Dawson’s Creek S02 E11 – Whodunnit?

Previously: Jack got an awkward boner, Dawson held auditions for his shitty movie and climbed in Jen’s bedroom window, and Pacey and Andie were adorable.
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Sex, She Wrote

Kirsti: We pick up with the aftermath of where we left off last time, with the three couples at their respective locations. Joey thanks Jack a little awkwardly for posing for her. A pantsless Jen tells Dawson that his arrival was “an unexpected encounter.” Pacey and Andie kiss sweetly by the Witter Mobile. Jack asks Joey if she has any regrets, and she shakes her head. They kiss. Dawson tells Jen he’ll see her tomorrow and kisses her on the forehead before leaving. Pacey and Andie continue to be adorable before she heads inside. Jack leaves. The zoomy cameraman shows us Joey’s “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS” face. Then Pacey’s. Then Jen’s.

I DON”T WANNA WAIT. (D: FOR THIS EPISODE TO BE OVER, OH I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW – WHO GOT LAAAAAIIIIID!) (K: NGL, I laughed so hard at that I nearly fell off my chair)

After the credits, everyone’s looking bored in class as Dawson shows a clip from an old movie and does a presentation. He wibbles about how both literature and film rely on all the characters involved being gathered in one room for a whodunnit discussion because contrivance demands that we be informed in advance of the direction this episode will take. “You never know when a mystery will find you,” he finishes. Cranky Teacher (remember him from the All Nighter episode?) sarcastically thanks Dawson and asks Abby to do her presentation on the mystery genre. Is that something you would actually study in English at an American high school?! CONFUSION.

Democracy Diva: First of all, no. This is not the way English class works. Second, Dawson’s presentation ends with a sound effect of horror-movie screaming, because ugh, he so would do that.

K: Indeed.

In predictable fashion, Abby hasn’t done her project. She makes up some bullshit story about her dog dying from chocolate laxative overdose, but I’m too busy being distracted by the fact that her cardigan features a pattern that looks like the lovechild of a jellyfish and a hot dog with a side of lima beans? TELL ME WHAT THAT PATTERN IS, GUYS. I HAVE NO IDEA.

Diva: Double-sided penises?

K: With lima bean balls. Excellent.

Cranky Teacher tells her that he’ll make sure she gets an F if she doesn’t submit her assignment. The bell rings and everyone heads out, except Chris who spots a folded piece of paper on the floor. He picks it up and reads it.

In the cafeteria, Joey and Jack are awkward around each other. At a different table, Andie macks on Pacey and he informs her that the cafeteria isn’t an appropriate place for such shenanigans. At a third table, Dawson sits down next to Jen and hands her his new and improved script. He informs her that he’s changed the script so that Not!Dawson does get to have sex, but it’s not with Not!Joey. It’s with Not!Jen, who Not!Dawson has a secret crush on. This movie sounds terrible. Just saying… Jen looks awkward.

Across the cafeteria, Abby’s informing us that this episode took place pre-Columbine: “If I had a gun, Mr. Peterson would be dead!” she rants in front of students and staff. (D: Yeah, that was a pretty fucked-up thing to say, even from Abby, who is the queen of saying fucked-up things.) Chris asks if she had sex the previous night, and she’s all “The fuck?!”. He hands over the note he found and Abby reads it aloud with glee: “I want to talk to you about last night. It always comes out wrong so I thought I’d write it down. The whole night was amazing, but sex changes everything. And I think we should take some time before anything happens again.” Conveniently, neither of them recognise the handwriting, but they know it’s someone in their English class.

Jack asks Joey how her sketch ended up. She starts to show him, but he’s all “DUDE, NO” because posing naked is one thing but the whole school seeing it is another entirely. He looks at it anyway, then furtively asks if he can keep it when she gets it back from her professor because he wants to remember everything about the previous night.

Meanwhile, Andie grabs at some pages in one of Pacey’s books. He snatches them away, saying that it’s a test he just got back and also none of her business. She asks in confusion if he got a bad grade or if she’s done something wrong. She brings up the previous night but he refuses to talk about it, saying he has to study. Andie looks hurt.

Dawson and Jen have the “are you okay?” “Yeah, are you okay?” post-whatever conversation and declare themselves to be “friends or whatever“. (D: Thanks for clearing that up, guys. Super helpful.) Abby, meanwhile, informs Chris that she’s going to use the letter as her assignment for English class, solving her own real life mystery. Chris is all “It could be anyone”, but she insists that there are only three real possibilities: our main players. She tells Chris she needs his help videoing the whole thing, and he’s all “LOL NOPE” until she says “I’ll let you touch me in bad places…“. I make this face, because OBVIOUSLY:

Diva: There is no other possible face that could be made.

K: Bless JLaw for making that face so that I can use it over and over again in Snark Squad posts.

