Previously: Veronica had dreams in which all the bus crash victims wore helpfully identifying shirts.
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Nevermind the Buttocks
Sweeney: The episode begins with Veronica being interrogated by Aaron Echolls’s lawyer, asked about what she really saw on the video, with a side of slut shamey eyebrow waggles and questions about her contact with Duncan. He’s the worst. Also, isn’t it better to unsettle her with your gross questions on the stand? Or is this a “tear her down so she’s weak up there” thing? Never mind, I’ll stop trying to decode evil like this.
Democracy Diva: Seems like tearing her down before she’s even on the stand is a waste of time/evilness, but I’ll leave the evil to the experts like defense attorneys for the rich, famous, statutory rape-y and murder-y.
Marines: Just watching it made me want to shower. I don’t want to think about more than that.
Sweeney: Mars Apartment. Papa Mars comes home to tell Veronica his latest discovery: Big Dick was using the life insurance policy on his sons as a tax shelter and the beneficiary on their policy with many zeroes is none other than Cordelia Chase Kendall. Keith says that Kendall had motive, but he questions capabilities. Veronica offers a much more succinct version of my Cordelia-to-Kendall narrative: “I wouldn’t underestimate her capabilities – she went from spandex to cashmere pretty fast.” Keith decides to investigate.
At school, there’s a reference to random locker searches, which is fun because that’s part of how we began the show! Valedictorian Veronica is also in a science – CORE CLASS – classroom with Weevil, because TV high schools are a farce. This class has a pet snake and it’s Weevil’s turn to feed the snake a rat, which he’s excited about. His love of the class pet is kind of adorable. Less adorable is when he creep stares at the tank, “Hey, I got no problem sacrificing a rat.”
Diva: My notes simply read, EW WHY ARE THEY MAKING THIS CLASS WATCH A SNAKE EAT A RAT. I mean, yay for metaphors, but maybe leave the actual animal rats out of this.
Sweeney: Out in the halls, Veronica gets stared at by a rando and then finds poor Mac distressed at her locker. She was mugged by her own principal, who is keeping her cell phone interceptor until the end of the year. In all V’s infinite wisdom about the random locker searches she didn’t hook her BFF Mac up? Rude, girl. Except she unknowingly did Mac a solid because Mac was using that to listen in on Cassidy’s calls. Giiiirl, stop. Veronica, of course, “jokes” that she’s just judging herself, “Why don’t I have a cell phone interceptor?” Except this is an actual thought we all know she’s really thinking because privacy invasion is her #1 hobby.
Mari: Someone is updating their Christmas wishlist that very night.
Sweeney: Later, Veronica sets off Clemmons’s secretary’s car alarm, because she seems to think high school secretaries don’t already have more than enough shit to put up with. (D: A+) Once the secretary steps out, she uses her trusty key but finds that Clemmons changed his lock. Veronica Voice Over cracks jokes about the lengths others have to go to cope with her love of doing unethical things.
With that, she goes to Butters to enlist his help. He agrees to retrieve what Mac needs but only in exchange for her being his prom date. He’s so aggressive and smarmy about it, though. He’s the kind of person who deserves his friendlessness because he’s such a douche. Regardless, Veronica says she thinks that can be arranged and agrees to meet him in Clemmons’s office while he’s on bus circle duty.
She goes to the office at the agreed upon time. Inside, Veronica digs for the gadget while Mac, clearly not yet informed of the deal, thanks Butters for being so cool. While Butters asks awkward questions, setting himself up for a humiliation I’d pity if he didn’t have it coming, Veronica digs and finds Thumper’s paddle. Just as Mac realizes what’s going on, Veronica finds her confiscated goods. She also snags Weevil’s The Anarchist Cookbook. Butters side-eyes Veronica knowing his locker number. “Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway,” she says, holding up the tag #333, but DON’T LIE GIRL, we know all about your secret Weevil love. Even if he does have a creepy rat obsession these days.
