The OC S02 E12 – Valentine’s Mad Libs

Previously: A disastrous dinner party because OC.
—

The Lonely Hearts Club

Jessica: OK so disclaimer, the previouslies showed me some things that haven’t been snarked yet at the time of writing (apparently Sandy lied to Kirsten about someone being dead!) so I’m not 100% up to speed here, plotwise. But I think that’s part of the beauty of these recaps, so I’m just going to take this episode in stride and try not to be too confused by all the dramz. No promises, though.

Marines: I can assure you that by knowing who Sandy and Kirsten are, you’ve overcome most of the battle. You got this.

Jessica: Panning by red roses leads us to Ryan in a red shirt hanging out in the kitchen. Seth comes in and tells him he shouldn’t have, but sorry Syan (Reth?) shippers, the roses aren’t from him. Sandy dashes in with two more giant bundles, frantically filling the kitchen with flowers. Seth tells him that Valentine’s Day isn’t until tomorrow. THIS IS A FREAKING VALENTINE’S DAY EPISODE!? Brb, getting chocolate.

Mari: Almost every recap, I find occasion to apologize to our guest recappers. SORRY.

Sweeney: I’m  not sure I have anything to say about this episode. This might be my only comment, but I feel the need to also say: SORRY, GIRL.

Jessica: Sandy runs back to the car to get even more flowers, and while Seth and Ryan go to help him, they discuss Seth’s recent breakup with Alex. Apparently it’s not even a big deal at all, though, because all Seth ever cares about is Summer. He blames the universe but I blame the writers shoehorning their relationship to the detriment of other side characters.

Mari: I blame the writers for this whole scene, in which it was apparently a surprise that Seth was still harboring feelings for Summer, EVEN THOUGH THEY TALKED ABOUT THIS LAST EPISODE.

Jessica: Pssh. An entire episode ago? That’s like, years in soap opera time.

Apparently Seth is going to San Diego with Summer and her current boyfriend Zach. Seth doesn’t want to go because he knows that the writers (his words are “the universe”) are on his side and this will probably mean terrible things for Summer and Zach’s relationship, which is bad because he likes Zach. Also, he and Summer have made out recently (ok technically only nose grazed, but apparently it was “the most sexually charged nose graze in the history of nose grazes” and “essentially nose humping” … ew) (S: Note to potential suitors: nose humping is not appealing.) so that’s pretty much the nail in the coffin right there.

    Ryan tells him to man up and “keep it in your trousers” and I laugh and laugh at him giving Seth this advice since my last recap involved him making out in poolhouses with Seth’s temporary Mrs. Robinson-esque grandmother. (M: GRANDMA BOOBS!) (S: #MEMORIES)

Sandy enters the Forest of Flowers Previously Known As Kitchen and asks Ryan what his VD plans with Lindsay are, but mostly it’s non plans since she’s getting to know her dad, who if I remember correctly is Caleb (Ryan’s adopted mom’s father, making Lindsay his non-related aunt, I guess?), who is currently in the hospital. Yep, this is a soap opera.

Apparently Valentine’s Day is Kirsten’s favorite holiday, which makes me think she’s never had to spend one drinking wine by herself and watching Dirty Dancing on repeat.

M: ME NEITHER KIRSTEN! (I like period dramas best. Hello BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.)

Jessica: But this might be her year! She wanders into the kitchen in her pajamas and when Sandy tries to “here’s my Valentine” her with a bouquet of roses, she takes them and, without even changing her expression, upends them into the garbage disposal. Then she leaves, without even getting her coffee or bagel or whatever she came in there for. Sandy’s magnificent eyebrows sag as he realizes that it’s going to take a lot more to make up for That Big Lie He Told Earlier.

CONNECTICUT! Oh wait, sorry. CALIFORNIAAAAA!

Kirsten stands in the dark, staring dead-eyed into the middle distance. Sandy says he can explain, but Kirsten isn’t having it because she saw the lady he said was dead (Rebecca) in his office last night. Alive. Sandy counters that she’s been charged with “a very serious crime” and telling Kirsten anything could make her an accessory.

Sweeney: This defense is bullshit, Sandy, and you know it. Kirsten’s, “Bitch, please,” face says it all.

