Pretty Little Liars S02 E22 – A-ccomplice

Previously: Piper Mom had Parental Eyebrow Laser Hair Removal when she gave Pedzria a chance to “talk” about their eternal lurve. Gossip Cop showed up to talk to Emily about Maya.
—

Father Knows Best

Sweeney: Emily returns home after Hanna has already gone to bed, but Hanna turns the lights on. She doesn’t want to talk about it. The cops asked her a lot of questions, and Maya’s parents received a note, but she doesn’t know much else because LOL police. Emily mostly wants Hanna to STFU and let her go to bed, which Hanna finally does.

Elsewhere, Melissa is telling Spencer that she ditched her for Garrett because he’s been totes a good friend to her lately and she’s sure Ian didn’t really kill Ali and also, “LOOK, I WENT TO THE POLICE!” Girl, have you not gotten the memo? Talking to Rosewood PD about your issues is either the shadiest or dumbest way to solve your problems. And you’re way too smart for me to assume the latter. Except she also thinks she might have shared a stupid amount of information with Garrett.

Melissa goes on to explain to Spencer that her father was behaving in a super shady way around the time of Ali’s disappearance. Her parents had been fighting all summer and then it stopped when Ali went missing and Shitbag Hastings seemed “relieved,” which is a fucking creepy way to react to news like that, particularly when we’re talking about a teenage girl with such incredibly close proximity to your own teenage daughter. Shortly before Ali went missing, Melissa saw Ali flirting with Ian and sent her a bunch of text messages telling her to back the fuck off. You knew she was 14, right Melissa? Whatever. She apparently told all of this to Garrett and is now recognizing that this was maybe a terrible idea.

Spencer tells Melissa that she needs to start being real fucking careful about who she runs her mouth to about her murder suspect family. (Which, fucking duh. I’m still not going to say I spoke too soon on calling Melissa smart rather than shady, because I’m sure Melissa’s not telling Spencer everything.) Spencer tells Melissa about Ali blackmailing their dad and all the money Jason found. Shitbag promised Spencer he didn’t give her any money but Melissa says that sounds like bullshit.

Sara: This family has some serious trust issues. For valid reasons, but still. Yeesh.

Sweeney: I’m so conflicted because my instincts are to assume that Shitbag Hastings and Melissa are always evil and not to be trusted. WHO SHOULD I MOST NOT TRUST RIGHT NOW?

Sara: EVERYONE. YOU SHOULD NOT TRUST EVERYONE.

Sweeney: SHHHH.

Piper Mom comes into Aria’s room to tell her that Shitbag Montgomery is on his way home from some conference and is excited about an upcoming father-daughter dance. (I love PLL for keeping excessive dances and insane drama that makes no sense part of the blog’s regular lineup – it makes me long for SVH, but that’s probably because I never had to actually read those books.) Aria says that a father-daughter dance is more irony than she can handle right now and I’m not even sure what this is supposed to mean. How ironic it will be for her, a child whose dating of grown men speaks to srsbsns daddy issues? IDK.

Lorraine: That was my legit first thought, though I guess the fetus means because she hates her father right now? Irony is a difficult concept for babies. In other news, what the hell is Aria even wearing?? Floral top, leopard print skirt and red snow boots is what. THIS GIRL.

Sweeney: Aria’s fashion choices are often otherworldly terrible. I’d say that we need to rename the badge, but it’s hard to see another fictional character matching her propensity for fashion disaster. Willow’s a more moderate choice.

Anyway, Aria just wants Piper Mom to talk to her dad about her new support of their relationship and Piper Mom’s all, “Hold up. I got my eyebrows permanently removed over that, so maybe I should pump the breaks and also we shouldn’t tell your father?” Aria’s confused because a thing in her life appears to be not working out and it does not compute.

Sara: This is now the third?.. fourth time? that Aria has been asked to lie to one of her parents by the other parent. I hate this family so much. Piper Mom is officially my least favorite mom now. MOAR ASHLEY PLEASE.

