Previously: Dawson turned 16, got plastered, and insulted all his friends. Also, Jack kissed Abby and discovered that he’s For Real, For Real gay.
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Psychic Friends
Kirsti: We open, predictably, in the Shrine o’ Spielberg. Joey’s crying her way through the first cut of Dawson’s autobiographical shitfest. As it finishes, he asks for her opinion. “In my whole life, I’ve never been so unequivocally moved by words and moving images on screen!” she says before continuing that this movie will change people’s lives. Dawson’s thrilled. Joey says that there’s no doubt that Jack McPhee will be one of the great filmmakers of our generation. Dawson’s all “Skrrrrt, WHAT”. He grabs the tape from the VCR and finds that it says it was directed by Jack.
He’s confused. Jack climbs in the window, and he and Joey gush over each other for a minute before Jack says that he bumped into Spielberg and has been offered a job. They kiss, Jack proposes, Joey accepts, they leave for Hollywood, Dawson screams himself awake and I laugh hysterically.
Democracy Diva: Best scene ever.
K: No kidding.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
After the credits, there’s a new, chic film teacher at Capeside (played by Mädchen Amick). She asks some questions, Dawson nails the answers and makes moon eyes at her. I warm up our pedo-lationship tag just in case. In the hall, Dawson gushes and Jen calls the teacher “every sixteen year old boy’s wet dream“. Dawson disagrees – it’s not boner territory, it’s hero worship. Apparently she’s teaching at Capeside because she’s taking a sabbatical to write a major screenplay for Tristar. Um. Huh?? She’s writing a major screenplay for a major studio but is teaching high school film class in small town Massachusetts to make ends meet?! CONFUSION. Jen asks if he’s shown her his shitty movie, but apparently it’s not ready yet.
Diva: Good, because we are not ready to cover another pedotastic storyline yet either.
K: Mitch turns up because apparently he’s temporarily taken over Cranky Teacher’s English class. Okay, show. This is a new level of contrivance, but whatever. He insists that Dawson can still call him “Dad”, but Dawson’s all “LOL NOPE”. Having had my mother as my class teacher for a week once in year 4, I wholeheartedly agree. Anyway, Dawson yawns, mopes about his nightmares, and is generally pessimistic about life. Mitch looks concerned as Dawson says that all he knows is he wants to make movies, so he HAS to make it happen.
Cafeteria. Joey’s rating the guys in the lunchline. She tells Jack it’s his turn but Jack’s too busy earning those sponsorship dollars by drinking Diet Coke.
He says it’s a little weird that a few weeks ago they were dating and now they’re rating guys together. They agree that they’re not bothered by it, and it’s kind of sweet.
Diva: Jack and Joey are my platonic OTP.
K: Just bide your time, girl. A better brOTP is coming.
Down by the water, Andie wants Pacey to play Captain Skippy, the police safety mascot at the Winter Fair. He’s all “LOL NOPE” because last time he did that, people threw water balloons at him. She says that there’s going to be a fortune teller there and she wants to know her future. She also says that if he plays Captain Skippy, they can *whisper whisper whisper*. Based on Pacey’s expression, it’s presumably dirty. He agrees.
Diva: Pacey is always adorable, but Pacey blushing? CUTEST. As is his strange, French-Canadian accent for Captain Skippy.
K: Cut to the fair. Jack and Joey are putting up an art display. Well. Jack is. Joey’s off in daydream land, thinking about kisses. Jack laughs at her. She glares, and he apologises before saying “It just sounds funny coming from the girl who decided to throw away relationships while in pursuit of her true self.” Fair. She apparently hadn’t counted on that part not involving kissing, and says that she’d like to be kissed before the next millennium rolls around. Considering this aired in February 1999, I think she’s getting a little down on herself.
Diva: 1999 was a rough time. She might just be worried about Y2K and the destruction of the universe as we know it.
K: True.
Jack insists that she’ll get kissed in the next eleven months, and that’s Dawson’s cue to turn up. He awkwards a little over their camaraderie before Jack suggests that he help them. He says that he’s helping Hollywood Sabbatical with the film and sound exhibit, which is a totally weird thing to have at a Winter Fair, yes? Anyway, Dawson leaves, and Joey declares him to be a total Leonardo di Caprio. Girl, no. She misses him, and she’s worried about his moodiness but she doesn’t know how to get their friendship back on track. Jack tells her to give it time. He suggests that in the meantime, she go get her fortune told to find out when she’ll next get kissed.