Jessica: I don’t know what NotDead!Rebecca did, and the episode never says. I have some theories though. 1. She murdered a diplomat in Turkey. It was self-defense… or was it? 2. She was caught trying to smuggle baby pandas across the Chinese border. 3. She’s the head of an international Dollhouse that got taken down from the inside.

Mari: If only we could get you retroactively hired as a writer for The OC.

Jessica: If only! Clearly I’ve missed my calling in life.

Regardless, Sandy claims that Rebecca’s innocent. Kirsten’s more angry about the fact that Sandy used to be in love with Rebecca and lied. Sandy swears there’s nothing going on between them (besides secretly being her lawyer) and they shouldn’t fight because “tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day.” Kirsten gives him the best “Bitch, please” face ever and storms out. (S: Normally I would go back and delete my earlier comment but I’m too pleased with this accidental brain share. Snark Lady Mind Meld!)(J: #mindmeld 4evah!)

Ryan shows up at Lindsay’s doorstep with a single rose, wishing her a “happy day before Valentine’s Day” and admitting that he hadn’t factored in the holiday when suggesting they recently take a break. Lindsay says “okaaay” and teases him about not wanting to be alone on Valentine’s and teenage me yells at her to shut up and take the rose from the cute guy at her door, seriously.

She agrees to take a break from taking a break … if Ryan apologizes to Caleb. From what I can tell in the previouslies, Ryan yelled at Caleb until he had a heart attack or something. (M: Not even “or something,” girl. Exactly.) Lindsay says that them being mad at each other will make it awkward for everyone, because she doesn’t know Caleb all that well yet. And also by “everyone” she means “me.” Ryan looks pained but he says he’ll do it. Also, during this scene they both mumble Caleb’s name so badly I thought they were saying Kyle. Enunciation, people!

Mari: You know, the scene where they decided to take another break was played for feels last episode so I want to punch them both and everyone in charge of this show for bringing them back to a non-break minutes just post-credits in the next episode. Stupid.

Jessica: Summer’s trying on outfits in her room when Seth shows up. He tries to talk to her about the nose graze/nose hump that happened, but is awkward and bumbling. Meanwhile she’s playing the “what? nothing happened” card. Zach shows up with MapQuest directions and snacks. Summer calls shotgun and Seth awkwardly follows them out.

Hospital. Grumpy Caleb is complaining about leaving in a wheelchair. Lindsay got him a present — Mad Libs! Caleb exposits that Julie’s still in Europe so he’s going to be all alone in his giant house. Is that – the faint strains of sympathy music playing in the background? NOPE! Just the wind. Suck it up, pal. (M: A+)

Lindsay lies that Ryan mentioned stopping by and Caleb is all “Pssh! Very likely and also no way.” Kirsten sends Lindsay off to get the chauffeur and suggests to Caleb that being nice to Ryan would go a long way toward making up for 16 years of abandonment.

“What is it with my daughters and that kid?” Caleb scowls. But when Lindsay returns he asks her, “Can three people play Mad Libs?” because he “understands (Ryan) is handy with an adverb.” LOL. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard him say an adverb. Maybe once.

Road Trippin’. Summer criticizes Zach’s music choice, while she and Seth reminisce about Tijuana and their terrible hotel stop on the way there. Things get awkward and they end their story way before getting to the part where their friend OD’d in an alley. (M: Seriously. Sharing a gross bed was not the weirdest part of that story.)

Meanwhile, Julie’s back from Europe! When she enters and yells “anyone here?” the house echoes. Then she surprises Caleb, who’s trying to peacefully read his newspaper, and it’s probably a bad idea to do that to a guy who was just in the hospital for heart stuff, right? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.

Sweeney: “Not my department,” calls out everyone in Snark HQ. We keep trying to recruit medical professionals, but they’re too busy getting paid actual money and not being underemployed and stuff.

Jessica: Lindsay shows up with tuna sandwiches and Julie plays nice but it’s obvious she’s not pleased with this development. She leaves them alone to do Mad Libs and goes to find Marissa, who’s still asleep at 1 p.m.

