—
Sara: The Liars discuss their previous lies: being at Ali’s grave the night her body disappeared, pretending to be at the Lake House of Secrets instead, etc. They’re on their way to go comfort Hanna about not having a pretty wolf to kiss anymore when an ambulance shows up across the street. The paramedics wheel out Garrett’s mom on a stretcher, which doesn’t seem that important plot-wise but this is PLL, so. Also, this neighborhood must be a very strange shape if they all live next door to each other and also next door to Alison’s old house and also next door to New Jason and Garrett. It defies all logic. Aria sees a hoodied person watching them, and the girls freak, as usual.
SHHH.
Ezra waits outside of a coffee shop for Aria to bring out his coffee and bear claw like the good little minor girlfriend she is. They walk arm-in-arm down the street, and I really don’t understand how this is a thing that is happening. Regardless of how you feel about this match-up and how in/appropriate it is, surely this would smear his reputation and chances of getting a job, yeah? Hey, maybe that high school girl tutoring pays really well.
Ezra reaches to get some money to pay her back for the meal. (Why didn’t he go inside and order it himself, you may ask? Because then we couldn’t have this conversation, that’s why.) (L: But also, what’s the point of a fetus girlfriend if you can’t convince her to fetch you stuff.)(S: With money she gets from her parents who hate your statutory raping guts.) Aria is like, “don’t even worry about it,” but Ezra gets weird about how he has money even though he’s unemployed and it’s fine, he can totally afford to pay for his own lunch, and Aria is pretty condescending about how it’s totally fine, Ezra, I can take care of you with my allowance because you obviously aren’t as grown up as I am since you only have one lime in your fridge. Weirdness all around. This is what dating a child looks like.
Sara: As Aria gets in Ezra’s pedocar, she sees Lucas beating on the door of a photographer’s office and yelling, “GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF.” (L: HE CAN’T BE WITHOUT HIS STUFF.)(S: BEING WITHOUT HIS STUFF COMPLETELY EXPLAINS HIS CRAZY-FACED UNWASHED LOOK.) In case you forgot he’s the resident “bad boy” now. Like anyone alive would ever consider Lucas a bad boy.
Rosewood School for Lunching. Paige tries to skirt by Emily without being seen, but of course, Emily spots her and calls her back. She asks if Paige is free the following night, because she got tickets to THE KATY PERRY MOVIE (coming to a theater near you, Friday, July 5th!) I find it hard to believe that any one of these girls would be interested in seeing this movie, but okay, product placement. Paige thought Em was avoiding her, so she’s confused about the mixed signals, but Emily assures her that she’s just going through some stuff. They agree to the date.
Marin Manor. Apparently Hanna is skipping school today (like that actually matters at Rosewood) because she’s sitting in the kitchen, wearing sweats, when her mom comes downstairs. She tells Ashley that she doesn’t feel well, so she’s staying home. Ashley, being the best parent on this show, knows what this is really about and asks if she’s heard from Caleb. Hanna replies in the negative, and Ashley comforts her but still says that she has to go to school because, again, best parent on the show.
Sweeney: I always get so confused by all of her Noticing That Her Child Exists behavior. So strange. It’s like she doesn’t even know she’s a TV parent.
Sara: Ashley wants to know if Hanna has any plans for the next day, because there’s a rummage sale at church that needs more volunteers. Since when does anyone on this show go to church, besides for funerals? Anyways, Hanna says she’ll be busy listening to every sad song she owns on repeat, which sounds like the best way to spend the night after a breakup, if you ask me. Ashley doesn’t give her much of a choice and then gives her some fashion side eye about wearing her sweats to school. Stupidly, Ashley doesn’t drive Hanna’s lying ass to school, and Han walks right back in the house with no intention of going to class.
Sweeney: Right. She might not have gotten the memo that she’s a TV parent but, alas, she still is one.
Sara: School for Lunching. Emily and Spencer are glaring at NotBlind!Jenna from across the courtyard and talking smack. Emily wants to go confront her, but Spencer has more important things to talk about, namely the text they got from Aria earlier about Lucas banging on the door of that photography place. Aria knows the photographer (oh right, Aria’s a photographer, how could I forget?) (L: Because they literally made that up a couple of episodes ago?) They have somehow jumped to the conclusion that Lucas took the photos of the Liars at Ali’s dug up grave that night. Okay.
