Dawson’s Creek S01 E03 – Creeptown USA

Previously: Another effing dance featuring a scary amount of Australian music.
—Kiss

Democracy Diva: The episode begins with Dawson and Joey watching an old movie starring Deborah Kerr about people making out on the beach uber-passionately. Did this show make it clear that Dawson loves movies? Because you guys, DAWSON LOVES MOVIES. And obsessing over what his first kiss with Jen should be like.

Kirsti: OMG, REALLY? Shit. I had no idea. They should have made that more obvious.

Diva: Joey mostly thinks he should shut up and, in the immortal words of Sebastian the Crab, kiss de girl, but Dawson thinks this perfect, life-altering moment needs to be storyboarded, because he’s a bit of a nut job. Joey’s all, it’s cute that you think this scene is romantic even though “the girl’s bored; the guy’s gay.” An accurate description of most on-screen kisses. And plenty of off-screen ones, too, at least in my experience. Dawson’s all, believe in love, Joey! You’ll understand when you want to make out with someone! And she’s like, let me run out your window before I accidentally tell you I love you.

I DON’T WANNA WAIT (etc.)

Capeside High Film Class. Dawson is rolling his eyes at Cliff and everyone else’s shitty ideas, because only Dawson understands filmmaking and narrative flow. I hope Jake Ballard puts him in a hole. I also hope you all are game for a few seasons’ worth of Scandal references because they’re not going to end anytime soon.

K: I’ve seen this show at least a couple of times and I’m still hoping for an unexpected plot twist where Dawson is killed off.

Diva: Elsewhere at Capeside High, Pacey and Tamara (you know, the teacher who made out with him) have a srs bsns chat about how he’s failing all his classes. Basically, Pacey is like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls, if she were failing math to get closer to Tina Fey instead of Aaron Samuels. Tamara agrees to tutor Pacey because some sort of contrivance has to get them alone together again.

Potter Family Restaurant (sadly not owned by Harry and Ginny and their awkwardly-named children, but run by Joey’s sister and her boyfriend, and Joey waitresses there). This scene is here basically just to tell us that Joey’s sister is very preggo and her boyfriend is black. Thanks, show!

Anyway, Dawson reveals his brilliant plan for where to stage and shoot the last scene of his movie. This setting will also double as the set for his first kiss with Jen. Unfortunately, his friends are too preoccupied to try to talk him out of this elaborate set-up – Pacey’s bragging that he has a sort-of date tonight (but doesn’t name Tamara, of course) and Joey’s not listening because she’s making eyes at some rando. She immediately – and accurately – judges him as a rich kid (K: Probably because he has floppy hair. Poor boys can’t afford hair that requires that much styling. See also: Pacey vs Dawson), and doesn’t intend to do anything about this cute stranger, until Pacey screams at him that Joey thinks he’s cute. Because in spite of the fact that all these adolescent characters are written like 35-year-olds with PhDs in English and maybe a Master’s degree in pretention, sometimes they actually act like the fifteen-year-olds they are. Anyway, Pacey mentions that rich boys don’t make passes at girls from working classes, but his version doesn’t rhyme and is therefore lame.

Capeside High of Terrible Movies. Dawson asks Jen what she’s doing dressed as a cheerleader on the set, and she says Cliff gave her a part in the movie. Dawson’s response: “At no point was there a couch involved, right?” That’s right, Dawson “I’m a Nice Guy!” Leery’s first assumption was not only that Jen slept with Cliff, but that she did so to get a two-line part in a high school film class’s terrible movie about football. And not only did he assume this, he said it out loud, like this was a totally normally thing to leap to/shame her for.

K: Because Dawson Leery is the ACTUAL FUCKING WORST and I still marvel at the fact that I knew people who thought Dawson was a total dreamboat.

Diva: Somehow, Jen manages to not flip the fuck out, even though my reaction would have been something along these lines:

Dawson says she’s supposed to be in his movie, not this trash heap. Apparently it’s totally fine for Dawson to work on both films, but not Jen. Because reasons.

K: Those reasons being “I’m a filmmaker so I need the experience. You’re, like, my property or whatever and no one else can see or touch you.”

Diva: Capeside High of Dubious Tutoring Methods. Tamara seems to actually be planning on tutoring, but Pacey wants to know what she was like in high school and whether she would have dated him. She’s all, probs not, but I’ve learned a lot since then. I’m like, well, maybe you haven’t learned so much since you’re getting romantically involved with your underage student, but at least Tamara concedes this point, saying she was smart until a few weeks ago. She then hands Pacey a quiz and offers him “positive reinforcement” in exchange for correct answers. Blerg.

