Angel S05 E08 – Two too many

Previously: Wesley’s negligent father dropped in and he killed him, but then it turned out that it was just a negligent father robot.
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Destiny

Lorraine: People in the comments were taking bets on how we would react to this episode which would’ve been all I needed to figure out that the Number Gods have seen it fit to gift me with YET ANOTHER Spike episode. It might be a good thing, though. At least I know it won’t be an episode where they shoehorn him in to give one or two punchlines that could be delivered by literally anyone else on the whole team.

Sweeney: You mean *gasp* character development? What’s this mythical concept you speak of? Lor put it best in the comments, but it’s worth reiterating here: didn’t even like this character but WOW has he been badly used by the AtS writers so far.

Kirsti: Seriously. They’ve managed to turn him into a bunch of pointless, snarky one-liners and numerous bickering sessions.

Lor: And on that note: we start at the Royal London Hotel, and there is a helpful “England” included there so we’re clear. It’s 1880. A recently turned William and Drusilla enter the room, giggling and groping each other. William-Not-Yet-Spike asks Dru if this is her room, and she explains that it belonged to the dead couple on the couch in front of them. Angelus ate them. William asks who Angelus is, but cuts off mid-sentence, probably because he can sense the presence of his terrible wig. (K: A+.) He looks to the side and Angelus is lurking in the shadows. He’s back lit, so we can’t make out his features, but the outline of his terrible wig is clear as day.

Dru wants to introduce Darla to William, but Angelus explains that she’s gone because they got into a spat because she ran off to her “precious master.” His accent is back.

His accent. is back.

Sweeney: A whole flashback episode full of it, too. WITHOUT  EVEN THE ADDED GLORY OF DARLA TO MAKE UP FOR IT. Many sads. On the plus side, this is either the last or one of the last times we ever have to hear it. Back on the downside you have to pause a lot to make sure you catch all the dumb shit he says in that awful accent.

K: And I’m pretty sure that his accent is not only back, but worse than ever. YAY. O.o

Lor: Angelus grabs William and sticks his arm into a ray of sunlight, all while he makes a speech laced with homoerotic tones about how he’s had fun with the girls but has been wondering what it’d be like to share his evil escapades with a man *eyebrow waggle.* Spike breaks away and Angelus puts his own hand in the sun, watching it sizzle. I guess he’s supposed to be a badass or something. I can’t take his hair seriously. Spike put his hand in the sun and Angelus laughs that he thinks they’ll be the best of friends.

K: I swear to God, this entire scene was just trolling the Spangel shippers. Because it’s the gayest gay that ever gayed. Angel’s practically going “LOOK HOW BIG AND THICK MY…ARM…IS.” He even says, “you don’t think that makes me some kind of deviant, do you?” while staring at Spike. Excuse me while I bring this gif back:

 

Lor: With that we abruptly cut to present day, Wolfram & Hart. Angel tells Spike to get the hell away from him because he isn’t getting an office. Spike calls him selfish. All of the other gang gets there own spaces. Angel is all, “you don’t even go here!” Spike suggests just taking Wesley’s office since he’s gone and Angel calls back that Wes is on a leave of absence (K: Getting married to Willow!). He goes into his office, but that doesn’t stop Spike from yelling a “boohoo!” about Wesley, since he once staked his mother while she was coming onto him. Glad to know he’s at the place where he can yell about this traumatic life event. Harmony is at her desk and says that little tidbit explains a lot. Spike starts to walk away but she calls him back because he’s got mail.

Who would be sending a ghost a package? Harmony opens the box for Spike and the screen flashes white. There’s nothing else in the box. Harmony picks up the phone and there’s a loud screech that makes her pull away. Spike tries to walk into Angel’s office through the door and walks straight into it. He falls back and is complaining until it dawns on him: he just ran into something!

Electric Cellos.