Sweeney: Piper Mom is the fucking worst. Even Spencer’s terrible mother is terrible primarily for her favoritism – she’s at least a good mother to Melissa most of the time. Piper Mom just sucks.

Ashley’s in her kitchen when she receives a call from Detective Wilden. She’s super pissed because she told this bitch not to call her at home. He tries to be assertive back about her not getting Hanna to tell her where the report came from. Ashley puts him in his place and tells him to shut the fuck up and get to work figuring out who is harassing her daughter and to never call this number again. She hangs up. The dialogue is pretty hilarious, but not nearly as hilarious as when she hangs up on him and we hear the dial tone and Detective Wilden still says, “Ashley. Ashley!” Do you know how phones work?

Hanna comes downstairs and she’s upset because Shitbag Marin bailed on this episode’s dance because he’s the worst. She tries to shrug it off and pretend it’s NBD. But this episode title doesn’t know shit because Mama Ashley Knows Best and suggests that she take Hanna to the dance, because who needs to adhere to some weird sexist norms anyway? Hanna resists at first, because she’s afraid it would be embarrassing to advertise her divorced-parent status, but Ashley says that’s a silly reason to miss out on something she was looking forward to. Hanna’s in. PRECIOUS. Infinite Sandy Cohen Eyebrows for you, Ashley. Enough to knit into a horrifyingly gross, fugly sweater, or something.

Lor: …out of eyebrows? Sweeney, what is that thought? (Though if anyone deserves an eyebrow sweater, it’s Ashley.)

Sweeney: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. IT WAS LATE AND I WAS TIRED. I TAKE IT BACK.

At The Rosewood Center For Loudly Discussing The People Who Hate You In Front Of Half The People Who Hate You, the PLLs are discussing A texts and the latest on Melissa. Spencer insists that the texts coming from Melissa’s work is NBD, because she was too busy harassing Ali for, um, other reasons? Also, she cried and stuff about Ian, so totally not A. The other girls all eyeroll and get shifty-eyed. Unfortunately, they recognize their terrible history with Rosewood PD, and decide to let Spencer have some time to Nancy Drew this on her own.

She goes home and finds a major bling present from her dad for the dance. Melissa says it’s a whole lot of overcompensating, and probably part of a larger pattern of trying to buy people off. HINT HINT WINK WINK. I was sure he was guilty of something for a while, but now that Melissa – shady, awful, older sister of Spencer Hastings and her famous Loud & Wrong Syndrome – is insisting that he’s guilty I now think that maybe he’s just guilty of being an abysmal father, husband, and human being, but probably not a murderer/stalker.

Sara: Remember when he bought her chocolate because he was a terrible human being? Great track record, Shitbag Hastings!

Sweeney: Speaking of, he enternounces that he really wanted to see the look on her face when she opened the present and creeps about how glad he is that she’s speechless. He makes her promise to wear it to the dance. Spencer’s earnestness and desperate wish to believe her family members are good people breaks my heart.

Elsewhere, actual good person Ashley Marin is meeting Detective Wilden in his car. She puts him in his place immediately and tells him to get to the chase. Detective Wilden wants Hanna’s phone, though, and Rosewood’s best parent is having a bit of a struggle. Questionable judgment is her only known weak spot.

Hanna and Mona are walking around Rosewood and being cute friends as Mona makes the kind of inappropriate jokes about her community service woes that you can only make to your BFF. This is interrupted by Mona spotting this little rendezvous because they are both morons for parking the car on a busy street. Everyone knows you conduct shady meetings in dark alleys! Come on!

Lor: I can’t even tell you how much I laughed. I mean, Ashley climbs into his car, and it’s dark outside and you’re all, “oh, okay. Secret rendezvous.” Except a second later, it’s revealed they’re just parked on the Rosewood’s main drag. LOL. RIGHT. GOOD JOB GUYS. 

