Previously: Andie pretended she’d been assaulted to get back together with Pacey, which made the Snark Ladies indescribably angry, and Gail came back to town after being fired for looking old.
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Escape from Witch Island
Kirsti: For the first time in approximately a million episodes, we DON’T start in the Shrine o’ Spielberg. SCANDAL. Instead, we’re at the video store, being reminded that Dawson has a job. Joey walks in and asks if there are any copies of The Crucible left. There aren’t and she headdesks for being “that girl” who leaves her schoolwork to the last minute and who had no chance to read the book. Dawson’s surprised, and she tells him she was too busy looking after Alexander and setting up the B&B to study. He’s double surprised because apparently his best friend didn’t bother to tell him that her house is being turned into a B&B. LOL. There’s some awkward life catch-up back and forth, then Joey goes to leave and face her inevitable failure.
Democracy Diva: Poor Joey, taking care of that invisible baby. Also, this was maybe the first conversation in Dawson & Joey history that sounded like a real convo actual human people would have. Sadly, that trend does not continue throughout the episode.
K: They exhausted their realistic possibilities in that handful of lines…
Dawson stops her, saying that he persuaded the teacher to let him do a video rather than a paper (because OBVIOUSLY) and for inexplicable reasons, it’s allowed to be a group assignment. Jen and Pacey are helping out, and Dawson suggests that she join them. Joey asks what the movie’s about, and Dawson says that he’s making a documentary about the local Capeside delight, Witch Island.
Diva: Except in my headcanon, Witch Island is MILF Island.
K: “So basically…you’re ripping off the Blair Witch Project,” Joey says. YUP. Dawson gets mock-offended and says he’s making a very serious documentary about hypocrisy and religious persecution. All of which has very little to do with The Crucible, but what the fuck ever, it’s a long established fact that Dawson Leery can basically do whatever the fuck he likes and still get a passing grade. I hate this kid for so many reasons. Anyway, Joey announces that she’s in, mostly because she has no alternative.
Diva: I love when the theme song starts to play halfway through this conversation, as if even the singer can’t bear to listen to Dawson and Joey speak for another mine.
K: Truth. I don’t blame the theme song one bit.
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.
After the credits, we’re treated to awful 90s behind-the-camera footage. You know, the kind with the frame lines in the corners and the little “REC” flashing in the bottom corner. Shiny New Principal informs us that a bunch of teenage girls were banished to an island off the coast in 1692 for practising witchcraft. They all died in a fire the following year.
Diva: For a second, I thought they said this happened in 1962.
K: Knowing Capeside, that would not surprise me at all.
Mitch informs us that it was the best makeout spot in town when he was Dawson’s age. And Gail says it’s where she and Mitch first bumped uglies. Dawson’s grossed out.
Outside Capeside High, the gang discuss Blair Witch. Jen thought it was boring, while Joey was scared. Pacey teases her a little, and she gives him a mock-indignant hip bump while he grins at her adorably.
K: SRSLY.
Dawson word vomits about how the Blair Witch Project revolutionised Hollywood. Ugh. I hate this kid. Jen ignores him, and gives a fabulous speech about how there was no such thing as witches, they were just girls who were giving into their natural urges and exploring their sexualities. But the Puritans weren’t down with that, and banished them as punishment. Joey jokes that Jen’s lucky she lives in the 1990s (because slut shaming is ALWAYS hilarious), and Jen deadpans that she’d totally have been burnt at the stake already.
Diva: JEN FOR PRESIDENT.
K: JEN FOR ALL THE THINGS.
Dawson asks Joey for her help filming interviews, and Jen and Pacey watch them go before Jen asks why she and Pacey have never hooked up. “The smart ass sidekick, he never gets the girl,” Pacey replies. Then he says that it’s really because they don’t need anything from each other. She wanted a small town boy next door good boy while he needed a good girl overachiever who’d help him unlock his ambition. Neither of them fits the bill for the other. Jen’s oddly impressed with his ability to deconstruct situations.
