Pretty Little Liars S03 E12 – Zero cousins

Previously: The show tried to make us believe Paige was responsible for all the evil and probably not Maya’s cousin Nate was awful.
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The Lady Killer

Lorraine: We’re at some sort of crime or accident scene, and watch as paramedics wheel a gurney into the back of ambulances. A crowd has gathered, and our fabulous and fashionable fibbers are there as well. Hanna is bawling as Aria and Spencer hold her up. A little ways away, Gossip Cop (at least I think it is. I may just be calling every cop who isn’t Wilden Gossip Cop) (S: None of them do a whole lot of law officering, so probably accurate.) asks Emily if the deceased was their friend. Emily doesn’t answer, and it’s probably because Hanna’s really loud gasp-crying is super distracting.

Sara: For real though, Hanna, tone it down. Shit.

Sweeney: But how else could they achieve the clear, “CALEB’S DEAD!” fakeout they’re going for?

Lor: SHHHHH.

After the credits, Spencer, Hanna and Aria are watching news coverage of Garret’s trial, including an interview with Mariska Mom. It’s two days earlier from the teaser. Hanna wonders how this all got so big. She claims that all eyes are on Rosewood, which I find hard to believe, because if they were, they’d probably just have to charge every adult male in the town with statutory rape.

Aria, finishing up on a phone call, tells the other girls that Emily is taking the long way to get to the Hasting’s House to avoid reporters. Unbeknownst to Emily, the girls are staging an intervention. They figure Em’s gonna be pissed, but Hanna’s apparently Googled, “intervention” and says that they have to make Emily feel safe, not judged. The plan is to greet her warmly and then hit her with the truth. That job, they are leaving to Spencer, who is wearing an adorable shift dress with a four legged animal print, and a big bow belt.

In order to properly exposit us into the episode, Spencer tells us all about how guilty Paige is. Hanna asks some very good questions (why would Paige drug Emily and then drug herself?) and dear, sweet Spencer guesses that she did it to appear innocent. Kind of like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

Emily arrives and the girls start with their, “we love you very much,” spiel. She twigs to the fact that they aren’t preparing for an apology. They lied to her to get her there.

Sara: Um, hello, welcome to the show, Emily.

Lor: Emily looks right at Aria when she says this too, and it’s hilarious because Aria’s ALWAYS lied to her friends. I’d even wager to say she’s the one that’s most lied to her friends. So, to answer Emily’s question: S01 E01 – Pilot.

Spencer says Garrett didn’t kill Maya, and Emily thinks they are crazy for insinuating that Paige did. She starts to leave but the girls stop her with their final piece of evidence: the other earring Aria put in Ali’s casket, which they stole out of Paige’s bookbag. Emily reminds them that they have a psycho stalker who’s planted plenty of incriminating evidence before.

Sara: I mean, seriously. The partner to that earring was planted in Aria’s locker. GIRLS. PAY ATTENTION.

Sweeney: Their big argument was literally, “WE HAVE THE OTHER PIECE OF PREVIOUSLY PLANTED EVIDENCE!”

Lor: School for Obviously Not Teaching Kids How to Pay Attention to Things. Aria is just sitting around staring at nothing. This might actually be an official class at Rosewood High. Hanna interrupts her studies to say that Emily ditched first period. Aria’s pretty down on herself for lying to her friends and manages to turn this whole, “Emily is missing” thing into “ARIA ARIA ARIA ARIA” time. (S: ALWAYS.) She tells Hanna all about how Ezra knocked up Alex Mac and she had the kid. Hanna encourages Aria to tell her boyfriend because after three seasons, she’s figuring out that secrets tear people apart.

 

Spencer’s at her locker and Paige is just a couple of lockers away. They exchange intense looks and Spencer tells Paige to spill it if she has something to say. Emily called Paige after the Pretty Little Intervention, in tears. Paige tells Spencer to leave Emily alone and is gripping her field hockey stick like she might bust a knee cap soon. Spencer says she knows who Paige is, and she answers that with a slammed locker door and a stomp away.

Because that isn’t going to make her look guiltier.

Sara: Paige could provide an airtight alibi, with photos, videos, and eyewitness accounts, and these girls still wouldn’t believe her, so I guess I’d probably slam my locker door and hold my hockey stick really menacingly, too, if I was Paige.

Sweeney: It’s gotta suck to know you’re getting some major Toby Edit.

Lor: Spencer is shaking after the encounter.