After credits, Spike’s nose is bleeding and he’s so excited he touching Angel’s chest a lot. Mmmhmm. We know that’s the first thing you wanted to touch, Spike. He’s all, “I can touch!” and then he licks his own nose blood and gets really excited about it. I feel like this has happened before. (K: Season 5, episode 4. “Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood.“) Realizing that he can eat again, he grabs Angel’s cup o’ blood and slurps it. The phones all around Wolfram & Hart are ringing off the hook.

Gunn comes over to ask what’s going on and he gets a big fat hug from Spike. Gunn wants to know how this corporeal thing happened. Spike doesn’t know for sure, but guesses it had to do with the white flash mail. Angel calls Harmony and asks what’s going on with the phones. She doesn’t know. It’s happening all over the office but all all that’s on the other line is that screeching noise. Plus, the computers are freaking out.

Spike seems to really notice Harmony and he grabs her and plants a kiss on her. She pushes him away and wipes at her mouth. He grabs her arm possessively and tells Angel that he’s going to borrow Harmony. Angel says no, but apparently Spike wasn’t asking permission. I don’t know if you heard, but he has a history with that sort of thing.

K: UGH. GROSS. Can we go back to the homoerotic subtext now? 

Lor: Harmony breaks out of his hold again and says that just because he’s solid again doesn’t mean anything. Spike compliments her skirt and smiles. She smiles back and they run off.

We flashback to Angelus and Spike laughing in a carriage. Apparently they just attacked a wedding and the bride is dying quietly next to Angelus. He offers her to Spike for a drink, but Spike passes. He’s thinking he’s going to meet up with Drusilla for a while, to make her happy. Angel says Dru is super special, but Spike thinks it’s more than that. She’s his destiny. Angelus stops the coach and sends Spike on his way, telling him to be home before sunrise. I don’t appreciate both the daddy tones and the homo-eroticism. WEIRD.

Sweeney: RIGHT? Pick one.

K: SERIOUSLY. Even Game of Thrones doesn’t have both of those covered at once. 

Lor: Spike kicks a man out of his office so he can use it with Harmony. Displaced Man goes to complain to his friend Jerry about it, but when Jerry turns toward him, his eyes are all red and bloody. “TONER,” Jerry says in a demonic voice, and I laugh forever. (1) – because what the fuck am I watching and (2) – I’m pretty sure I’ve felt that way before when I’ve encountered a toner-less printer. #officelife

Then Jerry starts attacking Displaced Man with a fire extinguisher because no one replaced the toner. Okay, I swear I’ve never felt that way about toner. Calm down, Jerry.

Sweeney: But I guess Spike can keep that office now.

K: I’ve felt that way about toner, but mostly because we have to email the IT department about it and wait for them to turn up with more and change the cartridge. Which is really fucking infuriating when you’re in the middle of a print job…

Lor: No one stand around Kirsti when she’s trying to print. Just in case.

Fred finds Angel and Gunn and explains just how fritzy things are going. Angel says it’s like an electrical surge, but Fred suspects it’s something else. Angel notices that Spike drank all his blood and calls out to Harmony. Gunn reminds him that she’s off having a “nooner” with Spike. Fred is surprised and Gunn starts to explain what a nooner is. She tersely tells him that she’s quite aware of the definition, she’s just shocked about the “Spike” part of it. She’s upset that no one called her to tell her he was corporeal again. Angel apologizes. They had their hands full with all the weird things going on in the office… which started just as Spike became solid again. He connects the dots, even commenting on how he can’t believe it took him this long to do so.

I’m saying.

Sweeney: Word. You’re embarrassing yourself, Angel.

K: The Fang Gang is hella slow on the uptake today. Probably because Lorne and Wesley aren’t around.

Lor: Fred hypothesizes that whatever happened to Spike had an effect on their immediate surroundings, or maybe it’s something bigger. Eve shows up to confirm that it is in fact a global catastrophe. It’s a harbinger. Then she says they’ve got trouble with a capital T which rhymes with P which stands for prophecy. I’m really confused right now because I usually automatically love anyone who makes a Music Man reference, but Eve is weird and that was a terrible fucking line of dialogue. BUT THE MUSIC MAN.

