Previously: A ball, a sword fight, and a lot of talk about space prostitution.
—
Safe
Sweeney: Today’s episode begins with a flashback! We’re at the Tam Estate, 11 years ago. Kid!Simon is sitting by the fireplace working on something while kid!River tries to play an elaborate role playing game with him. It is here that I do a double take because kid!Simon is none other than a young Zac Efron. LOLOLOLOL. I might giggle through this entire scene. (M: I’ll have fingers crossed for a sudden musical number!) Hilarity aside, it’s a very cute scene – kid!River is adorable and imaginative and kid!Simon is a pretty fantastic older brother. He sets aside his light-up tablet thing to engage/encourage kid!River further when she demonstrates her general brilliance by pointing out that his assignment (the problem itself, not his answer) is wrong. It’s worth noting that her game is very us/them with “them” being the independents.
That point is driven home when their father enters. Zac Efron and his father chat about future technology and have a conversation that’s sort of the equivalent of Zac Efron wanting his own, unfiltered internet account, but dad doesn’t want him to have unfettered access to porn and other unsavory things. (He says it in Mandarin, btw, I’m assuming it was long-winded Mandarin for “porn and unsavory politics.”) (M: He actually says, “heaven knows what.” Heaven might not know, but Sweeney does! PORN AND UNSAVORY POLITICS.) Unfortunately, he was overruled by his wife who is OK with Zac Efron getting porn, anarchy, and The Real Housewives of the Outer Planets. (M: A+) Papa Tam adds, though, that Zac Efron had better use his “dedicated source box” to become a super genius doctor.
We jump out of this adorable family moment to the future, where River is spazzing the fuck out about being poked in the eyes. Simon closes the door to the infirmary and assures her that they will do no tests today. He’s poking through his supply box for something and River picks up his box and throws it across the room, just as Mal comes down the stairs. She says a bunch of stuff in Mandarin to Mal. Actually, it seems more like she’s looking at Mal and talking about him to Simon. An eloquent version of, “This Independent scum is fucking awful too.” (M: “Stupid son of a drooling whore and a monkey.”) (S: WHAT A GREAT INSULT.) Mal snarks about what a prodigy she is and Simon says she’s just having a rough day. More like rough ALWAYS as far as Mal is concerned, and since they’re only 2 miles above ground, he’s concerned that people on the ground can hear her.
Mal says that he just needs River to STFU until they finish unloading the cattle. River mutters something about how quickly the human body can be drained of human blood. Mal says he’s fine with the morbid and creepifying (we missed that in our creepcabulary! Thanks Mal!) as long as she’s quiet about it. Simon says that there’s not a whole lot he can do about government-experiment-induced paranoid schizophrenia. Mal gives no fucks and suggests gagging her.
Sara: Plus the last time someone was skinning an animal in Traumaland, it was Tywin Freaking Lannister.
Sweeney: Giggle-snort space cowboy music.
Marines: STOP LAUGHING. THIS SONG IS SERIOUS, DAMMIT.
Sweeney: After those very serious credits, the ship has landed and the cattle are being unloaded. The crew has made a corral that they’re hoping will hold them. Cut to River, chatting with the cattle about their existence of sleeping and eating. Mal says something to Jayne about her newfound need to “commune with the beasts,” and she responds that, “they weren’t cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and they remember what they are.” Mal jokes that it’s probably bad that this made perfect sense to him.
Simon strolls up and Mal makes a comment about River being dangerous by making them unstealthy. Simon sarcastically apologizes for River revealing his secret herd of cattle. Mal suggests that they take a walk. (SOLVES EVERYTHING.) He promises that there are no Alliance troops anywhere near by because I guess he doesn’t know he’s on a TV show and promising the bad thing can’t come is the same thing as summoning it. (I think it’s best to always assume you are on a TV show and, as such, assume that this logic can apply to your own life because it’s better safe than sorry.) He goes on to say it’s not actually just a suggestion.
