Doctor Who S01 E07 – A click of the fingers.

Previously: The Doctor found a Dalek in a personal museum and technically, Rose both revived and killed it.
—

The Long Game

Marines: A TV screen (on my TV screen) is showing a news broadcast about solar flares. We pan away from it as we hear what my closed captioning describes as the “throbbing hum” of the TARDIS materializing. The Doctor and Rose disembark and he quickly gives her the lowdown: it’s 200,000 and they’ve landed on a space station. He points out a gate in the corner and tells Rose to start there.

Before she can start whatever in the over there (I’m being as vague as the teaser so far, not trying to write best selling erotica, FYI), Rose knocks on the TARDIS door and tells Adam to come on out. He’s stunned as Rose very confidently tells him they are in the year 200,000, on a space station, and there is a gate just over there where they should start with. The Doctor smiles, hangs back, and watches Rose playing the part of the old pro, in on the joke.

Kirsti: LOVE. The Doctor’s clearly like “This dude’s a bit of a twat. Let’s have some fun, shall we?”. 

Sweeney: I had to watch this episode in stops and starts because boredom, but reading this again I have a vague memory of thinking this was cute. Look, I found something endearing!

Mari: Those three climb through the much mentioned gate-over-there into an observation deck overlooking the Earth. Rose casually tells the Doctor he can take point on describing this one, so he does: the Fourth Great And Bountiful Human Empire. And there it is, planet Earth at its height, covered with megacities, five moons, population ninety-six billion. When the Doctor finishes his spiel, Adam passes out. “He’s your boyfriend,” the Doctor jokingly accuses Rose. “Not anymore,” she answers without missing a beat.

DOO WEEE OOOOOOH.

The Doctor asks Adam to open his mind (LOL. Significant later) to this fantastic period of history, rich in culture, art, fine food and good manners. He’s still mid-sentence when things get decidedly more hectic, people coming out of woodwork to open up carts, yell things at each other and generally be not what the Doctor was expecting. (K: It’s reminiscent of Firefly, but on a BBC budget.) (S: Shut your whore mouth equating this show to Firefly. Hey, can we all just rewatch that instead?)

Rose tells the Doctor that’s what he gets for showing off– his history is wrong. The Doctor says his history is just fine, even as Adam asks where all those other species are, as they are surrounded by all humans. It’s a good question, but first, the Doctor tries to distract Adam with food. They need money to buy it so they head to a “cash point” (ATM, you guys) (K: CASH POINT. RUBBISH BIN. JAMMIE DODGER. You’re not in the colonies any more, children, get used to it). (S: But I am, though…) He uses the sonic screwdriver to pull out some credit and hands them over to Adam, who wants to know how it works. The Doctor has zero patience for “questions” and stuff.

“The thing is, Adam, time travel’s like visiting Paris. You can’t just read the guide book; you’ve got to throw yourself in. Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double, and end up kissing complete strangers.”

My trip to Paris was mostly just, “eat the food,” but I understand the sentiment.

Sweeney: It’s very easy to get caught on “eat the food” there. That’s another thing I’d like to do instead of what I’m currently doing, but in fairness, I’d even much rather do that than rewatch Firefly. I guess it’s promisng that I’m only naming genuinely awesome things I’d rather be doing instead, yeah?

Mari: OKAY. SURE.

Basically, the Doctor says to stop asking questions and go do the thing, Rose following behind him. The Doctor smiles after her, but only for a moment before he sobers. Eccleston is great at this kind of thing:

The Doctor stops two women and asks them where he is. Answer: Floor 139 of Satellite Five. For the sake of simplicity and so I don’t have to identify them by their skin color or relative heights, the short brunette is Suki and the taller woman is Cathica.

K: I have an “it’s that guy from that thing!” moment because Anna Maxwell Martin who plays Suki went through a stage where she was in back-to- back costume dramas, so I know her from Bleak House, North & South, and Becoming Jane. Apparently she also played Elizabeth Darcy in Death Comes to Pemberley, which I haven’t yet seen because the book was shit. 

