Previously: Seth and Ryan went on a double date with Lindsay and Alex and it ended almost as badly as Julie’s attempts at being CEO.
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The SnO.C.
Democracy Diva: We begin with a Ryan and Seth walk-and-talk at school. Seth helpfully recaps the events of the last episode – namely, that Alex (or in my head, Punk!Olivia Wilde) kissed him and Ryan talked to Lindsay all night long at a bus stop. Ryan wants to take things slow, but Seth suggests that he invite Lindsay to another effing dance – the titular SnO.C.
Ryan is doubtful and kind of nervous and it’s actually super endearing. He reminds Seth that bad things always happen at these parties, which is absolutely true, but Seth assures him it’ll be fine. I think. It’s hard to tell, because Seth has so many marbles in his mouth I’m not really sure what he’s saying. I don’t remember this ever bothering me during my Seth-Cohen-obsessed youth. Maybe I’m just getting old.
Marines: I find that he’s often self-involved and a little bit awful, so I’m thinking that the marble mouth is what kept us from understanding that way back when. Maybe.
Sweeney: I like this theory because it protects us from the questionable taste of our youth. Let’s run with it.
Diva: Any-tangent, we cut to Marissa and Summer by the lockers, also talking about the dance. Marissa is less than enthusiastic, but Summer’s all, it’s magic and wintery and fabulous and also you’re the social chair so you kind of have to go! Zach joins their walk-and-talk, as Marissa says that she’s not inviting DJ to the SnO.C., because gardeners don’t know how to dance, or something. (M: They smell like outside!) Mostly it’s that her mom will be at the dance, and she’s still keeping DJ a secret from Julie. Ryan and Seth arrive so that Summer and Seth can try to out-do each other with snark. Zach clearly feels left out of their judgmental-but-actually-jealous banter, and walks away.
CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA (etc.)
In the Cohen kitchen, Sandy talks about legal things on the phone. Kirsten asks about the case, but Sandy can’t talk about it and doesn’t have anything to say. He just wants to buy some time and find out what Caleb’s big dark secret is.
Ryan and Lindsay in science class. God, her hair is perfect.Anyway, she pre-dumps him because the dangers of lab partners becoming life partners are just too great for her to face. She instead wants to be friends. Ryan makes sad puppy face but pretends to be cool with it.
Mari: I hope that she sees that by trying to head off the awkwardness, she’s only sped up its arrival.
Diva: Too true. DJ calls Marissa for some afternoon delight. She skips lunch for some delicious views of DJ’s abs. In her bedroom, she tells him that the dance wouldn’t be his thing, but he calls her out on trying to hide him from her friends and family. They make out, and of course, Julie Cooper walks in on them. She fires DJ on the spot, grounds Marissa, puts on her scary face and orders DJ to stay away from her daughter.
At the office, Sandy is wigging out. Not only could they not get a continuance, but the trial has been fast-tracked, so he has two weeks to figure all this Caleb shit out. Kirsten can’t believe she never knew he was bribing a city council woman, but we don’t actually know that’s what happened. Sandy plans an “accidental,” unethical run-in with said city council woman, Leslie Knope Renee Wheeler.
Impossibly Fancy Student Lounge. Ryan and Zach talk about the dance, and I feel like I’ve written that a thousand times already. Just start the damn dance already. Anyway, Zach says that no matter what happens, the night will inevitably end up being all about Seth and Summer. Ryan understands, but insists that Seth has a new girl now and is definitely over summer. “I think so. He wants to be.” Ben Mackenzie is the absolute cutest in this scene, and I was a 100% full-time forever-and-ever Adam Brody girl in high school.
Sweeney: I was thrown off guard by how precious Ryan was in this whole episode! He’s a much better character when he’s not brooding about Marissa.
Diva: SO much better.
Bait Shop. My God, I forgot how fucking beautiful Punk!Olivia Wilde is. Seth wants to make out with her again, but she’s all, dude, NO. It was just a kiss, so calm down. To prove this, she walks over to Homer the beer guy and kisses him. Then she kisses Mandy, another employee, and I’m hoping Sandy takes up the sexual harassment case of The People vs. Bait Shop. (M: A+) Anyway, after Seth basically ejaculates at the sight of two girls kissing, Punk!Olivia Wilde insists a kiss is just a kiss. Seth is left bewildered and horny, which is pretty much his default status anyway. (M: And with marbles in his mouth!)
