Previously: A badass mutant with electrical powers turned up, and we were all bummed that she didn’t join the Fang Gang.
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The House Always Wins
Kirsti: We open in the bad part of town. You can tell because there’s a smashed up car covered in graffiti in the foreground. A dude bursts through a door and runs into the street only to be confronted by Connor. Random dude wants to know what Connor is because nothing human can move that quickly. Connor knows exactly what random dude is though – a vampire. He taunts him as they start fighting. Up on a nearby rooftop, Angel is backseat fighting, being all “No, don’t do that!” and “Atta boy.”
Lorraine: I especially appreciate the “you’re talking too much,” advice. Really, Angel? Where was that advice a few seasons ago for Buffy?
K: RIGHT?! Cordy’s voice says that Connor is definitely his father’s son, and we pan up further still to her doing the floaty blue light thing in the sky. She says that Angel shouldn’t worry about Connor and should be spending a little more time GETTING HER THE HELL OUT OF FLOATY LAND.
Angel tilts his head a little, but it’s because the vampire is about to get away from Connor. Angel throws something into the street in front of the vamp, then hides before Connor can see him. Connor stakes the vamp and runs off. “I know you’re there. Watching me,” Angel says on the rooftop, and Floaty!Cordy gets all excited that he can hear her. But nope. It’s Fred and Gunn. They were curious about where Angel’s been disappearing to. They’re concerned that he’s distracted, which means not their best work, which means increased likelihood of death. He announces that they’re going on a retreat. Gunn’s all “Ew, like that Tibetan monastery you went to?” “Exactly,” Angel replies. That segue magics us across to Angel’s convertible driving past the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign on the Strip as Elvis sings us to the Electric Cellos.
Lor: That entire teaser was so cheesy, from Glowdelia’s commentary to the sudden, “LET’S GO TO VEGAS BECAUSE.” Oh, Angel.
K: Yup. After the credits, the Fang Gang (all three of them. THE FEELS ARE KILLING ME) are seizure cutting their way past various casinos on the Strip. Angel says they all deserve a vacation, and Gunn agrees. Fred, on the other hand, is more focused on the “Angel’s going to sing for Lorne who will put him back on his true path” side of things. Angel has very few fucks to give about this plan, and changes the subject to how much Vegas has changed since he was last there. He points to a casino and says that it used to be dunes. Gunn’s all “Whoa, they tore the Dunes down ten years ago!” but Angel means actual sand dunes. He apparently used to hang out with Bugsy Segal. Okay, show. Whatever. Anyway, Lorne is performing at the Tropicana, and they’re all taken aback because they thought he’d be at somewhere more discreet. But no – there’s a giant billboard of Lorne out the front that refers to him as “The Green Velvet Fog.” LOLOLOLOL.
Sweeney: Delightful. That sounds like a nickname we’d use if he weren’t a proper recurring character. Might have to adopt it anyway…
K: Absolutely. We can’t let canon like that go to waste! Cut to an audience cheering and a bunch of showgirls in green facepaint carrying giant feathered fans. Lorne emerges from their circle of fans wearing a sequined jacket. His name is spelled out behind him in lights. The Fang Gang stare in shock from the audience. On stage, Lorne starts to sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Fred suggests that the rest of the audience must think it’s like The Blue Man Group.
Lorne walks through the crowd, getting closer and closer to the Fang Gang’s table. Fred’s excited about seeing him and how he’ll react, while Gunn just hopes that Lorne doesn’t make him join in the awkward audience participation. But Lorne walks right past their table without even glancing at them. He heads over to a girl a few rows in front of them and gets her to sing with him. He then asks her name and what she’s celebrating. Vivian, and the fact that she’s about to leave for culinary school in Paris. The crowd cheers for her, and Lorne kisses her on the cheek before finishing the song.
Seizure cut to backstage. There’s a big crowd waiting outside the stage door, including the Fang Gang. Fred is fangirling while security guards keep everyone back from the door. Angel says that he thought the show was a little overdone, and reminisces about when he used to hang out with the Rat Pack. Fred asks what he’s going to sing for Lorne, but he says that there’s tons of time for that and maybe they should get their gamble on first. Uh, Angel? Remember what happened last time Gunn set foot in a casino? GANGSTA’S PARADISE, THAT’S WHAT. No gambling allowed, yo.
