week sentence thanks to getting in that fight with Em. He questions her about it.
Toby wants to get back together with Spencer, but she pulls the Air Bud trick on him and tells him to GO! GO AND NEVER THINK OF ME AGAIN! (That scene in Air Bud kills me every time.) (L: A+) She tells Toby that instead of worrying about her, he should be worrying about his sister and that cop boyfriend of hers. He gets back in his truck and takes off, and he didn’t even leave Spencer her rocking chair! Bad form.
Greenhouse of Secrets. Emily quietly slips in the Greenhouse of Secrets, and a few seconds later, the other three Liars show up as well. Emily hands Aria her phone, and Aria reads aloud, “You were always my favorite. Want to make a deal? – A.” Emily says, “A took the bait,” and the girls smile at each other as we fade to black.
Lor: OH MY GOSH! THIS EPISODE TOTALLY HAD ME. I thought the Liars were really fighting. High five episode.
Sweeney: Again, same! I’m so impressed with you right now, show! You’re doing good shit. Keep it up!
Sara: The girls do some expositing about what exactly is going on: The Liars don’t actually have any evidence, but they want A to believe that they found something in the box Jason gave Aria. By pretending to fight and talking about the evidence in public, they’ve tricked A into being nervous about what exactly the girls do have. Now that A has been duped, they have an opportunity for Emily to meet with A and find out exactly who s/he is. The other three Liars plan on waiting outside of the meeting spot, to make sure everything goes smoothly. They’ve decided that they have to handle this themselves, since every time they involve another person, that person becomes collateral damage.
Hanna asks why A would meet with Emily, and Emily tells her, “It’s because I’m the weakest link. And the weakest link wants some payback.” EMILY JUST GOT SO COOL, YOU GUYS.
Toby tracks Emily down in school and tries to get her to give him some information about Spencer. Emily tells him that she can’t help him. The only reason I mention this scene is because they spend the entire time staring right at Garrett who is literally five feet away from them, and he just stares back.
Lor: I told you: pedo-stare.
Sara: Rosewood College of Pottery and Pedophilia. Aria is leaving a note on Ezra’s desk, but Queen Jackie shows up behind her and asks wtf she thinks she’s doing. Aria tells her that they broke up, just like Jackie said, and she’s just returning Ezra’s book. Queen Jackie snatches the note out of her hand and says that she’ll gladly show Papa Montgomery the note. Just then, Ezra walks in and sees the girls and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Aria and Ezra are alone in his office, and she’s telling him all about the threats Queen Jackie gave her. Ezra seems more relieved than worried, because now he’s just ecstatic that his 16-year old girlfriend really, really likes him! And then Aria has this great line: “Before Jackie, I don’t think I understood how dangerous it was, what we were doing.”
HUH? YOU DIDN’T…? YOU NEVER…? THIS IS SO STUPID. THESE TWO HAVE HAD MANY CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES THEY COULD FACE BECAUSE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. THAT’S LITERALLY ALL THEY TALK ABOUT.
Lor: THE VERY IDEA THAT ARIA DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ACTIONS MAKES ME HATE THIS RELATIONSHIP EVEN MORE, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HATE, HATE, HATE EZRA.
Sweeney: IT DOESN’T GET MORE RAGEY THAN THAT BUT I NEED TO SHOUT A LITTLE TOO.
But seriously, I want to say that I direct all of that rage to Pedzrafitz. I get what you’re saying about Aria having had these conversations several times, but she’s 16 years old. Being a little slow on the uptake in the consequences department comes with the territory. Ezra Fucking Fitz, however, is a piece of shit pedophile who has known all along that he was playing with fire by dating his infant girlfriend and this reminder of Aria’s emotional immaturity only emphasizes what a big fucking creep he is. HE’S THE WORST FOREVER AND EVER.
