Veronica Mars S01 E13 – Only the guilty smize.

Previously: Veronica was falsely accused of making shitty fake IDs. She also used her powers for unethical behavior that made for good TV as we listened in on therapy sessions with people close to Lilly.
—

Lord of the Bling

Sweeney: The episode begins with a wealthy black man (*gasp*!) yelling at someone on the phone as he lounges by the pool. His wife comes over and he grumbles how it’s always nice there. She has stuff for him to sign, like permission slips for their kids who live a wonderful cushy life which is far removed from the life that he had growing up on the streets. (L: First generation rich, natch.) His wife teases him about his discomfort with this: “And the street was tough and you lost a lot of homies. But this is Neptune.” As he’s wondering how he ended up with “National Black Velvet and Urkel” for children, Urkel walks up. (Probably wondering how such a smart kid ended up with a dad who didn’t see how awesome that is.) Unfortunately, Urkel’s got bad news: National Black Velvet is missing.

Democracy Diva: According to Wikipedia, National Velvet is a book about a teenage girl who rides horses, in case you (like me) had no idea what that line meant. It’s also apparently a 1980s Canadian rock band, but that’s probably not the thing they were referencing.

Sweeney: Probably not. That’s kind of a weird reference though. At the risk of being spoiling later events in the episode, that’s likely an early tip-off that this guy is putting on a wee bit of a facade

Mars Investigations. Wallace and Veronica are chatting as they see the tabloid cover about Mrs. Echolls jumping off the bridge. (RIP, only Echolls Diva Snow didn’t hate.) (L: It’s rough on these streets for a Snow.) (D: I didn’t even like her that much and I’m still devastated.) Veronica can’t really say how Logan’s doing as their friendship ended a long time ago. Papa Mars returns and Veronica nags him about taking his back pain meds and using his heating pad and eating fiber and continuing to have the cutest father/daughter relationship ever. Veronica turns back to Wallace and stares at his new hair and he tells her to stop staring and keep resisting the urge to touch it.

Lorraine: I’ve had people ask to touch my hair. I’ve had people touch without asking. ALWAYS RESIST THE URGE.

Sweeney: This little, “Hey, a black guy and white girl are friends!” moment is interrupted by the arrival of the rap mogul from the episode intro. The racial dynamics of the scene continue after Veronica directs him to Keith’s office and Wallace explains that if Veronica is “serious about her cred with the urban demographic,” she should know who that is. Basically, he’s a super successful rap mogul with a storied past involving a lot of gang violence. Bone Hamilton. (D: That sounds more like the name of a president’s dog than a hip hop mogul, but whatever.) Veronica realizes that this is Yolanda National Black Velvet Hamilton’s father and says that they “used to be friends – a long time ago.”

COME ON NOW SUGAR!

Lor: That little self-referential line will never not be funny to me.

Diva: I rolled my eyes. Hard. Sorry ’bout it.

Sweeney: YOU TAKE THAT BACK. IT’S ADORABLE.

Inside his office, Keith asks if Bone is sure she’s really missing. Bone explains that Yolanda’s car had clear signs of struggle and he’s sure someone’s got her. He’s also not interested in Keith’s suggestion that he go to the cops because rap impresarios don’t like the cops and he hears Keith Mars is also a badass who has issues with the po-po. Keith acknowledges that he does, indeed, share this problem. Bone has a big list of names of people who might have issues with him, and that’s just people in southern California.

Mars Apartment. Veronica is making dinner (“something that ends in -aroni“) when Keith returns, reading up on his new client, who is, “the scariest man alive who’s also launching a line of casual wear.” Veronica volunteers to ask around, since Yolanda is a senior at her school.

Neptune High School for Dead BFF Flashbacks. Veronica recalls the fact that she once had the opportunity to help Yolanda, sending us into seriously bright Lillyback. Yolanda is a new student, looking for her classes, being oggled by Logan and Duncan. Lilly congratulates them on equal-opportunity oggling, and herself for not being the jealous type. The bell rings and Veronica goes to help Yolanda find her way around, and redirect her from the teacher’s lounge to the location of her actual classroom.

Diva: Neptune High: We don’t discriminate based on race. Only cup size. And your parents’ annual income.

