Veronica Mars S02 E07 – Exploring New Opportunities

Previousy: Wallace skipped town with his newly resurfaced father, the world proved itself fundamentally unfair with Keith’s loss in the sheriff’s race, and Logan moved in with Duncan.
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Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Sweeney:  Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Duncan’s trying to have sexytimes with Veronica, but he’s so incredibly boring that she’d much rather entertain herself with her adorable impression of The Dude. (L: Friend, even your KISSES are boring. Find help.) Duncan turns off The Big Lebowski and finally gets her attention, only to be cockblocked by the return of his new roommate. Things are awkward and Logan is generally as rude as possible. Veronica’s attempt at playing nice is interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s Kendall and she recognizes Veronica as “iPod girl with the waxy eared boyfriend.” Logan squeezes in a few more asshole comments and away they go.

Duncan tries to resume, but V’s not having it. She’s too weirded out by the Kendall/Logan situation. (D: You and me both, honey.) Duncan says it’s fine because Kendall’s not Dick’s “real mom” and she’s “like our age.” Except  for the part where she’s not. Because she’s 25. This is such an interesting little scene because I’m glad SOMEONE is acknowledging how creepy and weird it is, but I wouldn’t buy that observation coming from a great many teenagers. At sixteen or seventeen you don’t realize how young sixteen or seventeen is. At twenty-five, you damn well should. (Which is part of why I’m like, “No, you’re not getting it,” when people note that they dated older people as teenagers.) (Also LOL at the idea that Charisma Carpenter is only twenty-five. It’s like a running gag that this gorgeous woman is forever being aged down past the point of reason.) This little conversation feels very true to teenage life. Anyway, Veronica is still annoyed and she turns the movie back on.

Democracy Diva: I’m so glad you said that about Charisma’s age, because I totally thought Kendall was supposed to be in her thirties and was shocked to hear she’s supposed to be younger than me. She’s supremely beautiful, duh, but…. girlfriend really does not look 25.

Sweeney: FBLA Meeting For Bringing People Together. The FBLA teacher shares the status of everyone’s fake stock portfolios. This is all just an opportunity for him to have to sadly reflect on the fact that investing all your money in Casablanacas Enterprises (as Dick did) means you’re left with nothing. Also to note that Duncan is suspiciously absent from school. Look at this school, being so legit they even notice absences! Putting this show side-by-side with Pretty Little Liars is a trip.

Lorraine: So many little similarities except one show is good and the other is, um, hilarious but not a comedy.

Diva: I can’t bring myself to watch PLL, but I did start reading your recaps just so I can understand what everyone is tweeting about. #snarkladyconfessions

Sweeney: Teenage girls getting stalked, mostly, with a side of teenage girls getting pursued by grown ass men. That’s the whole show.

At some country club where 09ers plot the disenfranchisement of poor people, (D: A+) Mayor Steve Guttenberg has called Keith down to let him in on his latest scheming. Even though Keith lost the election, Mayor Steve Guttenberg still wants to include him in his “cleaner, safer Neptune.” His plan: incorporation. Turning Neptune from a county seat into a proper city – a city that would need a chief of police. Keith quickly realizes that the boundaries Mayor Guttenberg is proposing will legally enshrine the borders between Neptune’s haves and have nots. “I wouldn’t even be able to afford to live in the town that I was protecting and serving.” Mayor Guttenberg shrugs it off and rides away in his golf cart.

Lor: “It’s called a commute. BYES!”

Sweeney: Neptune High School for Bathroom Meetings. Veronica’s leaving Duncan a message when she notices her go-to bathroom has an “Out of Order” sign on it. She goes in and finds Logan waiting for her. Logan has been arrested again and he hopes Veronica will “do a little sleuthing for old time’s sake.” Veronica snarkily shuts him down and the orchestra of feels swells as he starts to leave. Veronica, ever unable to actually say no to a case, stops him and asks for something she can work with. Logan says that the witness claims Logan threatened him, and he has no idea why he’s saying this. Veronica saw Logan after the incident, so is aware of how unlikely this is. She asks for the name of the witness.

D: More like, “Stop, you’ll make me catch ebola, because nothing is grosser than a high school bathroom.”

Sweeney: I wonder if saying ebola  a couple more times will help us out with Google. EBOLA. #currentevents

Outside the bathroom, she takes down the fake Out of Order sign just as Duncan shows up to school and pulls her into the curiously empty FBLA classroom, though not before he sees Logan following her out of the bathroom. In the FBLA classroom, Duncan confesses that he’s caught the Mars Privacy Invasion Influenza and read some of Meg’s emails. He’s freaking out because he saw that she’d been emailing Child Protective Services because she found out that one of the kids she babysat for was being abused, but she doesn’t have proof. She also never names the kid who Duncan says they have to go find. Veronica, of course, agrees.