Sweeney: Back at home, Hanna confronts Ashley about this. Ashley explains that she found the report and that she went to Wilden to try to figure out who is going after Hanna. Hanna’s pissed, though, because Wilden is a terrible person to trust. She storms off, leaving her phone. Ashley stares at it for a second, but Hanna comes back for it.

Montgomery Manse. Mike is shaving now! He makes jokes about how he doesn’t really have much to shave and he’s still my favorite Montgomery because he’s precious, even though he doesn’t like pancakes. (L: We will never forget.) The Great Contrivance Spirit says that Mike is going to be DJing the dance because this actor was probably contracted for a certain number of episodes this season. Also, he overheard Aria and Piper Mom talking and knows that the Pedolationship is still sort of on and thinks that Aria should go dance with her dad to help hide that. Mike secures my favorite status by, in the most non-confrontational way, asks her why she chose to stay in this relationship if it was so much trouble. Unfortunately, Aria does her, “WHEN YOU’RE IN LURVE, YOU FIGHT FOR IT!” thing.

Which, you know, UGH. Teenagers everywhere, your relationship is probably not srsbsns enough for it to be a thing that you have to ~*fight for*~. For teens and adults a like: two people who consistently ruin each other’s lives probably just shouldn’t be together.

BUT OMG GOOD NEWS: Rosewood’s Magic Unicorn of Good Fathering, Papa Fields, has returned for the dance! BEST. He and Emily are catching up in the Marin kitchen. She confesses about Maya’s running away. He consoles her by talking about the time he put his own parents through hell by running away, and agrees to spend the whole day with her being a good father and I’m just so overwhelmed.

From one extreme to the next: Shitbag Montgomery goes into Spencer’s room and can tell that Spencer’s still uneasy, but continues his quest to buy back her affection with reservations at her favorite restaurant. Then he peaces out to go be shady somewhere else.

Sara: I want to give my own dad a hug after all this sad, terrible parenting.

Sweeney: So much.

Once he leaves, Spencer sneaks into his office and starts rummaging through his shit. She realizes that one of the desk drawers is locked. She finds that a drawer containing all of their tax information is not locked. She pulls out the 2009 file and goes through it, finding that he withdrew $15,000 cash, no explanation. I would say that the level of detail in that file is super convenient (see also: contrived) but I don’t actually question that the parents of Spencer Hastings would be this insanely meticulous. I mean, yes, there’s totes some contrivance at work here, but it’s not that far-fetched. Unfortunately, she hears a noise.

After a Not Break, it turns out to only be Melissa. Spencer hastily tidies up and lies that she was just looking for a stamp before running off.

Elsewhere, Emily is getting her search on with her amazing father. She shows a guy who works at the bus station a photo of Maya on her phone, and she’s super frantic about it. The guy aint got time for that. Papa Fields steps up and pulls the JUST A HUMBLE SERVICEMAN HERE card, and suddenly the guy gets a lot friendlier. He looks at the picture again and acknowledges that he did sell her a ticket to San Francisco. He notes that he also saw her talking to someone in a dark car and when he looked back, both Maya and the car were gone. He can’t confirm whether or not Maya actually got on the bus.

Montgomery Manse. Shitbag Montgomery awkwardly tells Aria the dresses she’s choosing between look pretty. She cold shoulders him something fierce, but softens a little when he says how important this dance is to him.

Sara: Even when Shitbag Montgomery is trying, I still can’t bring myself to care. 

Lor: But I also don’t care about Aria’s little brat-fits. This is like the equivalent of deciding which Hasting to trust the least. WHICH MONTGOMERY DO YOU CARE LEAST ABOUT?

Sweeney: ALL OF THEM. CARE THE LEAST ABOUT ALL OF THEM! (Jokes: all of them except for Mike.)

