The OC S02 E09 – Use your words, people.

 Previously: Seth snuck around with his girlfriend a lot and Sandy and Kirsten were adorable.
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The Ex Factor

Angi: So I’m finally guest blogging for Snark Squad. I feel accomplished. That probably tells you all you need to know about me.

I love The O.C. and on first watch, I was completely #teamryan. On a later watch, #teamseth. So when I watch now, I find myself conflicted. It’s a hard place to be. I’ll keep a tally as I go to see where I’m at today.

Marines: This is kind of how my Myers Briggs has shifted a little as I get older. Like that, but way more awesome.

Sweeney: It says a lot about how we’re not this show’s target age demographic anymore that you’re contextualizing it with Myers Briggs.

Angi: The previouslies are as random as they come and I’m not sure what the people who pick these clips were trying to achieve except Drama! Lesbians! Eyebrows! If that was the goal, mission accomplished.

Cohen kitchen of wine and take out. Kirsten is ordering everything from the left side of the menu and how are they all so thin? I gained five pounds just listening to Seth place his order. Sandy and The Eyebrows drop in ‘female cohorts’ and I find myself being a bit #teamsandy. What is this show doing to me? (M: It’s time, girl. Yesteryear is gone.)

Bar of angry white girl stapling. The person I thought was Discount Olivia Wilde is actually Young Olivia Wilde. #themoreyouknow Anyway, Seth is inviting her over in the most obnoxious way. His lack of need for personal space really bothers me. Also, I’m pretty sure Alex could beat him over the head with that stapler-thingy and he would not catch on that something is up. Pay attention, Cohen. Those shifty eyes tell you all you need to know.

They are also playing the pronoun game, or lack there of, and saying The EX, which is TV speak that means THIS CHARACTER IS OR WAS GAY. (S: Or bi! Or basically something other than heterosexual!) (A: True facts.) I have Seth feels as he leaves the bar and walks down the street.

Someone walks up and kisses Olivia Wilde’s (Alex) cheek. And boom! The Ex is a girl! Why can’t people just use their words?

California, here we come! Just now? I think Veronica Mars learned their teaser length from this show.

School of Privilege. Is it weird that the ‘token minority’ character on this show isn’t a different race, but the poor kid? (M: Yes. Though, the only other minorities we’ve seen were vaguely Hispanic and also poor.) Anywho, Lindsey is poor. That’s what happens in this scene. The dialogue is basically:

Lindsey: Marissa, you’re beautiful.
Marissa: Great. Thanks. You’re poor.

Mari: A+. I find these scenes painful because I just want to hug Lindsey and tell her she has nothing to be jealous of.

Sweeney: SAME.

Angi: Also – LOL forever that the ‘poor’ kids have L.L.Bean backpacks but I’m so distracted by the shirt Drunky McDrunkerson(Marissa) is wearing, I can’t even really tell you what is happening.

I cannot stand Lindsey. (M: WHAT? I JUST DEFENDED HER!) (S: GUEST RECAPPERS ALL HAVE THE WRONGEST OPINIONS. LEAVE LINDSEY ALONE.) She whines, she judges, she complains and bitches, then judges, then does it all again. Being her must be exhausting. She’s telling Ryan how great she is and totally. Not. Competitive. Dear Ryan, when a girl says she’s not competitive, she is. And also no one wants to be friends with their boyfriends ex. But I understand with those crack deductive reasoning skills how you now lead the Gotham Police Force.  xoxo

Lindsey calls Marissa Cosmo girl and my notes say, “How does she know that’s her drink of choice? Is that her drink of choice? Isn’t that another show?” Then I realized she was still talking about the magazine cover thing – and Lindz – let it go. Your competitive is showing.

Cohen bedroom of cuteness. Kirsten asks Sandy for something to do with work. It seems like it would be a conflict of interest somehow. But it doesn’t matter because he says yes and earns sex. Yes. That just happened. I feel like if I’d paid more attention to these life lessons and less to Ryan’s arms on first watch, good things would’ve come from it.

School for kids who make 09ers look poor. Oh god, I forgot about Zach. Ugh! This actor showed up later on Smallville and I couldn’t stand him there because he was Zach on this show. Summer is adorbs though and Zach is a tool who gives her a cupcake for a 6 month anniversary. Summer does what I would do and promptly thinks of a way to sabotage her fantastic relationship. I take a moment to add “fasting for an upcoming colonoscopy” to my great excuses book. #teamsummer

Mari: Two episodes in a row where the snarky guests are not fans of Lindsey and/or Zach. I wonder if we see them in a better light because we’ve been watching so much of the OTP shenanigans. This is a true palate cleanser.

Sweeney: Whatever, guest recappers.

