Previously: Kristin Cavallari forced her girlfriend out of the closet like an asshole.
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The Quick and the Wed
Democracy Diva: We begin with the Marses discussing the big reveal at the end of the previous episode – that Terrence Cook has a butt-load of explosives in his fancy car/helicopter hangar. Veronica half-heartedly tries to pretend Terrence just had a hobby that involved blowing shit up, but that’s pretty unlikely.
Sweeney: So are the multitude of paternity mysteries in this town of plot-shifting size, though! You keep those fingers crossed for Terrence, girl. Also for Keith. Mostly for Keith.
Diva: Excellent point. I don’t know why I suddenly expected “unlikeliness” to matter at all in this town.
Sheriff’s office. Keith tells Lamb about Terrence’s explosives, and Lamb is skeptical, since Keith is supposed to be representing Terrence. Keith is all, dude, get a warrant and look for yourself. Of course, that could take some time, since the judge is away fly-fishing. Ugh, this town is the worst.
Lorraine: I don’t understand Keith at all, mostly because he’s very inconsistent about when he’s going to obstruct justice and when he’s going to go running to Lamb 10 minutes after he learned new! information! without stopping to think about it.
Diva: It’s a very confusing dynamic.
Cut to a TV playing Tinseltown Diaries, which is their E! True Hollywood Story rip-off discussing the sordid life of Aaron Echolls. Dick and Logan are watching it in the Rich Boy Penthouse. The show covers all the basics – Aaron is a walking pile of statutory-raping, murdering garbage; Lisa Rinna is presumed dead; Willow pretended to be terminally ill; and Logan films bum fights and is awaiting trial for murder. Wow. When you say it all at once like that, it sounds pretty fucking ridiculous. (L: It’s a credit to the show that while watching, it didn’t feel so outright ridiculous.) (D: Agreed.)
We cut to Hannah (Logan’s new Veronica replacement/daughter of the cokehead doctor witness in his trial) watching the show with her mother, who is all, “wait, you’re dating THIS GUY?” (S: Valid parent reaction! It’s fun to see something resembling parenting in the wild!) On-screen, Aaron is being interviewed from prison, talking about how he’s convinced the tapes that prove he slept with Lilly don’t exist. And that Duncan probably murdered her. Cut to Veronica, watching from work. A blonde girl named Jane asks if she can bring over the coffee that Veronica is currently letting get cold while she watches TV.
A different blonde girl at a bachelorette party is karaoke-ing her ass off to “I Want You To Want Me.” I already like this girl because I remember her as Claudia on How I Met Your Mother and I just find her totally charming. Anyway, she’s Jane’s sister Heidi, and she’s getting married to a guy named Paul Mann from an old money family. When Heidi’s done with her song, the bridesmaids all want to see her ring, which is the size of your average iceberg. They’re having a bachelorette party scavenger hunt, and Heidi has already crossed off “sing slutty song publicly” (which I do on a weekly basis) and “talk a man out of his underwear.” That sounds rather intriguing.
Terrence Cook’s hangar, which is now decorated with police tape. Lamb and the bomb squad are there getting their investigation on. Keith wants to know what they found, and Lamb tells him to wait for the press conference, because this is a police matter. Sorry, Keith, but I’m going to have to side with Lamb here. You very badly need to deal with the fact that you are not the sheriff, and you have been breaking the law a whole lot lately trying to pretend you are. Lamb has every right to not tell you anything about this investigation. In fact, it would probably be illegal for him to divulge anything of importance. So, I love you, Keith, but please deal with your issues. (S: A+) (L: 1430.) Anyway, we see a truck from Magic Touch auto detailing stop by, so that’s probably important.
Neptune High. Jane needs Veronica’s help, because her sister Heidi has gone missing.
C’MON NOW SUGAR!
Jane fills Veronica in: Heidi missed her dress fitting, her phone is off, and no one has seen her. Wallace enternouces that Heidi’s a bit of a “dingbat,” which seemed really insensitive until I figured out that Jane is the girl Wallace is dating. I mean, it’s still kind of a dick thing to say, but it makes more sense now that I understand they’re not total strangers. Wallace explains that Heidi once almost drowned herself trying to swim with dolphins. I know this girl is kind of a hot mess, but I kind of want to hang with her. (S: Me too!) Jane needs to find Heidi before Paul finds out she’s gone, and also before their wedding, which is in three days.
