Previously: Logan confirmed that Lisa Rinna is definitely dead when his sister WILLOW Trina returned to Neptune. Veronica finally tracked down her mom only to be followed by Clarence Wiedman, head of Kane Security.
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Betty and Veronica
Sweeney: Veronica has just returned from the end of the events of the last episode, and realizes that the only way Clarence Wiedman found her mom the same day she did – after nearly a year of searching – is if he had been spying on her. She tears her room apart and realizes that she kept a little panda pencil sharpener from The Wildlife Alliance in exchange for a donation she never made. I’d keep it too, Veronica, because pandas are adorable. (L: And if it’s free, it’s me.) (D: +1) Sure enough, she opens it up (by which I mean SHE BEHEADS IT! THE HORROR) and finds a bug. (D: Not an insect, because ew. Like a recording-device bug.) Thanks to this not-an-insect bug, Wiedman heard her book a flight to Barstow.
I always forget about this plot device but it drives me nuts that she flies to Barstow when we saw her drive to Arizona in a previous episode while trying to track down her mother. Neptune is meant to be just north of San Diego and you can drive from SD to Barstow in about two and a half hours. Everything about the logistics of this (we’re talking post 9/11 flights and a flight route that doesn’t currently seem to exist) bugs the crap out of me and it’s purely contrived in order to facilitate this Wiedman-bugged-Veronica-and-she-found-out plot. I like that plot but I hate how they got there because she definitely would have driven – with or without the “I had to change clothes!” thing. </end rant>
Democracy Diva: This is why I default to Sweeney on all things related to travel logistics.
Sweeney: I appreciate this fine honor.
Flashback to what happened in the interim between episodes: Veronica is trying to console her drunk mother as she makes quick eye contact with Wiedman who promptly leaves. Lianne Mars says that she’s missed her daughter so much but she shouldn’t be there – she’s trying so hard to protect her but she can’t. Veronica promises her mother that everything is going to be fine.
Diva: Particularly sad because Veronica is having to play the mom role and comfort Lianne when it really should be the other way around.
Sweeney: Back in her room, Veronica is about to angrily smash the bug, but she thinks better of it, deciding that this is information she can exploit.
Neptune High School for Actual Student Activities! Wallace is at basketball practice and Veronica is watching and it’s so cute! Good job being a good friend, Veronica! They walk through the halls together and we see that being an athlete has made Wallace pretty popular and while he sympathizes with her bad history with the school, he figures it might not be as bad as she thinks. Lies. High school kids are the worst.
Lorraine: And Wallace’s “I’m Good At Something so Now They Like Me” rags to riches story only emphasizes that truth for me.
Sweeney: Exactly. How quickly he seems to have forgotten that they became friends because this school is also a place where people took pictures of him taped to the flagpole naked.
More reason for V to hate Neptune: Vice Principal Clemmons calls her into his office.
In his office he reveals that the school mascot, a parrot named Polly, was missing when he got to school that morning. Veronica grumbles about how she definitely didn’t do it and how exhausting it’ll be to prove that. Clemmons corrects that he’s not accusing her; he called her in to ask for her help.
Diva: I did not yet realize that this was a real, live parrot, as opposed to a stuffed parrot or parrot statue or shrine of some kind. I could not understand A) why their mascot wouldn’t just be a pirate and B) why everyone was making such a fuss over a parrot costume. #badatTV
Sweeney: That’s delightful. MAYBE HE’S HIRED HER BECAUSE THE STUDENT IN THE MASCOT COSTUME WAS ALSO KIDNAPPED! Hiring a teenager to find another abducted teenager in lieu of contacting the police would be appropriate for the adults of Traumaland, but Clemmons is better than that. He’s a good one, that guy.
COME ON NOW, SUGAR!
Clemmons exposits that Neptune’s rivalry with Pan High is super intense. He wants this whole thing resolved quickly and discretely to prevent something serious from happening. (D: Because Clemmons has watched Degrassi and knows that school rivalries lead to JT GETTING STABBED TO DEATH.) (S: #NEVERFORGET. Except I totally did until you brought it up but now I’m super sad again, so.) They can’t afford to hire someone, but he’s noticed that Veronica has “certain…skills.” Veronica demands to be paid in a letter of recommendation, a personal parking space, and her own locker. Clemmons agrees to 2/3 – the parking space isn’t happening. Veronica tries again, asking for exemption from PE and a few excused absences. They haggle and he agrees to 2 excused absences. She definitely should have gone for a couple more, but that’s just me. They shake and he reminds her that this is a confidential matter.
