Previously: The Snark Ladies covered the pilot in 2012 and made up the Sandy Cohen Eyebrows of Non-Negligent Parenting. Covering this show for real, for real has been our goal since then. So has featuring more guest posts around the site. We married these two ideas and decided to have a larger team of recappers take on the episodes. We’re starting with the Snark Ladies and then you’ll see recaps from Snarky Guests.
I suppose the only thing left to say is: California, here we come.
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The Model Home
Sara: So my first experience with The O.C. came during a very lonely summer in my life, after I’d graduated high school. See, I graduated a semester early which meant I couldn’t really hang out with my high school friends anymore because it was weird but also that I couldn’t make any college friends because I was the mid-semester starter and didn’t know anyone. So I worked at Blockbuster every night and spent my two free rentals a week on old TV shows. This is the story of how my love affair with The O.C. started. I stayed up until 3 AM every night for weeks and missed many, many 8 AM English classes because of this shit.
Lorraine: I know this is the first recap, but I can already tell this will be my favorite, “The O.C. and me” story.
Sweeney: +1. This story is basically, “The OC kids were my friends,” which is how I feel all perfectly healthy relationships with TV must be.
Sara: Oh, you know it. The husband was making fun of the dialogue and music while I was watching, and I literally yelled, “THIS WAS MY LIFE FOR AN ENTIRE SEMESTER, ANDY,” at him.
AND AWAY WE GO.
We just started and look at Ben Mackenzie’s sweet baby face! Adorable. Seth and Ryan are in the pool, having the summer I wish I was having right now. Inside the house, Sandy Cohen tells Mama Cohen that he wishes there was something more they could do. He’ll take Ryan to CPS in the morning. Mama Cohen asks what’ll happen if they can’t find his mom, and Sandy answers that since he’s so close to eighteen, they’ll probably put him in the foster system until he’s an adult. Mama Cohen looks stressed about this, because she’s actually a good mama. WEIRD. Sorry, just not used to concerned parents in Traumaland.
Sweeney: And parents who are good enough people to be concerned about other people’s children, no less! Mega weird.
Sara: Outside in the pool, Seth tells a deliciously shirtless Ryan (hold while I check age on IMDB… he was 25 so we’re good) (L: PHEW.) that they should celebrate his last night in the mansion with tattoos or hookers and losing their virginity. Or there’s a shark movie playing at the IMAX. Which seems like a much more Seth-appropriate activity. Plus, we all know there’s no way Ryan is a virgin. With that adorable smile and dem abs? Please.
Lor: Plus he smokes cigarettes so he’s either an evil vampire or not a virgin. Maybe both.
Sweeney: And you guys thought we were scaling back Traumaland’s supernatural element!
Sara: Ryan and Seth come in for dinner and when Ryan asks, Mama Cohen tells him that the miniature house is a model home and goes on that she builds houses for a living. (As in she’s the rich person who pays for houses to be built, not like she actually carries a hammer around for a living.) He asks if she can build him one, and when she doesn’t laugh, apologizes for the bad joke.
The family + Ryan sits down for dinner, and after he compliments the meal, Seth laughs that he should stick around because they never eat like that. “That’s not true – I cook all the time.” The boys scoff and laugh at this. Sandy assures Mama Cohen not to worry, because they definitely don’t want her to cook any more than she does. Seth agrees: “Do you remember the meatloaf incident of ’98?” She corrects him that it was briscuit, not meatloaf. “Exactly my point.” Ryan quietly sits and smiles at the family banter, and Mama Cohen also lets out a tiny smile, too. I love this family. Can I be a Cohen, too?
Lor: I don’t know, Sara. They are kind of finicky about adopting almost full-grown-kids already. Even ones with adorable smiles and dem abs.
Sara: Ugh, and I don’t even have dem abs. Womp. After dinner, Sandy goes over some paperwork with Ryan regarding his return to the foster system. They’ll meet with Ryan’s social worker the next day who will take him to his new group home. Sandy tells him that he managed to find one with only two other foster kids, so it won’t be too overcrowded. I like to think he’s having this conversation right in front of Mama Cohen in order to make her feel all the guilt. Point for Sandy!
