Angel S05 E03 – The other other white meat

Previously: Spike discovered he’s a ghost. Sort of. Plus, Angel killed a necromancer who was also a client.
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Unleashed

Kirsti: The camera pans across a bunch of fancy cars and one fancy motorbike. Fred’s voice from offscreen tells us that Angel’s idea for a picnic was excellent. But her tone changes to one of relief as she finishes scanning Wesley for bugs and declares them all to be free from listening devices. Gunn says it’s weird to be acting this way, but Angel assures them that it’s necessary as there are tons of employees who want them dead. Man, that’s a fun company they’ve taken over! Fred defends their new coworkers, and Wes snaps that maybe Whedon Hat Trick isn’t as trustworthy as she thinks. Fred gives him major side-eye while saying that she knows WHT isn’t evil.

Sweeney: Jealousy is an ugly look on everyone. I fear it’s going to be worn a bit too much this season.

K: So much. The Senior Partners, on the other hand, are evil. Angel wants to know why they’ve been given control of the company. The others all give Gunn some “what if you’re a spy for them now that they’ve played in your head?” vibes, and he gets cranky, insisting that all of them got something out of the deal. Angel gets them back on subject, saying that they need to be ready for whatever the senior partners are planning. The others insist that their workloads are too big to be prepared, what with the running departments and handling clients and dealing with Spike. Angel insists that Spike is a distraction, but Fred says “He’s more than a ghost. He’s something…unique,” because obviously I needed to bash my head against the desk repeatedly.

Conversation stops as Angel stares off into the distance with a Help-the-Helpless expression. He snappily asks to borrow Wesley’s fancy pen, and runs off into the night. Cut to a blonde woman in a pink jogging suit running through the forest screaming as something big and hairy chases her. It knocks her down and she screams us into the Electric Cellos.

After the credits, the It’s-Clear-They’ve-Forgotten-How-Wolf!Oz-Looked Werewolf slashes at the woman, then bites her shoulder. Angel pulls it off her, and starts to fight it. And seriously – the Whedonverse has clearly forgotten everything it already did about werewolves GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Anyway, Angel stabs Wes’ silver pen into the werewolf’s chest, and it dies and turns back into a man. During the commotion, Helpless Of The Week [HOTW] has run to her car and we hear tyres squeal as she drives off.

W&H. Angel has produced an in-depth sketch of HOTW (Angel/art OTP!), and informs Gunn that she was bitten and will therefore be wolfy. They need to find her, as there are two more nights of full moon this month. Gunn pulls a folder on their dead werewolf, who apparently went human killing crazy in recent months. Angel postulates that he had nothing worth fighting for. HOTW is different though – she has them.

Sweeney: A bunch of strangers who started the episode by moaning about how overwhelmed they are with all the shit they have to do! Yay?

Lorraine: But maybe they will share their Chinese food!

K: MAYBE. Fred’s office. She’s working away when Spike walks through the door. Literally. He demands information on his “condition”, and has no fucks to give about her other work. She says she’s had some ideas but that it’ll have to wait because, you know, case. He says that it can’t wait because he’s disappearing for longer and longer now, and it feels like something is trying to hold him on the other side. If she doesn’t do something, he says, he may not come back. The Snark Ladies immediately kidnap Fred. Partly because of this and partly to remove the Jealous!Wes element, because UGH.

Anywho, Fred suggests asking Wes for help, but Spike refuses, saying that he and Wes have a past, that they fought a battle of wills when Wes was a young Watcher and the slash fic writers all have gleeful expressions and thousands of ideas. Fred says he’s full of crap, and he confesses that he doesn’t want word of his little problem getting back to Angel. She tells him to stop being a drama queen and that they’ll work it out eventually.

Sweeney: I’m not sure I get why he’s so adamant that Angel not find out. Shouldn’t he want all the help he can get? Is their petty fighting so ridiculous that Spike’s great vanishing nightmare is seriously second in line to asking Angel for help?

Granted, all of this is probably just happening because the writers want to drag this story out a few episodes.