In the school parking lot, Seth asks Ryan if it’s offensive to call all women crazy. “Probably to women,” Ryan deadpans. You guys, I am having an existential crisis right now, and it is this: in this episode, I like Ryan more than Seth. Even more shocking – I think Ryan is FUNNIER than Seth in this episode. My whole worldview just got turned upside-down and I needed you all to know about it.
Sweeney: YES, THIS. COSIGN, ME.
Diva: Any-segue, the boys bond over their relationship troubles until Marissa walks by holding a bunch of crap for the dance. Hilariously, Ryan schleps a giant fucking stuffed penguin across campus, and then ends up flirt-chasing Marissa around with it. Lindsay watches them broodingly from a distance, so Seth tells her to ask Ryan to the dance. She’s all, “but he’ll think I’m nuts!” Seth condescends that since she’s a woman, Ryan already knows she’s crazy. Yup – definitely offensive. Cut back to Ryan, telling Marissa he’s dateless for the big dance. Marissa is too, so they agree to go together “as friends.”
Seth approaches Summer to awkwardly ask her for girl advice. He gives up, thinking it’s just too weird, but Summer softens and offers to listen. He explains Punk!Olivia Wilde’s behavior and Summer explains that she is playing him hot and cold. He needs to play it cool. Then they joke about Top Gun, and Zach broods at them from a distance. This episode is 50% talking about the dance and 50% brooding from a distance.
Mari: I feel like maybe every episode is always 50% brooding from a distance? It’s that other 50% that keeps us on our toes. You never know if it’ll be a dance or a baby momma or a house fire. So many things.
Sweeney: It’s also that Ryan is surprisingly down for the count in the brooding portion of the episode! His slack is being picked up by other characters and we confirm that it’s not a good look for any of them.
Diva: Brooding looks way better on Ben Mackenzie than anyone else on this show, that’s for sure.
Sandy approaches Renee Wheeler, who rightfully refuses to answer any of his questions and says he’ll be hearing from her lawyer and the bar association because he’s being super-shady. Sandy wants to know why she and Caleb are risking prison if they just had an affair, but Renee just bounces.
Science class. Lindsay accepts Ryan’s previous offer to attend the dance, but he tells her he’s going with Marissa now. Lindsay gets a sudden case of “omg whatever it’s fine I don’t even know what a dance is.”
Mari: …which could’ve mostly been avoided if he would’ve said, “as friends.” Or, “why don’t you join us,” or “I’ll tell Marissa to bounce because REAL DATE.” Using words is fun!
Sweeney: Baby steps, Mari. Lindsay’s got him doing a little less brooding – he’s not ready for using actual words.
Diva: Cut to Zach and Summer by the lockers. He’s standoffish and says he can’t go to the dance because of “family stuff.” Summer is all, WTF, but he bitterly says she should just go with Cohen anyway.
Bait Shop. Seth actually does his work and isn’t word-vomiting, so Alex is obviously curious and watches him clean for a bit, like maybe she’s considering making out with his face again. Then he quits, because that’s Seth’s version of “playing it cool,” I guess. She asks if it was because she wouldn’t make out with him (yes), but Seth insists he just has too much stuff going on. She pays him, they exchange awkward goodbyes, and he leaves and broods from a distance.
Cohen pool. Sandy leaves Caleb a voicemail about his breakthrough with the case. Kirsten approaches him, but Sandy pretends everything is fine. Inside, Ryan is trying and failing to convince Seth to third-wheel it to the dance with him and Marissa. Sandy and Kirsten enter, and Sandy fixes Ryan’s tie in such a fatherly way, I get kind of emotional. Sandy tells Seth to get dressed or he’ll be late for the party. Ryan snarks, “Not the Seth Cohen pity party.” GUYS, HOW DID I NEVER KNOW THAT RYAN IS FUNNY? Anyway, Seth just wants to be alone to watch his martial arts movie, so his brilliant, evil parents cuddle him on the couch and ask inane questions about whether ninjas are superheros until Seth’s brain explodes. He leaves to go get dressed, and Ryan laughs and congratulates the Cohens on being the best parents ever. (M: I loved all of this.)