K: BUT SO CLUNKY.

Lor: I know. I know.

The prophecy in question is the Shanshu Prophecy. It tells of a souled vampire, a champion playing a pivotal role in the apocalypse. Fred thought it was more about Angel getting to be human again, but that’s just the epilogue. Plus, the prophecy doesn’t name Angel by name. Gunn understands that she’s implying Spike might be the vampire. All Eve knows is that Spike’s existence is throwing things out of whack. Things were okay when Spike was just a souled vampire, but when he saved the world he also became a champion. Things were still okay when he was a ghost. Now he’s back, though, and catastrophe.

K: OKAY, SHOW. WHATEVER YOU SAY.

Lor: Gunn leaves to check on something. Fred accuses Eve of knowing this would happen all along, but she denies it. She appears to not even know how it all happened. Angel says that something came in the mail for Spike, just like Spike came in the mail via amulet. Fred accuses the Senior Partners of all this shitty mail, but again, Eve claims to only know what she’s told. Angel asks what all this stuff is a harbinger for and Eve answers, “something worse.” Thank you, Eve. That was totally helpful.

Displaced Dead Man’s Office. Spike and Harmony are having fully clothed sex. Harmony calls out Spike’s name but he shushes her, telling her not to ruin the moment (for him) by talking. But something is wrong. Harmony’s eyes are red and bloody. She bites into Spike’s neck and that gets him out and off of her in a jiff. She starts yelling that she isn’t his and that he doesn’t even want her. He wants the “slayer whore.” Harmony charges at Spike, and he knocks her out with a single punch.

Sweeney: When we see them standing up, Spike’s pants are magically back up and belted, which are just not things that could have happened given how quickly this all happened.

K: Also, when the camera panned up to them having sex, I’m pretty sure it showed Harmony’s skirt on the floor. And yet, when she stands up, she’s wearing it…

Lor: I don’t even know.

In the copy area, Lorne, Eve and Angel are watching as Toner Murderer is being strapped to a gurney. On the wall behind them all, TONER is written in blood. A security guard reports two more attacks and one fatality, so Angel shuts down the building. Angel sends Lorne to tell Fred he needs to know what’s causing this ASAP. I’m pretty sure she already knew that, but okay.

Eve walks with Angel, telling him he already knows exactly what’s going on. This all has to do with Angel and Spike. And speak of him, Spike’s leaving the Displaced Dead Man’s Office. Eve fills him in on the “too many champions, not enough world!” theory. Spike thinks he’ll just leave (to Europe naturally!) (all of it!) but Eve says that might even make their problems worse.

K: This whole “you’re causing a tear in the fabric of reality” plot is reminding me a little too much of the recent seasons of Doctor Who…

Lor: Gunn gets off the elevator near them. He went to go talk with Bagheera in the white room, but both the cat and the room were gone. Their communication with the Senior Partners is gone, meaning they are alone in this. Angel begrudgingly asks Spike to stay until they work this out. Eve thinks maybe if they determine who the prophecy is about they can just do something about it. Like what, Eve? Kill the other guy? I’m not following.

Sweeney: This made no sense, but then it’s been so long since things made sense on this show that I guess I don’t fault all the characters for saying, “YEAH, OK! BULLSHIT SOUNDS GOOD!”

Lor: Angel says he read the prophecy and Spike gets on his case for reading it, because he said he didn’t believe in it. It’s kind of a dumb comment, though. Reading it in this situation is still a smart move. Angel says there is nothing in it that implicates who the champion is. Wesley isn’t there to help, but maybe someone in his department can. Angel again insists that he already read the damn thing.