K: Excuse me while I vomit repeatedly. Lady, you are not even remotely smarter than you were in high school. And are you seriously planning on doing this ON SCHOOL PROPERTY? Hawt.

Diva: Outside the Potter Family Restaurant, Joey is taking out the trash. She spots Rich Boy from earlier, playing violin on a yacht. Definitely a rich kid, since poor kids are very rarely, if ever, seen playing violins on yachts. He notices Joey staring at him and tells her his name is Anderson Crawford. She responds with a sarcastic “Congratulations” that is sort of uncalled for but also a little bit hilarious, since he did announce his name like it was quite the achievement. He’s in Capeside because his folks are antique-hunting, of course; when he asks Joey if her parents are docked on a nearby boat, she decides to pretend to be a rich girl with a perfect family. Katie Holmes doesn’t always nail the acting on this show, but it is positively heartbreaking when Joey says “Mother hates to sail” like she’s rehearsed this fantasy-family before. Anderson invites her to come sailing, and she says her name is “Deborah Kerr…son. Deborah Kerrson.” You know, like the lady in the movie from the first scene, who was having lots of passionate face-eating time on the beach!

Back at Capeside, it’s terrible movie-shooting time. Dawson is muttering Rocky Horror-esque call lines to himself about how homoerotic and stupid all of this is. Preppy Producer Princess with a Voice No One in the World Actually Has is having none of his sarcasm, and wants to rat him out to the teacher. She’s pissed at Dawson for suddenly showing up and mocking everything when she had to work on this film all summer. You know what? That’s a completely valid complaint. If only it were delivered in a normal voice, by someone who wasn’t wearing a fuzzy lavender sweater and a pink skirt, so that I could take it seriously. Anyway, Producer Princess tells Dawson to shape up or ship out, and he leaves in a huff.

K: Meanwhile, I spent this entire scene laughing at how ridiculously wide Scott Foley’s shoulders look in the background thanks to his football uniform. I mean, maybe the insane width is perfectly normal to Americans, but he has the same shoulder width as Dawson, who’s in the foreground. HILAR.

Diva: I didn’t notice that until you pointed it out, and now I can’t look at anything else. He is like twice the width of every other person in this shot.

Back at the Dirty Tutoring Session, Pacey wants the reward he was promised for knowing all the answers, but Tamara says she was bluffing and his reward is his education. She tells him, “Not here, not now, this is my place of employment.” Uh, hate to break it to you, Tamara, but it’s still illegal even if you only have sex with him off-campus. When Pacey still tries to get some, Tamara decides to call his bluff and orders him to strip. The poor kid starts stuttering, and she laughingly asks if it’s his first time. He’s like, you fucking know it is, so could you stop tormenting me now please thanks? In spite of her being a total dick (not for refusing to have sex with him, but for taunting him about his inexperience), he tells her sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing. But not when that wrong thing is a sex crime, Pacey.

K: If someone can be sent to jail for it, doing the wrong thing is not right. More real life advice from the Snark Squad, yo.

Diva: Joey’s back on the dock, wearing lipstick and earrings to prove she’s a rich girl. When Anderson tells her she looks amazing, she gives that beautiful smile that reminds me why Katie Holmes was ever a thing. She pretends to be a rich Manhattanite who goes to boarding school, but she calls it a “privileged existence,” which a fifteen-year-old boarding school kid would probably not have the self-awareness to do. She basically tells him to be thankful he’s got such a good life, but he maintains that it’s unnatural to ship kids off away from their parents when they’re twelve years old. (K: So he’d probably have a lot to say about the six year olds at the boarding school I went to in England?)

Joey and Anderson sail away, seemingly on the Atlantic Ocean and not the creek because there is no land whatsoever on the green-screened horizon. They find a secluded beach to play frisbee on.

Anderson says his dad doesn’t really work, he just gets rich off investments. Joey says her dad is a CEO of a conglomerate; when Anderson asks which one, she says it’s a very lucrative tampon business, which is a hilarious and brilliant way of getting Anderson to ask no further questions on the subject. Anderson notes that Joey (er, Deborah) must have a boyfriend because she gives off an unapproachable vibe, then segues into how he values honesty. Oopsies. Sucks to be you, Joey-Deborah.

