Previously: Jenna got busted driving-while-pretend-blind, though she thinks the Liars owe it to her to keep her secret.
—
Birds of a Feather
Lorraine: Rosewood’s One Restaurant is enjoying the patronage of our young Liars. They question whether or not they believe Jenna’s story, that she was casually riding around when she spotted a very drunk Emily. Hanna wants to just assume that Jenna is telling the truth, because assuming everyone is a liar might make her head explode. We Snark Ladies assume everyone is a liar, but we are professionals.
Spencer says a truth-telling-Jenna means she’s crossed off the suspect list for the New A. Who are the remaining suspects? Emily suggest Lucas but Hanna is pretty sure that not taking a shower doesn’t equal New A. Or, rather, what she actually says is that Lucas may be unhinged but he isn’t capable of digging up Alison’s grave. A few months ago, Hanna probably didn’t think Mona was capable of throwing a car at her, so maybe we should stop assuming what people are capable of, huh Han? The one thing they do know is that whoever the Black Swan was, she was working with Mona.
A stone’s throw away from their table, Melissa turns around and says that Mariska Mom wants to know if Spencer wants anything else. It’s really weird because Mariska Mom is standing RIGHT THERE. Is she giving her teenaged daughter the silent treatment? I wouldn’t put it past her. In a voice no louder than she was using 10 seconds ago, Spencer says no thanks, so I’m just going to assume that Melissa and Mariska Mom and any of the surrounding patrons heard all of their conversation about New A. Cool.
Sara: Wouldn’t it be fun if Mariska Mom was the Black Swan? Fingers crossed!
Sweeney: BEST HEAD CANON. Sold.
Lor: Emily comments on how good Melissa looks. Hanna think she looks “black swan skinny,” plus she lied about her miscarriage. Spencer and Aria are all, “NO WAY.” because they don’t think she’s capable of lying about a pregnancy. This is why it takes these bitches 25 episodes to ever figure anything out. (S: +1)
New Jason walks into Rosewood’s One Restaurant, obviously look for someone in particular. He spots Mariska Mom and yell-asks how she could possibly defend Garrett, the man who killed his sister. Mariska Mom says that everyone deserves a competent legal defense. He should let the process play out and focus on taking care of himself and his family. With a sneer, New Jason says he already is and stomps out.
Sara: I want to feel sorry for New Jason, but that bratty little sneer just made me laugh and want to make a crybaby face at him like my sisters used to do to me when I whined.
Lor:
Spencer goes after her half brother and asks if he’s alright. He hangs up a paper we can’t see on a light post and says he will be before stomping off yet again. The other Liars now join Spencer outside and we see the poster announcing a $50,000 reward for information that leads to the recovery of Alison’s remains. Right on time, A text the girls:
Sara: What the hell does Jason do for a living that he has $2,000 to loan Spencer and then $50,000 as a reward here? Maybe he’s in that construction business that seems to pay Toby so well.
Sweeney: I think Jason’s just generally rich. You can’t have a good teen soap opera without a crapton of inherited wealth floating around with no concern for things like, “earning more” or “taxes.”
Lor: SHHHHHH.
After the credits, Spencer asks Mariska Mom if she’s seen the poster. She has, as New Jason has been plastering them all over town. They are still wearing the clothes they were wearing before the credits, so I don’t know how Mariska Mom would know that, but okay. Maybe she did a quick survey of the town. Spencer wants to know what’ll happen to the person who stole the body. Stealing a body is a felony, which means at least 10 years jail time. I’d confirm, but I’m using work Internet right now, and even I have some standards on Questionable Google Searches. Anyway, Mariska Mom knows enough about Rosewood’s shitty justice system to know that it would probably be easy to convict whoever stole the body of Ali’s murder. No mention of if it matters if that person is actually guilty of both crimes.
Rosewood School of Total Parental Dramz. Aria, in a very cute leopard print dress and hair and make-up that make her look much closer in age to her 32-year-old soul, is telling Hanna all about her dad’s new aftershave, which apparently means he’s got a date. Aria hasn’t told her mom because said date is with Center Stage [Meredith]. Hanna thinks it’s best if Piper Mom hears it from Aria and not someone else.
Aria finds her mother in an empty classroom. Aria wants to grab dinner with her mom, but she’s got some essays to write for her emotionally disturbed students grade. Aria asks about dinner the next night, but Piper will have more things to grade. She’ll be home all weekend, though, so they can dinner then. Aria’s all, “didn’t you stay home last weekend? Don’t you want to be around people?” and Piper Mom responds with the story of my life: I am around people. All day, Monday through Friday.
