Pretty Little Liars S03 E06 – Cheese fries.

Previously: Jenna told everyone she could see and had a party. Paige proceeded to get drunk and probably a little roofied at said party. Garrett was let out of jail to visit his sick mom.
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The Remains of A

Lorraine: Hanna stomps through the Rosewood Hospital looking for room 312. Spencer tries to slow her down and talk her through a plan. They are going to replace the note in Garrett’s Mom’s room with a fake note, meant to lead whoever Garret is working with to a location where the Liars will be waiting. Spencer knows all that part of the plan, but points out that they should probably pick out a location before stomping into the coma room. Hanna quickly picks the church. Apparently, the girls assume that whoever Garrett is trying to communicate with on the outside is also A. And Spencer is assuming that Lucas is A, because he doesn’t take showers. Or because they found those pills used to drug Emily amongst his things. Probably both.

Sweeney: Why are they finalizing this plan at the hospital? Surely this is the sort of conversation they should have had at some point prior to arriving and in some place less likely to be within earshot of A (see also: literally anywhere farther from the room where this note switcheroo is meant to happen.)

Lor: Because if they had their conversations in place where A couldn’t hear them, we would have a show.

Hanna still doesn’t think Lucas is A, but says that if he is, she’ll whack him with an oar. Spencer’s all, “woah-ho-ho,” about this oar threat. I probably need to adopt this into my vocabulary.

 

Spencer pulls out a pad of paper and Hanna offers to write the new note as she has some experience in forgery. The camera cuts to Hanna’s POV and looking down on the paper, we see that the entire sentence is already written, even though Hanna hasn’t even had time to move her pen. Hanna takes the note into Coma Mom’s room. No one in the ICU notices this.

Sara: Think of how easy it would be to just do a little unplugging on someone you didn’t like! At least we know that it isn’t just the Liars who are easy to kill.

Lor: Inside the room, Hanna puts the fake note in the original note’s hiding place: underneath Coma Mom’s hospital ID bracelet. Right after she does, Coma Mom starts going into cardiac arrest. The code is called over the PA system and Hanna runs the heck out of there.

SHHHHH.

Pedo-partment. Aria is texting with Spencer but lying to Ezra about it. She then asks how bad it would be if she cancelled on her first day of work. It’s not even said in like a jokey, “OMG I wish I could cancel! Work sucks!” way. It’s said in a, “this is a serious question. I’m 16.” kind of way. Ezra doesn’t pat her on the head, but does explain that she probably wouldn’t have a second day on the job if she did. Aria claims to really want to help her friends cheer Hanna up, but Ezra thinks she’s being insecure about her super photog abilities. He assures her that she’s up to the job and grabs the old timey camera he bought her. He snaps a few pictures and then hands it over to her, to remind her that she knows what she’s doing. Ezra poses a few times as some jaunty pop music picks up. It would be really cute if it were anyone else.

Sara: This is the story of my Ezria life. #CuteIfItWereAnyoneElse

Sweeney: These scenes throw me off because I realize how incredibly attractive this man actually is. This show has ruined this actor for me to the point that I just see PEDOPHILE! CREEPY PEDOPHILE! when I see him. I saw this and I was all, “Oh. He’s quite a pretty man. Huh.”

Lor: Uncomfortable thoughts!

Hastings House. Toby is talking and Spencer is ignoring him, instead paying attention to her text messages and her Google search of “April Rose, PA.” (Remember that Garrett’s Coma Mom note said, “April Rose has the proof.”) Toby calls Spencer on being distracted and she gives her stock excuse of having something or other due on Monday. He says he’ll let her work, and will just stare at her while she types. It’s creeplarious (creepy, in a funny way). And it leads to Spoby kisses. As always, you can count on us to locate Spoby kissing gifs:

 

Sweeney: Tumblr’s #ageappropriatelove gif hunters.

Lor: Kissing time is interrupted by Shitbag Hastings. Toby takes that as his cue to leave. Spencer asks where Mariska Mom is and Shitbag Hastings says she was called into work. After some needling, he reveals that the physical evidence against Garrett can’t be re-tested and Mariska Mom is pushing to have it ruled inadmissible. Spencer storms out of her house.