Inara and Kaylee are inside a shop, making fun of the assorted trinkets for sale. Kaylee asks if a plate would make a nice gift and Inara guesses that it’s for Simon, though Kaylee tries (and fails) to play it cool. SQUISH! Just as she’s conceding that she wants to “take a bite out of him all over,” River and Simon walk in. They don’t seem to have heard, but Kaylee still blushes anyway because that was a close call. She’s the cutest.
Inara notes that they don’t usually go out on the planets and Simon anxiously tries to keep River in check. Kaylee eyes aaalllll of Simon and it’s endearing when Kaylee does it. She’s crestfallen, though, when Simon grabs the plate she had asked about and says it’s ridiculous that they would ask for money for crap like that. Kaylee says something about Simon having fun, and Simon lays on the snark really thick, sarcastically saying that their miserable existence is LOADS of fun, including living on the stupid ship. STOP HURTING KAYLEE’S FEELINGS, ASSHOLE.
Kaylee vocalizes her offense to the comment about Serenity, and Simon quickly apologizes and says he didn’t mean it. When she says he did he notes that he was being ironic and as such, “in the strictest sense-” but Kaylee cuts him off and says he was being mean. Oh my goodness I love her. You stand up for yourself and your ship! Good girl! She continues, in a hurt voice, that if that’s what he thinks of this life, then he can’t think much of them that choose it, before walking out. Inara gives him, “Now think about what you’ve done,” eyes before following. Simon doesn’t have much time for that, because once they go he realizes that River’s now missing too.
Mari: I remember loving Kaylee, but for very non-specific reasons. She’s the best combination of precious, but BAMF. I’m so glad to be rediscovering this love.
Sara: LOVE. In another show, Kaylee might have just stood there and looked sad about the comment. I’m glad she stood up for herself and for her ship!
Sweeney: YES. She’s just such a delight.
Back with the cattle, Zoe informs Mal that his “disreputable men” have arrived. The Disreputable Men get to haggling – saying that the 30-a-head they’d agreed to was a price they chose before they had seen the scrawniness of the animals. There’s a noise in the woods that makes them reach for their guns, but nothing appears.
In town, Simon sees a whole bunch of officers leaving a building, giving him considerable cause for concern. He super suspiciously bids them good morning before running into that building.
Sara: RIGHT? Even if I didn’t know anything about him, I would assume he was a murderer or thief or something from that Good Morning.
Sweeney: Stealth is clearly not his thing.
Cattle. The Disreputable Men offer the 25 that Mal just secretly assured Book he was going for and Mal accepts. Money is changing hands when a bunch of officers appear, guns out, and accuse the Disreputable Men of murder. Womp.
Simon walks through what seems to be a series of dark alleys, but I’m not sure because dark. When he emerges, though, he’s in a beautiful sunlit field and he finds River observing these people having some sort of carnival. She watches them and counts their steps for a bit before joining into their dance easily, laughing and smiling, which makes Simon smile. (Because they obvs needed to put Summer Glau’s dancing feet to proper use.)
Sara: I could watch this scene over and over. She looks so beautiful and happy and carefree, and I don’t think we’ve ever seen her this way before. It’s lovely.
Sweeney: The scene ends when the shootout appears over, but Mal quickly sees that Book has been shot in/near the heart. BOOK! NOT BOOK! WHY? River stops dancing, looking stunned and horrified, implying – I think – that she somehow knows/sensed what just happened. Simon doesn’t have long to process her expression change because someone pulls a sack over his head. Damn, maybe that’s what River knew. WHAT DID RIVER KNOW? (M: EVERYTHING.)
After a Not Commercial Break, Mal is checking in on Book, assuring him that he’s going to be OK. He and Jayne get a stretcher to carry Book back to the infirmary and a now very worried Kaylee. Zoe gets to work helping look after him as Mal calls Wash down to join them. Kaylee says, as much to herself as Book, that Mal and Zoe saw much worse than this in the war. He starts convulsing, but is still alive. When Wash arrives Mal sends him into town to look for Simon.
