Previously: A skeevy photographer demon was making old people.
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Thank You for Not Morphing
Lorraine: The Halliwell sisters bicker lightly as they leave the Manor. Prue doesn’t want to go to some housewarming party, Phoebe definitely does, and Piper tries to distract her sisters with tales of bad hair day.
A dog with weird, glowy eyes watches the sisters as they cross the street to the party. The girls find their new neighbors, siblings Marshall, Fritz and Cynda. Once small talk is done, Prue wants to leave, but Phoebe directs her attention to where Andy is standing nearby. They’ve set her up. Phoebe and Piper shuffle off as Andy comes over to ask Prue out again. He’s rejected. Again.
Leaving Andy and her sisters behind, Prue heads back over to her house and finds the front door open. Inside, the Glowy Eye Dog is waiting, on the stairs. He starts barking at Prue, who backs away slowly. Once she reaches the door, she turns and runs out. The Glowy Eye Dog keeps barking, but doesn’t give chase.
I AM THE SAAAAHN.
After the credits, Prue is at once telling her sisters about the big dog (who left some scratches on the attic door) and blaming Phoebe for leaving their front door unlocked. The argument ends when Phoebe jokingly locks Prue inside the pantry. Apparently, Phoebe wants to die. She knows her powers are useless and Prue will punch her.
Suspicious Auction House. Prue is at her desk when a man with some big, salt-and-pepper hair interrupts her. I don’t like him already. That hair is full of secrets. He wants his ring appraised, but doesn’t want to leave it with the appraiser. Prue identifies it as 17th century and the stones as chrysolite, believed by Egyptians to protect the bearer against spells and evil spirits. Realization dawns on her as she asks the man where he got the ring from. “I think you know, Prudence.” And then I’m surprised Prue doesn’t send this man flying into the next city, because she just levels some grade A bitch face at him. Have I mentioned that I love her bitch face?
Prue tells him to GTFO and he mildly mentions where he’s staying and invites the 3Ps to dinner the next night. Prue tells him to leave again and he asks if that’s anyway to talk to her dad, for this is indeed Papa Victor.
Later, the 3Ps sit at an outdoor cafe and Prue fills them in. Prue thinks it’s a little suspicious that after 20 years, Papa Victor shows up when they acquire their powers. Piper says the suspicion is valid, but also Prue is the only one old enough to remember Papa Victor, and she and Phoebe just want to get to know him. Prue sticks to her guns, though, and says he can’t be trusted. Piper and Phoebe sigh the sigh of Daddy Issues.
Because apparently 76% of all the trouble they get into will be because of her, Phoebe goes to visit her Papa anyway. She catches him in the middle of a massage, and it’s awkward not only because he’s naked, but because he can’t remember her name. Seriously, dude? It’s only three of them. Phoebe gets a premonition of Papa Victor stroking the Book of Shadows, smiling maliciously. She leaves quickly.
A happy mailman approaches the Halliwell Manor. The camera pans down as he stands in front of the door and we see his finger morph into a key. Inside, he heads straight for the attic and kicks the door down. He grabs the Book of Shadows and runs back downstairs, but when he tries to cross the threshold, the Book flies back into the house.
Prue is just arriving home, so the Morphing Mailman throws the Book into the parlor and morphs into Andy. Prue is surprised to see him there but Mailman!Andy pretends that he found the front door open. Prue sees the Book of Shadows and telekinesises it under a book shelf. Then, Prue is all, “by the way, I changed my mind. We can go out tomorrow.” She’s avoiding her dad at all costs.
Cynda knocks on the door, peeks her head it, waves and leaves. For some reason, Prue doesn’t question this…? Mailman!Andy says he should go. Once she’s alone, Prue retrieves the Book of Shadows, and heads up to return it to its mystical pedestal. She sees the kicked in door and gives a, “what the hell?”
The 3Ps are gathered in the kitchen. Prue is searching through a phone book (LOL) as she says it’s crazy how their Negligent Father shows up and there are two break ins at their house. Piper reminds her (and us!) that the craft is “a chick thing,” and powers are passed to the females. Their Papa probably doesn’t even know they are Charmed. Prue doesn’t buy it. Phoebe asks why if Papa was after the book, he hadn’t just taken it.
…
…
Didn’t Phoebe have that premonition of her Negligent Father holding the Book of Shadows, smiling like a big, fat villain? Right.
Prue’s solution is to either hide the book or stay home to protect it. Piper votes for hiding it because she intends on going to dinner with Papa Victor. Phoebe too. Prue shrugs at them.
Daddy Issues Dinner. Papa Victor keeps deflecting the conversation by remembering crap from when the girls were babies. Phoebe giggles a lot. Alyssa Milano smiles with a lot of teeth and very little lips. It’s really weird.
Manor. Prue is heating up dinner when the doorbell rings. It’s Andy who makes up a lame excuse about why he’s there. Prue lets him in anyway. She tells him about Papa Victor, and how she just wants some answers from him. Andy basically tells her to use her words, and offers to drop her off at the restaurant.
