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Game of Thrones S04 E02 – And then he dies.

Previously: We caught up with most of the key players in King’s Landing and joined Arya and The Hound on their bro-trip murder tour where she got every little girl’s dream: a pony.
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The Lion and the Rose

Sweeney: Lying lying credits on fire and Winterfell’s inexplicable forever smoke kick us off.

After, people are running through the woods. At first I thought a playful thing was happening, and then I realized that Ramsay Snow, the only character more sick and twisted than the Little Shit King, is among this frolicking party. Then I realized that the lead runner is a girl in a pretty white virginal dress, screaming and crying because Ramsay and a woman I don’t recall seeing are hunting her, Most Dangerous Game style, with Theon behind them.

They also have dogs and her dress is long and dragging so this isn’t even Most Dangerous Game. This is pure torture and I watched the episode once through before recapping and fuck you if you think I’m going to actually rewatch this scene to recap it.

Lorraine: Theon’s Please Make It Stop Torture Sessions were in the previouslies at the beginning of the episode. I prepared myself for the worst of the worst, and then Ramsay Shitty Snow started hunting people.

Sweeney: His entire character is in exercise in new levels of worst. If you find that you can adequately prepare yourself for what Ramsay Snow’s getting up to, then there’s possibly something wrong with you.

PWVD tries to hide, but reaches a dead end and is ultimately taken down when Ramsay’s evil bitch companion shoots an arrow into her foot. Ramsay makes up some reason for why he’s torturing her but mostly it’s because he’s the worst human being ever. The dogs eat her and Theon and his actual irreversible trauma shake sadly.

King’s Landing. Bro lunch. Tyrion gives Jaime shit for being too busy dazzling everyone with his brooding to eat. He gets enough self-starving from his deeply suffering child bride. Tyrion tries to cheer Jaime up by toasting to the proud Lannister children  –  “The dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.”

Jaime’s amused up until his gilded steel hand accidentally knocks over the wine and now he’s got spilt wine to brood about too, which is very serious. Tyrion continues to play it all just right, pouring out his own wine (so much waste!) before refilling Jaime’s. Jaime confesses that he can’t even fight with his left hand now. Tyrion doesn’t think it’s a big deal because Jaime’s boss man and he can make other people fight, but that’s no good, especially if anyone finds out that he can’t fight. Tyrion says he knows just “a proper discreet swordsman.” I initially laughed and laughed, thinking this was a double entendre reference to Ser Flowery Bieber.

Segue Magic to Jaime and Bronn hanging out by the sea. That makes a lot more sense. Less funny, but more sense. (L: No one ever used the word discreet to reference Loras Flowery Bieber. Evidence later.) They banter a bit in greeting and their sarcasm plays well together. Bronn is sure this spot is good because it’s where he goes to have his affair with a married woman who is also “a screamer.” None of these surfaces look pleasant to me. Maybe she’s screaming because OW.

Lor: The views are pretty fantastic, though. King’s Landing is a high deceptive place. It’s all bright and cheery and by the sea, but it really just a port of misery.

Sweeney: Anyway, Bronn tells Jaime his sword is nice and shiny but there’s no way they can train with that. Jaime grumbles about the training wheels sword, but uses it anyway. Bronn shows him no mercy, getting him while he’s down, pushing him near the edge. At first Jaime gets angry but quickly appreciates the efficacy of what Bronn’s doing. I’ve been hard on Jaime and I’ll probably never forgive him for pushing a child out the window and also all the incest and also his role in making Joffrey exist, but so far I’m a big fan of S4 Jaime. I want more of these Bronn/Jaime sparring scenes!

Dreadfort. Traitor Bolton rolls into town with his new bride, Walda. Frey, I assume. His miserable bastard is their to greet them, grin creepily, and kiss Wanda on the cheek and call her mother. He bros out with that other dude about how he chopped of Jaime’s hand. That moment was super fucked up and these guys are both assholes, but also losing that hand has worked wonders on Jaime as a character. They head inside what looks like a dungeon but I guess is a room of some significance. Man this place is bleak. I know it’s called The Dreadfort, but shit. (L: I wonder if it was a perfectly okay place until some fuck decided to name it the fucking DREADFORT.) Bolton is livid when he realizes what his sick little bastard did to Theon. Bolton was given The North by Tywin, but only if he could take it himself, which he can’t currently do because of the Greyjoys. Bolton planned to use Theon as a bargaining chip, but the utter debasement Theon has gone through at Ramsay’s hands.