Sandy says he’s sure they’ll be able to find a good foster home for Ryan, and Seth snarks that that’ll definitely happen considering how badly everyone wants a brand new teenager. He goes on that he doesn’t understand why Ryan can’t stick around since they have all the extra space, but Ryan interrupts him and tells him it’s no big deal as he signs the release with a sad puppy dog face.
CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME. I still love this song.
Sweeney: It’s going to be a recurring theme of these rotating posts that these credits are some of the best forever.
Sara: Out in the pool house, Ryan tosses and turns until finally getting up, getting his stuff together, and heading out. He bumps into Seth on his way out, who asks if he’s running away. Ryan tells him to just go inside, but Seth continues babbling that he at least wants to come with him if he’s running away. He’s always wanted to live life on the road anyways. Ryan offers a simple, “No,” and Seth says that’s fair enough. He asks if Ryan even has any idea what he’s going to do, but his only plan is to go somewhere new, get a job, and start a new life. Seth scoffs at that, and Ryan asks if he has any better ideas, to which Seth replies that he does.
In the next scene, Seth is up in his room, throwing things into a bag and OMG the early ’00s posters on his walls are amazing. Sandy knocks on the door asking if Seth is awake, prompting him to jump in bed fully clothed and turn off the lights, like how did Sandy not see the light go off under the door? Stupid.
Lor: I used to HATE when my mom knocked on the door all, “are you awake?” WELL MAYBE I WASN’T BEFORE YOU WERE KNOCKING AND SHOUTING AT ME. JESUS.
Sara: Anyways, Sandy comes in and starts speechifying about how they need to talk about Ryan and how their obligation is to their family first yada yada. Seth tries to get him to stfu and go, but Sandy doesn’t understand that because he’s a good dad who actually talks to his child when they’re having issues. Once Sandy leaves, Seth quickly continues throwing things in his bag.
Outside, Ryan impatiently waits for Seth at the street. While he waits, he hears Marissa from next door finishing a phone call as she heads to her car. 1.) WTF. I thought it was the middle of the night? Why is Marissa just now heading out for the evening in a cute dress and holding a birthday present? 2.) Like I would ever believe that these rich kids park their cars on the street.
They “hi” “hey” each other, and Marissa says she thought he was leaving. Ryan replies that he was, or is. Before they can talk further, Seth shows up to Seth all over the moment by asking whose birthday she’s going to, and supposing his invitation got lost in the mail. Marissa tells him that it’s her friend Summer’s birthday, and Seth quickly fires back that Summer’s birthday isn’t until Wednesday LIKE A TOTAL CREEPER.
Sweeney: But also can we talk about how Marissa’s the worst BFF ever? (Also the worst in general but that’s not the point.) It’s not really clear to me how late all this is, but bitch should have been there HOURS ago helping Summer set up or pregaming with her or something.
Sara: Marissa’s life is just so hard, as we’ll learn again and again throughout this freakin’ series. Marissa gives him a “you’re a creeper” look and asks WTF they’re up to. Seth yells at Ryan for telling her, but Ryan says he didn’t tell her shit and maybe it’s the fact that Seth is dressed like a cat burglar that made her suspicious. Seth stalks away, and Ryan turns to go before telling Marissa that she should go since her rich girl social scene awaits. Of course, he has yet to learn that this is exactly the kind of thing that sounds like a challenge to Marissa Coopers everywhere.
Lor: That and like, “you couldn’t possibly have any more to drink…”
Sara: Marissa drives the boys to their destination, but they won’t tell her where they’re going, which she complains about. Seth says it’s interesting that she’s being so complainy since no one fucking invited her, and she’s like, “Whatevs, you were on a skateboard before this. Just be grateful.” I kind of agree, Marissa. She tries to start a conversation with Ryan about what kind of music he likes, but he says he doesn’t really listen to music much which the other two find strange. Marissa replies that she’s really into punk right now, because it fits her angry privileged white girl persona well.
Sara: That is literally a description of high school me.
