Veronica Mars S01 E15 – WILLOW!!!

Previously: High school teacher Adam Scott knocked up and ran out his student/Blair Waldorf’s best friend.
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Ruskie Business

Democracy Diva: We begin at Neptune High, where a “Total Eclipse of the Heart” banner is hung up to notify us that there’s a dance a-coming. (L: Another one!) Veronica and Logan are discussing Lisa Rinna’s credit card statement – she used her maiden name for this card. And rented a red Benz convertible, which I think is the same car she allegedly crashed on the bridge. Maybe get a yellow one next time, just to go a little more incognito? Anyway, Logan sincerely thanks Veronica for helping him.

Duncan is helping plan the 80s dance and wants to know if anyone has asked Veronica to the dance; she snarks that she’s just waiting by the phone for that special boy to call. Flashback/Veronica Voice Over to Duncan and Veronica, the dream couple at a previous dance. But a girl named Meg interrupts the VVO because she’s getting secret admirer texts. She’s optimistic that it’s someone perfect for her, while Veronica assumes it’s a stalker, since she herself has been getting calls where someone just breathes and then hangs up. Meg wants Veronica on the case to find her soul mate.

Lorraine: Aw, that’s like a cute, normal case for a teenaged private eye!

Sweeney: AND SO WEIRD FOR VERONICA TO DO. So, Meg was created specifically for Alona Tal after she lost out on the part of Veronica to Kristen Bell. On previous watches I remember laughing at the idea of trying to picture the parts reversed, mostly because I struggled with the idea of Kristen Bell delivering those Meg lines. Jokes on me, though, since this is really just a mild version of her first big song in Frozen. So.

Diva: Back at the Mars office, Keith asks Veronica to interview a new potential client. Before Veronica even meets her, she calls her a “trophy wife looking for a golden parachute.” That was way harsh, Tai. The woman is Russian and, like Meg, is trying to find her soul mate.

Lor: Noooot so much with this one being a cute, normal case.

Diva: C’MON NOW, SUGAR!

Russian Lady exposits that she came here to marry this dude (hilariously explaining that she’s not technically a mail-order bride, since they use the internet now), then got cold feet and left him. But now I am distracted because I just saw Alyson Hannigan’s name in the credits!! YOU GUYS, IT’S WILLOW!!!!!!! Ahem. (L: SURPRISE!) Now Russian Lady wants him back because she thinks he’s a good man, but can’t find him. He’s an actor, but his name is Tom Cruz, so he wanted to change it because apparently there’s already this guy named Tom Cruise who’s pretty famous or whatever.

Wallace and Veronica, allegedly hanging out. But of course Veronica has an agenda, and asks Wallace if he’s on the basketball team. He points out that since she’s asking, she’s obviously never been to a game. Come on, V. You don’t know that your best friend is on a team? Get it together. (S: AND GO TO A GAME. SHIT.) Of course, she asks him a favor, one that involves snooping on his teammates, and Wallace finally calls her out on her constantly asking him for favors. He gets all petulant when he whines about how dramatic girls can be, but he finally gets to the point, which is that they need to hang out as friends and he needs to not be her bitch. (Okay, maybe he didn’t say that last part, but he definitely thought it.) (L: And I definitely support it.)

Mouth-Breathing Phone Calls and Maybe-Stalkery Text Messages High School. Secret admirer left flowers on Meg’s locker. Meanwhile, Wallace is caught holding another dude’s jock strap, and thus learns the lesson that some Veronica favors come with consequences. (L: Yes, but also Wallace picked up that jock strap all on his own. For reasons I do not understand.) (D: Some things I do not want to understand.)

Mars Office of E-Mail-Order-Brides. It’s $250 a day to keep the Marses (but really just Veronica) working on the case, and Russian Lady agrees. She gives details about how sweet and funny he is and also he likes Chinese food. Thanks, but that narrows it down to BASICALLY EVERYONE. In a brilliant, only-V-could-think-of-this move, Veronica pretends to be a casting director. She calls an agency, gives them the Russian man’s description, and asks for head shots, so she can use them to narrow him down. Brilliant move, lady.