At the press conference, Lamb explains that Terrence Cook has been charged with eight counts of first-degree murder. The explosives in his hangar matched the ones used in the bus crash. Terrence isn’t in custody yet, but Lamb is confident he’s not going to get too far away. Keith’s phone rings, and it’s Veronica, asking for help with the Heidi case. They banter about how she should probably be doing normal school things, but Keith agrees to help out.
Neptune High. Veronica sees Logan kissing Hannah. At his locker, Veronica calls him out on dating a girl just to get to her father, because that’s gross. Logan just calls Veronica jealous, boops her on the nose, and walks away.
Sweeney: Of course the internet slow-motion giffed this. Never change, Internet.
Lor: I mean, it’s terribly condescending moment, BUT LOGAN TOUCHED VERONICA!!!!!111one. GIF IT!
Diva: And it’s also like, one of three gifs that I could actually find for this episode. Because TOUCHING.
Back at the restaurant, Veronica asks the bridesmaids about Heidi. Apparently, she once got a guy’s name tattooed on her ass after two weeks of dating. It took forever to remove her NICK tattoo – that’s why she waited so long to sleep with her fiancé Paul, so that he wouldn’t see it. Also, one of the girls casually mentions that Nick’s mom fell off a roof, but she says it like it’s just another fun zany fact about Heidi, which is totally fucked up. (S: Heidi, girl, your friends suck. Come be our friend instead!) (D: We like karaoke and dolphins too!) Anyway, they tell Veronica about a guy who was following Heidi at the Happy Horseshoe until the bouncers kicked him out. Also, there was a disposable camera (that had an option to frame all the resulting pictures with penises), but Heidi took it with her.
Jane lets Veronica into Heidi’s apartment, which looks ransacked, but only because Heidi’s a slob. Veronica spies two wine glasses and wonders whether Heidi was with someone at the end of the night, but Jane insists she wasn’t.
Cassidy and Cordy share an elevator. She calls him “boss,” and he talks about the success they’ve had so far. But he’s looking for new “revenue streams” which is a thing I have only ever heard rich people say. Cordy helpfully explains to the audience that the investors think Big Dick is the one orchestrating this whole business. She also says the Kane house is going up for sale and she thinks they should buy it. He condescends, “what did I tell you about thinking?” Cordy snarks, “that it makes my breasts smaller?” A+, girl. But I will immediately revoke that, because she starts creepily stroking Cassidy’s chest, and also she’s inexplicably wearing elbow-length gloves with a tee shirt. She clarifies that her name is on all the paperwork, and he insists that it is, but in a way that makes me not really believe him.
Elsewhere in the land of rich boy problems, Cliff tells Logan that they’ve set a date for his trial, in two months. The prosecution has offered a plea bargain – they’ll reduce his charge to involuntary manslaughter, which will shave five years off his sentence. Logan might not have to serve more than two years in prison if he can play nice. But playing nice is impossible for Logan, who refuses the offer. Cliff reminds him that they have witnesses who will be more than happy to convict a smug rich boy, especially when his homeless fight clubs are playing on every TV in town. Logan says that even if he did stab Felix, it would have been self defense, since he was attacked by an entire gang. Cliff says that’s not what the witness is claiming – he saw you and three others, one of whom was unconscious. Cliff basically calls Logan an idiot for not even considering this deal, and walks out.
Wallace and Veronica are stalking every ATM that Heidi went to the night she disappeared. They found her car, which you’d think would have been the first thing they’d look for, but what do I know? I’m not on TV. Anyway, Veronica gets on the phone with the sheriff’s department, who are being unhelpful and won’t look for Heidi for another 48 hours. So Veronica breaks into Heidi’s car, and finds the disposable camera with optional penises!
Sweeney: She gets her B&E on so nonchalantly, too, mid-story. It’s a good thing it was just Wallace with her – that’s the sort of behavior that will unsettle new friends, V.
Diva: Keith heads into Magic Touch, the car detailing place. He asks a Car Dude (L: who looks like he’s still working at midnight for some reason) about Terrence and explains that he’s representing him. Car Dude has a standing contract with Terrence – he goes to the hangar once a month to detail all the cars. Terrence used to have forty, but times are tough, so now he only has eight. And a helicopter, because how could he possibly live without a helicopter? (S: ALL THINGS HE COULD SELL TO PAY HIS INSANE DEBT.) Anyway, the point is that Car Dude uses the cabinet that Veronica saw the explosives in. So if they were in there a month ago, Car Dude definitely would have seen them.