Sweeney: (1) I also adored this. (2) In the last episode, Sandy was sitting in this same spot watching TV and there was inexplicably just a love seat in this rather large space. It’s a good thing they upgraded to a couch in time for this scene!
Diva: A+ set design perception, Sweeney. You win.
Marissa and Summer are also prepping for the dance. Summer’s pretending she’d rather go alone than with Zach, but not really at all. Marissa convinces Summer to third-wheel it along with her and Ryan, not realizing that Seth is already third-wheeling and therefore this is now a four-wheel vehicle. Both boys show up at the door, and Summer is less than pleased.
Awkward car ride to the dance. Ryan says it’s like old times, except they’re all single and bitter. Seth and Summer bicker obnoxiously, but when they all start making fun of Seth because Alex kissed two different people in front of him, everything is kind of like old times for a minute.
SnO.C., at long last. They enter through a giant lit-up igloo, and it’s the most ridiculous thing in the world. Everyone compliments Marissa on the party – which does look beautiful, if more like a $100,000 wedding for a Frozen character than a school dance. Marissa drags Ryan off to dance; Seth starts to get his groove on and Summer walks away. Marissa and Ryan slow-dance awkwardly, until she makes him stand closer so she doesn’t feel like they’re at an elementary school dance. Julie and Jimmy watch them dance, and Julie is thrilled that Marissa is back with Ryan. Because he’s less poor than DJ, I guess. Julie gives Jimmy a too-long kiss on the cheek, and they make eyes at each other until other people show up.
Mari: Thank you, Other People.
Diva: Cohen House. Kirsten answers the door, and it’s Caleb, who dropped by to hear whatever Sandy has to say. He’s incredulous that Sandy didn’t tell Kirsten whatever it was, and Kirsten says, “No, he actually respects things like attorney-client privilege.” Listen, I love me some Sandy Cohen, but he literally just got back from his illegal meeting with the city council woman, so maybe let’s not get so high and mighty about his legal ethics right now.
Sandy tells Caleb he knows about the affair, and that he wouldn’t have paid money for this many years to keep it quiet unless there was a child. Caleb initially denies it, but gives in under the Power of the Eyebrows. It was a short affair, 16-ish years ago, and he set up a trust fund for the kid. Kirsten watches them talk from the window and pours a glass of wine, not knowing that she has a secret half-sibling out there somewhere, also probably drinking. (M: Like a good underaged overachiever.) Sandy tells Caleb he needs to tell the truth or go to jail, but Caleb refuses.
Zach, driving and making sharp U-turns so we knows he’s REALLY DECISIVE ABOUT SOMETHING. At the dance, Seth makes pouty eyes at Summer until she agrees to dance with him. Meanwhile, Julie kisses Ryan on the cheek and calls him handsome (lay off, Pedo!Julie, you have a bad track record with your daughter’s underage ex-boyfriends) and is thrilled he’s back with Marissa. She talks over him when he tries to tell her that’s not what’s happening. Marissa walks over and rescues Ryan from Julie’s clutches, and they walk away discussing what Julie said. Ryan asks Marissa outright if she’s embarrassed of DJ – usually Marissa would love to piss off her mother with something like this. Marissa again insists that the dance isn’t DJ’s thing, but Ryan is all, and who made that decision? DJ’s truck pulls up. When Ryan sees it, he takes off his jacket and tie and hands them to Marissa so DJ can wear them and take her to the dance. This is really fucking sweet, you guys.
Sweeney: THE SWEETEST. I can’t even handle how cute you are right now, Ryan Atwood.
Diva: SnO.C. Seth and Summer slow dance, and he asks why Zach isn’t there, but nicely, like he actually cares and isn’t just trying to make her feel like shit about it. Summer admits that he was jealous because Seth and Summer are doing their bicker-flirting thing constantly. Zach finally shows up to the dance, and is PISSED to see Seth and Summer dancing together. Zach angrily says they must just be one of those couples who are always together, even when they’re not, and he storms off.
