Previously: After 3 seasons, Ali is almost definitely for suresies alive. Maybe.
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A is for A-l-i-v-e
Sweeney: The episode picks up where the last one left off and I’m actually kind of glad we’re not watching real time because if I had to wait months to see them open the trunk for this big reveal, I’d be pissed. The trunk contents? A dead pig. That’s it. This fucking show.
Lorraine: Mother of all curb-hangers.
Sweeney: The girls start to blame Mona for setting them up, but crazy bitch actually the only one thinking smart – she’s stealing the hard drive with the video of Ashley Marin running over Detective Wilden.
Hastings House. The girls watch the news and are on edge because Rosewood LOLPD’s number one directive is harassing this gaggle of teen girls. Mona ain’t scurred, though. She’s LOLPD-proof because of reasons. The girls decide to grill her for information. She was responsible for putting Wilden’s car in the Marin garage, but she didn’t dig it out of the lake. Shanna and Jenna go way back and both girls are afraid of Melissa. Mona originally mistook CeCe for Ali because of sketchy meds or something. Lucas was the one behind Emily’s rapey massage, Toby was recruited when he got his out-of-Rosewood job, and she has no idea who pushed Ian from the bell tower. It was like a recap of the last three seasons. MAYBE THAT MEANS SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN THIS SEASON! LOL, I know better. Don’t worry.
Lor: To be fair, I was surprised they even referenced past seasons. They remember, guys. They know what they’ve put us through.
Sweeney: The girls wake up to find their evidence frenemy gone. She just stepped out for coffee. With Emily’s car, which she has an extra set of keys for because creepy. She continues to demonstrate her stalker game by presenting the girls with their hyper-specific coffee preferences. Hanna demands the incriminating chip Mona has, and Mona dodges for a bit but then says she can’t do that because it’s somehow important to finding out who Red Coat is, something they all need to know. She does agree to let them have all the stalkertastic dirt she has on them at her lair.
On their way there, the girls drive by the muddy cop car crime scene, confused by the level of police activity until they spot a corpse on the ground. The wind blows the flimsy sheet it had over it (I mean, this is still Rosewood PD, after all) and they see that the corpse is Detective Wilden.
SHHHH!
Mona and Spencer deduce that the “you’re mine now” text meant that A has a way to make it look like the girls murdered Wilden.
Out in the woods, Toby holds the lighter he was left with in the finale and watches as firemen dig through the rubble of the cabin. It’s pretty well scorched, but of course a RED COAT is found with only a little soot on it.
Lor: Of course if you were looking into stalker coats, you would find a flame retardant one. Something like that.
Sweeney: Pro-tips, future stalkers!
Stalker RV. The girls conclude that A(lison) saved them from the fire in order to set them up for Wilden’s murder. I mean, they really didn’t need to survive the night to be framed, but whatever. Sure. The point is that A is a sociopath, which is valid. Aria finds one of the A masks and concludes that Mona was on the train the night she was almost murdered. She was dressed up as Caleb, but says she has proof that she wasn’t the one who almost murdered Aria.
Mona shows the girl a video of Wilden in the Queen of Hearts costume, sans mask, talking to someone else in a costume with the mask. Mona insists that the other one is Melissa, but the video cuts out and Mona’s computer is destroyed by an A KISSES virus of some sort. The computer is ruined.
The girls hear children playing hide and seek, at least one is named Alison and another named Emily. They go out to the sound and a group of little girls who look like mini versions of them. The girls all have dolls named after the PLLs and the girls say they were a gift from “your friend Alison” who started playing with them right after Mona moved in. Were this an even numbered episode, right about now Lor would be telling you that she’s laughing and I would be agreeing. However, I find that when I am recapping these scenes, I’m too busy wondering why I’m typing any of these nonsensical, clearly irrelevant things.
Lor: You are absolutely correct. All the giggles from me because WHERE DID A FIND THESE GIRLS? WAS THERE AN OPEN CASTING CALL? WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS? NOTHING MAKES SENSE.
Sweeney: NOTHING. I still don’t understand how or why this scene happened.
After a Not Break, Hanna’s at Emily’s hanging up on a call with Mona, promising to meet with Mona that night. Emily’s still suspicious of Mona because of all the stalking and throwing cars at them she did, and Hanna can’t argue with that, but figures it’s probably better to keep Mona close, which is also a valid point. Mama Fields, Rosewood’s One True Parent, appears to say that they don’t know who killed Wilden but there were witnesses. She’s also got a basket she’s giving to Jessica DiLaurentis who has chosen now to move back to Rosewood. Mama Fields leaves to answer the phone so that Hanna can again insist to a disbelieving Emily that Alison is the one who pulled them out of the fire.
