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Democracy Diva: We open in Havana, Cuba. Funnily enough, it looks a lot like Neptune, except with horses. Duncan is spending some time there to grow an ugly beard hide out for awhile.
Lorraine: That beard definitely looks like it’s trying too hard.
Diva: Keith has managed to track him down, while wearing a hat that makes me fully unable to take him seriously. Duncan wants to know if Keith also thinks he’s a murderer. He tells Duncan that he doesn’t know who killed Lilly, but he knows it wasn’t Abel Koontz. Duncan is all, yeah, but it also wasn’t ME, so let me grow my chin-pubes in peace.
Neptune High Parking Lot. Logan tries to run after Veronica, but Weevil gets in his way.
Weevil wisely notes that if a girl is running away from him, it probably means she’s not interested. Would that anyone else at this school understood consent so well! (S: Weevil knows the way to Snark Lady hearts.) Logan’s all, MYOB, but Weevil just warns him not to lay a hand on her the way he did with Lilly. (Did Logan beat Lilly?! I would not be very surprised, considering his family’s history of domestic abuse, but this something I need to know a shit-load more about, right now. But maybe Weevil actually meant he didn’t want Logan laying a hand on Veronica in the sex way, like he did Lilly. I don’t know.) Logan does not even want to hear Lilly’s name come out of Weevil’s mouth, and he calls Weevil trash and insists that Lilly was just using him. And Weevil’s like, “using me for sex? That must make you feel AWESOME.” But a teacher comes over to diffuse the situation before these two actually whip their dicks out for a pissing contest. (I bet Angel!Lilly is looking down on them right now, laughing her ass off that these two boys are still fighting over her a year after her death because she’s still hot shit.)
Later that day, Veronica’s having a panic attack in the shower. I’ve been there, girl. Backup starts barking, so she gets out and realizes Logan is at her door. He just wants to know what he did wrong, and she demands to know why he had GHB (liquid ecstacy) at the party that she was drugged and raped at. His whole demeanor changes as he wants to know what happened, and if she’s okay, and all the things a concerned friend should say at this moment. She replies, you tell me. Both of their faces are killing me right now – Veronica’s, as she accuses him of raping her, and Logan’s, as he realizes that’s what she’s doing. I’m already an emotional wreck and we’re not even at the opening credits yet, you guys.
Lor: We got into this a bit prematurely in the comments last recap. I really didn’t remember this scene, where it’s clear that Veronica is at least partially entertaining the idea that Logan may have raped her. That’s really rough for Logan. I do feel bad for him, but only for a few seconds because I’m really busy in this scene feeling bad for Veronica. Sorry Logan. Just say no to drugs.
Diva: He says he just got the GHB from Tijuana for some fun. “Fun like sex with unconscious people?” Veronica asks, crying. He says no, he and Luke (who Veronica saved from drug dealers earlier this season) were going to go to a rave. He wants to know what he can do for her. Veronica promises that she’s going to find out who did this to her and make them pay – even if it was him. Then she closes the door in his face because she absolutely needs a good cry-puke right now.
CREDITS BUT LIKE VERONICA I’M CRYING/PUKING DURING THEM SO I CAN’T EVEN DO MY USUAL DANCE.
Sweeney: That is the team feelsiest problem I have ever heard.
Diva: Veronica Voice-Over is trying to figure out who she can actually trust of the 100 super-popular asshole kids who were at that party. She thinks she can talk to Meg, but when Veronica asks her about the party, Meg gets very uncomfortable and won’t give Veronica straight answers. She finally admits to seeing Veronica there for a minute, but her flashback gives us some more details. Flashback!Meg sees guys doing body shots off of a barely-conscious Veronica. She wants to stay and help her, but her boyfriend insists that they leave. (S: A dude we’ve already learned was a total winner.) Meg refuses to leave her in that condition, until they see some random dude help Veronica up and walk her away. For some reason, this is enough to convince Meg that Veronica is now safe. Because Meg has never seen any PSAs about anything, ever. (L: If someone ever made a PSA about sunshine and puppies, Meg would probably watch that one.) (D: So would I, because that sounds awesome.)