Marin Manor. Emily gets out of the shower to discover that she has a missed call from Maya. She calls back, but Maya’s voicemail is full.

Downstairs, Hanna is leaving and also perfecting the give-my-parents-the-cold-shoulder routine, but Ashley gets Hanna to stick around long enough to have some semblance of a conversation. Hanna’s only told her what she wants to tell her and Ashley is asking her for the rest of the story. Who did the police report come from and why? Hanna doesn’t answer, so Ashley says that she needs to give up her phone, but Hanna refuses. Ashley insists, so Hanna tosses it into the full sink. Being phoneless for a little while is probably a relief for Hanna.

At the dance, Emily tells her dad about the call. Then she apologizes for the fact that she spent their entire time together looking for Maya. He doesn’t care because he just wants to spend time with her because he’s spent enough time out of Rosewood to keep being the best forever. Unfortunately, he’s going to spend a lot more time because he has to go back to Afghanistan soon. OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO KILL HIM OFF, AREN’T THEY? Between Rosewood’s aversion to good fathering and Emily’s need for plots that aren’t about her being a lesbian…SHOW, DON’T DO IT. Mama Fields continues her point earnings – she stayed in Texas both to pack up the house and also to allow Emily to have some quality father-daughter time. Man, I just want this perfect little family to be together. STOP TORMENTING ME SHOW!

Inside, the father-daughter from my least favorite family are having an awkward conversation in which Shitbag Montgomery tries to be nostalgic and Aria brushes him off. She sees Hanna outside and he goes to get punch, so she sneaks off.

Naturally, Aria walks up to Hanna at the same time as Emily, Spencer, and Mona. Hanna’s there to tell them about the situation with her mom. Mona knew that she was going to be privy to this information (what with the police report having come from A by way of Mona…who probably is A but that’s not the point) so that’s why she happened to join this party. Aria points out that this is scary not only because of Wilden’s involvement, but also because now both of their mothers are asking questions. Spencer says that they need a creative solution, but that’s all she’s got.

Mona has an idea, but she insists that she’s a bad liar which, um, LOL. She asks which one of them is best at keeping secrets from people that are close to them (which sounds like a sweet-voiced reading of an A text) and Hanna, Emily, and Spencer all immediately point at Aria. LOL. Her conviction that nothing bad will ever happen to her probably helps. Aria asks Mona what her lie is, but Mona just sighs so that we can learn it later.

Sara: I think it’s also that Aria is so dumb, she can literally convince herself of a lie if she says it out loud enough.

Lor: She’s also got those enormous eyes. I think they kind of hypnotize people.

Sweeney: I also love that Mona is half rolling her eyes at herself as she tells them she’s terrible at telling big lies because she’s totes an A-ccomplice.

Inside, its time to watch Spencer and her dad be awkward and uncomfortable together. They take a photo and he tries to be cutesy. Spencer’s not having it and walks off, saying that he kept big secrets like an asshole. She says she doesn’t want to be like that, so she confesses to snooping in his office and finding that check stub for $15,000 cash…right around the time Ali went missing. He’s all, “BUT YOU WENT IN MY OFFICE?” without addressing the issue at all.

Shitbag Montgomery is all excited to take a photo with Aria, but she’s gotta go shave her hands and be a giant brat. It’s no secret that I hate Papa Montgomery, but I felt bad for him here because she’s being her usual bratty self, insisting that she’s not his little girl anymore because she has a 32 year old soul and a pedolationship.

Outside Rosewood Center for Events to Wear Pretty Dresses To, Spencer has stepped outside for air. She sees someone ride up on a motorcycle and is sure that it’s Toby, but I’m sure it’s just a stunt double. (You know, for the stunt of motorcycle riding.) She calls out to him but he rides off the other direction. I MISS TOBY. Bring him back.

Inside, Emily’s still sad about her father’s impending departure/doom and he continues to be an amazing real parent.

