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Democracy Diva: We open with Dawson and Joey making out on a blanket, which appears to be located adjacent to a sidewalk. It’s a less than ideal location for sexytimes. Joey wants to stop because it’s cold, and I’m like, girl, you are not allowed to even talk about the weather on this show because it DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. (K: A+, girl.) Dawson thinks the location is beautiful and romantic but she’s like, ew, bugs, and also, let’s go indoors please. She calls him cheesy, but also “unbearably sexy,” so I’m gonna need some brain bleach before the credits even roll. They make out, and this scene was totally unnecessary.
After the credits, Mitch and Dawson are discussing Mitch’s meeting about buying a property. His meeting is with Tamara Jacobs, and look, here she is! That’s why she’s back in town wearing dramatic sunglasses, you see. God forbid you hire a broker to sell the house in the town that you had to flee because you statutory raped one of your students, Tamara. No, you definitely need to go back there yourself. That makes total sense. Anyway, Dawson is understandably awkward that Tamara is back in town for a few days.
Kirsti: The really funny part is that it’s not even a house. It’s a warehouse. An empty warehouse. Which mostly makes me wonder why the hell a high school teacher decided to buy an empty warehouse in a small town in Massachusetts. I guess English teachers aren’t that great at business stuff, because that is a terrible plan.
Diva: I think I assumed it was a house because how could she afford a warehouse in addition to her home on a public school teacher’s salary? But whatever, show. Contrive away.
Capeside High. Dawson tries to tell Pacey that Tamara is back, but Andie shows up before they can talk. Then they all have to run to class, so, looks like Pacey will just have to be surprised! These poor bastards, not yet having access to text messaging, which would solve this problem in no time at all. (K: TRUE. But how do you react to a “Hey, remember your 40-something year old ex? She’s back in town” text?) (D: I don’t know, but I bet there’s an emoji for that.) Elsewhere at school, Joey tells Jack that he has the day off from work, because Bessie’s sitter canceled so she’s home with the baby, and Joey has other plans. Jack insists that he can open up the restaurant himself; she’s like, no, you’re a hot mess, but finally she agrees.
In the cafeteria, Abby is literally throwing money in Jen’s face for no apparent reason. It’s allowance time and she wants to spend all this vaguely fake-looking money ASAP. Jen is too sad for that because of Dawson, and Abby is like, SHUT UP HE IS THE ACTUAL WORST. Jen is also moody because she used to click with the Dawson-Joey-Pacey gang, but now she’s on the outside. Abby says, fuck it, they’re all boring anyway, and that is 2/3 true. (Pacey, obviously, is the other 1/3.) Abby convinces Jen to come out of hibernation for some serious shopping.
Pacey and Andie are in a classroom, where he’s making fun of her movie choices. Until he gets to Dumbo, because that is one of his all-time favorites. Andie is incredulous, particularly at the fact that he cried the first time he saw it, but he insists it’s awesome. It’s clear that this small fact makes Andie see Pacey in a whole new light. He asks her to walk around downtown with him, and no, he’s not kidding. She smiles adorably and faux-casually agrees. Can the whole show just be these two for a while, please? #paceyscreek
Laura, the interior designer-but-maybe-actually-architect from the last episode, is giving an art lecture. Joey and Dawson are there; she looks ridiculously beautiful, and also very interested in the subject. He is less than impressed. When they leave, Joey gushes over how great it was, and Dawson poo-poos the entire concept of abstract impressionism. He is clearly in the Jack Donaghy school of thought. (“We know what art is! IT’S PAINTINGS OF HORSES!”) (K: A+.) He dismisses any art that isn’t specific and to the point. Anyway, Laura invites them to a beginner’s art class she’s teaching the next day. Dawson says he has work (wait, Dawson has a job?), and Joey says she’s no artist. Laura says all she needs is enthusiasm. LOL. So maybe Joey is not the right person for this class.