Random Kane Landing Strip Or Maybe They Even Own An Airport, Who Knows. Duncan and Keith de-board the Kane family jet. Clarence Wiedman is there, because it’s totally normal for your father’s company’s head of security to greet you in your father’s place when you come home from your runaway trip to Cuba. Wiedman is contrivantly here so that Keith can be all, I’m gonna send you to prison, bitch. Keith asks Celeste about the $50,000 reward, and she’s all, no no no, I have a previous arrangement with your daughter. Seriously, lady? You’re rich enough to own a private jet. Give the fucking money to the guy who just found your son before he ended up dead in a Havanian alley. Also, an ad for a reward can be enforced as a binding contract, and Keith had no reason to know of your previous oral agreement with his daughter, whose contract is voidable because she’a a minor. BOOM, LAWYERED. (L: SO GOOD! You make me wish I knew things!) (S: I LOVE WHEN WE GET TO USE YOUR LAWYER TAG!) (D: ME TOO!) In the limo, Celeste tells Duncan to take his medication with him next time he runs away. Wow. This woman is ice cold. She probably murdered Lilly for being prettier than her. #newtheory (S: I dig this Celeste as Evil Queen theory.)
Veronica approaches Luke and is all, I saved your ass from drug dealers and now you owe me. She questions him about the GHB he and Logan got from Marissa Cooper Tijuana, but Luke insists he gave it away to Dick Casablancas. Flashback!Madison wants to know who invited Veronica to an 09-er party. Dick gives Madison a back massage, but she’s not having it. Present!Luke says Dick asked him for two doses of GHB, but it doesn’t look like he gave one of them to Madison. Because Flashback!Madison seemed quite in control of her faculties later that night, when she decided to write SLUT in giant letters on Veronica’s car.
Lor: See her vandalizing some property? Clearly not on drugs, y’all!
Diva: Right? I guess the implication is that if she was on GHB, she would have been too busy stroking her own sweater to vandalize property.
Veronica’s Office, AKA the Neptune High Girls’ Bathroom. Veronica wants to know why Madison felt the need to slut-shame an automobile, when Veronica has never done anything to make Madison angry. (S: Nor has the innocent LeBaron!) Madison says, yeah, except for when you made out with my boyfriend in front of an entire party. Flashback to Veronica dancing all up on Dick, singing “I Touch Myself,” and making out with him right in front of Madison’s face. Oh, and then Veronica made out with Casey. And, allegedly, the garage door.
Mars House. Veronica overhears her dad fighting with Wallace’s mom. Alicia says Veronica needs to stop almost getting her fired by having Wallace bug her boss’s office, but Keith defends Veronica and says she has her reasons, and she’s not your average seventeen-year-old. Alicia insists that that’s because Keith treats her like she’s forty. Veronica walks in and tries to explain. Keith insists that she leave them alone to talk, but she keeps talking over him until he finally screams at her to go to her room. She does, but not before she mutters “he bugged me first.”
Sweeney: “I’ll show you seventeen!“
Diva: Keith asks Veronica about the deal she made with Celeste. She tells him about how she agreed to look for Duncan if Celeste released Weevil. Keith says he’s sure Celeste will end up paying, she’s just being stubborn because she can. Then Keith very seriously tells Veronica that maybe she should stop working for him and get a normal teen girl job. He thinks her life might be better if she weren’t working for him. She almost makes me cry as she responds that he is the Sandy Cohen of her world, and he gives her everything she needs, and she couldn’t have gotten through this year without him. He says that if it weren’t for him, there might not have been so much terrible shit to get through.
Neptune High. Veronica approaches Aaron Samuels, who you might remember joined a cult that one time. She awkwardly asks Aaron Samuels if it’s true that Regina George’s hair is insured for $10,000, and also if she hit on him at that party, but he says no. In his flashback, it’s Dick singing “I Touch Myself” to Veronica, instead of the other way around. Instead of her throwing herself at him, she’s barely conscious, and Dick is all over her. Aaron Samuels then becomes the second person this episode to tell Veronica that if she doesn’t remember that night, she might want to keep it that way. (And I don’t believe that they’re saying this from a misguided place of ‘ignorance is bliss.’ They just don’t want to be implicated in whatever criminal activity happened that night. Because they’re assholes. With good lawyers.) (L: Who might fear Wrath of Veronica more than the law.) (S: The ones who are good at TV should, at least!) Flashback!Veronica is telling Dick that she wants to go home, but he and the other Brogans (Sean and Dick’s brother Beaver) are literally pouring shots down her throat. It’s absolutely horrifying to watch. They’re trying to get her to make out with Shelly (the girl who threw this party, I think?), who is currently writhing around on Veronica’s lap.
