Sweeney: You could think of this post as late, or you could think of it is as a nice little reminder of all the fun we had at the beginning of the month. Two weeks in internet time is like years so now it’s time to get all nostalgic and reflect on our most recent #snarkathon adventure.
This month we watched I Know Who Killed Me and there’s not a whole lot to say about this movie. It’s basically The Parent Trap with strippers, artificial limbs, and torture porn.
Our girl Lindsay Lohan is not only characters in the story, but also narrating the story as some sort of class project – you know, for those days where your teachers have you read out shitty horror stories. I never did figure out whether or not storytelling!Lindsay was the same as either of the other Lindsays. Normally this is the kind of thing I’d rewind and analyze for the sake of a recap, but I’m quite committed to never watching this movie again.
Story within the story: Lindsay is alternatively a stripper and a girl quitting piano lessons. (This is the AU in which Annie and Hallie never meet at summer camp. Annie grows up to be Aubrey/piano!Lindsay and Hallie gets the bleak future of Dakota/stripper!Lindsay.)
I was somewhat vindicated by her discovery that her stepdad lied to her mother and bought a baby from a crackwhore. I don’t really understand how/why this happened either. The crackwhore had twins, but he only needed the one, so the purchased baby grew up to be piano!Lindsay and the other grew up to be Christian Grey stripper!Lindsay. At first he’s thinking it’s probably better for them both to die than for anyone to find out about that time he bought a baby, but eventually agrees to help stripper!Lindsay whose magic twin powers lead her to piano!Lindsay’s location. We learn that she was being tortured by her piano teacher and the stepdad gets murdered for his trouble. Of course, stripper!Lindsay manages to off the piano teacher and dig up piano!Lindsay in her pretty white virginal dress, all while carrying around her bionic leg with its dead battery.
There was also some really deep stuff with the colors red and blue which were directly explained at some point in the movie but I have blocked this out. If that made zero sense to you, then I have successfully recreated the experience of watching the movie, without the additional 45 minutes of torture porn. You’re welcome.
Here are some of the highlights from Twitter:
WHY IS SHE ORANGE? Is this Willy Wonka? Is she an Oompa Loompa? #snarkathon
— Ashlea (@AKobukowski) January 4, 2014
@LateLorraine That's what my hands looked like after I got a spray tan to be Snooki for Halloween. #snarkathon #grossthings
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
Next time someone is late meeting me, I'm just going to stand there and yell their name. Should work. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
"DUDE, WHERE ARE MY LIMBS?" is a really fucked up way to wake up. #snarkathon
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) January 4, 2014
I Know Who Killed Me: Torture Porn for Blue Man Group enthusiasts. #snarkathon
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
I guess she can really quit piano now? #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
The crack whore always dies. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
"We can put all this behind us" is a weird thing to say to someone who lost two limbs. #snarkathon
— Clémbama Polgama (@polgeclement) January 4, 2014
"Fuzz," she asked if he was the "fuzz," because all poor people were raised by the 1940s. #snarkathon
— it's all in my head (@BlameMyBrain) January 4, 2014
"Do I look like I'm in a fucking coma?" is my new favourite thing. #snarkathon
— Melbourne on my Mind (@melbsonmymind) January 4, 2014
This is like when Ned bought Sansa a doll after Lady died. But like stupid. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
Guys, there is a whole crew of people who worked on this movie and thought, "Yeah, this coming along great and mysterious" #snarkathon
— Stephanie (@stephynee) January 4, 2014
Okay, that giant-nosed lady who hired her is my new fashion icon. #snarkathon
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
THIS IS TOO AWFUL. NO ONE ALLOWED ALL OF THIS TO OCCUR. IT WAS THE DELETED SCENES OF TWELVE OTHER FILMS. #snarkathon
— Ashley Sweeney (@TinyLionRoars) January 4, 2014
FUCK YOU FOR NOT SEEING THE GUY WHO CHOPPED YOUR LIMBS OFF. WE HATE YOU. — The FBI. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
"I have never sold my body to hairy old men, because I am perfect." #snarkathon
— Ashley Sweeney (@TinyLionRoars) January 4, 2014
Did he seriously just ask the FBI agents for condoms? He deserved to get laughed at. #snarkathon
— Melbourne on my Mind (@melbsonmymind) January 4, 2014
Everyone should be way more worried about HIV than they currently are. #blood #snarkathon
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
Her makeup looks like that one time I used a Youtube tutorial to do a smokey eye on myself #snarkathon #notcute
— Stephanie (@stephynee) January 4, 2014
Also, what bus line in the United States are you allowed to smoke on in the 21st century? #snarkathon
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
Wait, is this a different mom than the other mom? I don't understand ANYTHING. #snarkathon
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
"Aubrey, please, just shut the fuck up." #parenting101 #snarkathon
— Ashley Sweeney (@TinyLionRoars) January 4, 2014
DID YOU HEAR HOW MURDERY HE SOUNDED WHEN HE TOLD HER TO STFU? GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY. #snarkathon
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) January 4, 2014
It was in Lindsay Lohan's contract that she had to be allowed to chainsmoke throughout the entire movie. #snarkathon
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) January 4, 2014
Went to get #PIE. Asked @TinyLionRoars what I missed. "It's just been dark and she's been breathing." #snarkathon
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) January 4, 2014
"I'm not trying to prove you wrong. I'm really just trying to help you see." I'mma use that on Spike supporters. LOL. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
Oh my god. Enchanted mirrors and roses? WHAT IS THIS. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
GIRL. Are you trying to reattach your severed finger with duct tape?? #snarkathon
— Melbourne on my Mind (@melbsonmymind) January 4, 2014
Funniest part of this movie is Dakota using http://t.co/LeLbFvMiNN to search things. #snarkathon
— Stephanie (@stephynee) January 4, 2014
You know that feeling when your phone is all BEEP BEEP. 5% battery! Now imagine your phone were your leg. Yeaaaaah. #snarkathon #tragedy
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
I wonder how someone colorblind could appreciate this movie. They would miss on all the deep subtle symbolism. #snarkathon
— Clémbama Polgama (@polgeclement) January 4, 2014
This might be my favorite twin story since Crazy Margo in the Sweet Valley Evil Twin mini-series. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
Also, this:
Who suggested this movie? You are going in the shame corner with everyone who suggested Angel. #snarkathon
— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) January 4, 2014
Any other deep thoughts on the cinematic genius that is I Know Who Killed Me? Share your thoughts and your recovery stories in the comments.
Next month we are gathering with the internet alone-together to watch watch Scream 4. Tune in with us on Saturday, February 1st at 5pm EST. (10pm UTC) Play along on Twitter with the #snarkathon hashtag and join the Google Hangout.