Julie tries to bribe Marissa into forgiving her with a purse but Marissa’s not biting. Angry, Julie threatens to take away Marissa’s blackberry (she groans and waves an unconcerned arm) and then her cell phone. Marissa quickly sits up for that because she’s a teenager and has to be connected to her phone at all times, even if it is a flip phone. The blackmail works and Marissa says she’ll make it to dinner tonight. For Mad Libs! I hope.

Mari: Um, what? Was there a time where people had a cellphone and a Blackberry? What evil magic is this?

Sweeney: You just don’t understand fictional rich teenager life, Mari. “Because conspicuous consumption,” is the answer to so many of this show’s mysteries.

Jessica: Cut to Sandy taking Rebecca to a hotel room. Rebecca intuits that Kirsten must be angry, but she also doesn’t care because she got Sandy a Thanks For Being My Secret Lawyer And Lying To Your Wife present. It’s a gift that recalls their first date, and Sandy gets all nostalgic before his eyebrows are like “whoa, slow down, this is probably inappropriate.” He tells her that he shouldn’t be her lawyer. Of course he says this now, instead of earlier, but he’s going to get her a list of the Best Lawyers In Town. They stand really close to each other, and their hands caress as he gives her the room key.

Segue to Sandy approaching Kirsten at their house. He tries to make small talk but Kirsten brings up the hotel room that he brought Rebecca to, because the credit card company called about verifying the charge. There must be a hell of a lot more to the hotel room that we saw to make it worth a big enough charge for the company to need to verify it so quickly. Anyway, she says she’s ok with him taking the case if he must, but he says he’s not. “I know enough not to mess with my wife on Valentine’s Day.” Or any other day, I hope. He asks her to see if she can find a restaurant that still has a reservation on Valentine’s Day. Kirsten’s on it and says she’ll call, presumably with a threat, because no way a fancy restaurant would still have something available less than 24 hours before the biggest date night of the year.

At the club, Marissa’s helping Alex put up posters. Julie’s only been home 3 hours and Marissa is going insane. Alex tells her that her mom used to drive her crazy too, and suggests taking a deep breath, smiling and saying something neutral like “interesting thought.” Except she hasn’t spent enough time with Marissa to know that she has a very low smile quota that was filled in the show’s pilot episode, and that sounding interested in anything that’s not her own angst is a physical impossibility. Marissa invites Alex out for dinner but Alex believes first-day VD dates “are a jinx.” She’d rather go out “when we don’t have Hallmark breathing down our necks.”

San Diego. Zach, Seth and Summer are waiting for the meeting. Summer leaves to floss (it’s a thing, go with it) and while she’s gone Zach spills that Summer’s going to be his date to his sister’s wedding in Tuscany, where his family is renting a villa, and then they’re going to go backpacking through Italy. Seth’s upset. Meanwhile I have to remind myself that these people are fictional so I don’t get too insanely jealous. Just a little bit jealous. (Pass more chocolate, please.) (S: Any excuse for more chocolate, really.)

Contrivance enters in the form of an assistant who says the Comic Book Titan of Industry can’t meet them until tomorrow. So they’re going to put them up in a hotel room in town and surely this will end with no drama whatsoever.

Ryan arrives at the Mansion of Mad Libs for his apology to Caleb. He tries to open with some pleasantries, but Caleb shoots him down, so Ryan just gets on with it in a hilariously straight delivery of “I’m sorry if I had anything to do with your heart attack.” Caleb insults him. To his credit, Ryan doesn’t punch him in the face, but walks out. Caleb looks pleased at himself for having bested a 17-year-old in conversation. (M: CONGRATS, DUDE. Surely none of your decades of accomplishments live up to this moment.)

Zach, Seth, Summer and the comic cutout enter their hotel room. Seth says, “One bed, huh? Looks like Zach and me are getting cozy tonight!” But actually it’s adjoining rooms, so looks like Zach and Summer will be getting cozy tonight, while Seth will be hanging out in his own room. I guess there’s always the cutout, right Seth? Seth wordvomits about how Summer and Zach will be sharing a bed, while he’ll be in the other room with an adjoining wall, then knocks on the wall to see how soundproof it is and it’s actually kind of hilarious.

