Angel S03 E22 – WHAT THE HECK?

Previously: Connor thinks Angel killed his other daddy. Whoops.
—

Tomorrow

Kirsti: We open with Groo walking into the Hyperion carrying a tray of glasses filled with…IDK, muddy water? He looks across the lobby to see Cordy standing in the office and I REALLY can’t get over how ugly her hair is. He heads into the office, and Cordy’s all “WTF is that drink?” He says that it’s a soothing brew to help her chill out. She says that it looks like muddy water, and he’s all “CORRECT!” Lor, does this make me a Snark Prophet?

Lorraine: Half of one, because I’m pretty sure you’ve seen this episode before. I love you.

K: I barely remembered the plot, let alone the tiny details!

Anyway, apparently the mud adds body and flavour, which EW. He hands her a mug and looks at her expectantly. She takes a little sip, and tries to look as if it’s delicious when she’s really fighting her gag reflex. He suggests that maybe he could also try “at first gently then more rapidly rubbing your schlugtee?” She’s a little horrified, and tells him that sex in the office isn’t appropriate. Turns out that a schlugtee is the tense muscle in her neck. Whoops. Meanwhile, Angel’s back so Cordy has no fucks to give about Groo anymore. Angel tells her that he found Holtz, that he didn’t kill him, that they talked, and that Holtz wants Connor to live at the hotel with the Fang Gang. Cordy’s thrilled. She and Angel grin at each other and hug. Groo snarks in the background while drowning his sorrows in muddy water.

Sweeney: There’s a Long-Island-Iced-Tea-esque drink that you can get in some bars in LA called either LA Water or LA River Water. I think that would be better for the drowning of sorrows.

Lor: I’ve seen the LA river. One would have to be very, very sorrowful to drown anything in it.

K: So we’re all agreed – Groo’s sorrows would be better drowned with booze.

Zoomy seizure cut to the dodgy motel. Connor is holding Holtz’s body and crying. It’s really unconvincing acting. Justine informs him that Holtz just wanted to talk but Angelus got his murder on. Connor replies that it’s his fault. Justine wants to help him kill Angel, but Connor seems to have a different plan. The zoomy cameraman gets to work zooming in on his murdery SRS BSNSS face.

Cue electric cellos.

After the credits, Angel’s gushing to Cordy about which room is going to be Connor’s. He wants him close, but not so close that Connor feels like he’s hovering. He starts rambling about how he’ll need to buy a TV and work out how much Connor should get as an allowance. He suggests fifty cents or a dollar a week as a suitable allowance, and Cordy’s all “LOL, YOU OLD.” Shots? (L: Uh, yes. It’s finale time.) (K: EXCELLENT) Angel has a mini “What if he hates me?” session that Cordy quickly shuts down by saying that Connor will love him because Angel may be a million years old and super tight with money, but he has the biggest heart of ever. They smile at each other, and she asks if he still needs to keep looking at rooms. “He can have mine,” Lorne says from the doorway. Because he’s heading to Vegas to be a singer/seer at a friend’s club just off the Strip.

Cordy wants to know why he’s not rebuilding his club, and he gives her “You people keep blowing it up. DUH” face. Angel asks if it’s because of Connor, and Lorne says that Angel’s demon-hating insta-teenager is definitely a contributing factor. He recommends that they not turn their backs on Connor as he walks out.

That throws us across to a clearing near a chunk of woods. Connor and Justine pull up in a truck, and Justine informs Connor that they’re going to bury Holtz there because it kind of looks like England. Right, in the same way that Vladivostok looks like Johannesburg… Connor says that maybe it’s more like the ranch in Utah where he was meant to grow up, and Justine gets feelsy. But then Connor’s all “Yup, it was meant to be just him and me and no one would ever find us”, and that’s a smack in the face for Justine. They get down to business. Justine says she’ll bury him, but Connor says that as Holtz was bitten by a vampire, they need to make sure he won’t rise again. Justine has a “RIGHT, EXCEPT THAT I STABBED HIM WITH A SCREWDRIVER” Flashback o’ Guilt. Connor kisses Holtz’s forehead, then drags his body from the truck onto the ground, and lifts a sledgehammer and/or axe. Squelch.

Sweeney: EW. Wouldn’t it have been easier/more ritualistic/less disgusting/better IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY to just burn the body? What the fuck, Connor.

Lor: It’s like he wants us to hate him.

K: It really is.