Pacey and Andie are out on their walk of adorableness when of course, they run into Tamara. Pacey and Tamara gaze into each other’s eyes broodingly as she introduces herself to Andie. Nothing of importance is said, but everything is said SUPER-DRAMATICALLY. When Tamara walks away, Andie asks if Tamara flunked him. Well, yes, if you take away the “L.” Pacey can’t deal with all his feels, so he runs off and ditches Andie, and it sucks.
K: SO MUCH. I mean, I get that seeing your pedo-y ex would bring up a lot of feelings and you don’t really want to explain those feelings to the girl you maybe-kind-of like. But don’t just make a half-arsed excuse and leave.
Diva: At Laura’s art class, she notes that Joey has been hiding her artistic genius. Joey is predictably self-deprecating, but Laura insists Joey really does have a gift. Joey says she wanted to be like her mom, who was an artist. Laura asks why her mom stopped being an artist, and Joey explains that she didn’t – she died of cancer. Laura’s face falls and she apologizes, and Joey starts to open up about her mom a little bit, and it’s actually really sweet. Joey still doesn’t believe she really has talent, but Laura insists that she shouldn’t let her potential go to waste.
Leery Manor. Andie stops by in a pair of overall shorts, because the 90s were terrible. She unconvincingly pretends she’s there to talk about the English homework, but obviously she just wants to know if Pacey likes her. Dawson says that Pacey hasn’t mentioned anything to him, but that doesn’t mean Pacey’s not into her! He suggests that Andie tell Pacey how she feels, and she’s all, ew, no, he’s obnoxious. Dawson says that obnoxious-ness is his attempt at flirting, which makes Andie happy, and she leaves.
K: She’s so adorable. But I really can’t get over the fact that Meredith Monroe was 29 during all of this…
Diva: Jen and Abby happily sit down to a post-shopping-spree lunch. Jen explains that she left New York because she couldn’t handle being the bad girl anymore, but she’d rather be the bad girl than be depressed. This is worrisome to normal human beings, but Abby thinks this is totally awesome. Abby is a fun character, mostly because she hates Dawson, but girlfriend is not 100% right in the head. (K: Completely accurate description of Abby) Anyway, she spots a super-hot-but-way-too-old-for-them dude at the next table. Jen is like, uh, he’s ancient, but Abby insists that means he might be almost mature enough to handle her. Abby just sort of hollers at him from their table and asks his name and it’s awkward.
K: OH MY GOD, SO AWKWARD. GIRL, NO. Although I can buy teenage girls doing something like this, so I guess there’s that…
Diva: She invites him to join them for lunch, and insists that they don’t bite unless they are asked to. (Ugh. Girl, I’m embarrassed for you.) He declines, because he has to go shave his hands get down to the docks, since he’s a fisherman. No fisherman in the history of the universe has ever looked like this Abercrombie-looking-motherfucker, but, okay, show. Abby tells Abercrombie Fisherman her phone number – he’s not writing it down, or anything, but this doesn’t seem to concern her. He asks for Jen’s name, and says it was nice to meet her. (But not Abby. Because Abby is a full-on weirdo in this scene.)
Elsewhere, Dawson sneaks up on Joey, who is sketching away. He laughs at her for drawing a bowl of fruit, because he’s an asshole. He wants to see her sketches, but she refuses, because he’s not taking anything she does seriously anyway. He says he likes the idea of her with an artistic hobby, and jumps on the table to prove how serious he is. This scene probably explains why Tom Cruise thought it would impress Katie Holmes if he jumped on Oprah’s couch in order to proclaim his love for her. (K: Excuse me while I laugh forever and ever.)
Anyway, Joey wonders why filmmaking is Dawson’s career and life’s work, but art is just her hobby. He word-vomits that he knew that was the wrong word, but Joey bails, because Dawson is doing that thing where he’s convinced he’s being totally sweet but he’s actually being a dick.
