Categories

Game of Thrones S04 E07 – Bad jokes

Previously: Tyrion laid down some bad ass speech-age and then demanded a trial by combat.
—

Mockingbird

Lorraine: Jaime is pissed now that the sweet deal he set up with his father, in which Tyrion spent the rest of his days at the Wall, has crumbled. Tyrion doesn’t see why he should be grateful about being exiled to a perpetual snowpocalypse for a crime he didn’t even commit. (S: PLUS, WHITE WALKERS. Fuck that.) Jaime snaps that this isn’t a joke. Tyrion says it is, it just isn’t very funny. I think we’ve all felt like life’s walking punchline a time or two. I mean, probably we weren’t on trial for murder, but the sentiment is universal.

Sweeney:

humor

Lor: Exactly.

Tyrion admits that he couldn’t stand there and listen to Shae’s lies. Jaime adds extra snoot into his voice when he says Tyrion fell in love with a whore. He says it like a man who has never raped his sister, and can thus be judgey about those kinds of things.

Tyrion says the deal Tywin made with Jaime was his perfect for only Tywin: Tyrion gets shipped away and Jaime becomes lord of Casterly Rock. Jaime says their father would be sacrifice any of them, but Tyrion thinks not. Jaime is the golden child, who can kill a king, lose a hand and fuck his own sister, and still be the favorite. Jaime warns Tyrion to be careful. “I’m the last friend you’ve got.” (S: Doesn’t make it any less true!)(L: Right, it just means Tyrion’s last friend is a one handed, king killing sister-fucker. Tyrion was stating the obvious.)

Slightly chastised, Tyrion says that at least he got to tell everyone what he really thought. Jaime rains on that parade too, telling him they’ll be talking about it for days. Jaime must know it’s a short season and there’s always some wedding, war or dragon coming to steal all the plot thunder. Tyrion hasn’t lost hope. He survived one trial by combat, even though Jaime wasn’t there to save him.

 

Tyrion resorts to a bit of dark humor, asking Jaime to imagine the look on Tywin’s face if Jaime fell. The family name wiped out in a single shot. Jaime says it’s tempting and Tyrion gives an awkward chuckle that fades into more serious business stares. Plan B is to have Bronn fight for Tyrion again. Tyrion asks who Cersei will name as the champion. He hopes it’s Ser Meryn Trant, but unluckily for him, it is someone bigger, meaner, and shaped roughly like a Mountain.

Cut to somewhere in the city where the newly recast Mountain is killing prisoners. Cersei steps over blood, guts and entrails to welcome Gregor to the capital. He asks who he’s fighting and Cersei asks if it matters. It does not.

From one Clegane to the next, we join everyone’s favorite Buddy Cop Movie, as the Hound and Arya come across a ransacked village. (S: Watched this with my brother who said, “Everyone was literally just wondering what The Hound was up to.” Indeed. Nice transition, show.) As they investigate it, they find a man dying of stomach wound. The Hound tells Stomach Wound Man that he isn’t going to get better. The man knows. He’s contemplated taking matters into his own hands, but alas. Here he sits. Arya asks, “why go one?” “Habit,” he responds quickly. Life is one habitual breath after another.

Arya says that nothing could be worse than “this” – the slowly bleeding out, alone. Stomach Wound says “nothing” is in fact worse. Arya disagrees.

 

Spoken like a girl who has also given thought to taking matters into her own hands. Stomach Wound Man looks up and into Arya’s eyes and asks who she is. She doesn’t lie: she is Arya Stark. The man looks at The Hound and asks if he’s her father. He doesn’t lie either: he’s her captor. Stomach Wound waxes poetic for a moment, about the notion of fair exchanges. He then asks for a drink. “Dying is thirsty work.” The Hound gives him water, and Stomach Wound laments it not being wine. The Hound stabs Stomach Wound Man through the heart, so that in fact, his last words were, “I wish it were wine.” The Hound cleans his sword and turns this into a lesson for Arya: you kill a man by piercing his heart.

The Hound is surprise attacked from behind. Someone leaps onto his back and bites the crap out of his neck. The Hound kills that guy by breaking his neck (another way to kill a man!). The Now Dead Neck Biter has an accomplice, who seeing his friend dead, looks pretty resigned to the same fate. He explains that the Hound has a bounty on him. The Hound figures that’s what happens when you go around yelling, “fuck the king!” so Soon To Be Dead Accomplice has the opportunity to share the news that Joffrey is dead. Arya and the Hound exchange a look. The bounty is for killing Lannister soldiers.