Segue magic to Simon who is being dragged through the woods by the Showerless Woodsmen from earlier. He’s shouting and they’re telling him to STFU. He says, “You don’t understand, my sister–” and gets punched straight into a flashback! That was a serious punch.
Sara: Too bad it wasn’t an actual throat punch…
Sweeney: I don’t actually want Simon to get throat punched! That’s reserved for people we dislike. People we like should do the throat punching.
In the flashback he’s already a grown up and Mama Tam is assuring him that his sister is fine, but he protests. He shoves some letters in their faces, insisting that the phrases she is using don’t sound like her at all and there are abundant spelling errors, even though she started correcting Simon’s spelling when she was three. He insist that River is trying to tell them something with a code, but they think he’s just homesick without his sister. He presses on, mentioning blatantly fictitious details in the letters, but Mama Tam thinks it’s just one of River’s silly games. His parents tell him that he needs to calm the hell down because he’s talking stress crazy and that kind of stuff will cost him his super prestigious status at his super prestigious hospital. Simon looks like the state of their priorities is going to make him ill.
Sara: Well, at least they aren’t changing our opinions of Traumaland parents.
Sweeney: As Mama Tam assures him that nothing will keep them apart for long we jump back to the present. Or future. Whatever. Show present. He’s still being hauled through the woods but now River appears, excitedly pronouncing that she found him. He screams for her to run, but to no avail; they are now both captured.
Serenity. Wash returns empty-handed, insisting that as small as that town is, he’s certain they weren’t in it. Jayne suspects that Simon saw the cops and ran, but Mal says that he’s confident Simon’s not a coward. Wash says he’s pretty sure they were snatched by settlers on the hills who have a habit of doing that. With that, Mal says it’s time to GTFO, because they’ve now lost two people and have to make sure they don’t lose a third.
Woods. Simon is assuring River that it’ll all be all right because they’ll come once The Captain realizes what happened. He looks up, just then, to see Serenity taking off. His captors tell them that nobody’s coming for them so they need to keep moving.
Mari: Amazing timing with the being stranded there!
Sweeney: Serenity Infirmary. Zoe is patching up a dazed Book, telling him that she’s seen men live with a dozen holes in his body. Book asks after the doctor, and Zoe assures him that they’ll be along.
Up in the bridge, Mal and Wash are trying to figure out where to go. Inara enters and says that Mal knows where he can go. Mal says that he doesn’t have time to fuck around with Simon right now, especially since he might be in need of a doctor himself. Inara says that’s not what she meant; she means somewhere with medical facilities. Wherever it is sounds a little bit too civilization-government-presence for Mal and his vehement, “NOT HAPPENING,” confirms that suspicion.
Back on the planet, Simon and River are being led to the desolate village of his captors and people are pretty excited that they’ve brought home a doctor.
Serenity. Jayne is rummaging through Simon and River’s things. He finds some cash that he steals, and mocks pretty much everything else.
Mari: That shirt was mock-worthy, if you ask me. Jayne was channeling the Snark.
On the bridge, Wash is asking if Mal is sure that this is where he wants to be. We pan out to see that they’re back at the big Alliance ship they were on two episodes back. Mal says he’s sure he doesn’t want to be there, but tells Wash to ask nicely.
Simon is being shown into a room that appears to serve as the infirmary for the hill settlers. I’m not sure if I should feel prescient for naming them after their low hygiene standards or like an asshole. Right now I feel a little bit of both. “We give good TV…but, like, we’re real dicks about it.” (M: Fair.) Simon gets River to sit down in a corner, and asks the woman who had been tending to the sick to bring him supplies.
Alliance Ship. Zoe asks Mal if he’s feeling sanguine about this, and he says yes before she clarifies that it means both optimistic and bloody. They open the door, Mal with his hands up in readiness for the Alliance troops who burst out with guns up. They give him a lot of shit about his papers (which list a different name) and tell him that they don’t help just anybody. DUDE. MAN IS DYING. WTF. (S: Yay for future health care! -_-) Said dying man mumbles something I don’t quite catch, but one of the soldiers does and he fishes Book’s ID out of his pocket. He puts it in his little scanner thing and hands it to his boss man who then orders everyone to get him to the infirmary ASAP. That’s a little…nauseating and horrifying. Neither Zoe nor Mal seem to understand why Book is a super VIP. Is he a spy after all? BOOK?