Field’s House? Seriously, is she just living there sans parents? Anyone? Paige is trying to figure out what the other Liars are on about. After promises that Paige won’t tell a soul, Emily confesses that there is someone else probably helping Mona. They can’t go to the cops about it because this New A has a picture of them near or around shovels and in front of an open grave. Paige puts it all together, that the other Liars think she’s the New A. Paige’s phone rings and it’s a text message from A. We can’t read the whole thing because Paige is rudely placing her thumb over some of the message. The first part says, “10PM Saturday Rosewood Cemetery.” Then we see “...hurt. -A”

Paige makes up an excuse about taking care of some family stuff but promises to stick with Emily.

 

Perpetual Lunch Time Sometimes Interrupted By A Class. It’s lunch time. Spencer tries to call Emily again, but it goes to voice mail. The girls are super worried because Paige “went home sick” which means she’s definitely with Emily, skipping school. AND SHE COULD BE MURDERING HER FACE OFF RIGHT NOW. They are apparently so worried that Paige is going to murder her today, that Aria is willing to go to the police. Hanna shoots that idea down quickly and Spencer suggests calling Emily’s parents and telling them. They all agree and immediately get a text message for A, telling them to stand down in order to keep Emily safe.

The soundtrack changes to this song as we follow the footsteps of a person we soon see is dressed as a nurse. The Nurse casually waves to the front desk person and walks on out, revealing that it’s Mona. Literally walking out of the psychiatric hospital.

Sara: YES. MONA. These plots have gotten so old hat now, that seeing Mona is a breath of fresh air. 

Sweeney: Ah, yes, take a nice deep breath and let that crazy fill your lungs! (It truly is a nice replacement for the stale boredom it’s replacing.)

Lor: I feel like one of us should be worried about breathing in the crazy.

For the first time ever, we get an outside shot of the Marin Manor, and we weren’t so far off when we called it a manor. Inside, the girls are still worrying about Emily, and think they should still call her parents if they don’t hear from her soon. Spencer gets another message from A, this time telling them to be at Ali’s grave Sunday at 10pm with Maya’s bag. A also sent along pictures of the girls standing near or around shovels, but Emily’s been cut out of the photos. They are still assuming this is Paige’s doing, protecting Emily and leaving the other Liars to take the blame. There is another picture, one of a body bag with the caption, “Tell Emily and I’ll leave you holding the body bag.”

The girls hear a bang coming from downstairs and get spooked. They go out to investigate.

 

They see a shadow moving around downstairs and run back into the room. Hanna grabs her lamp and holds it up as a weapon, but it’s just Caleb. He was supposed to be watching Emily, but there are tons of reporters camped out on her lawn, and her mom’s home! LOOK! Her mom is home! I probably shouldn’t be this excited about this minor detail, but alas. Spencer tells Caleb about the message from A, and he says the girls won’t be going to the cemetery alone.

Later, Hanna calls Emily and learns that she’s planning to go out of town with Nate, because she’s dumb. And also to get away from all the media attention. Hanna is also dumb and thinks is a great idea. Hanna says that even if it doesn’t seem like it, they are there for her. Emily says it doesn’t seem like it, and hangs up.

Mama Fields! shows up long enough to see Emily packing the last of her bags for her Murder Trip with Nate, and supposedly, Nate’s parents are going to be there too. Mama Fields looks after her daughter all, “shit. I just got here.”

Hanna and Spencer agree to meet later that night at 9pm and part ways. Spencer runs into Toby, on the way back into town and they slow run to each other and embrace. She apologies for keeping lots of secrets and even though he left all, “I HATE YOUR SECRETS,” he tells her she totally doesn’t need to apologize for that. They kiss and laugh and kiss.

 

Sara: TOBY! Toby and Mona! This episode is buttering me up after 11 episodes of the same old shit.

Sweeney: MAGICAL RETURNS, CHARACTERS! MAGICAL RETURNS!

Lor: Pedopartment. Aria is being ignored by her boyfriend when there’s a knock at the door. She answers it, only to find… Alex Mac! Who was “in the neighborhood.” And decided to stop by after a decade…? Aria and Alex recognize each other and it’s super awkward, and only more so when Ezra introduces Aria as his girlfriend. She rushes to confess but Alex Mac stops her, and plays along.

After a break, Ezra is catching Alex Mac up on his mostly unemployed life. She asks why he left teaching and he looks over at his fetus girlfriend and declares that a complicated subject. I don’t think it’s very complicated at all. “Running from the law.” Boom.

