Previously: Endless teenage jealousy and also some grown up dramz when Kirsten gets her drunk sister cut off from her father.
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The Rivals
Wendy: Open to Seth and Ryan walking across campus. Ryan is going on about his mistrust of Oliver. This is totally valid because with my limited knowledge it seems to me that Oliver is bat-shit crazy. (I should probably mention that I missed this show entirely so I’m almost completely a Snow). Seth is trying to be comforting but is also being Seth, whose fall back position is sarcastic and nerdy. I have to say so far my favorite thing about this show is the relationship between Ryan and Seth. They offset each other well and it does my heart good to see them fall into this friendship.
So Ryan is still going on about Oliver and says he and Marissa are fighting a lot about him. Seth states Ryan is jealous because Oliver is a rich kid with many exotic locations to whisk women off to. He also uses the phrase “Dapper Don” (really, Seth?) and all I can think of is this even though I have never watched Mad Men:
Wendy: Then he “on the other hands. . .” about the clinical depression. You would think the crazy would be off-putting to women of all ages but sadly popular media doesn’t seem to bear that theory of mine out. (S: In fairness, they met in therapy after Marissa’s own suicidal episode, so I’m not sure I’d expect them to find that such an issue.) (This is a valid point.) Seth wraps up with the options of embracing the friend or continue to fight with Marissa. He then postulates maybe the arguing can be enjoyable because of sparks and the yin/ yang aspect of the relationship. This segues into Seth talking about Anna and the fact they have all of the same interests and he wonders if he is just dating a female version of himself. I’m sure this goes back to the previous episode when Summer commented they were like siblings. Which was a pretty bratty thing to do, in my opinion.
Sidebar: As stated, I’m mostly a Snow when it comes to this show. But because I don’t live under a rock, I am aware of certain impending relationships. And I would like to say at this point in time I don’t like Summer much. Yes, she has valid reasons for her feelings, but the way she acts on them rubs me the wrong way. I look forward to seeing her character grow and will periodically re-evaluate, but right now she just mostly annoys me. There are flashes of greatness (I loved how she was such a good friend in the episode where they went to Mexico) and I look forward to more of them. I was also pretty bummed that the blossoming friendship between Summer and Anna seems to have tanked at this point. My favorite moment of the show so far was probably them singing “Thank You for Being a Friend” together. It was fantastic. –End Sidebar
Sweeney: The fact that Anna and Seth are so great together and her character gets so badly used in service of the Seth/Summer arc certainly doesn’t help. Speaking of which, there’s this episode…
Lor: In which the argument seems to be, “dating someone you get along with is SO HARD.” I’m sure, Seth. I’m sure.
Wendy: Ryan goes to catch up with Marissa and attempts to “embrace the friend” by asking about Oliver. He says he knows he’s been weird but Oliver is her friend and he wants things to be less weird. I applaud the sentiment. Good boyfriend points for you, Ryan. Marissa seems to agree because they kiss a little but are interrupted by a teacher introducing a new transfer student. Who is Oliver, because of course.
California, here we come. . .
Hallway. Anna and Seth meet up and she’s being cute trying to make plans and she wants to get comics and DAMMIT, SETH, KEEP HER. Sorry, I just really like and relate to Anna and I want her to be happy. I mean, she wrote and drew a comic book as a present. Do you have any idea the amount of work that entails and how amazing that is. . .
Sorry. Again. I have lots of comic book feelings.
Sweeney: It’s OK, giving you feels is part of her gig. She exists literally to be perfect for Seth so that somehow this magically pushes him and Summer together. Because of reasons. It’s TV romance science, Wendy.
Wendy: Hmmph. Science never was my strongest subject.
She also suggests they go to a plaza and mock people. Girl, forget him and come be my girlfriend. (Kidding. A little.) Seth tries to shake things up a bit by suggesting both muscle cars and Krav Maga. No, just no. They agree to try to expand their horizons and also stop dressing alike.
Ryan, Oliver, and Marissa are coming out of class and there’s an “I go to Harbor now” explanation for Anna and Seth’s benefit. Anna leaves after some talk about tuna melts, which causes Ryan and Seth to share a look that’s sort of adorable. Their bromance is so cute. Oliver and Marissa take off to get books since they both have a free period because they have the same schedule. Of course they do. You can’t be a proper stalker boyfriend if you have a different schedule, amirite?