Angi: And somehow the conversation goes to Full House, which should make me think about John Stamos, but instead I thought of Alanis going down on Uncle Joey and then Bob Saget came into play. What the hell is wrong me? I’ll be in the drinking corner with the brain bleach. I watched it a second time because I thought this Full House talk might become plot relevant. But LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Julie Cooper’s evil lair. Kirsten comes in with Sandy’s great idea and is instead greeted with a giant Julie Cooper face next to actual Julie Cooper. Julie suggests a magazine about the O.C. Kirsten expresses my thoughts and says, “that’s a whole lotta you.” Julie fires back with a “no shit. But I’m our market and I don’t care about the poor people Sandy wants to adopt and move into your pool house.” Surprisingly, Kirsten looks thoughtful.

Sweeney: It’s the sad, thoughtful look of someone contemplating the part of their job they despise. In Kirsten’s case, that part seems to grow by the episode.

Angi: School for shaming poor kids who have to shop at L.L. Bean. The poor kids, Ryan and Lindsey, talk about something. But all I can think about is how I want Ryan to push her over that railing. Did I mention I really don’t like Lindsey? Cause I don’t. Ryan then forces Lindsey to eat with Marissa and Summer. Awkward shots for everyone! Then he leaves because he is a stupid, stupid man. We get to see more of the atrocity Marissa is wearing while Lindsey eats her low-fat, carb-free, Budget Gourmet meal. Then we get to hate on Marissa because she can eat anything and not gain weight. Maybe there is an advantage to cocaine.

Mari: I don’t know girl. Remember the alley in Tijuana. #neverforget

Angi: What is happening in this scene? Are they trying to build sympathy for Lindsey? Are we supposed to hate Marissa? Should this have the editing room floor? I’m just not sure.

Drunky and Summer ask Lindsey to come to their girl’s night out. I have no idea why, but it happened.

Emergency Comic Book meeting of dorks who discuss girls. Seth is being less adorable than I remember and more clingy-needy-whiny and ready to take advice from kid-that-doesn’t-even-go-here. I also thought he was talking about Summer before I remembered Alex existed. I going to go ahead and say #teamRyan just for the amount of obnoxious Cohen has shown.

Ryan ambles up late because I suspect Ryan doesn’t actually like comic books now and is there more as a pity member. Zach does nothing to stop Cohen from making a big mistake of a phone call because he is a douche. Ryan of course tries to strong arm it away because Chino. Seth makes some bad decisions and Ryan has I-want-to-punch-you face, which actually might just be Ben McKensie’s version of resting bitch face (RBF). Ryan offers to get his paycheck of $38 dollars for Seth and then Seth makes a Hulk comment while wearing a green shirt and I can’t even with this.

Cohen Kitchen of coffee and broken dreams. Then Sandy and The Eyebrows say “Honey, I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a giant Julie Cooper on the table” and #teamsandy4eva. Kirsten breaks the news to Sandy that Julie Cooper’s billboard will be built before his poor people’s houses. Guess they will have to move into the pool house after all.

Bar of angry white girls and big reveals. Ryan picks up Cohen’s check and talks to a girl behind the bar. He might be flirting. It’s hard to tell. I must’ve been easy to impress in my youth because why was he so adorable? Okay, fine. He still is. She says her name is Jody and Ryan’s eyes light up because holy crap, she’s The Ex.

Mari: I have no idea how he figures it out because all this girl says is, “are you Seth?” Again, way to take those detective skills right on over to Gotham, Ryan Atwood. (A: A+) Also Jody is Emmanuelle Chriqui, who you probably don’t know even though you’ve probably seen or heard her in something.

Sweeney: Entourage! The bro-iest show to ever bro. That would be a fantastic show to snark if we ever had a proper staff of Snark Gentlemen, but there’s all the Snark HQ renovations and also the fact that I don’t actually want to rewatch that show at all.

Angi: Pool House for Chino Juvies. Seth needles Ryan about the bar. Ryan excels at not using his words and then greets Zach in a super creepy way that no one seems to notice. They decide on a guy’s night out. My money is on Chinese and video games and possibly a situation for Ryan to punch someone. I’ll be honest, I have a super vague memory of this episode. I feel like a Snow with deja vu.

Cohen living room of schemes. Sandy tells Caleb the 80-ft mock up of Julie will haunt him in his sleep and Caleb’s uses that fear to get Sandy to side with him and agree to shoot down Julie’s idea at dinner, which I think is a date, not a business meeting. Why aren’t Sandy’s eyebrows telling him this is a horrible idea? This decision will not earn you sex, Sandy. I take back one #teamsandy.