Ramsay decides to make a big show of what full-blown pet he’s turned Theon into, partially to indicate that this was somehow useful or good and also to get back at Bolton for reminding Ramsay that he’s a Snow. Ramsay has Theon – now called Reek  –  give him a nice close shave. During the course of that shave I keep praying for Theon to slice his throat open. (L: SAME.) Theon confesses that he didn’t kill the Stark boys but two farmboys that he burnt to a crips to hide the truth. He stills at Ramsay’s throat when Ramsay chooses that particular moment to inform Theon that Robb was murdered by Bolton. Theon’s demeanor has a new element of sads in addition to the general crazy and torture but then he carries on. He also reveals that Jon Snow is at Castle Black and that’s a likely place that the boys could be sheltered at the moment. Bolton’s impressed by this Theon situation because these masochistic douche canoes are just putrescent apples that have fallen tragically close to evil, evil trees. He tells Ramsay to gather some men and ride to Moat Cailin (of the Greyjoys) with his “pet” in order to prove himself and take the moat for the family.

Lor: Shoutout to Alfie Allen for nailing the legit trauma performance. He gives good crazy eyes.

Sweeney: An excellent skill to have.

King’s Landing. Varys tells Tyrion that Shae has been noticed and Cersei’s already been informed, meaning it’s only a matter of time before word gets to Tywin. No doubt Tywin will make good on his promise to behead any whores he catches Tyrion with, particularly now that it means it’s distracting him from adding to his child bride’s trauma by impregnating her. Varys has no plans to lie for Tyrion either, as lying to Cersei or Tywin is as good as signing his own death warrant. Varys is, however, willing to help Shae if Tyrion can get her to leave.

Bachelor Breakfast. Margaery’s dad presents Joffrey with a cup as a wedding present. He’s not the half of this marriage who is going to need all the booze to survive it. Cersei spots Shae and whispers about it to Tywin who wants her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding. Tyrion’s present is brought out next  –  it’s the lives of the four kings, and he thinks it’s a book every king should read. I was genuinely stunned when Joffrey says that they should all find time for wisdom in the aftermath of the war. He thanks him and everyone is all, “Dafuq?” Tywin presents the other of the two swords he forged from Ned’s Valyrian steel sword. Joffrey gets super jazzed and immediately slices up the book, so everyone can be all, “Oh, right. Same Little Shit King.” He asks everyone to help him name it. Someone calls out, “Widow’s Wail,” which he likes, and tells Sansa it’ll be like chopping Ned Stark’s head off each time he uses it. To be fair, fuck face, you didn’t even do the deed yourself. Like any of the things you gloat about.

Later, Shae goes to Tyrion and is super giddy but he tells her she needs to go because a ship bound for Pentos is waiting to sweep her off to life as a kept woman. Shae is shocked by this because she’s an idiot. She’s not interested in the “married man” business seeing as how neither of them are particularly interested in having sex. Tyrion reminds her, yet again, of how seriously fucking fatal it would be for her to remain in King’s Landing, but Shae continues to be utterly daft and impossibly naive for someone with this implied big epic back story. How she got this far with so little sense of self-preservation is baffling. Tyrion then switches tactics, deliberately insulting her and cutting her down, saying that he may have had more fun with her than any of the whores, but that time is over now because she’s still just a whore and Sansa’s the one who is fit to be his baby mama. The worst part is easily the part where he questions how many men she’s been with. It hurts to hear, even if his motivations did make all sorts of sense. As Shae sobs, Bronn shows up to escort her to the ship. She slaps Bronn and storms out.

Lor: Something tells me that homegirl is not getting on that ship, and that also, her luck streak of self-preservation maybe coming to an end. Of course, the last half of that guess could apply to 99.9% of the population of Westeros. So.

Sweeney: Between Cersei wanting her dead and her lack of regard for self-preservation, I’m going to have to agree.

Dragonstone. Melisandre is getting her creep on, shouting as a man burns. He pleads that he served Stannis well and he appeals to Stannis’s wife, Selyse, who is apparently his sister. She’s just staring eagerly, joining the chanting crowd, as she’s a full fledged cultist. Eventually, he and some other burn. Selyse asks Stannis if he saw the Lord of Light take their souls. I mean, yeah, we all saw them die, girl. (L: By fire. So if you’re talking about the flames or resulting tricks of light as some sort of sign, well, no. Just no.) Onion Knight keeps telling Stannis like it is, saying that this was his brother by law, and his only crime was worshipping the gods of his fathers  –  the gods of Stannis’s fathers as well. I love him, but he also needs to watch himself. You just saw this man murder his brother-in-law for refusing to tear down some religious idols. This need to tread a little lighter is especially driven home when he asks Stannis how many men and ships Selyse’s now deceased brother brought to Stannis. “A good deal more than you,” he answers. He plays along, then, telling Selyse that the men whose souls just burned away are more than grateful.