Sweeney:
Wendy: I am unreasonably happy at the return of the Stalker Boyfriend meme. I’ve missed it.
Cut to fancy law office: Sandy and his non-negligent eyebrows are on the phone talking about a 16 year old boy with his third DUI. Take his license away. Not kidding even a little. I am death on anyone drinking and driving. Call a motherfucking cab. (S: PREACH. Youth Mauling Bear has been dispatched.) (L: And that’s your damn version of a Snark Squad PSA.) Jimmy walks in as Sandy is finishing his call and they banter a little about Judge Judy. Jimmy looks a little ashamed. I relate. I remember being unemployed and watching her every afternoon. Talk moves to the Lighthouse, which is the restaurant they felt they should buy after many rounds of martinis. Jimmy says it’s really not a good time for him since he stole and subsequently lost a great deal of money. Sandy tries to talk him into it with the “what have you got to lose” speech. I’m not always a fan of this mentality, but in Jimmy’s case, it’s a pretty fair point.
And now we’re at a different fancy office: Julie is following Kirsten trying to get her to do lunch or something. Kirsten calls her out and says if you want a favor, just ask. Julie asks for the interior designer job on the new house. She knows the designer they had lined up fell through because Caleb told her. She uses the phrase pillow talk and I vomit a little. Never talk to me in a way brings my attention to the fact you are having sex with my father. Ever.
Confession – I spent the first three or four episodes I watched playing “what have I seen this actor on” with IMDB open. I have had a hard time not referring to Caleb as Bradford Meade. Julie Cooper will forever be Matt and Vicky’s trashy mom who hooked up with Damon in season one of The Vampire Diaries to me. And Sandy Cohen will always be the director guy from Center Stage. Also, my first thought when I saw Summer was “Huh. Zoe from Hart of Dixie has boobs. Who knew?
Lor: I support all of that. Playing, “that guy from that thing” is my favorite.
Wendy: It really is the best game.
Patio thing at school. Seth walks up to his lunch crowd who are all laughing hysterically. All of this laughter is caused by a new guy named Danny. Seth gets awkward because he’s Seth and everyone stops laughing. In fairness to Seth, they stop laughing because he made an ER reference after Danny makes a CSI reference. Both are equally reprehensible in my eyes. New guy Danny saves the situation by telling Summer not to fall in when she mentions the bathroom. If this is the height of wit in high school, I’m super glad I’m so far removed from it.
Student Lounge (I think?) This place has a pool table. Which has nothing to do with the plot, I’m just agog over a pool table in what I think is part of the school. (S: Rich kid school is more of a country club than an academic institution.) Ryan is sitting on a couch studying when Oliver asks to sit. Ryan is not-so-subtly trying to find out why he transferred. Oliver says there was an incident but won’t elaborate. He just says he made mistakes and wants a second chance. I get very annoyed because he tried to run into Ryan and Luke with a golf cart in Palm Springs, and also he’s a lying liar who lied about his “overdose”. You do not get the benefit of the doubt, crazy Oliver. Marissa joins them and asks Ryan to come to Oliver’s after school to help him with his French even though he lived in Paris for a year. Fair enough, I took three years of German and can remember very little more than “Wie Geht’s?” (S: This is the sorest of subjects for me. I must also respectfully concede the plausibility of Oliver’s claim.) (L: French skills continue to haunt Sweeney.) Ryan declines. Oliver offers a handshake, which Ryan returns rather reluctantly. He also tells Marissa he trusts her.
Cohen house. Seth and Ryan play video games while Seth talks about Not-Funny Danny. Ryan is broody and wrapped up in his own thing, so he’s still talking about Oliver. Seth has a fairly cute “can we talk about my shit for two minutes” moment that is steamrolled by the brooder. Ryan is wondering about the incident that caused Oliver to leave his last school and Seth sarcastically suggests breaking into the file room. For God’s Sake, Seth. What are you thinking? He then more seriously says to be an adult and move on. Specifically to the fajitas Sandy is bringing out. Legit. I live in Texas and there are very few things I won’t drop for good fajitas.
Lor: Plus, breaking and entering takes so much more effort than eating delicious fajitas. I measure things in effort.