Random shot of a beautiful sunset to remind us that we don’t live there. #thanksshow

Car of trepidation and bad anecdotes. Lindsey frets about the night. OH…I forgot about the Lindsey/Caleb thing. Is there anyone on this show not related to each other? Ryan chooses this moment to tell her how amazing Drunky is and how it was when they met. Lindsey looks like she wants to jump out of the moving car. Then Ryan realizes he’s an ass and gets RBF. But before Lindsey realizes the ship is going down, Ryan is super cute and now I remember why I loved him. #teamryan

Ryan gets overprotective. Lindsey says she’s not eight and Marissa calls him dad. It’s creepy and I’m good at TV, so it means something bad will happen. Ryan and Marissa give each other RBF and he leaves.

Super rich girl’s house to remind token poor girl. Are they going to a flapper party? What is Marissa wearing? Lindsey says dumb things like how she’s never been in a house before and Marissa acknowledges her mother’s skills at top notch golddigging. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen, but subtext, people! Anyway, they are there for 2.5 seconds before Drunky offers Lindsey a drink. There’s some awkward judgment, a moment where I think they are going to break into a musical number from Grease,  and then Summer comes to make the show better.

Sweeney: She’s the cutest. This episode is tragically light on Summer being adorable.

Angi: What is this music playing right now? I think it’s the muzak they play on the elevator to hell. Lindsey checks out a shelf filled with nothing but photos of Drunky and Punchy (Ryan). What is the show trying to do? Make me feel for Lindsey or push Punch-Drunk (which shall now be their couple name)? All I have are questions.

Mari: We have no answers, just an ill-advised offer of booze from a flask we keep in a top drawer. Awkward. (
A: You should probably move it to the desk top.)

Angi: Cohen home for boys. Seth says they go at O-700. Zach says that’s seven in the morning. Seth says “No one cares that you were in ROTC”. #teamseth

Then Seth says, “let’s go out and do what guys do! Ryan, what do guys do?” Ryan’s got a few ideas and they are get shot down by Seth and Zach, the wonder twins. Shape of superdorks! Videogames and lamps it is!

Bar of underage drinking. The girls decide all they have in common is to talk about is boys. This proves awkward since two of the three have ridden the train to Chino. Lindsey and Drunky decide drinking is the answer. Then Drunky and Alex bond over their angst.

Cohen living room of nerds. After a round of making mountains of of molehills, the horrible decision is made to go to the bar to find their women. Ryan objects. Cohen accuses Ryan of bogarting his thermos full of kool-aid while Seth is in the desert. LOL Then Ryan remembers those things called words and tells Seth that Jody (the ex) is a girl.

Bar of long band montage. Lindsey is d-runk. Marissa is acting the same as she always does. But that’s probably just because Mischa Barton can’t act. (M: “Drunk, Mischa. No, drunk. Drunker. ACT DRUNK. Never mind.”)  Then an awkward convo ensues about how could Ryan ever get over Marissa ensues and I think, “Probably pretty easily”.

Sweeney: Especially if he could sign up for that sweet $5,000 deal Julie Cooper was offering! (A: I’d happily take 5K to never see Marissa again.)

Angi: Summer gets hit on by Sensitive Polo Player and jokes about being her diminutive self. #teamsummer

Car of testosterone. Zach is a douche, Ryan is the level-headed one (weird), and Seth tells the world to get off his lawn. I think. I don’t know. He was very old man Jewish in this scene. Bottom line – girl on girl jokes. Ha. Ha.

Restaurant of Ugh. Julie basically describes the pitch meeting for The Real Housewives of the O.C. which I thought was based on Desperate Housewives, but maybe this is where the idea came from. Or maybe this was a nod to that show. I could google the dates, but I don’t care.

Mari: If nothing else, it’s probably a meta-joke about how interested people will be about the lives of the rich and famous in The O.C. Be sure to include a poor kid in your magazine, Julie! That’s the key.

Angi: Caleb put his balls in a jar and wusses out so Sandy makes the first punch. The magazine isn’t happening. Julie says Kiki is on her side and when Kiki indeed states she is, hell breaks loose. Then there’s relationship drama, Sandy storms out and gives the check to Cal for putting him in this game of “hungry, hungry hippos”.  #teamsandy Free dinner though so, win.

Boardwalk of bros. And literally nothing happens.

Bar of band montage, part two. Seth storms in like an idiot man and says he’ll fight a girl, which to be fair is probably the only fight he could lose with dignity. Alex has no fucks to give though and leaves him standing at the bar with his misogyny. (S: 1430.)

Summer is upstairs talking to Sensitive Polo Player so of course Zach comes in to be uberdouche. Next, Ryan finds a drunk Lindsey with Drunky. Drunky looks a little guilty but also smug, but again, I could be reading in because I’m not completely convinced Mischa Barton can pull off two emotions at once.

