Charmed S01 E06 – Bridezilla

Previously: Prue got harassed in her dreams when all she had to do was blink real hard to save the day.
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The Wedding From Hell

Lorraine: A young woman (Allison) walks through a garden having lots of feelings. We know this because she touches a rose and sighs. She’s met by a man (Elliot) who hands her a white rose. She says they’ve spent lots of time planning their wedding and she doesn’t want anything to go wrong.

Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn’t answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her. She looks back and a blonde woman is staring at them. Mommy Uptight leaves the couple and meets the woman, who is wearing a hideously patterned blazer. She must be evil.

Mommy Uptight asks what Evil Jacket [EJ] is doing there. EJ asks if she forgot about the pact. Unfortunately, Uptight has not. Evil Jacket (Jade), who hasn’t aged a day in 20 years, says Mommy Uptight could’ve chosen eternal youth too, but instead whatever bargain she made was for money, power and stiff jackets. I made up that last thing. Another woman walks up with Evil Jacket Jade’s stuff. Mommy Uptight is upset by Jade’s plan to move in. She wonders what she’ll tell suspicious people and Jade suggests saying her son had a change of heart. Elliot won’t even know what happened until it’s all over.

Jade stretches her arm toward the still canoodling couple and gives a flick of her hand. Elliot collapses to the ground and Allison gives a soap opera scream which fades out as we head over to the Halliwell Manor one week later.

Piper is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test while Prue tries to rush her out. Piper shoos her off to the downstairs bathroom, only to have Phoebe show up and resume the knocking. Piper sighs and throws away the pregnancy test box, so I really hope this wasn’t a secret or anything.

  Phoebe goes into the bathroom and immediately sees the pregnancy test box because THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. She picks it up and gets a vision: someone delivering a demon baby. Phoebe is freaked.

I AM THE SAHN.

After our prolonged montage of San Francisco things, we’re back at Halliwell Manor where Piper is cooking. Prue is still grousing about bathroom time and morning schedules (because she’s the roommate who would suggest a schedule and label her food in the fridge for sure) when Piper gets a disturbing call. Seems that Chef Moore agreed to cater a wedding before he disappeared and since the contract is technically with Qua   ke, that means that Piper is on the hook for it. I’m unclear if a.) she’s just finding this out or  b.) she’s been working on it hence all the food she’s made and this is just more badly placed exposition.

Phoebe comes in and assumes the problem Prue and Piper are talking about is the demon spawn one. When Prue leaves, Phoebe asks if they were really just talking about a wedding and not, say, that one time Piper was sleeping with a warlock. Piper quickly shuts that conversation down and sends Phoebe off to run errands. Since she already had a list of supplies she needs for the wedding, I think our answer is b.) bad exposition.

Piper drives over to the fancy estate and as she’s waiting at the gate, a priest runs up to the car and says he needs to be let in too. Two security guards come and grab the priest, so he shouts a warning at Piper about someone carrying a demon child. “Beware Hecate!”

Buckland Auction House. Prue is with the Snooty Assisstant, looking at a fertility god. HMMM GUYS. COULD THERE POSSIBLY SOME SORT OF THEME THEY ARE CONCEIVING HERE? Sir Buckland himself comes in to tell Prue that her sister is waiting in her office. Prue asks which one and he replies, “the one who upon seeing your office said, “damn, I should go back to college.” Heh. Before heading off, Prue tells Sir Buckland that the fertility icon has been cataloged. Buckland tells her it’s no longer available for auction.

After Prue leaves, Buckland tells Snooty Assistant that she was careless. The Single Note of Doom starts playing as Buckland tells her that she should know who they acquired the statue for. Snooty shrugs it off and tells him not to worry since Prue won’t be at the wedding.

Prue gives Phoebe five minutes to spill whatever news she came with. Phoebe says she had a vision and in it a thing was being born, so she started to think back 6, 8 weeks. Prue jumps the gun and assumes Phoebe is pregnant. Phoebs gets defensive and reminds Prue that she does have another sister who is sexually active and was last sexually active with a warlock. She tells Prue to believe her power. No mention that we didn’t actually see anyone’s face in this vision though.