A seedy bar somewhere. Wes sits at a table alone, brood!drinking. Lilah walks up to him and asks if she can join him. He objects on many levels, but she sits down anyway. (L: This stalking can’t be all business. Lilah, honey, it’s starting to look like you want in his pants…) Wes is drinking what appears to be a boilermaker, which can’t possibly end well. Anyway, Lilah sasses a little about how he’s gone from being a Big Damn Hero to a nobody with no friends and no job. But she still cares. He scoffs, and she clarifies that she cares that his giant brain is going to waste, because he should be researching Connor, who is clearly an impossible thing without precedent.

Wes points out that there are a ton of precedents for impossible things, and that every child born carries the possibility for salvation or slaughter. That…is a really bizarre way of looking at things, and I’m not sure I approve of it. (L: Birth control!) ANYWAY. Lilah wants to know what the Fang Gang will do if Connor turns out to be evil, and Wes tells her to leave. She doesn’t though, and instead asks what it was like to have his throat slit. His hand darts across the table and grabs her throat, saying “Are you terribly anxious to find out?”

Lor: Damn, it took a while. I’m not saying I would’ve punched a bitch in her face already but, ahem.

K: Short shot of Justine and Connor watching Holtz’s body burn. Um. If you were going to burn his body, why did you need to decapitate him/squish his head??

Sweeney: Right? I should amend my earlier comment, but NOPE. This just makes that grossness extra unnecessary.

Lor: And it only affirms my comment.

K: Very true.

Hyperion. Groo’s lounging around the lobby looking bored and a little mopey. Fred and Gunn walk in and, not seeing Groo, start talking about what they’re going to do given how they super screwed up due to not considering the fact that Connor might have super hearing.

Upstairs, Angel’s telling Cordy that he doesn’t feel suitably equipped to give Connor the sex talk, and can’t she do it? She refuses, and he asks if she can at least fill in the blanks, because he’s bound to ask questions. Like what do you do with a schlugtee? Cordy’s horrified that Angel and his super hearing eavesdropped on her earlier conversation with Groo and starts to whisper in his ear about what she’ll do to him next time he eavesdrops. They’re down the stairs into the lobby by this point, so the others are all watching this somewhat intimate exchange. Groo looks resigned.

Angel asks Fred and Gunn where Connor is, and they fill him in on the whole super hearing thing, saying that they went by Holtz’s dodgy motel to look for him, but no one was there. Angel gets panicky because he doesn’t want Connor to go looking for Holtz and find an empty room on account of Holtz was going to leave town. Just then, Connor walks in. He says that he went to see Holtz, but he wasn’t there. Angel hands him the letter, saying that Holtz told him to give it to Connor. After Connor’s read it, Angel suggests that they give the whole Connor-living-at-the-Hyperion plan a go. There’s a pause before Connor says “Okay. We’ll give it a try.” He smiles as he says it, but the music screams VILLAIN. Fade to black aaaaand I hand over to Sweeney.

Sweeney: Up in his new room (the only one we saw Angel and Cordelia in) Connor is sitting on the twin bed (why twin beds in a fancy hotel?) reading over the letter from Holtz. Angel arrives with new furniture and tries to get Connor to agree to go do something fun, but Connor’s non-responsive. Even without knowing that Connor thinks Angel killed Holtz (which, in retrospect, I’m surprised Angel didn’t consider that a possibility) I’m perplexed by his assumption that one letter is going to close all loose ends with the man Connor considers to be his father.

K: RIGHT??? Sometimes, Angel doesn’t really use his brain…

Sweeney: Connor, finally suggests that there is something he’d like to do with Angel and he comes at him. After Angel deflects the attack, Connor says he wants Angel to teach him to be like him. With that, we cut to downstairs, where Gunn and Fred are wearing couch cushions as they mock fight, with Gunn as a vampire and Fred a civilian Connor must protect. Fred excitedly asks for a turn as the vampire. Cordelia wants to know who will be on cleaning duty. Angel invites her to come to a movie with them later, but she’s overdue for some one-on-one time with Groo.  The others get back to their drill (Fred adorably growls when she gets to be the vampire.) Cordelia watches with her suspicious face on.

K: Fred is adorable. Meanwhile, Cordy sounds as enthusiastic about her one-on-one Groo time as we were about watching Seeing Red. Which is to say, NOT AT ALL.

Lor: You say bad words, Kirsti. Stahp.

Sweeney: Later, she returns to her apartment with a bag full of groceries, calling out to Groo. She finds him standing in her bedroom. He solemnly tells her that he’s wrong for her and that she loves someone else.