Naturally, as soon as we see her next, Wallace is informed about the pet-napping from a teammate. Obvs he already knew from Veronica because the reason they are in the hallway is so that she can fill up her new locker – she chose the one next to him. It’s adorable and convenient for the writers. (L: I thought perhaps there was an added bonus of getting away from Duncan and Meg, but I may be making that up.) (D: In high school [and law school, for that matter], I couldn’t really reach the top lockers so I thought maybe petite Veronica was switching to a lower, more tiny-girl-accessible locker.) Wallace says this school is so much better than his old one in part because he just opens his locker and cookies appear in a fancy shoe box decked out in Neptune High colors and his name.
They run into Duncan and Meg in the hall. Duncan congratulates Wallace on a great game. Meg tries to compliment Veronica on her hair and she passive aggressively shrugs off the compliment. Meg takes the hint and stops holding Duncan’s hand. Awkward. V, I know Meg doesn’t know this, but since Duncan’s probably your brother you should chillax a bit with the jealousy. I mean, that pro-incest line is very Traumaland of you, but also very unbecoming. The happy couple runs off and so does Wallace, being beckoned by his teammates. He invites Veronica to join him at the cool jock table, but she’s gotta go shave her hands or something. Wallace looks hurt, but off he goes.
The actual stuff Veronica has to do is tackle this sweet new case. (I’m impressed that Clemmons gave her the locker before she finished the job. I understand that the absences needed to be part of the gig, but the locker is, in high school terms, a pretty solid down payment.) (L: He has faith in her, y’all! He’s been paying attention for the past 15 episodes.) We’re gearing up for another lesson in class politics, as Pan High is 15 miles directly inland. (Actual inland California – i.e., Barstow! – is an entirely different world than coastal California.) Basically, 15 miles inland marks the difference between the largely hoity-toity and a more generically middle class area. (D: Pan High’s town : Neptune :: Newport Beach : Chino, maybe? #crossovermagic)
Veronica walks in during lunch, wearing a very pink outfit, and gives the Cliff Notes version of Janice Ian’s lunchroom guide. Veronica, being adorable, is flagged down to join the jock table. She introduces herself as, after hesitating for a beat, Betty. She launches into an awkward backstory about being “Horny” – a rhino mascot at “Riverdale” high school. I love that she seized this opportunity to openly mock a job she finds stupid and pointless.
The Pan High kids all brag about how great they are and how hilarious it is that Neptune’s parrot got stolen. The less jocky smart guy at the table notes that their winning streak may well be about to change: “That Fennel kid is amazing.” Veronica slips character for a beat to be proud. They’re interrupted by the revelation that their mascot – a goat – has been stolen.
Sweeney: Here in flyover country, no, that was not a thing. In my head I attribute all outlandish high school things to being frivolous east-or-west coast behaviors, but this one seems extra weird.
We get a Veronica Voice Over [VVO] about the shift between hunting down absurd metaphors for school pride she doesn’t possess and hunting down the murder of a teenage girl. We get a quick shot of her at the Sheriff’s Department because Lamb is out of town and I guess everybody else loves her enough to give her free reign or something? IDK.
Barstow Flashback. Veronica mentions the dance and Lianne sad pandas about how life didn’t stop in her absence. (D: Sorry if you were looking for a pity party, Lianne, but I am fresh out of feels balloons for you.) Veronica says there really isn’t all this magical shit, implying that the sadness of being abandoned trumps all of that. Veronica demands to know why Lianne was so sure Jake was innocent, adding that she knows about their history. Lianne hesitates but confesses that they were together in a hotel room at The Neptune Grand the night Lilly was murdered.
Sheriff’s Department for Creepin’ on Minors. Deputy Leo jokes that he’s pretending the high school junior in the building was daydreaming about him. Veronica takes advantage of this inappropriate relationship to ask for a mega huge favor: she wants the interrogation tapes from Lilly’s investigation.
Mars Investigations. Papa Mars tells Veronica that there was a weird call for her about being overdrawn – weird because he thought she was saving for college. He asks if she’d tell him if there was a problem. She insists that she tells him everything before VVOing “maybe not everything.”
Barstowback! Lianne insists that the hotel time “wasn’t like that,” but Veronica’s not buying this. She insists that she’s owed some “real, actual answers,” at this point. Lianne reflects that a few days before Lily’s murder, she was cleaning V’s room and overheard a voicemail from Celeste telling Veronica that she had “important information” about Lianne and Jake. (L: Seriously? Celeste would leave a message like that where anyone could hear it? Dumb.) The reason Lianne met up with Jake – and it had to be “private” – was to tell him to make his wife back the fuck off.
