Dawson’s Creek S01 E02 – Dude, no.

Previously: Everyone was a douchebag, and Gail’s hair was terrifying.
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Dance

Kirsti: Remember that time like two years ago that Lor and Sweeney covered a bunch of pilot episodes and one of them was Dawson’s Creek? SURPRISE! We’re going to cover the rest of it. I was a Dawson’s Creek fan from basically the minute it aired in Australia, although I stopped watching sometime around the point where they all went off to college because it was the contrivance-iest contrivance ever that they would all end up in Boston. But whatever. I revisited the series a couple of years ago, and re-established the fact that I will always and forever be on Team Pacey.

Democracy Diva: I wasn’t particularly interested in Dawson’s Creek when it was new, but I developed a mid-aughts interest in it and have seen the first few seasons. According to Netflix, I was attempting a rewatch in the last couple of years, but never made it past Season 2 because no one else was willing to watch it with me. UNTIL NOW!

K: Always happy to take one for the team, Diva Snow!

Introductory rambles done, let’s do this thing! We open in Dawson’s Bedroom/Shrine o’ Spielberg. Joey’s watching the footage they shot for his crappy monster movie, including the part where she’s supposed to kiss Pacey and then squicks out.

Dawson tells her she’ll have to kiss Pacey eventually, and I laugh and laugh. Dawson insists that his shitty horror movie won’t work without a love story. Joey points out that it’s a shitty horror movie, and he replies “It’s an homage with a heavy allegorical slant,” because obviously 15 year olds talk like that.

Diva: I apologize in advance – half of my comments will be about how virtually insane this writing is. This show might as well be about aliens for how much these people actually sound like teenagers. They barely sound like people.

K: YES. It’s beyond ridiculous.

Joey insists that Pacey is unkissable, and says that Dawson can do the kissing instead. He says his lips are “reserved for someone else” (ew), and Joey sulks because the someone else isn’t her before begging for a rewrite. Dawson tells her to just think of someone else, and she slumps back on his bed, clearly thinking of kissing him. Girl, no. I can see the future, and NO.

Diva: Also, even if you can’t see the future or just don’t really remember that much of it, the answer is still NO. Because Dawson.

K: I DON’T WANNA WAIT. (D: Or, if you’re watching this on Netflix where they couldn’t get the rights to that song, MY HEART IS IN MY HANDS.) (K: I’m torn between being excited and bummed because I love both these songs.)

After the credits, we’re at Capeside High. You can tell it’s the 90s because everyone is wearing baggy jeans, double denim, and rollerblading to school. A loudspeaker announcement informs us that there’s a big dance on Saturday night. Dawson goes to see the film teacher who wouldn’t let him into his class in the pilot. He proceeds to basically con his way in by saying that his study hall period – which coincides with film class – is all crowded and gross, and he’d study much better in film class. Mr Gold agrees, but says that he’s to sit at the back and keep his mouth shut.

Diva: Advice I wish Dawson would heed more often.

K: No kidding.

Meanwhile, Pacey is in Tamara’s classroom. He insists that they need to talk. She, on the other hand, disagrees. She also has a hairdo that makes her resemble my dead cocker spaniel, so…there’s that. (D: This show is rife with #90shairproblems.) Pacey says that they should talk about “the open-mouthed kiss” and DUDE. NO.

The whole scene is creepy and gross. They whisper some more about their totally-didn’t-happen kiss in front of a classroom full of students before Pacey storms out.

At lunch, Dawson tells the gang that they’ll have to work on his shitty horror movie all weekend. WORST. FRIEND. EVER. Joey and Pacey both sulk because EW KISSING. Dawson suddenly has a revelation – he can kill off Joey’s character early and cast Jen as her hot cousin from New York. Jen’s reluctant, but Joey and Pacey are both on board – her because it means spending time behind the camera with Dawson and him because it means kissing Jen. Dawson thinks himself a genius for coming up with a twist the audience won’t expect.

Diva: Dawson doesn’t ask Jen if she minds kissing Pacey. He doesn’t even ask if she wants to be in the movie. He just casts her, assuming that because “people in New York move fast,” he doesn’t need to actually ask if she’s down for this. Because Dawson’s kind of an asshole.

K: KIND OF???

English class. Tamara uses the class’s topic of conversation – Wuthering Heights – as a thinly veiled reference to why she and Pacey can’t ever be a thing and why the kiss shouldn’t have happened. Pacey gets belligerent teenage boy face. Film class. The people who are actually IN the class discuss the film they’re making to enter in the Boston Film Festival. Dawson gets all “Skkrrtt, WHAT?” because that’s the festival he’s entering his shitty horror movie in.