As Cordelia asks, “He is? Who he?” we segue back to Angel. He’s in his room when Lorne arrives to say goodbye. Angel’s enthusiasm about movie time with Connor wanes when he has to acknowledge that Lorne is really leaving now. Lorne brought him a CD of his music called, “Songs for the Love” which is basically the best parting gift ever. I want this in my life now. His actual gift, though, is to tell Angel that his feelings for Cordelia are mutual. We get a lot of shots back and forth between Groo talking to Cordelia and Lorne talking to Angel, saying the same basic things about how in obvs in love they are. Groo says he’s known for a while but was struggling to do what was right. Lorne tells Angel that sometimes things do work out. DAMN IT, LORNE. NO THEY DON’T. YOU’RE A LIAR.

Lor: They especially won’t work out now that he was all, “things work out!” THANKS, LORNE. I’d still buy your CD, though. Probably.

K: This especially pisses me off because in my experience, if you TELL two people that they have feelings for each other and should be together, it’s pretty much guaranteed to not work out. Let them work it out themselves, yo. 

Sweeney: Cordelia’s not quite sure what to say. Groo suggests saying that he’s wrong and she loves only him. She can’t do that, so we get a series of shots of him gathering his things and leaving, while the orchestra of feels swells.

Cut to A DRIVE-IN MOVIE! YAY! That’s a wise choice for the newly-returned-to-this-world-and-seriously-violent Connor. Fred and Gunn are there too. Just as Gunn gets out to go get more popcorn, Connor jumps at something on the screen. Angel insists that it’s make believe, which is the cue for a very non-make-believe helicopter to come flying over the screen. The spotlight finds Angel’s car and some ladders drop to let black suited commando dudes off.

After a Not Break, fighting commences. We see that this is all being watched by Linwood and DDK in a van nearby. DDK says that Connor’s a pretty good fighter and Linwood’s excited to rip him open. They’re not surprised that Angel’s fighting so hard to protect Connor, but they are surprised that Connor was so eager to protect Angel. So are we because of all the VILLAIN music. Where’s the catch, Connor?

Lor: Building trust? Not wanting other people to kill his pops ’cause he wants to? Losing points on our Connor Hate Scale? IDK.

Sweeney: The Fang Gang is clearly winning so they order the mission aborted. Too late, though – Angel’s spotted their van, parked just in front of theirs. Who the hell brings a big white surveillance van to a drive-in movie? (K: At least it’s mildly less obvious than a black van with a Death Star painted on the side of it?) Linwood says it would set a bad example for Angel to kill a human in front of his son and sirens tell us that cops are on their way. Connor grabs Linwood and throws him back into the van, telling him to leave his father alone. Linwood says that they can help him, and calls him Steven. He corrects that his name is Connor and Angel smiles before they walk away and suggesting that they go home.

Back at Cordelia’s apartment, she’s talking to herself about how impossible it is for her to be in love with Angel. Then, as if the show is actively trying to make Cordelia’s weird ass demonic powers as pure nonsense as possible, a glowy version of herself appears for her to talk this out with. Glowy Cordelia shouts that she’s in love with Angel and although she’s scared, she knows it’s all going to be all right and then she vanishes. UM, WUT? Glowy Cordelia seems to be made of ever more bullshit.

Lor: I. CAN’T. EVEN. WHAT IS THIS?

K: Hate hate haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

Sweeney: That about sums it up.

Brooding Hotel. The Fang Gang return to the hotel to find the phone ringing. Angel is whistling and everyone thinks it’s weird. Angel answers the phone and it’s Cordelia and she says she needs to talk to him about something important. She suggests meeting at a really pretty spot to have this super important chat and they do an awkward-gushing-smiling-teenager thing as they hang up.

Angel says he has to go out and asks if Connor will be all right. He says that Cordelia is beautiful and cares about him, so he likes her. Angel hums, and this happiness level weirds out Gunn and Fred some more. Fred pokes Angel with a stake and says, “But not perfectly happy?”

Having covered all the weirdness I can handle for one episode, I’ll let Lor take the next bit.

Lorraine: Yeah, cutting it up in three parts is actually the best way to handle this.

AND BAM. LILAH AND WESLEY IN BED TOGETHER. DID YOU ALL SEE THAT? DID YOU ALL SEE ME CALL THAT? Snarky Prophecy.

Sweeney: Well done!

Lor: Why, thank you.

Wesley says that sinking morning after feeling arrived a little early and I cannot even process this. Lilah wriggles a bit as she insinuates that Wesley got her off a few times. Wesley tells Lilah to get out, and glowers at Lilah as she gets up. She tells him to watch it, as sexy glowering is what got her in this predicament in the first place. We see murder face, Lilah sees sexy face. Got it. She dresses while saying that Wesley knows how to channel his anger.

Wesley deadpans a, “you still here?” Lilah chuckles a bit, as she tells Wesley not to think of her when she’s gone. Without sparing her a look, Wes replies that he wasn’t thinking of her when she was here. I’m not actually sure which one of them I want to shut up more.