Meanwhile, Andie is gushing to Shiny New Principal about how she’s going to take her appointment as head of the disciplinary committee hella seriously, and she won’t lose his trust. He’s all “Cool story, bro,” and tries to leave, but she says she’s got tons of questions and follows him into his office as he looks resigned.
Outside, Dawson and Joey discuss how much they’ve missed this. Except that Joey thinks the “this” is them being friends and hanging out while Dawson thinks it’s making movies together. Womp womp. He’s all “OH RIGHT, THAT”. But mostly the movie thing. Joey sad pandas as the orchestra of feels does its thing.
More awful 90s behind-the-camera footage. Grams says that Witch Island is proof that God doesn’t like witches or hussies, and Bessie tells a story about a guy from her high school class who disappeared out there. (D: Also, BABY ALEXANDER EXISTS! WE ACTUALLY SEE HIM!) Then a random female student at Capeside High says it’s all a conspiracy from the CIA.
Diva: I would totally watch an entire show about that conspiracy theory girl. Or at least an episode of Veronica Mars centered around her.
K: Same, girl. Same.
The gang head to a dock in the woods to board their boat to Witch Island as Pacey moans about no one having brought snacks. They meet their boat captain, and Dawson starts filming him and asking questions. Boat Guy insists Dawson return the favour, pulling out a camera and saying that he’s making a documentary about people making documentaries about Witch Island. Dawson looks shifty. LOL. Boat Guy warns them not to stay on the island after dark, and Jen scoffs. But Boat Guy says the dead girls can’t “control their natural urges“. We’re treated to more 90s BTC footage as the boat crosses the water to Witch Island, and fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dawson keeps filming as a bespectacled woman introduces herself as Wendy, their guide and a volunteer from the Capeside Historical Society. (D: But she’s clearly actually from Pawnee, Indiana.) She informs Pacey that they have snacks in the gift shop, and he rushes off in search of food. Jen follows when Wendy mentions souvenirs. Joey informs Wendy that Dawson’s ripping off Blair Witch, and Wendy says she’ll take him to the spooky cemetery because that always goes down well with documentary makers. Dawson gets pissy at Joey because Blair Witch was fake and his documentary is totes real. Joey eyerolls.
In the gift shop, Jen flips through spell books and reads stuff out while Pacey pooh-poohs in the background. (D: Pretty sure they just stole all the books from the Magic Box for this scene. Giles is not pleased.) Jen puts on a witch’s hat and decides she’ll try out a spell on him. More specifically, a love spell seeing as they’re not attracted to each other. Pacey insists that he’s a better catch than Ty or Chris (SO TRUE), and Jen scoffs that at least her boyfriends don’t have to go to the asylum or leave town before charges are pressed. Touché.
Cemetery. Joey counts twelve graves, and sounds a little worried because there were thirteen witches. Wendy says that no one ever picks up on that (because apparently no one can count?!), and says the thirteenth girl was named Mary Waldeck and her body was never found. She says there are two schools of thought: either Mary was a legit witch, or she was rescued from the island by her lover, William. (D: Or she fucking drowned and the 1690s didn’t have much in the way of technology to find corpses. God, this is dumb.) (K: SO FUCKING DUMB.) She goes on to tell a story that’s meant to be the seventeenth century version of Dawson and Joey – poor girl taken in by rich family, they become BFFs, then fall in love. They’re found in bed together, the family are God-botherers and get her declared a witch. Joey informs Dawson that he should use this as the subject for his documentary. I laugh and laugh because Dawson is a total one trick pony, and this separated soulmates crap totally fits the bill.
Dawson asks about the fire, and Wendy says it happened at a church in the woods. Dawson asks if she’ll take them there, and she’s all “LOL NOPE” because she never ever ever ever goes into the woods. She suggests they don’t either, but mentions that they have maps in the gift shop if they do want to go find the church.