Lor: Dude, I don’t even like Spike and I think they should probably pay more attention to him. It’s insane to me that this whole, “vanishing to hell” plot point is what they are using, considering how much they are pushing it into the background. Weird.

K: So weird and so stupid. What’s Angel going to say, anyway? “Haha, you’re getting sucked into hell! OH WAIT, JUST LIKE I DID THAT ONE TIME BUFFY KILLED ME.” Get over yourself, Spike. Evil Radio Shack. Angel sulks about them not having anything. Fred and Wes inform him that she can’t do science with nothing to go on. Spike pops by for some sassing, and Angel shoves his sketch at a lab tech, demanding that they get people on the street showing it around. Wes hands Angel a photo, saying that psychics have been able to pull a blurry image of the girl’s bedroom from the blood they found at the scene and LOL WHUT. This is the biggest piece of contrivance ever.

Sweeney: Best. So ridiculous. Zero sense made. BECAUSE OF REASONS!

K: Wolfram & Hart can do ANYTHING!! In a side room, a guy who I know as the coroner from True Blood is examining dead werewolf guy. Wes introduces him as a cryptozoologist, who promptly informs us that this is a type of werewolf never seen before in North America that likes to walk upright and has bigger teeth. OKAY, SHOW. I SEE YOU FIXING YOUR IGNORING OZ THING. Angel insists that they have to find the girl before she turns. Spike sasses some more about how he once fought a werewolf for over an hour, and Fred interrupts impatiently with “Angel killed him with a pen,” because she’s the best.

Seizure cut to HOTW’s bedroom. She wakes, all sweaty and gross, and hears a little girl’s giggle from the next room a little too clearly. She drags herself out of bed and groggily walks to the kitchen where a woman not much older than her and a little girl are preparing dinner. She hears a fly buzzing too loudly, and snaps around to stare at it. The girl asks why her neck is purple. The slightly older woman – who’s wearing scrubs – hands her an icepack. HOTW stares at some hamburgers cooking in the pan as she presses the icepack to her neck. The other woman – HOTW’s sister – asks if she can still babysit that night given how she’s all sweaty and gross. HOTW is vague, staring at the blood oozing from the burgers. She looks at her niece, seeing bloody claw marks on her neck, then realises it was a hallucination. She insists that she’s fine.

Lor: No you aren’t, crazy. Way to ignore like a hundred red flags.

K: Seriously. Evil Radio Shack. Fred’s worked out that the tyre marks are at least five years old. Gunn enters to say that someone claims to have seen the girl in East Hollywood based on Angel’s sketch. Angel’s a little panicky because that’s still a millionty possibilities. Spike sasses some more. Lorne has a brainwave, and suggests checking red light cameras. Wes gets to it and promptly gets a hit. Gunn hands Angel the DMV photo, and he confirms that it’s her. Wes informs Angel – and the audience – that HOTW’s name is Nina Ash.

Back at HOTW’s, her niece is sketching her portrait. She hears the pencil scratch on the paper in great detail, and gets dizzy. She informs her niece that she’s going to go lie down for a while. She makes it upstairs to her room and promptly collapses on the floor. Her niece hears the thud, and walks up the stairs calling her aunt’s name. Meanwhile, HOTW’s transformation has begun, with her canines elongating and her hand turning into a paw as she stares in horror. I stare in horror too, but only because the special effects are so awful. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, the niece knocks on the door in concern as HOTW’s transformation finishes. She heads for the bedroom door, but Angel calls out from the window. Werewolf!HOTW leaps at him, flying through the window and knocking them both off the roof and to the ground. They scuffle for a second before Wes shoots Werewolf!HOTW with a tranquiliser dart. Upstairs, the niece walks into HOTW’s bedroom as tyres squeal away. Seriously? You left the nine year old kid alone overnight?? Dick move, Angel.

Sweeney: Word. You’ve got bank accounts full of evil lawyer money now! I’m sure there’s someone you could have paid to do that or some member of the team who would have been up for the task.

Lor: I was imagining having the nine-year-old around the Wolfram & Hart offices. When they left her there I was baffled.