We cut to Sirk (‘member him?) scoffing at the idea that Angel read the prophecy. He read a translation of the prophecy which is totally not even the same thing. Thankfully, it just so happens that there is a newly translated group of verses that may help: The root of the tree will split in two and each then will seek nourishment from the buried river. Sirk explains that it’s a metaphor. The rest of it says, “the balance will falter until the vampire with a soul drinks from the cup of perpetual torment.” That part is not a metaphor. If we’re talking about kitchenware, I’d much rather stick with Goblets of Win. As Spike notes, perpetual torment cannot taste good.

Sweeney: I don’t know why we went with shirts – we really should have gotten into the kitchenware game, marketing those Big Ass Goblets of Win.

K: I’ll take six. Big Ass Goblets of Win are the only way I’ll get through the rest of this season. 

Lor: Add it to spreadsheet of dreams!

The vampire who drinks from the torment cup will have the weight of the world upon him until he saves creation or destroys it. That sounds a little like what Spike already did with the whole being crushed by the Hellmouth thing. The rest of the prophecy is what we’ve heard before about that vampire having his past washed clean and living again in the mortal coil. Angel and Spike get snippy about who the prophecy is about. Sirk says there is no way to get this wrong. Whoever drinks from the cup is the one who was meant to drink from the cup. The cup is currently in Nevada in Death Valley.

K: I love all these ancient prophecies that end with “And it’s within 4 hours’ drive of where you are now!” I mean, they have practically infinite resources. Why couldn’t the prophecy say it’s in Timbuktu? Or the Himalayas? Or New Zealand? Surely someone need to motorcycle somewhere impractical about now…

Lor: Because of the reveal later, proximity makes sense here, but yes, good point.

Angel says he’ll just go drive there and leaves Gunn in charge, but lo and behold, Spike already took off to get it.

Sweeney: There’s a bit about columns and singing and Angel’s all, “OH! The opera house that was destroyed about a century ago! Obvi.” Bringing this up because Angel/Art.

Lor: Loyal to your OTP.

Angel calls Spike and they argue about who the prophecy is about. I still have no patience for their bickering. THIS ISN’T FUN FOR ME.

Sweeney: The bickering is not fun on this end either. Some of the sloppy narrative stuff has a not-fun factor that is directly related to whether or not you have the unfortunate task of recapping and, in effect, actually thinking about the lack of sense. The bickering is not in that category. The bickering is just tedious, regardless of how you’re watching.

K: YUP. Although I find it much more tolerable if you picture how it was filmed – each actor sitting in a car talking to himself on a fake phone and pretending to steer a stationary vehicle down a highway.

Lor: Gunn is trying to keep order at the law firm. Eve is apparently going to keep wandering from place to place just talking to people a lot and then repeating that for real, for real, she’s just a messenger. Nothing more.

Desert of Kill Me Now. Angel and Spike both make it to the opera house and Spike tells us again how he saved the world. Angel’s all, “MY GOD IT WAS ONE TIME.” They start looking for the cup. FLASHBACK: Angelus is screwing Drusilla and Spike walks in on them. He’s pissed.

Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me this rivalry is all about girl problems? I AM SHOCKED. WOW. WHAT AN AMAZING TURN OF EVENTS.

Sweeney: THE RIVALRY IS ALL ABOUT THEM DECIDING WHO GETS TO PISS ON THE GIRL AND ~*OWN*~ HER? STUNNING AND UNEXPECTED!

K: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?? I HAD LITERALLY NO IDEA OMG. I hate everything.

Lor: Angel sees the Torment Cup and stares at it for a long time and walks toward it slowly, allowing Spike to catch up. They both stand there and look at it and Angel asks what they do now. Spike punches him in the face and these two finally get have their fight, chock full of, “you think you are something special but you aren’t” speeches. Spike says he’s totally different than Angel because Angel had a soul forced on him, and Spike chose his soul. He fought for it and he brings up those stupid ass demon trials because it was the right thing to do and it was his destiny. Angel calls his bullshit and says he heard it was all to get into a girl’s pants. And also brought on by the fact that he tried to force himself into said pants. BUT TOMATO TO-MAH-TO, RIGHT?