Dramatic Pacey approaches Dramatic Tamara, dramatically. THIS IS ALL STUPID. PACEY, GO OUT WITH ANDIE INSTEAD. He felt their greeting yesterday was awkward, so he wanted to come by. Tamara says it was supposed to be awkward, and so is this meeting. Well, good, because I certainly feel awkward! Anyway, she dramas about how this is like a Pinter play, where people are silent because they have too many feels. Ugh, what an obnoxious English teacher reference to make. (Also, I should probably confess that I learned who Pinter was because he’s referenced in “Ladies Who Lunch” from Company.) Pacey wants to just stay there silently for a few more seconds, so they do. Pacey asks who Pinter is before he leaves, and Tamara just condescendingly tells him to stay in school. Or listen to more showtunes performed by Elaine Stritch.
K: This whole scene was so stupid. They clearly brought Tamara back just to create tension between Pacey and Andie’s budding possible-romance, but then didn’t know how to have the characters interact. So the writers just dumped any old crap on paper and told the actors to stare intently at each other.
Diva: That is exactly what happened.
Leery Manor. Dawson tells Mitch that Joey’s art obsession is making her go crazy. Seriously, dude? First of all, she went to one art class and drew a bowl of fruit. That’s not exactly an “obsession.” Second of all, how do you define “crazy”? Do you mean that she rightfully got angry with you for not taking anything she does seriously, because you are a selfish giant-foreheaded monster who thinks only of himself? If so, yup, totally crazy! Mitch says that erratic behavior from women (ugh) usually means it’s about something different, and he should find out. Mitch exits as Pacey enters, being all, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME TAMARA’S IN TOWN, BRO. Dawson says he tried, but Pacey explains that he’s not over her and he needs help.
Dawson, in a rare moment of wisdom, says that he wants to support his friend, but this is a super-terrible idea. His “relationship” with Tamara was a disaster, and he should go for one of the girls his own age who like him. Pacey says, like who? Dawson won’t say, but Pacey insists, and Dawson immediately gives in and says it’s Andie. Way to keep that secret locked down, buddy. Pacey says Andie hates him, but Dawson says, nope, that’s actually a crush. Pacey notes that Andie is a girl, while Tamara is a woman, and Dawson is all, YEAH AND YOU SHOULD BE WITH A GIRL BECAUSE YOU’RE SIXTEEN.
K: I can’t even with this episode. Let’s just automatically put it near the bottom of the rankings, shall we?
Diva: I already mentally noted to remember this one for the bottom-of-the-barrel of the ranking post.
Icehouse. The place is empty, so Joey asks Bessie if she can leave to go to an art exhibit. Bessie says sure, but insists that she take Jack with her. Cut to Mitch looking at Tamara’s property. She says she’s eager to sell quickly, and he asks why. She thinks they both know why. Then things get increasingly weird as Mitch recalls that there was some scandal with a student. She says, yeah, something like that, and goes back to talking about the building. She then says that Mitch is no stranger to scandal either. He says, “if you mean my wife fucked her co-anchor, then yes.” Wait, why is this public knowledge? I mean, I know Gail and Bob were hilariously terrible at hiding their affair, but who else would give a shit about this besides the Leery family? Why are these two near-strangers awkwardly discussing each other’s biggest life problems?
Abby and Jen are on the docks, searching the hundreds of boats for Vincent the Abercrombie Fisherman. Jen insists they’re never going to find him, and hey remember a thing called statutory rape, but Abby doesn’t care about that. I DO, THOUGH.
Cut to the art exhibit. Joey assumes Jack doesn’t know anything about art, but he actually is informed and passionate about expressionism. He thinks this particular artist is a genius, and very emotionally effective. Joey just stares at him, and then they banter about how he’s the world’s most terrible waiter. Jack insists he’s awesome, and I giggle, because he is just so damn cute. But then Joey goes too far and calls him a walking sight gag, and he gets offended. Jack notes that shallow people (read: Dawson) might think these abstract pieces of art are meaningless, but he thinks they’re powerful and intelligent. She apologizes for assuming he’s just the comic relief character in the story of her life, and he tells her that she ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
K: Have we talked yet about how much I love Jack McPhee? Because I really love Jack McPhee.
Diva: Me too!