Speaking of the gift shop, Jen’s mixing up her spell. She reads some words in Latin, which is NEVER a good idea, then drinks some of the gross potion she brewed up. Then she hands it to Pacey, who’s all “EW”. But Jen bats her eyelids and he reluctantly agrees. Jen asks how he feels, but they’re interrupted by Wendy who apparently doesn’t give a shit about the fact that they just used a bunch of stuff without paying for it, but is more concerned with them messing around with forces they don’t understand. She pissily hands Joey a map to the church, and tells them not to get lost because there’s a good chance they’ll never be seen again. All in favour of this happening to Dawson, raise your hands?
Diva: Later in my notes, I actually wrote, “you guys, wouldn’t it be great if Dawson actually died at the end of this episode?,” so, yeah, consider my hand raised.
K: EXCELLENT. Motion passed.
Cut to the gang walking through the woods. Joey declares Mary’s story to be heartbreaking, while Dawson says it’s proof that love can thrive anywhere. She thinks Mary died alone, he thinks they found a way to be together because true love conquers all. The subtext rapidly becomes text, and I bash my head against a table. Joey declares Dawson naive, he declares her cynical, Jen declares them both to be annoying, and I high five her through my television.
Capeside High. Andie hands out conduct violations for dress code violations, pictures of bikini-clad women in lockers, and one to a dude who looks at least 30 who’s got a full on goatee for having sideburns that are past his earlobes. What.
Diva: So, we’re just not dealing with what Andie did in the last episode, like at all? Great. Awesome. Fantastic.
K: Of course not! Sometimes, I hate everything.
Belinda, the bitchy ex-head cheerleader, stares at her with interest.
Conveniently Intact Church. Dawson informs us that the townspeople built a church for the “witches” so that they could find God. They even sent a minister over every Sunday, but the girls just mocked him endlessly so he gave up. Jen, meanwhile, is wondering if Pacey loves her yet. She heads outside. Joey reads a sign, and tells us that a bunch of men from the mainland treated the island like their own personal brothel (EW). When the God-botherers found out, they locked the girls in the church and set it on fire. Because victim shaming is fun. Dawson suggests that William used the opportunity to sneak Mary off the island, but Joey says William could have been the one to set the church on fire. She says Dawson should film a well-rounded investigation, but in typical fashion he has tunnel vision for the soulmates-get-their-happily-ever-after story.
Jen comes back in to ask if Pacey’s returned from peeing in the woods, but NOPE. Dawson says they need to get back or Boat Guy will leave without them. Jen says she’ll find Pacey and meet them back at the docks, because splitting up is a GREAT idea. As they walk back to the dock, Joey wants to dissect the state of her and Dawson’s relationship. He wants to know why they can’t just be happy being friends, and she says that they’ve been not-friends for a while now, and he can’t just will their friendship back into existence. They know nothing about each other’s lives and she’s scared that they’ve lost the bond between them that’s been there for their entire lives. This ramble is interrupted by the noise of the boat starting up.
Diva: Saved by the boat noise. This scene was mind-numbing.
K: Truth.
They rush to the docks and find Boat Guy getting ready to leave. He insists they leave immediately before it gets dark, but Joey and Dawson refuse to leave without Jen and Pacey. Boat Guy leaves without them, shouting out as he goes that they should stay out of the woods. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, it’s dark. Jen and Pacey walk through the woods by torchlight and she asks if he’s in love with her yet. He says all he’s feeling is lost. She agrees, saying that she’d rather be reading the Bible with Grams right about now, rather than being stuck in the woods with Pacey. He gets offended, saying that he’s sick of being the bad guy. Like how Andie was the one who cheated, and yet he comes off feeling like the bad guy. Jen says that he hasn’t felt anything until he’s had a wide-eyed freshman crushing on him and had to break said freshman’s heart. They agree that love fucks things up but sex is awesome. Pacey decides that maybe being friends with benefits is the way forward. Jen gives him a weird look and walks away. We get a strange shot from in the trees as Pacey follows.
