The OC S01 E24 – The episode that destroyed everything.

Previously: Seth’s Nana came to town to straighten shit out.
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The Proposal

Jenny: I’m going to have to start this thing out by admitting that I have never seen a single episode of The OC. I have no idea what it’s about. I know that there was a particularly large-eyed, sad looking girl on the show, and she later did makeup commercials, but beyond that, I’m not sure what the hell it’s about. Orange county, I assume. But I didn’t bother watching other episodes or catching up in any way.

Sweeney: While we’re at it, I should inform the readers that having all of the “never seen another episode” recappers at the end of the season like this was PURE ACCIDENT. Also a lot of fun. A very fun accident.

Lorraine: We did have one or two “never seen another episode” folk specifically request a later episode though. Like they were thinking, “what is the most confused I can be? Sign me up for that.” All of the fun.

Jenny: I should also make it clear that, due to a horrendous foot injury, I will be writing this recap entirely on a combination of pills and weed. So this is going to be an adventure for us all.

The Amazon instant video summary for this episode reads “Marissa isn’t ready to speak to Luke or her mother, Julie, following her discovery that the two have been having an affair.” Wow. So, some shit has gone down. I’m not sure that I want to get wrapped up in these people’s drama.

There’s a “previously on” that explains that the big eyed girl doesn’t want to talk to somebody because he’s cheating on her with her mom? Or somebody? Is everybody sure this isn’t Melrose Place? Because it kind of looks like Melrose Place.

Sweeney: No, see, in Melrose Place they were all more of comparable social circumstances and stuff. Here in The OC, women sleep with their pubescent daughter’s ex-boyfriends. Klassy.

Jenny: Anyway, the episode starts in a movie theatre, where Big Eyes is crying, and this rugged-but-sensitive bad boy looking kid is all, are you okay, or are you crying because of the movie? And then they point out that this really snobby-looking kid who has one of those faces you just want to punch because you know he probably takes for granted everything he’s ever gotten in life is also crying, (S: WHY DO ALL THE GUEST RECAPPERS HATE SETH COHEN?) and the girl next to him who I believe is an alternate version of Selena Gomez who has time traveled to the past to be in this show is also crying. But they’re all really concerned about Big Eyes.

Whoa, wait, is that the movie theatre where Jacob completely lost his shit in that Twilight movie?

Big Eyes insists that she’s fine, and everyone is basically smothering her. And they’re all tiptoeing around the issue that’s bothering her, which is apparently: “[…] the guy I lost my virginity to had sex with my mom.”

    WHOA. That is some heavy shit to just drop into without a warm-up, guys. Who does that? Who has sex with their girlfriend’s mom? I mean, I know people do that, but it’s messed up, right? Why are so many guys into that?

Lor: These characters would have us believe the answer is, “because hot mom is hot.” As to why SHE would do that to her daughter, it’s because, “Julie Cooper is batshit crazy.” As to real world answers: I don’t know. Is this the part where we start apologizing for asking you to watch this? Probably too soon.

Jenny: We cut to a douche-looking guy with hair in his eyes. Cut your hair. Or get a barrette. Dudes with little barrettes in their hair were totally acceptable in the 1990’s. This isn’t the 1990’s? Sorry, I forgot this wasn’t Melrose Place. Just fix that hair. Do anything that will keep me from blowing on my screen in the hopes that your bangs will move off your face.

A lady with red hair and a silly hat comes in and sits down with him, and I guess dude has been cyber stalking her, because she’s like, stop emailing me, I blocked you. And then that group of kids from before walk in, and Big Eyes sees Hair Tragedy and Silly Hat there, and she freaks. So, I’m guessing Hair Tragedy is the one who punched her v-card, and Silly Hat is her mom? First of all, she needs to tell her mom to stop trying to look like a goddamn teenager and take her midlife crisis elsewhere. Second, she lost her virginity to that dude? Sweetie, you could have done so much better. His hair must have been in your face the entire time.

I just want to stop and address Big Eyes here: I’m sorry this guy hurt you. I’m sorry your mom is apparently one of those unstable c-words who have a need to compete with their daughters, as though “winning” will restore their youth. But you’re better than them sweetie. That guy can’t even get a decent haircut.

Ugh, this song. I hated this song when it was on the radio, and I hated it just now. But hey, Peter Gallagher is in this! Hooray!