Hill country. The goodhearted nurse lady asks about River, because she can tell something is off there. River sits down in front of a little girl named Ruby who the nurse says is mute, though nobody knows what caused it. She goes on to say that a quiet, SAFE place like this might be good for River. I like you, lady, so it’s with great pleasure that I give you this badge even though I don’t know your name:
(I googled. Doralee. Congrats, Doralee!)
Mari: IS THIS WHAT HAVING FUN WHILE KNOWING THE FUTURE FEELS LIKE? I LIKE IT.
Sweeney: -_-
She adds that it’s a good little community where people take care of each other and Simon’s all, “LOL, yeah, great kidnapping community!” She says sometimes life takes you places, and again Simon responds with, “KIDNAPPERS, YO.” She says he was on a transport ship and journeys end when you find home, which makes Simon defensive. “This isn’t our home.”
I was expecting another flashback, but instead we go to the Alliance ship where Jayne, Zoe, and Mal are speculating about Book’s VIP status. Jayne is super antsy because I think his head went to the same place mine did. The fact that Mal and Zoe are not anxious leads me to believe that Jayne and I are suffering from a case of Spencer Hastings Loud & Wrong Syndrome.
Back in the SAFE little community, Simon is freaking out because he can’t find River or the mute girl she was with. Doralee says she’s going to check out back, but Simon finds her as soon as he opens a door. She’s got a bowl of berries that she picked. He asks if she remembers a time when they picked berries. He stops short, realizing that present!River isn’t exactly the best person to reminisce with. She tears up as she tells him that she took him away from there. She says she gets confused but she remembers everything — too much, in fact. She starts to get a little flustered but refocuses, reiterating that she does understand that he gave up everything he had to find her, only to find her broken, which is hard for him. He assures her that everything he has is right here. She tries to comfort him, saying that their dad will come take them home and they’ll get better. Simon walks over to a table, eager to change the subject.
Mari: Ugh. It’s such a great moment, in which you realize both that River understands more of what’s going around her than we expect, but she ends it with that little piece of naivety.
Sweeney: Indeed! I also really enjoy the way they’ve built up to that with the flashbacks, and the way this moment is sort of preparation for the final flashback.
Doralee and the mute girl return, with Doralee saying it’s bed time. She adds that they’ve been looking for a doctor for a long while so they’ve got a house set aside for him and everything. River looks at the little girl and shares her backstory – her mother went crazy and killed her sister. Doralee is ecstatic that she got the girl to talk, but River says that she doesn’t talk, what with her voice being scared away. Doralee freaks out about how River knew, and gets all crazy religious, calling River a witch and insisting that you can’t let witches live. DAMN IT, DORALEE, I GOOGLED YOUR STUPID NAME AND EVERYTHING. I’m revoking your badge. (M: LOLOL.)
Flashback Magic. Papa Tam is picking Simon up at what I assume is future prison. I bet future prison is scary. Papa Tam is pissed that Simon interrupted his dinner party and Simon flippantly says he would have held off on trying to save his sister if he’d known that there was a dinner party going on. Simon was in some sort of blackout zone talking to someone who he thinks can help River. When he says he plans to go right back there, Papa Tam lays down the law in Chinese. I’m going with, “The hell you are,” in stern dad voice. (L: “Over my dead body.”) (S: You’re getting good at this, Sweeney!) The stern dad voice is key, though. He goes on to say that Simon is getting into some deep shit and won’t be dragged with him; he will not come for him if he gets arrested again. When Papa Tam asks if Simon is coming home now, Simon’s “You can’t be fucking serious” look is better than any actual words would be.