Hanna visits Emily at the One Coffee Shop in Rosewood. She gives Emily the address of the pick-up location her jacket from That Night came from, saying they’ll check it out tomorrow. Tonight, they are going to the church to see if A took their fake note bait.

Spencer waits on a park bench in town, still scouring the Internet for April Rose. New Jason meets her there, and he already knows all about the evidence against Garrett being thrown out. Spencer says she might know a way to keep the case from falling apart, but she needs New Jason’s help. She asks if he knows an April Rose, but he doesn’t. The shot pulls back and we see Shitbag Hastings spying on his children from across the street.

 

Sara: I wish I had a hair fan to follow me around and make me look model-y all day.

Lor: Hanna is still volunteering at the church and she’s either wearing similar clothes as the night before or this is the longest volunteer shift of all time. OR, once again, Rosewood Time is confusing me. The Volunteer Coordinator who was flirting with Ashley the night before (or earlier today) (OR WHATEVER) comes over to chit chat and to ask if Hanna is coming to the volunteer appreciation party later that night. Hanna brushes him off until it clicks in her head that the party is at the church, meaning it won’t be as deserted as the Liars thought it would be. Of course.

Park Bench of Plot Points. Jason admits that April Rose could be a girl he’s met before, but also he can’t remember high school. (S: Drugs are bad, mkay?) Spencer brings up the National Adolescent Terrorization Club and Jason claims he never filmed any of those girls. Spencer correctly guesses that he watched the videos of little girls, though. Plus, he admits that the filming was all his idea. Jason says that even though Ian and Garrett were the only other two official members of the NAT club, he suspects that Ian was working with or for other people.

Sara: Ugh, this is all so super gross. And what makes it even grosser is how chill the show seems to be about the fact that a 17 year old boy was watching videos of 14 year olds naked. 

Sweeney: Girls who were unaware that they were being filmed/violated. That’s how fucked this show’s benchmark is for appropriate behavior involving adolescent girls.

Lor: And with no kind of segue to a goodbye, he’s just all, “okay. Leaving now.”

Pedo-partment. Ezra is showering and Aria is putting on her shoes, but finds she’s missing a sock. She looks under the bed for like one second. OMG. I typed that line and then I was hit by the fear that I have become my mother. DID YOU LOOK, ARIA? DID YOU REALLY LOOK? IF I COME OVER THERE AND I FIND THE DAMN SOCK…

Anyway, Aria’s bright idea is to go into her boyfriend’s sock drawer. I really, really hope her plan was to steal a pair of socks, and not just the one missing sock. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE EVIL. In Ezra’s sock drawer, she finds a Ziplock bag stuffed with money. EZRA IS A STRIPPER! The shower stops and Aria freaks out. She arranges the socks back over the stripper money and tries to run out of there. Ezra comes out in a robe and wants a proper goodbye but she just peck kisses him and runs off. He looks after her like, “UGH. Puberty mood swings are the worst.” #fetusgirlfriendproblems

Rosewood’s One Restaurant’s Patio Section. Hanna can’t believe that Spencer straight asked New Jason about April Rose. I should’ve mentioned this before but I really find it hilarious that they are assuming April Rose is a person they need to find. And by the way they are all, “who could this girl be?!?!” I’m almost confident it will not in fact be a girl. They make all kinds of leaps in logic I don’t quite follow (A! Garrett! Murder! Stalker tapes!) before Aria joins them. In a throwaway moment that makes me love Hanna even more, Spencer asks if she wants to split cheese fries and Han’s all, “NOPE. I want my own.” Damn right you want your own cheese fries. (S: +1, girlfriend.) (S: PREACH. Cheese fries are the highlight of this episode.)

Hanna fills Aria in on her new plan since the church is going to be full of people for the volunteer party: Hanna and Emily are going to hide by the organ and see who shows up. Spencer isn’t happy with this genius plan and warns Hanna to be careful.