Back in the present tense, Veronica apologizes to Wallace for having him bug Kane Software for her. She would never have done it if she knew Alicia was going to get in trouble for it. Wallace says that he never asks Veronica why he’s doing the favors she has him do, because he knows she’d never tell him anyway. And he’s okay with doing these things for her, because they’re friends. But he’s not friends with Logan Echolls, who used one of the absence slips Wallace managed to acquire for Veronica. She insists that it was a work thing, and she needed Logan to tie up some loose ends and not be waiting for her on a boat with champagne. But I’m distracted because the makeup artists did a truly awful job attempting to cover up Wallace’s acne. This poor kid would look a hundred times better with pimples showing than he does in whatever pancake they slapped on his face.
Neptune High of Constant, Very Informative Flashbacks. Veronica stares down Sean Friedrich, and sarcastically invites him to join her girl-on-girl action with Shelly. He panics and insists he wasn’t the one feeding her drinks – that was all Dick. Flashback to Dick carrying an unconscious Veronica into the guest bedroom as Sean and Beaver watch. Dick is humming the wedding march, so I’m going to need to pull a Veronica and take a quick vomit break. (S: That was about our reaction the last time we covered drugged up blondes in pretty white virginal dresses with weird rapey marital connotations! File that under “things we wouldn’t have guessed we’d cover more than once but also we should have known because it’s Traumaland and obviously.”) (D: That is a big ass file, and not just because its name is so long.)
Sean insists that he should be careful not to hurt her, but Dick’s all, I’d hurt her in a heartbeat, and she wouldn’t even be conscious enough to notice. The other Brogans hope that he’s kidding, but Dick makes a gift of Veronica to his brother, assuring Beaver that she’s hot when she’s not physically able to talk. Dick actually calls her “ready and willing,” but his friends insist that no, she’s actually barely alive. Dick tosses Beaver some condoms – because they don’t know where this slut has been, of course – and he and Sean leave Beaver alone with her.
Present!Sean insists that he didn’t actually do anything – he’s just a bystander. This reminds me of a passage from A Song of Ice and Fire where someone insists to Robb Stark that he never committed treason, he was just the look-out. Robb says, cool, he’s the watcher, so execute him last – that way he can watch the others die. I feel that this would also be a satisfactory punishment for Sean.
Lor: I remember that from the show. Because it was a memorable line but also that was about the time we were sure Robb was doing all he could to get killed.
Diva: Truth. I could not remember whether or not that scene was actually in the show, so thanks for recalling things!
Neptune High Parking Lot of Even More Flashbacks. Veronica is literally holding Dick’s surfboard hostage in order to question him, because California stereotypes are hilarious. He first insists that he never had the GHB, then changes his story and says he did, but he didn’t give any to Veronica. If that’s true, Veronica wants to know why he carried her into the bedroom. Dick says he didn’t carry her there – he found her there. Flashback!Dick and Flashback!Casey walk into the guest bedroom as Veronica is throwing herself at Beaver and begging him to get in bed with her. Present!Veronica insists that didn’t happen; Dick responds, hey, it’s not my fault you got wasted and slutty. So she runs over his surfboard, and it’s quite satisfying, though much less punishment than he deserves.
Sweeney: Still so very satisfying, given how many unfulfilled punishments are swirling around this episode.
Lor: I loved it so much.
Diva: Now Veronica’s questioning Beaver for details. She might not remember that night, but she sure as hell recalls the next morning. Beaver insists he never touched her. Dick wanted him to, but he didn’t. He was supposed to lose his virginity that night to a freshman who ended up going home with Logan instead, so Dick brought him Veronica instead. Flashback to Dick groping Veronica’s legs and asking if Beaver he should start her off. In Beaver’s flashback, Sean isn’t standing silently by – he’s the one throwing Beaver condoms so he doesn’t get an STD from his rape victim. Beaver hurries them out of the room, pretending he’s totally down to rape this girl, but when they leave, he pulls her dress back down over her legs and asks if she’s okay. But he’s not exactly sober himself, so he runs out of the room to puke on some girl’s shoes. (S: CARRIE BISHOP!) (D: I could not even start to keep track of all the call-backs to previous characters in this episode! But TEAM LEIGHTON MEESTER.) Present!Beaver swears the last time he saw her, she was unconscious on that bed. She bitterly thanks him for leaving her there, and roughly punches him in the shoulder. I wish it had been in the face.