Wendy: The only effort fajitas involve is fitting into your pants after eating them. That might just be me, though. We next see Ryan riding his bike down a sidewalk to the deserted school. A security guard sees him but Ryan pulls out his ID and tells the guard he forgot a book. Sigh. Time for the B&E portion of the show. Ryan goes into the file room to pull Oliver’s records but is busted by the guard. Too bad he didn’t have a Wallace.
Sweeney: Too bad this is also not a good look on Ryan. Shady as Oliver is, Ryan’s starting to look a little crazy.
Lor: And dumb. YOU LITERALLY PASSED THIS GUARD ON THE WAY IN.
Wendy: Dean’s Office, next day. Dean is talking about the seriousness of the offense and saying suspension or even expulsion are possible. She wonders why Ryan would do this because it seems uncharacteristic. Ryan talks about not trusting Crazy Oliver and says he’s worried for Marissa. The Dean is concerned and asks if there has been anything done to warrant this suspicion. Everyone looks a bit skeptical when Ryan talks about all the time Crazy Oliver and Marissa are spending together, but start to look more concerned when Ryan mentions a girl at the old school who got a restraining order. He also talks about Oliver cutting his wrists in the bathroom because of a girl. The Dean says Oliver has gone through therapy since then and then states Harbor is known for taking in students with troubled pasts who show promise. Womp. Ryan looks uncomfortable and everyone apologizes.
Hallway. Anna is waiting for Seth with concert tickets which is the best present ever. They’re being cute until Seth spots Danny and Summer. Danny is being stupid and why is Anna laughing at this? Seth looks disgusted and I share this opinion. After they walk away, Seth grouses a little. Anna tries to get the conversation back to the concert but Seth is having none of it. Anna gets upset and says he’s jealous because if he wasn’t, he’d be happy for Summer.
Lor: I don’t know, Anna. All through this episode all Summer has done is giggle and squeal, “Oh my god! Stop it!” A true friend would be super concerned, about a sore throat at the very least.
Wendy: Lighthouse. Sandy is talking enthusiastically about possible renovations to walls and windows and whatnot. Jimmy is doubtful but the enthusiasm is contagious. No one can stand in the face of those eyebrows, Jimmy. Don’t even try.
The Sandy/ Jimmy plot about buying the restaurant might not be enjoyed as much by most viewers of this show, but it’s one of the things I like best so far. A lot of the people who watch this are probably quite a bit younger than me, and you relate to different things at different ages. One of the hardest things about getting older (to me) is sometimes you have to leave ideals behind to live in the real world. Watching Sandy struggle with his desire to be the person he wants to be in the face of wanting to live a better life is something I can relate to. Because the bills always have to be paid, and occasionally the employer who’s providing your paychecks does things you don’t like.
Sweeney: Not only that, but it’s also a bit of an identity struggle. Sandy’s job isn’t entirely about bill getting paid – Kirsten’s got that covered – but there’s something to be said for the the fact that you never stop needing to sort out questions about who you are. His job plot definitely speaks to that, too.
Wendy: Truth.
Kirsten’s office. Julie has assembled a team and is talking about design stuff. Julie dismisses the team and Kirsten tells her she’s lost her damn mind. Julie calls her Kiki and I throw up again. That is NOT all right when her father says it, and it’s really not OK for Julie to say it. Julie is trying to justify herself and neither Kirsten or I care much.
School hall. Ryan’s walking towards Marissa’s locker but stops when he sees Oliver handing her a letter. He hangs back until they walk away then goes to her locker and stands there looking shifty. Cut to. . .
Cohen kitchen. Sandy’s asking why he did it. Ryan says he’s not jealous (lie) but that Crazy Oliver worries him (truth). Sandy agrees Oliver is not to be trusted but wishes Ryan had come to him. Ryan says he knows he’s screwed up again and wants to know if they’re going to kick him out and my heart breaks a little. Kirsten looks a little sad, too. Sandy earns his non-negligent eyebrows of parenting for the week by saying that he can’t mess up so bad that he won’t be a part of the family anymore. My feels almost cause me to miss the “you’re going to wish we threw you out” addendum.
Sweeney: *cough* Gotham is also one of the options for new fall shows to bring to Traumaland. Be a good citizen, Traumateer, and vote!
Lor: End shameless plug.
Wendy: I will vote on multiple devices.