After the credits, Punchy Face walks in on Sensitive Bad Boy putting his shirt on, and he acts all weird about it. Sensitive Bad Boy is spoiling for a fight with Hair Tragedy, and the good news is, Hair Tragedy delivers. He shows up right as Sensitive Bad Boy is describing how he’s going to kick Hair Tragedy’s ass. These guys were apparently all friends, before he banged his girlfriend’s mom. How did that work? Hair Tragedy is like forty years old. He’s moving to Portland with his dad, and he wants to tell Big Eyes himself, so he thinks Sensitive Bad Boy and Punchy Face can intercede on his behalf.

Meanwhile, in a fancy kitchen, Peter Gallagher is reading a newspaper and talking to a blonde lady, presumably his wife, about how he’s nervous for this grand opening coming up. I don’t know what it is, but judging from the two movies I’ve seen Peter Gallagher in, it’s either a ballet or something to do with real estate. (S: A+ mostly because I’m now going to pretend it’s a ballet.) Then Tate Donovan walks in and he and Peter Gallagher share the most embarrassingly extended, extremely white secret handshake of all time. They’re business partners (thanks, needless exposition!), they’re opening a restaurant, and Tate Donovan needs to keep his eyes off Peter Gallagher’s daughter, because she does not look like she’s legal.

Sweeney: LOLOLOL. A couple weeks ago someone in the comments called our attention to some of the most laughable age-casting on the show and it’s been driving me nuts ever since, so this comment is my new favorite thing ever. For the record, that girl is Peter Gallagher’s sister-in-law. Tate Donovan and Kirsten (blonde wife) are supposed to be the same age (Kelly Rowan is, of course, actually 10 years younger because Hollywood) and the sister/daughter should be at most ten years younger than her sister. In reality? Amanda Righetti is not only 20 years younger than Tate Donovan, she’s also about 5 years younger than Adam Brody, her fictional nephew. LET THAT HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT SINK IN.

Jenny: With the grand opening looming, Peter and Tate find out that their liquor license has been revoked and HOLY SHIT IS TATE DONOVAN SLEEPING WITH PETER GALLAGHER’S TEEN DAUGHTER?! This show is fucked up! Why are all these people sleeping with people they shouldn’t be sleeping with? And Tate, heads up, don’t get your ass where you get your cash. You’re a grownup, you should know this.

Sensitive Bad Boy and Big Eyes go to the pier and kiss really slow to urgently romantic music. I’m guessing that this is an exciting moment for fans of the show.

Lor: #meh. It’s episode 24 and they’ve been off and on again approximately… 24 times. No matter how urgent the Soundtrack Man gets with his romantic music, I’m thinking even fans of this show are all, “ALRIGHT ALREADY.”

Jenny: While Big Eyes is out getting romanced by a guy who’ll probably treat her right, Time Travelling Selena Gomez (and we’re just going to shorten that to TTSG, for the sake of brevity) and Punchy Face go snooping around Big Eyes’s room, and they talk about how Punchy Face cried at the movie, doesn’t like the hardware store, and walked in on Sensitive Bad Boy changing. So, is the running theme of the whole series that Punchy Face might be gay, or is it just this episode and I got the short straw? (S: Short straw. SORRY, GIRL.)

Peter Gallagher is a busy man. He’s changing light bulbs, people are putting tablecloths on tables, he just doesn’t have time to waste getting this liquor license thing sorted out. The guy in charge of that comes over with a mountain of exposition. Seriously, he just spills everything about a Mr. Cooper (I’m assuming that’s Tate Donovan), who embezzled from the commissioner in charge of giving out liquor licenses. The dude saw Tate’s name on the petition and was like, “Ha ha, no way, fucker,” and now Peter Gallagher is up shit creek without a paddle.

Did Peter Gallagher already know that Tate was an embezzling kind of guy? We know that he doesn’t seem to have Tate pegged for a daughter screwer. Did he know about the embezzlement? And if he did, why would Peter Gallagher go into business with a guy who steals shit? I think that’s the seventh commandment: Thou shalt not go into business with guys who steal shit. (S: Snark Squad Guest Advice saves lives too! Lives and monies.)

Come on, Peter Gallagher. Come on, man. (L: Those eyebrows should know better. They’ve seen things.)

