Previously: Seth introduced us to Christmakuh and them chose himself in the Summer vs. Anna showdown.
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The Countdown
Coyote Rose: So I vaguely remember watching the first three episodes of the OC when it first came out and that was a long time ago, so this might be an interesting experiment. These previously on credits are doing nothing for me other than reminding me how adorable Zoe Hart Rachel Bilson is.
So the first thing I learn is Ryan is the sadist who makes his girlfriend watch a 3 hour period piece on ships. (L: Useful information. Homeboy likes broody things.) Then they talk about it being New Years Eve soon and poor little rich girl Marissa goes through the laundry list of bad things that happened to her in 2003: parent’s getting divorced, her dad went bankrupt and she overdosed. Maybe I should be a member of team heartless cow because I don’t feel bad for this girl at all. Bitch, you live in a mansion and can afford to overdose on real drugs. If I wanted to overdose when I was 16 I would have had to do it on NyQuil and Benadryl. Then Marissa jokes about not remembering what happened at Christmas, I will assume it is some alcohol/drug thing since I clearly don’t know what happened at Christmas.
Lorraine: Assuming drugs and alcohol was a good choice.
Sweeney: A+ TV watching, girl!
Rose: If that wasn’t enough to freak her poor boyfriend out, she then says the three little words guaranteed to freak any guy out. No, not “Honey, I’m pregnant,” those other three words: I love you. The look on Ryan’s face says it all. He suddenly looks like he is ready to run back to the broken home he came from. (L: A+) Marissa then realizes what she said and completely tries to back-track only for Ryan to thank her. It can’t possibly get any more awkward, so Marissa does the only sensible thing and flees the scene claiming she she has to be home for curfew.
Ryan goes in the house muttering to himself what a colossal fool he just made of himself only for some chick in her underwear to show up. She asks who the hell he is and Ryan asks her who the hell she is; I’m just thankful someone is asking this because I had no fucking clue who this character was. Apparently this chick, who is running around in Ryan’s white wife beater and volunteering to take it off for him, is someone’s sister? I don’t like her already. Does Snark Squad still give out ho suspensions? Because this chick is going to deserve a lot of them I think.
Lor: We had a little bit of a internal delima about the ho suspension but I feel pretty alright giving Haley (Kirsten’s sister) one for this. This is a boy in your sister’s house. STOP BEING INAPPROPRIATE.
Sweeney: I’m commenting days later than Lorraine and I feel it must be noted that we had an actual, live conversation. This internal debate was real.
Rose: Oh its the California song! I actually saw Phantom Planet in concert back in like 2007ish and it was funny because they were the opening act and nobody was paying attention to their set. Everyone was at the bar drinking and such and then they started playing this song and in like one mass movement everyone turned around to watch their set. It was like watching a herd of meerkats when they hear a predator. People even started singing along and cheering for a band that was being ignored 30 second prior, but I digress.
The next morning Seth wakes up Ryan from the couch and then makes a cheeky remark to his parents about “no sex in the champagne room” and I suddenly remember liking his character. I do have a thing for nerd boys. He asks his parents if they know where Aunt Haley is. Kirsten’s apparently a pretty shitty sister because she has no idea that Haley is crashing 10 feet outside of her bedroom and not in Costa Rica building churches. Clearly, this is supposed to indicate that Haley is “free-spirit” which is normally code for someone with too much money and not enough responsibilities.
Speak of the devil, Haley decides to walk down right that moment in the same white-wife beater from last night and a pair of undies. Clothes must not be a necessity in this family.
Lor: I think it’s strictly a Haley-free-spirit-no-responsibility thing. Free spirits can’t be held back by things like clothes and especially not bras.
Rose: Mom Cohen seems to be happy to see her sister, while Dad Cohen keeps making cracks about how Haley ran out of money and jumped the border. I’m totally on Dad Cohen’s side here. Sidenote: I will always imagine Peter Gallagher as the director of the American Ballet Company from Center Stage, so I’m half expecting there to be pointe shoes and leotards at any second.
Haley then asks her nephew what the plans are for New Years Eve and if he has a girlfriend. Seth tells her that “he swore off woman.” I’m willing take bets his swearing off woman doesn’t last till the end of this episode. 16 year old hormonal boy? pfft He won’t last a week. Then Haley blabs about Ryan not being able to say I love you to Marissa. Seth seems to take his buddy’s lack of a good answer in stride, which seems entirely wrong to me. Seth should be making fun of him or something. Isn’t that how guys operate?
Next we see Marissa coming out of her therapy appointment and some dark hard creepy guy is quizzing her about her resolutions. Marissa doesn’t say much and dark hard creepy guy invites her to his party at the Four Seasons. I’m pretty sure creepy guy is hitting on Marissa until he brings up a girlfriend name Natalie. I still think he has ulterior motives here though. (L: #goodatTV)
Kirsten and Haley are going through clothes in her closet. Kirsten is trying to get some straight answers about where her sister has been for the last two years. My bet is on beach side in Cabo San Lucas with a handsome Hispanic man named Enrique. At least that’s where I would be if I had unlimited money and no responsibilities. (L: And very little clothes and no bra!)