Allison is outside. Mommy Uptight stomps over and tells her to stop calling. Allison says she isn’t leaving until she gets some answers, especially since she called the police (LOL) and they won’t believe her. Allison doesn’t buy that Elliot doesn’t love her anymore. If he’s going to marry someone else, Allison wants to hear it from him. Mommy Uptight says no way as Allison begins to cry. Elliot is going to marry Jade D’Mon.

YOU GUYS. THEY NAMED HER D’MON AND I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING. I thought giving her that hideous jacket was obvious.

Piper is stressing, as she does at least once per episode. Phoebe arrives and Piper shouts to someone off screen, “I’ve got buns in the oven.” In case you forgot about that pregnancy thing. Phoebe admits that she went to go visit Prue, but doesn’t get to explain why because a butler-y type announces that Mommy Uptight and D’mon will see her. Piper is all, “D’MON??” and for a second I thought maybe she would find that incredibly suspicious but no. She just thought the bride’s name was Allison.

Jade is trying on her dress and Uptight is there to compliment her, so I guess she’s really come around to letting her son marry a D’mon. Piper and Phoebe enter, and Piper tries to casually mention that Chef Moore left to France. There’s some freakage, and Phoebe jumps in to assure them that Piper is the best chef in the city. Jade says that if there are any problems, she’ll have Piper’s head. Phoebe glares at her (Prue would be proud!) and Jade claims to be joking.

Outside, the security guards have lost Father Cryptic Warnings. When the coast is clear, he jumps out of a nearby truck and ditches his priestly garb, tucking a special looking knife into his pants. That’s not a metaphor for anything.

Father Cryptic Warnings sneaks inside and so does Allison. She finds Elliot but he’s clearly not himself and doesn’t immediately recognize her. Piper and Phoebe hear an alarm blaring and run out to the foyer where they see the priest sneaking in, Allison being ushered out and Elliot yelling for Allison. Father Cryptic Warnings goes upstairs with his special knife and the girls run off to warn someone.

In Elliot’s room, Father Cryptic Warnings holds up his knife and says he banishes Hecate (they say it different than Hecate on Buffy…) but unlucky for him, Jade Le D’Mon has back-up. A demon standing just behind him snaps his neck.

Piper and Phoebe hear a crash. They run outside to find that Father Dire Warning has fallen out of the top story window. After a Not Commercial Break, Phoebe, Piper and Allison are all standing behind a police line, watching the hullabaloo. Phoebe asks what the heck is going on, but Allison just says she had to go.

The lolPD’s finest, Inspectors Morris and Trudeau are on the scene, questioning Jade. She tells them all of the horrible details but then cheerily says she’s got tons to do before the wedding and skips off. Andy asks Morris to look at the window and where the body landed. How could anyone jump that far? Morris says that’s just what they get paid the medium bucks to figure out. Again: heh.

Mommy Uptight is yelling at the demon (now in lady form) who killed the priest. Killing priests was never part of the plan, but the Demon Bridesmaid tells her to shut up and deal, because Jade will be pregnant in 24 hours and that will be that. If Uptight has a problem, she should’ve thought about that before she made a pact with a D’mon.

Prue is hard at work when Sir Buckland enters. She asks him about the male companion piece to the fertility icon and he tells her to go ahead and auction that one, as their client only wanted the female. He tells her it is a gift for the Spencer wedding. He asks a couple follow-up questions, all to confirm that she won’t be in attendance, even though her sisters will be. Mr. Buckland carries that happy news to the Snooty Assistant, but tells her they still can’t attend the wedding as it would be too risky.

Back in her office, Andy catches Prue touching the fertility icon in a no-no spot.

      Andy shows her the priest’s knife. She READS THE LATIN INSCRIPTION OUT LOUD, which says, “I shall not rest until the demon is vanquished.” Or until someone throws you out of a window, I guess. Prue pulls up some more information on her laptop which takes her to an article on Hecate, queen of the underworld. She notes that this can’t be a coincidence, so of course, Andy is suspicious. Prue asks to keep the knife and runs off without closing that article on Hecate, so Andy sees it.