Hanna goes for a potty break. Aria is super engrossed in her own problems and Spencer notices. She asks Spencer if it’s weird to have thousands of dollars lying around your house. Spencer jokes that if you do, you probably also have a bomb shelter. Aria laughs until Spencer adds, “or you’re a criminal.” OR A STRIPPER. (S: EW, STOP IT RIGHT NOW.)

Shitbag Hastings confronts New Jason and asks him to leave Spencer alone. He wants her focused on her future and not on a murder trial. Jason says maybe he should be talking to Mariska Mom. Shitbag Hastings says that Mariska Mom didn’t take on the case out of spite or hate. He tries to appeal to Jason, saying that he just wants Spencer to be able to put the trial and “your sister” behind her. Jason’s all, “which sister? Turns out I have more than one.” He leaves Shitbag to stew in the smoke of that sick burn.

Emily is checking out the drop-off spot where her jacket from That Night was left. Nothing looks suspicious, but she does spot a little diner across the street that throws her into a hazy flashback. She heads to check it out.

Sara: I love convenient hazy flashback time! Also, is the flashback based off of this painting? 

 

Lor: Nice catch! It looked a ton like it.

There Should Be Laws Against Volunteer Shifts This Long Church. Mama Marin is here to pick up Hanna, but also a little bit to talk to Volunteer Coordinator. Hanna gives her an, “ew” and especially so after she reveals that she’ll be his date tonight. Hanna panics, because tonight she plans on executing her brilliant plan of hiding behind an organ. She blurts out that she can’t ride to the party with her mom because she’s going to the party with Toby. Ashley actually pays attention to her daughter’s life and knows that Toby is Spencer’s boyfriend. Hanna adds to the lie by saying that there is a boy volunteer who won’t leave her alone, so she figured bringing Toby would make him back off.

Later, Hanna is begging Spencer to ask Toby to come with her. Spencer doesn’t understand why Hanna couldn’t lie better. She doesn’t want Toby involved. Hanna says she can laugh all she wants but this is important. Spencer isn’t laughing. She’s been trying to find APRIL ROSE, WHO IS A GIRL with every spare moment she’s got.

The Tinkly Music starts up as Spencer says that last year, she used to fantasize about what her life would be like if she had never met Ali. Her biggest concern at the moment would be picking a college, instead of detecting the shit out of things. Every time she goes down that road, though, she reminds herself that if she hadn’t met Ali, she wouldn’t be friends with Hanna. And with that she lends Hanna her boyfriend. Hanna says they’ll stop the new A just like they stopped Mona. “It’s now or never,” she mocks us, because it’s episode 6 of a million episode season and it took two seasons to “stop” Mona.

Sweeney: This is also the second, “Borrow my boyfriend,” plot I can think of in their quest to stop A. That’s a weird sub-theme to be developing. In Hanna’s defense, she did loan hers out first. It just awkwardly turned out that she loaned her boyfriend to A.

Lor: Flashback Diner. Emily finishes up her meal when one of the place mats sends her into a flashback. She sees a past! place mat and someone writing, “sorry I left you.” The waitress looks at her and says she doesn’t look too good, and tells whoever is with her to get her home stat. It’s a man (or a woman with very manly hands) who has a round tattoo on the inside of his wrist. Emily snaps out of it and takes off.

New Jason visits Spencer at the Hastings House to tell her April Rose is not a “her” but an “it.” It’s an antique shop. Well. That reveal happened much faster than I expected.

Sara: It’s always so disarming when things are revealed within one episode rather than, say, half a season.

Sweeney: The Liars only got to be loud and wrong about this one thing for about twenty minutes. It can’t be that important.

Lor: Church Party. Last episode it was a Happy Not Blind Birthday party and now a church party. These girls are forcing me to dust off the “another effin’ dance tag.” I like it. Toby (in a suit and with his hair all.. coiffed) asks Hanna which boy it is who was bothering her. She points out a nerdy looking wallflower and he waves shyly. I’m pretty sure Toby tries to glare at him but it kind of looks like he wants to kiss him a little?