Speaking of, he finds her leaning on the hood of his car after school. (Why would Weevil hang out after school so long?) (D: So that cute blondes with extracurricular activities will lean on the hood of his car, of course!) (M: Veronica may know his locker number, but I’m convinced he’s practically waiting for her after school. <3) She mentions Thumper and Weevil is nonchalant about his former friend’s certain demise. Veronica goes on to ask him about the book. Weevil wants to cut right to the chase to find out if she’s accusing him. Her theory goes like this: Weevil was right behind the bus on purpose, to trigger it. Cervando wasn’t supposed to die – he was in on it. The put the bomb in “Dick’s goody bag” and the rat on the bus to drive the rich kids off of it, not realizing Dick had given the bag to the poor girl he was dating. Except that Cervando can’t have been in on it if this is the running theory – no fucking way he ever took his eyes off the bag with the bomb in it. I don’t care what is his street/book smart ratio is – any smarts = EYES ON THE BOMB BAG.
Anyway, the important detail here is that Logan was supposed to be on that field trip and we all know Weevil would have no reservations and would go to any lengths to off the guy who killed Felix. A full limo full of people seems a bit much, but I suppose it’s worth remembering class warfare tension going on when the season began. It’s weird to consider now, because that’s fallen on the back burner in light of everything else. Or it’s just a sad reminder of how formidable an adversary a slow, ineffectual justice system can be in the fight to keep murdered, poor, marginalized youth in the public consciousness.
Diva:
Sweeney: And on that uplifting note: COME ON NOW SUGAR! (Got there in 8 minutes today! That’s bordering on acceptable teaser length!) (M: This show has warped your view of a teaser.) (S: Probably true.)
After the credits, the rando who stared at V in the halls tracks her down at lunch because he hears she can find stuff. He wants to find a car that ran over his dog. Rando asks how much it would cost to track down the car and wonders if he could be paid in meat. Awk.
Diva: I cannot handle any more dog violence on this show. SOMEONE SAVE THE PUPPIES PLEASE.
Sweeney: Journalism Room For Teen Sleuths. Rando flips through a car magazine to identify the vehicle he saw. It was a green Barracuda. Unfortunately, the magic PI website turns up none registered in Neptune.
Later in that very same room, actual journalism class is taking place! The student editor is trying to track down a Bob Patton who owes a story on the cost of graduation. He asks Veronica to dig up a generic student life photo to fill a big gap in the paper, but Veronica responds by asking about buying an ad in the student paper instead.
In the halls, our new BFF Jackie asks Veronica to put in a good word for her at her Normal Is The Watch Word job. Naturally, V can’t agree to this favor without a snarky YOU’RE A RICH GIRL comment, so Jackie has to explain that her family assets have been frozen, so it’s time for her to go to work. Veronica gets over herself and agrees to put in a good word for Jackie.
Diva: Just sell your dad’s luxury car/helicopter collection, Jackie! Since he’s apparently not using it to pay off his gambling debts or anything intelligent like that.
Mari: He can’t go anywhere right now either! JUST SELL IT.
Sweeney: At work, V’s boss is wary, but Veronica vouches for Jackie and agrees to fire her if she sucks.
Once she gets home, she finds her dad on the couch poring over documents investigating Kendall. He asks if there’s a good reason Kendall would have called Logan three times on the day of the crash and Veronica informs him of the second time Cordelia Chase had squicky sex with a teenager. Keith awkwardly asks how Veronica would feel about confirming whether or not her ex-boyfriend was fucking his best friend’s stepmother the day a bunch of his classmates were murdered. He put it more delicately than that, but I felt that request needed to be broken down and spelled out for what it is.
Mari: She levels him with the glare I’d give my mom when she asked me to do the dishes, so, you know, our lives are a little different.
Sweeney: The next day, there’s a lot of delightful Logan/Veronica banter, but basically: Logan was with her the day of the crash, but she “kicked [him] out before the sheets were dry,” on account of her husband’s affinity for guns and the imminent arrival of her stepsons. Logan has lots of fun mocking Veronica for interrogating him about his sex life.