That night, Stannis eats dinner with Selyse and Melisandre. Awkward. They chat about food and Selyse says that during the starving war times Stannis made her soup from books because the binding glue is made from horses. There is too much book desecrating in this episode and it’s evidence that two of the five kings are terrible people. I pick the king who doesn’t destroy books. Selyse tries to be nostalgic with Stannis, but he’s not interested. (L: She just celebrated killing her brother. Probs not the best time for family nostalgia.) Melisandre says that she knew true hunger as a child, until the Lord of Light found her. This prompts Selyse to say that she thinks her daughter is evil and that’s why her face is marked. Stannis, in the lone good thing he’s ever done, tells Selyse that she won’t be hitting his daughter. Selyse suggests that Melisandre should talk to her. Melisandre’s face suggests that even she thinks that idea is awkward, but she’s up for it all the same.

Later, Melisandre goes to Shireen to ask if she watched her uncle burn on the beach. Shireen says she just heard the screaming of one of the few people who has showed her kindness. Melisandre says that they’re better off now. She again alludes to her childhood suffering before asking Shireen what she knows of the gods. Melisandre tells her that the seven heavens and hells and all of that is all bullshit. There’s the Lord of Light and another god of darkness evil, and fear. There is also only one heaven and one hell  –  “the one we live in now.”

Lor: Hell is your vagina, lady.

Sweeney: North of the Wall. Direboss Cam! We’re skulking around as a direwolf doing a little deer hunting until Bran is woken up by Hodor’s Hodoring. Meera says they had to wake him because he’s been gone for hours and the food Summer was just eating isn’t the same thing as eating himself. Jojen cautions against spending too much time as Summer, because he’ll lose himself and forget his life there, which, like, have you seen Bran’s life?

They get moving again, back to their aimless wandering in this frozen hell. Bran spots Summer chilling by Grandmother Willow! It’s been a while since we’ve seen Grandmother Willow. Bran knows the tree is significant, so he has Hodor carry him over there. He touches it and wargs out, getting a whole series of crazy visions, filled with three eyed ravens and direwolves and swords NED STARK’S EYE and himself falling out of the tree. A voice says, “Look for me beneath the tree. North.” With that, Bran now knows where they have to go, but we probably won’t find out for a while.

King’s Landing: Royal Wedding Special. Margaery’s hair is fascinating. She’s clearly got about three wigs on to make it that big and tall. She’s walked down the aisle to Joffrey and the ceremony is handled pretty quickly. Zoomy cameraman pans to Grandma Flowerboss as the words “cursed be those who would seek to tear them asunder” are spoken. They kiss and everyone claps. Sansa says they have a new queen now, though not with much enthusiasm. I’m not sure why not, since she’s a marked improvement from Cersei and, as Tyrion rightly notes, “better her than you.”

Lor: To be fair, Sansa can’t even get excited about lemon cakes these days. I think it was just a general lack of life enthusiasm.

Sweeney: Very true. I phrased that badly, because you’re right – she’s past the point where “enthusiasm” is really a thing for her.

After the ceremony, everyone makes their way to the reception and Grandma Flowerboss and Tywin walk together, chatting about important political power player shit. Her son, Margaery’s dad, comes up and she tells him to go away and let the grown-ups talk. Flowerboss takes this opportunity to remind Tywin of all the money the Tyrell’s have brought to the table, and how likely it is that Tywin & co. will be asking for more soon enough.

The reception itself is very circusy. Game of Thrones circusy, though, so there’s a naked woman flashing her vagina at the camera. Obvs. Tyrion asks Bronn about Shae, and he says that she’s gone and Tyrion now needs to go drink until he feels better about that choice.

Grandma Flowerboss finds Sansa at the wedding to say she looks lovely and she hadn’t got a chance to tell Sansa how sorry she is that Robb was murdered  –  particularly like that. What sort of monster would murder a man at a wedding, HMM? Tyrion joins them and Flowerboss says that he should take Sansa to Highgarden so that she can see some of the world now that there is peace. Also so she can get the hell out of King’s Landing. Flowerboss excuses herself to go make thinly veiled allusions to an upcoming murder to someone else. (L: A+)


Musicians are playing. Margaery leans forward, enjoying it, prompting Joffrey to throw some coins at them and send them away. Margaery’s usual cool is shaken for a hot second before she regains herself and coos to Joffrey that they should make the announcement now. He bangs on his cup and tells the crowd that his queen would like to say a few words. Margaery says that Joffrey has decided that King Joffrey is thanking the gods for the JUST end to the war (!) by decreeing that the leftovers will be given to the poor. Cersei tells Margaery she’s an example to them all and kisses her on the cheeks.