Capeside football field/movie set. The camera is shaking so bad during this tracking shot that you can barely see a thing. Dawson offers to help, but Producer Princess interrupts him to make him fetch more tape. Dawson runs into Jen, and makes fun of the movie to her. Of course, when she doesn’t disagree with his criticisms, he asks why she’s there if she hates this. Um, WHY ARE YOU, DAWSON?

K: Because he’s STILL trying to persuade the film teacher to let him actually join the class. Or something. IDEK.

Diva: Also, can Jen maybe do literally anything to assimilate into her new school without Dawson giving her shit for it? But because Jen is the world’s most patient, forgiving person, or maybe she just never listens to a word Dawson says, she confesses that she’s there because she knew Dawson would be there. He asks her to help shoot the final scene of his movie (AKA the premeditated make-out sesh) and she strokes his already inflated ego by saying she’d love a chance to work with a real director. And then I barfed.

K: You and me both, girl.

Diva: Back on the secluded beach, Anderson and Joey are discussing the JFK conspiracy. You know, like all fifteen-year-olds in the late 1990s do. WHO WRITES THIS SHOW?! Anyway, he leans in for the kiss and she bolts, telling him she’s not Cinderella, not even close. But maybe closer than you think, Joey, because you both lost your mom and work in the service industry and have crushes on rich boys who think you’re rich too. Just a thought.

Pacey hits the football field in a wheelchair to help with the extremely shaky shot. Producer Princess gets predictably pissy, but Dawson is all, just let me fix this fucking shot, please? To his credit, Cliff wants to hear Dawson’s idea. Now, I am a lady who will choose the sensitive artist over the football player 100 times out of 100. But it should be noted that in spite of the show’s attempt to paint Dawson as the hero and Cliff as, if not the villain, then the foil, my reaction is fully Team Cliff, who is an actual nice guy and not a Dawsonian faux-“Nice Guy” (at least thusfar). I just needed the world to know that this is the first time in my life I’ve rooted for the jock to beat up the sensitive kid and it’s making me uncomfortable.

K: I totally agree. If they wanted us to cheer for Dawson, they should have made Cliff your typical jerkfaced jock. They didn’t, though. They made him a decent human being, while Dawson Worst Human Being On Earth Leery is a total douchenozzle.

Diva: Also I’ve discovered that it’s very difficult to hate Scott Foley, under any circumstances.

Anyway, Dawson’s idea is to film the scene in the wheelchair, thereby minimizing the bumpiness issue. It works like a charm, and he gets a round of applause for being the only person in a movie-making class to know anything about making movies. Isn’t it the teacher’s job to teach shit like this? LOL wait it’s a high school on TV which means no one teaches anything, ever, except when they’re about to bone or have just boned their underage students.

Potter Family Restaurant. Dawson and Jen are ordering food from Joey, and she’s by far the nicest she’s ever been to Jen. When Joey’s sister Bessie gets on her case about being late, Joey’s all, sorry I wanted a moment of happiness in my sad little life! But now Anderson walks in and is about to catch Joey in her elaborate lie. Joey quickly pretends to be a customer, and when Anderson calls her “Deborah,” Dawson’s all, um, that’s totally not her name, because Dawson is a giant cockblock. Jen, being the cool chick she is, totally saves Joey’s ass by saying Deborah is just “Deb” to them. Dawson continues to try his hardest to ruin this, and Jen continues to play along like a total fucking champ. Bessie yells at Joey to serve the food, but her boyfriend plays along with the story and asks if he can get Joey anything. This is so cute that I bothered to look up this character’s name so I can stop calling him “Joey’s sister’s boyfriend.” It’s Bodie. BODIE, YOU RULE.

K: YES. I’m pretty sure that if I were forced to live in Capeside, Jen would be my best friend. Teenaged Kirsti found her insanely annoying for inexplicable reasons. But 31 Year Old Kirsti appreciates the fact that Jen is totally awesome and deserves a million times better than any of the guys she dates in the course of this show. Especially Dawson. Also, Bodie is the best. Let’s not mention the fact that they’ve recast him since the pilot…

The last time we saw New!Bodie? Was when Angel killed him and the demon that was living inside him. He looks better here, without his face falling off.

Diva: I haven’t watched the pilot in years, so let’s call it bad memory and not racism that I didn’t notice that. Also, +1 to everything you said about Jen, the only person in Capeside I’d be down to hang out with.