Emily has a calculus test to worry about, so she tries to peace out, but Spencer hasn’t dropped all of her information bomb yet. (S: Her insistence on finishing that before Em’s test was mega rude. HOMEGIRL NEARLY FAILED A CLASS LAST YEAR. Your lives will still be fucked up in an hour when she finishes her test.) She found a letter on her mom’s computer that says Garrett will be getting out of jail that night to go visit his mother in the hospital. Spence worries that A put Mrs. Garrett’s Mom in the hospital on purpose, to get in contact with Garrett on the outside. Based on previous episodes, I think A could saunter into the station, unlock Garrett’s cell, and invite him to a coffee shop to chat without getting caught.
Lor: Then, an empty coffee cup would appear near or around the Liars, and they would all be taken down to the station for questioning. Shit, we could write for this show.
Sara: And I guarantee it would be way more entertaining and productive.
The girls’ conversation is interrupted by NotBlind!Jenna, offering them invitations to her birthday party. LOL. I kind of love Jenna for inviting the Liars to her birthday. Plus you KNOW those bitches will show up, even though they hate her. Her face still gives me the creeps, though. (L: Always and forever.) (S: +1. Put those sunglasses back on, girl.
Rosewood’s Only Coffee Shop. Emily’s boss tells her that she’s going to come in to work the following night (No! Not KATY PERRY MOVIE night!) or she won’t have a job anymore. They need all the extra employees they can get, since that’s where Jenna is having her birthday party and the guest list keeps expanding. I guess when you’re inviting everyone, including your mortal enemies, to your party, the list does get pretty long.
Jenna and her photographer (the one who owns the studio Lucas was harassing) are in the corner of the coffee shop planning out her party, so I guess the photographer is also a party planner? Whatever. Emily brings them coffee and as she leaves, overhears Photo Party griping about hiring liars (not to be confused with Pretty Little Liars) to work for her. Jenna asks what she means, and Photo Party says it’s a long story but then proceeds to tell the story in three sentences, so not too long, I guess. Apparently, Lucas stole supplies of hers to develop his personal photos and then came back and demanded to get his negatives. Photo Party said no money, no negatives, and thus, we have the temper tantrum throwing Lucas from the beginning of the episode.
Cousin Nate interrupts this terribly boring story to throw his own temper tantrum about Garrett getting out of jail to go visit his dying mother. Emily tries to calm him down by saying that she agrees with him, but they have to let things play out the way they’re meant to be.
Sparia. Aria is telling Spencer about Ezra’s reaction to her buying him breakfast and lunch, and Spence is nonchalant about the fact that Aria is treating her boyfriend like an incompetent child, which is ironic, right?
Sweeney: Unnecessary, Spencer.
Sara: At that moment, the Baby Squirrel himself texts Aria to let her know that he got an invite to Jenna’s birthday party, too. And you know he’s going to be there because dude has no boundaries at all. Anyways, more important shit is happening with Spencer right now because she’s currently trying to break into her mom’s email to see what time Garrett will be the hospital. Her plan is to watch him when he gets there to see who he’s visiting because she doesn’t think it’ll be his mom.Paily. Emily feels terrible about having to cancel, but Paige says it’s no big deal because they can go see THE KATY PERRY MOVIE, DID WE MENTION IT’S STARRING KATY PERRY next weekend.
Emily needs a tie for the birthday party, so she asks Paige to dig through her closet to help look for it. While looking, Paige comes across the Happy Flask from that one time when Em got super wasted and ended up finding the second shovel next to Ali’s dug up grave. Paige says there’s still some liquor left, but Emily declines and says she’s done with that stuff. Atta girl, Em!Coffee Shop. NotBlind!Jenna is done doing her party planning with Photo Party lady and decides to hit on Cousin Nate some. It’s… weird.Marin Manor. Hanna is still in her sweats from earlier, and Spencer asks if she’s coming from yoga. Hanna says no, and Spencer asks, “Then why are you dressed like that?” DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE COMFY YOGA PANTS THAT ARE NEVER ACTUALLY WORN AT YOGA, SPENCER. Don’t. You. Dare.
Sweeney: Preach. END COMFY-CLOTHES SHAMING!
Sara: Aria gets off of a phone call with Emily and tells the girls shit we already know: Paige is invited to the party, Photo Party lady is shooting it. Aria reminds us that Photo Party lady is the one she took a photography class from over the summer. You remember? That one out-of-left-field plot point that was only created so we could have this moment right here?