Diva: It’s at this point that I realize that Scott Foley plays Cliff, the quarterback of the football team. I know Scott Foley is in basically everything, but WHAT IS JAKE BALLARD DOING PLAYING HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL? He’s supposed to be on a plane with Olivia Pope! SHE’S THE SCANDAL!

K: I know him from Grey’s Anatomy, but yeah, he really IS in everything.

At his locker, he fills Joey in on the fact that the film the class is making sounds like the worst thing ever – a semi-autobiographical story about the previous year’s football season, starring/written/directed by the school quarterback. It’s to be called “Helmets of Glory”, which I don’t think anyone in their right mind would see. Further down the hallway, said quarterback is introducing himself to Jen. Dawson immediately freaks on account of Jen is, like, his property or something. He watches helplessly as Cliff asks Jen out. She gives him a “I’ll let you know,” then breezes past Dawson and Joey.

Diva: Then Joey again mentions how New York girls move fast. Fuck off, townie. SHE DIDN’T EVEN SAY YES. Also, your dad is a convicted felon so maybe don’t act like your life is the picture of small-town perfection and the city is where all the bad things in the world happen. People do all kinds of shit in small towns. They just do it farther apart than city people, and in cars.

K: A+, girl.

Leery House. Dawson asks his dad where his video camera might be, and Mitch is all “Oh right, we used that to make a sex tape. You should probably change the tape in that. And maybe charge the battery.” Unlike a normal teenager, Dawson doesn’t vomit/demand brain bleach/run for the exit. (D: Barkeep, two double-shots of brain bleach for Kirsti and the Democracy Diva, please!) Instead, he asks his father for kissing tips. Mitch starts to reminisce about the first time he and Gail kissed. Outside, Joey climbs up the ladder to Dawson’s room. She hears voices from downstairs, and ends up on the landing, eavesdropping on their conversation.

Diva: Can we clarify something here? Has anyone ever climbed a ladder into someone’s window, or had someone climb into their window via a ladder? (In a positive way, not in a breaking-and-entering way?) This happens constantly on television, and in my experience, NEVER in real life. I’m not complaining, because like, get the fuck out of my window, weirdo, but I also want to know if I missed out on an integral part of the adolescent experience.

K: NOPE. For starters, the fly screen would get in the way.

Back downstairs, Mitch suggests that Dawson practice kissing on the fake Joey head that he made for the she-gets-decapitated-by-the-monster movie scene. For some insane reason, he agrees. Upstairs, Joey closes her eyes and pretends that she’s getting kissed rather than the fake head. I honestly cannot accurately describe how fucking weird this entire scene is… (D: SO WEIRD, and made weirder by the fact that Joey finds it romantic.) Anyway, Dawson and his kissing practice buddy leave. Upstairs, Joey suddenly notices that the cord for the landline (LOLOLOLOLOL) (D: I WROTE THE SAME THING!) is trailing across the floor. She follows it to the linen closet and then eavesdrops on Gail making kissy noises down the phone. Because, you know, it’s not enough to eavesdrop on two out of three family members in one day. You have to go for the full set!

Anyway, Gail hangs up the phone and walks out to find Joey standing there like a creepy creeper. She makes awkward small talk about Dawson’s shitty movie before Joey reveals that she knows about the affair. Gail gets “OH SHIT” face.

Diva: Joey just tells her, “I know.” And walks away. Because there has never been an awkward situation that Joey Potter didn’t make more awkward.

K: Out on the dock, the gang film Joey’s death scene, which includes the monster chopping her head off with a swipe of its arm. LOLOLOL. Dawson’s thrilled with it, and says they should move on. Joey heads inside to change and get the fake blood off. Jen follows and offers to help.

Joey awkwards. She awkwards harder when Jen’s all “HEY, NICE BOOBS. I hate mine, personally.” Joey’s stunned to think that perfect Jen hates anything about herself, and Jen leaves her to it after saying that she plans on making it hard for Joey not to like her.

Diva: Funny how Joey asks Dawson how often he jerks off, and talks about his genitalia, and mentions their magical changing bodies every ten seconds, but she goes catatonic when Jen compliments her breasts. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it, girl.

K: I mean, she HAS known Dawson for like a hundred years whereas she’s known Jen for five minutes and now Jen’s looking at her boobs. But yeah.

