Previously: Being trapped in a mall helped Ryan get over in Lindsay.
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The Blaze of Glory
Kelly: My history with the OC is that I watched obsessively in high school, but I can’t remember how many seasons I got through. All I really remember is rooting for Anna, and I’m pretty sure her time here has come and gone. (M: SADLY.) I do know the basics of the main drama-makers here.
We open at what I assume is their high school, though everyone is a good seven years older than I was in high school. They must be a bunch of idiots.
Seth is reminiscing about how last year was so much better, even though his list of last year includes “possible illegitimate daughter”, but I get too distracted by Seth’s sweater vest and the fact that I think Ryan is wearing bell-bottom jeans to really pay close attention.
Mari: Season 1 was way better though. Except for the Oliver thing. And Anna leaving. But, you know, the other stuff.
Sweeney: OH GOD THE OLIVER THING. Worst. Otherwise, yes, season 2 has been painfully boring. Even the soap opera plot lines have managed to be strangely dull and 0% compelling.
Kelly: They talk about a pep-rally bonfire coming up, and I have to wonder why the hell you would have a spring bonfire in the first place. Because California isn’t hot enough already. (S: Also, it’s perpetually on fire, so this shit is hazardous and terrible in every way.) But considering the title is Blaze of Glory, I can only assume it’s Contrivance’s fault. Their conversation consists of Seth trying to get Ryan to admit he still likes Marissa, which Ryan doesn’t really deny.
Alex is dropping Marissa off at school, and Seth is making inappropriate comments about getting them to kiss. Thankfully he stops when Marissa walks up to them, but then he suggests Ryan walks Marissa to class in the creepiest way possible. I remember liking Seth when I was younger, but he’s not off to a good start here. (M: Join the club.) (S: It’s shaping up to be more of a support group.)
Summer is also not amused by his skeezy antics because she comes up and tells him not to interfere. Her stank face accurately conveys how I feel.
CALIFORNIAAAAA!
Sandy is teaching Kirsten how to golf. Understandably, she is annoyed at his very detailed explanation on how to swing a club. My husband likes to explain everything twice in as much detail as possible, so I totally feel you, girl. Kirsten has the same spirit about her that I get when I try something exactly one time and am not an expert at it. She quits.
Sweeney: Same. The worst, though, is when people repeat the same advice. I still have traumatic memories of skiing and being told approximately 938475 times to “make a pizza” as if they just needed to say that a little slower and with slightly different emphasis to make it work for me.
Kelly: They talk about the newest issue of Newport Living, and Kirsten mentions that Carter Buckley is their editor. Sandy reveals he obsessively read one of Carter’s magazines years ago. She has to go, and as she leaves, he mentions that she’s now wearing her wedding ring and it’s a little awkward. I didn’t see the storyline involving the ring, so I’m not sure how much I’m reading into the awkward.
Back at school, Seth debates whether or not he should continue interfering in someone else’s relationship, even though it’s clear that he should stay in his own lane. Ugh. Everything about Seth in this episode creeps me out. I do not remember him being this pushy and scheme-y. He suggests that Marissa asks Ryan to help her with the bonfire, and she thinks it’s a good idea.
Marissa gets a call from her mom and quickly tells her she’s not coming home and hangs up. Her mom is frustrated, and for a split second I think, “oh my god is she going to call her a bitch?” but she says “She is such a little me,” and it cracks me up. Apple + tree.
Sweeney: “Self-aware” is the best color on Julie. (Most people, really, but her especially.)
Kelly: Creepy Leather Jacket Guy stands in the doorway and gets all threaten-y to Julie about money that she owes him, gesturing to the surprisingly ominous magazine cover she has in her office with her own face on it. Apparently she owes him a lot, and now her magazine is on the line because of it. I find out his name is Lance, and I think it’s hilarious that he uses the phrase “somehow perfect reputation” because I also cannot fathom how she actually thinks she has a good reputation with anyone. He blackmails her with what I think is a sex tape and stalks away. Julie looks to the magazine cover of herself like she’ll find the comfort she needs there. Knowing her, she probably won’t.
Mari: “I’m so distraught, let me look at my face!” Never change, Julie Cooper.
Kelly: Kirsten walks into work and finds out that Carter has cancelled on their meeting. The receptionist hints that he was drunk when he called and Kirsten looks disappointed. Even more so when Julie walks by and cancels on her, too. Lonely Kirsten heads to her office.
Marissa and Summer are eating lunch, but really it’s just edamame and water. Personally, I was more of a 3 pieces of pizza kind of girl in high school, but ok. Ryan joins them, and Marissa asks him to help with the bonfire. Ryan and Summer both seem confused by Marissa asking him, but Ryan agrees to help. Seth comes up and obviously thinks them working together is a great idea. Summer leaves to hunt down Seth, and Ryan gets a little bummed when he finds out he and Marissa are meeting at her apartment with Alex.