Elsewhere, Ryan rings someone’s doorbell. Lindsay comes to the door, wearing glasses and slippers. Freudian slippers, because she’s the fucking best. (S: Absolute best. I know I keep saying this about all of the second string significant others, but Lindsay might be my favorite yet.) (D: Agreed.) Ryan admits that he should have gone to the dance with her – that’s what he really wanted, and he wants to know if they can hang out. Lindsay turns him down. Ryan insists that he likes her and he doesn’t want to give up. He says goodnight and leaves; she goes inside and broods. From a distance.
Somewhere in a dark, shadowy office befitting his general creepiness, Caleb creeps around. Renee Wheeler shows up because the best way to hide your affair/nefarious dealings with someone is to meet them at their office in the middle of the night. He says if they came clean about this instead of going to jail, it would destroy his daughter Kirsten. But Renee wants to know about their daughter. Caleb says he can arrange for them both to leave the country, because he’s Christian Grey. He asks what Renee is going to do, but she doesn’t know.
Mari: I’m not sure I buy Caleb caring enough about “destroying Kristen” to face jail time. Pretty much all he does is ignore her feelings and make her life miserable, so.
Sweeney: He just made Julie Cooper her boss 8 seconds ago, so no, I’m not buying his concern for her happiness.
Diva: Bait Shop. Zach shows up, and orders Yoo-Hoo, because he’s five years old. He remembers seeing Punk!Olivia Wilde here with Ryan, and she asks why he’s not at the effing dance. Zach admits it’s because the girl he loves is in love with someone else. Punk!Olivia Wilde is all, “then what are you doing here? Go fight for your lady.” Zach goes from broody and moody to, “yeah, I fucking WILL fight for her! I can take Seth Cohen!” Punk!Olivia Wilde is like, wait, Seth what-now? Shit.
SnO.C. A bunch of bitchy moms judge Marissa for dancing with the gardener, (S: RAGE. Grown ups who gossip about children/teenagers make me want to burn things down.) and Julie stomps over to make a scene. Jimmy intercepts her before she can humiliate their daughter, and reminds her that nothing would have kept them apart when they were Marissa’s age. Julie objects to being the gardener in this situation, but Jimmy confesses that his parents threatened to cut him off if he didn’t dump her. And he told them to fuck off. Julie says she was easier to love back then – beautiful, and nicer. Jimmy insists that Julie is still beautiful, but she was never nice. They smile, and then they kiss, because they are stupid.
Mari: Surrounded by people, you guys. What are you doing?
Diva: Being terrible at keeping secrets, like everyone else in TV Land.
Outside the dance, Summer broods. You know, from a distance. Seth joins her broodfest because neither of them have rides home at the moment. Zach arrives, fresh from the Bait Shop, walks over, and punches Seth IN THE FACE! (S: It’s an OC dance – somebody had to get punched! And Seth promised Ryan at the episode’s outset that maybe it would be his turn. Indeed it is, Seth Cohen. I think the brooding is a face-punch magnet. He who broods most will get punched. It’s a good system.) (D: I could not agree more.) Summer is all, what in the actual FUCK, and Zach immediately apologizes. Punk!Olivia Wilde also runs over to make sure Seth is okay – when she realized she had sent Zach off to beat the shit out of him, she felt responsible. She tells Summer that she can take care of Seth, and Summer awkwardly backs off, takes Zach’s hand, and leaves. Punk!Olivia Wilde offers to fix Seth’s face back at the Bait Shop. Back inside, Summer hands Zach some ice for his hand. He apologizes, but he just got overwhelmed with the Seth-and-Summeriness of it all. She understands, they make up, and it’s cute.
Bait Shop. Seth jokes that he was totally about to kick Zach’s ass. He and Punk!Olivia Wilde fake-fight, flirt, and finally kiss.
The doorbell rings and it’s Renee Wheeler. Sandy runs interference so he can talk to Renee in the back, without Kirsten there. He tries to convince Renee to tell the truth. Then Lindsay and Ryan walk out of the poolhouse giggling, and Lindsay spots Renee and says, “Mom?” Sandy gets OH, SHIT face, because he just realized that Ryan is now dating his surrogate mother’s secret half-sister. Welcome to the SnO.C.
Next time: Seth tries to broaden Chrismukkah’s reach during the latest and greatest in, “How is everyone related?” drama in Newport on The OC S02 E 06 – The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