Sweeney: Rough shoulder punch doesn’t qualify as punishment. Surfboard crunch remains the only thing we’ve gotten so far.
Diva: At home, Veronica is doing some ritual cleaning because it’s the only thing in her life she has control over right now. Keith says he needs to find some entertainment lawyer in Vegas that he’s been searching for. He wants Veronica to stay with a friend while he’s gone, but she insists she wants to have the house to herself.
Echolls House. Aaron puts on a French accent and almost performs “Be Our Guest” to Logan over the seafood dinner he’s preparing. Logan tells his father that he’s allergic to shellfish. Aaron insists he forgot, but Logan’s like, that’s a lie. You never knew to begin with. Aaron’s all, I RAISED YOU, and Logan says really, then when’s my birthday? “February.” Aaron responds. He didn’t bother to include an actual day, or anything. And no, it’s not even the right month. Aaron grabs Logan’s arm in a semi-threatening manner and tells him to drop the attitude, because he is trying his hardest. Logan says, forget it, because I’m moving out the second I turn 18 and come into my inheritance from Lisa Rinna.
Cupcake Shop. Leighton Meester (Carrie Bishop) is working and Veronica shows up to question her. Flashback!Leighton walks by the guest bedroom and sees Veronica basically having sex with someone, and is like, ew, close the door. We can’t quite see who it is, but I’m pretty sure it’s DUNCAN.
After the not-break, Veronica arrives at Duncan’s door. She welcomes him back from Havana and immediately questions him about being in bed with her at the party. Like Veronica, he can’t remember almost anything about that night. Veronica bursts into tears and accuses him of raping her. Duncan can’t believe he’s now a rapist and a murderer in her eyes, and asks why she’s acting like she wasn’t even there. Duncan’s flashback shows Veronica passed out in bed. Duncan strokes her face as she wakes up and says that she missed him, and pulls him on top of her. Present!Veronica sobs and asks if it was so loving and tender, why did she wake up alone the next morning? Duncan says when he woke up and realized what he’d done, he had to leave. But why, if the sex was consensual? And then the bomb is dropped:
AND HE KNEW. OH MY FUCKING GOD. (S: RIGHT, THOUGH? !!!! EXCLAMATION POINTS !!!!)
Lor: IT’S LIKE THEY GAVE HIM THE BEARD TO MAKE HIS INCEST-Y CONFESSION EVEN CREEPIER. IT’S WORKING.
Diva: TOO WELL.
Duncan confesses that he knew Veronica was his sister because Celeste told him, and he dumped Veronica and tries to push her out of his life, but he couldn’t, because he still loved her. And then he had sex with his half-sister. Both of them are crying – well, the actor playing Duncan is attempting to, anyway – when Celeste arrives, and Veronica runs for it.
Sweeney: I always wonder what might have been with Duncan, as a character, had they found a better actor. The character should be so much more interesting, but any decent writing of him is regularly being dragged down by this dude’s dead weight.
Diva: Agreed. Kristen Bell picks up his slack in every scene they have together – this one in particular was only powerful because of her. Duncan just did a lot of eyebrow-furrowing.
Veronica pulls up to Wallace’s house and bursts into tears as soon as she sees him. Afterwards, they’re sitting in his bed after she’s told him everything that’s happened. This is why she keeps a lot of shit close to the vest. Wallace is totally understanding, and tells her to stay with him, and says he wishes he could do or say something to help. Veronica tells him he doesn’t have to, and that’s a good thing. And I’m crying again.
Lor: Yep. This friendship felt flubbed, you know, but they are addressing that. They never shy away from Veronica’s mishandling of her personal relationship. To see it come to a head in the form of Veronica finally coming to Wallace was sweet.
Diva: Exactly. It was satisfying to have the show address the issues with Veronica and Wallace’s friendship that we’ve been discussing a lot lately. Anyway, Veronica says she’s going to stop keeping him in the dark, and opens up her computer to show him the Lilly files.
Veronica approaches Alicia and apologizes for bugging Kane Software. She asks Alicia not to blame Keith for his daughter’s stupidity, because he’s the best and you guys are adorable and make each other happy. Alicia thinks she might have already ruined things with Keith, but Veronica insists it’ll work out.
In Vegas, Keith makes a phone to Cheyenne, who is listed in the paper as a “double-duty escort.” I don’t even want to know what that means. He asks to set up an appointment.