Over at the police booth, Pacey’s wearing a police uniform and is carrying Captain Skippy, a stuffed toy beagle. This is far preferable to the football team mascot costume I was imagining. He makes a joke to Andie about safe sex in Captain Skippy’s voice, and she suggests he have his fortune told. He’s all “LOL NOPE” because his shitty life is shitty enough already without some quack predicting additional shittiness. Andie suggests it will help him prepare for the shittiness, but he says it’s all a con and he’ll save her money by predicting her future now. The outcome is adorable:
Cut to the fortune teller’s tent. She demands five dollars from Joey, then peers into her crystal ball. She sounds like Big Red from Orange is the New Black and looks like she had her hair done by Fran Fine. (D: A+ and 1430. This is the MOST ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF ALL TIME.) IMDB informs me that she’s actually Irish and had a minor role in The Notebook. Anyway, she starts telling Joey’s fortune but it’s a giant disaster of an attempt.
Joey eyerolls a little, but a breeze blows and the fortune becomes more plausible, just like with Professor Trelawney and her occasional legit prophecies. (D: But way less believable, especially when the creepy music suddenly changes to magical prophecy music.) The fortune teller says that Joey’s had a lot of loss in her life, so she put up walls to protect herself. That’s cut her off from new opportunities, so she should say yes to everything. That…is horrible advice. Also, she’ll come to a fork in the road of her life, but she’ll know in her heart which road to take. Oh, and soon she’ll meet a tall, dark man. Because obviously.
Diva: If the dark man Joey’s meeting is actually the Dark Lord, I hope she was born to those who have thrice defied him/born as the seventh month dies.
K: That would be amazing.
Elsewhere, Hollywood Sabbatical asks when she’ll get to see Dawson’s shitty movie because apparently Mitch brags about his son, the filmmaker, in the staff room. Dawson is mortified. She asks what his movie’s about, and he says it’s a romance. Apparently they have that in common because she’s writing a rom-com. He gushes a little about how he’s intimidated but inspired by her and she says she should have known his movie was a romance because “you have quite the romantic spirit, Dawson Leery.” Meanwhile, I continue to be confused about the weather because everyone is wearing coats but you can see heat haze behind Dawson as he talks…
Joey snarks about her crappy fortune and the fact that it cost her $5. She’s interrupted by a cute guy who praises her artwork.
She and Jack look a little swoony as we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, he introduces himself as Colin, praises the art some more, then leaves. Jack’s all “DUDE. Chase after the hottie!” because he’s an excellent gay best friend. Joey insists that she’s not looking for a boyfriend, but Jack suggests that Cute Colin is a sign that she’ll get kissed before the new millennium after all. Besides, the fortune teller told her to say yes to All The Things. Jack’s all “LET’S GO DO THAT” and hustles her off.
Jen, meanwhile, is helping Grams at a craft stall. Grams suggests she sort things out with Ty, but Jen disagrees because Ty was an asshat. She says that she and Grams will just have to face the future together, as single women. But then she spots an older guy at a woodwork stall checking Grams out. Grams is all “Don’t be ridiculous”, but the guy comes over to talk to them. The Tinkly Orchestra does its thing as he reveals that he knows Grams already. She swoons a little as she says that she thought he was dead. “Great pick-up line…” Jen mutters. Old Flame says it’s been 30 years since he last saw Grams and suggests that they catch up for dinner that night. She insists that she can’t, and he says that she knows where to find him if she changes her mind. After he’s left, Jen smirks that he was clearly having impure thoughts about Grams, and Grams gets all flustered. It’s pretty cute.
Diva: I ADORE Jen needling her grandmother with slightly inappropriate things, but actually just being loving and the cutest. It’s just a great new phase in their relationship.
K: SO MUCH. And a nice change from Grams being a total bigot.
Back at the art stall, Joey introduces herself to Cute Colin and accepts an offer of hot chocolate. Jack gives her a wingman nod of approval. At the film and sound exhibit, Dawson gushes over the movies that Hollywood Sabbatical has to show, and asks where she got them. “I had them sent down from the Boston Archive,” she says as she writes all over the cases.
I stab her in the face with my mind because GET YOUR HANDS OFF ARCHIVAL MATERIAL and also I’m like 90000% sure that an archives wouldn’t let you have their stuff to show at a small town Winter Fair. (D: BOOM. You’ve just been librarian-ed.) Anyway, Dawson gushes that no one’s ever understood his tunnel vision over movies until now. She understands because she’s the same way about her script writing, and apparently it shows in her work. He hesitantly asks her to watch his movie and she accepts.
Elsewhere, Joey’s telling Cute Colin about her mother, the artist, and how she’s recently gotten into art herself. He tells her she’s “unbelievably beautiful“, which is kind of a weird thing to tell someone you just met. She praises his photography, and asks about his freshman year at the Art Institute. He describes her lips as “unbelievably sensuous“, and I headdesk over the use of “unbelievably” twice in as many minutes. She thinks he wants to kiss her, but no. He wants to take her photo. I know he’s meant to be cute and all, but he gives off a creepy vibe to me. Anyway, Joey agrees.