Someone’s at the door again, and Ezra stands to answer, giving Aria and Alex Mac a chance to whisper-converse. Aria wants Alex to tell Ezra about his son, but she wants more time to figure out what’s right. Aria feels uncomfortable keeping this secret, but Alex Mac strong arms her into it.

Caleb is packing a bag with super spy stuff and also a gun. Hanna walks in on him and freaks out about him having a gun. He wants the protection, but Hanna insists that he not take it along. He stashes it in one of her drawers and tries to convince Hanna that this whole A business will end tonight. He doesn’t know that PLL seasons last FOREVER. This was the mid-season finale, though, so maybe we’ll get a huge but misleading reveal at the end! FINGERS CROSSED!

Mona is in a creepy bathroom somewhere, and she’s got a light, light application of Faith’s Coma Make-Up. She’s also dressed in A’s signature black hoodie. Mona answers her cell phone and listens to some instructions we aren’t privy to.

Spencer and Toby are still making out, but now they are in her room. Toby asks Spencer if she’s sure, and she is, and they move to bed and TOBY ABS! Etc.

Sara: And it’s so sweet! This show is actually really good about not having a lot of sex scenes, surprisingly enough, so this scene was handled really nicely, I thought. Also: Toby Abs.

Sweeney: I didn’t even realize just how magical these returns would be. Toby Abs, everyone. Toby Abs.

Lor: On the Murder Trip, Emily is napping and Nate tucks her in.

At Emily’s house, Hanna steals Maya’s bag from Em’s closet.

Then we weirdly cut back to Spencer and Toby sex. Then to Caleb taking back his gun from an underwear drawer. Then to Aria awkwarding in a corner while her boyfriend and his baby Mama share some cake. I think the theme of this montage (set to this song) is “what I’m doing tonight.” Between napping, breaking and entering, having sex with Toby, packing up a gun, and baby momma drama, I think we have a clear winner.

We end this musical montage with Spencer walking Toby downstairs. She tries to determine if he’ll be leaving town again and he non-answers that he’s exactly where he needs to be. They exchange I love yous, but Toby gives the camera major shifty eyes behind Spencer’s back.

Night time. Mona is back in a creepy lair, complete with dolls, an Alison collage, and crazy clown mask. Mona tells the other A, who is in a rocking chair facing away from us, that there’s a change of plans. A2 turns toward us, but we don’t see who it is, and there is a cut to black.

Empty Grave Rave. Caleb is explaining how the recording device he has works. Spencer tells him to take Maya’s bag with him, as it’s their only leverage. He grabs it and makes himself scarce.

Murder Trip at Night Making It Look Infinitely More Murdery. A phone call wakes Emily up. She answers and a distorted voice tells her she has one minute to get out.

It’s 10:40pm and A still hasn’t shown up. Hanna calls Nate and leaves a message for him, telling him she just wants to make sure everything is okay.

Emily is still not out of the cabin. (S: SO STUPID. She has been almost murdered how many times now? Someone says get out, GTFO.) She sees some of Nate’s stuff on the table and starts going through it. She finds a letter addressed to her, but has to stuff it back in the bag because Nate’s back with firewood. He starts setting up the fire, and Emily sees a paint splatter on his shoe and is all, “that is the most familiar paint splatter ever!” She chats with Nate while surreptitiously looking through pictures on her photo. She finds the one: Maya is sitting outdoors and that same exact boot is just in the picture. Maya is wearing a True North shirt.

At the grave site, the girls are searching for Emily’s inn, because they are thinking maybe Paige sent them here to keep them away from Emily. Just then a car drives past, and it’s Caleb who heard them talking about the two places Emily could possibly be and decided to take off for one, IMMEDIATELY. He tells the girls to go check out the other location.

Sweeney: This was super weird. The notification probably should have come first, particularly since part of your function was being an eye from a distance. Of course, this is the second time this episode that Caleb dropped that ball. This is the kind of shady behavior that gets you sent off to one-season spin-off land, Caleb.

Lor: Sad.

Murder Trip. Nate is making tea, like a big creep. Emily has no signal. She says she wants to get some fresh air and Nate offers to go with her, like a creep. Em says she’ll find her own way, so he hands her a jacket, like a creep. Outside, she starts rushing away… and runs straight into Nate.

 

We cut to the cabin, where Nate is showing Emily a video of Maya. In the video, she says that she’s working on getting her life right, while staying at Noel Kahn’s cabin, and she wants to be with Emily. Kind of randomly, Maya mentions that she saw that stalker from True North at a party the other day. While watching, Nate is stabbing the couch with a knife. I told you this asshole wasn’t anyone’s cousin. (S: Anyone at all. HE HAS NO COUSINS, FOR SURE FOR SURE.)