Back at school, Pacey overhears Tamara flirting with an age-appropriate person about old movies. He confronts her about it, and Tamara’s all, stop before this gets out of hand, and he’s like, uh, you think we’re in hand right now? Because NOPE. Totes out of hand. Like my hands are here, and we are WAY the fuck over there.

Dawson and Jen trespass on a stunning locale to shoot the final movie scene/stage Dawson’s elaborate make out sesh.

K: Because when trespassing on private property, you should ensure that you pack music and gauze curtains and a million candles and a video camera. You know, to allow for a quick get-away if spotted.

Diva: Duh! It is quite beautiful, though, and fabulously lit, and Jen hilariously calls it a bit schmaltzy for a horror film. Dawson immediately gets defensive and dramatic as only he can do, getting down on one knee in front of her to explain the tragedy and poetry of his shitty sci-fi B-movie. He gives her the direction to look longing and sad, and to her credit, Jen looks as much like a girl who killed her sea monster boyfriend as any girl could. After they exchange compliments, Dawson mentions they shouldn’t waste such a beautiful set, and moves in for the kiss. As he does so, Jen notices that THE CAMERA IS STILL ROLLING WITH THEM PERFECTLY FRAMED ON IT. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK, DAWSON.

K: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. This scene is one of many, many reasons why I created our “DUDE NO” tag. As if making out with a plastic Joey Potter head at his dad’s recommendation in the previous episode wasn’t bad enough, we now add “Filming first kiss to watch again and again” to the list of Reasons Why Dawson Leery Is A Creeper.

Diva: That is going to be a REALLY long list.

Over on the Docks of Class Differences and Romance, Anderson is playing the violin again. He tells Joey he’s in Manhattan all the time and would love to take her out dancing. She says she’s not much for dancing, instead preferring East Side restaurants, but names a place that isn’t even on the East Side. (Much like the Wedding Crashers rule “don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely sure they have a pulse,” you should also not commit to a restaurant unless you’re absolutely sure it’s still open and in the part of town you’re lying about being from.) Anyway, Anderson gives her his number and they have a sweet, romantic kiss. He asks if he can walk her somewhere, but she refuses, because she doesn’t have a yacht or mansion or limo to bring him back to.

Creeptastic Voyeuristic Spot for Dawson to Mack On Chicks. He tries to rationalize having the camera rolling during their kiss. Jen calls him overzealous, but this is way past that. Feeling the need to force a moment and craft an elaborate scene to create it is overzealous. Secretly filming it is a whole other level, and that level is called Creeptown USA, also known as Dawson’s Creep. (K: I was all in favour of renaming the show “DUDE NO” but “Dawson’s Creep” is MUCH better.) (D: Both excellent and appropriate alternate titles.) Dawson assures her that his intentions are honorable, because he is still under the misguided impression that he is the hero of this story, and then word-vomits about how scared and stupid he is. Now Jen is scared that he’s built this kiss up too much – what if she’s a disappointment, as all women would be compared to the platinum pedestal Dawson has built for them?

Bessie and Bodie’s car. Joey realizes she can’t keep up with her East Side persona when her lies are based on out-of-date information about Tribeca restaurants. She throws Anderson’s number out the car window.

K: It’s less “throws” and more “wistfully sighs in a we-could-have-had-it-all-but-I-was-a-liar way as she lets his phone number drop to the ground.”

Diva: Fact. I made it sound like she wanted to be rid of him, but it was way more wistful than that.

Creeptastic Voyeuristic Spot. Dawson hears someone coming and tells Jen they have to hide. They can’t see who it is, but the audience can spot Tamara and Pacey trying to find a place to get their illegal romp on. Dawson and Jen hide in some gross, unromantic bushes, covered in spiderwebs, but of course that is a thousand times more romantic than the previous set-up, because it was spontaneous! And no one was secretly filming it!

But speaking of secretly filming things, Dawson’s camera of infinite tape and battery power is still rolling… and accidentally filming Tamara and Pacey having sex. And because studying for the bar exam ruined me for life, I could think of nothing but the potential admissibility of this tape as evidence. Tune in NEVER for an in-depth analysis of the impact of the Federal Rules of Evidence on Capetown High’s biggest scandal!

K: Meanwhile, I’ll be over here sniggering forever about the fact that Dawson “I Know More About Movies Than You” Leery just accidentally made a porno.

 

Next time: Dawson discovers shit he’d rather not know about the women in his life, and the statutory rape continues in Dawson’s Creek S01 E04 – Discovery.