K: All I can think of is this:

Lor: Lilah gets the last word as she tells him that his boss had a soul and now he’s losing his.

Angel arrives Make-out Point, or whatever. We cut to Cordelia rushing through traffic. Back with Angel, he nervously checks the time, fixes his hair, checks his cell phone and promptly loses his cell phone over Make-Out Bluff, or whatever.

Cordelia is talking to herself in the car when suddenly, she starts glow-sticking again. This time, her Day Glo power causes everything around her to freeze. She looks around and says, “oh shit.”

K: She says “oh shit,” I say “how can time freeze in PART of Los Angeles but not the rest of it?”

Sweeney: Legit. I mean, I’m just trying to process the other ends of the traffic jam she’s just created.

Lor: At Make-Out Beach, Angel’s done waiting. He grabs his keys only to find that Connor is crashing his almost-date. Make-Out Cliff turns into I’m Really Angry So I’m Going to Push My Dad Off This Peak Peak. Connor says they are family and he wants to show him what that means, so he pushes his dad off the peak. They tumble down and we cut to black.

We join again with Connor and Angel picking themselves up off the sand. Connor starts attacking, throwing back some of Angel’s fighting advice back at him because he mastered it in a few hours! Cut to Cordelia, getting out of her car in the frozen traffic. She looks at a woman on her cell phone, applying lipstick like a little non-moving hazard. She’s interrupted by Skip! After a little banter, he clarifies that Cordelia isn’t dying. In fact, she’s a higher being and she’s outgrown this level. Cordelia seems to know what this all means, but IDK. I mean, she is in a Pretty White Virginal Dress, so there’s that.

K: My reaction to this can still be summed up as “LOL WHUT.”

Lor: Back at Dad Murder Beach, Angel pins Connor and yells at him to talk. Connor agrees too, but hits Angel with a stun gun as soon as he’s released. Angel gains the upperhand only for a second before Connor drives a stake in his side and electrocutes him a few more times. Connor signals to an approaching boat, and we see Justine at the helm, signaling back.

Decisions, Decisions Highway. Cordelia tells Skip she can’t go on to any high realms without telling Angel that she loves him. She wants enough time to do at least that, or maybe Skip can pass on the message. Skip says no to all of the above, so Cordelia tearfully says she will not go to the higher realm, right before she realizes that this is her last test, given at the worst possible moment because The Powers That Be Contriving hate happiness and love contrivance.

Angel regains consciousness to the sound of a drill whirring. Angel is tied down in a box. He asks what this is about and Connor answers that it’s for murdering his father. Angel swears he didn’t, but Justine is on hand to call him a liar. Not that Connor really needs to hear that, because he’s pretty sold on Angel being just that. Angel connects the dots about Connor not letting him die at the drive in. Connor: Killing is too good for you. You don’t get to die. You get to live. Forever.

K: Dear Connor, 
You’re a little shit, and not in the good “Loki, you little shit” kind of a way.
No love whatsoever,
Kirsti.

Lor: Decisions, Decisions Highway. Cordelia’s made hers. Glowy Angelic light surrounds her as she ascends into the heavens. I. DON’T. EVEN. KNOW.

Justine and Connor finish up their preparations and Angel tells Connor that one day he will discover the truth, and he’ll hate himself for what he’s doing to Angel. Connor isn’t really hearing that, and seals Angel inside his box. Justine even welds the damn box shut. We see Angel looking kind of hilariously wide-eyed, though I think this sort of cartoonish panic is pretty fitting. Still though: giggles. Justine and Connor push Angel into the ocean and watch the box sink. I’m hating Connor’s stupid face pretty hard this episode. I mean, here is where the problem is going to be; I *get* Connor, but he’s also the antagonist, so I get to dislike him, or at least his actions. Right? Right.

We zoom across LA to the brooding hotel, where Fred and Gunn realize that everyone is gone and they don’t know where anyone is.

Cordelia is still doing her slow ascent into the heavens and it’s juxtaposed with Angel’s slow descent to the bottom of the ocean.

AND THAT IS THE CLIFF-HANGER WE END THE SEASON ON. I’m having a really hard time processing everything that just happened. I was just wrapping my head around Cordelia being a night light, and suddenly she’s also a phantom and now an angel or something? And seemingly out of nowhere, she’s called into another realm that is probably called Cockblock? This is all pretty strange guys. I guess what I’m saying is:

WHAT.

K: Accurate response is accurate, Lor. That pretty much sums up my feelings too.

Sweeney: I don’t really have words. What is this thing we are watching?

 

Next time on Angel: Find out how Angel escapes and if Cordelia ever comes back down in Angel Season 4!