Cut to Veronica apologizing to Logan for accusing him. He says it doesn’t matter, all he cares about is that she’s okay. He wants to know if she found out anything about what happened that night – she doesn’t have to tell him, but he’s there to listen if she wants.
Cheyenne arrives in Keith’s hotel room and is like HI I’M THE PROSTITUTE YOU ORDERED. After some awkwardness, Keith questions her about… Abel Koontz. He’s been looking for Cheyenne (who does not practice entertainment law) for a year, because she was with Abel at the time he supposedly murdered Lilly. Cheyenne begs him to leave her out of this – she’s got a five-year-old son who thinks she’s a stewardess, and if she comes forward, she’ll be the most famous hooker in the world. She can’t do that to herself, and her child. Keith is all, but you have to, because an innocent girl was murdered, and we have to find the motherfucker who did it.
Veronica and Logan are making out outside his house. As they stumble into his living room, still kissing, the lights pop on, Aaron screams “SURPRISE!”, and basically every 09-er at Neptune High is there, with their jaws on the floor. BUSTED. After the not-break, it’s extremely awkward as Logan wants to know whether this party is three months late or nine months early. Aaron insists he’s just trying to make up for lost time. Logan takes Veronica’s hand as he walks around the party, and does not for one second take Dick Casablancas’s shit when Dick calls Veronica a skank. I’ll just give you the full gif-set because this Logan is my favorite Logan:
The first one out the door is Duncan. Logan tries to stop him, but he storms off. Madison approaches Veronica to super-sweetly ask if she’s with Logan now, and if Aaron’s going to do another movie, and here, do you want this drink? Meg sees this all happen, and warns Veronica not to drink it. This is what Madison does to girl she doesn’t like – she gives them a “trip to the dentist.” SHE FUCKING ROOFIES PEOPLE SHE DOESN’T LIKE? was my general reaction, but no, that’s apparently not what a “trip to the dentist” is. (S: That would give you some next level “good at TV” points for naming her Evil Marcia Brady, though, because that’s some pretty epic evil right there.) It’s when you spit in someone’s drink. (L: Spitting in someone’s drink is still pretty awful. Partial points awarded!) Veronica asks Madison if she spit in her drink before handing it to Veronica the night of the party. Flashback to Dick kissing Madison, who is pissed because he brought her regular soda instead of diet. So instead of drinking the drink Dick handed to her, she spits in it and hands it to Veronica. Present!Veronica tells Madison that she has no idea how much damage she caused by handing her that drink, but Madison’s all, it was just spit, calm the fuck down.
Outside the party, Duncan is trying to get back into his car but doesn’t have keys, so his solution is to beat the ever-living shit out of the car with a shovel and his entire body. Meg runs over and screams at him to stop, asking if this is because he still loves Veronica. He doesn’t respond. He just keeps on car-mutilating.
Lor: Rage rage or is this an epilepsy thing, guys?
Diva: If there’s supposed to be a noticeable difference between those things, Teddy Dunn is definitely not capable of making that happen.
Logan pulls Veronica out of the party for some making out in the pool house. He says he has to tell her something about Shelly’s party, and confesses to being right there when his Brograns were doing body-shots off of her. She says she already knows about that. But there’s more. Flashback!Duncan angrily pushes aside the dude salt-licking an unconscious Veronica, and Logan is pissed that Duncan’s being a party-pooper. Duncan insists that he leave Veronica alone, so Logan pours something into a drink, and hands it to Duncan, with an apology. Present!Logan explains that he just wanted to give Duncan the ecstasy to give him a fun night, since he’d been so miserable since Lilly’s death. Veronica tells him he couldn’t have known what would happen because of drugging Duncan’s drink, but Logan insists that this is all his responsibility, and he hates that he hurt her.
Suddenly, Weevil’s there on his motorcycle and Veronica’s thanking him for coming to get her. Veronica gets home, opens the door, and who is waiting for her on the couch? Her parents. Both of them.
What a crazy emotional roller coaster ride of an episode, you guys. Diva Snow has basically been cry-vomiting nonstop since it began. I still want to rain down vengeance on the Brogans, but I suppose that will have to wait for another day.
Lor: Just want to add that I loved all the callbacks in this episodes. Sometimes the little cases of the week throughout the series felt random or at worst a little weak. This was a great way to pull all of that together and highlight that lots of those same people who hate Veronica owe her. Big time. For her to be able to cash in those favors to finally figure out something this important was amazing.
I cannot wait until our Snow sees the season finale. See you then!
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