Arya recognizes Soon To Be Dead Accomplice. He was one of Yoren’s prisoners. He threatened to rape Arya bloody. The Hound gives a most hilarious, “this day isn’t working out for you,” which has an air of, “OOOOOH. YOU ARE IN TROUBLE.”

 

She is definitely learning something.

The Wall. Jon Snow returns from his victorious mission. He’s greeted warmly by Sam and less so by Ser Alliser, who orders him to lock Ghost up, threatening to put him into a stew if not. I hope that just earned Ser Alliser a spot on Ghost’s Nighttime Murder Wish List. In the mess hall, Snow gives his report about Craster’s Keep and then gives a recommendation: they should fill the tunnel that leads out of Castle Black. Ser Alliser calls him a coward, though one of Jon’s Wall Bros backs him up, saying they can’t defend the gate against 100,000 men. Ser Alliser makes a big show of asking what order Jon belongs to (the Stewards) and what order is in charge of the tunnel (the Builders.) Alliser acts the Big Builder in Charge if he agrees with blocking the tunnel. There is an awkward pause, like Big Builder in Charge would rather be doing anything than answering this question, and then finally he says no. Jon is pissed.

Falsely Accused Prison Cell. Bronn comes to see Tyrion in shiny, new clothing. That’s our first clue that this will not go well. Bronn didn’t come immediately after Tyrion sent for him because he’s been busy. He’s to wed Lollys Stokeworth. Tyrion asks if when Cersei obviously arranged this match, she mentioned that Lollys has an older sister who stands to inherit Castle Stokeworth. Bronn knows. He also says it’d be pretty easy for the older sister to have a tragic accident, leaving the inheritance to Lollys.

Sweeney: The fact that just about every likable character is also an unapologetic murderer is pretty much an accurate summary of why Sansa is one of my favorites forever…

Lor: Tyrion wonders why Bronn even came, since he’s far in Cersei’s pocket. Tyrion once said that if anyone ever tried to buy Bronn out, that he should first come to Tyrion, who would double the price. Tyrion asks if he wants two wives or two castles, then. Not that he has either thing, and Bronn isn’t interested in gold or gratitude. Tyrion tries to entice Bronn with some land in the north, but it’s all very iffy and also, snow is the worst. I had so much trouble with all of this, mostly because my feels go out to Tyrion, but then Bronn starts to make so much sense as he says that the Mountain is freakishly big and strong. Maybe Bronn could take him, but one misstep and he’d be dead. And for what? He’s friends with Tyrion, yes, but when has Tyrion ever risked his life for him? Bronn says he likes Tyrion. He just likes himself more.

Tyrion tells Bronn not to be sorry about it.

 

Tyrion’s second best hope, gone.

Meeren. Danaerys walks into her room to find Daario in there. She wonders how he got in. Her door is well guarded, her window is not. Daario, getting her a fleet was a smooth move. I can’t support climbing in through her window. Dany says that if she wants him in her private quarters, she’ll summon him. Dany cuts to the chase and asks why he’s here. He wants a favor. Women and war are his two great talents and he feels they are being wasted in Meereen. The woman he wants doesn’t want him (HINTWINK) and his men have been ordered to patrol the streets. He will do whatever the queen commands, but he asks her to send him out to kill her enemies. She pours herself some wine and orders him to take off his clothes instead.

Daario does and I appreciate the like two seconds of the view BEFORE THEY CUT AWAY. GAME OF THRONES JUST CUT AWAY FROM A SEX SCENE. AND TO A NAKED CREEPY RED IN A BATHTUB. Who is making the nudity calls here? IDGI.

Sweeney: THIS IS THE MOST UNFAIR THING EVER. AFTER ALL THE NAKED LADIES ON THIS SHOW, YOU COULDN’T JUST GIVE US THIS?

Lor: Creepy Red in a Bath Tub. Selyse comes to see her, and tries to back out when she notices that Creepy Red is apparently bathing everything except her boobs, which are just hanging out above the water so that they can be the third character in this scene. Creepy Red says that when she looked into the fire in the morning, the Lord of Light told her that she would have her last good bath for a long while that night, and that she should make it count. Apparently, that was her idea of a joke. I don’t think we can expect much in the way of sense of humor from someone who has shadow demons come out of her vagina.