Nighttime. Sandy meets with an older gentleman on a pier who I have no idea who he is. Sandy brought him coffee though, which is sweet. Hey Kirsten, maybe you don’t have to worry about Rebecca so much as Old Nighttime Pier guy. Then ONP says he thought that his long-ago nighttime talks with Sandy were prepping him for father-in-law duty so now I can intuit that this is Rebecca’s dad. Sandy feels bad letting go of Rebecca’s case, but her dad says it’s all right. Sandy goes to get him some green tea instead of coffee.

San Diego Hotel Room of Who’s Getting Cozy With Whom? Summer and Zach are watching a movie, with Seth sitting right in between them. Zach’s finally had enough of his Nice Guy Ignoring Stuff routine and says they should turn in. Seth tries to get them to watch another movie or hang out (field trip to the gift shop? I bet they have Mad Libs!), but Summer kicks him out. He wants to invent a secret knock rather than think about his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend in the room that shares a wall with his, but no dice. He leaves the cutout behind, too.

Pier of Nighttime Rendezvous. Sandy returns with the tea, only to see Rebecca’s dad slumped over at the bench. He died of sadness over Sandy not being his son-in-law. Or a stroke. Believe what you want. (M: Those eyebrows could’ve been in the family.) Next morning, Sandy gives Rebecca a hug as she cries on his shoulder at the beach.

San Diego. Summer and Zach watch in concern as Seth drums on a chair arm while chugging coffee. Seth only slept about 15 minutes and tries to make a crack about the other two not sleeping, but they’re like, “nope, we slept fine, because we’re not insane” or something so implied.

    They’re called into Comic CEO’s office.

Comic CEO says their treatment is interesting, and then gets down to business.

“Putting pretty people by the beach isn’t enough for me, even if they have powers.” Way to punk yourself, show. I did laugh out loud, though.

Jittery Seth wordvomits about how the real story is about love, while Summer and Zach try to stop this train wreck as it’s happening. Seth goes on and on about Little Miss Vixen (the Summer-esque cutout), who sounds like a poor man’s Buffy (“Her AmEx card can decapitate a demon up to 100 yards away”) and how she’s hopelessly in love with the obviously-Seth-character while Zach vehemently disagrees. Comic CEO tells them the comic has promise but that the partnership between the three of them obviously isn’t working out just yet so they should work it out and get back to him, “after high school.” I found this bit of show self-awareness amusing.

Sweeney: +1. Self-aware moments are the highlights of the show.

Jessica: Sandy talks to Kirsten and apologizes for not calling until late. She says it’s fine and he can even cancel their VDay date if he wants, but he says to keep it. He just needs to take a nap first (legit). Kirsten smiles, but then watches him walk away with a slack-jawed face full of feels.

Caleb’s Cranky Crib. Ryan returns out of the blue with more to say to Caleb. Caleb asks if Ryan wants to punch him because “I’m the only person in town you haven’t punched.” Ryan’s not here to facepunch, though. He’s there to play pool. The bet– if Caleb wins, Ryan stays out of his way. If Ryan wins, Caleb has to accept him as Lindsay’s boyfriend. Caleb takes the bet because if you’re on TV and someone bets you something, you have to take it.

Mari: Rules are rules.

Jessica: Fancy restaurant. Julie took Marissa out to a fancy restaurant on Valentine’s Day? Kinda weird but sure. They snark at each other a bit, then Julie brings up that while she and Caleb might not work out in the end, she doesn’t want to lose Marissa.

Marissa looks confused (her default expression) and says she almost believes her. Then Julie explains how they need to “play our cards right” with Caleb to make sure they have enough control of his assets/company for when he croaks. Julie’s worried Lindsay will receive Marissa’s inheritance. Marissa decides to try Alex’s trick. Her face concentrates very hard as she struggles to perform the very basic steps of taking a breath and faking interest. It seems to work on a surprised Julie.

Mari: Or else the bad acting stunned her into silence. Sometimes that happens to me.

Jessica: Sad Times in San Diego. Seth, no longer vibrating, sits dejectedly. Summer joins him and asks him if there’s something he wants to say to her. But Zach’s right in the other room so Seth declines and Summer says “don’t say I didn’t ask” but I think she knows she set it up in an awkward way here. Seth says he’ll take the bus home, which means Zach and Summer can spend the rest of the night at the hotel themselves, as it’s VDay and all. Seth peaces out and Summer sighs.