Outside, filming resumes and this time, it’s the scene where Pacey has to kiss Jen. Everything’s going to plan until Pacey gets a little carried away. Dawson freaks out, and calls a cut, demanding to know if Jen’s okay. She giggles that she is as he tells Pacey off for “snorkelling” rather than kissing. He announces that he’s cutting the kiss scene. (D: Because he’s an overgrown child with a giant fucking forehead.) (K: SERIOUSLY. His forehead enters the room days before he does! ) Pacey’s pretty thrilled because he has plans. Jen says she does too and heads off. Dawson trails after her, leaving Joey to ask what the hell plans Pacey would have. He informs her that the woman of his dreams will be at the school dance that night. Yeah, in a chaperoning capacity…

En route to Jen’s place, Dawson gushes about all the dance themed movies he’s borrowed, all of which star John Travolta. Dude, no. Jen agrees with me, saying that she’s actually going to the dance. With Cliff. She insists that it’s not a date, but Dawson’s basically Season 3 cryface-ing already. In the Shrine o’ Spielberg, Dawson bitches to Joey about Jen’s life choices. He launches into this incredibly detailed “I bet here’s what they’re doing right now” speech, and Joey gives him epic “WTF” face and rolls her eyes. It’s magical.

    Diva: Understatement of the century.

K: Dawson decides that the only way to solve the problem is for him to go to the dance. Joey moves to “Dude, no” face. Dawson insists that it’s a genius idea, and that tonight, he’s going to kiss the girl. He says this while putting on a waistcoat, so I’m guessing it’s pretty unlikely.

Joey agrees to go with him, if only to witness his humiliation. (D: And because dignity is overrated.) Dawson says that he needs to check his hair before they go, so Joey heads downstairs. There, she creepily watches as Gail says she’ll be home late and Mitch macks on her. She bids Gail goodnight as she heads off to her illicit affair and Gail jumps. Joey then tells Gail that she’s destroying her family, and she should know on account of her dad was a cheatery cheater and as a result her mum got cancer and died. I’m not quite sure that infidelity leads to cancer, Joey, but okay. Whatever. Dawson appears in the nick of time to break up the conversation. Joey makes up a half-arsed cover story for what they were discussing, and follows Dawson out the door with a judgemental “Have fun tonight, Mrs. Leery.”

Diva: Sheesh. I mean, she’s right that adultery destroys families, but did she really need to play the dead mom card, and then get her last little snarky word in?

K: Yes. Because that’s how Joey Potter rolls.

School dance. There’s a pathetic attempt at an Under the Sea theme, and everyone’s dancing to Savage Garden’s I Want You, because it’s 1998. After some mild flirting, Jen and Cliff hit the dance floor. Pacey arrives and heads over to Tamara. In response to her “How are you?” with “Confused, perplexed, bewiddlered, mystified. A thesaurus of emotion,” and I laugh forever and ever because that is the cheesiest line of ever.

He asks her to dance, and she’s all “DUDE, NO” because a) she’s working, b) she’s his teacher, and c) they’re in public. I would add in d) there’s enough of that around here in Pretty Little Liars...

Dawson and Joey arrive, and Dawson’s face falls when he sees Jen dancing with Cliff. He has no plan, and Joey informs him that he’d better come up with one quickly. He has a brainwave and drags a very reluctant Joey onto the dance floor. Just as they start dancing, the song ends and is replaced by a slow one. After a second of awkwardness, they start slow dancing. Joey looks a little moony but Dawson’s looking everywhere for Jen. He thinks they’ve lost her when she and Cliff slow dance up beside them. Jen introduces Cliff, and he recognises Dawson from film class. Jen says that Dawson’s a talented film maker, and Dawson awkwardly dances away. “That went well…” Joey snarks.

As the dulcet tones of Gina G’s Ooh Aah Just a Little Bit start, I stop to laugh hysterically about a) the music choices in this episode, b) the fact that I can instantly identify the songs playing at this dance, and c) the fact that both main songs thus far have been Australian. REPRESENT, YO. (D: PREACH. Excellent music choices are excellent.) Anyway, Jen ducks out and Dawson follows. In the hall, she says that she’s been looking for him and wants to dance. He makes a joke about Cliff being pissed off on account of she’s not there on a date with Dawson, and Jen eyerolls her way into the bathroom. Dawson goes to follow but is screamed out of there because OBVIOUSLY.

Back in the hall, Joey says they should leave, but Dawson’s “enjoying my misery.” LOL. Drama queen. Jen’s now surrounded by football players. Joey points out that Dawson’s only known her for like 30 seconds, and he says that while that’s definitely the case, he feels that there’s a primal connection between them. Joey’s “WTF” face makes a second appearance. He goes on to say that the way he feels about Jen is kind of the same as the way he feels about Joey. Except that he wants to bone Jen. Joey decides that’s her cue to GTFO, and leaves.

Diva: Congrats on finding your brain and/or dignity, Joey.