Outside the school later, it’s pouring with rain. An umbrella-less Joey stands under cover with her sketches. Dawson appears and asks if he can see her naked man sketch. She changes the topic to his movie, and he says that he can’t find a leading lady because he can’t find anyone exactly like her. Joey looks awkward and asks if the movie is about them. He’s all “Uuuuuuuuuuuh. Maaaaaybe???” She asks if she should read it, and he says he’d never write anything hurtful about her before making a break for it as the rain eases.

After a Not Commercial Break, it’s the next day. Abby tells Chris that in Dawson’s latest rewrite, Not!Dawson and Not!Jen have sex, and that this should be treated as a clue. They should, she says, ask some questions to shake people up and see what they reveal. Conveniently, Jen walks up to ask them about their availability for filming. Abby asks her if the script changes are as autobiographical as the rest of the story, and asks whether Dawson “has any other talents besides film making“. Nope. Not a one. And he doesn’t even have film making. (D: A+) Anyway, Jen snaps that what happens in her bedroom is her business, and Abby’s all “I KNEW IT!!”. Jen storms into class, and Chris congratulates her on solving it. Abby poo-poos him though because slut shaming (UGH), and says they need to work out whose handwriting matches the letter.

Diva: Hey Abby, maybe if you stop being a total twat to everyone, you’d have a better chance at actually getting them to tell you personal things about their lives! Just a thought.

K: Cut to Pacey’s locker. Abby asks him to sign a petition to put a condom dispenser in the school. He eyerolls, but she refuses to leave until he signs. Outside, she does the same to Jack, but he refuses to sign. She asks flat out if he’s had sex with Joey, and he’s all “WHAT”. Cut to Chris and Dawson. Chris asks if he can pick Dawson’s brain about the sex scene in the movie, because it’s been so long since his first time that he doesn’t remember what it was like. “You think I had sex with Jen?!” Dawson asks in confusion. Back outside, Jack says that he and Joey didn’t have sex. But in a stuttering way that makes it seem like maybe he did.

Inside, Chris implies to Dawson that Jen told him they had sex. Cut to Abby berating Andie with her petition. She says she knows everything about the other night thanks to gossip transference – Pacey to Dawson to Jen to Abby to the planet. Andie asks what the gossip is, and Abby implies that Pacey said she was a dud root. Andie storms off.

Diva: In case you were unfamiliar with that phrase (like I was), “dud root” = “not good at the sex.”

K: Yes, apologies for the unexpected ‘Strayan. You see now, North America, why Australians laugh hysterically when you say that you’re rooting for the home team…

Chris, meanwhile, is showing Joey the new script. She says she doesn’t want to read it, but he shoves it in her backpack anyway. She eyerolls and heads out, but leaves her art folder under the desk. Chris finds it just as Abby walks in. They flip it open and stare at the picture of Naked!Jack with glee. After school, Dawson’s in the Shrine o’ Spielberg working on his script. Abby walks in and gets all “come hither”-y. He tells her that he and Jen didn’t have sex. Abby looks bummed out, and says it’s too bad for Joey because the only thing stopping her from feeling guilty about sleeping with Jack was the possibility that Dawson had slept with Jen.

Dawson says their conversation is over, but Abby pulls out the sketch of Jack. It’s all folded up, so I hope to God it’s a photocopy or that’s a major dick move… Dawson says it means nothing, and Abby’s all “Oh yeah? When did Joey last draw you naked?”. He ushers her out, she taunts as she goes, he looks pensive and pissed off.

The next day, Abby’s outfit is ASTONISHING:

Diva: The hair clips. The insane color of that shirt. The jacket. It’s just all MIND-BLOWINGLY 90s.

K: Utterly amazing from start to finish. Anyway, she tells Chris that if they make everyone think they have the answers, the answers will be revealed. “You’re Nancy Drew. From hell,” he says as he takes a bunch of letters from her and heads off to distribute them.

At the school book fair, Pacey says he needs to talk to Andie. She glares and wants to know what he’s been saying about the two of them. Pacey’s confused and Andie lets slip that Abby know about them. She snaps that if he wasn’t happy with her, he should have said something rather than spreading rumours, and says she doesn’t want to talk to him. Pacey storms off. Andie heads behind the desk at the book fair and finds a note addressed to her.

Elsewhere in the book fair, Jen and Joey awkwardly bump into each other. Jen notes that Joey has the script in her bag, and asks if she’s read it. Joey angrily says that she’s flipped through it, and Jen twigs that she’s not happy with how she’s been portrayed. Joey mentions that she’s also interested to know what else in the script is autobiographical. Jen snaps that she should talk to the scriptwriter and walks away.

Jack finds a note taped to his locker and pulls it off just as Dawson appears to be a jerkface and hand over the sketch of Jack. He coldly says that Jack should tell Joey he was “overwhelmed by her talent“. Jack’s all “Yeah, I was too” in a totally sassy way, and Dawson bitchfaces away.

Diva: This episode is 80% people giving each other bitchface, and 20% rain.

K: A+ assessment.