Lor: Two cases back to back, offered by her current and past lovers! And she probably thought it would be a normal day at school.

Sweeney: COME ON NOW, SUGAR.

Mars Investigations. They’re poring over Meg’s emails looking for clues. All they know is that “he’s between seven and ten and his parents are psychos,” which isn’t a lot to go on.

Diva: Okay. I might be over-reaching, but I need to propose a theory: Duncan keeps saying “him,” but they don’t know it’s not a girl. I have a weird feeling it’s actually Meg’s little sister. When we saw her in the hospital, she had these terrifying bags under her eyes that made me think something really fucked up was happening to her. Like, more fucked up than just her big sister being in a coma. I don’t think I mentioned it at the time because I couldn’t think of a sensitive way to say “what the fuck is going on with this girl’s face.” But I really think Meg is trying to contact Child Protective Service about her own parents, who we already know wanted to like, disown her. If I turn out to be right, by the way, I will never shut up about this. If not, you get to make fun of me forever.

Sweeney: LET’S FIND OUT TOGETHER, DEAR READERS.

There are, however, these books of admonishments (“I am bad,” etc., on repeat) which Meg suggests in an email as possible proof. Duncan was only allowed over on Sunday nights because that’s when her parents were away at church group, (D: Supports my theory!) so that’s when they’ll do a little breaking and entering, which is one of V’s favorite hobbies. Probably part of why she needed FBLA to pad her college applications.

Lor: Otherwise, it’d just be all, “I’m excellent at seeking creative ways to break down traditional barriers and enter into new and exciting opportunities.” Sure you are, Veronica. Sure.

Sweeney: Duncan also helpfully knows all millionty kids Meg babysat for. Veronica’s going to worm her way into sitting for all of those kids at least once so that she can get a writing sample to compare to the book they’re going to steal from Meg’s room.

Plan in place, Keith arrives with the mail, which includes an invitation to the Sheriff’s Department’s bachelor auction.

Diva: They protect and serve… YOUR VAGINA! Or penis. Whatever. Everyone’s welcome.

Sweeney: Casa de Casablancas. Big Dick’s lawyer is there to update them on the status of his monies. Everything is frozen, pending trial, whose verdict is already pretty clear, given that Big Dick fled the country and all. (Speaking of, isn’t Kendall going to be facing some charges here, too? If Veronica’s photos were part of how she tipped them off, why wasn’t Kendall charged with something already?) Dick and Cassidy both have trust funds that they’ll come into when they turn 21 (their biological mother is also a trustee, though) but Kendall’s got nothing that Big Dick’s name wasn’t on, so she’s SOL. She asks what she’s supposed to do and Big Dick’s Lawyer asks what she did before. She makes a face that I take to mean, “Lived on a Hellmouth, moved to LA to acquire epic character development, and then a bunch of really awful stuff we don’t like to think about before I died and The Powers That Be Contriving did me a solid and resurrected me here in Neptune. Without all the character development.” (L: 1430. Her horror face is legit.) (D: And an additional 1430 because all of that was amazing.)

Neptune High School for Unreasonably Long Passing Periods. Veronica starts calling parents on the list, putting on her peppiest voice to convince them to trust her with their children. Elsewhere in Traumaland, they hand children off to slightly larger children, so you should be fine, V. (L: On point with the crossover magic today, girl.)

Health Class. The teacher is giving a threatening Mean Girls-esque lecture about STDs. Plain Jane from earlier in the season is sent out of class for sneezing, so we see that this health teacher is an uber bitch.

The students are told to pair off and practice telling each other, as imaginary partners, that they have STDs. Veronica chooses Gia, and Dick butts in to gossip about the teacher, so that we know she’s a divorcee with a child. Thanks for that expository information, Dick! Veronica continues to crack jokes and rather than laughing, Gia adorably points out that Veronica is very funny, and laments her struggles in making new female friends at this school. Veronica worms her way into a sleep over invitation. This will give her an A+ opportunity to investigate Gia’s little brother – one of the potential victims from Duncan’s list. After the bell, Veronica tries to get the teacher to hire her, but she’s not taking the bait.

After school, she goes to the Fuller house – the home of the bitchy school board president we saw in Mars vs Mars and again when she was denying a poor kid a chance at a scholarship solely out of spite. (D: I did not even remotely remember her.) She’s got a crazy regimented schedule for Veronica for the evening. Mrs. Fuller also awkwardly mentions that Meg almost got fired because of “that boyfriend of hers.”