Mari: Suki guesses that the Doctor is from upper management and is testing their knowledge. He plays along and flashes his psychic paper at them by way of credentials. Cathica brightens and tells him to ask all the questions he wants, if it means she has a chance of getting to floor 500. What happens on floor 500? Cathica says the walls are made of gold. I hope that’s more metaphorical. I mean, the walls may be made of gold, but how about if the coffee is crap and there is only one bathroom? No thank you, you know?

Sweeney: “Hi, Sallie Mae? Yeah, I know I’m late on my payment, but, like, I have these golden walls. Will you accept golden walls?”

Mari: Cathica leads the Doctor to the TV screens from earlier, and quickly fills him in on the latest news, from sandstorms on the Venus archipelago to the BAD WOLF! channel where The Face of Boe has announced he’s pregnant (K: Those of us who can see the future laugh forever). The Doctor assumes this space station broadcasts the news but Cathica clarifies that they are the news. They’re journalists in charge of writing, packaging and selling the news.

Simon Pegg! stands in a very blue room with very bleached hair, looking at a monitor showing Cathica, Suki and the Doctor. “Something is wrong,” Simon Pegg drawls. “Something fictional.” Simon points out the Doctor, Cathica and Suki on a monitor to a man that appears to be frozen solid. Dead. He orders a deep security check on them.

Back in the market area, Rose hands Adam a cup and tells him to taste what she describes is something like a Slush Puppy. He asks what flavor and she takes another sip: Sort of beef?

Adam and Rose laugh together, but he gets serious quickly as he realizes that time travel means everything he knows is dead and gone. Rose pulls out her Doctored Phone and tells Adam to go ahead and give his folks a ring. He does, but reaches a machine. He leaves a message saying he’s traveling with some people he met (true) and will call again later. Adam hangs up and starts to freak out about his long distance call when a klaxon sounds. Everyone around them jumps up. The Doctor calls out to them and waves them over to where he is. We see Adam look down at the Doctored Phone thoughtfully and pocket it.

K: RUDE. Sure, it’s a shitty Nokia, but you don’t steal people’s phones, yo. 

Mari: A computer tells Simon Pegg that the security check he ran has cleared. He doesn’t believe it. He tells two more dead people to double and triple check.

Cathica has ushered the Doctor, Rose and Adam into a white room. Cathica stands in front of a circle of people surrounding a raised chair. She tells those gathered to behave because they’re under management inspection and then hops onto the chair. The circle of people all put their hands out over some sort of pads. Cathica snaps her fingers and a little door opens up on her forehead, exposing her brain. Not the best effects you’ve ever seen, but still pretty damn yucky. Cathica counts everyone down and they place their hands down on the pads. A beam of light comes down into her brain. Before anyone can ask, the Doctor explains that this is compressed information from planets far and wide being streamed directly into her brainpan. Rose asks if that makes her some kind of genius. Not quite. The brain is the processor, but as soon as this is over, she’ll forget the information.

K: So…kind of like River Tam but with less emotional trauma and martial arts skills??

Sweeney: And not played by Summer Glau and probably also inferior in every other conceivable way.

Mari: Same, same but different.

Upstairs, the computers confirm a security breach. Simon Pegg giggles crazily about it to his frozen co-workers. The camera focuses on the Doctor, Rose and Adam and we head back down there. Adam is kind of wigging about being able to see someone’s brain. Rose asks if he wants to leave, but he quickly says no way! This is technology and knowledge and things that Adam likes. Remember, we found this dude in someone’s personal museum. The Doctor says the technology is wrong. “Trouble?” Rose asks, probably not needing to ask at all. The Doctor grins. The computer makes a noise and Suki twitches a bit. Simon’s computer focuses on Suki and identifies her as the security breach. Suki breaks away from the hand pad completely, triggering the others to do the same. Cathica’s Brainpan Doorway closes and she complains to Suki that she wasn’t halfway through.

Simon Pegg says Suki’s information has been tampered with. Something growls above him. Simon looks up and says there is no way he could’ve known about Suki. The boss roars again and Simon says he’ll have Suki brought up immediately.

On floor 139, a screen appears on a wall, announcing a promotion. (K: Weirdest way of getting a promotion ever…) (S: Maybe, but this little detail is in sync with this whole FLASHY! MEDIA! version of the future.) It calls Suki up to floor 500. Suki is pleased and stunned. Cathica is disappointed and stunned. Rose asks what floor 500 is and the Doctor says the walls are made of gold. So they keep telling us.