Lor: I feel like “you gamble, you Gangsta’s Paradise” is some version of a Snarky PSA. DON’T LET AWKWARD SONG CHOICES HAPPEN TO YOU.
K: We’re so good at life advice. (S: Snark Squad advice saves lives.) Just then, the door opens and Lorne comes out, flanked by more security guards. Fred calls out to him, but he gives the most superficial of replies before signing a few autographs and walking away. Angel tries to follow, but the guards stop him. Down the hall, a head guard type asks Lorne who his friends were. He replies that they were just old fans as they walk into his dressing room. (S: PROTECTING THEM?) The doors – with his name on them in green sparkly stars – close behind them. Inside, a Lornette brings Lorne a shot, which he downs before taking off his sparkly jacket. There’s a knock at the door and the casino owner walks in. He gushes at Lorne, saying that he was brilliant. Head Guard, meanwhile, has pulled out a seating plan of the theatre. Lorne asks if they can do this later because he’s tired, but Casino Boss says they should do it now. Lorne says that later would work better for him, and Head Guard punches him in the stomach. He doubles up in pain.
Casino Boss gets all up in his face, threatening the Lornettes. Lorne reluctantly points at the seating chart and rattles off the futures of three people who sang – one a future Nevada senator, one a Pulitzer winner, and Vivian who’s going to have three five-star restaurants within a decade. Casino Boss asks for more, but Lorne says that’s all there is. Casino Boss thanks Lorne for his cooperation and says that he should say the word if there’s anything he needs. Then he walks out, pushing a remote control which brings prison bars across the front of Lorne’s dressing room. Fade to black.
Sweeney: CALLED IT. I’m a little bummed that my prophecy didn’t come to full fruition, because this guy is decidedly un-fabulous, but still. BOOM. SNARKY PROPHET.
Lor: A+
K: Good job, Sweeney. After the Not Commercial Break, we’re at Wesley’s apartment. He’s on the phone to Lilah while a sketchy looking dude in a leather jacket reviews some paperwork. Wes tells Lilah that he’s not waiting by the door for her, but that maybe they could hook up later. Just then, he’s interrupted by a beep from call waiting. He switches across to the other line and asks them to hold. He turns to Sketchy Dude and asks if whatever’s in the papers can be put together for him. Sketchy Dude says it won’t be cheap, but Wes doesn’t want cheap. He just wants it done.
He turns his attention back to the phone, saying that if Angel’s out of town, they’ll obviously take his clients and that they should get back to him with details. He flicks back to Lilah, saying that their hook up might need to be later. She interrupts him, and apparently talks about her underwear because he suddenly instructs her to take them off. Now, not after the meeting she’s currently in. He tells Sketchy Guy to get out, then sits back on the sofa to give Lilah further phone-sex-while-in-a-meeting instructions. I hereby present my face while watching this scene:
Sweeney: YUP.
Lor: 3 FOR 3.
K: Glad I’m not alone. Back at the Tropicana, Gunn and Fred are sitting at the blackjack table. Angel’s worried about Lorne still not contacting them, but Gunn encourages him to relax and do some gambling, because fame makes you forget about the little people. Angel’s attention is drawn to a passing Lornette, carrying a tray of chips. She goes up to Vivian and congratulates her, handing her a chip. The chip shimmers for a second when it touches her palm. The Lornette informs Vivian that she’s been given the chance to play an exclusive promotional spin-to-win game, and that she could win a million dollars. All she has to do is show a security guard her chip and he’ll let her through the giant ominous curtains into the gaming area. Vivian is thrilled because she’s new to Traumaland and can’t spot the signs. She thanks the Lornette and heads behind the Curtains of Don’t Go In There.
Angel stops the Lornette and asks if she can take a note to Lorne for him. She refuses, saying it’s against the rules, but Angel says he’s an old friend and that he’d really appreciate it. He goes heavy on the puppy dog eyes, and she relents. She takes the note and says she’ll see what she can do. Angel turns to look at the Curtains of Don’t Go In There, then looks at the pokies around him. (S: LOL. Pokies = slot machines for all the non-Aussies.) (L: Ooooooooh. That was awkward for a second.) (K: Yeah, I should have twigged on that one. We abbreviate the shit out of everything, so poker machines become pokies.) Everyone is feeding coins into the machines as if on auto-pilot, no emotion, no interest. The camera zooms up to Cordy, who’s all “Yeah, something’s hinky here. You should investigate! Also, INVESTIGATE ME, YOU ASS.”