That night, it’s pouring with rain again. The gang gather in Cranky Teacher’s classroom and it’s revealed that each of them got a note telling them their presence was needed there at 7pm. Abby arrives, and Chris follows with a camcorder. She tells them that she has a lost letter written between one of the couples in the room. She reads it aloud and everyone looks twitchy. Joey tries to leave, but Abby ushers her back to her seat before heading to the podium. “Sex,” she begins and thunder crashes in the background. I laugh hysterically because it’s the most ridiculous thing ever. (D: YUUUUP.)

She wibbles about sex through the ages, and everyone eyerolls. Jack asks who wrote the letter. Abby says that her first thought was Dawson and Jen. But then she realised that Dawson’s “…saving himself for Joey…or old age, whichever comes first.” LOL. #accurate. She moves on to Joey and Jack, and Dawson demands to know what happened after the naked drawing session. DUDE, NO. Joey gets pissy, they bicker for like a thousand years and both scream that yes, they slept with Jen/Jack respectively, then both look hurt.

Except that then Jen speaks up. She says she couldn’t go through with sleeping with Dawson, which is totally legit. He’s a total douchecanoe. This spat, she says, makes it obvious why she couldn’t go through with it. LOL. Dawson looks sad panda-y. Jack stands up and says he couldn’t go through with sleeping with Joey either. Abby says there’s only one couple left. Andie says she didn’t write it, and Abby says she knows – she checked the handwriting and it’s Pacey’s.

Andie looks at Pacey in shock, then tearfully asks if he wrote it. He nods sadly, and she starts to cry as she asks him why. He doesn’t answer. “So you sleep with me and you don’t want me? You disgust me...” Andie says before storming out of the room. Pacey sadly tells Jack that it’s not like that. Everyone starts to file out of the room as Abby grins happily. Jen walks up to her and delivers one hell of a speech:

“I don’t know where you come from or just who has the misfortune of being responsible for your existence but you are a lying, manipulative, and cruel person and the fact that you’re only 16 years old makes me feel more sorry for you than any of the people in this room whose lives you’re so intent on destroying. You are pathetic.”

Diva: +1 TIMES INFINITY. GO JEN.

K: She storms out as Abby looks thoughtful.

  The next day, Joey delivers a speech on Agatha Christie, then Cranky Teacher calls on Abby. She pulls out her project and tape. Cranky Teacher’s all “OMG, don’t tell me you ACTUALLY did the assignment?!?!”. Our main players glare at her from around the classroom. Abby puts her folder away and says that she didn’t do the assignment. She miserably accepts her F.

Diva: I need to interrupt to point out something so beyond stupid about this scene, which is the word-search on the wall behind the teacher. The TOP LINE contains the phrase “BIG DICK.” Don’t even pretend like that’s an accident.

K: OH MY GOD. As if it wasn’t bad enough that they had ANUS written next to a teacher’s head last season. I don’t know who’s responsible for the set dressing in this show, but they are officially my favourite person ever because there is so much incredibly random and hilarious shit in the background.

After school, Jack’s sitting in an empty classroom, thinking. Jen asks if he’s okay, and he says he’s thinking about how much it sucks to be second string. She can relate, and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I’M SO EXCITED BECAUSE JACK AND JEN’S FRIENDSHIP IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS ON THIS SHOW. They bond over their mutual interest in people who aren’t really interested in them, and Jen asks why he and Joey didn’t have sex. Jack reluctantly reveals that his art boner disappeared. He says that he wanted to, a lot, but his dick just wouldn’t join the party. He wonders if he has a problem, but Jen adorably reassures him: “No, hey, it’s okay. Alright, believe me. I’ve been there. Oh yeah, those things just never cooperate.” They laugh together and I have friendship feels. (D: Me too.)

  Outside in the rain, Pacey follows Andie to her car. She tells him to leave, but he says they need to talk. He apologises for his behaviour over the past few days and says she deserves the truth. He hands over his history quiz and hands it to her. He got an A. The first A he’s ever gotten. And he doesn’t know how to handle it. His whole life used to be predictable, and now it’s not. He’s felt anxious since they had sex, wondering whether it was the right decision. That plus getting an A = freak out.

“It used to be the only comforting part about Pacey Witter is that I always knew what to expect, and now I don’t have a clue and I’m terrified. And that’s why I was pulling away from you,” he says. Andie looks feelsy. He tells her that he’s in love with her, and I squee. (D: SAME) She tells him she feels the same and they kiss.

  Back inside, Dawson and Joey awkwardly bump into each other. He asks why neither of them had sex, and she says it’s not because it wasn’t the perfect time or the perfect setting. It’s because it wasn’t the perfect person. I throw up in my mouth. They shelter together from the rain and confess that they’re glad the other hasn’t had sex. I bang my head against the desk repeatedly. They decide that they should be friends again and head off into the unrelenting rain, huddled together under Dawson’s raincoat as we fade to black.

This episode was dumb. Except for that Pacey speech of adorableness at the end.

 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: The boys go on a father-son fishing trip while the girls hang out with Gail to talk about teenage girl problems in S02 E12 – Uncharted Waters.