In the market, Suki says her goodbyes and calls the Doctor her lucky charm. He’s all for that if it means a hug, because he will hug just about anyone, the direct opposite stance on hugs adopted by most of the Snark Ladies. I feel like I’m the hug liberal around here and I consider myself more hug-moderate, you know? Maybe Democracy Diva is the hug liberal.

Sweeney: I don’t think she’s watching/reading this corner of Traumaland, but as the lone Snark Lady to have met her in offline life, I think that’s a safe bet. Hug Liberals should vote Democracy Diva.

Mari: Rose heads over to check-up on Adam, who apparently is back to thinking the Brainpan Doorway is weird, even though he was all about it a few minutes ago. He claims to need some time to “acclimatize” and apparently that means going back to the observation deck to pretend he’s a citizen of the year 200,000. Rose offers to go with him, but he tells her not to bother. It’s clear to him that she wants to be with the Doctor and it will take a greater man than him to get between them. Whether he thinks that’s true or he’s just saying what he thinks Rose wants to hear, I do not know. Either way, it works, because Rose sends him off on his own and hands him the TARDIS key to boot, in case he wants a break.

Rose should not give the key to the time traveling machine to people she met one adventure ago. Her naivety reigns supreme.

K: SERIOUSLY. Girl, trusting strangers is a terrible idea in the real world, let alone when you can travel through all of time and space…

Sweeney: SO FUCKING STUPID. This is one of the points where I just could not give any of the requisite fucks to keep watching the episode, because SHIT, ROSE, GET IT TOGETHER.

Mari: This conversation started last episode, but this is why I view Rose less, “she’s so good and sees good in all!” and more, “she’s naive to the point of stupidity.”

Anyway, Suki gets into the elevator and says goodbye.

When Cathica bids her good riddance, the Doctor asks why she’s acting like they’ll never see her again. Because they won’t. Once you go up to floor 500, you never come back. Um, red flag.

Sweeney: Or maybe people on Floor 139 just super hate their lives. Lots of people have hated their jobs/coworkers like that. “Leaving this place for the rest of always? Excellent! See you never, assholes!” Plus there’s the part about paying my bills with little flecks of wall that I would secretly chisel off on my way to the one bathroom or whatever.

Mari: If you came back, people would probably just try to hit your up for your flecks of wall.

Suki nervously paces about the elevator on her ride up. The doors open on Floor 500 and the walls are not golden at all, as we know. It’s snowing. Inside. And she isn’t dressed for this weather. Which seems like my own personal brand of hell.

Sweeney: I want to cosign except I keep choosing to live in places with winter. The blog’s recent silence happened on account of us being in New York for the weekend and it got down to about 40ishºF (4 or 5 ºC) and Mari seemed to genuinely fear she might be dying, with hints of, “Did I do something awful in a past life to deserve this?” subtext.

Mari: I’m back in the warm weather, but I have a cough now, like my lungs are still struggling to expunge the cold air.

Prepared for creepy floors where it is snowing and also perhaps power outages (K: And yet she apparently didn’t bring a jacket?!), Suki pulls a flashlight out of her bag and starts to investigate. In a side room, she finds the set-up for one of the information spikes we witnessed not too long ago. A corpse is on the chair in the middle, surrounded by corpses at the hand pads. Suki backs out of there quickly and next sees a shaft of light coming from another area. She heads in that direction and finds Simon Pegg in his room, surrounded by his Popsicle employees.

Suki puts her flashlight away and asks who Simon is. He calls himself the Editor. Suki asks more questions about what’s happening, about the bodies she found, but Editor turns it around and asks her to confirm her name. Before she can answer, he snaps his fingers and a screen appears. We watch a video of Suki rattling off details of her life, all of which EditorPegg calls LIES. Something changes in Suki’s demeanor as this happens. She is a liar and as a second screen appears behind her, we learn why: she’s an anarchist. Changed completely now, she pulls a gun out on him. “Who controls Satellite Five?” she demands. EditorPegg puts his hands up in surrender, but then just bursts out laughing, clearly not threatened by her. She says the Freedom Foundation has been monitoring Satellite Five and has proof that they’ve been manipulating facts and lying to the people. News media is still news media in the future, y’all. We evolve so slowly.