Diva: Sensuous? She’s a STRANGER. This guy is a creep.
K: RIGHT?!
At the craft stall, Jen holds up a random bit of crap and asks what it is. “It’s a decorated clothes pin to seal open potato chip bags,” Grams says and I laugh hysterically because the delivery of that utterly ridiculous line was so perfectly “HOW DON’T YOU KNOW THIS?”-y.
Old Flame comes over with a red rose, and asks Grams out again. She accepts, and Jen squees a little in the background. But after he leaves, Grams gets feelsy. She thought the dating part of her life was over and she looks all old and shit. Jen smiles, as she clearly has a makeover planned.
Meanwhile, Pacey’s doing his Captain Skippy routine for a group of kids. One teases him, and he breaks character, then has to rush off because being sixteen and taunting a group of eight year olds is just wrong. Cut to Andie in the fortune teller’s tent. She asks what the fortune teller sees, and just as she’s about to answer, the candle on the table blows out. They both look at it meaningfully and we fade to black.
Diva: Meanwhile, I laugh hysterically, because that was some cheesy shit, even for Dawson’s Creek.
K: They’ve done cheesy before, but I think this is a new level of ridiculous.
After the Not Commercial Break, Pacey finds an upset Andie coming out of the fortune teller’s tent. He asks what’s wrong, but she brushes him off, saying that she needs time alone. Jack asks Joey how it went with Cute Colin, and she nonchalantly says that she’s meeting him in an hour in a secluded place to have her photo taken. Jack gets “DUDE, NO” face because he clearly agrees with me that this dude is a creeper. He insists that he’s going with her.
Cut to Hollywood Sabbatical watching Dawson’s movie. He watches her expectantly as she watches Laney Boggs and Abby-as-Jen fight on screen. At Chez Grams, Jen asks if Grams has contraception. Grams tries to bail, but Jen insists she was kidding. She dyes Grams’ hair and says that she predicts a night of old-fashioned romance before smirking that Old Flame probably carries condoms anyway. Grams looks mortified.
Diva: Just the sight of Jen doing her grandmother’s hair like besties made me smile. I know Jen was embarrassing her, but it was still adorable.
K: Creeper Photoshoot. Cute Colin offers Joey a range of costumes, encouraging her to embrace a different side of herself. Jack picks out something for her – a gold floor-length strapless dress with a black feather boa. (D: Her spot-on reaction? “I look like a drag queen.”) There’s a montage of Katie Holmes posing and generally being gorgeous. Part way through, she changes to a faux fur leopard coat and thigh high boots, then to a gangster-y outfit, complete with hat and suspenders.
Diva: Cute Colin yells “you’re Madonna! you’re Marilyn!” and similar such directions at her. And when Jack yells for her to be in Wuthering Heights, Colin is all, “good one.” I cracked up.
K: Because Cathy would totally wear a leopard print coat and thigh high boots.
At the end of the shoot, Cute Colin hugs her, saying she’s a born diva. Jack gives her a thumbs up and disappears. Cute Colin leans in towards Joey and she looks expectant, but at the last minute, he turns and walks away.
Chez Grams. Jen discards a bunch of outfit possibilities, then does Grams’ make up. She looks the 59 the actress actually was at the time rather than the 75 her awful costumes and hairstyle on the show make her look. Good work, Jen!
Back at the Fair, Pacey asks the fortune teller why she can’t just say the nice shit that people want to hear. She says that’s not the truth, and if people want the truth, she has to provide it. He walks away, and she follows, saying that she’s going to tell his fortune even though he doesn’t want to hear it. She sees a young man who puts on a strong, confident face to the world. But underneath it, he’s a little boy standing on top of a house of cards, terrified of the gust of wind that will blow it over. Pacey looks thoughtful and walks away.
Joey helps Cute Colin pack up after the photoshoot. He gets super close again, and says he wants to ask her something. She looks expectant, and he asks if Jack’s seeing anyone. Joey sad-pandas, but it was hella predictable. Sorry, Jo. She heads back to Jack and the art exhibit. He eagerly asks what happens, and she says that Cute Colin is gay. Jack’s all “WHAT”, and she tells him to work on his gaydar. “I hear they’re giving a training course on that down at the community centre!” he snarks. Joey apologises, then says with a grin that she arranged for Cute Colin to meet Jack later that night. Jack freaks, and Joey’s hella confused. “Look, just because there’s a second homosexual in Capeside, it doesn’t mean that I’m obligated to go out with him, Joey!” Jack snaps before storming off. Legit, dude.
Dawson’s melodramatic movie comes to an end, and he looks expectantly at Hollywood Sabbatical. She says in a non-commital way that it’s fine. He says that her opinion is important to him despite the fact that they met like five minutes ago, and she offers the truth: “I think your film is completely uninspired. I mean the production value’s flat, your storyline is non-existent, even your dialogue isn’t believable.” He says he knows it needs work, but she’s not done: it lacks emotion or any kind of message for the audience. It’s old hat, and borders on plagiarism. I laugh and laugh and laugh.