Veronica shows Jane the pictures from the camera, penis-free. V exposits that Heidi got two short phone calls a little while before she made the ATM withdrawals, but they can’t trace the number because it’s out of service. And the phone company says it was never in service to begin with. Jane spots the creepy guy who was kicked out of the bar for following Heidi, but his face isn’t in the picture. Just his torso, in a tacky red bowling shirt.
Meanwhile, Cordy takes a trip to prison to visit Aaron Echolls. She wants to offer him a piece of the business, and he immediately understands that this means she wants money. He tells her he’ll only do it if he gets something in return, and he makes Hannibal noises and I vomit uncontrollably. Cordy unbuttons her blouse and uses the power of her breasts to convince him to do her bidding. Aaron tells her to go visit Logan, who’s close with Little Dick, in the Rich Boy Penthouse.
Logan is at the market when some Latino kids give him the stink-eye. As he gets into his car, they spit in his eye and curse at him. Back at Hannah’s house, Logan is brooding and Hannah tries to cheer him up by threatening to rip off his nipple. It’s less gross than it sounds, but it’s still fairly bizarre. Anyway, Hannah’s mom walks in on their tickle-fight. Logan plays nice, but Hannah’s mom is not having it. He asks to use their computer – Hannah’s mom points him to the den, and takes Hannah into the kitchen for some boy-related lecturing. Logan writes an email to Hannah’s dad, from her mom, saying that she found condoms in Hannah’s room and wants to discuss it with him. In the kitchen, Hannah’s mom tells her that Logan is a phony who’s going to break her heart, but Hannah refuses to hear it. (S: I KNOW HIS SOUL, MOM! YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.) (L: As he sends emails from her mom’s account…) Logan overhears this as he walks into the kitchen, and things are uncomfortable.
At the local bowling alley, Veronica asks around about the tacky red shirt and discovers a bowling team called the One-Eyed Ducks. Only one of the Ducks fits the physique of the man in the photo, and it’s Ken Marino! (AKA Vinnie.)
Diva: Veronica asks if he was stalking Heidi to do some kind of pre-nup background check on her. Ken refuses to answer her questions, and reminds her that she’s the one with the kidnapping record, not him. Also, he quacks at her. Because of course he does.
Back at Hannah’s house, she tells Logan to ignore her bitter mom. He broods that maybe Hannah’s mom is right, but Hannah’s all, let’s go to the Rich Boy Penthouse and have sex! Logan is like, yes, please. I’m just like:
Sweeney: Logan, honey, stop. Just stop.
Diva: Sheriff’s office. Keith tells Lamb about Car Dude, and how he would have seen the explosives in Terrence’s hangar if they had been there a month ago. Keith also wonders why Terrence would keep such damning evidence where someone could so easily find it, which is literally the first question I asked. How did it take us 2/3 of the way through this episode to get to this? Come on, show. Don’t expect me to believe Keith Mars wouldn’t have asked that question sooner. Anyway, Lamb exposits that Terrence is in surgery. He was shot, by Ms. Dumas’s father, who caught him breaking into their house in San Francisco. Seriously? San Francisco? Way to keep him in the area, Lamb! Real impressive work there.
FBLA meeting. The teacher explains that Neptune might get incorporated, and he asks the class what that means. Mostly, REAL COPS! But not THAT real, because it’s still TV. Anyway, the point is that there are down sides to incorporation too. He explains what happened in Palo Alto. It used to be diverse, but when it got incorporated, they basically built a wall between the haves and have-nots. That left a super-rich town, surrounded by crime and poverty. (S: All building to the tragic crescendo of being turned into a James Franco novel.) (D: LOLFOREVER.) Land outside the incorporation was worthless as prices within skyrocketed. Cassidy gets an “oh, shit” look on his face as Teacher congratulates him on being awesome at the stock market game.
Keith calls Veronica to tell her that Heidi used her cell phone twice this morning to make two one-minute phone calls to Paul, her fiancé. Veronica wonders whether Heidi is still in town, but just avoiding her family. Keith insists that it’s cold feet. Veronica calls a different number, and gets a fax line. She meets Jane at Heidi’s apartment, and Jane shows her Heidi’s fax machine. It’s the same number as Heidi’s other line, so the calls Heidi took might have been faxes, not phone calls. And the second one might not have come through. (Or something like that. I didn’t really understand what was going on here.) Veronica turns on the fax machine and prints out a flier for a band called XLR8. That’s Nick’s band – the same Nick whose name was once tattoed on Heidi’s ass. He wrote “babe, I need to see you” on it.
