Charmed S01 E04 – Amazingly simple

Previously: The Halliwell’s father showed up and it surprised no one when he turned out to be negligent.
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Dead Man Dating

Lorraine: Andy tells Prue that he was nowhere in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. Prue appreciates his honesty. I still think that on the scale of trying too hard, he’s landing on the side of “weird.” He’s got an early birthday gift for her and it comes in a Tiffany blue box but is in no way related to jewelery. What Prue gets is a key to a room at the Calistoga Spa and they leave in a week. I’m not sure what kind of hotel is in the habit of giving physical keys a week before check-in but OKAY. Maybe the key is a more symbolic.

Prue is hesitant so Andy clarifies that he got them adjoining rooms, because he respects her wish to take it slow. He asks her to think about it, gives her a kiss and leaves. “Happy birthday to me,” she says in a tone I can’t quite figure out because acting is hard.

We Segue Magic to John Cho helpfully holding a Happy Birthday balloon. His superstitious mother wants Birthday Boy Mark to wear a protective amulet. Mark passes on that saying can clearly take care of himself. He kisses his mom goodbye and she smiles so happily after him, and he walks so happily along as people call out to him in greeting, that you just know he’s dead.

And just so. Mark is cornered in an alley by a bunch of suitably ethnic hoodlums. The Lead Hoodlum asks Mark if it’s his birthday, but doesn’t wait for a response before killing him good and dead. Mark’s soul climbs out of his dead body and then watches Lead Hoodlum slip a ring onto Corpse!Mark’s finger. The hoodlums light the corpse on fire. Murdered Mark screams as he watches. Remember that next time you think your birthday sucks.

I AM THE SAHN.

Piper opens a drawer in the kitchen to find some not-at-all hidden surprise birthday invitations. She gets them out and starts assembling them when Phoebe enters and tells her to put them away because Prue is on her way down. Piper snaps at her for not sending the invitations in the first place, but Phoebe says she at least bought Prue a gift. Piper asks how she’ll pay for it. Phoebe doesn’t get to answer because Prue stomps in. She tells them about her symbolic key to a spa. Piper freaks because the trip is supposed to be the same weekend as the surprise party. Piper and Phoebe both give weird, dramatic reasons as to why Prue shouldn’t leave for the weekend, of course leading her to guess that they are throwing her a surprise party. They are all, “US? NEVER!” and Prue says that’s good because she hates surprises. Not a shocker.

Once Prue leaves, Phoebe thinks it’s a lucky thing she was irresponsible with the invites, or else they would’ve thrown one unappreciated party. That happened to me once. The birthday girl walked in, we all yelled, “SURPRISE!” and she looked at us in silence for a little bit and then said, “I have to pee.” The evening did not get better. #truestory

Anyway, Phoebe leaves because she has a job interview. We cut to a hotel, where the interviewer explains to Phoebe that this hotel’s trademark is a psychic at the bar. Interviewer wants to know what Phoebe’s shtick is, and she loses him when she’s all, “no, no. I really see the future. Sometimes.” Phoebe grabs his arm as he tries to walk away and, though we don’t see it, apparently gets a vision of Interviewer having dinner with a blonde and his ginger wife catching him. Interviewer is impressed and hires Phoebe.

Prue chat on the phone. Prue is still waffling about going to the spa and Piper says she should go… on Saturday. See, Phoebe has done an unselfish thing (!) and bought Prue a gift and wants to give it to her on Friday. Prue seems to buy this. Meanwhile, Piper discovers a newspaper with a PSYCHICS WANTED classified circled.

Cut to Phoebe telling a woman her future consists of attending a Weight Watcher’s meeting. She gained weight. This woman is not pleased. As she leaves, Piper arrives and is equally not pleased.

   

Piper reminds the Amazing Phoebe that (1) – they are supposed to be hiding their powers and (2) – they can’t use their powers for personal gain. The amazingly simple Phoebe says she was hired as a psychic not a witch and that she’s using her powers for Prue’s gain which is not the same. Besides, Phoebe says the hotel is the last place anyone would come looking for a real psychic. Murdered Mark appears and asks which one of them is a psychic. The sisters answer at the same time, and Mark’s excited because they can actually see him. Phoebe gets back to work, Piper leaves in a huff and Mark follows after her.

