Previously: Some random guy was chosen to defeat some random witch.
—
They’re Everywhere
Stephanie: We open at a museum with a tour guide describing a legendary book known as the Akashic records, thought to contain an account of all of time’s significant events. Everyone from Hitler, to probably, most likely warlocks has been looking for it. The guide leads his group to a tablet of dead language engravings and explains that anyone who can decipher it will learn the location of the records. As the tour guide speaks, a shifty eyed guy watches another guy who’s examining the tablet and taking notes. Note Guy announces that he’s figured it out and runs off leaving Shifty to look even shiftier. Maybe don’t talk out loud about your deciphering skills near a tablet that no one can decipher?
Marines: Unless you are trying to get murdered, in which case, keep doing you!
Steph: At a hospital, Note Guy… wait a minute… Is that Misha Collins? I can’t believe it. There’s a real life good-looking guy on Charmed! The 90’s don’t look too good on him, but it’s okay because we know he grows up well.
Mari: For reference:
Steph: Yes. Very good.
Anyway, Misha tells his catatonic dad that he knows the location Akashic records, and that “they” will come after him, like they came after his dad. Phoebe enters in scrubs with some flowers and it’s really weird seeing her do something useful. (M: If it helps, she’s really only here for the plot of the week.) Misha flirty thanks her for all that she’s been doing.
Phoebe leaves as Doctor Hank Schrader from Breaking Bad enters. Dr. Hank thinks it’s time to move Misha’s dad. My brain is about to explode from two proper actors acting at each other on CHARMED. Not that they’re doing a good job at it or anything, but still! Misha leaves and Dr. Hank kind of glitches out of the shot. It’s so oddly done that I had to rewind to make sure it wasn’t a mistake.
On his way out, Misha knocks into Phoebe and she has a vision of someone sticking something very pointy into his head. She runs after him but he’s already down the stairs, and I guess Phoebe doesn’t know how to use them so she just stands there.
Mari: PHOEBE IS PART DALEK?
Steph: Manor. Prue rushes over to Piper and tells her that she thinks Frosted Jerk (Jack. Guess he needs a real name since he appears to be sticking around.) (M: Sad. RIP awesome nickname.) is a warlock because she saw him in one place and then another. She then takes a moment to ask where Phoebe is so that we’re all filled in on her hospital volunteer status and then goes back to her warlock worries. She wants Piper to give her advice on warlock spotting because Piper has dated 12 of them. In the middle of this, Prue notices that Piper is packing up to attend a wedding with Dan. Prue is all, “Ooooh, you’re gonna have seeeeex,” because they’re 10. Prue asks if she’s sure Dan isn’t a warlock too, and Piper is because he hasn’t tried to steal their powers. Prue runs off to consult the Book of Shadows, and the doorbell rings.
It’s Dan, of course. Dan wants to head out right away because he’s ready to get to sexing. Kit starts to hiss at Dan, and Piper gets a “HE’S A WARLOCK” face, closes the door on him, and starts yelling at Prue for the warlock test.
Mari: What? Kit hisses at everything. And she’s a cat so she probably also wants to eat everyone. It’s science.
Steph: I AM THE SAHN.
Manor. Prue and Piper flip through the Book of Shadows. There are 19 warlock death spells, but nothing for identifying them. That actually seems like a pretty crucial thing for the BoS to be lacking. They stumble across a spell for hearing thoughts, and decide that mind reading is an acceptable way to find out if your boyfriend wants to kill you. It’s totally not for personal gain though, just for protection… Because they say so. Prue lights some candles (M: …they already had handy?) and they recite the spell. Naturally, the spell causes them to hear each other’s thoughts. Oh my gosh, Charmed, get your own plots.
Mari: Oz <3
Sorry, that felt necessary. Continue.
Steph: Phoebe comes in thinking lots of worried thoughts about Misha. Piper responds to her concern and then tries to brush it off. Instead of just explaining what happened, they decide to pretend they can’t hear her even though they keep responding to everything she thinks. I don’t understand these people. They tell her that they were looking for a warlock identification spell because all signs point to their boyfriends definitely being evil. Phoebe says all they have to do is prick them because warlocks don’t bleed. Has this been establish previously or are the writers just giving Phoebe random knowledge?