Elsewhere, Loras Tyrell and Oberyn make eyes at each other and I instantly ship this. Yes. Amazing. More, please. (L: REALLY OBVIOUS EYES.) Loras is interrupted when he bumps into Jaime, and they exchange compliments on the loveliness of their sisters, as you do. Loras unconvincingly says he’s looking forward to their wedding. Jaime whispers that if Loras married Cersei she’d murder him in his sleep and any children they conceived too. Jaime says it’s lucky for him this won’t be happening. Jaime, you were doing so well! I was growing quite fond of you! I also don’t get why Jaime’s so bitter and jealous about this  –  the gay man is basically the best outcome for you! Loras counters Jaime’s bullshit by noting that he won’t be marrying Cersei either. BECAUSE SIBLINGS AND GROSS.

The lovely Brienne, goes to congratulate the newlyweds. Margaery says it’s good to see her. Cersei continues to her bitch party, mocking Brienne for bowing instead of curtsying. Joffrey thinks Brienne is the best for murdering Renly. Margaery quickly corrects that Brienne had nothing to do with that. With that, Joffrey’s back to being dismissive and shitty.

As she walks off, Cersei follows, stopping to tell her that she’s a Lady whether she wants to be or not. Also that she owes her gratitude for returning Jaime safely to King’s Landing. Brienne says that Jaime rescued her more than once too. Cersei says that Brinne must be full of exciting stories, flitting from camp to camp, serving the lord or lady she fancies most. Brienne corrects that she doesn’t serve Jaime. “But you love him,” Cersei responds. Brienne is silent and excuses herself. I can’t even handle these creepy incestuous weirdos running around being jealous of their siblings non-incestuous potential lovers.

Lor: There are a lot of uncomfortable things going on at this wedding, but having the siblings tracking down and insulting potential lovers is high on that list.

Sweeney: Cersei moves on from tormenting Brienne to Pycell, who is in the middle of being an old creep and making a young woman uncomfortable. Cersei sends her along, advising her of someone to speak to her isn’t a total perv. He smarms a bit and Cersei shuts his shit down, reminding him that Tyrion had him sent to the back cells for annoying him, and asking what he thinks Cersei might do if he annoys her. It’s during this scene that I realize I’m a big fan of Cersei’s dress. The highly structured collar goes well with being evil. (L: Like Maleficent!) (S: YUP.) Cersei says that Pycell needs to go dirrectly to the kitchens and have the leftovers fed to the dogs. Pycell reminds her of the queen’s orders, and Cersei gets angrier, saying that THE QUEEN is telling him that the leftovers will feed the dogs. This is some low level petty bullshit, Cersei. I know you’re better at being evil than this.

Later, Margaery is visibly uncomfortable as Sir Dontos, the fool who gave Sansa her necklace, performs his routine. Joffrey misunderstands her discomfort, telling the crowd that he’ll give a gold dragon to the first one to throw something that knocks his head off. Fuck. Dontos runs off and Sansa makes, “Your the worst and I hate you and it makes me sad,” eyes at Joffrey. Margarery is still uncomfortable but musters a fake laugh for Joffrey.

Tywin and Cersei greet Oberyn and his companion Ellaria Sand. Things start out jovial but Oberyn makes a big show of calling Cersei former Queen Regent and subsequently Lady Cersei. Cersei says she’s never met a Sand before, as that’s the Dornish bastard last name. Ellaria says they’re everywhere in Dorne  –  she has 10,000 brothers and sisters. Oberyn says that bastards are born of passion and they aren’t despised in Dorne. He tells Cersei that it must be nice to not be queen any longer, as the crown surely made her neck crooked. More insults are exchanged  –  Oberyn will never know about crowns, being that he has an older brother. Tywin has no trouble managing his money because he’s not lavish (and awesome and full of swagger) like people in Dorne. Oberyn ultimately wins the round: “People everywhere have their differences. In some places the highborn frown upon those of low birth. In other places the rape and murder of women and children is considered distasteful. What a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent, that your daughter Myrcella has been sent to live in the latter sort of place.”