Insanely Posh Pool House – in the dark. Seth walks in on Ryan sitting alone and admits he was eavesdropping on the kitchen talk. Seth says something about Ryan learning his lesson and I laugh forever. Broody teenage boys never learn, Seth. Ryan proves my point by pulling out the letter he snagged from the locker. (S: LIKE HIS OWN BRAND OF CRAZY STALKER.) Seth wins points by asking WTF is wrong with you and telling him he can’t read it and he has to put it back. Seth leaves and Ryan looks guilty, but opens the letter.
Seth’s awesome geek room, next morning. Ryan enters and attempts to talk about the letter but Seth is having none of it. He says Oliver might be crazy, but Ryan is giving him a run for his money. Marissa shows up about that time and asks Ryan if he wants to go to a cooking class. Ryan gives a generic excuse and there was something in there about back-waxing that was really cute. I might have missed stuff because I tried to watch the scene a few times and couldn’t stop giggling.
Julie is crying in Kirsten’s office. Confession #2 – I have no fashion sense. My apparel of choice is ratty jeans and t-shirts. But the sweater Julie is wearing is truly ugly. Season One Willow levels of ugly. Ahem. Julie is listing all of the things that have gone wrong with her design plan, but Kirsten is calm and says all can be fixed. She goes to call her vendors to get something thrown together.
Anna and Seth are ordering smoothies and I’ll be over here seething in my rich school envy. Summer and Not-Funny Danny walk in and I couldn’t have any less fucks to give about this guy. I want him off of my screen. Seth tries to be nice and invites Danny over to watch Leno and I die a little inside. One moment, please.
Much better. Moving on. Persistently ringing doorbell is answered by Jimmy. Sandy is telling Jimmy about putting money down and Jimmy is looking awkward and saying he really wasn’t ready and needs more time. Sandy leaves to settle a case while grousing about waiting until they’re dead.
School Hallway. Ryan is attempting to return the letter to Marissa’s locker only to be interrupted by, yep, Crazy Oliver. Oliver blathers about the trust Marissa must have to give Ryan her locker combination. Not so much. It’s a high school locker, not the codes for the reactor. Luke walks up and diffuses the situation. Oliver leaves and Luke says something about dropping the Great Gatsby on Oliver that I have no understanding of whatsoever. Is that a phrase I’m just unfamiliar with? (S: Having been a teenager in 2003, no. Not now or then.) (So, so glad to know that) Luke also agrees with Ryan that Oliver is just there for Marissa.
Cohen house. Seth is playing video games with Not-Funny Danny and I’m cringing. Please make this stop. Sandy comes in and introduces himself and N-F Danny says something about liking him dirty and I start scouring my cupboards for booze. (L: Pretty impressive that you lasted this long! Good job, girl.) In the kitchen Seth and Sandy have an adorable moment about how not funny N-F Danny is. Sandy tells Seth he needs to find more funny friends and it’s just so cute.
Back in the living room, Danny tells Seth that Summer keeps talking about how funny he is. It’s a nice human moment but too little, too late. Seth gives bad advice to Danny and I die a little. I keep hearing how great Seth Cohen is. Which makes this worse. It’s beneath him. Seth, you have a girlfriend. A fantastic girlfriend. Please don’t be petty just to be petty.
Dean’s office. Dr. Kim is talking to Marissa about a transfer student who might be unstable. Marissa thinks she means Oliver, but no. It’s Ryan the Dean wants to discuss. I have questions about this. I’m all for protecting your students but how is this ethical?
Sweeney: Yeah, it’s super unethical. Ryan is 100% acting like a fucking crazy person in this episode, but there’s no level on which this action was appropriate. Call his guardians in or something. Just a reminder that although The OC gave us the Cohens, the rest of their fictional adults are about what you’d expect from a soapy teen drama.
Wendy: I guess some things have to be consistent in soaps. Cut to Ryan clock watching in what I thought was a library but turns out to be the detention room. When he’s dismissed he leaves to find Marissa waiting for him. She asks about the detention and he lies. She’s all, nope, bitch, I know why you were there and he starts talking about protecting her. He’s going on about doing it for her and Oliver and his issues and we now have two stalker boyfriends. She takes issue and says they’re just friends. Which is when Ryan gives her the letter and admits he read it. Marissa (rightfully) gets very upset and says the letter was for Natalie (whose existence I doubt, BTW). Oliver wanted her to read it and see what she thought. Ryan apologizes but Marissa says she can’t trust him now. Honestly, she’s right not to. The hardest thing for me about TV is remembering the characters don’t have access to all of the information I do. If I had only seen what Marissa has seen, Ryan is clearly the one she needs to worry about. We, the audience, know Oliver is nuts, but we are privy to information Marissa isn’t. She is right not to trust Ryan. I just wish I cared more about her character but so far she’s just sort of blah to me.