Seth instructs Marissa to pull into a lot, and it turns out that he’s decided to bring Ryan to his mom’s model home that was never completed. It’s still half done, but it’ll do for shelter. Back at the Cohen home, Mama Cohen finishes up a business call about some missing contractors for her model home. Sandy walks by in time for her to tell him that she is never going to hear the end of this from her business partner, her father. After that teensy info dump, Mama Cohen asks Sandy if he’s talked to Seth about Ryan yet. She can’t let a strange boy live in their house and wants Seth to know that this is what any mother would do.
Back at the model home, Seth asks Ryan what he thinks of his new temporary residence since it’s probably better than a group home, and Ryan does his usual silent Meh thing that he’s so good at. Seth is all, “but wait until you see THIS,” and opens the back door to reveal an unfinished back lot with an empty pool. Ryan and Marissa are like, Um, it’s an empty pool, but Seth tells them that it’s more than an empty pool for some people and we cut to him skateboarding around in it. LOL. Remember when everyone skateboarded? Are the kids still hip with that these days?
While he skateboards, Marissa asks if Ryan’s mom is going to come back, but he replies that he doesn’t know since she’s kind of a train wreck. Marissa, the eternal one upper, says that her mom is a train wreck, too. (Which is totally true but does not negate the fact that Marissa is the epitome of the one upper. #whitegirlproblems) Ryan says that he also can’t call his dad because he’s in jail, which makes Marissa all, MY DAD IS A FINANCIAL PLANNER AND IS IN TROUBLE, DID I MENTION I HAVE #WHITEGIRLPROBLEMS? Goddamn, I don’t remember her being this annoying right off the bat. She goes on that he hasn’t been going to work lately and some big guys keep showing up at their door. After a beat, she quickly adds that she hasn’t told anyone yet but Ryan interrupts that he can keep a secret.
Sweeney: The only thing I paid attention to in this conversation was how insanely California it is, not only for all the reasons you’ve already covered, but also because they’re totally eating In-N-Out. A+ work, show. Well done.
Sara: This who-can-outwoe-each-other conversation is interrupted by a phone call from Marissa’s boyfriend (on her razor lol), and he asks her why she isn’t there yet since everyone is already getting drunk and she was supposed to be there an hour ago. She apologizes and says she’ll be there shortly before offering a quiet “I love you” with a sheepish glance at Ryan. He continues his quiet, pensive Ryan thing.
She sits back down and Ryan asks how long she’s been with the boyfriend (Luke), but she says she doesn’t remember. But of course, creepy stalker Seth remembers that they’ve been together since 5th grade when they kissed in the back of the bus on a field trip. 1.) GOOD GOD, who is with the same boy in 10th grade that they were with in 5th grade? Weird. 2.) Color me a loser for not even knowing that people were actually kissing in fifth grade. I didn’t even hold hands until 7th. 3.) SETH, STOP BEING SO CREEPY.
Lor: Aw man. Seth being so creepy right now is confusing my feelings.
Sara: Marissa wonders why Seth dislikes her so much since she’s never done anything to him, and he says that they’ve lived next to each other for forever and she’s never bothered speaking to him at all. She turns it around on him and says that he’s the one who never talks to her, because he thinks he’s so much better than the rest of them. He agrees that he is better than Luke because Luke shaves his chest. Fair. Seth fills her in on how they got jumped by Luke and his lame friends, and Ryan goes on that he’s not exactly Mr. Popular in the O.C. He tells Marissa that her boyfriend is a little bit angry, and she snarkily (but nicely) asks if he didn’t try to hit Luke back. He amends that he actually hit Luke first, and they both smile. Ahh, teen violence. It’s so romantic!
Lor: And pretty much invented by Throat Punch Todd! I’m sure that The O.C. takes many-a cues from Sweet Valley High and I look forward to forcing the correlation for many-a episode.
Sara: Back inside, Seth asks if Ryan plans on staying and he’s all Ryan MEH about it until Marissa says he should stay, to which he simply responds, “Okay.” LOL. That is probably true to life in how a teenage boy would respond to a pretty girl. (Sidebar to say that when I first say Mischa Barton in that dolphin movie on Disney Channel, I thought she was perhaps the most unattractive person I’d ever seen. Watching this episode, though, I’m not sure why I thought that because I think she actually looks really pretty in this episode.) (S: REALLY? I spent several episodes of this show marveling at how insanely gorgeous she is / how that’s kind of her only talent.)