Sensitive Bad Boy and Big Eyes are making out on the couch when the king from Once Upon A Time comes over and needs to talk with Big Eyes alone. But Big Eyes isn’t having it, stating that she and Sensitive Bad Boy don’t have any secrets. So, they’ve been together before? Or is this just the kind of rash thinking I’m supposed to accept from a Fox teen drama?

    King OUAT gently breaks the news to Big Eyes that he’s going to ask her mother to marry him. I’m having a real hard time keeping up at this point; is everybody in a relationship with everybody? Please don’t tell me Big Eyes and Sensitive Bad Boy are siblings or some other Flowers In The Attic bullshit, because I’m somehow rooting for them. Someone tell me this turns out okay for them.

Sweeney: I am so confused by the feelings of these one-episode recappers.

Jenny: Anyway, Big Eyes is stuck in a kind of weird place here. She knows her mom banged Hair Tragedy. Is she going to let this man walk into a marriage with a woman who’s already been unfaithful to him? She doesn’t say anything; I’m guessing there will be some kind of dramatic confrontation during the actual proposal or something. I know how this works. I watched Melrose Place.

But Sensitive Bad Boy suggests that since marrying King OUAT will make Big Eyes’s mom the most powerful woman in town (is he the king of the OC, too?) (S: More or less.), they should tell him the truth about how Silly Hat is running out on him all over town.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Hair Tragedy is gritting his lantern jaw in despair because Big Eyes won’t talk to him. Look, buddy, you fucked up. She doesn’t owe you anything. Sensitive Bad Boy tells him that Big Eyes is just going through a lot right now and–did he just fucking say “our dad?” I’ve listened to it several times now, and it sounds like he said, “our dad.” So, this is some freaky V.C. Andrews nonsense? I’m disappointed. I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! Never in my life have I yelled at a couple like this!

Sweeney: I promise that it isn’t some V. C. Andrews nonsense (L: Our incest tag is saved for Game of Thrones), but I loved that Tyra Banks speech so much that I’m hesitant to tell you that. Also I hate them, so I’m kind of glad you’re no longer rooting them. NEVER MIND. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.

Jenny: Hair Tragedy tells Sensitive Bad Boy that he didn’t just sleep with Big Eyes’s mom, he’s in love with her mom. And he thinks Big Eyes should know this because it will make things right.

Pro-tip, guys who are out there, banging their girlfriend’s mothers: it’s probably better if you don’t tell your girlfriend. And by the way, if you’re going to cheat on someone, don’t do that stupid, “Oh, I feel so guilty, I have to tell them,” bull. Unless you got an STD/STI your partner needs to know about, keep that shit to yourself. Suffer in silence and back out of the relationship so she can find someone better. And if you do somehow end up sleeping with your girlfriend’s mom, even after all this good advice I’m giving you right now, no. It will not make your girlfriend feel better to know that in addition to fucking her mom, you are now in love with her mom and would prefer to be in a relationship with that mom. You should probably also sterilize yourself with a hot curling iron, too, so you’re not raising a generation of sons.

TTSG and Punchy Face are still either unpacking Big Eyes’s room, or just snooping through her shit. They find a yearbook, and while they’re looking at it they talk about how TTSG ignored Punchy Face or bullied him, whichever. Then, more slow kissing to even slower music.

Sweeney: I also had few friends and was in many weird clubs in high school, so pre-show Seth Cohen and I HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON. IT’S LIKE IT WAS ~*FATE*~ OR SOMETHING. Except for the part where he’s fictional. 

Jenny: Peter Gallagher is sad. He is drinking and brooding over the thing where his liquor license was taken away because his business partner is shady. Blonde Wife cautiously suggests they utilize her father’s influence. I don’t know who her dad is, but he’s probably sleeping with Peter Gallagher’s uncle, if I’ve grasped the narrative flow. (L:  Hilarious, but no. Her father is King OUAT, King of Orange County.)

Later that night, Hair Tragedy pulls up to the restaurant and parks like an a-hole. I think this might be meant to signify that he is intoxicated. If not, the beer bottle he’s drinking from is a pretty good indication.

Inside the restaurant, Big Eyes runs into her mother, and they are chilly. Like, they make ice look warm. They make snakes seem cuddly. Are these metaphors working for you? Their interaction is so cold, your tongue could stick to it in the winter. You’re welcome.