As Sandy’s getting ready for his fancy Valentine’s date, his phone rings. He picks up and gets Rebecca. She was going to leave a voicemail. This is goodbye. Now that her dad is dead, her brilliant plan is to run away again. She’s leaving tonight and wonders if there’s any chance of him “swinging by” to say goodbye in person. On Valentine’s Day. Before his date with this wife. Uh huh, voicemail, eh?

Sandy says he’ll get back to her as Kirsten walks in in a fancy dress. She guesses about the call and says, “If you want to go, I’m not going to try and stop you.”

Sandy says four words. They’re not “let’s go to dinner” or “it’s you I love” but the much poorer choice of “I’ll be right back.” Kirsten’s devastated face watches him leave.

Sweeney: STOP IT, SANDY. STOP THIS BULLSHIT.

Jessica: Grey-as-my-soul-hound Bus. Seth is the only passenger as angsty music plays. He looks thoughtfully at his phone. Cut to Summer and Zach in the hotel room. Zach knows and has accepted that Seth will never get over Summer. Summer claims those are Seth’s issues and not hers, and suggests they “make the most of” their situation (if ya know what I mean!) and he gets slightly concerned face, saying he needs to tell her something (uh oh!), but her phone rings, interrupting him. She lets Seth’s call go to voicemail. Seth sadly hangs up on the bus.

Pool game. Pool is happening. Ryan and Caleb talk trash. Caleb tries to rattle him by bringing up his extracurriculars, like “setting fires and impregnating teenage girls.” Ryan misses. Then he brings up that Caleb abandoned Lindsay for sixteen years, and Caleb misses. Ryan hits the eight ball in and wins. Ryan calls Lindsay in (she was right outside. I hope the next room over had TV or books or something). Caleb gives them money for a date, but Ryan suggests Lindsay stays in with her father instead. Caleb looks thoughtful and gives a barely perceptible nod of approval as Ryan leaves.

While Kirsten calls to cancel her dinner reservation, Sandy is chatting with Rebecca in her hotel room. She suggests he stays. She wishes she could turn back time and be with him. He agrees and THEN THEY KISS! NO! Why is this happening? Sandy walks to the door and says, “I’ve gotta go, but you should stay.” Terrible!

Mari: I know Kirsten once kissed someone else too, but I’m so much more disappointed in The Eyebrows.

Sweeney: Kirsten got kissed because she believed that someone was just a friend. Sandy bailed on Valentine’s Day plans and was equally as active in the kissing. MUCH DISAPPOINT, EYEBROWS.

Jessica: Much disappoint indeed!

Newport’s Diner of Dejection. Ryan joins Seth, all filled in on San Diego. I bet Seth called him next from the bus and they talked the whole rest of the way. Seth complains about how terrible it all went and how Zach has the universe/writers on his side after all.

Marissa shows up at the club where Alex is all alone working in the dark.

Alex: “I didn’t know you were coming by.”
Marissa: “Neither did I. I guess I’m just sort of … here.”

Wow, this describes both Marissa and Mischa Barton in this show so, so well.

Alex decides they can have their first date on the beach because “the tide’s about to change.” Ugh, lame metaphor is lame. Whatever. They leave.

Kirsten is sitting down, still all dressed up, when Sandy gets home. He slow walks down the hallway and she gets up and walks toward him … and then shuts the door in his face. He and his eyebrows will be on the couch tonight. And probably a long time after that.

Boardwalk. Seth and Ryan stroll together discussing whose Valentine’s was worse and it’s kind of adorable. At the beach, Alex and Marissa sit happily in the sand despite the fact that they have no blanket to sit on. They finally go in for the kiss and we fade to black. Was that their first kiss? Congrats! You made it to the end of the Lonely Hearts episode in one piece! You deserve chocolate! … Only it’s all gone. Somehow. A dog took it.

  Thanks for having me back! This was fun. Now I’m off to play some Mad Libs.

 

Next time on The OC: Caleb requests a paternity test in S02 E13 – The Father Knows Best.