Back at the gift shop, Joey’s reading a copy of Mary’s diary, which is talking all about how Mary hasn’t seen William since she was banished to Witch Island, and how she’s beginning to doubt their bond. Dawson rapidly reads the subtext as Joey panics that their super special BFF bond is at its end. He says that he just wants to live in the present rather than dissecting every detail of every interaction, and I have long since stopped caring about this conversation. The tinkly piano does its thing as Dawson asks what happened to Hopeless Romantic Joey. She tells him that she offered herself to the boy she loved and got rejected. Dawson insists that if they’re meant to be together, it’ll work out, and Joey raises an eyebrow before reading another excerpt from Mary’s diary about being powerless to stop the breaking of the bond between her and William.
Diva: I did not understand that this was a copy of Mary’s diary, because it looks so old-timey, so I had a whole rant about how impossible it would be for that 300-year-old book to still be in perfect condition when they let people TOUCH IT with their HANDS. #THINKOFTHEBOOKS
K: Girl, I would have been all over that. Thankfully, it’s a copy.
Luckily, this stupid conversation is brought to a halt by the church bell clanging. Dawson says it’s probably Jen and Pacey, and they rush off into the woods against all the advice they were given. The camera lingers in the gift shop after they’ve gone, and Wendy steps out of the shadows, holding an oil lamp. What the fuck. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with these asshats either, but don’t lurk in the darkness, letting them think they’re alone.
Diva: Also, that oil lamp is CLEARLY A BONG.
K: Our favourite person, the Dawson’s Creek set dresser, strikes again.
Oddly Intact Murder Church. Dawson and Joey run inside to find Pacey and Jen there. Both parties think the other party is responsible for the bell ringing until Pacey points out that there isn’t actually a bell there. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN. Lightning flashes, and everyone gets a wiggins. Literally. Joey says she’s wigging out. Does this count as crossover magic?!
(Fun fact? I did a Google search for “Buffy wiggins gif” hoping for a gif of Buffy saying wiggins, but ALMOST EVERY SINGLE IMAGE RESULT WAS FROM SNARK SQUAD AND ALSO NOT WHAT I WANTED. #SnarkLadyProblems)
Diva: 1430 to everything that just happened.
K: We’re treated to some more creepy shots from the trees, then Joey’s reading Mary’s diary again. Jen asks how it’s going, and Joey says Mary just got a letter from William and also it’s the day of the fire – 10th November 1693. Jen wigs that it’s the 10th November for them too, and I wig a little because I’m writing this post on the 10th November (Team Overachiever). WHAT A CRAZY RANDOM HAPPENSTANCE.
D: And I am writing this post on January 23rd, because I’m Team Underachiever. BUT THAT IS RANDOM AND CRAZY AND PAST!KIRSTI SHOULD PROBS WATCH OUT FOR GHOSTS AND/OR STONER HISTORICAL SOCIETY EMPLOYEES.
K: I don’t remember running into any of either. Good work, past self.
Anyway, the diary says that William’s letter said he’s coming that night to take her away from the island. Jen suggests a happy ever after ending, but Joey’s sceptical. Jen tells her not to let someone else’s love life dictate hers. More creepy tree shots. On the other side of the church, Dawson asks Pacey if he made a mistake telling Joey that they needed time apart. Pacey does the typical therapist thing and turns the question back on Dawson, asking if HE think he did the wrong thing. Dawson’s answer is basically “no but yes but maybe”. Pacey tells him that he always follows his heart, so if his heart told him to put space between him and Joey, it was the right thing to do.
Another creepy exterior shot, this time walking towards the church. Inside, Dawson’s asleep in a pew. Up behind the altar, Pacey and Jen discuss how they still have no feelings for each other and therefore they should become friends with benefits. “Should I take my pants off?” Pacey asks, a little confused. (D: Also: the answer is yes.) Jen suggests they start with a kiss and go from there. Pacey leans in to kiss her, and Jen wonders aloud if it’s just the spell. Pacey has no fucks to give about the spell, and kisses her. They both declare it weird, then kiss some more. Jen declares the second kiss less weird, and they’re heading to full on make out territory when there’s screaming and shouting from outside and fire bursts in through the windows. All four of them panic and run for the door as we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, ultraviolet occult looking symbols flash up all over the walls. Dawson films furiously as Pacey bangs on the church door futilely. The camera work gets really shaky and I fight the urge to throw up. Suddenly a big ball of fire rolls through the church, and they all duck.