Sweeney: Important things, you know?

Bad Blood Law Office. Keith goes to investigate the first name on Bone’s list – Sam Bloom. Sam’s kid and Yolanda grew up together. He’s a lawyer, and explains to Keith that “bad blood” is putting it mildly, and realizes that Keith doesn’t know that backstory. “When Bone was – as he’s fond of telling the magazines – fighting his way up from the mean streets, he didn’t advertise the fact that much of his success was due to his comfortable upper middle class Jewish lawyer.” Full quote included because this episode is pretty in your face with its of use of stereotypes, but what I think is particularly interesting about it is the way in which Bone deploys and exploits those stereotypes – and the consequences it has for those around him. So here we have the stereotypical “thug” persona revealed as artifice – at least in part. Later on in their relationship, though, Bloom found out that Bone was guilty of tax evasion and gave him up to save his practice. Keith says it sounds like Bone’s the one with the grudge there, which prompts Bloom to reveal that he’s now in a wheelchair – as part of a hit ordered by Bone. Or, at least, Bloom’s convinced it was Bone – Bone himself denies it.

Diva: Speaking of stereotypes, as someone raised by Jews from Brooklyn, I feel I have the authority to note that Sam Bloom’s accent was unreasonably heavy on the New York Jew. Who even talks like that in southern California, unless they’re working on a Woody Allen movie?

Sweeney: Neptune High School For Interrogating Your Peers. Veronica is talking to Yolanda’s friend Gabrielle, the one she was with the night she went missing, at lunch. (D: Gabrielle is played by That Other Girl from High School Musical, because no episode of this show would be complete without a “look, it’s that guy from that thing!”) Also, As Gabrielle explains what happened that night, Veronica Voice Over tells us that the friend is exhibiting all sorts of telltale signs of lying that she learned from her dad: indirect eye contact, smile that doesn’t crinkle the eyes.

Lor: A-ha! Only the guilty smize.

Diva: A+ for that gif, Lor. Tyra is SO GUILTY.

Sweeney: This is my new favorite representation of GUILTY FACE.

Veronica presses her for the truth and Gabrielle confesses that they had been sneaking out to a club where she was dating a bouncer who’s older and would get her totes killed by her parents. Gabrielle left with the guy at around midnight, with Yolanda still there – but she had her car. Veronica sasses that she hopes Yolanda’s OK and Gabrielle bites back, “You think I don’t? She’s my friend. Who are you?”

As Gabrielle storms off, Veronica calls and leaves her dad a message about checking up on the club as looks off into that magical spot in the horizon that pulls her into Lillybacks. “Who am I?” the VVO asks. “I was her first friend at Neptune.” She recalls Yolanda’s first lunch with her friends. Dick asks what her dad does and Yolanda’s quick to joke that he’s one of the Dixie Chicks and makes more money than his dad, which was probably Dick’s real question. The gang move on to talking about this big biannual party coming up which Yolanda simply must attend.

Child Abuse & Brooding Mansion. Shitbag Echolls reflects on a time that they played a trick on Lisa Rinna. They told her they were dressing up as animals to go to the zoo and she got dressed up as a mermaid before realizing that nobody else got dressed up. Because she was fierce as hell, she said fuck you guys and kept wearing that mermaid costume anyway. Get it, girl. Also rest in peace. (D: Also, a mermaid isn’t even an animal, Lisa Rinna. But I admire your spirit.) Logan remembers that day because on the way home from the zoo, Logan spilled a milkshake in the BMW and Shitbag gave him a bloody nose. Shitbag comes up with some bullshit retelling in which it was Logan’s own fault he was an awful, abusive father. Shitbag asks if Logan has heard from his sister. He did – she sent a telegram saying she can’t come back from her movie shoot in Australia. Logan finally gets to leave when the doorbell rings.

Diva: I don’t think I knew Logan had a sister until this moment, but since she won’t come back FOR HER OWN MOTHER’S FUNERAL, I’m thinking she’s not going to replace Lisa Rinna as The Only Echolls I Like.

Sweeney: She hasn’t been mentioned up to this point. We’ll get to her eventually, Diva Snow. Just you wait.