Sara: Ezra says that he should have told Piper Mom the truth about them at the police station. Yeah, I don’t really think that that kind of information would be great to share right after her daughter got arrested for digging in the woods. But sure. Ezra asks Aria if she trusts him; if she does, there’s something they need to do. If a guy asks you if you trust him, he’s either about to kill you or he’s Aladdin. (L: A+)
Swim Meet. Aria, Hanna, and Spencer meet in the hallway right before the swim meet ends. Emily comes out to fake confront them. She demands that Spencer give her the box from New Jason. Spencer tells her that it’s hidden, and Emily vows to find it. As Emily walks off, she gets a text: “See you tonight, BFF! – A”
Before we start this next paragraph:
Okay. We’re at the Montgomery house, and Ezra is standing in the living room, addressing PiperMom and Shitbag Montgomery, while Aria sits in a chair to the side. He starts off with, “I… we have something to tell you.” Which is seriously not a good way to start this conversation off. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A WE. YOU ARE AN ADULT AND ARIA IS A CHILD AND THERE IS NO WE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
Ahem. After a long pause, he comes right out with it: “I’m in love with your daughter.” Montgomery parents:
He goes on, “I love Aria.” Shitbag Montgomery’s mouth has literally dropped open, and PiperMom reaches over to grab his arm, probably to keep her arm from flying off of her body and across the room to beat EzraFitz to a bloody pulp.
Lor: I swear, Holly Marie Combs’s arm deserves an award. She reaches over and you can hear her whole arm calling out to Jesus for strength.
Sara: There’s another very long pause before Aria goes to stand next to Ezra and tells her parents that they met before school started this year and that she loves him.
Sweeney: None of this should be happening at all, but this is a great moment that sums up so many of my feelings about the whole Ezria relationship:
Sara: Ezra tries to continue talking about what he thinks should happen now, WHICH IS SUCH BULLSHIT OMG IF I WAS PIPER, I WOULD DESTROY HIS SOUL BECAUSE HE IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR FUCK HIM. Papa Montgomery, who is being less of a shitbag right now, tells Ezra to GTFO right this second, but Ezra doesn’t make a move to leave because he is the worst fucking person ever. Papa Montgomery gets up in Ezra’s face, but just then, Mike gets in between them and straight PUNCHES EZRA IN THE FACE. YES. YES. YES. Michael Montgomery, you are my hero! King Mike!
Lor: I take back what I said about you when I thought you didn’t like pancakes! YOU CAN HATE ALL THE PANCAKES!
Sweeney: IN THAT MOMENT MIKE WENT INTO THE RUNNING FOR MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. As “defining moments” go for characters, punching Pedzrafitz is possibly the single greatest thing we’ve seen yet. Here, lets watch it again:
That’s a little too fast. Let’s watch it in slow motion.
GIF STARING FOR DAYS.
Sara: THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF ALL TIME. Thank you, Sweeney, for that GIF gift.
Ezra looks at Aria, like, “Did I do something wrong?” and it’s like I keep thinking that I can’t hate him any more, but then I do. Impressive. Aria says that he should probably leave, so he does as we fade to commercial.
After the Not Commercial Break, Piper is telling Papa Montgomery how she thought Ezra was dating Spencer, not Aria. Papa Montgomery says it was pretty shitty of Ezra to lie to her face at the police station, but Piper says that maybe she didn’t give him a chance to tell her the truth. Byron says it isn’t about telling the truth, it’s about what he did. I really don’t like Papa Montgomery, but YUP. Byron goes on that Ezra is finished, and when Piper doesn’t agree with enough enthusiasm, he wonders why. She says that this all started when they moved back to town and maybe it has something to do with all the Childhood Trauma Aria was dealing with at the time. She tells him that she’s just trying to understand why Aria would date her teacher.
I’m going to take a moment to say that as annoyed as I am with Aria, THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. She is 16 years old. Yes, she is making very poor choices, but I think the parents should be more concerned about why a grown man is trying to get with their daughter than why their daughter responded to a grown man in a position of authority who was putting the moves on her. Papa Montgomery agrees with me and says that it was Ezra’s responsibility to make it stop. (L: I agree with you both!)
Sweeney: I agree with you. The responsibility lies exclusively with Ezra. However, I also can’t fault Piper Mom for seizing this opportunity to point out the parallel that this has with her husband’s infidelity (for which she was ultimately the only one punished!) Basically: everyone sucks.
Sara: Aria shows up just then to tell her parents to take some time to think about it before coming to their final conclusion on the subject. She asks them to imagine for one minute that it’s real, because she truly loves Ezra and needs them to understand. Both of her parents refuse to talk about it and send her upstairs.