Sara:
Sweeney: I want to play too, but I work from home for exactly this reason. Being left out of a gif party > being around people all day, Monday-Friday.
Lor: Aria tells Piper Mom to call up some friends or something, but all of Piper Mom’s friends have husbands. Husbands who apparently don’t let them go out at night. Besides, Piper Mom would rather hang out with Aria for reasons that are beyond this humble blogger. Aria chickens out of mentioning the date and says she’ll see her mom Sunday for dinner.
Hanna signs into Radley, but is quickly informed by the front desk lady that Mona isn’t allowed visitors. Hanna tries to sass her way in but is stopped by security or like a beefed up orderly.
Emily is getting some instructions from her eager co-worker. She’s at some sort of coffee bar, though I’m going to guess it’s just an annex to Rosewood’s One Restaurant. A young man enters and asks for Emily. He’s Nate, Maya’s cousin. This is Emily’s first day on the job, so she can’t talk, though she promises to call him later. He’s in Rosewood attending the Hollis College of Pottery and Pedophilia. Fingers crossed that he’s majoring in Pottery. Also, I love that some random black dude can be all, “hey, I’m Maya’s cousin!” and Em’s all, “cool! Here’s my number.” Ask for ID, yo.
Sweeney: SUSPECT EVERYONE, GIRL. They ignored us shouting this advice for two seasons – I don’t know why I expect them to start now.
Lor: Caleb visits Hanna and he’s got tickets to a Bon Iver concert. She’s still upset about not being able to visit the girl who made her life impossible for a year, though. Caleb admits that he was the one who went to visit Mona, to tell her to stop messing with Hanna, when she freaked out. Caleb doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Hanna to keep seeing Mona, but Hanna says Wren supports the decision. Caleb gets more upset that Hanna is listening to Wren and not to him, and finally, she tells him to stay out of it. He throws the concert tickets and walks out.
After a Not Break, Aria is trying to calm Hanna down, telling her that all couples fight. Hanna is stressed about not being to tell Caleb that her visits are about information gathering. Aria is all, “…then just tell him.”Hanna is taken aback by the suggestion of using your words. The conversation switches to what Aria’s doing on her laptop: looking for a guy on an online dating site for her mother. Ashley walks into the kitchen and Hanna very obviously slams the laptop shut. Ashley is a good mom, so she actually notices, and asks to see what they are hiding. After they all look at profile pictures for some ew-looking guys, Ashley suggests a better dating site and leaves.
Sara: I love Hanna’s description of how they need a guy who “doesn’t look like a grape.“
Sweeney: We haven’t been awarding Ashley all the eyebrows she’s due, so pause to award her Sandy Cohen Eyebrows for, “expressing an interest in her child’s internet activity.”
Lor: Man those are some fine eyebrows.
Spencer waits for New Jason outside of a classroom. Once class is let out, Spencer walks with her half-brother and asks him how he’s doing and if he’s gotten any calls regarding the Alison flyer. He says he still has nothing solid to go on. Spencer tries to talk him into withdrawing the reward and letting the LOLPD handle it, but New Jason is all, “right. LOL.” Spencer says she’s worried he’ll get tricked, but he claims to know when someone is lying and asks Spencer if the same is true for her. For instance, let’s say there was a lying liar who lived with her and called herself, “mom.” New Jason thinks Mariska Mom took Garrett’s case with ulterior motives, namely to protect the Hastings name. Spencer asks if he’s referring to Melissa, but New Jason gets a phone call and jets.
Aria is setting an online profile for her mother by greatly exaggerating her cooking skills and athleticism. Then, it’s time to think of a username and Aria comes up with, “rosewoodgirl” and “artlover.” I almost praised Hanna for shutting both of those down, but then her suggestion is, “hotmama.” (S: Ew.)
Emily meets Nate at some sort of little park-ish area. He doesn’t produce ID, but he does show Emily a picture Maya sent him of Emily. He explains that the St. Germains had a small, family-only funeral. Emily never got to say goodbye to Maya. Nate says that’s kind of why he’s here; he’s got a package that was delivered a few weeks after Maya’s funeral. Emily opens it and finds a screen tee of the movie they saw on their first date.