Mars Investigations. Keith is setting off to follow a lead – the bouncer at the club they went to is on Bone’s list. Veronica snatches up his keys, due to him being injured and on strong pain meds. He insists that this is a Mars Investigations matter and he’s Mars. She ask who she is, and he says she’s Veronica and she’s staying. It’s cute. Cuter still is when V gets her way and he lets her drive as long as she promises to stay in the car, which we all know she won’t.

Lor: Keith knows she won’t either, I’m sure, but he wouldn’t be a good dad if he didn’t at least try.

Sweeney: Club Abduction. Veronica tells Keith to watch his back, adding that she “mean[s] that medically.” Keith interviews the bouncer, who was fired by Bone for getting a little too friendly with Yolanda. Pedo Bouncer says that experience didn’t make him mad, but smart. Congrats on learning to be less of a pedobear! Good job. This guy says that if Bone has Keith after him, he figures it means he doesn’t know who else was there that night, specifically, a rapper named Dime Bag who is also on the list. Bone once dangled him out a window until he signed a contract. He’s good at making friends. Dime Bag is staying at the hotel. Keith notices something new in the car, which Veronica says are valet stubs because she figures even kidnappers have to park. Keith gives her a look and she says, “I know, stay in the car,” before starting up the car to be on their way.

At Dime Bag’s hotel, Veronica has been waiting diligently by (though not in…) the car when Keith returns, saying that the he couldn’t get to Dime Bag through any direct, non-shady means, so they’ll have to go to Plan B. Plan B is for Keith to dress up as a janitor and bug the room.

Up in the lobby, VVO reflects on how this is not where she figured things would end up when she met Yolanda. Probably also didn’t think her best friend would be brutally murdered at 16 either. She imagined they’d all keep hanging out like they did the first month, being normal – “this being, of course, before that word lost all meaning.”

Lillyback time, Rap Impresario Edition! The girls are at Yolanda’s house headed down to her room, past all of Bone’s platinum records. Her little brother is at the bottom of the stairs and Yolanda grumbles about her eavesdropping little brother, who pops up to inform them that their dad is away, “…on business for a while.” That’s so sad and awkward. (D: I didn’t realize until now that that was code for “prison.” Now I’m sad.) He’s so sweet and Yolanda just brushes him off like a total older sister. Lilly jokes that her brother is worse.

In Yolanda’s room, Lilly’s talking about who she’ll go out with next because she’s got 0 patience for Logan’s jealousy. Lilly says she’s ditching a party that weekend because she doesn’t want, “him getting all crazy jealous every time a boy undresses [her] with their eyes – which happens all the time. I can’t help it if God made me fabulous.” (D: +1 and 1430 to Lilly. YOU ARE MY ROLE MODEL.) Veronica rolls her eyes at this and she and Yolanda giggle. They talk about their future adventures and Yolanda says she’s so glad she met them. “You should be glad. We’re the best,” Lilly says and Veronica nods.

Veronica is pulled out of this Lillyback by it’s conveniently reaching its plot relevant conclusion just as Dime Bag and his friends return. They’re at the front desk complaining about the size of their room and asking for a new one. The good news is that the new room will keep them from catching Keith, but the bad news is that he’s bugging the wrong room. Veronica steps in, ditching her scarf and jacket and grabbing a nearby pad of paper, pretending to run shit. She says she’s Melinda, their hospitality hostess, and makes a snide comment about the desk girl being new and inept. She offers to show them to their room.

Lor: This works surprisingly well. I should probably carry around a clipboard for those moments I need to pretend to run shit.

Diva: You should also carry around a front desk girl who will strangely ignore your totally shady behavior, and a master key to every room in the hotel. That’s basically the only way this plan could possibly work.

Sweeney: I think she took the key card that the incompetent front desk girl handed them. So really, it entirely hinges on that front desk girl not knowing shit about her job and, you know, who else works there.

Upstairs, Dime Bag & co. are pleased with the new room, though Veronica is super awkward as she explains the really obvious things about the room, like the bathroom and phone, which she mimes using to distract from the fact that she’s planting a bug under the table it’s on. She offers to send up some more Cristal and sees herself out.