Lor: These Cordy bits are annoying me. If she comes back angry at Angel for not knowing she was in Glowverse, I might destroy innocent things.
K: Cut back to the blackjack table. Gunn has one chip left while Fred has a small pile in front of her. She says that she feels bad, and Gunn tells her not to because if he was as mathematical as she is, he’d be counting cards too. He says this in one of those stage whispers that’s totally louder than your normal speaking voice, because apparently he wants her to get hauled out by security??? She tells him that’s not it – she has a bad feeling about how Lorne’s acting.
Sweeney: Not sure why she didn’t get that bad feeling sooner, but I guess she had a few other things to worry about during their phone conversations.
K: Still, she should have twigged when he didn’t return their calls. Angel comes up and stands a few feet behind them. Gunn poo-poos her concerns, saying that they don’t need Lorne. “Angel does. I’m worried about him, Charles. Okay, I know he was right to send Connor away, but with Cordelia gone, the loneliness must be unbearable for him,” Fred replies. Two security guards appear on either side of Angel and drag him away. Fred and Gunn don’t notice. Fred wishes again that they knew what was going on with Lorne, and Gunn says they should go investigate. Partly because he wants Fred to feel better but mostly because he’s out of chips. They notice that Angel’s gone, but Gunn’s not worried. He says that Angel’s probably having better luck than he is.
Lor: Gunn has been out of it and him and Fred have been noticeably out of sync. Anyone smell hints?
K: Cut to Angel being beaten up by the security guards in an alley. They tell him that stalking is creepy and he should never come back because they’ll remember his face. Obviously, he vamps out and they freak. He knocks them both out, then says “This place was so much friendlier when the Mob ran it…” and turns to head back inside. He bumps into Vivian, who’s now in an auto-pilot trance. He apologises, but she keeps walking. She walks into the street and nearly gets hit by a taxi. Angel shoves her out the way and asks if she’s okay. She says that she’s out of quarters and needs to get more so she can play to win.
Meanwhile, Fred and Gunn are peering around a corner to Lorne’s heavily guarded dressing room doors. They agree that they should go and get Angel so that they can take down the security guards. Just then, a Lornette walks out of an adjacent dressing room. Fred and Gunn share a look. Cut to a Lornette walking out of the dressing room carrying a martini on a tray. She heads up to Lorne’s door, and the camera pans up to reveal Fred. I really want to know how much time has passed, because putting on that much green body paint, getting into that ridiculous outfit AND curling your hair has to take a while…
Sweeney: Indeed. This wasn’t just a quick snag-the-janitor’s-clothes operation. That’s some dedication right there.
Lor: Meanwhile, Gunn doesn’t even have a smart phone or a book. One can only hope he at least had Snake.
K: Probably not. It would have attracted attention from the guards when he inevitably swore over dying. Anyway, the guards say that Lorne’s already had his drink. She awkwards, and they decide that she must be there to give Lorne some pre-show sexual favours. They tell her not to be nervous because Lorne doesn’t bite. Not with his mouth, anyway. Speaking of mouths, there’s vomit in mine. She goes to head inside, and one of the guards stops her. Down the corridor, Gunn looks panicky. But the guy just tells Fred that she missed a few spots on the back of her neck and that she should fix them before she goes on stage. She laughs nervously and heads through the door.
She walks into the room and is attacked by a bottle-wielding Lorne. He stops himself just in time, and apologises. It takes a minute before he realises it’s Fred. When he does, he’s ecstatic and hugs her, saying that it’s about time they rescued him. She’s defensive, and says they didn’t know he needed a rescue mission. He informs her that all those times they called and he asked how Fluffy was, it was about her non-existent dog, and also some kind of universally recognised code for “I’m being held prisoner, please rescue me.” Lorne, honey. That’s a code that should be worked out ahead of schedule… Fred asks who his captor is, and he informs her that Casino Boss used to be a second rate magician until he got his hands on some real magic. And now he’s a total psycho who’s using Lorne to ruin people’s lives. “Using you how?” Fred asks.