Restaurants of horrible double dates. Kirsten tells Caleb she’ll be siding with Sandy at the meeting and he should back Julie for his piece of mind and because it’s the better idea.

Beach of impending doom. Ryan and Lindsey walk along and she decides to go swimming. Ryan finds out she matched pace with Marissa’s drinking and then starts to brood because she didn’t eat either. Ryan tells her to sit tight while he goes to get her greasy fries and coffee, the Dawn Atwood special. BRB, having feels because I’m positive this is a meal Ryan probably knew to get from a way-too-young age. #teamryan

Sweeney: I didn’t actually catch that line when I watched so I’m now joining you on the Team Feels couch.

Angi: But they don’t last long because he leaves Lindsey by the fucking water she wanted to swim in five seconds ago!!! Rookie mistake, Ry-Ry. Tell no one I said Ry-Ry.

Office of barricaded hearts. Seth is knocking at the door and Alex is hiding inside. I’m not sure what the problem is. She doesn’t want the ex and I think she feels something for Cohen but is too chicken to say it? Words, people. Use them! She finally opens the door. Seth is giving an excellent tirade and it’s bad ass. But then he slips and mentions he’s seen part of the Banger Sisters and then I remember why I also love Seth Cohen. #teamseth Then Seth says all this isn’t worth the drama. Alex looks like she wants him to stay but of course stays mute because that’s what brooders do.

Beach of drunken swimmers. Lindsey’s shoe is in the surf as Ryan comes back with fries. He completely freaks out, but it’s probably because the piano sounds more like a horror movie than dire situation music. He jumps in the water calling her name. Seth hears him and lets him know Marissa has her back in the office. Ryan gets punchy face and says he’d like to speak to Drunky.

Mari: I found all the shots of Ryan searching desperately for Lindsey hilarious. I know I wasn’t supposed to, but still.

Angi: Office of alcohol poisoning. Lindsey is sleeping it off while Marissa pets her head. Ryan blames Marissa which of course she doesn’t accept. Then he really says some awful things. True things but still harsh. As is always true with using your words too late, you look like the asshole. So Drunky cries and Punchy leaves (without punching!) while Seth and Alex stare in shock. Then Seth becomes the level-headed one. I think the Ryan and Seth must share common sense so only one gets it at a time. Synergy. The entire time I’m worried about Summer who everyone else on the show forgot about it. Where did she go?

House of pancakes, milkshakes, and always empty tables. Seriously, this place is never busy enough to maintain itself. But there’s my girl Summer coming in the door and Zach is sitting forlorn at a booth. They banter and Summer refers to herself as ultra-bitch 2000 and that she was raised by wolves. I’m officially in love with her. #teamsummer They banter and then share a milkshake with two straws. I throw up in my mouth a little and return to the drinking corner.

Poolhouse of rejection. The boys come to the realization that they are in fact the ass of a horse.

Seth drops some knowledge on Ryan about Lindsey. I don’t really listen because I’m bitter she didn’t die in the water. Ryan tells him to take his advice and off they go to say sorry.

Cohen couch of kiss and make up. Kirsten and Sandy make up and Sandy decides he needs to get a job. He throws in one last Julie Cooper jab and they are so adorable.

Winchester motel. Oops, sorry. Wrong show. Seedy motel in rich town. The boy show up to apologize for earlier. Alex and Seth go outside to talk. Punchy heads inside for Drunky. Ryan goes first. Drunky gives out a guilt trip because she still loves him. Punchy broods. Drunky continues. Punchy broods. Do you see where this is going? He finally says he’s sorry. Then Marissa apologizes but I’m not sure what for.

Mari: Being easy access to liquor? Trying to suck in the whole world with her giant eyes? Making it so difficult for anyone watching her to decide just what emotion is playing on her face? Trying to poke our eyes out with those pointy as hell shoulders? The world may never know. (A: Yes. It was for all of those things. Or maybe there was more dialogue and that was the only line they could save.)

Angi: Alex and Seth make cute but he knows it over. Then Alex smiles at him and kisses his cheek. I understand nothing about that relationship. Nothing. Back in the apartment, Alex and Drunky bitch about everyone in their lives. Then Marissa says horror really weird. Not a plot point, but it bugs me. They sit on the couch under a blanket and some flirting commences. Marissa and Alex have more chemistry than Marissa ever did with Ryan.

This episode is #meh for me. I’m not a fan of Lindsey and I feel like this doesn’t move too many things forward.

But my #team tally showed shocking results. Two each for Seth and Sandy Cohen. Three each for Ryan and Summer. Huh. Who knew?

Thanks for having me on Snark Squad!

 

Next time on The OC: Julie’s out of town and Marissa gets her rebel on in S01 E10 – The Accomplice.