After a not!break Gia explains that she was the only one looking that way when it happened, but assumed based on some mascot sticker that they were random college douches. She remembers it specifically because she was on the phone with her father, who asked where she was because she was supposed to pick up her little brother after school. In other words, the precisely timed explosion isn’t as useful a detail as it should be because there are about a bazillion people who knew the bus’s location.
Elsewhere, Wallace continues his Jackie-related foot-in-mouth disease, insisting that she date him because he says so and outdoing his own obliviousness to the very different world high school girls inhabit by tactlessly saying, “I mean, you’re already that girl whose dad blew up the kids. You think anybody’s out there going, ‘Yeah, but at least she keeps her hands off other girls’ ex-boyfriends?’” This was painful to watch. Shit, Wallace. Shit. Jackie walks away, rightfully, and Wallace calls after her, “You know what I’m trying to say.” No, Wallace, I don’t think I do.
Diva: I hate how much this show is making me hate Wallace lately. STOP IT, SHOW. I WANT TO LOVE HIM AGAIN.
Sweeney: Veronica goes over to Rando’s house and meets his little brother, as meeting convenient siblings is something of a requirement of Veronica’s visits to classmate-client houses. Rando’s brother has a black eye and a bit of a misogynistic mouth.
Neptune High School Shop. Weevil is working on his car. Hector comes by and Weevil’s ready to fight. Hector says he’s there to apologize because they made a mistake and now they’re desperate. The Fitzpatricks are doing terrible shit to PCHers. Arturo, a freshman who Weevil (gang leader with heart of gold) would not let join and whom we met in Versatile Toppings, when Veronica (in a display of shitty personing) taped him to a pole, had a cigarette lighter taken to his face for missing a payment. Arturo can’t catch a break. Hector leaves and Weevil looks pained.
Mari: Pain must really bring out his eyelashes. They look fantastic in that shot.
Sweeney: It’s delightful because Veronica also comments on his gorgeous eyelashes elsewhere in this episode.
Mars Investigations. Keith comes in with a yearbook, filled with enthusiasm. Veronica makes jokes about her being voted most likely to be a murderer, but misses the obvious “most likely to work for a vampire crime fighting unit, acquire demonic visions, and be manipulated in some weird plot I still don’t understand wherein she’s body snatched and sleeps with her vampire boss’s time traveling son.” OBVIOUSLY, VERONICA. Anyway, she turns to page 87 as directed and finds that Kendall isn’t actually Kendall. SHE’S CORDELIA CHASE. But no, she’s “Priscilla Banks.” I mean, Cordelia’s been a lot of people, so whatever. Priscilla was driving in a car accident that killed Kendall and then in a move that is a level of batshit only people who have seen the things we’ve seen on Angel could process, Priscilla stole Kendall’s identity. Since the bullshit here is too much to process, the most important takeaway from this scene is that the show built in a “Charisma’s actually older than she’s playing” device. Everything surrounding it is fucking ridiculous, but this, my friends, is amazing and not something I noticed until this rewatch and I find it hilarious.
Diva: That is absolutely awesome and hilarious, but yeah, everything else about this is kind of too insane to swallow.
Sweeney: Anyway, Veronica gets an IM as Keith goes on to explain that before stealing a dead girl’s identity, Priscilla spent six months in prison for wire fraud. Veronica’s IM is from an anonymous person wanting money sent via PayPal in exchange for the address of the car. Because that’s not shady as fuck. Poor Keith is crestfallen because Veronica’s not appropriately congratulatory about his A+ detective work. You would have gotten those high fives if you’d traced her all the way back to Sunnydale, Keith.
Veronica goes to the address and finds that the home is owned by an elderly blind woman who also owns the car. She won’t be selling it or letting it out of that garage for the rest of her days, as it belonged to her dearly departed husband. Blind Lady slams the door in V’s face to go back to listening to the TV. Wheel of Fortune, of all things.