The fireball vanishes, and everything else – the flames, the symbols, the screaming – vanishes along with it. Joey tries the door, and it opens effortlessly. They all run outside. Jen, Joey and Pacey are all “LEAVE IMMEDIATELY OMG” while Dawson says there has to be a logical explanation. They have no fucks to give, and sprint through the forest to the dock. When they get there, the boat’s there. They jump in it and speed away from the island.
Cut to Dawson showing his/their terrible movie in class. He wibbles about how he planned on making a documentary, but the love story demanded that it be told. (D: Seriously? All the weird shit that happened there, and he still only cares about those two kids who fell in love three hundred fucking years ago? YOU WERE ATTACKED BY CRAZIES.) The class whisper amongst themselves as Shiny New Principal – who’s apparently their teacher for whatever the fuck class this is – tells Dawson that his movie is utterly brilliant. I eyeroll so hard I actually catch a glimpse of my brain. A random girl points at the footage Dawson shot of the dock as they sped away in the boat, and says that it looks like there are two people standing there. Dawson rewinds the tape and the class mutter at the sight of a shadowy couple standing on the dock. Joey and Dawson exchange a look, as do Jen and Pacey.
A kid comes in and tells Shiny New Principal that there’s a situation he needs to deal with. He follows the kid to the cafeteria where Andie’s doling out punishments to a line of like 50 students. Shiny New Principal is all “THE FUCK??” and Andie happily says that she’s teamed up with Bitchy Belinda and they’re just punishing those who violate the rules of conduct. “The rules of conduct were prepared in 1957. Of course they’re gonna be in violation!” Shiny New Principal says. He tells her to dismiss the students and stop by his office. Andie looks embarrassed.
Video Store. Pacey startles awake to find Jen staring at him. She tells him that they shouldn’t let the creeptastic events in the woods get in the way of their “little experiment“, because it just goes to show that love fucks everything up. They agree that they’ll have sex whenever one or other of them needs a release, but not right now because Pacey’s tired and Jen wants to get home before Roswell starts. LOL. They shake on it, because kissing is too intimate for fuck buddies. Or something. IDEK.
Shrine o’ Spielberg. Joey says the shadowy figures have to be Wendy and Boat Guy, messing with them like they were the entire time. Dawson disagrees. The figures are wearing oldy worldy clothes, therefore it must be Mary and William. They call each other names, but good humouredly. Eventually, she concedes that maybe he’s right, and Mary and William ended up together after all. The subtext turns into text again as Dawson apologises for taking their friendship for granted. She says that instead of trying to jump back in where they were, they should do regular check ups on each other. Or something. I’ve stopped caring again. They smile at each other, then Joey points at the TV and says “I think this is one X-File we’re never going to close“. EXCUSE YOU. Do not sully The X-Files with your shitty Blair Witch Project rip off.
Dawson suggests they go back and make a sequel, and Joey’s all “LOL NOPE”. They chuckle a little, then Dawson asks how she did on her PSATs. “Brilliantly,” Joey smiles, and we zoom in on the footage of the shadowy figures as we fade to black.
I have dim dark memories of really hating this episode because it was really fucking stupid, and I’m pleased to see that sixteen year old Kirsti’s assessment of this episode was spot on. But perhaps more importantly, WHERE THE FUCK IS JACK???
Diva: My final thoughts were, “Why did they have to shove in this random Andie storyline for no reason, but Jack can skip multiple consecutive episodes? NEEDS MORE JACK.”
K: The Snark Ladies are in agreement. Less shitty plotlines for Andie, more Jack across the board. And less Dawson. Always less Dawson.
Next time: It’s Thanksgiving and that can only mean endless family drama in Capeside in Dawson’s Creek S03 E08 – Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