Cut to Prue stalking into the restaurant. She jumps right into the questioning, even though her sisters try to calm her down. Papa Victor tries to head down memory lane with Prue too, but this tactic doesn’t work on her because she vividly remembers him abandoning them. Papa Victor decides the best way to deal with this is to trip a passing waiter carrying a flambe. Piper freezes time, but then isn’t sure what to do. She grabs the dessert and unfreezes time.
Papa Victor compliments Piper’s “nice reflexes” and nonchalantly asks if he has it all straight: Piper can freeze time, Prue can move objects and Phoebe has premonitions. They all gape at him as he suggests having this conversation in private.
Halliwell Manor. Piper and Phoebe are lounging around when the Morphing Mailman enters. Turns out these are the Morphing Siblings. Cynda and Marshall had a plan to try and fool Prue into taking the Book out of the house. Prue left, though, and is now coming back with her sisters. Fritz wonders what they’ll do now, and Cynda morphs into her demon self, which can only be described as a Rejected 90’s Hair Band Member. With fangs. She wants to kill the 3Ps. Marshall says no, and when the sisters walk in with Papa Victor in tow, all they find are three crows.
Phoebe, Piper and Papa Victor are laughing over a picture. Prue doesn’t want to laugh. Phoebe brings up their recently acquired powers and talks freely about how strange it is that one day she just read a thing from a book and BAM! She’s a witch. Piper is doing her thing, where she’s trying to direct the conversation elsewhere, and Prue is cutting people with her eyes, but Phoebe will not shut up about the Book. Victor knows the Book of Shadows. Hasn’t seen it in years. He asks if maybe he could see it now.
Across the street, Cynda is throwing a tantrum and Marshall exposits that once they have the Book of Shadows, it will weaken the Halliwells. They’ve tried everything to retrieve it, but at least they still have their secret weapon… PAPA VICTOR. DUN DUN no, not really.
Manor. Prue demands that for once in Papa Victor’s life, he be honest with the 3Ps. He admits that he is after the Book of Shadows, but claims only to be looking out for them. The Book attracts evil, and he never wanted the life of witchcraft for them and fought their grandmother about it. At that, Piper finally speaks up, asking if he’s really blaming the woman who raised them for his absenteeism. Victor grabs at his last straw, asking if Phoebe believes him. She looks away from him. He says that they will die if they don’t listen to him. Prue replies that no one can hurt them as much as he already did. And then one of her squinty death glares finally does send him flying. Papa Victor hits a wall. He stands up, brushes himself off, and says if she wanted him to leave, she should’ve just asked.
Phoebe and Piper can’t believe Prue just telekinesised their dad.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe confesses that she went to go see Papa Victor alone and had that premonition of him stealing the Book of Shadows. But she’s kind of an idiot and “didn’t want to believe it.” Prue hugs her. When they are leaving the dining room, Piper spots Victor’s ring on the floor because apparently it flew off his finger mid-telekinesis trip…?
Phoebe heads out to grab the morning paper and the Morphing Siblings are sitting outside of their house. Papa Victor sneaks up on her and begs her to bring him the Book. He grabs her and she gets another premonition. It starts the same way, with Victor grabbing the Book, but as he walks about, he morphs into Fritz. The Morphing Siblings come over to see if Phoebe needs any help, as she’s obviously in distress. She says she’s fine and runs back into the house. She tries to explain about the Morphing Siblings to her sisters, but Cynda is already inside and she can’t speak freely. She excuses herself and runs up to the attic.
Up there, she finds where they’ve brilliantly hidden the Book of Shadows, in a wardrobe ten feet away from where it originally was. She yells that she doesn’t even know what she’s looking for, and the pages move on their own accord, exactly to the vanquishing spell she needs. She memorizes it quickly.
Downstairs, she finds Papa Victor and Cynda, Fritz, Marshall looking like Victor. The girls are confused because this particular vanquishing spell will kill everyone in the house. Handy. Real Victor tells them to just do it, but thankfully the girls remember the protection ring. In the most awkward 30 seconds of TV, with bad voice dubbing to boot, Piper says, “the protection ring!” Prue telekinesises it over, Victor put it on and the girls start the vanquishing spell.
When in the circle that is home
Safety’s gone and evils roam,
Rid all beings from these walls.
Save sisters three — now heed our call.
A circular home, you say?
Cynda becomes a 90’s Hair Band member again and then the Morphing Siblings bubble and melt away.
Nothing brings families together like a little death! Papa Victor says he realizes his girls aren’t little girls anymore and don’t need his protection. Prue smiles because I guess we can all forget the part where he abandoned them now!
We cut to later. Prue is cancelling her date with Andy, ’cause she’s going out with her dad. Phoebe calls her out on saying, ‘dad’ and she confirms. That’s what he is, no matter if he is kind of scumbag and his hair is sort of large.
The doorbell rings and it’s the handyman Leo:
Leo gives them an envelope he found on the steps. Phoebe falls all over herself to show Leo to the attic but Prue calls her back to the parlor. The envelope is from Papa Victor. He isn’t coming to dinner. He included a cassette tape of his last Christmas with the girls. Like an asshole.
The girls watch the video sadly. I wonder if anyone showed Leo the way to the attic. I’m sure he found his way or maybe he’s still waiting by the bottom stair.
Next time: Piper kind of falls for a ghost in Charmed S01 E04 – Dead Man Dating.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