Ashley introduces Volunteer Coordinator [VC] to Toby and then says it’s time to find the adult beverages, because she is awesome. VC half laughs and says they aren’t serving alcohol, ’cause you know church. Ashley then jokes about finding someone to turn water into wine and letting her root beer sit long enough to ferment. I LOVE HER. After that, Wilden walks into the party and Hanna grabs Toby and they skedaddle.

April Rose is Not A Girl Shop. There is an old lady sitting behind a display shelf with earphones on, rocking back and forth. Spencer and Jason greet her but she doesn’t acknowledge them. Every shop we’ve been to in Rosewood has some creepy ass staff. I’m starting to think that maybe Rosewood does have more than one restaurant and and coffee shop, but you don’t go there because Rosewood is run by creepy people. Anyway, an old man comes bustling out. Jason asks if maybe he’s holding anything for anyone, but the guy is like, “vague much?” They keep talking and Spencer looks around until she spots an anklet on a mannequin that throws her into an Aliback.

Spencer sits on her bed flipping through a movie collection. Alison is on a seat nearby, painting her toenails. Spencer notices the anklet and says it’s pretty. Ali says she’s never going to take it off, but then claims that it was a gift from just a friend. Done with her toes, she takes off her robe to reveal a party dress. She’s going out to pick up some fake IDs for the girls. Spencer is upset because whenever they make plans she breaks them if something better comes along. Ali says she’s trying to make sure they have an awesome summer. I’m mostly worried because she put on some peep-toe heels and you know that just ruined her fresh pedicure. (S: This bothered me more than it should have.) Anyway, Ali says her friend who Spencer doesn’t know is there to pick her up and is on her way.

Sara: Also, I am a legal adult who could not walk in those heels and this 15-year old is somehow managing just fine.

Lor: In the present, Spencer is showing Jason the anklet. The old man has never seen the piece and figures that since it has no tags, it’s just for display. Jason buys it off him with $400 from his Tree of Inherited Wealth.

Hanna calls Emily who is just getting home from the Flashback Diner. Hanna asks her to hurry to the party because Toby is getting suspicious and Wilden is hovering.

Toby finds Hanna and asks if she wants to dance and she turns him down. He huffs away so Hanna feels bad and follows after him. They awkwardly slow dance.

Ashley’s date seems to be going well and the Volunteer Coordinator invites her out again. She suggests Sunday, but he chuckles that he’s busy then. Ashley doesn’t catch on so she suggests, “Sunday after that?” Nope. ‘Cause he’s a Pastor. Ashley is uncomfortable.

Toby and Hanna are still swaying, but Hanna’s attention is all over the place. Toby asks why he’s here. Hanna claims she wanted to go to a party, but Toby, in another throwaway line that wins my heart says he’s had naps more exciting than this party. I know he means to diss the party but I’m just walking away with NAPS ARE SUPER EXCITING. (S: ACCURATE.) (S: YUP.) Toby asks if all of this has anything to do with Caleb, and Hanna says, “in a way.” Their chat is interrupted by Mama Marin who wants to talk to Hanna. She leaves and Toby calls Spencer and leaves a message. He wants to know why he was lied to.

Ashley and Hanna have a touching mother/daughter moment where Ashley freaks out about having ruined her date and Hanna says no one is perfect.

Emily arrives at the Church Party and is greeted by Holden. I can’t even remember when the last time we saw Holden was. Do we still think he’s a drug dealer? I remember him possibly being a drug dealer. (S: Karate master, actually!) (L: GOT IT.) I have no idea why he’s here, at the Church Party. But alas. Emily is in a rush to find Hanna and Holden’s all, “relax, have a cupcake.” That brilliant segue leads us to Holden offering Emily a cupcake in the most awkward way possible. He’s cupping the whole cupcake in his palm and the Zoomy Cameraman is all, “HEY. GUYS. LOOK. LOOK AT HIS WRIST.” Because there is a tattoo on the inside of his wrist. The same one Emily remembered in flashback.