Spencer and Aria want to put Lucas on their Neverending Suspect List, but Hanna would rather they just keep Jenna on it. They also worry about why Garrett is being released on the same day as Jenna’s party, and Aria says she’ll go the stupid party to keep an eye on Jenna (and also probably to keep an eye on her unemployed boyfriend).
Rummage Your Shit Sale. Hanna is putting in her time at the sale to make up for her missed day of school. Ashley runs into the volunteer coordinator and gets her flirt on over cookies. Mmm, cookies.
Ezria. Ezra is about to take Aria on an out-of-town (hopefully not out-of-state) date, but she asks if they can just go to Rosewood’s only restaurant so they can stop by her mortal enemy’s party after. Ezra is like, you mean the girl you blinded? And Aria says, yeah, because of history and stuff, with a patented Aria shrug. She spouts some bullshit about how incredible it is that Blind!Jenna is not blind! anymore and that if she wants to include stupid Ezria (ugh, who would?) in her party, then they should go. Ezra falls for it because: Dope.
Before they leave to go on their stupid date, Ezra gives her an old timey camera that is actually really cool. Probably Aria will only use it to pose with when she takes Instagram pictures of herself, though.
Lor: #32yearoldsoul.
Sara: Spencer Spy. Spencer is spying on Garrett at the hospital, as he buys flowers for his dying mom. She’s on the phone with Emily, giving her a play-by-play of how tacky the flowers are, and it is wonderful. Garrett writes a note to go with the flowers and turns just in time to spot Spencer, even though she darts behind a wall. She goes to make an exit but runs into creepy ass Wilden. Wilden does his creepy threatening thing with her, and she lies that she’s just there to pick up test results from a physical she took.
Ain’t No Party Like a Blind Girl Party. (L: A+) Emily is working and runs into Paige, who is being very sweet. Their talk is interrupted, though, when Em spots Cousin Nate.
Rummage Your Shit. Volunteer Coordinator spots Hanna stuffing a jacket into her giant purse and confronts her. She tells him that she just wanted to buy it and awkwardly gives him a $20. She wonders if he knows who dropped that box of clothes off, but he doesn’t. After he walks away, she immediately calls and leaves Emily a message, asking about her clothes from That Night. Spencer and Em were supposed to burn them, so it’s worrisome that her jacket ended up at the rummage sale.
Sweeney: Spencer did toss some of them in the fire though? But it was her fireplace… Also we saw Spencer holding Emily’s flask in her random flaskback. IS SPENCER A TEAM? IS SPENCER A-ING THEM FOR BEING SO MUCH DUMBER THAN SHE IS?
Sara: I LOVE THIS IDEA. WE REALLY SHOULD BE WRITING THIS SHOW.
Ain’t No Party Like a Blind Girl Party. Cousin Nate says that he was invited to the party last minute and decided to show up because he’s got a thing for the Jenna Thing. Paige watches from across the room and, getting jealous, starts drinking from Emily’s Happy Flask.
Ezria make it to the party together and tell Jenna that they were happy for the invitation. Jenna continues being creepy by staring at them and saying weird shit. Aria excuses herself to go talk to Photo Party lady because of that one time she took a photography class with her (eye roll).
She tells Photo Party that her boyfriend just got her a fancy schmancy camera and PP is like, Damn, that shit is expensive for a high schooler, but Aria gives a condescending little, “Oh, he’s not in high school,” with a smirk. Then she asks exactly how expensive it is, but PP just says very expensive. She not-so-subtly segues into mentioning that she needs a new assistant because her last assistant was a psycho and also his camera bag is still in her studio. She also tells Aria that if she wants the job, she should give her a call on Monday about it.
Emily is refilling trays in the back room when Paige asks her to hang. Em can’t because she’s working (people in Rosewood don’t understand the concept), and Paige passive aggressives that she was able to chat with Cousin Nate. Emily tries to tell her that she wasn’t exactly hanging out with Nate, but Aria interrupts because she has to talk with Em in private. I think this is the third time now that Paige has been interrupted when trying to talk to Emily. I guess maybe she does have reason to be a little annoyed at this point.
Lor: But also, she’s working, so maybe not a lot annoyed.
Sara: After she leaves, Aria pours tea all up on PP’s camera equipment to ensure that she can get into the studio and go through Lucas’ shit later. That seems like a great way to get Emily fired from her job that is going to help her pay for college! Friends, right?