That segue magics us over to the room behind the Curtains of Don’t Go In There. A roulette wheel is spinning in the middle of the table and Angel’s being asked to leave by the security guard because he doesn’t have an invite. He breaks the guard’s arm. The dealer tells him to GTFO, but Casino Boss appears from the shadows and says he can stay. And that he can play. He throws Angel a chip. Angel catches it and flips it onto the table dismissively, before saying that he wants to know what happened to a girl who came in there. Casino Boss asks him to be more specific, but Angel says he doesn’t have to. On the table, Angel’s chip shimmers, and slides back from the wheel on its own. Casino Boss pleads ignorance and Angel starts to say that he’ll jog his memory, but the dealer interrupts with “House wins!” He sweeps the chips away, and Angel’s face becomes expressionless. Casino Boss hands out cups of quarters with the casino’s compliments and encourages Angel to try his luck on the pokies. Angel thanks him blankly, then walks out of the room with the other players. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Gunn’s peering around the corner at Lorne’s dressing room. Fred screams from within, then runs out with her eyes covered. She tells the guards that Lorne attacked her with laser beams from his horns and then escaped. One of them mentions that there’s no other way out, and she quickly comes up with a story that he vomited up his entire skeleton and then slithered down the bathroom sink. LOLOLOLOL, oh Fred. The guards rush into the room, one of them reporting a Code Green via walkie-talkie. After they’re in the room, Lorne – now wearing a black fedora and a long coat over his flashy suit – scurries out. He and Fred hold the doors closed as Gunn rushes up to secure them with the tie from a nearby curtain. They run off as Lorne says that they need the big guns and asks where Angel is.
Cut to the casino security room. Head Guard walks up to Casino Boss, and hands him a piece of paper. It’s a dossier on Angel. Head Guard informs Casino Boss that Angel has a soul and was to be a major player in the apocalypse. (“Which one?” says Buffy all the way from Sunnydale.) Casino Boss tells Head Guard to get their brokers on it straight away, and also to place a call to “that weirdo law firm in Los Angeles.” (L: “Which one?” says Lorraine all the way from Florida.)
Casino floor. The Fang Gang find Angel at a pokie machine. Gunn says that they need to go, and ask if Angel can hold off the security guards for a little bit. Angel says “Okay,” then goes right back to gambling. Gunn asks him for the car keys and says that they’ll pick him up at the end of the block. Angel “okay”s again, so Fred, Gunn and Lorne rush off. Angel moves to the next pokie machine and keeps right on gambling.
Fred, Gunn and Lorne take a wrong exit from the casino and end up in Glitter Gulch. They try to work out which way the car is, but the crowds and lights disorient them. Security guards move through the crowd and they duck until the guards have moved past, then scurry away. As they walk, Gunn asks how Casino Boss is ruining people’s lives. Lorne info-dumps that Casino Boss is using him to read people and select those with valuable destinies. They then get invited to play the spin-to-win game, but it’s rigged so that the house always wins. Here, Lorne, have a gold star:
Sweeney: He’s been having a rough few months. Hope that helps!
K: We can but hope. Anyway, their destinies end up imprinted on the chip they were given, so when the house wins, they take the destinies and sell them on the black market to the highest bidder, who can then use it to change THEIR lives. (L: NEAT. Evil, but neat.) Gunn asks what happens to the newly destiny-less. Lorne says that they end up unable to accomplish anything ever again, and most of them just stay in the casino, shovelling coins into the pokies. This makes Gunn twig that Angel’s been de-destinied. Fred uh-ohs, and Gunn’s all “Damn straight!” She’s not talking about Angel, though. She’s talking about the numerous guards rushing towards them. Gunn suggests that they fight for their lives, but Lorne spots a group of musicians not far away. He rushes over, and belts a high note into the microphone. Everyone around covers their ears, and all the bulbs in the light displays start to explode. They rush away in all the confusion.
They stop not far away, though, because apparently they’re idiots?? IDK. Fred tells Lorne that the high note was a great idea. Gunn, on the other hand, wants to know why Lorne sold Angel out, and was the high life really worth it? He wants to know why Lorne didn’t just say no. Lorne informs him that he did say no. And Casino Boss’ response was to blow a Lornette’s brains out right in front of him, and to tell him that that’s what would happen every time he refused to cooperate. Gunn somewhat reluctantly apologises.
Seizure cut to them pulling up outside the Tropicana in Angel’s car. Gunn tells Fred and Lorne to stay put while he finds Angel, and to leave the engine running so they can escape quickly. He heads inside and finds Angel still feeding quarters into the pokies. He tells Angel that they have to go, but Angel just continues to gamble. Just then, Head Guard appears and says that they’re not going anywhere. Fred and Lorne are being held by guards behind him. The guards take the three of them away, and Angel goes back to his pokies. Fade to black.