Lor: Who communicates by fax machine?
Diva: Right? Even before email was a thing (and email was definitely a thing by this point), I still feel like people only owned fax machines for business purposes, not to like, chat with friends.
Nightclub. Veronica Voice-Over explains that Nick and Heidi broke up three years ago. Veronica enters a sketchy-looking tour bus and, of course, there’s Heidi.
After the not-break, Heidi wonders why her family sent a 12-year-old barista to find her. Veronica gives her “uh, fuck you, lady” face and is all, but I found your car abandoned! And two wine glasses, with one broken! Heidi explains that her car was just parked, not abandoned, and she poured the second glass of wine because the first one broke. It’s kind of hilarious to see Veronica get the case so wrong, though I still don’t like Heidi telling her that she should stick to pouring coffee.
Anyway, Heidi explains that the wedding is off, but Paul can tell everyone himself, since he’s the one who went running back to his old flame. Heidi just came to see Nick because his mother fell off the roof and is in bad shape, and Nick needed Heidi. She tried to call Paul to tell him where she was, but he never picked up. Then Heidi’s friend Kim texted her because she saw Paul leaving his ex-girlfriend’s place at dawn. Veronica wonders how Nick managed to send that fax from an out-of-service number, but he confesses that he never sent that fax. He was just so excited that Heidi came to see him that he played along when she was all, “I got your fax!” And he didn’t wonder why someone out there was impersonating him and trying to lure his ex-girlfriend someplace? Okay, show. Sure. Anyway, Veronica realizes that Kim couldn’t have texted Heidi, since she lost her phone the night of the party. The one sending all that stuff was Vinnie, because all episodes are made better by Ken Marino. (S: Truth. And this one had Vinnie and Cliff. A good day in Neptune.) (L: But we miss you Weevil!)
Intimate wedding ceremony, because it would have been too expensive to film a 500-person wedding. The bride is nowhere to be seen. Finally, she runs over with Veronica holding her train. Paul “demands” to know where she was (ugh, fuck you, Paul), and she reminds him that she didn’t ask about his bachelor party even after finding whipped cream in his underwear. He accuses her of fucking every wannabe rock star in SoCal. Heidi scoffs that she only fucks lead singers, but never drummers! (S: BE MY BEST FRIEND, HEIDI.) She reminds Paul that all that matters is that they love each other, but he calls her a “used-up groupie.” UGH, FUCK YOU, PAUL. Heidi asks if he’s ending this, and Paul says yes as his father shouts NO! Heidi says, awesome, now I get to keep this giant rock that brought down the Titanic! If I had backed out, I would have owed you this ring, but since you ended it, I’m keeping this shiny shiny ring, sucka! Heidi also reminds him that if he had acted like a man and not a tremendodouche, she would have just given him the ring back. Veronica Voice-Over explains that the dad probably orchestrated the background check, but Paul couldn’t live with the idea that his wife had, I don’t know, been an actual human being, I guess. Heidi tells her sister that they’re leaving to go pawn that ring.
Sweeney: Adorable sister moment! Love!
Diva: Sister feels forever! Rich Boy Penthouse. Cordy’s there, trying to convince Logan to invest in the Phoenix Land Trust. He’s just shocked that she actually has a job. There’s a knock at the door, and Cordy heads into the bathroom. It’s the doctor. (Not The Doctor, but the doctor. Sorry to disappoint you all.) (L: BOOO. Ken Marino, Cliff and the Doctor? Total win.) As he invites himself in, we cut to Cordy, placing a mysterious-looking object in Logan’s shower drain. She leaves, but not before undressing the doctor with her eyes, which is kind of hilarious. Doctor Cokehead agrees to make his testimony go away if Logan will leave Hannah alone. He bounces before Logan actually confirms that they have a deal, and Logan just stands there looking broody.
At the restaurant, Vinnie tells Veronica that she cost him a $5,000 bonus from the Mann family. She convinces him to give back Kim’s cell phone, and tells him he’s a pretty decent PI. Veronica heads over to Wallace and Jane, who exposits that Heidi hocked her ring and went on tour with Nick. Jane says you never know where love will find you.
Next time on Veronica Mars: Veronica and Wallace tour Hearst College and run into Troy in S02 E16 – The Rapes of Graff.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