Pan High. “Betty” arrives at lunch and overhears the basketball team’s nerdy manager arguing with the cool guy who invited her to sit at the table in the first place. Nerdy Manager apparently bet $200 on Neptune to win and he defends this choice by saying that this way he’ll be happy with either outcome of the game! I disagree – the outcome in which I lose $200 and the outcome in which I win $200 would each instill very different feelings in me. (L: Because forget some school pride. Money! Money! Money!) They helpfully tell “Betty” about Rest Stop 15 – the halfway point between Neptune and Pan where people go for illegal teenage business dealings. (D: Because in 2005, teenagers are still buying porn from the trunks of random dudes’ cars in rest stops instead of, you know, USING THE INTERNET? I call shenanigans.) This is the kind of thing V should have already known about.
We also learn that there is “no line” on the bet and that this is a good thing. I know nothing about gambling, so I’m grateful that this will be explained later. They’re interrupted by everyone cheering as a super nerdy (not just nerdy-for-the-jock-table-but-actually-cool like the team manager) kid arrives. Cool-Nerdy Manager explains that Uber Nerd is apparently the one who stole Polly. As they go to congratulate him, a big present is wheeled into the cafeteria, which is random as fuck. They open the box and find it full of goat meat. I think it’s more implied that Billy was butchered, but Cool Guy takes it super literally.
Diva: I was worried we would actually see charred goat bones because Game of Thrones has ruined me for life.
Sweeney: Later, Veronica sidles up to the Nerd King to ask about the parrot theft. He says he just rolled up into Neptune High like he was a student and nobody questioned him. “I can’t believe that worked,” V says. We also see her watching the combination as he opens his locker. She then asks if Nerd King would be willing to be the hot new girl’s tour guide at Rest Stop 15. I doubt Nerd King has ever been, but he obliges, as expected. Once he leaves, Veronica breaks into his locker and steals his phone. WHO DOESN’T KEEP THEIR CELL PHONE ON THEM? Anyway, she calls someone from his phone, saying she’ll be sending a picture soon. This person has already heard of Rest Stop 15, which shouldn’t surprise Veronica.
Diva: At first I assumed she was calling Wallace, but when her voice sounded a little bit flirty I was hoping it was Weevil. IS IT WEEVIL?
Sweeney: Segue Magic to Weevil (D: Yay!) shaking down Nerd King at Rest Stop 15. The poor kid cowers and caves pretty quickly, telling Weevil that he didn’t really take the parrot – he just took a picture with one from a pet store to win cool points. Weevil says that’s pretty pathetic, which it is. (L: But kind of smart?) He turns the kid loose and Veronica comes out. Weevil tells Veronica she’s getting cut off from favors after that because gang leaders with hearts of gold do more important Robin Hood-y shit. Veronica offers that she hates herself a little for it too. A kid from Pan High rolls up to place a bet on Neptune with Weevil. He says hi to “Betty,” and Weevil’s little, “LOL, Betty” look is priceless. He sends her away and she VVOs that she has more important shit to do.
That more important shit is actually just sitting on the Mars Investigations couch daydreaming. No judgment here, Veronica. When I worked for my mom I spent a lot of time playing Freecell (because the work computer was from 1999 and that was the best I could do in the way of games).
Lor: I would confess to things like that here as well but future employers may be reading. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FUTURE EMPLOYERS.
Diva: MOVE RIGHT ALONG. NOBODY HERE BUT US VERY PRODUCTIVE WORKERS.
Sweeney: Oh. Yeah. Right. THAT.
Bartstowback. Veronica is trying to get Lianne to tell her how she convinced Jake to back off. Lianne tries to dodge the question, insisting that she needs another beer. Finally, she cracks: “I told Jake that if Celeste tried to contact you again I’d have a paternity test done and take him for millions.” Veronica’s face crumbles. Lianne’s not sure what the outcome of that paternity test would be.
Professional Day Dreaming is interrupted by the arrival of Leo with a gift wrapped shoebox containing all the tapes. Leo says a “thank you” isn’t sufficient and goes for a date, which Veronica agrees to. She decides that while he’s there, she’ll pick his brain on her other case. She also doesn’t know lots of stuff about sports betting and so she asks why a bookie would take bets for a team, “no line, straight up,” if that team was favored to win. Leo says that wouldn’t happen – the bookie in that scenario would either make a killing or get killed. The only reason he’d risk it is if he knows something the people who are betting don’t know.