At the burnt out cabin, Spencer and Toby dig around for the red coat, which has disappeared. Spencer ignores Toby’s warnings and goes into the unsafe smoky ruins. Spencer wonders to Toby if it really was Ali – if she brought them there because she was ready to come home, but fled when she realized it still wasn’t safe. Toby agrees that it’s possible except for the part where she’s dead. I should have known that the first real revelation in ever would require at least another dozen episodes to verify. Spencer realizes someone is there watching them, but that someone flees before they can see who it is.
DiLaurentis house. Emily brings the basket over on behalf of her mother. Jessica DiLaurentis explains that Jason’s contract didn’t include a full season episode order, so he’s down south renovating grandma’s place. (L: A+) Jessica and Emily are friendly and Emily helps carry some boxes inside.
A bit later we see that this includes carrying boxes full of Ali’s stuff back up to her room, I guess to remake some sort of mausoleum to their dead daughter. Creepy.
That night, Emily talks about that creepiness on the phone with Hanna, who speculates that it’s because Ali wants her room back.
She arrives at the creepy spot where Mona’s hiding the RV and watches Mona lock the gate. Hanna expresses her concern about all the sensitive stuff being carelessly abandoned there and Mona tries to play the “We used to be friends” card and Hanna’s non-response is basically, “a loooong time ago. Before that time you nearly murdered me.”
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. It’s super late, so naturally the two assholes who refuse to let the coffee shop people close up are Aria and Ezra, there independently of one another. The tinkly orchestra of feels plays as they awkwardly wonder how you’re supposed to act when you run into your pedo-ex. It’s going to be happening a lot, because he’s been offered a(nother) permanent job at Rosewood. Like the one he had before he fell in insta-love with a girl he dry humped in a bar bathroom.
Lor: Aria basically says, “I cannot see you every day while I’m trying to get an education,” and Ezra is all, “tough.” Lovely.
Sweeney: Quality educator right there.
Hastings House. Spencer is freaking out over the paper, about all the things A is going to frame them for, but Toby’s made her breakfast and he very much wants her to eat it. There’s also the glorious return of the Spencer/Coffee OTP. As Toby gets her more coffee, he gets an A text of his own, which he lies about to Spencer.
Rosewood High School for Pedo Break Ups. Aria creepily stares at Pedzra and Emily suffers through way too much of it before trying to shut her up by suggesting she go on a double date with her friends an age appropriate blind date. Maybe not age appropriate, because Rosewood, but at least one of the many pedobears who wouldn’t be fired for dating her. While Aria moons over Ezra, she’s spotted by the principal who watches her, like he might actually be moderately concerned.
In the halls, Hanna is wearing an incredibly tragic headband with an otherwise decent outfit when she goes to talk to Mona. (L: That headband looks like it’s plotting on how to take-over her face.) She worries about A and Mona solemnly hints that she can’t take this friend-teasing. Hanna says she misses her shopping buddy and the girls agree to go on a BFF mall date, but after Mona walks away, the zoomy camerman suggests that Hanna isn’t actually interested in resuming her friendship with the girl who once threw a car at her. I know I’m being repetitive here, but I’ve blocked out too much of this show to rattle off whatever else Mona did to Hanna. Plus, that one’s kind of a biggie and warrants consistent repetition.
Lor: And the show isn’t going to remember it the way they should, so it’s like we’re compensating.
Sweeney: We’ll never forget, show!
Over the loudspeaker, Aria is called to the Vice Principal’s office. Inside, he tells her that she was given a chance to tell the truth and I’m not really sure why the fuck he’s being so aggressive with Aria when shitstain is the one who should be getting in trouble. He received an email from a concerned student and pulls out a stack of photographs of Aria and Ezra getting it on. The joy of this moment is being destroyed by the fact that Aria is the one being grilled right now. Fuck that.
BUT THEN THE DAY IS SAVED! He gets a call confirming that Ezra has been taken into custody. Aria’s confused because bad things like this aren’t supposed to happen to her pedolationship, but the Vice Principal’s all, “In this state it’s a felony for a teacher to have sex with a minor. Ezra Fitz is going to prison.”
THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED. THE NUMBER GODS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GOOD TO ME.
Aria rushes out to watch Ezra carted off in handcuffs! It’s beautiful! My favorite TV moment ever! Except that as Aria was running I remembered that a long, long time ago, someone tweeted about this little dream sequence. Regardless, I promised all those many moons ago that I would gif the shit out of it whenever I got to this magic moment. And now here we are. LET US ALL REMEMBER THIS.
And Aria’s all like:
But I’m all like:
Lor: With a little side of:
Sweeney: Unfortunately, memory served me correctly and that was just Aria daydreaming while she waited for the Vice Principal to call her into his office. I have long speculated that the writers were trolling us but it feels impossible to deny that we just got trolled hardcore. BUT THAT’S OK, WRITERS. I’LL ALWAYS HAVE THOSE GIFS.