Radley. Hanna sneaks in past the front desk lady fairly easily and there is no sign of any security now. She doesn’t get very far, though, because Detective Wilden shows up with a court order to see Mona. Wren, who is there way, way too much for this to be a volunteer project, can’t stop him and both he and Hanna watch him go into Mona’s room.
Could This Possibly Be Another Restaurant in Rosewood? Emily and Nate joint bond over a story of Maya being a shitty swimmer but a decent rower before he says he has to leave for class. Before he goes, Emily asks him for Maya’s parent’s address and he says he’ll give it to her later. After he’s gone, Maya notices that he left his book on the table.
Radley. Wren tells Hanna that Wilden is still with Mona. Wren thinks that something must be up to get a judge to order that court order. Hanna asks Wren to sneak her in to see Mona, but he says he can’t. He already got in trouble with a real doctor for extending Hanna’s visiting hours because he saw them “connecting.” Hanna thanks him.
Later, Hanna tells the other girls about Wilden and the court order. They worry some more and basically have the same conversation from the beginning of the episode about needing to find out who the Black Swan is and also when Melissa lost her baby. After the girls insist that Melissa is super suspicious, Spencer picks up her car keys and says she’s driving to Philly.
Rosewood’s One Restaurant’s Coffee Annex. Piper Mom picks up an order and finds Ashley Marin there, staring sadly at the flyer of Alison. They chat a little and Ashley asks if Piper Mom is meeting a date. She chuckles all, “ha-ha-ha. No.” and Ashley asks about her luck on the dating site. Piper Mom has no idea what she’s even talking about and Ashley is confused.
Sara: I love that Piper Mom hasn’t been on a date “since George Clooney was on ER.” I like to remember the time frame of my life in relation to TV shows also.
Sweeney: But our penchant for watching TV shows way late in the game means that our timeline has no bearing on the world of people who don’t read our blog.
Those people are stupid, though, so it’s whatever.
Lor: Everyone should know where they were when the Snark Ladies covered season 6 of Buffy. Just saying.
Melissa leaves her apartment and the Liars watch her go. Hanna calls Spencer and asks if they are clear to sneak into the apartment but Spencer tells them to wait until she confirms that Melissa has reached her location.
Sara: And it is so cute. It’s nice to see Ashley Marin have some happy moments. You’ve earned them, girl. Keep on keepin’ on.
Lor: Outside of Melissa’s apartment, Em, Hanna and Aria are getting impatient because they still haven’t heard from Spencer. They decide to screw the plan and just go in the apartment anyway. This is why these bitches always get caught. And, of course, Spencer gets a text message from Melissa who forgot her wallet and has to go back and get it. Spencer texts them a warning but of course, of course they don’t see it. (S: Because plot!)
Emily spots Melissa outside of a window and the girls hurriedly put things the way they found it. Lucky for them, Melissa is like flipping her hair in the hallway for a second or two. By the time she gets inside, the Liars are out of sight. Melissa opens the closet they are hiding in, but doesn’t see them. After she’s gone, the girls get out of the closet, but notice a costume bag hanging in the closet. They open it, but it’s empty, save for a single feather.
After the Not Break, the girls present Spencer with the feather evidence.
Spencer agrees that Melissa looks suspicious but says they are still just guessing. Hanna and Aria are convinced, though. They plan to pick up Emily after her shift and then go back to Philly to do I have no idea what. Accuse people of evil doings, I guess. (S: They’re so good at that!)
Spencer gets home to find Melissa in the dark with a big ass knife like the creepy fuck that she is. But she’s “cooking.” With the lights off. Now that Melissa is staying over, Spencer decides to just go ahead and confront her with the feather. She also says she knows that Melissa didn’t lose the baby in June. The music swells and Melissa starts sobbing. She confesses that she lost the baby the day after Ian died (again) and says some shit about pretending because telling the truth is hard. Spencer asks why Melissa was at the masquerade ball and it turns out Mariska Mom is standing behind them and wants to know the answer too.
Hanna gets a text from New A who says she’s everywhere and sends a picture of a EMT in Montecito in front of a wrecked car.
Sara: So we have to assume that A is old enough to be buying plane tickets and flying out to Montecito at a moment’s notice, right?
Sweeney: A is definitely multiple people, not just one, but they/at-least-one-of-them clearly has premium access to the Tree of Inherited Wealth.
Lor: Hastings House. Melissa tells the other Hastings women that she got a package with the costume and a threatening note- either Melissa wore the costume to the masquerade ball or, the blackmailer would tell about her fake-pregnancy. Melissa figures it was Mona threatening her, because after Mona was taken away, Melissa never received another threat again. Melissa stands and is all, “welp. Hope now you can get over this,” and heads off to lie down. Telling the truth messes with her delicate constitution.