K: Either way, I’m guessing the kid’s mother would be pissed. But not you-left-my-nine-year-old-alone-overnight pissed. Cut to a cage the next morning (which I originally typoed as “cafe.” Not *quite* the same thing…). HOTW wakes, naked, and freaks out because she’s a) naked, and b) in a cage. Legit, girl. Legit. There’s a pile of clothes outside the cage and she quickly gets dressed. Angel appears and tells her that she’s safe, and she’s all “EXCEPT FOR PREVIOUSLY NAKED AND IN A CAGE AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” and screams for help. He says that he just wants to show her something.

Cut to Angel’s office. He shows HOTW surveillance footage from her cage, including the part where Werewolf!HOTW turns back into HOTW. He fills her in on the whole “you’re a werewolf” thing, including the fact that it comes with heightened senses. HOTW freaks out because the smell of blood from the hamburgers made her want to rip her niece’s throat out. Angel assures her that both her sister and her niece are fine, but HOTW is still freaked.  Angel insists that it wasn’t her that wanted to do that, it was just the monster inside her, and that’s something he knows a lot about.

She asks if he’s a Frankenstein and I twitch because FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE DOCTOR NOT THE MONSTER, PEOPLE. Angel twitches too, but that’s because someone doesn’t think he’s the prettiest princess evah. (L: Maybe get rid of a few stories of hair. #requistehairmention) (K: A+, Lor.) He says that he’s a vampire, but he has a soul and therefore he’s not evil. Neither is she. It’s all about control, he says, and he can teach her that. She wants to know if he can cure her. He insists that he can keep her safe.

He heads outside to talk to Fred and Cryptozoologist Guy [CG], telling them that HOTW has promised to spend tonight in the cage but that she’s freaked. Spike appears to sass some more. Angel ignores him and asks what they can do to keep HOTW safe. CG says that in the early transformations, werewolves can bash their heads on things and tear at their own skin. Angel suggests tranquilisers, but CG says that’s not a great long term plan. Instead, he suggests taking her home to get some familiar things. Spike sasses that it won’t help and she’ll eventually get out of the cage, and the rest of the time she’ll be wracked with guilt. He disappears mid-sentence, and Angel heaves a sigh of relief. He tells Fred to get security to take HOTW home on account of DAYLIGHT.

Security Van. HOTW is kind of twitchy about the security guards, and Fred’s apologetic but says it’s important she stay in the cage that night. They bond a little over the whole Being Saved By Angel thing, which includes Fred saying “Girls, guys…puppies. He’s pretty much an equal-opportunity saver.” Ahahahaha. And thanks for that Orpheus reminder, Fred. (L: ARF ARF PSYCHO.) HOTW asks if they’re a couple, and Fred LOL NOPEs. She awkwardly alludes to his “condition” that prevents him from dating before saying that the Fang Gang are more like family, albeit a dysfunctional, demon hunting family.

Gunn’s office. Angel signs some paperwork to release Dead Werewolf Guy’s body to his family, then sits down to brood. Gunn insists that Angel saved HOTW’s life, but Angel insists that doesn’t change anything. Gunn eyerolls a little and leaves. Lorne walks in and tells Angel that he looks a little fat. Ahahahahahahaha. It’s funny because it’s true. Angel sulks a little, and Lorne clarifies that he was talking psychic fat, not literal fat, and that he should spill. Angel insists that he’s not going to sing or cry, and Lorne suggests maybe leaning or shrugging to relieve the weight of the world a little. Lorne tells him that Spike turning up may have thrown a spanner in the works, but he shouldn’t forget that the Fang Gang have his back. Angel broods some more as Lorne leaves.

HOTW’s house. The security team stays outside, which seems dumb. HOTW is hesitant about going in. Fred gets her through the door where HOTW’s sister promptly appears and starts yelling about the whole leaving her niece overnight thing. Which, legit. But also, she was worried because HOTW left without her wallet or her keys and they didn’t know where she was. Fred tries to come up with a cover story, but Shouty Sister has no fucks to give. She says that she called the police and she’s worried about the unexplained disappearance as well as the unexplained bruises. HOTW says that Shouty Sister can’t rely on her as a babysitter any more and rushes out. Fred grabs a framed picture and a stuffed animal and awkwardly follows.