Outside, hijinks of the, “no one can see you but me!” variety ensue. Piper won’t listen to Mark’s story of murder, but then a biker rides straight through his incorporeal body. That sells her on the truth.

Qua     ke. Prue is looking for Andy, so she can accept his symbolic key to the spa. Unfortunately, Andy is having lunch with his ex-wife, and Prue didn’t even know he had an ex-wife, so she’s pissed and makes a dessert cart crash in front of him.

Chinatown. Mark leads Piper to the alley where he got murdered, which is a rude thing to do in the middle of the night. He’s pressed for time, though, as they need to get to his body before Yama, hell’s gatekeeper, captures his soul. Piper freaks out when she sees Mark’s barbecued remains. And of course Yama decides now would be a nifty time to come soul collecting. In her panic, Piper freezes time and those two hightail it. Also, the way Holly Marie Combs throws up her hands to magic is super cute. It’s a consistent mannerism from her, much better than Shannon’s squinty glare.

Also, Yama reminds me a little of the thing in I Robot… You Jane and a little of the villain in Felix the Cat the movie.

 

Halliwell Manor. Prue tells her sisters to call off the not-a-surprise party because she had a crap day. Yeah, tell it to the murdered guy with Yama on his ass. And she can actually tell him, because Mark is there. Piper explains that he’s a ghost in need of their help and tosses a coffee mug through his body to demonstrate. We hear it break, which is oddly wasteful and also someone is going to have to clean that up.

Piper tells her sisters she already called the police. Apparently, the rest of her plan is to tell Mark’s grieving mother to hurry up the burial process because of reasons. GOOD LUCK, PIPER. Phoebe gets a call from her boss and leaves.

Amazingly Simple Hotel. Phoebe’s boss wants her to give some important customer a reading in the hopes that he’ll extend his stay. That’s really dumb, but also inconsequential because we’re only here so that Phoebe can see a man leave his wallet at the bar. She calls after him, grabs the wallet and gets thrown into a vision of that Walletless Man being hit by a car.

Nighttime at Halliwell Manor. Murdered Mark is having some feels about not being able to turn on the TV. That is rough. I’m sorry. Piper shows up with some blankets, unsure if ghosts sleep. Mark tells her he doesn’t feel cold anymore, but appreciates the thought. He mourns for some things he’s lost, especially his mother, who took care of him and taught him how to cook. Piper shares that she’s a chef and they flirt and giggle about Peking duck. It’d be cute if he were, you know, alive and stuff.

Amazingly Simple Hotel. Phoebe finds the Walletless Man and asks if he got her note. He did and he isn’t happy about a mysterious note warning him not to go outside. His wife also happens to be the Weight Watchers Lady. Rough. Phoebe keeps digging herself in deeper as she rambles on about him dying and Walletless Man tells her to leave them alone or he’ll call security.

Bucklands. Andy’s waiting in Prue’s office to apologize. He says he was totally going to tell her about the ex. He doesn’t think having an ex-wife who doesn’t hate him is a horrible thing and doesn’t get why Prue is trying to make this into something it isn’t. She doesn’t say anything, leading Andy to believe that she’s keeping a secret of her own. She is, which makes the whole self-righteous, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME??” thing pretty cool.

Supersticious Mommy’s House. Mark prompts Piper so she can talk to Mommy in Chinese. Mommy asks Piper if she’s seen Mark, making it clear that the police haven’t informed her about the murder. Awkward. Piper can’t bring herself to tell her the truth. Mark tries to follow his mom back into the house, but can’t, because Superstitious Mommy has protected it against ghosts.

Halliwell Manor. Prue doesn’t want to talk about her man trouble and Phoebe doesn’t want to talk about her premonition. Prue looks at her like she’s gonna punch her in the face so without much pause, she spills the beans about her premonition and about the fact that she’s working as a lounge psychic. Prue thinks it’s great that Phoebe gets to do something wonderful for the Walletless man. Plus, she gets a birthday gift out of it too.

Piper and Mark storm into the kitchen and turn on the TV to the news coverage about Mark’s dead body. Unfortunately, they’ve misidentified the body as belonging to Tony Wong, the Lead Hoodlum who did the murdering. Phoebe gets a vision of Wong, lovingly loading some bullets into a gun. She sees a sign in her vision and recreates the characters for Mark. It reads Wu Han Imports.