Rosewood College of Pottery and Pedophilia. Ezra is laying on the couch in his office, when Queen Jackie stops by, hopefully to gloat. She asks him not to be angry, but he tells her that angry doesn’t even begin to describe how he feels about her right now. She tells him that he was making a terrible mistake and that she had to wake him up to what was happening. Jackie sees his busted lip and figures out that Ezra told the Montgomerys. She asks what he expected to happen, and he tells her to go away. “She is a teenager… and you were her teacher.” Ezra tells her to get out, because he can’t handle hearing things like TRUTH and FACTS.
Sweeney: WE STILL LOVE YOU QUEEN JACKIE.
Sara: The Liars are about to leave for the meet-up with A, but Spencer is stopped by Toby, who has figured out that something fishy is going on, and Hanna is stopped by her mother, who says that Shitbag Marin wants to talk to them both. Since Aria is dealing with her Pedophile Fallout, she also isn’t on her way, which leaves Emily all alone.
The news from Hanna’s father is that he’s moving his Replacement Family to Rosewood so he can “be closer to Hanna.” This means that Kate the Evil Stepsister will be going to Rosewood High. Hanna asks how her father could do that to her, but he doesn’t answer so Ashley covers with, “Because he loves you and wants to be near you. Right, Tom?” Shitbag Marin doesn’t answer because he is a man on this show, and we all know how this show feels about men.
Greenhouse of Secrets. Emily shows up to meet with A, and gets a text from Spencer telling her not to go in yet because she’s not there. Well. That message could have been sent a bit sooner.
Aria sneaks out of the house with some help from Mike which is really nice of him. He teaches her his escape route – through his window, like every other teenager ever. Before she goes, Mike apologizes for hitting Ezra. He was pretty sure Papa Montgomery was about to do it, so he figured it would be better if it came from him. Aw, I like Mike this episode!
Lor: It truly played out that way too, so hearing this was nice confirmation. Things were getting tense, and Mike just stepped up in the way and like half-punched Ezra. I mean, as far as ways to diffuse the situation, I’m okay with a FACE PUNCH.
Sweeney: Having spent an additional 10 minutes watching the scene in slow motion to gif it, I can confirm that yes, it did. There’s a brief shot of Mike’s eyes quickly daring back and forth between Pedzra and his dad. Punching Ezra Fitz in the face is always a great way to diffuse a situation.
Sara: Greenhouse of Secrets. Someone in a black hoodie enters, but it’s dark and Emily can’t see who it is. She says that she’s glad s/he showed up and that she knew she could count on A. She moves closer, holding the box from New Jason. For some reason, when she’s still a good distance away, she admits that they don’t actually have shit on A at all. Come on, Em. Think smarter. (S: Right? You got this far…)
This pisses A off so much that s/he runs after Emily and starts fighting her. Somehow, the hoodie never slips even a fraction of an inch so there’s no chance of seeing who is wearing it. I’m assuming there’s double sided tape involved in this magical hoodie. S/he gets Emily on the ground and is about to stab her with a gardening tool when Aria and Spencer run inside. They form a circle around A, giving him/her nowhere to run, but A throws a potted plant up at the ceiling, breaking the glass and scaring the girls. They duck down, and A basically saunters right past them because they are the worst at being detectives.
The girls run outside and see A getting hit by a car, and the person driving is HANNA! Oh my God, she totally earned that. I mean, she didn’t hit A that hard, but that must feel good after having a car thrown at you by A. (S: That was overshadowed by the face punch of glory, but this was also an amazing moment.) A is able to get back up and run into the woods before the girls can catch him/her, so A is probably on the track team. They follow A into the woods but end up losing him/her.
When they get back to Hanna’s car, Spencer finds a cracked cell phone, laying on the ground. When they realize it isn’t any of their phones, it dawns on them that they now have A’s cell phone. The only way these girls ever get clues is on accident.
Lor: Even when they have an amazing, month long plan in the works. Sigh.
Sara: A-nonymous: A gets back to his/her car and realizes that the cell phone is gone. He/she hits the car in frustration.
Sweeney: As frustrated as I also am with the girls for being stupid and only lucking into that clue when they so obviously should have had A just now, this was a damn good episode! I would have said that for the face punch alone, but Hanna hitting A with a car and that amazing little fakeout? 1430, show.
Next time: Aria meets a new boy! We’ll have our fingers crossed during S02 E15 – A Hot Piece of “A.”
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