Lor: They probably should’ve spent that car ride over talking less about Angel and more about a cover story. Stupid.

K: No kidding. Outside, Fred insists that shouting = caring, then realises that the security van looks abandoned. She pulls the door open to find the guards dead. She pulls a tranquiliser gun from her bag and tells HOTW to run. Masked men appear and attack them. Fred gets off a couple of shots before she’s knocked out. A bunch of men grab HOTW and rush her to another van. One pulls out a phone and informs the rich looking beardy man on the other end that they have “the package.” Rich Looking Beardy Man tells them to bring said package around back. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, HOTW is being chained up in a basement. She’s sprayed with a firehose before a woman in a lab coat cuts her shirt off and proceeds to scrub her skin with a nail brush. HOTW cries and screams. Cut to Wolfram & Hart. Cryptozoologist Guy is singing for Lorne, who gives Angel the thumbs up. Wes informs us that Lorne has checked approximately half the staff without finding anything, but Angel insists the kidnappers had an inside source. Wes wonders if she was detected before they found her. Fred blames herself, and says that they were almost military in their precision. Wes reminds us about The Initiative because he wants us to suffer.

Sweeney: “Hey, remember this other terrible thing that happened? All of this could be worse!” In my head canon, that was the intended subtext. Trouble is that the jury’s still out on whether the second part is true or not.

K: YUP. Fred realises that it’s been hours since anyone’s seen Spike. Angel’s thrilled. Their conversation is interrupted by CG, who hands Angel a list of the “usual suspects” who might want a werewolf, which includes sacrificers, paranormal sporting groups, and whackos. Fred spots a semi-visible Spike walking through the lobby and rushes after him, calling his name. But he doesn’t react. She follows him up the stairs and down a corridor. He walks through the wall into an office, and she heads through the door. He walks through the desk and through the wall, and she trips over the rubbish bin trying to stop him. She notices something weird in the spilled rubbish, and hides it behind her back as CG appears and asks if she was looking for him, on account of this is his office. She knocks him out with his desk lamp.

Later, Fred, Wes and Gunn are searching CG’s office. Wes informs us that CG must have taken calendula so that he could pass Lorne’s singing test. (L: People getting around Lorne’s ability is my least favorite.) Wes asks why Fred was in there in the first place, and she says that Spike led her there. Just then, Gunn finds a drawer with a false base, under which is a knife and a bunch of Polaroids. Cut to Angel throwing CG up against a wall and demanding to know where HOTW is. CG says that it’s a secret and he’s more scared of the other guy than he is of Angel. Of course, Angel vamps out and growls “Wanna bet??“. Back in CG’s office, Fred suggests burning the Polaroids because they’re gross while Wes examines the knife. Gunn’s looking at the paperwork though, which makes them all freak.

Fred, Wes and Gunn rush into Angel’s office. Angel says that he knows where HOTW is, and Fred hands him the piece of paper, saying that they know what’s going to happen to her. “It’s a menu,” Angel says in confusion. Cut to a fancy dining room. Guests mill around in black tie as a gagged and bound HOTW is wheeled into the room on a cart, surrounded by vegetables. Everyone applauds. Rich Looking Beardy Man [RLBM] informs them that moonrise is in 15 minutes, and dinner will be served shortly thereafter. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, waiters hand around champagne as RLBM discusses the possible ways to prepare werewolf meat. We follow a waiter out of the room and over to a knock at the front door. He peers through the peephole to see CG on the other side. He opens the door, and Gunn promptly knocks him out. Gunn, Wes, Angel and CG walk in, and Angel tells CG that HOTW better still be alive. Wes says that she will be, because when you kill a werewolf, it turns human again. Gunn is grossed out by the eating-HOTW-alive implications. I am too. RLBM appears, and Gunn points a shotgun at him as Angel knocks out the chef with a tray.