K: Sad but true. 

Mari: Editor Pegg says he’s a humble slave to the editor-in-chief, aka the growly creature above their heads right now.

From Not!Suki (whose name is Eva) we head back to Adam. He did indeed find his way back to the observation deck, but only looks at Earth for a few seconds before directing his attention to his real conquest: an unmonitored computer. Adam places his hand on the hand pad and quickly realizes that he can learn just about anything from it. He starts by asking the computer to tell him about computers, specifically the history of the microprocessor. Smart boy.

K: Smart, but also jerk-tastic.

Mari: Cathica leads the Doctor and Rose back into the journalism room. The Doctor is stunned that Cathica has never been to another floor, besides floor 16, which is the medical floor where people get trepanned. Everyone works, eats and lives on the same floor, because containment would be key in this sort of operation. You couldn’t have people talking to each other or like sharing information. (Side note: That’s why the Pretty Little Liars will probably NEVER find out who A is…) (S: Believing that there is some secret sci fi like force shutting off ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS is my new official Rosewood head canon.)

Cathica finally realizes, or admits to herself, that the Doctor is not upper management. She tells him to leave her out of it. “I don’t know anything,” she says, and she probably doesn’t even know how true that is. The Doctor keeps challenging, though, asking why there are no aliens on board. He repeats that this society is wrong, stunted in its advancement by about ninety years. He asks when Satellite Five began broadcasting. Wouldn’t you know? Ninety one years ago.

K: What a crazy random happenstance!

Sweeney: Which is the concept by which this show’s plots are strung together!

Mari: Elsewhere, Adam rings his house again and leaves another message on his machine: The microprocessor became redundant in the year 2019, when it was replaced by a system called SMT — that’s Single Molecule Transcription… He isn’t able to record more because the computer flashes off. The screen simply says, “Floor 16.” He complains about his thwarted plan and heads right on down to Floor 16. There, the floor is set up with a bunch of desks. Adam finds an unoccupied nurse (who IMDB tells me is also in Shaun of the Dead) and sits in front of her.

K: TASMIN GRIEG!!!!!! If you’re anything like me, you know her as Fran from Black Books:

Mari: He explains about not being able to use the computer and lies about being a student from the University of Mars. It works surprisingly well. The Sales Nurse tells him he needs chipping to get the computers to work and Adam’s not really down with the whole brain surgery bit, but Sales Nurse is really good at her job.

Cut to Adam strapped in a surgical chair. Sales Nurse says he can get the little, bitty chip in his head or he can go full out Brainpan Doorway. Adam’s all, “I have no money, time or tolerance for pain,” and Sales Nurse is all, “you have unlimited credit, it takes 10 minutes and is painless.” Damn, she’s good. I mean, I still wouldn’t get brain surgery…

The Doctor is breaking his way into a mainframe. Cathica says he’s so going to get in trouble. She’s that kid in school that was around to say crap like, “you are going to be in so much trouble,” but never actually left and was always suspiciously on hand when there was trouble to be found.

Sweeney: This kid is popular on TV shows about school. Did people actually know this kid? Is this kid real?

Mari: …I think I was that kid.

Editor Pegg is watching this happen. He’s confused, because the Doctor and Rose were there when he was running security scans on Eva. After a few growls from the Monster in Chief, Editor Pegg orders more security scans.

Rose wonders about the toasty temperatures and gets to be teacher’s pet for a moment with the Doctor, because she’s asking the right questions, while Cathica is accepting the status quo.

K: Which is exactly why Rose is the Companion and Cathica’s a random addition for one episode only.

Mari: Upstairs, the computers announce to Editor Pegg that the Doctor is no one. Rose is no one. Editor Pegg can’t have no ones running around. “We all know what happens to non-entities. They get promoted.” And don’t it always feel that way?

The Doctor keeps fiddling with the mainframe. The conclusion is that there is something up on Floor 500 producing a ton of heat, all of it being moved down unto the other floors. Conveniently for them, the Editor calls them up to Floor 500.