Blonde Wife and the person I assume is her daughter are having a little conversation at the bar, which seems to raise Blonde Wife’s suspicions that her daughter may be making a regular commute on the Tate Donovan Penis Express.

Hair Tragedy is still brooding in the parking lot, and when he gets out, the beer is still in his hand. I’m going to throw out a wild guess here: he takes it into the restaurant with him, resulting in the inspector–who arrives at the last minute with a Hail Mary reinstatement of Peter Gallagher’s liquor license–seeing the beer, thus fucking up everything for Peter Gallagher, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, and Tate.

And by extension, every other character on the show, because they’re all related and boning each other.

Big Eyes and Sensitive Bad Boy talk about something, but I can’t tell what because Sensitive Bad Boy mumbles so much. Hang on, let me turn on closed captions. Oh. He just wanted to know if she was all right? Why are these people always asking each other this? Everybody is asking everybody how they’re doing. “I haven’t checked in for like ten minutes. How are you holding up?” It’s the clumsiest exposition ever. This is the definition of telling, not showing. “Hey, character. How are you doing? I need you to explain your emotions and possibly provide backstory. Don’t worry about emoting through body language and expression. It’s fine if you just say something like ‘as you are well aware, I am sad because my mom fucked my boyfriend.’ It’ll read just fine.” (S: A+ and a 1430.)

King OUAT gets the attention of the entire restaurant to propose to Silly Hat (is he somehow involved in this restaurant? Or is he just grandstanding on someone else’s big night?). (L: “Silent partner.” Kings don’t really do silent though.)  Hair Tragedy barges in and starts making a scene. Sensitive Bad Boy tries to get him to leave, but Hair Tragedy insists he has to tell Big Eyes that he loves her mom. Wait, he still somehow believes that’s a helpful thing to do? When he sees King OUAT propose to Silly Hat—and Silly Hat accepting the proposal—he storms off drunkenly.

Sensitive Bad Boy follows Hair Tragedy and offers to give him a ride home (Hair Tragedy is way too comically over-acting drunk to drive home), but he storms to his truck and drives off, anyway. Big Eyes comes out and wants to know why Sensitive Bad Boy would “side” with Hair Tragedy like that. I’m not sure it’s “siding” with someone to not necessarily want to see them killed, or see them kill others, in a drunk driving crash. Big Eyes wants Hair Tragedy to feel bad about boning her mom, but Sensitive Bad Boy says that Hair Tragedy does feel bad. He feels bad enough to move to Portland.

I’m not sure that qualifies as remorse, though. Just running away from the person you hurt isn’t exactly doing penance so much as avoiding conflict. And if you want to punish yourself, is Portland really all that bad? I think if this is a purgatory thing, it should have involved Phoenix.

Sweeney: I would have gone with something more along the lines of Topeka or maybe Fargo. (You know, while we’re offending people all across the US this week.) Regardless, Portland hardly qualifies as an act of self-flagellation here, Luke.

Lor: How are Portland winters? You all know how I feel about winters. It might be hell enough.

Jenny: Inside the restaurant, Blonde Wife is freaking out because Silly Hat is going to be her stepmom. Look, I don’t want to bring this down to appearances, but Silly Hat is wearing a wig, right? Nobody’s actual hair looks that starched. At this point, Blonde Wife is the only character in this show who is behaving like a normal person. Peter Gallagher and Tate Donovan are acting like it’s no big deal, until Blonde Wife points out that Silly Hat used to be Tate Donovan’s wife.

Do the people who wrote this now write for Once Upon A Time? It’s okay for characters to have more than one degree of separation from each other, I promise.

Sweeney: I couldn’t find major production links between The OC and OUAT, but Josh Schwartz went on to produce Gossip Girl, so there’s that.

Jenny: Back in Big Eyes’s bedroom, TTSG and Punchy Face are in the middle of a full-scale remodel. I thought they were just going to unpack the clothes and help her get settled in, not tear down a fucking wall. What is even happening on this show?

Sensitive Bad Boy and Big Eyes are on their way to find Hair Tragedy. He tells them via flip phone that he’s “rocking out to Seger.” He’s only half lying. He really is listening to Seger. He tells Sensitive Bad Boy to let Marissa know some cliché bullshit about how he doesn’t deserve her forgiveness or something. I don’t really care. What’s important is that after hanging up on Sensitive Bad Boy, Hair Tragedy kicks the shit out of his truck and calls Silly Hat, saying she owed him a goodbye and that he’s coming to see her. Then he drives off, so I assume this ends with him getting in an accident and dying and/or killing one of these other characters. (S: You’re so good at TV!)