Sweeney: Oh, Marissa is really hard to care about, but I CAN’T EVEN WITH HOW FUCKING CRAZY RYAN’S BEING THIS EPISODE. I remember the Oliver plot, but I must have blocked out or, worse yet, not even questioned what a lunatic he turned into over this.
Lor: I think the show banks on how crazy Oliver is supposed to make you, as the viewer. I don’t condone Ryan’s behavior, but I kept expect him to find SOMETHING that would end the Oliver plot. JUST END IT. I think that sentiment dilutes the fact that yeah, RYAN IS ACTING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.
Wendy: He is scary levels of crazy. No matter how #meh Marissa is, she doesn’t deserve one crazy boyfriend, much less two.
Cohen Kitchen. Sandy and Kirsten are being married and talking about their respective Cooper situations and it’s cute. Seth comes in wearing a scarf and I get confused. Is this a thing in California? People here don’t wear scarves very often, and men almost never do. Because it’s 150 degrees Fahrenheit about 2/3 of the year (slight exaggeration). Ryan walks in and tells everyone about the breakup and there are a round of sad looks.
Kirsten’s office. Julie is pacing and being anxious. But Caleb comes in and says he loves what Julie did and hires her. Julie beams, Kirsten looks a little ill.
School Hall. Summer is complaining to Seth about N-F Danny who walks by air-humping some random guy and will he never leave my screen? I might need more hedgehog pictures. Summer says she is going to end it and laments that she’ll end up bitter and alone. She has a good moment and I like her a little more.
Anna joins them and is wearing the same scarf as Seth. Seriously? They talk briefly about lunch, then Anna starts to walk away and Seth pats her on the head and I want to punch him in the face. This is your girlfriend, not your dog. Seth invites Summer over if she ever wants to watch some Jon Stewart and my cats are running away because I am screaming “Your girlfriend is fabulous” at my TV by this point. Seth walks away and Summer watches him wistfully for a minute.
Exterior of School. Ryan is also watching Marissa wistfully, but she is talking to Oliver and sad acoustic music is playing.
Lighthouse – Or the Restaurant of Second Chances. Sandy is trying to talk the owner into giving him more time when Jimmy walks in. Jimmy is still anxious because of his legacy of failure but signs the papers anyway. Restaurant owners they be now.
Lounge with Pool Table. I will never get over this damn pool table at a school. Oliver approaches Ryan and Ryan apologizes for being crazy. Oliver says you think I came here just because of Marissa? Then he starts the Marissa gets me and totally understands me speech and tells Ryan he never would have met Marissa if it hadn’t been for Ryan. He tells Ryan you can’t fight fate so of course Ryan starts punching him and Marissa walks in when Ryan is being dragged off by classmates. Credits.
Lor: WOW. It’d been like… entire episodes since Ryan punched anyone. Way to play fast and loose with the establishing principles of this show, Show!
Wendy: Final Snow thoughts. I am enjoying the soapy over the top aspect of this series, but this episode wasn’t one of my favorites so far. It dealt a lot with Marissa, who I’m pretty “meh” about at this point. I love Seth and Ryan together, but I kind of hate how Seth treats Anna. I also don’t like the fact that it will be revealed at some point how awful Oliver is, which will make Ryan look like he was right. Ryan is right, but he’s also being creepy. Part of that I’m willing to chalk up to teenage drama, but creepy is creepy.
Sweeney: YES TO ALL OF THAT. It’s not really as fun getting mad at decade old shows as contemporary books, but the promise of a vindicated Ryan is making this whole episode sit uneasily with me. But! At least in the context of this episode, Marissa reacted as she should have to his stalking, so that’s something.
Wendy: Yep. Hopefully it plays out in a way that’s not too repugnant.
Thanks again for letting me be a guest, Ladies of Snark. It’s been an honor to write a post for a site I enjoy so much.
Distributor of cute animals. I'm both a freak and a geek who lives in Texas. I love reading, pop culture, comic books, and making people happy. Music owns my soul. I have very little patience for mean people.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