Back at the House of Wallace Being Fed Up With This Shit, Wallace is FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. He’s retiring from the business. Except that he still helps Veronica research this dude’s dog which seems to be a rare breed.

Veronica calls Logan, whose answering machine features him reading an Eleanor Roosevelt quote in a very sarcastic tone. I giggled. Anyway, she leaves a message telling him to meet her at a hotel. When they meet up, she pretends to be his fiancé and tells the concierge they’re looking for a honeymoon suite. She pulls out a MASSIVE wedding binder that basically makes Logan look at her like this:

Lor: Right, because homegirl did NOT throw that together in whatever little amount of time before they met up at the hotel. Veronica Mars, is that your hobby?

Sweeney: We’ve never mentioned it on the blog, but it feels like a safe bet that 3/3 Veronica Mars recapping Snark Ladies own or once owned some sort of theater prop/costume box in their possession. I can only conclude that the Mars Investigations office has an entire storage closet just for their amazing collection of spy props and costumes and it is magical to imagine.

Diva: I might have an Amy Winehouse wig in my closet for special occasions, but something about the detail that went into that binder made me think it’s not just a prop.

Anyway, Veronica finds out which room is worth $1,200 per night, and thus matches the charges from Lisa Rinna’s credit card statement. Even though it’s occupied, she begs to see it, but the concierge says “our guest has insisted on her privacy,” making it really obvious that it’s totally Lisa Rinna’s room. Veronica wants to try to sneak in another way, but Logan refuses. His plan is to just sit there in the hotel lobby until his mother comes out of that elevator. But what if there’s also an elevator to the parking garage, Logan? What if she takes the stairs? What if she has a zip line that goes directly from her hotel room window to the nearest plastic surgeon’s office? This is a very poorly thought-out plan. (L: A+) V ditches him to work on her cases. She tracks down the flower shop where Meg’s flowers were purchased, but the hippie who works there can’t give her a decent description of the regular-looking dude who purchased them.

Mars Office of Wallace Looking at Cute Dog Pictures. Well, this is the kind of favor that he should be doing. Ones that don’t intrude on other’s privacy, and are adorable. Keith calls Veronica, wondering why the Russian Lady is still asking him how the case is going when he thought it was over. Veronica says she’s still working on it, and they could use the money, and also she wants to bring people together for a change. Meanwhile, Wallace found the rare breed of dog that the Russian Man owns, and Keith follows around a guy in a neck brace eating ice cream. Random scary dudes watch Keith from a car.

Veronica calls veterinarians asking for the super fancy breed of dog who goes by the name of Steve. She pretends she wants to breed her fancy dog with that one, and asks the vet to call Steve’s owner and ask if he’s game. Vet’s receptionist calls Veronica back a minute later to tell her the dog’s owner said no.

Veronica and Meg hit the sheriff’s office, where a sketch of Veronica wearing devil horns is hanging on the wall. Because women who have opinions and intelligence are possessed by Satan, I guess.

Lor: I don’t see how this is flirting, Deputy Mumbler. Though, perhaps he’s drawn the horns because the age of consent in California is 18, and statutory rape is the devil? It’s like a reminder.

Diva: Yup! Under California law, if they have sex before she’s 18, it’s at least a misdemeanor, and a felony if he’s more than three years older than her. Major devil horns all around.

But anyway, Veronica takes it in stride that these allegedly grown-ass men have a bitchy sketch of a seventeen-year-old girl in their office. She flirt-asks Officer Leo to find who who Steve’s vet called re: the breeding, and she talks about scratching his back and it’s a little gross.

There’s a party at a DudeBro’s house. Except it’s not really his house, it’s a model home in the complex his dad owns, or something. Is this a thing that happens regularly in wealthy California neighborhoods? Because Ryan Atwood totally lived in one of Kirsten Cohen’s model homes on The O.C. in that one episode with the fire. (S: I wonder if the developers of all these model homes have ever owned/watched television. They need to work on their security.)