Later that night, Veronica Voice Overs that she’s weirded out by how well-behaved and orderly the kid is. He excuses himself to color and Duncan calls. Their conversation is interrupted by “a really big bug,” by which Veronica actually means Logan knocking at the back door. She sits with him and gives him the file she put together on Dr. Tom Griffith, his witness, who will be glittering on the stand, because he’s a well-respected doctor and all. Logan sees the picture and says it’s definitely not the same guy from the bridge. He lied to the police about not remembering, because he knew, at the time, that he’d be free and clear if the guy was never found. Veronica hears the parents returning and kicks Logan out.

The Fullers send Veronica on her way, though it’s insanely awkward and Papa Fuller casually invites her to come “smoke a J, fool around” in the middle of other, innocuous parent-babysitter conversation. Because even Traumaland’s throwaway characters can be used to help make everything inappropriate. He also gives her a picture that the well-mannered boy drew for her. It’s a picture of her with her head cut off, creepy shit that screams Childhood Trauma.

The next morning, Veronica’s sending Wallace another email over breakfast.

Lor: Ask him how he is, V. Tell him you miss him for more reasons than just missing someone to update on your life.

Diva: But this scene does allow Veronica to lament that her emails to him are getting way too “Doogie Howser’s journal” and I died with happiness at that reference. 

Sweeney: At school, she’s photoshopped the bachelor auction invite so that Lamb is shirtless and left it for the divorcee health teacher. Veronica’s conveniently nearby hanging “Babysitter For Hire” flyers in the vicinity, just as the Divorcee sees the invite. In the woman’s exciement, V snags a job.

That night, the Casablancas doorbell is ringing like crazy. Kendall scurries downstairs in a robe and heels to see that the annoying arrival is none other than Dick and Cassidy’s mother. She arrives with food and an air of motherly good intention, but it’s pretty quickly revealed for the act that it is. She’s hemming and hawing about whether they can be allowed to access the trust funds early. Cassidy counters by suggesting they go live with her and she gives him a hat pat and an, “Aww that’s cute.” Fuck that lady. Do we make the Casablancas parents a joint entry for Negligent Parent of the Year? Or do they deserve distinct, individual recognition for their failures? (L: Joint, I say. They appear so little, but they make them count.) (D: Agreed. If only so they don’t split the vote.)

Mars Apartment. Divorcee Teacher arrives with her child and a barrage of anxious instructions. As soon as she leaves, he has an all-out screaming fit over ice cream. A bit later, we see Duncan arrive with ice cream while the kid is staring at the TV in a daze. Veronica pilfers some writing from his bag for a sample. (What if he needed to turn that in tomorrow, V?) He finally passes out before his mom returns, now in a rare good mood because she’s got a date with Deputy Sacks.

The next day – or in one of the days Veronica magically gives herself in the week in order to detect the shit out of all the things – she pays Dr. Witness a visit. He’s a plastic surgeon and he’s confused by all the work she claims to want done; he says he wouldn’t perform a single surgery on her. He’s got to rush off to surgery and so he leaves her with a pamphlet on Body Dysmorphic Disorder. In the parking lot, she leaves Logan a message about how Dr. Witness is “a mensch.” (Direct quote included solely for the benefit of Democracy Diva, Esquire.) (D: The Jewish Snark Lady thanks you. Yiddish lessons are the best lessons.)

A mensch on the move, however! Rather than going into surgery, Veronica spies him getting into his red Corvette.

Casa de Casablancas. Dick informs Kendall that his mom signed over their trust funds rather than having to be a mother. He also takes this time to be inappropriate and fling a French maid costume at her. (L: The effect of shitty parenting for all to see. What a dick.)

Veronica follows Dr. Witness to a cigar shop. She waits for him for a full half an hour before she eventually follows him in. She lies about needing a present for her dad and spots Dr. Witness leaving with a bag, though she doesn’t see what he bought.

Slumber Party for Spying on Friends. When Gia answers the door, she makes Veronica take off her shoes because her mom is paranoid about dirt. This gives Veronica an opportunity to see (a) that they are vaguely insane -and- (b) that there are a bunch of other guests there. Party music plays as Veronica is led into Gia’s bedroom where a girls night is in full swing. Madison Trip To The Dentist Sinclair is among the other attendees.

Diva: Oh, was I supposed to be slutty-dancing to Rihanna with my friends in high school? Because we were definitely just singing showtunes and fighting over who got to belt the more obscure harmony.

Sweeney: Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Kendall tries to sweet talk Logan, who sees through it as her fishing for a sugar daddy and laughs at her not even choosing the richest guy in the suite. “Your feelings have grown as your available balance has shrunk. It’s like science.” Kendall leaves, but makes her way into Duncan’s open bedroom. He comes out of the shower to find her naked on his bed. He’s as dumbstruck by this as a teenage boy being seduced by a gross-inappropriate-but-also-very-hot grown ass woman would be expected to be.