Nate starts a scorned lover’s version of Villain Gloating, saying he loved Maya so much, and Emily took her away from him, and then ironically gave him a piece of her back when he found her at The Brew. Nate says he’s going to take something from Emily now, and she’s going to watch him do it. Nate opens a closet and Paige is inside, bound and gagged and crying. Nate is close talking to Emily, saying that she played him just like Maya played him. He gave her a choice, and she picked Paige. Nate turns his back and Emily takes this second to reach for his nearby cell phone. Nate picks Paige up and deposits her on the couch.

Sara: Poor Paige. Right after becoming New and Improved, she gets the Toby Edit and then gets threatened by Not Anyone’s Cousin Nate. 

Lor: Hanna, Aria and Spencer arrive at the first cabin. They approach it an achingly slow way, so hopefully their best friend isn’t getting murdered in there, or anything. That scene is intercut with Nate still Villain Gloating about how no one can find him, because his name isn’t even Nate St. Germain. AND THEN. Emily is all, “who are you really?” AND THIS STUPID SCROTUM WRINKLE TELLS HER HIS REAL NAME. He brings his knife closer to Paige but suddenly hears something outside. He gets up to look out the window, and curses at what he sees. Emily gets up and runs away. (S: LEAVING PAIGE. LOL.)

Hanna, Aria and Spencer finally bust in on their cabin, but it’s empty, meaning that Nate heard and saw Caleb outside.

Emily is running through the woods, trying to call someone, and the other Liars leave the cabin they are in. Emily reaches the actual lighthouse their cabin is named for and goes inside because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO MURDER YOU? She gets a single bar and calls 9-1-1 just in time for Not Nate to attack her. Emily manages to knock the knife out of his hand and grab it herself. In the ensuing grapple match, Emily stabs Not Nate in the gut, and Caleb finds her one second later, crying and covered in blood. He grabs her into a hug and we pan out of the lighthouse. There is a gun shot.

Cut to where we started in the teaser. Caleb is being rolled into an ambulance. He has a stomach wound. Hanna is bawling. Emily is is too distraught to talk to the police. Paige comes over to do it for her, so she can run and hug Hanna. Spencer and Paige share a look. I’d like to think it’s a, “okay so maybe you aren’t a psycho stalker killer,” look.

Sara: Was it just me, or was Paige expecting Emily to come comfort her, and when she ran to comfort the Liars instead, was heartbroken?

Lor: Probably. Paige is heartbroken a lot.

Later, the Liars wait in the hospital waiting room. Mrs. Fields is there too, and she announces that Caleb is still in surgery. Mama Fields is paged to a courtesy phone and when she’s gone, the girls all get a phone call. They pick up and a distorted voice says, “Emily, I owe you one.” The girls look up and see Garrett Reynolds walking with Mama Hastings. She comes over to them, and then thinks it’s a good idea to tell Emily that even though she was almost killed and her girlfriend was almost killed and Caleb was shot, the good news is that this all helped get Garrett out of prison! The girls look over at him, and he gives them all a smarmy smile.

Elsewhere, A2 walks Mona, now back in the nurse’s uniform back to the hospital. She tells A2 to get Maya’s cell phone back from Paige, which shouldn’t be too hard, since Paige doesn’t even know she has it. Mona laments not being able to place a call to Maya’s cell, so that everyone would suspect her of killing Maya. No worse for it, though, she heads inside. And who turns around and faces the camera with the evilest look since he was being given a Toby Edit? TOBY.

 

Sara: HE LOOKS SO EVIL. And possibly the hottest he’s ever looked on this show?

Sweeney: I’m going to double down on tags for that sentence because it’s equal parts “my feelings are confused” and “he may be hot but he’s probably a stalker.”

Lor: A-nonymous. Maybe Toby? grabs a flyer for a Halloween Ghost Train. He uses a voice distorter to order two tickets. My closed captioning says, “Toby. Voice Distorted.”

SAY IT AIN’T SO, CLOSED CAPTIONING. SAY IT AIN’T SO. Say it’s a mid-season break false reveal! (And also, that this level of hotness will remain going forward. Ahem.)

 

Next time: It’s Halloween and apparently a Ghost Train is not a fun thing in Pretty Little Liars S03 E13 – This is a Dark Ride.