Creepy Red says a joke is just a lie anyway (welcome to lies.com, then, I guess…). Selyse says lies are bad, though Creepy Red clarifies that they aren’t always. She gets out of her bath and walks over to her potion wall. They are all lies, meant to trick men into thinking they saw the Lord of Light’s power. She even has a potion to make men fall into lust. The camera very obviously trails down Melisandre’s body as Selyse wonders if she used that on Stannis. She didn’t. (S: Ouch.) With a bit of a struggle, Selyse says that anything done in the Lord of Light’s name isn’t a sin, and she’s thankful that Creepy Red came into their lives.

Stannis wants to bring their daughter Shireen to whatever trip they are taking next. Selyse thinks it’s a bad idea, but as it turns out, the Lord of Light wants Shireen on that boat. Creepy Red lets Selyse look into a fire and see it for herself.

Sweeney: IS SHIREEN GOING TO DIE NOW TOO? Fuck.

Lor: SHE BETTER NOT.

Daario is leaving Dany’s room in the morning and runs into Jorah. He’s speechless as Daario tells him that their queen is in a good mood. In her room, Jorah makes it right away known that he saw Daario leaving. (S: I laughed forever and ever at this brilliantly awkward moment.) She notes that he doesn’t approve, and he says it isn’t a matter of approval, but of trust. Dany doesn’t really trust Daario, which is why she sent him and the Second Sons to retake Yunkai. This also displeases Jorah, who thinks the master at Yunkai will just bide their time and wait until the Second Sons leave. Dany has thought of this, which is why she ordered Daario to kill all of the masters. Jorah clearly sees that Dany didn’t actually learn her lesson about indiscriminately murdering groups of people, and explains again that there is good and evil on both sides. He reminds her that he once sold people into slavery too. He wouldn’t be here helping her free others if Ned Stark (!!) had done to him what she wants to do to the masters of Yunkai.

Dany thinks on it for a moment and decides that nobleman that came to her about burying his father, Hizdahr zo Loraq, will go with the Second Sons and serve as ambassador to Yunkai. She will give the masters the choice of living in her way or dying in their old way. She sends Jorah to catch Daario before he leaves and tell him that she changed her mind. Jorah takes off but she stops him and amends, “no. Tell him you changed my mind.” I think you can almost see Jorah puff out his chest a bit. Probably not as good as seeing her naked, but it’s something, huh Jorah? When he leaves, Dany smiles a bit. That line makes me suspicious that she knows exactly what she’s doing and is playing Jorah’s feelings.

Buddy Cop Show. The Hound is doing a bad job of trying to stitch his neck wound. Arya tells him he needs to burn it first, so it won’t get infected. She knows he doesn’t like fire, but she picks up a burning stick anyway. The Hound backs up away from her and says there will be no fire. He rambles on about all the trouble Arya has gotten him in, and now he’s a walking bag of silver. He sits again and watches Arya for a second, wiping off her sword. Her brother gave her a sword; his brother gave him a burned face. The Mountain pressed him to the fire, all because he said the Hound stole one of his toys. The way the Hound says, “I didn’t steal it, I was just playing with it,” makes him sound every bit of that wounded child. (S: It was heartbreaking to hear from this big scary dude.)

The Hound says that the pain was bad, and the smell was worse, but the worst part was that it was his brother who did it. His father protected Gregor, and told everyone that Sandor’s bedding caught fire. “You think you’re on your own?” The Hound asks. Arya doesn’t answer. She just asks him to let her wash out and stitch up the wound. He doesn’t reply, so does so.

I’m not gonna lie: the Hound’s Childhood Trauma got to me. A nice scene by both actors.

Sweeney: To echo my brother’s sentiment, I very much want Aria to take his name off her murder list.

Lor: Agreed. Murder lists aren’t written in stone!

Mmmm, Mmmm Good Inn. Brienne and Podrick are splurging and having a warm meal. Brienne compliments the waiter on the kidney pie and it turns out it’s Hot Pie! He sits down at the table and rambles about until he asks what Brienne is doing around those parts. She doesn’t lie: she’s looking for Sansa Stark. Hot Pie recognizes the last name, but seems to think better of saying anything, noting that the Starks are traitors, and excuses himself. Brienne says she pledged her life to Lady Cat, and swore to bring her daughters home. Hot Pie considers that, but still says nothing.