Veronica, of course, takes this woman’s disability as an invitation to get her snoop on. Don’t worry, lady, Veronica exploits everyone equally! In the garage, she finds the car. Through weird chemical magic I didn’t understand, she reveals the outline of the recently removed sticker. In the glove box of the car, she finds a gun. My many troubles with this scene aside, I like that they just brought us full circle – Veronica Voice Over wondered if maybe this was dangerous but than laughed off the idea when the home was owned by a blind woman. Here, though, we see that perhaps she was right.
Diva: She should have brought Backup. Mostly because I miss Backup.
Mari: I hope he’s forever safe from all the dog violence in Neptune. SAVE THE PUPPIES.
Sweeney: He’s being kept away for his own good.
Mars Investigations. Keith calls Priscilla’s parents for information. They don’t know where she is, though – the last they heard from her was a Get Well Soon card mailed sans return address from Neptune, CA. Mr. Banks asks Keith to pass word along that her mother passed away if he ever finds Priscilla.
Weevil pops by to ask for Veronica’s help. He wants to get into to Clemmons’s office and apparently it’s common knowledge that Veronica has a key. Less common knowledge that he finally changed the lock. He wants Thumper’s paddle because he’s pretty sure the numbers are the license plates people he delivered to for the Fitzpatricks and Weevil suspects it was made as an insurance policy. One that didn’t work out so well for him. In light of all the beatings, it would be useful leverage against the Fitzpatricks. Veronica asks why Weevil was following the bus: Cervando was “book smart but street dumb” and been running his mouth about hustling Liam Fitzpatrick. Weevil was basically acting as security detail in the event of possible retribution.
Veronica has her own fun with Weevil: she offers to let him keep the useless key and delays her reveal that she photocopied the paddle. She also offers to help him track down who all those plates belong to.
Watch Word Coffee. Veronica Voice Overs that Jackie is a kick ass server after all. She tells Jackie that someone requested to sit in her section. It is, of course, Wallace, who finally says the decent things he should have said – that he likes Jackie and wishes she’d stop worrying about what others thing, but will back off if she’s genuinely not interested. She awkwardly says that she is but will be leaving for The Sorbonne soon. If she’s leaving the day after graduation, all they’ve got is just enough time to get their hearts broken. Meanwhile, Veronica’s green car is on the move, so she has Jackie – on her first day – to cover her tables. Girl.
Diva: Super excited for Jackie going to the Sorbonne, but how is she paying for that? I hope her dad has another helicopter hidden away somewhere so she can hock it.
Sweeney: She follows the car and also listens in as its male driver sings along to the radio. She listens as a woman gets in the car and explains that she saw a flashlight inside. The driver asks her to get his gun from the glove compartment. Veronica immediately calls her father for help. When she tells him where she is he tells her to wait out front with the engine running, prepared to leave immediately if anyone other than him comes out of that house. Veronica rightly freaks out as we see that Keith is, in fact, that mysterious flashlight the car’s driver is going in after.
After a Not Break, Veronica says, “Dad,” anxiously a few more times into the empty line before pulling up behind the green car as ordered. In the house, Keith tries to make for the door, but is spotted by the driver – Liam Fitzpatrick, who is excited to have caught Keith Mars on the wrong end of a robbery in progress. Keith begs Liam not to do this, since he has a daughter. Liam smarms about having met her before firing at Keith. His gun, however, is empty. Way to go, daughter! Except that I also dearly hope she had the good sense not to get her prints all over the gun when she did this. Keith tackles Liam.
Outside, Veronica watches as the woman gets out of the car and comes up to Veronica to ask her what she’s doing there and who is in her house and what the hell is going on. Just then, Keith and Liam come crashing out the window. Veronica tells her to move if she doesn’t want to be a hood ornament and she complies. Liam tells Kendall that he doesn’t know why the former sheriff was in her house. “This is bad,” she says. Liam volunteers to track him down but, “That would be worse,” she answers.