Garage. Keith is mad that she was gone and she lies and says it was a bathroom break. He pulls up their laptop and find them listening in on a couple fighting. Veronica grabs it and changes the settings to correct to the new room, where Dime Bag & co. (in)conveniently waited the whole 5-10 minutes it would have taken her to return to the lobby for her stuff and then get down to the car to start talking about the hot hospitality hostess Melinda. “She’s hot if you like them scrawny,” they say. The plan is to get Bone to beg, and Veronica defensively says she’s not scrawny as she starts up the car.

Diva: Yes, Veronica, you are. Your scrawniness, and your defensive refusal to admit that you are scrawny, are part of what makes you so fucking lovable.

Sweeney: Child Abuse & Brooding Mansion. Shitbag Echolls tells Logan that he understands that Logan blames him, but wants them to make a deal to be a team because it’s what Lisa Rinna would have wanted. Logan douchily puts on his sunglasses and gives his dad a peace sign.

Diva: This might have been the first time I truly enjoyed a Logan-douche moment because 1) his mom just killed herself, so he pretty much gets to act out as much as he wants right now and 2) Aaron had it coming with all his “let’s be friends!” bullshit. My love for Logan has increased to previously unseen heights of like, 3%. 

Sweeney: Aaron’s the worst. Logan pretty much always gets to act out to Aaron, due to his being an abusive sack of shit, but yeah, extra extra right now.

Outside, there’s a paparazzi guy hiding in their bushes and Logan flips out. He chases the guy to the gate, which he tries to climb. Logan snatches the camera and throws it at the ground. Shitbag tries to intervene (a tiny bit late) and Logan’s having none of that, telling him that what Lisa Rinna really would have wanted is for Shitbag to not be such a cheating, self-obsessed shitbag. “Maybe we both wish we’d been better, but she’s only gone because of you.” Truth.

Diva: Fine. 5%. Slowly but surely, Logan, I’m coming around to maybe one day even liking you.

Sweeney: 5%! ALERT THE PRESSES.

Neptune High School Fancy Science Lab For One Student Because $$$ Or Something. Veronica finds Urkel working on a civil engineering independent study project. Reiterating the, “Asshole Dads Are Assholes,” theme, Urkel says that something serious happened to Yolanda and it’s clearly some lowlife Bone stepped over on his way to the top and, as such, his fault. Urkel doesn’t buy that Bone is desperate to get her back, given the lack of police involvement. Also, he’s got daddy issues hardcore: “he’s been in jail a third of my life, but I’m an embarrassment.” (D: BRB, brushing away what is definitely NOT a tear because I’m totally emotionally stable.) He keeps touching all the hot buttons, asking if Veronica and Lilly stopped being friends with Yolanda because they found out Bone was in jail. Veronica swears that wasn’t it. He thinks it’s bullshit that they just “drifted apart,” especially since Yolanda really liked them.

Lillyback, Severed Ties Edition. VVO says that she liked Yolanda too. In the Lillyback they’re at the party, sans Lilly. It’s time for Duncan to go home and they head off, talking about how cool Yolanda is. She realizes she forgot her purse and runs back to find Yolanda and Logan making out. The next day at school, Veronica is telling Lilly about it, but adding that she needs to talk to Yolanda about it. Lilly goes a bit more Regina George than Karen Smith, responding that she doesn’t even know a Yolanda.

Lor: A nice bit of continuity and another piece of the flashback story. We knew already that Logan blamed Veronica for telling on him about that stupid kiss (as well as blaming Lilly and himself) and here is the kiss, and this is the girl.

Sweeney: Bone’s Home Office. Bone is not liking the part about having to beg Dime Bag for anything. His wife tells him to suck it the fuck up because this is his daughter. Reluctantly, he does. Dime Bag says he might, in fact, know something about Yolanda, but demands that he beg, what with Bone having once held him out a window and all. Bone finally begs and Dime Bag reveals that he doesn’t actually know shit and hangs up. The real point, though, is to hear what they say after the call, via the bug they planted. Unfortunately, they don’t say anything helpful. Just some gross stuff about how nice it would be to have Bone’s “little miss princess” locked up and available. Weeee misogyny! Urkel creeps around the corner in time to hear that and look sad before getting yelled at.