We cut to Pod and Brienne preparing to leave the Inn. With her leave, as she claims Pod isn’t interesting enough to be offensive, he tells her they should probably be a bit more discreet about their mission. The Lannisters want Sansa dead, and they have money. People kill for money. Hot Pie finds them and says the look like respectable people. He never met Sansa, but he knows her sister Arya. Brienne says everyone assumed Arya was dead. Hot Pie gives her the abridged story of them first traveling north to the Wall, then being captured by the Lannisters, then escaping, then being captured by the Brotherhood. They sold Hot Pie to the inn, but Arya and the Hound went on. He gives Brienne something to give Arya once she finds her. It’s another bread wolf, one he says turned out better.

Sweeney: Like A LOT better. Good for you, Hot Pie!

Lor: Hot Pie leaves and Brienne gloats, because her truth telling got them some information.

Podrick figures that Arya, and perhaps Sansa, are probably heading to the Vale. Brienne asks if he’s sure. He isn’t. They head that direction anyway.

Falsely Accused Prison Cell. Our New Favorite, Lord of the Swagger, Prince Oberyn (Dany isn’t the only one who can have titles) visits Tyrion, who is surprised to find Oberyn there, as it’s Orgy O’Clock right now. (S: I cheered when he walked into the room. CHEERING AGAIN NOW.) Oberyn says he was actually spending time with a stunning blonde the other day. Tyrion encourages him to share, but as it turns out, that blonde lady is Cersei, who came to him with her tale of missing Myrcella. “She was trying very hard to pretend she had not come to sway me against you. I think she may have even believe it herself.”


And Cersei very enthusiastically wants to see Tyrion killed. Tyrion says he’s sealed his own fate. Cersei will get what she’s wanted for a long time. Oberyn knows all about Cersei’s feelings toward Tyrion, because they all met many years ago, when Tyrion was just a baby. Oberyn visited Casterly Rock with  his family. He hated the whole place, but the biggest disappointment was Tyrion himself. All the way up from Dorne, all anyone could talk about was the monster that was born to Tyrion Lannister. “A head twice the size of his body, a tail between his legs, claws, one red eye, the privates of both a girl and a boy.” When he met Cersei, she promised to show Tyrion to him. All Oberyn found was a baby, a slightly large head, and slightly small limbs, but that was all. He was disappointed. “That’s not a monster,” we told Cersei.” That’s just a baby. And she said, “he killed my mother.”

The rest of the story is that Cersei pinched Tyrion’s penis so hard, Oberyn was afraid she might rip it off, all until Jaime made her stop. Cersei said then that it didn’t matter. No one expected Tyrion to survive very much longer. Tyrion can’t keep the tears from his eyes, listening to this story that he can’t remember, but that probably sounds like so much that has happened to him in his life. (S: FUCK this was painful.) He says sooner or later, Cersei always gets what she wants. Oberyn asks what about what he wants? Justice. For his sister and her children. Oberyn stands and says he wants to bring all those who have wronged him to justice and all those who have wronged him are in King’s Landing. He will start with Gregor Clegane who killed his sister’s children and then raped her. The somber single note that was playing in the background changes, it swells to become a hero’s song as Prince Oberyn says he will be Tyrion’s champion.

 

Okay, sorry for the gif. I’m just running out of ways to say that Oberyn is my new favorite now too, and that Peter Dinklage deserves all of the awards. His little sniffle when Oberyn says he’ll be the champion was perfection. They should include that sniffle on his Emmy reel.

Also, I’m super intrigued by Oberyn. I’m scared for him since he’s going up against the MF Mountain, but also, can we talk about this guy who comes into town basically saying, “I’m going to kill everyone,” and some how ends up maneuvering his way into prime, “killing everyone” territory?  A+, sir.

Sweeney: HE’S FUCKING AWESOME. And so was this scene. So damn powerful and brilliantly acted and wonderful. The efficiency with which Oberyn manuevered himself into that prime “killing everyone” territory, now that you point it out, makes me uneasy though =/

Lor: Super easy. I’m sad to say I don’t think he’ll kill very many everyones at all.

The Eyrie. Sansa is back in the snow and it hurts all of my heart. She stands it as for a moment, just smiling as it falls all around her. I feel really bad for calling snow the worst now, because at this exact moment, snow is the best. I NEVER KNEW SNOW COULD MAKE ME SO EMOTIONAL.