In his kitchen, Peter Gallagher asks King OUAT for a “favor” to help him get his liquor license. King OUAT agrees that the restaurant will fail without one, but says that Peter Gallagher should cut Tate Donovan loose to solve the problem. Peter Gallagher is a better person than that. He’s going to stick up for his friend who embezzled a bunch of money.

While they’re arguing about it, Blonde Wife comes in, nauseated by the entire “my dad is marrying this woman I hate” business. She remains my favorite character.

Big Eyes and Sensitive Bad Boy are still looking for Hair Tragedy. I have a feeling they’re going to find him, because the closed captions say “[sirens wailing in the distance].” And wouldn’t you know it, they come directly upon an accident scene. Say, isn’t that Hair Tragedy’s truck? And isn’t that Hair Tragedy, being pulled from it, bloody and unconscious?

What really strikes me about this scene is how Big Eyes and Sensitive Bad Boy are so able to just run up on an accident scene, get out of the car, and watch what was going on without any police officer saying, “Um, get back in your car and leave, you shouldn’t be here. This is not a spectator sport.” Also, it looks like the truck just barely clipped the pole that seems to have caused all these dramatic injuries.

At the hospital the next morning, all four of the teens are sitting on a couch, waiting for news. Big Eyes says that she wished something like this would happen, and Sensitive Bad Boy is quick to assure her that the accident wasn’t her fault. I mean, I’m with him, the accident wasn’t her fault, but let’s not brush aside the fact that she wanted this guy to get in a car accident.

Tate Donovan and Peter Gallagher are at home, discussing accident, and you know what? I’m going to just imagine that they live in the same house. Like Tate is Peter Gallagher’s wacky divorced buddy, and he moved in and it’s this whole Full House situation. (L: Throw in that ballet and we’ve got an even better show, I think!)

Anyway, Peter Gallagher finally breaks it to Tate that him screwing over the commissioner is what fucked up their liquor license, and Tate is all, you could have asked me to go, and Peter Gallagher is all like, never leave a man behind! And he slaps his hand on the kitchen counter and says, “I love you too much to lose you, damn it!” and then they grab each other and just start violently making out on top of the island.

Okay, okay. None of that happens. But it would have made the scene so much more interesting, because all it does at the moment is impart story that the viewer already knows about, and it does so in a really anticlimactic way. This whole show is one giant anti-climax.

At the hospital, Sensitive Bad Boy and Big Eyes learn that Hair Tragedy is awake. And Big Eyes is like, tell him I’m here. Like, a minute ago you wanted this guy dead in a car accident, now you’re like, gosh I hope he knows I care about him. Make up your mind, Big Eyes!

Silly Hat is talking Blonde Wife’s ears off about wedding plans, and Blonde Wife exceptionally does not want to hear it. Still my favorite character.

Silly Hat doesn’t know what went down with the truck crash, and when Punchy Face tells her, she’s in shock, but tries to bluff her way out of it. She blames Hair Tragedy’s parents’ divorce for his problems, and Punchy Face makes it very clear with his terse agreement that he knows what the fuck is up and he’s not going to let her off the hook.

Good. Because this bitch is acting irresponsible all over the place. Not even noticing that her future stepdaughter has a migraine and emotional conflict and shit.

At the restaurant, which is called The Lighthouse, resulting in some confusion for me as I watched this episode because I kept waiting for them to go to a lighthouse, King OUAT shows up to gloat about how he couldn’t help with the liquor license. I wonder if he even tried, because he seems pretty damned pleased to see the place shut down. Peter Gallagher and Tate Donovan are screwed, much in the same way Tate is screwing Peter Gallagher’s daughter.

As Hair Tragedy lies in his sickbed, Big Eyes comes in looking all vulnerable and in need of a good, “How are you doing?” Instead, she asks Hair Tragedy if he’s okay. No, he is not okay. He is in the hospital. Where you are. I’m surprised you didn’t see that with your giant eyes.