On the ride home, Veronica says that if he hadn’t hung up on her, she could have told him about the gun not being loaded, adding that the bullets are in the ashtray. They have a quick recap moment in which they acknowledge the converging of their respective cases. Keith reveals that he found Kendall’s hard drive and gets the, “Well played,” smile he was probably going for earlier. There you go!
Mars Investigations. Mac is there getting into the laptop, but adds that she’s doing it solely for Keith, because she’s no longer speaking to Veronica in light of the Butters thing. Mac agrees to print all the emails and documents for Keith because he’s old school and wants papers for days and days. (I feel you on this, Keith. I killed a lot of trees in grad school because I needed to be able mark up stuff and write in the margins.) (M: +1. I think I tried an e-book once for a class and quickly regretted it.)
Fortunately, WEEVIL TO THE RESCUE. He struts up and listens to Liam’s trash talking for a hot minute before telling him to be nicer now that he has an amazing list of all the rich and fabulous clients the Fitzpatricks have. “Ask yourself this: how much business did Heidi Fleiss do once her little book went public?” Liam is silent. Weevil hands over the list and tells Liam to hold onto it as collateral. He’s made many copies of that list, adding that the day he goes missing is the day the list goes public. Liam tells him to watch his back. “Why – you’re gonna be watching it for me.” I love badass Weevil and his heart of gold. (D: +1. Best.) With that, the Fitzpatricks head off as the PCHers cheer for Weevil. He’s off too – HE’S A LONE WOLF NOW, YOU SEE. #deep
Mari: THE SNAKE THAT EATS THE RATS AND LIVES ALONE.
Sweeney: Mars Investigations. Veronica has found out that the little old lady is Liam Fitzpatrick’s maternal grandmother. The other thing she shares is what Weevil told her about Cervando, though she doesn’t sound particularly convinced by that as a lead. Keith Mars shows his professional cred again because he’s found the link between Kendall and Liam: Kendall had been partners with Liam’s older brother and most likely did time to cover for him, meaning that the Fitzpatricks owe her a solid or two. Like murdering children for her insurance payout. I don’t really understand the prison-time/child-murder exchange rate.
At the coffee shop where Jackie is working all the tables on HER FIRST DAY, she’s also got to put up with a pushy guy who won’t leave her alone. Wallace says he’ll take the five weeks of happy over nothing and Jackie, unable to resist his charms, sits down and laughs as she accepts his invitation to prom. This is a lot of chatting for the girl with all the tables.
Mars Apartment. Keith is watching the news and calls Veronica out to tell her that they’ve found Lilly’s actual murder weapon – it’s not the ash tray from the pool, but Aaron’s Oscar statue. (D: Seriously? WHY? Also, everyone stop using gold statuettes as murder weapons, please.) This should be good for the case but it’s not; in addition to Lilly’s blood they also found some of Duncan’s hair. We saw how the hair was acquired, but the blood question is unanswered and seriously disturbing.
Mari: More evil things we just don’t want to think about.
Sweeney: Later, Veronica goes to Rando and the brother answers again. His face is newly bruised and Veronica joins the final Fitzpatrick dots. She’s not particularly sympathetic to his drug dealer struggles. He begs Veronica not to tell his brother the truth, not to save his own ass, but his brother’s. His brother is kind of batshit and he’s afraid his brother will wind up in prison or dead for whatever insane thing he’ll do to Liam Fitzpatrick when he finds out.
Veronica Voice Over walks up the stairs to Rando’s room and wonders at how all she’ll have to do is hand over the name of the man who recently tried to kill her father and also probably a bus full of children. She’s confident she wouldn’t miss him. She can’t do it. When she reaches Rando’s room she lies that she didn’t find out who did it. He’s probably all like, “A phone call would have sufficed.”
Next time on Veronica Mars: Veronica helps a classmate who thinks she’s being stalked in S02 E20 – Look Who’s Stalking.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