Diva: Thanks, Leo the Gambling Exposition Fairy! I almost understood this through all your mumbling.
Sweeney: At school the next day, Wallace quickly excuses himself from the lunch table after stealing half the food on the table. Veronica follows him and he tells her that she doesn’t want to know what she’s up to. “Ugh, how I hate to know things!” LOL. I love her. Wallace leads her to a shitty sticker-adorned van. He opens it up to reveal that it contains Billy the goat.
After a Not Break, he explains that he stole it on principle, after the parrot got stolen. It was actually his teammate’s idea, but he’s a better person so he got stuck with the care taking. It’s not going well.
Journalism Room. Duncan and Veronica joke about the absurd letters to the editor about the Polly kidnapping. A girl comes in with “a letter for the uninformed masses.” Duncan explained that she’s part of a student group opposed to animal cruelty. The did a Carrie-style blood dump on a prom queen a few years back for wearing fur. This show will (much) later, in my opinion, cross the line in its portrayals of fringe elements, but I give them credit for acknowledging that they exist everywhere.
Later, Veronica is in her kitchen baking while she listens to the interrogation tapes on her headphones. Aaah, high school! She listens as Jake dodges and takes offense to Keith’s questions about their night at The Neptune Grand. He says he’s just asking questions and they’re not even hard ones.
Diva: In Jake’s defense, they are a lot about sex. Not saying they’re not necessary questions, but nobody’s cozy being interrogating about sex in general, let alone by the guy whose wife he’s sleeping with.
Sweeney: A fair point.
Later, Wallace arrives, teasing her for being so distracted. He left his algebra book earlier. He nearly burns his hands/mouth snatching a freshly baked cookie. He’s taken aback when he realizes that they’re snickerdoodles and Veronica has been behind the mystery spirit boxes, since she thinks that stuff is stupid. She used to be on pep squad and, more importantly, he doesn’t.
Lor: And at least she’s listening to the interrogation tapes while baking. The show is going, “guys, look, we know she’s trying to solve a murder and be a friend. SHE CAN DO BOTH THINGS!” Indeed, show. Indeed.
Sweeney: Unfortunately, all the good friending is about to be interrupted by Veronica asking Wallace for “a weird favor without asking any questions.” Wallace says its the bedrock on which their friendship was founded. (D: We’ve noticed. That’s why the baking was necessary.) That favor is for him to leave a potted plant on Wiedman’s assistant’s desk when he picks up his mom from Kane Software. It’s supposed to be from “her secret admirer.”
Lor: That’s actually a truly risky favor. Needs way more than cookies.
Sweeney: Veronica gets ready for her date as she listens to Keith interrogating Celeste. She gives the same oddly specific time interval – two-and-a-half hours. Where Jake had said they do this often, Celeste said it was a special occasion. Jake mentioned TV for background noise, but Celeste said they weren’t watching TV. Nothing solidly incriminating but inconsistent enough to raise seem serious red flags. It’s baffling to me that these two very intelligent people would never have thought to have a quick pow-wow about this before going in.
Diva: I just fired their lawyer in my head.
Sweeney: Later that night, Veronica and Leo make a dessert stop at a different restaurant than the one where they ate dinner. It gets suuuper awkward when they run into Meg out to dinner with Duncan and his parents. She tells Veronica she looks gorgeous and goes in for a hug and they all stand around awkwardly for a bit. He asks if Veronica wants to stay, but she swears it’s fine.
Barstowback. Lianne is outside smoking and recapping the actual hotel room events. While they were talking, Celeste burst in yelling. Lianne skipped out and stopped in the lobby to use the restroom. On her way out, she saw Celeste storming out of the lobby – meaning she wasn’t there for more than 20 minutes. Veronica wonders if maybe the creepy photos weren’t just about the paternity issue but also potentially an alibi issue.
Neptune High School for Questionable Following of Child Labor Laws. Veronica moves her Polly the Parrot investigation to the Students Against Animal Cruelty kids. She tries to pretend to be one of them, but she’s wearing a faux-fur vest and leather boots, so that doesn’t fly. The girl who wrote the letter tries to insist that the parrot is better off not in a cage, to which Veronica points out that having been domesticated, it’s probably pretty used to having food provided for it. Veronica has to stop two of the weirder members of the group from trying to chop the fake fur off of her vest.