DudeBro is one of the guys Meg thinks might be her secret admirer. She tries to hint that she knows it’s him by quoting the secret admirer’s texts, but he’s either not the one or too dumb to figure out what the hell she’s talking about. Or both. Probably it’s both. DudeBro accidentally spills a drink all over Meg, giving a much less dudebro-y guy named Martin the chance to offer a shirt for her to dry off with. Veronica, thinking maybe this is Meg’s admirer, asks to borrow his phone. Of course, it’s out of battery.

Duncan asks Veronica if she knows if Logan is okay, since he seems to have made that hotel lobby’s couch his permanent address. She says she’ll take care of it, and Duncan looks surprised and confused that she knew about Logan’s situation before he did. Or maybe that’s just this actor’s face. You never know with Duncan. Veronica heads to the hotel to try and get Logan to leave. When an employee finally tells him the lobby is for guests only, he simply hands over his credit card and says “book me a room, Jeeves.” He also wants a room service menu because staking out your mom who’s pretending to be dead makes you really want poached eggs and maybe a side of bacon, please. When Veronica arrives, she calls to report a lost car and gives Lisa Rinna’s maiden name, hoping to smoke her out of her hotel room. Logan and Veronica see a woman in Lisa Rinna’s black coat and hat. But it’s not Logan’s mom – IT’S WILLOW!!!!!!! AND WILLOW IS LOGAN’S SISTER!!!! I AM GOING TO BREAK MY EXCLAMATION POINT BUTTON!!!!

Sweeney: I’m sure all who participated in the, “WHAT DO YOU THINK DIVA SNOW WILL THINK OF HIS SISTER HMMM??” game are clapping delightedly right about now. Appropriate reaction is appropriate.

Diva: Glad I could live up to your expectations! Okay. Deep breaths. Logan’s sister, who skipped Lisa Rinna’s funeral, wants to know if Logan and the gang are still up to their old shenanigans like they were the last time she was in town. Logan freaks out when she starts to ask if he and Veronica are together, and gets pissed that she’s wearing their mom’s clothes. Willow is all, she was your mom, but she was only my stepmom, so IDGAF. I don’t think you’re really helping yourself with that argument, Willow. (L: Maybe this is evil Willow…) (D: Maybe! Hard to tell without the blacked-out pupils and scary veins.)

When Logan tells her she should have been there for their father, she asks why he’s worried about the man who gave him cigarette burns and broken noses. (Veronica looks over at them when she overhears this.) Logan asks Willow, “If you’re home, who will play Dead Hooker #2 on CSI this week?” A decidedly sick burn, but Willow’s comeback is even better: “Maybe I could be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.” TRUE THAT, GIRL. I AM STILL NOT OVER THAT. When Willow leaves, Logan bursts into tears and Veronica looks freaked out as all hell but holds him and lets him cry. (L: Awwww.)

Keith finally realizes he’s being followed by those creepy dudes we saw earlier. He makes a stop to get them out of the car, then breaks into their car to steal their valet ticket and ID. Keith calls someone and gives them a name to search – it’s a very Russian name.

Veronica brings the sheriff’s sketch artist to the flower shop so he can try and draw the description of Meg’s secret admirer from the guy hippie who works there. (L: Wooow. That sketch artist has nothing better to do?) (S: He was called in all special and shit. SURELY there are other real crime solving activities he could be doing.) Officer Leo uses the vet’s phone records to help her narrow it down, and Veronica calls Russian Lady to tell her the good news. She’s about to give her Tom’s address when Keith suddenly hangs up the phone for her. Keith shows Veronica a photo of the Russian lady, who goes by Katherine as Veronica’s client but also by another name, the one Keith searched earlier. Tom didn’t change his name to get away from her – he changed his name because he’s in the witness protection program, because he worked for the father of two Russian mafia guys (the guys who were following him, I think? Or maybe those were just lackeys). When Katherine calls back, Veronica gives her an address and Keith says he’ll handle the rest.