Mari: I tried to remember past episodes and my brain was all, “HA HA HA. NO.” My brain has not stored this information. I mean, the most I can offer is that we’ve seen pretty much all warlocks dying in a burst of terrible special effects, so it could be possible.
Steph: I’m going on warlock blood watch for the rest of the series.
Piper and Prue mentally converse about what a great idea that is while Phoebe stands around being the one normal person in the scene. Phoebe fills her sisters in on the vision she had of Misha and the pokey warlock. She’s going to research on the ultimate source of warlock information: the Internet. She leaves Piper and Prue to mentally bicker with each other.
Buckland. Jack comes in wearing the most hideous outfit ever made. Prue asks him some questions about boring auction stuff, but to be honest, I can barely follow what they’re talking about because of how little I care about her job. Anyway, Jack dodges questions about his business and thinks creeper thoughts about putting people into graves and how Prue will die when she finds out he’s lying. It’s obvious that he’s probably a mortician, but Prue starts backing away from him anyway. Jack leaves and Prue death glares at him and promises that he’ll be the first to die.
Back at the manor, Dan arrives to pick up Piper again. He panics to himself about her potential cold feet and she freezes him. She pokes his hand.
Uh oh, no blood. Phoebe comes downstairs and points out that he’s probably not bleeding because he’s frozen. I can’t believe Phoebe is the reasonable person in this episode.
Mari: I feel like this is happening because we made fun of you in the comments last episode for sometimes liking Phoebe. OKAY, STEPHANIE. SHE IS SOMETIMES THE MOST REASONABLE ONE.
Steph: Ha! See!
Phoebe goes back upstairs so that Dan and his blood flow can unfreeze. Phoebe comes downstairs again and everyone is very excited about his blood except for Dan. He thinks some sensitive thoughts about not forcing Piper into things and they force him out of the house. On his way out, he points out the hornets nest responsible for Kit’s freakouts. (M: Random.) Once Dan is gone, Piper and Phoebe head out as well.
They arrive at an apartment building where Phoebe explains what she learned about the pokey warlocks. They’re called collectors and they use their needle fingers to drain knowledge. They locate Misha’s apartment and find him inside struggling with Dr. Hank and Shifty from the museum. Piper freezes everyone so that Phoebe can position herself for the perfect kick. They unfreeze and she performs said perfect kick and punches Dr. Hank in the face. I hope that Phoebe’s fight choreography will develop into something more visually interesting. At least that could be something to look forward to. Just some wishful thinking.
Misha grabs a gun and shoots both collectors, but they get back up, so he and the sisters run away. Here’s a thing I don’t understand: Does Piper’s power work like in a RPG video game where after she freezes, there’s a cool down period before she can use the ability again? She never freezes people before they run away, and it’s stupid. This may have been explained before, but my brain automatically flushes out Charmed memories as a defense mechanism.
Mari: It’s never, ever explained and my brain kind of remembers that she has frozen people in quick succession before? I don’t know. Nothing makes sense.
Steph: The problem with Piper is that she’s way too overpowered. The ability to freeze can basically solve any situation they get into so they have to pick and choose when it works. Dumb.
Manor. Misha explains that the collectors are the ones responsible for putting his dad in the hospital. Piper finds out from his thoughts that he doesn’t realize they’re warlocks. He thinks about the Akashic records and Piper asks what those are. Turns out, Phoebe already knows all about them because she reads a ton and suddenly has all the knowledge for whatever reason. Misha tries to head out to protect his father, but Phoebe stops him because it’s him the collectors are after now. He tries to make another escape but Phoebe fancy flips him and then straddles him. He’s into it though, so it’s cool. Prue comes in and she’s not too surprised to see this happening on her kitchen floor.
Mari: I really like that stabbing Jack is some how more important that the innocent who has warlocks after him. Great job, ladies! Definitely go take care of that.
Steph: Putting relationships before saving the world is the only consistent thing on this show.