Anyway, Jen and Abby finally track down Abercrombie Fisherman, who is of course shirtless. Abby invites AF out for drinks, but calls him a “laborer,” because rich girls can be idiots sometimes. She insists that she loves “laborers,” because they’re good with their hands, and I’m just cringing so hard. He straight-up tells her he’s not interested in “playing blue-collar pin-up for some oversexed condescending teeny bopper.” Ouch, but also, ACCURATE. Abby storms away, but Jen walks over to Abercrombie to apologize on behalf of her very stupid friend. He jumps off the boat onto the dock and stands uncomfortably close to Jen.
He says he doesn’t like Abby, but he does like Jen, and he’d like to take her out sometime. Without Abby. Abby’s like, can we get the fuck out of here please, and so Jen leaves, and Abercrombie thanks her for coming.
Joey and Jack leave the art exhibit, and he wants to see her drawings. He tells her to draw what she loves, what inspires her, what’s important to her. When Dawson arrives, Jack decides to take off, because he is smart and knows that Dawson is the worst. Dawson wants to check out the exhibit with Joey, but she’s just leaving it. He still wants her to take him through, but she says it’s okay that this art thing isn’t interesting to him. Dawson insists that he wants to be there with her, and he doesn’t understand what she’s upset about. She says she’s upset because nothing has changed, and their relationship is the same as it always was, and she’s getting tired of it.
Tamara’s Almost-Sold House of Sex Crimes. Pacey arrives to tell her that he did some Pinter research, and he’s all about subtext. Tamara tells Pacey that words have always gotten them into trouble. But that’s not true – statutory rape got them into trouble. Pacey insists that he is over her, that he’s fine and he’s grown up and he’s going to be okay. He starts to leave, but of course they have to make out passionately instead, because this episode hates me.
Diva: After the not-break, they’re still making out and I’m still cringing. They FINALLY stop, and Tamara says he should leave. He wants to know if she misses… teaching. She says she does, very much, and he breathes this sigh of relief that just makes me feel so sad for him. He misses her teaching too. He gets a little teary and I get Paceyfeels even though I hate this plot line. I understand that the show needed a roadblock between Pacey and Andie, so they didn’t get together too quickly, but why this roadblock? Why this statutory rapey roadblock?
Capeside High. Jen is trying to suck up to Abby, who is so not having it, and basically scream-cries at Jen for stealing Abercrombie away from her.
K: SERIOUSLY. I’m 31. That actor was 31 when they filmed this. And I still look at him and go “Ew, creepy old man” not “Helloooo tasty man candy”…
Diva: Joey runs into Dawson and wants to talk. He says he feels like he can’t say anything around her without her blowing up. THEN MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T BE DATING. Joey has been thinking about how to make him understand why she’s pushing him away, but she insists that she doesn’t really know. Possibly it’s because he’s an insufferable douchebag; that’s just my guess. Anyway, she explains that Dawson is important to her, but so is her art. He says he’s glad she has that, but he doesn’t want it to affect their relationship. Joey confesses that for too long, Dawson has been her entire life, and she’s had no interests outside him. Someone told her to draw what’s important to her, and all she could draw was someone that sort of looked like him.
K: At least the forehead is sufficiently large?
Diva: Truth. Any-forehead, Joey she hates that Dawson is the only thing that matters to her. She needs something else too, because if she lost him, she’d have nothing. Dawson insists she’ll never lose him, and he just wants her to be happy. Joey tells him she doesn’t know whether or not she wants to push him away. They hug and are teary and boring.
Pacey is walking around town when he sees Andie in a restaurant and smiles. He goes in to sit with her and takes a bite out of her burger. She can tell immediately that Dawson told him about her crush, but Pacey insists he has no idea what she’s talking about. Andie insists her crush will totally pass. Probably. Maybe. She thinks. There, poof, it’s gone! Pacey gives her his best Sally Field impression, and Andie asks him to stop torturing her. He says he can’t. He spies Tamara out the window and Andie says, don’t you know her? Pacey responds, in the most overly-dramatic way possible, “I did. Not anymore.”
K: Of course he does. Of. Freaking. Course. All I have to say on this is “Thank God this episode is over.”
Diva: YUUUUP.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