K: Just stopping by to mention that that last sentence was very confusing to me on account of I already pronounce it to-mah-to… Also, UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

Lor: Wolfram & Hart. Fred still doesn’t have any answers. It seems that this thing could effect anyone. On cue, Gunn is possessed. He goes crazy on Eve, choking her and demanding that she show him what she truly is. Fred tries to tranquilize Gunn, but he smacks her aside. She grabs a stool and knocks him over the head instead.

Desert Opera House. Fight, fight, fight. These two selfish pricks. DON’T WORRY. THE WORLD ISN’T ENDING OR ANYTHING. (K: I’m too busy giggling about the terrible sound effects they’ve put over their “sword” fight. I’m pretty sure rebar doesn’t go “Ting ting ting, swoosh swoosh, ting clatter.”) Spike says Angel’s already chosen what side he’s fighting on. Angel says it’s more complicated than that. He calls Spike, “Willy” which throws us into another Terrible Wig Flashback. Spike is showing an impressive range of emotion for a soulless vampire. (S: SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE.) Angelus gives a big speech about how nothing belongs to him, not even Drusilla. (K: A speech that would have been so much better had it come from Drusilla) Angelus stands and grabs Dru and tells Spike to come and take her if he wants her. Spike rushes toward her and in the present we cut to Spike knocking Angel down, away from the Torment Cup.

The boys take turns punching each other in the face and Spike says that the reason Angel hates him is because he blames himself for making Spike a monster. Angel’s all, “yeah, no.” Angel just opened the door to the real him. Spike picks up a cross and hits Angel with it.

Spike thinks Angel was just praying there was someone as disgusting as he was so he could stand to live with himself. Probably not, because you know, VAMPIRE back then. Didn’t really think of himself as disgusting. Spike says he’s nothing like Angel, and Angel says he’s less than. AND YAY! IT’S TIME TO BRING BUFFY INTO THIS! Angel says that that’s why Buffy never loved him.

AND THEN! AND THEN! Spike says Buffy must’ve been thinking about Angel all those times he was “putting it to her.”

And then they fight some more.

And then they vamp out.

Sweeney: I’ll stop recycling this gif when the feeling stops being true:

K: Meanwhile, I’ll be over here: 

Lor: Wolfram & Hart. Eve is pretty upset about almost being choked to death. Fred is being kind to her, but Eve says she know what they all think of her. Fred tries to deny it, but Eve says she’s not the bad guy and walks away.

Spike and Angel are still fighting. The music tries to make this epic, but it’s been going on forever. Spike gets in the last blow and has an opportunity to dust Angel, but doesn’t. He says it’s so he won’t have to hear “her” bitch about it. Spike grabs the cup and Angel tells him that it isn’t a prize. It’s a cross to bear that will burn him to ashes. Angel asks if he really wants this destiny or if he just wants to take something away from Angel. Spike says it’s a bit of both and drinks.

He drops the cup dramatically and announces that it’s Mountain Dew. They look at each other like, “FUCK. I HATE MOUNTAIN DEW.”

Sweeney: Fair. It is a terrible beverage.

K: Especially if it’s flat, which I imagine it would be after sitting around in a goblet for the 3000 years that this fight’s been going on. Also, I’m calling Angel gets impaled! shots, because of reasons. Also also, nowhere is James Marsters’ questionable English accent more questionable than when he says the word ‘dew.’ Because ‘dew’ and ‘do’ have different pronunciations, y’all. 

Lor: Back at Wolfram & Hart, Angel tells Fred that the cup was a fake and it was all a set-up. Spike says Sirk is gone. All of the affected people start coming to.

We cut to Eve explaining that the Senior Partners fixed it!

They managed to find a temporary balance to the equilibrium of the universe. Eve assures Angel that they didn’t know anything about Sirk putting them up to the cup thing and says they’ll find Sirk soon.

Sweeney: Again, hasty and low with the sense making but NOBODY QUESTIONS. These assholes deserved to be fucked with.

K: SO MUCH OMG.