Sandy comes in talking about surfing and Mom and Dad Cohen do this thing where neither of them completes a full sentence but the other one manages to know exactly what they are talking about. Its creepy watching other people do this like it some weird hive mind thing, but I’m totally guilty of doing the same thing with my sister.
Cut to Marissa trying to convince Ryan to go to a party hosted by creepy guy (apparently his name is Oliver). Ryan brings up the awkwardness because he didn’t say “I love you,” and Marissa just gives him enough rope to hang himself. She then tells him she is going to the party without him and for someone who has a history of substance abuse and recently overdosed, this seems like a horrible idea on Marissa’s part. Can we tag this under “Sense this doesn’t any make?” (L: I got you covered! A tag that will apply to Marissa more times, I’m sure.)
Later Seth and Ryan are hanging out on the couch and Seth calls New Year’s Eve the second most important chick holiday after Valentine’s day and I have to call a bullshit here. I mean I know we all like to get kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve, but I wouldn’t consider it the second most important chick holiday. There is no way NYE tops Christmas, bitches love getting presents or even Halloween because dressing up and getting chocolate also seems to be something women like doing. What exactly constitutes a chick holiday anyways? And if such a thing exists is there man holidays? Is Memorial day considered a “man holiday” because everyone grills out or is 4th of July because they blowshit up? Either way my bullshit meter is going off the charts here.
Lor: I’m with you. It’s easy to forget that these clearly not 16 year olds are playing 16 year olds, and that’s at least the kind of BS a dumb kid in high school might say.
Rose: So Kirsten and Sandy head off to a party and then Haley gives out two 16 year old boys a talking to about getting their assess out of the house and going to Oliver’s New Year’s Eve party. She says that “the way you spend New Year’s Eve is the way you spend the rest of the year.” I have to confirm this. I spend New Year’s Eve being in bed by 12:02 and that’s pretty much how the rest of the year worked out as well. I am officially old enough to not give a damn about staying up late and getting shit faced just because its a holiday and society seems to dictate that I go out.
Sweeney: Sometimes getting old is amazing. Those times are any times that involve not wearing pants and being in bed.
Rose: Haley goads them into going to this party, and just as the boys open the door to leave it clear that she just wants them gone so she can throw a party in the house. Somehow I don’t see this ending well for Haley but I also don’t care because she deserves whatever she gets. Cut to Summer and Marissa going to Oliver’s party and Hart of Summer being entirely too excited about it. Summer then word vomits about she and Marissa are not going to think about Seth or Ryan during this party, making everyone feel uncomfortable. Oliver then stalkers Marissa away leaving Summer and ..hold I have to look up this characters name.. Anna talking about how neither of them are thinking about Seth.
Bitches please, saying you are not thinking about a boy only makes you look sad because its clear to everyone that you are thinking about said boy. Also is there any female character on this show that isn’t defined by her looks or who she is dating? Don’t any of you have hobbies or interests or some compelling factor that doesn’t make you a one-dimensional stereotype? I really hope I am missing some key character development somewhere because I am only watching this one episode. (L: No, probably not.)
Back at Casa De Cohen, Seth and Ryan are hesitant to leave because its clear Haley is throwing a rager of a party and she is not responsible enough to handle this. When a 16 year old boy questions your responsibility, you know you’ve fallen pretty far. Seth and Ryan try to decide who is going to tell Haley she can’t throw this party and ultimately this becomes Ryan’s burden to bear. Ryan goes up to tell Haley to shut this party down and we see Haley having a fight with a friend that she owes three grand too. Haley’s friend says Haley better hope Camie doesn’t show up after what Haley did to Alice. For those of you who never took high school English, this is called foreshadowing 101.
Sweeney: It’s a popular course at Traumaland U.
Rose: Haley finally storms out of the room but Ryan can’t get her to pull the plug on the party and threatens to call the cops. Haley agrees to talk with Ryan and Seth about shutting down the party and instead she locks them into the pool house. Seth freaks out about being claustrophobic which is silly as that guest house is bigger than most of the apartments I have lived in. I feel like this whole show is just one big rich kid problem after another, maybe its why I have no sympathy for any of these characters. Even Ryan who is supposed to be from the “other side of the tracks” has a bunch of first world problems. I dunno, maybe I am just have a serious case of haterade. I’m not sure.