Their conversation is cut off when they announcements get hijacked. Someone in a black ski mask – but who is clearly in the Neptune HS gym – says that if Wallace doesn’t opt out of their next game, Polly the Parrot will be killed.
Diva: LEAVE THE ANIMALS OUT OF THIS. I’m not about to cut off anyone’s fake fur, but come on. This is just making me sad.
Sweeney: Animal deaths are the worst. THEY’RE INNOCENTS, YOU GUYS!
After a Not Break, Veronica finds Weevil at lunch and accuses him of kidnapping the parrot, assuming that this is the big secret that the bookie knows – the reason he’s taking even money bets on the game. “You know – I always knew you had a thing for me, but I never thought you wanted me for my brain.” Weevil says he’s not that smart and he does, in fact, have both sides of the line covered. He goes on to note that he never would have tried to help her find it if stealing it was his secret plan.
(I just realized that on yesterday’s Orphan Black post I was actually thinking of this recap when I mentioned my doling-out-too-many-hugs problem. I can’t keep them straight anymore, you guys.)
Back in the journalism room, Veronica asks Meg how the interruption happened. She says it was prerecorded, so presumably the footage was intercut before the broadcast aired. As Veronica is processing this, Meg calls her on her shit: “Wow. We actually kind of just had a conversation.” She says Veronica now just takes a deep breath like she’s preparing for battle and she really wants things to be OK between them. Veronica starts to run off saying that things are OK, but they run in different circles. When Meg tries to say it doesn’t have to be like that, Veronica gets explicit about something we’ve seen all throughout the episode: “It does. I’m not programmed to forgive and forget. I can’t just start chumming around with people who have ignored and mocked me for a year. That’s just not me.” Veronica half-heartedly agrees to Meg’s proposition that they have their own circle without them. You get a hug too, Meg.
A bit later, that “circle” consists of “Meg helping Veronica with her case.” (L: WELP. This is what being her friend mostly is. Expect cookies though!) (D: And constant requests for “favors”!) They watch the footage super slowly and frame by frame. Eventually Veronica notices something on the shoe: a number 13. They smile and Veronica says she needs a basketball program.
Clemmons merely watches as she walks across the hallway to greet Wallace and the Neptune team. She tells Wallace that he gets to play, as Polly has been found. We see his friend Jack’s face fall. #13. Veronica gives the Scooby Doo explanation: if Wallace sits out, he gets to play and in his role as point guard, he can control the score of the game, making it easy for him to throw, thus securing a big, big win. It seems he did this last year too. Jack defensively accuses her of breaking into his room – she relied on her pep squad days again, saying she was a cheerleader. (Did she borrow Meg’s uniform again?) Clemmons escorts Jack to his office, and the team runs in all hyped up and cheering.
Veronica hesitates. It looks like she’s about to leave and the VVO reminds us of her hatred of all things Neptune, but she remembers that this is Wallace’s shining moment and does that right thing by going inside to cheer on her friend.
Later on, Veronica is at home, reflecting on all the money she’s saved up. We get a Barstowback of her checking her mom into 12 weeks in rehab and writing a check for $50,000. She cries a bit, but wipes the tears and puts her game face on. (L: My heart hurts for her.) (D: V, we will pay off our student loans in perpetuity together, okay, honey?)(S: Cosigned, me. <3)
She calls her dad into room. She says she needs an honest answer to a question, begging him not to get mad or blow her off. He agrees, without even bracing himself like it’s going to be a tough one for him. “Why would a man agree to confessing to a murder he didn’t commit.” Keith hesitates, but guesses the answer is a whole lot of money, ultimately to be left to someone else that you care about that will be around. Keith looks really sad that this is what Veronica spends her time thinking about. He leaves.
Veronica then speaks into her panda pencil sharpener that she’s got a theory. Then she listens in to hear what’s happening with her special rubber tree plant. (Anyone knows an ANT. CAN’T. move a rubber tree plant! BUT HE’S GOT HIGH HOPES!) (D: LOLOL. 1430 for you, Sweeney.) (S: True life: I gotto sing a solo in that song at my 5th grade graduation. All video evidence of this has been removed from my home.) Clarence Wiedman tells his assistant to get Amelia DeLongpre. She googles this name with Abel Koontz. There is conveniently just one article linking the two – an obituary for his mother, which reveals Amelia to be his daughter. DUN DUN DUN.
Next time: Veronica finds the mysterious Amelia, but things remain complicated as ever for our girl in Veronica Mars S01 E17 – Kanes and Abel’s.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