Sweeney: They went hardcore with Sophie Turner’s hair dye this time around, too. It’s beautiful and emotional and I still never ever want to be IN snow, but yes it’s the best in this moment. On my screen, where I can’t feel it.

Lor: Sansa builds Winterfell out of snow. Robin joins her outside and asks her questions about her home. When will she go back? “Probably never,” Sansa admits. Her family doesn’t live there anymore and it’s on eternal fire in the credits now. Robin asks if Winterfell has a moon door. It doesn’t, because it’s built on the ground and not on a mountain. Robin wants to know what they did with all the bad and scary people. Sansa says she never did anything with them at all. “Girls don’t take part in that where I came from,” she says in an episode in which her sister killed another person who merely threatened her.

Robin says he’s Lord of the Vale, and when they are married, she can tell Robin who she doesn’t like, and they can throw them out of the moon door. Sansa smiles and doesn’t even throw up everything she’s ever eaten, mostly because she likes the sound of throwing some people out of the moon door. Robin wants to add a moon door to Snow Winterfell, except he has the dexterity of a pre-teen who still latches onto his mother’s breast for milk and knocks over part of the castle. Sansa says he’s ruined it, and he throws a tantrum fitting of a pre-teen who still latches onto his mother’s breast for milk, knocking down the rest of the castle. Sasnsa slaps him across the face, a few moments after she said that girls don’t take place in punishing those who have done wrong.

Sweeney: CAN PEOPLE JUST STOP DESTROYING WINTERFELL AND MINIATURE MODELS OF IT? SHIT. People making my heart sad with their Winterfell destruction deserve to get slapped. Also: is this the gif you asked for on Twitter? If so, here you go:

sansaslap

Lor: YEEEEEES. This will come in handy when we’re trying to decide on the best slap for this year.

Robin runs away and cries. Littlefinger saw the whole thing. Sansa says she shouldn’t have hit Robin, and Littlefinger agrees; his mother should’ve hit him a long time ago. Sansa says she was just trying to remember what everything looked like, since she’ll probably never see it again. Littlefinger feeds her some bullshit about having to knock down stuff to make it better, which just seems like an insensitive thing to say to someone whose house fucking burned down. Sansa abruptly asks why he really killed Joffrey. Littlefinger says that he loved Catelyn Stark and rhetorically asks, “given the opportunity, what do we do to those who hurt the ones we love?” Sansa smiles a little bit meaning something bad is going to happen soon because that’s like three small smiles in this scene alone.

Littlefinger says that in a better world, Sansa might’ve been his child. But they don’t live in that world, so instead he’s going to kiss her. BECAUSE THAT ISN’T GROSS AT ALL. Of course, Lysa sees the kiss, but not Sansa pulling away.

Sweeney: YOU DON’T GO FROM, “I COULD BE YOUR DAD,” TO “LET’S MAKEOUT.” Ew. Ew ew ew.

Lor: Even apart from that sentiment, the way he framed that whole thought was weird: in a better world, you’d be my child. This is the fucked up world though, so I *guess* I’ll settle for kissing you.

Later, Lysa sends for Sansa. Lysa is standing in front of the open moon door and tells her niece that it’s fascinating what happens to bodies following the impact after the fall. Lysa confronts Sansa about kissing Petyr. She grabs Sansa by the hair and pushes her down to look down through the moon door, yelling that death is what happens to people that stand between her and Petyr. Littlefinger enters and calls Lysa off of Sansa. He swears on his life to send Sansa away. Lysa lets her go and cries. Petyr approaches and tells her that he’s only loved one woman.

 

Just to be sure we’re clear here, that was Petyr Fucking Baelish pushing Lysa out of a moon door.

And we’ll have to wait two weeks to see what it means for everyone, especially Robin who  has to go cold turkey off of breast milk now.

 

Here are some great Tweets from this episode’s #gameofsnark:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Join us in two weeks, on Sunday June 1st for the next #gameofsnark! You don’t have to watch live to participate. You Tweet your thoughts as you watch!

 

Next time: It’s The Mountain and vs Prince Oberyn AND DAMMIT OUR NEW FAVORITE BETTER WIN in Game of Thrones S03 E08 – The Mountain and the Viper.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.





Written by

Marines

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.