Diva: This was fun, but it also felt like the show dumping out every criticism that was laid against it, and making fun of yourself for being self-aware while being self-aware is just a little too head-up-your-own-ass for me.
K: True. Very true. I just like it when Dawson gets shut down. Because of reasons.
Dawson says a little sadly that it’s only his second film and he’s still learning, but Hollywood Sabbatical has no fucks to give. Hollywood is hard work, and they’re not afraid to hurt people. She tells him that Hollywood eats people like him for breakfast. He sad-pandas, and she apologises. But in a “sorry I can’t stroke your ego” way, not a “sorry I hurt your feelings” way. She leaves Dawson a little teary.
Jack finds Joey and apologises for overreacting. He knows he should work on dating and stuff, but he’s not ready. She smiles that they have their whole lives ahead of them for romance and adventure. He kisses her on the forehead and tells her that there’s plenty of time for her to be kissed again. She smiles sweetly at him and they hug and they’re just adorable, okay? Our obligatory Sarah McLachlan-esque late 90s feelsy music strikes up as Dawson mopes his way through the fair. He spots Mitch and Hollywood Sabbatical driving off together, then Joey selling a piece of her art. He looks as if he’s going to go over to her, but Jack rushes up and hugs her. They celebrate and Dawson is left standing tearfully alone in the darkness. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Pacey and Andie sit by a fire. He asks what happened, and she tells him that the fortune teller said her troubles are just starting. Uh, RUDE. He eyerolls over her taking the fortune teller at her word, and informs her that her future is going to be “so bright and so magnificent that it’s off the scale.” And she doesn’t have to believe it, because he’ll do the believing for her. He hugs her. Aww.
Diva: Part of Intern Pacey’s duties at Snark HQ will be to believe in us when we’re feeling down. Because he is the best.
K: My continued un(der)employment means I’ll need a lot of this from Intern Pacey.
Joey finds Cute Colin waiting, and says that Jack’s not coming. She asks if he’s okay, and he says sadly that he broke up with someone recently, someone who’d been a friend for a long time before that. Now he’s missing the relationship and the friend. She asks why they broke up, and he tells her that there were a million reasons at the time, but he can’t think of any right now. Joey can relate. He says there’s a point where it becomes impossible to go back, then kisses her on the cheek and bids her goodnight.
Diva: Kissed by two gay guys in the same night? Welcome to my high school experience, Joey.
K: Womp womp.
Jen finds Grams sitting sadly by a fire. Apparently Old Flame had to cancel because his wife wasn’t feeling well. Jen is pissed. She apologises for forcing Grams into accepting, but Grams is actually kind of thrilled because Jen showed her that her life isn’t over. She can still go out and meet new people, she can’t keep living in the past. Jen asks if she’s afraid of facing the future alone, and Grams says she is. But it’s okay because Jen is too.
Dawson finds the fortune teller packing up her tent. She says she’s closed. He says that’s fine because he already knows his future. He gets hella melodramatic and emo as he says “Dawson Leery is destined to live a life of misery and die loveless, friendless, and in complete obscurity.” Good LORD, child.
She pulls out her tarot cards and gives him a reading. He has a soulmate who feels his pain. Dawson scoffs that she blew him off. The fortune teller says she’s still around. Dawson sighs melodramatically and goes to pay her, but when he looks up, she’s gone.
Diva: It’s supposed to be mystical, but she left the sign with her name on it behind. I don’t buy that shit for a second.
K: She probably just didn’t want to listen to him mope while he paid.
Cut to the Shrine o’ Spielberg. He stares at the model of Capeside that Jack made, then hurls it across the room. Dude. That is insanely rude given how much work Jack put into that. (D: +1. MY EXACT REACTION.) Joey stands outside Leery Manor looking up at Dawson’s room. But from where she’s standing, it looks empty. Dawson picks up the phone and calls Joey, but there’s no answer. He sadly turns the light out. Outside, Joey sees the light go out, and sadly leaves. Upstairs, Dawson cries in the dark. Joey returns home to find a man standing on her porch. “Who’s there?” she says. He turns around and it’s her dad. Fade to black.
I swear, I do NOT remember Dawson being this melodramatically emo. On the whole, I didn’t really enjoy this episode. And I can’t quite pinpoint why…
Diva: I loved the Jen/Grams storyline and I enjoyed parts of the Joey/Jack/Cute Colin scenes, but GOD, there was an overwhelming amount of emo Dawson.
K: Aaaaaaand you just pinpointed why.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Joey’s dad persuades Bessie to cater a wedding in S02 E18 – The Perfect Wedding.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