Marissa gets a call from Summer, saying that she’ll come pick her up because she’s missing all the birthday fun. (S: YOU KNOW, HER HIGH SCHOOL BFF’S BIRTHDAY FUN. Get it together, Marissa.) The entire time they’re talking, Seth keeps mouthing at Marissa to tell Summer he said happy birthday. She finally does, and Summer responds, “Who?” Marissa just side eyes Seth and tells him that Summer said thank you. The boys give each other AW YEAH facial expressions. I forgot how the cutest part of this entire show is the Ryan/Seth relationship. Marissa says she has to go meet her friends, and Seth makes sure to tell her she better STFU about this arrangement because it’s a secret. Before leaving, she invites herself over for the following day to help fix the model home up.
The next morning, Sandy Cohen goes into the pool house to get Ryan but finds the place empty. Seth and Marissa plan on meeting up to go to the model home but are both deterred, Seth by cops who are asking questions about the missing Ryan, and Marissa by her boyfriend who is weirdly eating breakfast with her mom. WTF. Back at the model home, Ryan is doing pull ups like a total hottie. (He’s 25, remember??)
At the Cooper house, Julie Cooper (YAY!) goes into her husband’s office to tell him she needs a check to buy Marissa’s sister Kaitlin a pony, because that’s what rich people do. Daddy Cooper thinks it’s dumb to get a pony for a kid who isn’t even going to be interested in horses in a few months, but BABY SHAILENE WOODLEY makes an entrance to snot that she loves her pony China and always will.
Sweeney: This is my favorite gifset forever. Also, a Traumateer pointed it out a million years ago when we recapped the pilot episode and my mind was blown. They swap her out later to miraculously age her up several years.
Sara: She stomps out, and Jimmy Cooper tries to open up to Julie Cooper about some mistakes he’s made, but she’s like SHHHH SHHH MAMA DON’T CURR and doesn’t give him a chance to finish.
Back at the Breakfast of Strange, Marissa convinces Luke that she can’t hang out with him that day because she has an appointment scheduled with her manicurist. We’re definitely going to need a rich people problems tag for this show. (L: We have one! That and our “first world not a problem” tag…) (S: Tags on tags on tags.) He’s an idiot so he just goes with it and tells her they can hang out later.
Marissa and Seth make it to the model home, where Seth picks on her for bringing things like a loofah and body scrub when he told her “essentials.” He doesn’t laugh so much when she pulls out toilet paper, though, because I guarantee he didn’t think of that. When he leaves the room for a minute, Marissa takes the opportunity to give Ryan a Model Home Mix CD, which is the ultimate, “I have a crush on you,” for high schoolers in the early ’00s. What do kids do now? Just make mix playlists? Man, that is so much less romantic. I still have copies of some of my mix CDs from boys. When Seth comes back in to ruin the moment, Ryan asks if anyone brought food, but teenagers forget about stuff like that because they’re too busy making mix CDs, duh. They head out to get something to eat.
Just know that every single time a song plays during Season 1, I’m going to be all OMG I LOVE THIS SONG because the soundtrack to this show was my entire world for years. Marissa rides on the back of Ryan’s bike down the boardwalk, giving us some shots for the credit sequence. She covers his eyes LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT, THOUGH. I mean, nothing happens, but it could have.
Back at the Cohen house, Mama and Papa Cohen bicker about Ryan and what they should do. Mama Cohen doesn’t understand why Ryan is so important to Sandy, but he just thought he could help him because he’s the sweetest surrogate parent ever. This conversation is interrupted by a phone call from Jimmy Cooper who asks Mama Cohen if she’s free for lunch. She agrees, as Julie Cooper storms into Jimmy’s office and tells him that China the pony is sick and needs to go to the vet. Is there not a warranty on those things?? She literally bought the thing fifteen minutes ago! (L: A+)
Diner of Misfit Teenagers. Ryan tells the other two that his mom had a boyfriend who let him do some work in construction with him, and they broke up, but if he can make it to Texas (where the ex-boyfriend is), he can probably get a job with him and start his new life. He’ll just need an in-town job for a couple of days to save travel money. I think with Ryan’s pretty face, he could probably get himself a free ride to Texas, don’t you?