Elsewhere, the collectors plot to get into Misha’s mind, but it’s gonna be hard because of all that witch protection. They decide to get to his mind through his heart before glitching out of the scene.
Jack returns to Buckland along with some overly serious music. He starts to approach Prue but Piper comes in from behind for a freeze and Prue pokes him with her unnecessary dagger. Before Piper can unfreeze him, another more poorly dressed Jack comes in and Piper freezes him too. (M: No recharge necessary…) (S: UGH.) After they share a WTF moment she unfreezes both and the original Jack starts to bleed. Original Jack is all “what are you doing here?” to Other Jack, except he’s really calm about it even though Other Jack was not there before he froze. Whatever. Original Jack confesses that he’s the only Jack and the other Jack is really Jeff, his twin. Well friends, if you thought there wasn’t enough of this ridiculous haired douche, now we get two of them. Jeff visited Prue earlier to check out his brother’s new love interest. Ew. Prue brain-talks to Piper about how that doesn’t explain the deadly thoughts he was having earlier. She asks what Jeff does and he says he owns a chain of mortuaries. A shocking twist indeed. Prue slaps both brothers in their douchey faces and leaves with Piper. Jeff gives his approval.
Mari: His appreciation of face slaps does explain why they would confess to this douchebaggery.
Steph: Manor. Phoebe serves tea with excessively fancy teaware and tells Misha that she knew she had to help him because she has a special gift— the gift of getting all up in everybody’s business. (M: A+) Misha says that he was translating the tablet to get even for his father. They bond over Phoebe’s daddy issues and then set off to make sure Misha’s dad is safe. Prue and Piper come back home but Phoebe forces them back out to the hospital. I feel like 20 minutes of every episode are scenes of people entering and leaving the Halliwell manor. The other 20 minutes are establishing shots.
Mari: That leaves precisely 3 minutes for thumbing through the Book of Shadows, finding nothing, blinking and waving at bad guys, and a flash of bad special effects. BOOM. Episode.
Steph: It’s almost like we could write these ourselves.
The P’s and Misha arrive at the hospital and there’s this really long, stupid scene of the group walking with serious twinkling music. These shots only work when awesome characters embark on a badass mission. That is not the case here. Inside, the hospital is empty except for a braindead woman at the front desk. They rush into Misha’s dad’s room and the collector’s glitch into the scene. Prue teleknocks them away and they glitch all over the place as the girl’s and Misha struggle to get his dad out. Dr. Hank pops over to Prue and takes her dagger and then pops over to Piper to put the dagger against her neck. Shifty pops over to Misha and holds onto his arm menacingly. Phoebe uses the vase of flowers to throw them on Dr. Hank. This gives Prue the opportunity to magically bring Misha over and then magic the dagger back to herself. She tosses the dagger but the collector’s glitch away with dad.
Outside the P’s tell Misha that what he just saw were warlocks and that they’re witches. Misha thinks they’re crazy even though he literally just saw magic and glitching with his own eyes. They point out that he believes in the Akashic records so he should believe in other magic stuff too. Prue says they’re using his dad as a trade: Misha’s knowledge for his father’s life. They suggest heading back to the manor, but Misha has another idea. He leaves and Phoebe goes after him.
Museum. Misha grabs a fire extinguisher, heads over to the tablet, and explains to Phoebe that no one should ever be able to locate the records. He breaks through the glass, and smashes the tablet on the ground. Various museum patrons and history enthusiasts are appalled.
Manor. Prue and Piper head up to the attic and it’s their turn to have their own daddy issues discussion. Piper says that she misses him, but Prue just gets upset and says she misses who he should have been. What this has to do with the rest of the episode? Who knows. What happened to the mind reading? Seems like that just turns up whenever it’s convenient. Prue finds a spell in the BoS to save Eric by removing the knowledge in his head. Piper says that’s a bad idea because then they won’t be able to bargain with the warlocks and get his dad back. Prue says they may have to sacrifice Misha’s dad for the greater good.
Mari: This seems like a super strange conclusion to come to, Prue, what the heck? What ever happened to, you know, vanquishing the bad guys?