Lor: Just popping in to say we’re almost done with the recap and “pokies” is still funny.
K: This doesn’t surprise me at all, because you still find “rubbish bin” funny, and that was over two years ago. After the Not Commercial Break, we’re in the security office. Casino Boss bitches at Lorne about how inconvenient his escape attempt was, and Lorne says that he’ll play monkey to Casino Boss’ organ grinder, but only on the condition that no one gets hurt. Casino Boss says that’s fine because Fred and Gunn will be dead before they feel anything. Cut to Glowdelia, who’s pissed that she can see all, but can’t do anything to help. She spies Angel at his pokie machine. He feeds in his last quarter, and gets two double diamonds and a seven. A second later, the seven changes to another double diamond, and the machine starts paying out. A siren goes off, and people rush over to congratulate Angel.
Up in the security office, Casino Boss tells his people to take Fred and Gunn out to the desert and shoot them, and to take Lorne along to watch. As they’re marched out, Head Guard informs Casino Boss that they have a winner. He’s irate, because EPISODE TITLE. Angel’s apparently just won a little over $300,000 and a car. “Pretty good haul for someone with no destiny, huh?” Lorne sasses. Casino Boss yells at his people to keep trading destinies and to bring Angel to him.
Three guards drag Angel and his empty quarter cup into the security office. Casino Boss asks for answers. Angel just says that the room is familiar, so Head Guard punches him in the face. Casino Boss asks him how he did it, and Angel replies “I put a quarter in the slot, and I pulled that little lever.” Casino Boss decides that it was a fluke, and orders the guards to give Angel his winnings in quarters (DUDE. That’s over 6.8 metric tons worth of quarters. I think your plan is flawed…) and to take the others out to the desert.
Lor: With his new quarter haul, I’m sure Angel can hire some trucks to get his money back to LA.
K: Yeah, but he’d be horrified about the cost, given that he thought 50c a week was adequate pocket money for Connor. No wonder Connor dumped him in the ocean. A guard shoves Gunn, then punches him. Gunn falls to the ground. Fred tries to defend him and gets a gun pointed in her face. Angel stares at the gun for a second, then vamps out and attacks the gun-holding guard. Gunn and Fred attack some of the other guards. Casino Boss orders the guards to shoot. One does, but hits Head Guard instead. Lorne grabs a baton from one of the downed guards, and heads towards the mystical device that Casino Boss is using to steal destinies. Casino Boss scurries forward and steps in front of the device. He promises Lorne whatever he wants.
Lorne steps forward and smashes the device. It explodes, and Casino Boss falls to the floor with burns on his face. Colourful wisps of light come floating out of the machine, and float back to their various owners, who snap out of their trances. Angel snaps out of his, and looks around the room, saying again that it’s familiar. Down on the casino floor, he works it out – that’s where Elvis and Priscilla’s wedding reception was. He reminisces happily while the Fang Gang keep walking, rolling their eyes as they go.
Seizure cut to LA. The gang are walking up through the courtyard of the Hyperion. Angel wants to know how he managed to win on the pokie machine and how he was able to fight when he had no destiny. Lorne suggests that maybe the first was Lady Luck smiling down on him and the second was because his friends were in danger. They’re part of his destiny and no one can take that away. Angel’s unconvinced. He and Lorne head inside. Fred and Gunn follow, a few steps behind. They walk through the doors to find Angel stopped dead in front of them. Cordelia’s standing in the lobby in a long white robe. All three of them stare in shock, then Angel says Cordy’s name. Her eyes narrow slightly, and she says “Who are you people?” Fade to black.
Well. I didn’t hate this episode, but I didn’t love it either. It felt REALLY long for some reason, and was fairly contrivance-tastic. Plus, it forced me to use the word “destiny” FAR too many times. But I’m thrilled that Lorne’s back, and excited that Cordy’s back, if only so we can stop dealing with those stupid glowy light in the sky shots.
Sweeney: Yeah, I’m still dismayed by how how boring Lorne’s captor was, but YAY for bringing more members of the Fang Gang back into the fold!
Next time: Cordy’s back but she’s got amnesia. Obviously, Wolfram & Hart are interested. Find out more in Angel S04 E04 – Slouching Towards Bethlehem.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