Spencer asks her mom who else knows Melissa was faking her pregnancy. Papa Hastings. So basically, everyone in the family except for Spencer because they hate her. Plus, Garrett knew too. Spencer thinks this is why Mariska Mom decided to defend Garrett, but it isn’t only that. Garrett told Mariska Mom that his public defender was compiling a list of witnesses and one of them was the PI that the Hastings hired to follow Melissa around, a fact that wouldn’t look good before a jury. Spencer is visibly distraught, but Melissa calls for her mom and Mariska Mom takes off to go attend the daughter she actually loves with these parting words, “like it or not, this is your family.”
Sara: I love that it’s said as a threat.
Sweeney:
Lor: Thank you. I needed that.
Caleb arrives at the Marin Manor with the news that his mom was in a car accident in Montecito. Faced with this new level of New A’s power, Hanna decides to not tell Caleb the truth after all. Her whole, “hey, yeah, I’m not actually going to tell you about that secret I mentioned early,” doesn’t go over well. Caleb breaks up with her and Hanna cries beautiful tears.
Sara: I find it kind of obnoxious that no one on this damn show has thought, “Huh. Maybe this stalking stuff is still going on…” PAY ATTENTION, PEOPLE.
Lor: There are actually people this episode who are all, “WELL NOW THAT YOU AREN’T BEING BLACKMAILED AHEM.” Really, people? And really Caleb? Hanna cried beautiful tears about not being able to tell you secrets before. You should be able to recognize the signs.
Montgomery Manse. Piper Mom confronts Aria about the dating profile. Aria apologizes and explains her rationale, but it turns out Piper Mom already knew about Papa Montgomery dating Meredith again. Piper Mom takes a, “what can I do?” stance about the whole thing and explains that she isn’t actually looking to date, but also, maybe they should leave the profile up anyway.
Sara: I completely forgot that Piper Mom isn’t living with Aria anymore. WTF. Papa Montgomery needs to step and let Piper Mom be the one to raise the kids. She annoys me sometimes, but she’s nowhere near the level of Bad Parent that Aria’s dad is at.
Sweeney: YES! Realizing that Shitbag Montgomery is dating Center Stage and still living in the house while Piper Mom is off in an apartment made me ragey all over again. THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.
Lor: Emily returns Nate’s book to him and he’s all, “OH SHUCKS. I LEFT THAT ADDRESS IN MY CAR.” Mmmmhmmmm. Sure you did. He offers to just mail the letter for her. Em suggests that they should hang out soon, but he isn’t sure he’s going to be sticking around for long because all anyone is talking about in Rosewood is Maya’s death. Emily doesn’t think Maya would want Nate to leave. Nate turns the advice around and tells Emily that Maya would want her to move on.
Heartbreak Montage: Aria holds Hanna as she cries. Emily holds her screen tee from Maya. Caleb broods and still needs to comb his hair. Spencer takes brooding to the next level and brood walks. She’s passing Jason’s house, though, and he interrupts her path o’ feelings. Jason tells Spencer about all the calls he’s gotten about Alison’s remains, and how everyone from Obama to Spencer have been accused. Spencer sits and says she’s looking forward to going to college the next year and getting out of Rosewood. Jason says it isn’t that easy to escape Rosewood. They chat for a bit longer before Jason says he’s got some things to do. He also tells Spencer that he’s withdrawing the reward.
Once Spencer leaves, Jason takes out his check book and finishes writing a check for fifty thousand dollars. He calls someone on his cell phone and tells them to meet him in a parking lot in fifteen.
Spencer walks on when she’s approached by Wilden in his car, doing some drive-by minor-stalking. He asks Spencer how far away her parent’s lakehouse is, and when she asks why, he says he’s just curious and rolls away. Spencer is concerned.
A-nonymous: We hear airport announcements for the Montecito airport as New A hacks into Radley’s system and switches Mona’s status to allow visitors. New A packs up their stuff and leaves a $50 tip that the zoomy cameraman really wants us to notice. We see that fancy tipper, Zoomy.
Who wasn’t in this episode and could possibly be New A? Lucas? EZRA?
Only approximately 87 more episodes until we find out, I’m sure.
Next time: Garrett gets a pass out of jail in Pretty Little Liars S03 E05 – That Girl is Poison.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