Mars Apartment. Wallace helps Veronica go through all the ticket stubs, because Wallace has to have stuff to do. He does Veronica’s bidding in exchange for that fancy seat in the credits, apparently. I hope those SAG points are worth it. In among the stubs is one for Benjamin Bloom. Thanks to the fancy spy site she puts together that Sam Bloom has a son named Benjamin.

Diva: Cheers to the writers for accuracy, because basically all Jews are named Sam and Benjamin. (I still have the T-shirt from my Jewish pre-school class, and I’m pretty sure “Sam” and “Benjamin” make up half the names on that shirt.)

Sweeney: Lisa Rinna’s Wake Mansion. Logan goes around, thanking people for being there, mostly sarcastically. (D: Another Logan-douche moment I enjoyed because his shitty attitude is completely understandable, and actually makes him a much more relatable character than he was before.) (S: Does that bring him up to 6% or 7%?) He overhears Shitbag’s agent pressing him for an answer on a movie. Logan interjects that it would have been more convenient if ICM had just let them use the boardroom for this inconvenient funeral thing. After Logan walks away, Shitbag tells his agent to shut the fuck up, ultimately deciding that he’s just going to up and retire. That was a little less shitbaggy, but not really much in the face of all the child abuse and infidelity.

Up in Logan’s room, he’s playing video games and Duncan tries to get him to go back downstairs. Logan says that this isn’t his mom’s reception, but his dad’s. Duncan says he’s his friend and worried about him. Logan says that this doesn’t really even matter. He tells a story about a lighter that we saw him carrying around earlier. Lisa Rinna’s dad fought in the Korean war and they were captured and he had this lighter with him the whole time and got it engraved after they escaped. He tosses it to Duncan so he can see that it reads, “FREE AT LAST.” Logan says it was always in her purse, but she left it on her dresser the night she disappears, which Logan takes as a sign. Lisa Rinna hated all of this and they didn’t find a body because she’s not dead – she just escaped.

Diva: At first I thought Logan was insane. But the fact that they couldn’t find a body when they know exactly where she jumped? I mean, where else would it be but the river/banks below the bridge? I’m with Logan, you guys. I won’t believe she’s dead til I see a body. (But like don’t actually show it to me please thanks bye.)

Sweeney: “I’ll believe it when I see it (by way of strong suggestion instead of actual visuals.)”

Bad Blood Law Firm. Sam Bloom is adamant that his son doesn’t “hang out at hip hop clubs.” LOL. Sam admits that Benjamin was outraged by the shooting. Ben’s now a student at USC but he’s conveniently in Mexico hiking this weekend and can’t be reached. Keith tells Sam to let him know if he hears from Benjamin.

Mars Investigations. Keith asks Veronica how her sorority speak is and we are treated to the voice she used to help Kyla Pratt. She calls Benjamin’s dorm room, saying she met him at a mixer and needs to talk to him about something involving crabs. Papa Mars makes a face at that choice. She thanks the roommate and hangs up. He helpfully offered that Ben left alone last week, but he saw something about a confirmation # for a hotel in Vegas. Bro, you take a number and promise to pass the message along or something. (L: Crabs can wait.) Keith calls a friend in Vegas and asks for help. He sits down and notes that Veronica has been working super hard on this case, asking if Yolanda was a friend. Look at this involved parenting! Noticing his child! It’s amazing. Sandy Cohen would be so proud.

Lillyback, “We Used To Be Friends” Edition. Yolanda flags Veronica down after school, begging her to explain the situation to Lilly. Logan kissed her and the story about her throwing herself at him was total bullshit. Veronica hesitates and just as she’s saying that sometimes Lilly can be something, she’s interrupted by Lilly honking the horn for her them to get on the road to San Diego – an adventure Yolanda was originally supposed to be a part of. “In or out, Veronica!” she calls. Yolanda swears again that he kissed her and says she doesn’t want to blow it at Neptune. “You should have known better,” Veronica says and walks back to her car, knowing what an asshole she was being. VVO laments that Keith’s “fiercely non-conformist daughter caved to peer pressure and left a totally cool person on her own in a new school.”