Slumber Party for Spying on Friends. Veronica and Gia go into the kitchen where her brother is there writing birthday thank you cards. He freaks out about some spilled water, making V a little suspicious and also freeing her up to steal one of his thank you cards. I really hope she’s been checking dates on all that homework she’s stealing, so these poor boys don’t get royally fucked over. This poor kid is likely to have a meltdown when he discovers the missing thank you card. I hope you’re happy, Veronica.

Later, the girls are eating pizza and talking about carbs and shit and Veronica looks like she’s about to kill herself. Gia quickly hides alcohol bottles because she thinks she hears her mother. Veronica watches as Mama Guttenberg comes home and it’s a very tense looking scene as the little boy appears, from V’s perspective, to be getting reprimanded by her for spilling the water. Mayor Guttenberg looks a little sad, but like it’s out of his hands.

Lor: Everyone needs to calm down. It was water.

Sweeney: Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Kendall walks out of Duncan’s room and Logan suggests that she get a real job.

We cut back to the slumber party where the girls are waxing romantic about Pretty Woman. Madison’s being a bitch and eventually Dick and Cassidy drunkenly crash the party, so Veronica decides to take off.

At home, Keith comes into her room, adorably telling her that, “When you leave a sleepover early, I’m supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come get you.” He notices that her jacket reeks of smoke. She lies that she just popped into a cigar shop to use the bathroom. He correctly guesses that it was the one on Ocean Avenue and tells her not go back there – it’s notorious for selling drugs.

Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Veronica laughs at Duncan’s rookie vault heist attire. Logan comes out to make shit awkward for Duncan, asking about Kendall being in his room. Duncan says it was nothing – Kendall was just asking for his help with something. Ahem.

At Meg’s house, Duncan knows where they keep the key and also has an idea of where she’d hide it – Duncan passed off Logan and Lilly’s vent-hiding place as his own to impress his former girlfriend. Sure enough, it’s there. Unfortunately, none of the writing samples are a match. Veronica looks at it more closely and decides that it’s actually a girl’s handwriting. She notices a picture of Meg’s sisters – including a younger one – and wonders if Meg was using male pronouns as a cover.

Diva: !!!!!!! I AM THE QUEEN OF TELEVISION DEAL WITH MY SUPERPOWERS

Sweeney: CONGRATULATIONS, SNARKY PROPHET!

They go into Grace’s room (a name I know only because her door helpfully says “Grace” on it) and in her closet they find stacks of the creepy composition notebooks. As they try to process this revelation, they hear a noise. Veronica discovers a hatch in the doorway and opens it to reveal Grace sitting in the dark behind it. She starts freaking out, insisting that her parents will know if it’s been opened. “I don’t want to be tested. Daddy said I’m not ready.” This is all so fucking gross. One of the most unsettling mysteries of the week in all 64 episodes of this show. (D: Absolutely. I can’t even be excited about being good at TV because I am completely fucking horrified right now.) Veronica gets out her phone, but before she can call anyone, Papa Manning enters with a baseball bat. He sends Grace downstairs and shouts at them to get on the floor. His wife comes up and he has her call the sheriff.

Lamb arrives and the closet door is, of course, closed. Veronica starts explaining that they were just trying to help Grace, telling Lamb about what she saw. Shitbag Manning shouts over her and calls her a filthy, lying whore. Lamb cuts everyone off and cuffs the pair of them and sends them on their way, ignoring Veronica as she whispers about what’s behind the closet door.

Lamb puts them in the car and then comes back “for a statement” but instead goes directly to the closet and pulls back the clothes, revealing the abuse door. Shitbag Manning protests that Lamb can’t just come into his home and start rifling around. Lamb replies that, “It’s funny – I heard my father give that exact same speech once.” He goes back out to the car and turns his lights on. He only drives them around the corner, though, before he pulls over again and lets them out. He drives off without a word, leaving Veronica confused.

Diva: Wow. A+ Lamb character development that I did not see coming. Like other character’s daddy issues, it doesn’t forgive the things he’s done in the past (cough LOGAN cough BUM FIGHTS), but it was interesting to see him react this way to something he had lived through.

Sweeney: Absolutely. It’s also super useful because Lamb has been a fairly one dimensional character up to this point. He’s still pretty awful, but it’s good to see that there’s a little more going on there than just terrorizing victims who come to him to report crimes and stuff.

Shitbag Manning is standing in his kitchen and looks out his window to see Lamb’s car out there waiting.

Lor: Ugh. Totally heartbreaking and the episode goes from 0 to FEELS so quickly with the last scene or two. Plus, humanizing Don Lamb? SHOW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

 

Next time on Veronica Mars: Someone is “haunting” the parents of a crash victim and the Marses team up to figure out who in S02 E08 – Ahoy, Mateys!