Adam’s all done with surgery. He asks about opening the little brain trap and the Sales Nurse tells him it just takes a click of the fingers. I take it click means snap. Snap is such a good word too, but okay. Click.

K: I love the way she looks at him like he’s an idiot when she has to explain how it works. 

Mari: The Doctor and Rose board the elevator and ask Cathica to come with them. Maybe they’re just being nice because I can’t imagine having her in the background going, “OOOH YOU ARE SO IN TROUBLE” all the time is very fun. Luckily, Cathica declines.

    Cute.

Adam clicks his fingers and his Brainpan Doorway opens up. He’s revolted and says he’s going to be sick. He vomits a puke colored ice cube and Sales Nurse basically explains it was a gift with purchase: nano-termites that freeze waste on the way up. Weird, because I’m not sure I’d rather throw up ice cubes.

K: Having once swallowed an entire ice cube and been plagued with enormous amounts of pain for like half an hour afterwards, NOPE. Regular vomit is preferable. 

Sweeney: I’m not really sure there’s an enjoyable way to vomit. Or to discuss vomit.

Mari: Okay, moving on.

The Doctor and Rose make it to Floor 500 and he immediately notes that the walls are not made of gold. Even though a minute ago he was all, “you and me Rose!” he promptly tells her she should get out of snowy indoor hell. She says no.

They meet the Editor, who doesn’t wait for introductions before informing them that they are no one. Rose spots Suki and runs to her side. The Doctor guesses that she’s dead and all these dead people are working thanks to the chips implanted in their brains. The Doctor tries to get the heck out of there, but the corpses grab him and Rose and restrain them. Still, the Doctor refuses to say who he is. Editor Pegg says maybe the Editor in Chief can convince them. See, the Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire is not actually human at all. It’s where humans happen to live. From above them, the Chief growls and Editor Pegg corrects: it’s where humans are allowed to live, by the permission of his client. He points up and we finally see what’s doing all that growling. It looks very blobby, a little sluggish, and has a giant mouth full of teeth. The blob slug has been shaping mankind, according to Editor Pegg. He is “the mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe.” Max for short.

On 139, Cathica passes Adam on the way to the elevator where she inputs the override code.

Back on 500, the Doctor and Rose are restrained and we get to the meat and potatoes of the episode. “If we create a climate of fear,” Editor Pegg exposits, “then it’s easy to keep the borders closed. It’s just a matter of emphasis. The right word in the right broadcast, repeated often enough, can destabilize an economy, invent an enemy, change a vote…” Rose concludes that the people on Earth are just slaves, then, to misinformation and unoriginal thoughts.

K: So it’s basically the Abbott government? #jokesonlyAustralianswillunderstand

Sweeney: Basically it’s all the governments because of the LOOK HOW YOU’RE ALL LIVING IN STUNTED EARTH, WAKE UP AND ASK QUESTIONS LIKE CHOSEN ROSE message. More of that elegant, subdued messaging I’ve come to expect.

Mari: Editor Pegg asks if a slave is a slave if they don’t know they are enslaved. “Yes,” the Doctor answers firmly. Editor Pegg was hoping for a philosophical debate and wonders if all he’ll get is a “yes.” “Yes,” the Doctor repeats. Rose says someone must’ve noticed something through the years what was happening on Satellite Five. They had, but the computer chips allow Editor Pegg to monitor their brains, further allowing him to crush their doubts.

Cathica arrives on floor 500 and sneaks up to the Editor’s room. She hangs out in the background as Editor Pegg tells us more about Satellite Five, how he represents a consortium of banks interested in a long term investment. The Doctor reviews a few things we’ve already learned this episode, but he doesn’t appear to be speaking to Editor Pegg anymore; he’s passing information to Cathica.

Meanwhile, Adam is in a spike room. He calls his answering machine again and starts the information spike.

Sweeney: I forget where it appears, but I’m guessing it was here that Adam’s new brain computer was accompanied by the most hilariously terrible cartoony music. Each episode is filled with questionable bad decisions made in post, but I’m now mentally flagging one per episode as the worst, and this was it.

Mari: Upstairs, Editor Pegg clicks his fingers and it sends electricity through the manacles on the Doctor and Rose.