Hills. That annoying zealot Doralee is ringing the town bell in the middle of the damn night. Simon asks what the hell she teaches (ah, teacher, not nurse) and I’m going to assume religious studies because I can’t fathom they have great use for a lot of other subjects in this area. (M: Definitely not hygiene.) People come out to investigate the fuss and she explains to one man that River is a witch. Simon insists that she’s just troubled, so the man questions her. He says he’s the patron and does she know what that means. She does and then her mind/mouth get the better of her as she goes on to say that he’s been the town patron since the last one died — he was very ill and New Patron was in the room with him. New Patron slaps River and shouts that she’s a witch who reads minds and spouts falsehoods, so they need to burn her. BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Mari: So, wait, is she reading your mind or lying? YOU’S A FISHY MAN, PATRON.
Sweeney: Back on Serenity, Book is coming to in the infirmary and Mal is explaining that the Alliance let them right on and sent them right back on their merry way. He wants to know why that would be. Book tries to say it’s just because he’s a man of god, which Mal obviously doesn’t buy. Book’s not telling now, though. He says he might one day, but for now it’s good to be home. D’awww!
After Mal leaves the infirmary, Zoe comes up to him to say that Badger hailed them and wants his share of the cattle money brought to a fed base. Jayne snarks that this request (and life in general) will be heaps easier without the two most wanted on board. Zoe agrees.
Said fugitives are having a really shitty time as River is being tied up for her burning. Simon begs for a life swap, but it doesn’t really work that way. He throws the guys lighting the fire out of the way and rants that her death wouldn’t be the product of god’s will but their lunacy and ignorance. They are unmoved, so he gets up on the platform by her post. One of the men says that this won’t stop them, but he grabs onto River and tells them to light it. “Time to go,” whispers River.
Sara: I know that some people say they feel a romantic chemistry between Simon and River, and I can see how, but for me, I really get a brother/sister vibe. His protection of her is so sweet and older brothery, and I think they play it just right. Between this and the scene with the berries, I’m sold.
Sweeney: Same same. I’m a total fan of their whole sibling dynamic. Especially this scene, because it’s some Katniss Everdeen shit and I’m a total sucker for that.
This little stunt bought them just enough time for Serenity to arrive, telling the hill people that they have something of theirs. The Patron blah blahs about god’s will and Mal mentions Jayne hanging from the ship with a big gun and a lot of rage over this detour. He orders them to cut River down. Patron again insists that she’s a witch. “Yeah, but she’s our witch, so cut her down.”
Mari: I know it’s so manufactured but I LOVE this scene. Man, Firefly does these big saved in the nick of time scenes AMAZINGLY well. Know what that makes them? BIG DAMN HEROES.
This was so great and lovely! I feel silly ending each episode with, “YEAH, I LOVED THAT ONE TOO!” If you read the rest of this blog that I’ve already annoyed you with my endless love of sibling feels so this episode will probably be a favorite of mine. Additionally, it did some great work with the idea of establishing the new members of Serenity’s crew as belonging to it. I can’t say it was particularly subtle, but it also never felt ham-fisted. There was so much going on that Book and Simon’s conversations with Mal were just a lovely, simple way of making that underlying lesson/idea clear. Book really had to come right out and say it was good to be home, since he’d been barely conscious for most of the episode. We spent the whole episode gradually establishing Simon’s disconnect from his previous home while also showing him outright reject that village (before they went super crazy). In his case, though, it needed to be Mal who said it and confirmed that yeah, you belong here. I like that little balance, because it also says something about the relative self-assuredness of Book and Simon.
I mentioned this earlier, but to repeat: the flashbacks were really well done, IMO. They were well paced throughout the episode and did a fantastic job of contributing to the present-day narrative. I hate to mock such low-hanging fruit, but we’ve seen plenty of examples of bad flashbacks, from a narrative perspective, on PLL. Flashbacks that exist more to shock and awe us with information that was deliberately withheld. This was information that was always there, in subtle ways, but was brought to the forefront in a way that wove a really interesting story.
Next time on Firefly: Mal gets married. Kind of. And also not to one of us. See it all in S01 E06 – Our Mrs. Reynolds.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