Lor: Maybe. Probably better odds if he shows dem abs. Sorry, I’ll stop eventually.
Sara: Their conversation is interrupted by Luke and his doofus friends coming in. Marissa tells the boys that she’ll handle it, and they can sneak out the back. On their way out the back door, the chef yells at them to use the front door because of course. Ryan pulls his hood up to avoid being recognized, but Seth, the klutz, bumps into a waiter carrying dishes and makes a scene. Ryan ducks out, but Luke spots Seth and calls him a queer, like WHOAAAA dude. This is southern California, you better get with the equality program. Seth mutters under his breath that at least he doesn’t shave his chest which makes Luke get all, “What was that, bro?” and you know when people start dropping bros they mean business. Seth covers that he just said he thinks Luke looks really nice in a sweater vest (LOL), but Luke gets up in Seth’s face. Being that Ryan is the best friend ever and definitely my next boyfriend, he pushes between them because nobody messes with his bestie like that.
Sweeney: Are you watching this, Marissa and Summer? Being a BFF: learn about it.
Sara: Luke pulls Ryan’s head down and gets all snarky, but he can’t top Ryan who says, “You know what I like about rich kids? *PUNCH* Nothing.” My husband laughed so hard at the silliness of this line, and I was like WHATEVER, THAT IS MY BOYFRIEND YOU ARE MOCKING OKAY?
Sweeney: I’m so pleasantly surprised that someone claimed Ryan as their TV boyfriend! My bias led me to believe that it was all Seth all the time for everyone ever. Fun! No Brandy and Monica sing offs for you and I!
Sara: LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE, LORRAINE, GOD. He’s obviously too busy being amazing to worry about what his beautiful face looks like! As Ryan and Seth run out, Seth yells that that was awesome. Marissa stays sitting at the table looking all put out that her two boyfriends were fighting. Whatever, you know she loves it.
Later at the model home, Seth is reliving the punch and asking Ryan if he thinks of Seth as a rich kid, too? “More like upper middle class, right?” Marissa shows up to tell Ryan that he shouldn’t have hit Luke because the diner manager called the cops. Their conversation is interrupted by Mama Cohen and Jimmy Cooper showing up at the home. The kids listen in from upstairs, as they hear Jimmy tell Mama Cohen that he needs $100,000 but he promises to pay her back. Awkward. Mama Cohen seems cool about it though and agrees. Before they leave, they read a quick line from the script to inform the teenagers and us that the contractors will be at the house to resume work the following day. Looks like Ryan’s gotta bounce.
Back at the Cohen house, Sandy tells Seth that he thinks they found Ryan because of the call to the police from the diner. He asks Seth to go look for Ryan with him, but Seth declines. Unfortunately for him, Sandy is the ultimate guilt machine and simply says, “Seth. He’s your friend.” Seth agrees.
Another Rich Kid House Party. Summer calls Marissa out on acting weird lately, and Marissa tries to get all quarter life crisis on her, but Summer is too drunk for that shit. Right next to them, Luke and his goons are talking about how they should find that trailer trash’s house and burn it to the ground. Also, the acting in this scene is so terrible that it circles around to become amazing. Luke says that he runs into that little punk again, he’s going to beat his ass. Marissa is obviously bothered by this comment and says she’s going to take off. On her way out the door, she tells Luke that he doesn’t know anything about Ryan. (Um, neither do you, girl.)
Cohen Road Trip. Seth tells Sandy Cohen that he understands why Ryan might have run away, because being all alone sounds pretty miserable and he’s probably run away too if he was in the same situation. Sandy makes Seth promise that he won’t ever run away and says that the minute Seth was born, he’d never take another easy breath because he’d constantly be worrying about him. “So I’m like asthma?” Sandy says that if Seth runs away, he’s running away with him. Awww.