We cut there. Piper is walking into the warehouse alone with a ghost. Murdered Mark is trying to tell her what a bad idea this is. He spots an anti-ghost amulet on the door and says he can’t go in. Piper grabs the amulet and throws it. Hahahaha. Being corporeal is awesome.

Piper runs into the room and freezes everyone. She grabs a newspaper with the headline, “Tony Wong Found Dead,” and positions it in Tony Wong’s hands. She snaps a picture and just as she does, everything unfreezes. No word on why she doesn’t just freeze everything again. Instead she runs out, climbs into her Jeep and drives away. Wong and the Hoodlums give chase, but can’t do any better than jotting down her license plate number.

Outside of the police station, Piper explains to Murdered Mark that she left the picture evidence for Andy in his interoffice mail. Unfortunately for her, Andy is also out in the parking lot and sees her talking to herself. Andy jokes with her about it and then asks what she’s doing at the station. Piper stutters all over herself, so Andy assumes it has something to do with Prue. He asks for advice on that front, and Piper tells him to just give Prue space to work it out. Andy thanks her for that non-help and hugs her. Aw. Maybe I’m ready to like Andy a little.

Mark says Piper is really sweet and tells her he wants to take her somewhere. She opens the car door for him, but no word on why, since he could just walk into the car.

Amazingly Simple Hotel. Phoebe is waiting in the lobby to warn Walletless Man again but he runs away from her and heads straight outside. He drops his briefcase in the middle of the road, like in the vision, but Phoebe is there to push him out of the way of the oncoming car. She stands and sasses that her services are $20, tip not included. That was dumb.

Chinatown. Mark’s brought Piper to his house so he can mope and flirt with her some more. He gifts Piper with some old family recipes and asks her to use it for Prue’s unwanted surprise party. Mark is vetoing Prue’s desire, because he died on his birthday so everyone else should STFU and celebrate their damn birthday. Something like that.

Halliwell Manor. Prue is watching TV when Phoebe comes in to tell her how awesome it was for her when she saved some other guy’s life. Phoebe then asks what Prue is going to do about Andy. Prue isn’t sure because, you know, she’s keeping major secrets from him. Phoebe encourages Prue to go talk to him.

Piper returns home and Mark’s getting emotional about how he doesn’t want the night to end. Piper wants to caress his face, but can’t. And then she leans in for a kiss she can’t have. It’s all suuuper awkward.

   

It gets hilarious again when Wong busts in the house, grabs Piper and runs away. Mark yells for help and Prue and Phoebe run down, asking where Wong went with Piper. No one mentions how he literally exited the door five seconds ago, so they could just peak outside. Instead they say they are going to search for Piper until they find her, even if it takes all night.

They shouldn’t have to look that hard because Wong took Piper back to the warehouse. She’s tied up and we see Wong lovingly loading that gun, like we did in Phoebe’s vision. He threatens Piper.

At the station, Andy finally gets that envelop of evidence from Piper.

Prue and Phoebe arrive at the warehouse and Prue gets to squinting at and throwing Hoodlums around. Wong takes a shot at the girls, but Piper manages to free her hands in time to freeze time and the bullet. When time unfreezes, Prue sends Wong tumbling down the stairs. He runs outside, only to find he’s surrounded by police. Wong points his gun at Andy, but Andy shoots him first.

 

Wong’s soul climbs out of his body and runs right into the Halliwells and Mark. Yama appears. Mark pushes Wong into Yama’s spear, but that’s not enough to satisfy Yama. Piper tells Yama that he can’t have Mark, who is a good man. Yama gives Cheap Special Effects Glowy Eyes for like ten whole seconds and then decides, “ah, fuck it.” and disappears. That was easy.

Mark’s Funeral. The Halliwell sisters are all weepy, especially Piper as Mark tells her he’s going to miss her. Mark’s Ghost Dad, not to be be confused with Ghost Brotha, shows up to walk Mark into the afterlife. Piper jokes about falling for a dead guy, and Phoebe says it’s an improvement of the pilot’s warlock debacle. And yet, I suspect we will encounter worse.

Halliwell Manor. Prue says she’s changed her mind and thinks they should have a party. Good thing! There is a party waiting for her in the living room. Andy is there and Prue smiles at him as the Soundtrack of Forgiveness and Lessons Learned takes us to the end credits.

 

Next time: Someone tries to murder Prue in her dreams in Charmed S01 E05 – Dream Sorcerer.