Hair Tragedy says he never meant for “any of this” to happen. I always kind of think that when people gloss the fuck over the bad thing that they did with “I didn’t want this to happen,” what they mean is, “I didn’t want to get caught doing this.” If you didn’t want to have sex with her mom, it would have been super easy to just not have sex with her mom. But whatever. Hair Tragedy is still moving, and he wants Big Eyes to forgive him, which she does, because it’s hard to be a dick to a guy in a hospital bed, even if he deserves said dickery and more.

When Big Eyes leaves, it’s time for Sensitive Bad Boy to pay his respects. He and Hair Tragedy talk about stuff that I never saw, because I don’t watch the show, so I don’t particularly care about it.

    Sweeney: There’s not a whole lot to care about, except for the fact that the already ridiculous line, “Welcome to The O.C., bitch” is somehow made even more absurd when swapped out for Portland.

Jenny: Big Eyes blames her mother for literally everything that has gone wrong in The OC. She drove someone away or something. She made that guy get in a car accident. She used up all the wig hair and now there’s none left for the local drag queens. This woman is evil. They have to do something to stop her.

Cut to King OUAT’s office, where Big Eyes shows up to spill the beans. She tries to tell him that he knows nothing, Jon Snow, and he’s all like, I know everything. Despite all the things Silly Hat has done, he wants them to all be a family. He says Big Eyes’s sister deserves it.

Wait, who’s her sister?

I’m trying to figure out the incestuous OC family tree here: If Big Eyes’s mom is Silly Hat, and Silly Hat used to be married to Tate Donovan, Tate Donovan must be Big Eyes’s dad, and Big Eyes has a sister…

Oh god. Please tell me her sister isn’t the girl who was at Peter Gallagher’s house making out with Tate Donovan. Because it seems like something that would happen in this show. This show is like a southern gothic drama. It should have been called American Horror Story: White People.

Sweeney: True, but: her sister is little Shailene Woodley before she grew up and got cancer and was then cryogenically frozen so that she could wake up in dystopian future Chicago. She’s in very few episodes because she has a big future to prepare for.

Jenny: King OUAT tells Big Eyes that he bought her father’s (Tate Donovan’s) restaurant or their lighthouse, or whatever is going on, so he and Peter Gallagher wouldn’t lose their shirts. But they have lost their dream (I assume. I’m going to just guess that these guys feel as passionately about their restaurant as did the unfaithful dad on My So-Called Life). The only catch is, if Big Eyes doesn’t move back home and play happy families, King OUAT is going to back out of the whole deal and leave Tate Donovan penniless and humiliated. Basically, he’s blackmailing Big Eyes into being his daughter.

This guy strikes me as incredibly creepy. If he’s willing to threaten his soon-to-be stepdaughter, then what else is he going to blackmail her into doing? “Sit in my lap or I’ll ruin your father?” This guy could hold this over her head and get anything he wanted from her. And men who have that kind of power over a woman can’t be trusted. He even tells her to keep their deal a secret, and asks her if there was anything else she wanted to ask him about. She should have been like, “Yeah, does my mom take the wig off and reveal her full, luscious head of writhing snakes when you’re all alone, or do you do the frick-frack in full-on dollar store Barbie mode?”

Big Eyes comes home to… I don’t know. I have no clue whose house this is. It’s not Peter Gallagher’s house. Is it TTSG’s house? Is that Big Eyes’s sister? I’m so confused. (S: Tate Donovan’s divorcee apartment!) Anyway, TTSG and Punchy Face have been pulling a Changing Rooms this whole time, with about the same results as they usually have on that show. There’s this whole asymmetrical curtain thing happening, and a big mural of Paris done up in reds and blacks that no amount of primer is ever going to be able to cover up again. And Big Eyes is so touched by her friends’ gift, she doesn’t tell them that she has to move out again. (L: And that they probably cost Tate Donovan a security deposit. He’s poor, too.)

This is the worst and most confusing show I’ve ever seen in my life. And don’t tell me that if I’d watched it from the beginning, it would have been better. Because it wouldn’t. The first twenty-three episodes could have been spun gold and cotton candy-colored baby turtles basking in the morning dew and this episode, this episode would have destroyed everything.

Please just let me know, gently, in the comments: there’s never any actual incest going on here, right?

 

Next time: Kirsten and Marissa throw Julie a bridal shower, but lots of outsiders make trouble in The OC in S01 E24 – The Shower.