Sweeney: JUST LOOK AT ALL THIS PARENTING AND CARING ABOUT HIS CHILD! I am so overwhelmed.
Sara: Model Home Sweet Home. Ryan is packing up his stuff when Marissa comes in and says that she just wanted to see him, especially if he’s leaving the next day. “Hallelujah” plays in the background as Ryan tells her that they come from two different worlds and they can’t be together. He white fangs her, and she runs out of the model home in tears. As she leaves, we see Luke and his goons parked right outside. They see Ryan run around the side of the house and back inside.
After the Not Commercial Break, Ryan hears a door open and calls to Seth that he’s upstairs. Unfortunately it’s not Seth but Luke who gets up in his face and demands to know what he was doing with Marissa or he’ll kill him. Them’s fightin’ words so obviously they start beating each other up and knock some candles over, starting a fire. The rest of the goons jump in to beat Ryan up, and as the fire starts raging, they all take off, leaving Ryan knocked out on the ground. On his way out, Luke pauses and then runs back up to get Ryan and drag him outside because he’s not a total waste of a human being. Aw, that actually kind of endeared me to him a little bit. He’s a homophobic asshole, but not a murderer! Good for you, Luke.
Lor: We’ve seen a lot around Traumaland, so yes, definitely: not a murderer counts for a lot.
Sweeney: It’s the little things that win our hearts ’round here.
Sara: At the Cooper house, Jimmy tells Julie Cooper that he took care of the problem he mentioned earlier, and she’s stupidly like, “Whatever, cool.” Marissa comes in, crying like the drama queen she is, and Jimmy goes to her room to hug her and ask what’s wrong because they tell each other everything. Marissa sarcastically asks if they do, and Jimmy looks a little concerned.
Cohen Family Road Trip. Sandy Cohen gets a call and sounds concerned.
Another Freaking House Party. Luke asks Summer if Marissa came back, but she hasn’t seen her. When she asks why he smells like smoke, he just responds that he was hot boxing in a car with the goons, and she drunkenly asks why he didn’t invite her. (Rachel Bilson’s acting chops are not so great yet.) The goons approach Luke and ask after Ryan. It’s so weird to see the “bad kids” concerned about maybe murdering someone. Usually on teen shows, the bad kids are SO BAD OMG! that they don’t give a shit about murder and stuff.
Sweeney: These “bad kids” are also rich, so they can only be kind of bad. Not like poor bad kids who are 100% bad with their unseemly poverty and stuff.
Sara: Model Home Sweet Home. The Cohens are all at the model home that is now partially burnt down. Cops tell them that it looks like someone has been living in the home, and Seth finally admits that this is his fault. Out on the road somewhere, Ryan is trying to hitch a ride and someone pulls over. When he approaches the car, it’s Luke minus the goons. He asks Ryan where he’s going, and also tells him to STFU about what happened and they’ll both be out of trouble. Ryan hops in to Luke’s confusion and tells him that he’s at least giving him a ride considering he almost got him murdered and all.
Cohen house. Sandy Cohen asks Seth what he was thinking. Seth just wanted Ryan to stay and Ryan wanted to stay, too, so he figured out a plan. He’s upset that he finally made a friend who wasn’t like everyone else in the O.C. and then his parents just kicked him out. Sandy sighs and tells him that he did the best he could, and Seth says that he did, too. They go outside to talk to the police.
Just as the cops tell Seth that he needs to tell them the truth, Luke’s truck pulls up. Ryan gets out, apologizes to the Cohens, and presents himself to the cops to be arrested BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A GOOD KID. As the cops put him in the car, Luke says that it was just an accident and admits that he was there, earning himself a spot in the cop car next to Ryan. Sandy Cohen tells the cops that he’s the boys’ lawyer and expects them not to ask any questions until he gets there. The cop car pulls away, and I am pleased to tell you that I am already sucked in enough to force my husband to finish watching the rest of this season with me. Poor sap.
Next time: It’s Casino Night! I’m not sure what that means, but someone is bound to get drunk in The OC S01 E03 – The Gamble.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