The two Russian mobster dudes enter a house, arms and ready to blow some shit up (namely Tom). But this isn’t Tom’s house – it’s the model home where DudeBro threw that party. And Tom isn’t there – Keith is, with Officer Leo and the rest of the squad as backup. They arrest the Russian mobsters and America wins the Cold War. At least, that was my take-away from it.

Veronica apologizes to Meg for not finding her secret admirer. Meg is like, actually, I think they’re either from DudeBro, who is lame, or Martin, who is also lame, so NBD. She convinces Veronica come to the dance with her, and their 80s costumes are positively tubular. Before they leave, Veronica gets a sketch of Meg’s secret admirer’s face, from the description the flower shop hippie gave the sketch artist. Meg doesn’t see it, but we do. Except I can’t actually identify who it is. Is it Martin? I don’t know. (S: IT’S SO UNCLEAR. The zoomy cameraman is all, “LOOK AT THIS!” and the audience is all, “Who the fuck is that?”) (D: Whew. I thought it was just me who couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on with that drawing.) But back at the dance, Veronica gives Megan back her flowers and tells her to go find her mystery man. And the mystery man turns out to be… Duncan!

Lor: There was a great moment at the beginning of this episode- Meg is the one who breaks V out of her flashback/day dream of Duncan, asking her to find her soul mate. OH, SHOW.

Diva: Veronica watches Meg and Duncan dance, then runs out and makes it into her car before she bursts into tears. She’s interrupted with a knock on her door from Officer Leo, who brings her flowers and takes her back inside to dance. Um, dude, aren’t you like 21? At 21, I already felt too old for college parties, let alone high school dances.

Enter drunk-ass Logan Echolls, who arrives dressed as Tom Cruise (of course) in Risky Business, which of course means no pants.

He’s riled up and won’t let Veronica take him home. Willow shows up because someone called her to retrieve her wasted baby brother, and even says she’ll let him puke in her car, just like old times. Awww, sibling bonding.

Veronica thanks Leo for showing up, and asks if he’s going to kiss her, which of course he does, despite my pleas. Then they call back the number that’s been hanging up on Veronica – it’s a pay phone, and the man who answers asks if she’s looking for “that blonde lady,” which is code for VERONICA’S MOM. I may have cracked up when she got the address, kissed Leo, and ran away and was gone before he had time to say, “What?!” But also I wish he could just not be a semi-adult dating a seventeen-year-old.

Veronica finds her mom at that address and tries to get her to leave. Her mom fights back and says she can’t be seen with Veronica because “they” will hurt V. Veronica tells her that she knows who’s been blackmailing them, and they’re safe now. Except maybe not as safe as she thinks, because Veronica then spots someone watching them. (S: Specifically, she spots the head of Kane security, Abel Koontz tip-caller and target-photo-taker.) (D: I didn’t catch that, so thank you!) Her mom says “Veronica” in voice-over, and the credits roll.

Lor: We talked some last episode about how weird it was that Veronica was defending Mr. Adam Scott. Her character has this weird duality about her, in which she’s street smart and savvy, but there is this, well, marshmallowy layer at her core. I think she really wanted to believe that her favorite teacher was innocent more than anything else. Here, we see her truly wanting to believe that Lisa Rinna was alive and that the e-mail order bride would find her “soul mate.” Although she gives both Meg and Email-Order sassy responses (telling Meg there are no soul mates and calling Email-Order a trophy wife) we see her believing ’till the end that she can bring people together. Nothing is ever as it seems, though, and even when Veronica finally finds her mother, reality once again smacks her in the face.

Poor V.

 

Next time: Veronica goes undercover at Neptune High’s rival school all while dealing with momma drama in Veronica Mars S01 E16 – Betty and Veronica.