Bone walks in with a note that says that someone wants a half million to ever see Yolanda alive again. Keith is perplexed by the fact that date/time/location are all revealed up front, giving them the opportunity to stake it out. Bone says it’s because he’s stupid and notes the use of “little miss princess” at the top – noting that it’s totes Dime Bag. (L: Probably not.)

After a Not Break, we see Bone filling up a suitcase with the money and a GPS tracker. He’s still not having police involvement as an option, implying that he’s got justice in the form of guys who will murder faces off. Keith says he can’t be a part of this, and Bone says he’s dismissed anyway and the check will be in the mail.

At the drop site, Keith and Veronica are huddled under an umbrella. Surely they would have discussed this sooner, but Keith explains then that he’s there even though he was fired because he wants to save the girl. He says this guy is either the dumbest or smartest, giving a drop location in advance which, as it turns out, has no escape routes and is totally open to surveillance. Veronica, however, notices the storm drains and has a theory. They buy some rubber ducks and plant a GPS tracker in them.

Back at the scene, Bone receives a call from the kidnapper. Kidnapper tells him to go to a trashcan on the corner to retrieve a plastic football. He doesn’t want the cash. Instead, he wants the quarter million dollar ring Bone likes to wave at people placed inside the football and thrown down that storm drain. The caller mentioned a cab, which Bones guys stop, but it runs out to be empty save for the driver. Um, random cabby may have just lost his life here. (L: Or at least soiled his pants. Either way, bad day.)

At the beach, where the drain ends, Urkel arrives to collect the football. Veronica walks up behind him, reiterating Keith’s theory that it had to be someone really stupid or really smart. Urkel’s really smart. She grabs her GPS-tracked duck and he says she’s smart too. Urkel explains that Yolanda wasn’t kidnapped, but she ran off. He overheard that she was planning to run off forever and stepped in to fake this whole kidnapping setup. He tells Veronica she wouldn’t understand his reasons, though he essentially explains in the next beat: Yolanda probably ran away to get her dad’s attention and he may well have stolen some of that thunder. Keith, meanwhile, is getting a call from his friend in Vegas who found not only Ben, but Yolanda.

Diva: I kind of had a feeling Urkel was involved, but I didn’t expect Yolanda to be where Ben was! Fun surprise. For me, anyway.

Sweeney: At Bone’s house, Urkel struts up and slams the ring down on the table in front of Bone. Keith explains that Yolanda wasn’t kidnapped and that Urkel wrote the note. “You can be mad, dad, but you can’t call me soft.” Thankfully, the look on Bone’s face is one that suggests that he gets how fucked up his treatment of his son was. Not really doling out full eyebrows for that, but I’ll treat it as a, “You’ve got potential to acquire Sandy Cohen eyebrows one day.” Keith then steps in to open up his laptop and teach them how Skype works. Yolanda’s there telling them that she’s fine and also married (GIRL, YOU HAVEN’T GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL YET, CALM DOWN) and she and Ben won’t be returning until the Montagues and Capulets get over themselves and make up. (Dropping out of high school to get married is such a modern day Juliet move.) Yolanda tells him that she knows he didn’t order the hit on Sam Bloom, but that he was all too eager to let everyone believe it for the cred, letting her and her brother be turned into gangster’s kids. Cue the second, “Aw, shit,” look. Yolanda tells him to give them her blessing and turns it off when he says nothing.

Diva: Mazel tov to the newlyweds! And welcome to the tribe, Yolanda.

Sweeney: Later, Veronica reaches out to Yolanda, who apparently just kept her webcam on all the time always. Veronica apologizes for what happened, and Yolanda says she probably would have done the same thing in V’s shoes.

Veronica gets a knock on the door. It’s none other than Logan Echolls, asking her to find his mother. Veronica takes a beat to process that request aaand we cue end credits.

Diva: Logan, I might actually like you TEN WHOLE PERCENT right now. If Veronica can’t help, come to Snark HQ, and I’ll help you find Lisa Rinna!

Next time: Blair Waldorf accuses Veronica’s favorite teacher, Adam Scott, of being a big pedoy creep on Veronica Mars S01 E13 – Mars vs. Mars.