Hastings House. Toby shows up at Spencer’s house to get away from NotBlind!Jenna and her NotBlind!Party. (Because he lives above the coffee shop. I can’t remember if this is something we knew or not.) (L: It is on account of his pipes not working and his having to shower his abs at Spencer’s place. I love that apartment and it’s terrible plumbing.) Spencer and Toby talk about his daddy issues and then get their make out on. I approve.
NotBlind! Party. Ezra tries to convince Aria to leave, so they can go to dinner, but Aria says that Jenna isn’t blind now, so she’ll know if they leave early. LOL. Ezra really wants to go, but Aria continues to stall.
Over by the cake, Paige is being super drunk and sticking her fingers in cupcakes. I have never liked Paige so damn much before. Jenna stomps over and asks wtf she thinks she’s doing, but Paige dgaf. She goes to dance but falls over and knocks some decorations down. Emily picks her up and takes her out to get her to a hospital.
Lor: Another sure fire way to get Emily fired from that job she needs. HOORAY FRIENDS.
Sara: Hospital for Awesome Drunk Paiges. Hanna shows up at the hospital to give Emily her jacket, and they wonder how it could have gotten to the rummage sale. Em says she remembers wearing it to Spencer’s house That Night but doesn’t remember what happened to it between there and the second shovel finding. They figure that if Jenna really was their “friend” now, she would have given it back to them instead of donating it. Emily says that maybe Jenna wasn’t the only person she ran into That Night.
Not!Blind Party. Ezra finds Aria and gets cranky pants at her for not wanting to leave yet. He stomps that he knows she thinks he can’t afford things, but he can and wants to take his tiny girlfriend to dinner. Aria thinks that after spending all that money on her very expensive camera, he probably shouldn’t be also taking her to a fancy restaurant. Ezra tells her that he wanted to take her to dinner to celebrate, because he got a job. Aria is super excited, but they’re interrupted by PP who has just noticed that her camera equipment is fucked and she needs some new memory cards. Aria offers to go to her studio and get more, and PP offers her a job on the spot. How hilarious is it that Ezra has been searching for jobs for WEEKS and Aria just got handed one because she offered to make a quick trip down the block? Ha!
Lor: She totally hijacked his good news. “I got a new job!” “AWESOME. WATCH ME GET ONE RIGHT NOW.”
Stupid fetus girlfriends.
Sweeney: I’d rather he be, you know, in prison, but I appreciate even this tiny bit of suffering for Ezra.
Sara: While Aria is in the studio grabbing PP’s other memory cards, she grabs Lucas’ film and heads out. On her way back to the party, creepy ass Lucas jumps out of the shadows and demands the keys. Aria says no, and he threatens her. Dude, even freakin’ Aria could break you in half. You are not threatening or scary in any way. Just in time to save the day, Ezra pulls up like the stalker he is and Lucas runs off.
Hospital. Cousin Nate is asking Emily if she likes Paige or if she like-likes Paige. She tells him that they used to date. Just then, Garrett is being escorted to the elevator by the cops and Cousin Nate jumps up and tries to fight him.
After the Not Break, Paige is released from the hospital and finds Emily. The doctor ran a tox screen and found that Paige’s alcohol was laced with Melizapan, a kind of sleeping pill, so she wasn’t just drunk, she was fuuuucked up. (L: Scientific term.) She gives Em’s Happy Flask back and leaves to meet her parents.
Garrett’s Comatose Mama. Spencer sneaks into Garrett’s mom’s hospital room and checks the card he left with his flowers. It’s just a simple, sweet message, though. But Spencer notices a folded piece of paper under Garrett’s mom’s hospital bracelet and when she opens it, it simply says, “April Rose has the proof.”
Back at Ezra’s apartment, Aria checks out the negatives from Lucas while on the phone with Emily. At the same time, Em is googling the drug found in her Happy Flask. It turns out that Malizapan is used on aggressive inmates or crazy people to calm them down. When mixed with alcohol, one of the top side effects is memory loss. Well, that’s terrifying. Aria finds some pills in one of the film canisters and it turns out that they’re the Malizapan pills Emily was just researching. Ruh roh!
A-nonymous: Black gloved hands go through a purse of Maya’s and find a picture of Emily and some pills. Boring.
Lor: Even Maya’s stuff is boring.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