Steph: The doorbell rings and it’s poor, poor Dan once again. The mind reading finally kicks in when Dan worries that Piper isn’t coming. Piper explains that she wants to go but she’s not ready yet. Phoebe and Misha show up behind her and make the conversation more awkward. Piper hears the defeat in Dan’s head but she promises that she’ll be ready to leave on time and closes the door on him again. Charmed tries it’s hand at self-awareness by having Dan think about how one day, he’ll actually get to go inside the house. It’s not funny, but props for trying.
Inside, Misha asks if there’s been any sign of the warlocks yet. Prue and Piper brain decide to tell Phoebe what they found out together. They send Misha out of the room and go to the kitchen to discuss. Phoebe is not happy about their options, but it’s more important to save all the dads of the world then just the one. Phoebe starts to leave to break the news to Misha and thinks about how they don’t even care before apologizing for her thought. Prue offers to tell Misha for her, but she says she has to do it herself.
Misha gets a call from the collectors. They fix his dad’s brain so that he can hear his voice and then suck it out again. Dr. Hank tells him to meet them at Golden Gate Park without the P’s if he wants his dad back. Phoebe comes in and Misha thanks her, telling her she’s an angel. He touches her face and tells her that her dad would be super proud of her. They touch each other’s hands all romantic and Phoebe gets ready to tell him about scarficing his dad, but he stops her by asking for more tea. He escapes when she’s gone, but not before leaving behind a mental clue to Piper and Prue about his destination.
The P’s arrive at Golden Gate Park and think of ideas on how to stop the collectors, like maybe using their knowledge or greed against them. If that fails, they’ll resort to their usual back up plan of freezing and magic-pushing away. Phoebe is adamant about keeping Misha’s dad alive because he’s the kind of dad who wants to be with his child, unlike their crap dad. They decide to split up and holler if they see anything.
Next, Prue shows up and magics Shifty away. Piper arrives too and their stupid mind reading spell comes in handy as they hear all of Shifty’s plotting. They pretend they don’t hear them, and when Dr. Hank comes in behind Prue with his finger, Piper freezes him and Prue sends him over to Shifty. They unfreeze and Shifty ends up with Dr. Hanks finger in his head. This causes Shifty’s head to hilariously shrink and then they both poof away in some bad special effects. And then this horrible pun exchange happens:
Prue: “They really shouldn’t have given us the finger.”
Piper: “You read my mind.”
This is a real show that exists, you guys.
Mari: “Exists” is putting it mildly. This is a show that went on for 8 seasons. In case you are wondering how many that is, consider that it’s 7 more than Firefly got. For example.
Steph: I don’t understand the world we live in.
All of the brain suck victims get up fully recovered but no one remembers each other. Phoebe still thinks Misha’s cute though, so maybe he’ll show up at P^3 later to dance to a corny band. Misha and his dad are finally reunited and they’re super happy about it even though they’ve woken up in the middle of a park.
Manor. The mind reading spell has been reversed and Piper rushes to head out with Dan. They’ve learned a very important lesson about how too much knowledge is bad news. All that knowledge helped them vanquish the collectors, but whatever you say, ladies. Prue thinks it’s very sad that Phoebe finally got her own one-episode man but she can’t even remember him. I mean, that’s probably a good thing because they usually just vanish from the show anyway.
Phoebe comes in with some flowers for Prue with a ringing cell phone inside. Piper hears Dan leaving and Phoebe is all, “use your power dumbass.” Piper freezes his car and hurries after him. Phoebe goes to Prue and helps her use the phone. On the other line is Jack and his scary hair. He apologizes to Prue in a douchey way and asks her out. Prue rejects him multiple times and won’t return the cell phone. Good. She hangs up on him, and Jack loves it. Prue and Phoebe giggle and then Phoebe uses the phone to call Tokyo. I don’t even know.
I thought maybe we’d be seeing Misha again but I looked it up and it seems like this is his only episode. So we’re stuck with Jack for now. Hooray.
Next time on Charmed: Prue has to face her fear of drowning (again?) in S02 E08 – P3 H2O.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