We then come to what I regard as the best part of the episode. Kirsten and Sandy are in the car wondering if they are in a rut and when he decides they need to take more risks, he turns left instead of right and proceeds to yell at the GPS. Anyone who has ever used a GPS has had this moment, because those GPS’s are so condescending with their “re-calcuating” bullshit. You can tell the GPS is really thinking “hey you asshole driving the car, why can’t you fucking do it properly? I’m doing the hard part here anyways.”
Lor: I’ve been in many a yelling matchhes with GPS. It didn’t feel particularly like risk taking, Sandy Cohen.
Rose: Kirsten and Sandy eventually show up the party and immediately realize they are entirely the wrong place and by the wrong place, I mean a Swingers party. Its clear they both want to leave, but instead don’t because they think they are in a rut. I’m pretty sure going home with someone who is not your significant other is not the best way to fix a rut. I’m pretty sure ANYTHING is a better answer to fixing a rut than that. Kirsten talks to one of her friends who swears being a swinger saved her marriage who tells her to take a chance on this swinging thing. I’m sorry if swinging saved your marriage, you probably shouldn’t be married to that person.
Back at creepy Oliver’s party, Oliver and Marissa bond over being sober. Marissa asks where “Natalie” is and Oliver says it was long-distance and they broke up. I feel like this is one step away from my girlfriend who lives in Canada. Clearly, Natalie doesn’t exist and Oliver is harboring some big huge creepy crush on Marissa. They end up talking about Marissa’s failed “I love you” and Marissa keeps waiting for Ryan to show up and I’m pretty sure he would rather be there than locked in the guest house with Seth.
Also going on at this party is Anna and Summer both pretending they are over Seth when they are clearly not. Some other random dude tries to hit on one of them but since they are sitting together neither one can tell who is being hit on. Summer drags Anna over there and demands that the guy has to choose between them. Anna eventually lets Summer have him and leaves the party being too depressed over the situation
And we finally get to the obvious foreshadowing, when some girl name Camie shows up looking pissed and ready to beat down on Haley’s face. Haley sees Camie and flees the scene to the guest house, letting Ryan and Seth out. She needs their help to shut down this party and Ryan being the apparent only responsible teenager on this show, helps her out by shutting off the power and telling the guests the cops were coming. That’s one way to clear out a party for sure. Ryan then rushes to get to Marissa before she kisses creepy Oliver.
Over at the party of drunk adults who might all need marriage counseling, both Kirsten and Sandy look trepidatious about the impending watch grab scene. Luckily, one of them has already pulled Sandy’s watch from the bowl and stuck it in his back pocket. This is good because I can’t deal with morally ambiguous parents in a TV show about teenagers making stupid decisions and potentially wrecking their lives. Someone has to be the voice of reason in this show. The Cohen’s return home to their wreck of a house and get mad at Seth, who is so not at fault for this.
Sweeney: Given how much time they dedicate to teasing him for being a non-partying kid and grumbling about Party Girl Haley, I’m baffled by the fact that they ever assumed he was responsible.
Rose: Finally, Kirsten goes off on her baby-sister and I cheer on the couch. Haley needs a good dose of reality and that her consequences have actions and momma-bear Cohen is just the one to give it to her. She calls Haley out for being reckless, irresponsible and not acting like an adult. Haley isn’t hearing any of this and sass-mouths her sister. If I was Kirsten, I would have completely gone Sansa Stark and backhanded Haley and told her she couldn’t go to bed until she cleaned up that disaster of a house. But I’m also a heartless bitch.
Lor: I’m pretty sure my reaction was pretty much, “BUT THE HOUSE ISN’T CLEAN YET. NO SLEEP FOR YOU.” I’m not a Haley fan.
Sweeney: SAME. What the fuck was that, Haley?
Rose: It’s finally midnight and we get to the montage of kissing scenes I have been expecting since the episode began. Anna makes her way back to Casa Cohen and she and Seth make out on the bed as the balldrops on the TV behind them. Summer kisses the guy she met that night only to realize he is not Seth Cohen (um duh), who she obviously still wants to be with. Kirsten and Sandy get playful in the bedroom, I just hope they changed the sheets after Dad Cohen found a three-some going on in their bed earlier. Ryan shows up just in the nick of time to keep Oliver from kissing Marissa.
Lor: Watching Ryan run to make the kiss in time was my favorite part. There was slow motion, he was running with his mouth hanging open and stuff. It was fantastic.
Ryan finally mans up and tells Marissa that he loves her, while Oliver looks on mournfully.
And now I know why I never made it past the third episode when this show originally aired in 2003. Please tell me the character development gets better from here?
Lor: Hahahahaha.
Next time: Oliver invites everyone to a Rooney concert, which leads to big drama in So1 E015 – The Third Wheel.
The words most used to describe me are: smart, snarky, neurotic, curly, red and quirky. Gleam from that what you will. I love my silly dogs, history, the New York Yankees, fashion and driving my significant other crazy.... also chocolate, lots of chocolate.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