Except, jokes, it isn’t a tattoo. Holden explains that it’s an entrance stamp for a party that changes venues. In fact, he saw Emily’s “friend” there a few times. Em asks who and he only offers, “your girlfriend?” Emily asks, “Maya?” and Holden doesn’t confirm or deny and just leaves. Weird.

Sweeney: He’s super nonchalant about Maya, too, as if her murder wasn’t the sort of BFD thing that everyone in town knows about.

Lor: Ashley finds Pastor Volunteer Coordinator and invites him to dance. En route to the dance floor, Detective Wilden comes over and makes Ashley very uncomfortable with his, “haven’t seen you in a while but our paths will cross again,” comments. Shortly after, Ashley tells Pastor Volunteer she has a headache and has to go home.

Spencer listens to Toby’s message outside of the police department. Jason joins her as he’s just turned in evidence to the police! WHAT IS THAT? What a freakin’ plot twist!! Evidence. The police. Let’s hope this isn’t like that one time the Liars found blood on a trophy and got in trouble for telling the police. Anyway, Spencer and Jason talk about Alison and what kind of person she could’ve turned into, since she was pretty much a bitch through and through.

Church Party. Emily finds Hanna and quickly fills her in on the conversation with Holden. Emily wants to look for Holden and Hanna wants go wait for A inside the church, so they part ways again. In the church, it’s dark and we get quick cuts of every creepy thing there is in a church. Hanna hears someone coming and picks the not at all stealthy hiding place of in between two pews. The person waiting by the organ is a man in a suit. He finds Hanna and it’s none other than Wilden, holding up the fake Coma Mom note Hanna wrote. The nurse found it and handed it over to the police. Hanna denies any involvement, but Wilden just asks her why she’s helping “him.” Presumably, Garrett. Hanna says her mother is downstairs, but Wilden knows Ashley left. THEN, he says that Ashley probably created a lot of problems at Hanna’s age, but then again, Ashlely knows how to get rid of problems. HE’S REFERENCING THE FACT THAT SHE DID SO WITH HER VAGINA. WHAT IS HE INSINUATING? EW.

Sara: Excuse me, I’ll be back after I finish SHOWERING ALL THE EW FROM THIS FUCKING EPISODE OFF.

Sweeney: I WATCHED THIS A COUPLE HOURS AGO AND I’M STILL NOT CLEANSED OF SKEEVY SCENE.

Lor: Just focus on the cheese fries.

Pedo-partment. Ezra is enjoying a beer and watching a movie. A beer he cannot enjoy with his girlfriend… Speak of the infant devil, she lets herself into the apartment and greets Ezra coldly. She had a bad day at work because she was distracted by what she found in his sock drawer. Ezra explains the money: he sold an old car his grandpa left him and received payment in cash so the buyer could get a tax break. Aria’s all, “why wouldn’t you tell me about this,” and he snaps that it’s embarrassing that a few months ago he was a professor and now he’s answering want ads and reusing coffee filters.

 

SHOULDN’T HAVE DATED YOUR STUDENT, ASSHOLE.

The next morning, Shitbag Hastings wants to have a chat with Spencer. Mariska Mom isn’t there for this chat because she hates her daughter. Turns out the police have been looking for Alison’s anklet for two years and it took Spencer and Jason one night to find it. Nice work, LOLPD. The anklet had trace amounts of blood on it: Alison’s and someone else who isn’t Garrett. The case has been thrown out and Garrett is free. I don’t know why it never crossed her mind that Garrett might be leading someone to evidence to prove his INNOCENCE, but there you have it.

Spencer runs up the stairs and breaks down. She screams and cries into a pillow before grabbing her cell phone. Before she can call anyone, she gets a text message from A, saying Garrett isn’t the killer. Thanks for that, A. Pretty sure she’s finally got that much.

A-nonymous: A eats some fruity ice cream deal and looks at the classifieds. S/he circles one about rooms for rent and dials as we cut to black. It looks like this is all happening in a dungeon, too, so I can’t blame A for wanting an upgrade.

 

Next time: Even more evidence turns up in the Ali murder case and Hanna fears she’s being framed in Pretty Little Liars S03 E07 – Crazy.