Sweeney: In spite of hating the majority of the pointless speechifying and inelegant messaging that seems to drive this show, I did enjoy a bit in there about inverting the knowledge-is-power message to mean that the unknown is dangerous. Probably in part because it was uttered while actually doing a thing instead of just pointlessly stalling and discussing a thing.

Mari: The Doctor quickly confesses he’s the Doctor, she’s Rose Tyler and they are just travelers. The Editor keeps questioning them, but we cut to Adam and his information download. He shudders and up on 500, the Editor smiles. “Time Lord,” he announces. The last of the Time Lords. Adam screams from his chair and the Doctor tries to say the Editor’s information isn’t true. But it is, and it’s coming straight from Adam, whom the Doctor sees on a screen when the Editor clicks his fingers once more.

K: This is why you don’t pick up strays while travelling and provide them with secret information.

Mari: Offical Snark Squad advice.

The Editor is excited about the knowledge he’ll be able to extract from the Doctor’s head. Plus, Adam has the key to the TARDIS. They can rewrite history with time travel. The Doctor, again speaking for the benefit of Cathica, says no one will stop him.

That spurs Cathica into action. She finds the spike room on Floor 500, the one with all the corpses. She shoves the corpse off of the raised chair and positions herself on it, disengaging the safety. Alarms sound as she overrides Floor 139. Adam’s info spike ends and Cathica’s begins. In the Editor’s room, he tries to terminate her access, as the Doctor announces that she’s finally thinking. She heats up floor 500. The screens explode, the Popsicle Employees fall over and chaos ensues in the market. Rose breaks out of her manacles and tries to help the Doctor out of his. The Monster in Chief is not happy and the Editor can say no more than it’s “impossible” for a member of the staff to have an idea. Adam pushes through the crowd downstairs, Cathica continues the info spike and Rose uses the sonic screwdriver to free the Doctor. Pieces of the Monster in Chief are falling from the ceiling as the Doctor yells, “see you in the headlines!” at the Editor and runs out. (K: Nine’s sass is one of my favourite things ever.) He tries to follow suit, but from the floor, Zombie Suki/Eva grabs his leg and stops him.

The Monster explodes, the Doctor finds Cathica and clicks his fingers to close her brain. They smile at each other as outside, the sun rises over the Earth.

Later, the Doctor is all, “yeaaaah, I’m gonna go now,” because he’s all about the party and not about the clean-up. Cathica is worried no one will believe her but he tells her not to worry. Humankind will accelerate now and things will be righted. She asks about his “friend” Adam, and the Doctor makes it clear that Adam is no friend of his and marches right over to a babbling Adam, pissed as hell. He pushes him right into the TARDIS and we come out the other side in Adam’s house.

Adam is relieved to see it, as he was afraid the Doctor was going to throw him out of an airlock. The Doctor asks him if there is anything else he’d like to confess, and Adam doesn’t, of course. No matter. The Doctor grabs the phone/answering machine and sonics the crap out of it. That all done, the Doctor is all, “see ya!” Adam protests because they can’t just leave him there with a Brainpan Doorway, right? The Doctor clicks his fingers to mess with Adam and Rose joins in on the fun as well.

Adam again says that they can’t leave him this way. The Doctor says they sure can, because if he shows his Brainpain Doorway to anyone, they will dissect him. And I guess if anyone clicks their fingers near or around him, he is SOL.

K: And this is why you shouldn’t get questionable surgery while travelling. 

Mari: The Doctor tells him to lead a quiet life, unseen and under the radar. Adam wants to go with them, but the Doctor only takes the best. He’s got Rose. (Seriously, so cute.)

Adam’s mum gets home, super happy that he’s there, and he looks so mortified. He begs Rose to let him come along, but she says nothing to him as she boards the TARDIS. Mama Adam comes in the living room to greet her son, observing that time goes by like… Like a click of the fingers.

I was not jazzed about this episode or having to cover it. I think it might be less offensive than other episodes we’ve seen so far, but it is equally not impressive. It was telling that some many commenters last episode were all, “Adam who?”

Yeah. Exactly.

 

Next time: The Doctor takes Rose to the day her father died and FEELINGS in Doctor Who S01 E08 – Father’s Day.