K: Dawson watches as Cliff leads Jen onto the dance floor again, then decides he’s waited long enough. He walks over and announces that he’d like to cut in. Cliff’s all “WTF?” and Dawson says that he and Jen have something undefined going on between them and this is his attempt to clarify it. Jen’s face screams “DUDE, NO” because apparently that’s what this episode should have been titled.

Possibly this entire show should have been titled “Dude, no”, now that I think about it…

Cliff and Dawson start bickering about which one of them should leave. It ends when Jen snaps and announces that she’s leaving to save them the hassle.

Diva: All of Dawson’s behavior comes across as obsessive and controlling and borderline psychotic considering the fact that they barely know each other and aren’t even remotely dating.

K: YES. I seem to remember Teenage!Kirsti thinking it was sweet. But 31-Year-Old!Kirsti is all “NOPE. GTFO, ASSHOLE.” Cut to Dawson, Joey and Pacey walking home. I’m a little sad that Dawson didn’t get punched in the face, to be perfectly honest. (D: I would have loved to see Jake Ballard beat the shit out of him.) He moans about how this was the worst night of his entire life and wants to know how Joey could have let him do that. She’s all “Right, because obviously this is MY fault.” Dawson quizzes Pacey about his mystery woman, but Pacey’s tight lipped. Dawson creates some more mental scenes of what Jen and Cliff are doing, leading Joey to UGH and Pacey to bail.

Leery House. Gail comes home and Mitch asks her if she remembers their first kiss. She reels off a bunch of different kisses, causing him to get more and more “Noooooo, how can you not remember?????” before sneakily applying Chap Stick – which was a big part of the story that Mitch told Dawson earlier – proving that she does remember. They make out a little, then start to dance. She looks hella guilty over his shoulder.

Down by the marina, Pacey spots Tamara in the same spot they kissed. He heads over to her. He gives her puppy dog eyes and begs for a do-over. She says that she’d change the ending, and apologises for her behaviour on account of it was illegal. He says that he was a willing participant and who really gives a fuck about the law? (D: I DO!) She insists that their relationship has to be strictly student/teacher from now on, then caresses his face. She bids him goodnight and starts to go. He grabs her arm and they kiss. DUDE, NO.

Diva: First of all, YAY LIZ LEMON GIF. Second, everything about this is disgusting.

K: SO MUCH. Elsewhere, Dawson asks Joey what they’ve learnt from their evening. Her reply is my new philosophy on life: “We should always stay home on a Saturday night and watch movies, because the remote on the rewind of life does not work.” (D: My exact notes read, “THIS IS MY LIFE MOTTO.”) (K: TWINSIES!) Dawson says that he’s ruined his thing with Jen, and Joey’s all “Right, because you totally had a thing”. He makes her promise to tie him to his bed the next time he gets like this, and NO. FIFTY SHADES REMINDERS ARE UNACCEPTABLE. (D: ANOTHER ROUND OF BRAIN BLEACH! STAT!) They share a giggly moment, then he looks up to see Jen alone and buying salt water taffy from a dude with a cart. Because I’m sure there’s a HUGE market for salt water taffy from a cart at like 11pm on a Saturday night in small town Massachusetts. Sure, show, whatever.

Diva: I have purchased my fair share of salt water taffy on the Jersey shore, and that shit is definitely more difficult to come by at night.

K: Especially given that school is back in session, so it’s presumably sometime in September and all the tourists have left town.

Joey wishes him luck getting his kiss and leaves. Dawson heads over to Jen, who tells him that she’s really angry and demands to know what he wants from her. He replies that he wants to know what’s happening between them, because he’s scared he’s becoming her friend. Because of COURSE this douchebag would be a “You friendzoned me!” type. Of COURSE. Jen eyerolls her agreement with me.

Diva: He’s the definition of every think-piece you’ve read this year about “Nice Guys” and/or the friendzone. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.

K: Truth. They watch a couple sipping wine on a nearby boat, and Jen says that she’s interested in being more than friends but doesn’t know where to go next. He suggests that they kiss, and she says they should start with a dance because the kiss is just the end result. (D: She also makes the episode’s THIRD reference to fast-moving City Girls. WE GET IT.) They start to dance and we cut across to Joey. The zoomy cameraman slowly does his zoomy thing on her wistful kicked puppy expression before we cut back to Jen and Dawson.

Well. That was a thing. The angst! The melodrama! The illegal ickiness! The terrible costumes! (D: The completely implausible dialogue!) And, mostly importantly, THE HAIR OH MY GOD THE HAIR. Welcome to Capeside, Traumateers. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

 

Next time: Pacey’s pedo-lationship moves forward, Joey meets a rich boy, and Dawson and Jen go on their first date. Find out more in Dawson’s Creek S01 E03 – Kiss.