Lor: Here, Oberyn! Have a GoT themed mic drop:

Sweeney: Joffrey brats and pounds on his goblet, that it’s time for a break from all the amusement because a royal wedding is history and they must all contemplate their history. He makes a big show of introducing something and I was legitimately terrified by what was going to follow this. I feel bad that making a mockery of dwarves was almost a relief. For about eight seconds. Then the awful sunk in: five dwarves as dressed up as each of the five kings and the Not Joffrey ones are each mocked in their turn. Loras storms off during the homophobic mocking of Renly. Margaery is also uneasy. Sansa tries to hold her head up but tilts it ever so slightly as fake Robb shouts about being king of the north. Tyrion tells Podrick to give an extra twenty gold to each of these men when it’s over. “We’ll have to find another way to thank the king.” Cersei laughs and Joffrey fist pumps because they’re the worst. Zoomy cameraman spends some time on Sansa’s face as she watches her brother’s impersonator fake die before the fake Joffrey humps the little wolf’s head prop. Everyone else at the head table looks super uncomfortable.

When it’s finally over, Joffrey stands to tell them it was well fought, offering up the champion’s purse. He stops, though, saying that a true champion defeats all their challengers and surely there are others out there who dare to challenge his reign, specifically Tyrion. Tyrion says that one taste of combat was enough and he’d like to keep what remains of his face. He counters that this was a poor imitation of the bravery in battle Tyrion himself witnessed from Joffrey. He jokes that the Joffrey one seems mad with lust and it would be a shame for the king to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night. Joffrey grabs his wine and dumps it out on Tyrion’s head.



Lor: Earlier, Tyrion tried to make it seem like spilled wine wasn’t a thing, but I bet when it’s on your head, you’re like, “FUCK SPILLED WINE.”

Sweeney: Margaery tries to call “her love” back for her father’s toast. Joffrey says he can’t toast without wine, telling Tyrion to be his cup-bearer. Tyrion reluctantly goes to retrieve Joffrey’s cup. Joffrey drops it. Tyrion beds to pick it up and Joffrey kicks it. Sansa gets up and retrieves it for him. They have this brief little look of mutual understanding; seeing Tyrion publicly humiliated by Joffrey in this fashion seems to do a fair bit to warm her to him. I do love watching their dynamic evolve. I less love the continuation of this scene. Tyrion fills the cup with the wine bottle sitting in front of Cersei and hands it back to him. Joffrey orders Tyrion to kneel before his king. It’s a tense, drawn out moment, in which Tyrion refuses to heed the order. Just as it seems like he might relent, Margaery enthusiastically cries out, “Look, the pie!”

Joffrey takes his shiny new sword and slices open the top, sending a bunch of doves flying. We see that he also beheaded a few.(L: HOW IS THIS KID EVEN MESSING UP GIANT PIE?)



Sansa asks Tyrion if they can leave now, and he thinks they should find out. Margaery is feeding Joffrey pie, and he’s laughing, but he senses Tyrion walking off and orders him not to go anywhere, as he needs a cupbearer to serve him some more wine. Tyrion does this and then asks if he can please escort his tired wife, Joffrey says that’s not OK, but then he starts coughing and gasping. Margaery cries out that he’s choking. Grandma Flowerboss calls out for someone to help. “Idiots, help your king!”

Jaime’s all, “HELP THE KING?” and sprints over. Cersei dives for him too. She holds his head in her lap has he turns blue and bleeds from his nose, mouth, and eyes. He dies there, but not without pointing at Tyrion first. During this, Sir Dontos appears at Sansa’s side, telling her it’s time to GTFO.




After lots of coughing and choking and bleeding we can finally say: AND THEN HE DIES. Once he’s definitely gone, Cersei loses her shit. She says that Tyrion did this, poisoning her son, her king, maniacally shouting at everyone to take him. We get a final shot of Joffrey’s super dead face. Roll credits.

HE’S DEAD HE’S DEAD HE’S DEAD. So good.

 Lor: AW YEAH. DEAD IN THE SECOND EPISODE OF THE SEASON! I can’t imagine where that leaves us still to go, but I’m not going to think too much about it. Just, you know, celebrate. 

Check out what #gameofsnark-ers thought of this episode, and how they celebrated the death of the Little Shit King:

 

 

 

Next time: We all enjoyed Joffrey’s death, but it left Tyrion in a bad way. Plus, Dany is at war! Again! See it all in Game of Thrones S04 E03 – Breaker of Chains.

 

Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Written by

Nicole Sweeney

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.