Marin Manor. It’s time for Mona’s plan to go into effect. Aria lies to Ashley and says that she sent the report to Hanna to scare her because she knows that Hanna has been shoplifting again. Ashley asks how Aria got it and she says that she made it up herself. AND ARIA CONFESSES TO BEING A.

I know it’s a non-confession in-show, but that’s irrelevant. Aria apologizes and Ashley is super understanding and says she’ll take it from here.

Sara: I love the whole, “A for Anonymous, A for Aria,” thing. She’s so cute when she’s not being the absolute fucking worst.

Sweeney: Back in Shitbag Hastings’s office, he’s checking his stuff and asks what all she touched and whether she opened the locked drawer. She swears she did not because of it being locked. He calls to report a break-in because his gun is now missing. He then leaves the room with all of his shady stuff sitting on his desk so that Spencer has plenty of time to go through it and find his creepgusting file folder filled with a ton of photos of Ali. I can think of no level on which that’s not gross and creepy.

Montgomery Manse. My BFF Mike (S: +1) is sitting in bed reading when Shitbag Montgomery interrupts him. Rudeness. He wants to know if Mike has seen Aria yet, but he hasn’t. Then he puts a serious strain on our friendship by telling Shitbag that perhaps he’s been too hard on Aria, what with his not asking why she lied. To be fair, Mike’s whole point was, “You guys should have used your words,” with an undercurrent of, “We all know I’m the best member of this family.”

Spencer sets the folder on the counter. He says he gathered those photos for a private investigator which, you know, ew. But don’t worry, guys! It’s totally fine that he amassed dozens of photos of a teenage girl to give to a PI and then kept those photos for over a year because he was looking into her murder! Not because of that murder’s proximity to his own daughter, of course. LOL. He shelled out $15,000 cash to look into the murder of another rich child because he was concerned that his shitty eldest daughter might have been the murderer, what with all of her harassing text messages. Yep, I still hate him and Melissa both forever.

Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the cops. After a Not Break, Melissa sneaks up on Spencer. She tells Spencer that she doesn’t think she can stay there with everything that’s happening so she’s peacing the fuck out. She assures Spencer that she can come stay with her whenever to be “kept safe.” Or murdered. Whatever.

The next morning, Ashley and Piper Mom are discussing Aria’s lie, which Ashley knew was a lie. Piper Mom fills her in on the first A letter she ever received. Ashley’s adamant about getting the police involved, but Piper Mom is wary because A knows things that could hurt Aria. BUT BITCH DOESN’T DO ANYTHING WITH IT. Don’t worry about it.

Sara: But hey! The moms are figuring stuff out! I still think Piper Mom is the worst, but this is a nice development.

Lor: It’s seriously taken FOREVER for anyone to realize that they are being super stalked, but at least we’ve reached this, “maybe something’s up?” point. Cool.

Sweeney: Yeah, way too slow on the uptake. No points, Piper Mom.

Montgomery Manse. Aria and Hanna are freaking out because they’re not sure if the lie worked or not. Aria’s phone rings and it’s Jonah. Turns out that there was someone else sending Ali text messages. He doesn’t have a precise address, but he has a one block radius, so all the PLLs go there.

They look around for a bit and aren’t sure what they’re looking for, but they spot a #creepyasshit toy store with a bunch of mutilated babydolls in the window. It’s horrifying.

Aria is cold and goes back to her car to grab the red Vivian Darkbloom jacket. She puts it on and then some dude behind her calls out to Vivian, because apparently there’s only one brunette with shiny princess hair and a red coat in all of Rosewood.

A-nonymous: A is buying a copy of The Rosewood Observer with Maya on the front page. These segments are always such a waste of 30 seconds. Thank you for telling us nothing new, except that A – in spite of his/her/its love of fake high tech stalking – has a soft spot for traditional media. Cool tidbit.

 

Next time: Toby and his abs are back in town in Pretty Little Liars S02 E23 – Eye of the Beholder.