At the Halliwell Manor, Piper finds the original wedding contract for Elliot and Allison, not Jade, which explains why she was hanging around the estate all mopey. Piper wants to help out, but Phoebe can contain herself no longer! She says that Piper is actually Hecate, queen of the underworld, carrying a demon child so Phoebe’s going to have to kill her with a special knife. Prue enters all,”this special knife?” Piper assures them that she isn’t pregnant and they believe her, so that was easy. Prue asks Phoebe what she saw in the vision exactly, and she is all, “Piper’s legs?” because ha ha ha misunderstanding.

Prue says they have a bigger issue: the priest belonged to a secret order charged with stopping Hecate. Probably the ORDER should’ve sent a back-up person. They connect all the dots and realize that Jade is Hecate.

At the Spencer estate, the 3Ps spy on Jade’s bachelorette party. A stripper comes in and starts doing some seriously heinous dancing the Ps seem to enjoy:

I feel bad for him because Jade kills him which means he spent his final moments in a leopard print budgie smuggler. That should happen to no one.

The next day, the girls go over their plan: they need Allison to make a declaration of love, breaking the spell on Elliot meaning Jade will be out of luck. Phoebe wants to vanquish Jade and the wedding party but for some reason her sisters are against that.

Later, Allison arrives and tells Prue the story of how she got broken up with. She says it started six months ago, but the title card earlier said, “one week later,” so continuity is hard. Prue’s all, “hey you know that show Touched by an Angel? Yeah, this is nothing like that.” But she and her sisters do have gifts and can help Allison get Elliot back.

Spencer Estate. Phoebe and Piper try to see Elliot but are thwarted by a Demon Bridesmaid. Mommy Uptight exits his room, so the girls decide to try to talk to her instead. They tell her Elliot isn’t supposed to marry Jade and they have a plan to stop the wedding. Uptight whispers for them to meet her in the wine cellar.

Cut to Piper and Phoebe sneaking down to the cellar, followed by two Demon Bridesmaids. Piper tries to freeze them, but she’s too far away for it to affect them. She says to run instead.

At the LOLPD station, Andy and Morris review security tapes from the Spencer Estate.

Jade walks down the aisle and the ceremony gets underway.

Piper and Phoebe make it back to the cellar door with the DBs close enough for Piper to freeze them. Prue comes in and tells them to duck so she can telekinesis the DBs into some boxes.

The priest gets to the part about speaking now or forever holding your peace. Allison runs up with the 3Ps and yells that she loves Elliot. Jade gets pissed and chants something in such a sing songey way, I was sure she was going to break out in a choreographed number. Instead, thunder rumbles and lightening cracks the sky. The guests all go running while Jade grabs Elliot. Allison and the 3Ps give chase.

Upstairs, Jade has Elliot pinned to the bed and morphs into Hecate. Some DBs show up and push the Ps into the bedroom and then stand around menacingly and don’t actually attack, because of plot. Prue searches her purse and finds the special knife is gone. I can’t even explain how, but the knife ends up near Elliot. He picks it up and it starts to glow, for more reasons that are unexplained. Piper yells at Prue to do something and today’s BIG BIG RESOLUTION: (drumroll please…!)

PRUE LOOKS BETWEEN THE KNIFE AND THE DEMONS AND… I DON’T KNOW… TELEKINESISES THE MAGIC TO THEM? AND THEY DISAPPEAR.

Yes friends, in two movements of her head, Prue has gotten rid of the queen of the underworld. Problem solved!

Elliot and Allison are happy. The sisters are happy they helped that happen, but Piper wonders if any of them will ever get their happily ever after. She fears one day greeting her husband with tales of accidentally freezing the children. Prue says she’ll maybe just move hers to another zip code. Phoebe says if she could ever learn to control her power, she could see the kids and bring them back safely. They laugh and decide that true love can conquer all.

Andy is there so we can end another episode with Andy and Prue together while Piper and Phoebe watch.

 

Next time: A possessed teen wants to hang out with the Halliwells in Charmed S01 E07 – The Fourth Sister