Lor: Enjoy peddling a relationship you just recognized as a felony to shipper-tweens.
Sweeney: These writers are the fucking worst.
Anyway, in the actual scene, she’s just there to pick up some documents that Piper Mom needs to sign because she’s home sick for the day. The consolation prize for that being a day dream is that the fear of that moment is enough to make Aria text Ezra that she wants to see other people. IDK why you have to text him that, but whatever. Too happy to care!
At Emily’s house, Paige is over talking about colleges. Paige was offered a full ride to Stanford and figures that since Emily is just as good, she’s bound to get offered one too. More importantly, Paige is smart enough to realize that Stanford is gloriously far away from Rosewood and it’s merry band of stalkers and pedophiles. I’m always wary of teenagers making college decisions based on high school romances, but the rest of Paige’s logic is very sound. Emily agrees and they celebrate. She hasn’t actually applied or been accepted yet, though, so hold on a second girls. Except don’t because your happiness is adorable. Run with that.
Lor: There you go, again, remembering the bad things these characters did! I highly doubt the show was even talking about the rape.
Sweeney: Probably not. I think that was more, “I never meant to hurt you with all the stalking/harassment!” The show has a selective memory, but they’re really big on pretending Jenna’s not a rapist.
Hastings House. Spencer looks out her window and sees Jessica DiLaurentis standing in Ali’s window staring creepily at her. Spencer gets an A message on her iPad.
Glad to see you’re making use of that larger screen size, A!
The next day, Wilden’s funeral is a big to-do. Lots of news media and most of the town turns out. They notice some random lace-adorned mourner and wonder at who she is. The girls congregate outside and wonder about whether A really planted something there. Spencer’s convinced that they should poke around the casket, but the other three girls insist that this is almost certainly a set-up of some sort.
The girls go in the church, but the casket’s not set up yet. After a lot snooping, Spencer finds her way back to the room where it’s being kept, alone. Now would be a great time for Buffy to show up for some crossover magic. Instead, lurking in the shadows is none other than Mona, who says they got the same A message. A phone starts ringing and they realize it’s coming from inside the casket. They rummage around and it keeps ringing. The call log has two unknown numbers and one saved as “Kisses.” Spencer calls and Hanna answers, revealing that it’s her mom’s phone.
After a Not Break, the girls reconvene inside the church as the mourners file in. Hanna freaks out and worries that this means that her mom is A’s next target. Jessica DiLaurentis comes to talk tot he girls and let us know where her daughter learned to be the little shit she was (IS?) – “Ali would be so proud of you Hanna – you’ve really kept the weight off!” I hate every adult in Rosewood. Regardless, Jessica invites them to come sit with her, but then things are awkward because the bench is full and Mona can’t sit with them. The girls wonder some more about the lace veiled mourner.
Meanwhile, Toby’s driving WHILE TEXTING which is bad, kids.
This text sends him into an Aliback. Toby’s in the room that now belongs to Jenna, but was his back then. Ali’s poking at his model cars and trucks, which he comes to grab from her because they’re not toys. “I know you want to kiss me,” Ali says. As Toby leans in, his mom enters the room, wondering at his being home already. She’s frazzled and Toby says he’s worried that something is wrong with her. After she leaves, Ali continues to be the bitch she was, saying that his sickly mother’s only problem was being lazy. Toby tells her to leave.
Back in the present, he’s crying as he parks the RV and gets out.
Outside the church, the girls are gawking at the lace veiled mourner when a guy in a suit introduces himself to the girls as Detective Holbrook. He’s investigating the cop murders and has been reading case files, which talk a lot about the PLLs. He agrees, though, that Wilden’s notes suggest he was “unprofessional at best.” He’s confused by the girls being there, but accepts Emily’s bullshit about supporting the local police force. Holbrook adds that he’ll probably have to ask them some questions, but assures them that the cops are the good guys. You know, like he’s aware that these are teenage girls who have suffered considerable harassment at the hands of the police.
He walks away and the girls get an A text. “The truth won’t set you free, bitches. I’m gonna bury you with it. Kisses, A.” Then, just Emily received a video recording of Mona getting in and out of Wilden’s muddy cop car.
A-nonymous. A is adding a Mona doll to the doll house. We see that it’s the lace veiled mourner. She pulls the veil up to reveal one of those creepy baby masks, the side of clearly scorched.
Lor: This show wants me to move on so quickly from Mona being a gross stalker. The kind that planted a dead body for Spencer, who then went to Radley. The kind who throws cars at people. The kind who did lots of other things that really, we can’t remember. Point is, NO SHOW. I’M NOT READY.
Sweeney: #neverforget
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The girls get more evidence in the form of a parrot they almost immediately lose in S04 E02 – Turn of the Shoe.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