Lor: Gunn tries to apologize Eve, but she tells him not to sweat it as there are more important things to worry about. Like the Shanshu thing. Spike leaves to go drink. Gunn asks if Angel is okay, and he isn’t, because in the end, Spike beat him to the cup. Spike was stronger. Spike wanted it more. Gunn doesn’t think it means anything, but Angel is unsure.

Eve’s Apartment. The walls are covered in symbols. She tells someone we can’t see that the cup thing worked perfectly and Sirk made his escape. Spike didn’t kill Angel either. Eve undresses and climbs into bed and we see… LINDSEY!

Do you hear that guys? THAT’S THEM COWBOY BOOTS OF REVENGE YOU HEAR.

Sweeney: OH MY GOD THE COWBOY BOOTS OF REVENGE. I HAD FORGOTTEN. At first I was all, “LOL, LINDSEY? WUT?” and now it’s, “LOLOLOL BEST,” because there’s no other way to describe my feelings for those cowboy boots. Also, they’re a reminder of the hot second when this was almost a good show.

K: NGL, that’s still the tag I’m most proud of creating. And LINDSEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am excited about this show for the first time in approximately 5eva. Especially now that he has a hilarious bad boy earring.

Lor: I feel pretty #meh about this episode. We’ve seen worse so far, and we’ve seen perhaps one or two better. From here until we finish the series, I don’t think our main complaints about this show will change. It’s just not, and has never been, very good at producing tight plots. I suppose it may be a forgivable sin to those who are invested in the characters, but I’m not all that impressed by these characters at the moment either.

The plot surrounding solid Spike, and that throwing everything into a massive nondescript turmoil is silly and sloppy. The world in total chaos means screeching noises on phones and random people being possessed to do… what exactly? Bleed from the eyes and be super angry? WHY?

I get that William as a vampire is supposed to be an extension of William as a human– obsessive, romantic, socially awkward. It causes a few moments of pause for me when some of these characteristic, or expressions of them, seem to go against what I’ve previously believed a vampire to be. Essentially, it comes down to the whole WHAT IS A SOUL question that you may have an answer for, and I may have an answer for, but the Buffyverse has not given us a (consistent) answer for. But okay. William decided that Drusilla is his destiny, probably without consulting her in the matter. Spike decides for the women in his life as we’ve seen time and time again, even here in this episode with Harmony.  So, William decided on Dru and then Angelus boffed Dru. Before this, those two seemed pretty chummy.

K: Uh, yeah. Based on the homoerotic vibe that first flashback scene gave off, William should have joined in the boffing. Or been jealous because Angelus was boffing Dru and not him. Or something. But that the whole rivalry boils down to a “she’s MY property” thing was just awful.

Lor: It’s gross. It’s cheap. And I cannot get over that these two men who spend a whole episode talking about being heroes and champions are holding this grudge over shit that happened when neither of them had souls. During the entire course of this episode, neither one of them felt like heroes to me. Perhaps we’ll see them grow from this place in the future, but it’s frustrating because after spending so many seasons already with them, and especially Angel, it feels like a regression.

Sweeney: SO. MUCH. REGRESSION. As you helpfully reminded us/them, shit’s gone to hell and they’re having that petty ass fight? I can’t handle it.

Lor: This whole season so far, Angel has been suffering with a bit of a lack of motivation and I think we see some of that here. Does he really believe in the prophecy or not? Angel accuses Spike of just wanting to take something away from him, but I think the opposite rings more true. I think Angel is fighting here more against Spike than for the cup.

I mentioned this already, but Eve is weird. It’s mostly her dialogue and delivery. She reminds me a little of Angelica Pickle’s mom from Rugrats, who used to talk out of the side of her mouth.

K: All in all, I guess the verdict is that I win the “Guess how the Snark Ladies will react to this episode” game from the comments last time. Score.

 

Next time: Harmony’s scared she killed a man because I guess she isn’t THAT kind of vampire in Angel S05 E09 – Harm’s Way.