Sweeney: WHYWHYWHY DID THEY BRING UP THE KEEP HER ALIVE THING? That’s a logistical question which, once raised, gives you thoughts you can’t unthink. One of the grosser moments of the series right there. I’m so disturbed right now.

K: Right there with you, and I watched this episode like ten days ago. Angel rushes across the room, and unshackles HOTW. She tells him to leave her there, because she can’t go home ever again and that being eaten alive is better. “Nothing better about ending up in a doggy bag,” Angel says. Gunn sasses about the menu, failing to realise that armed guards have snuck up behind him and Wes. Angel tells RLBM that they’re not leaving without HOTW, and he replies that he’s willing to let his men die. Angel throws an urn up in the air and punches a guard. A fight breaks out, which isn’t helped by HOTW wolfing out and doing some throat ripping. She goes after Gunn, knocking him to the ground, but Wes shoots her with a tranquiliser dart.

Angel says that they’re going to leave now, but RLBM replies that his guests have paid a lot of money for werewolf meat, so NOPE. Conveniently, Werewolf!HOTW rolls over and bites CG’s ankle. He screams as Wes fires another tranquiliser dart at Werewolf!HOTW. Angel shrugs and informs RLBM that if he waits a month, he’ll have his werewolf meat. CG pleads for his life as RLBM’s men drag him away. Wes looks concerned.

Lor: Yeah, so do I. Watching Angel go, “just eat this other guy!” is really weird, and on par with him killing that SWAT team guy in the first episode. We’ve really seen the effect of keeping an evil organization alive already.

K: Seriously. I mean, I get that the guy was kind of evil. But he was also HUMAN. And ordinarily, that whole soul-having thing would kick in somewhere around here… Fred’s office. She turns the light on and jumps when she spots a barely visible Spike in the corner. She calls his name and he slowly turns towards her. She says that she’s been looking for him, and he replies tearfully that he didn’t think he’d be coming back this time. She tells him that they have to tell Angel, but he’s insistent that they don’t. She promises to find a way to bring him back properly, and he becomes increasingly opaque.

Lor: Again, apart from the stupidness of Spike not wanting to tell Angel, I question Fred’s loyalty to Spike. JUST TELL ANGEL, ANYWAY.

Sweeney: YES. She wants to help Spike and it’s just silly that she wouldn’t inform the rest of the gang what’s going on.

K: See, that would require Fred to be more than a pair of legs in a short skirt. Which she’s not any more. SIGH. HOTW’s house the next day. Angel pulls up outside, HOTW in the passenger seat. She looks sadly at her niece and sister, drawing on the footpath. She asks Angel how he copes with the whole inner monster/having killed people thing, and he tells her that soon she’ll see the werewolf as just part of who she is. She says quietly that she can’t tell her family. He tells her not to separate herself from her family, because that’s how the monster wins. “See you next month,” she says. She gets out of the car and heads over to join her sister and niece, who hug her. Angel watches a little sadly, then drives away.

Angel’s apartment. The Fang Gang marvel at the view, and Fred gives me feels by pointing at something and asking if it’s the Hyperion. Wes informs her that it’s the Centre for Scientology. Womp womp. Angel apologises for not having them over sooner. Lorne doesn’t care once he spots the bar. Gunn asks about RLBM and his gross eating people thing, and Angel informs them that he’s permanently out of business. Fred suggests Chinese food, and the gang agree. Gunn gives Angel some Eyebrows of Innuendo over HOTW. He says that she gave him a look. Wes joins in on the Eyebrows as Fred places the order, all once again well in Fang Gang Land.

This episode is just weird. I mean, I love the Fang Gang bonding session at the end, because it’s something that’s been lacking for a really long time now. But the rest is just wonk-tastic. So wonk-tastic, in fact, that I don’t have any words left. It’s weird. The end.

Next time on Angel, Spike starts seeing things as Fred fights to make him corporeal before he disappears for good. Find out more in S05 E04 – Hell-Bound.