Creepy Julie stands in the doorway and gets all threaten-y to Sandy about money she owes a guy (I sense a pattern). She shows Sandy the cause of her troubles: The Porn Identity. It took me a good minute to realize it was supposed to be a play on The Bourne Identity. Can someone confirm that, because that is hilarious and nonsensical.
Mari: HA! I have no idea, but that’s great. We saw a minute of it in the previous episode and it seemed to be a basically, “did anyone call for pizza,” porn, but now I want to believe that the plot evolves shortly afterward. Or something.
Sweeney: I also did not catch this, and it seems unlikely because it’s mentioned elsewhere that it was the 80s, but I don’t care because I want to believe this is true.
Kelly: Sandy tells her to go to the cops or her husband, but she won’t. She begs him to help her by coming up with half a million dollars, and his helpful eyebrows can’t refuse.
Summer finds Seth in the library hiding from her, probably because he knows he’s being a dick. She drags him to the back of the library in her shiny mesh crop top and asks him why he’s still interfering in someone else’s relationship. His first response is “what is your problem, woman?” and I dislike him more and more. She calls him an asshat, and I giggle. Summer reminds him that Ryan & Marissa together are disastrous, but Seth continues to run from that fact.
Alex and Marissa share a brief phone call in which Jealous!Alex finds out that Marissa is working on a project with Ryan and is not too happy about it.
Kirsten goes to check on Carter. He is a bachelor to the max(elor), playing his music insanely loud and brushing off his drunk 3am cancellation. It’s revealed that it’s his wedding anniversary and he’s wallowing in a divorcee pity party. He comments on her wearing her wedding ring and I wish I felt like paying for the episode before this because I need to know if she “lost” it on purpose and how shady she’s being.
Mari: Oh, girl, save your money. She took her rings off because she was pissed at Sandy and pretended to lose them. It was all very dramatic.
Kelly: He basically swears he’s not going to get sober anytime soon and doesn’t want to work on the magazine for them. I mean, Julie Cooper is heading it up, who would? She tries to convince him, but he says he’d “rather be drunk” and she looks disappointed and leaves.
Sweeney: “I’d rather be drunk,” was a common refrain of our friends when we asked them to do this. It was only by assuring them that drinking and participation were not mutually exclusive that we started to woo people, so maybe try that, Kirsten. (Dammit, I forgot to drink while writing this).
Kelly: Cohen Mansion of Dreams. Ryan is having trouble designing the bonfire, and I just need to stop here. WTF? Who designs a bonfire? It’s like an extra big fire. That’s it. Why are we designing anything? (M: Rich people?) (S: That’s the go-to answer in Newport. “I’m just not wealthy enough to understand how the world works.“) Anyway. Seth asks Sandy about his relationship with Kirsten and says he senses tension between them. Not something I would ever ask my dad, but ok. Of course, Seth turns that into a lesson for Ryan about how love takes work. Sorry, why does anyone like Seth? Ryan asks to borrow Captain Oats and Seth gives his plastic horse a pep talk about neighing if Ryan touches him inappropriately. Ryan punches Seth super hard in the arm and I fist pump. He tries to play it off, but Adam balls up after he tries to deliver his line and you know Ben punched Adam so hard and they probably didn’t even try another take after that. I know Adam and Seth are two different people, but I’m totally ok with all this.
Mari: I laughed more than the scene probably called for. He’s had that punch coming.
Kelly: There’s a short scene to help us pass the time where Julie and Marissa try and out-brat each other. (M: A+)
Alex shows up in Seth’s room to ask for his advice, and I cringe. She says it’s about Marissa, and I yell at her to run for the hills. Girl, he cannot help you. He assholes about how he needs a brush up on their relationship and asks for pictures of them together. She hits him with a pillow, but this would have been a better scene for Ryan to punch the crap out of him.
Seth obviously can’t tell her there’s nothing going on between Marissa and Ryan because he’s a douche who can’t be a good friend, which gives Alex the wrong impression. It’s super annoying to me, especially when Alex admits that she’s falling for Marissa. Things get really confusing here for me because there’s something about the other night at the mall and Ryan & Marissa sleeping in a tent together, and it’s clear that neither Alex nor myself know the full story. But she’s pretty clearly pissed off, and Seth finally realizes that meddling is a terrible idea as he fumbles his words until she walks out the door.
Sentimental piano music plays as Ryan walks up to Marissa’s door and pauses, brooding. She lets him in, they talk about the bonfire, and there is a huge amount of tension. Sexual? Awkward? Bonfire-y? I’m not really sure.
Mari: If someone told me I had to design a thing that is usually just a bunch of sticks together, I know I’d feel a lot of tension.
Kelly: Sandy pulls up to a motel and we hear “Rock You Like a Hurricane” blaring from inside. Excellent choice, too bad it didn’t make the season 2 soundtrack. There’s no way that someone hasn’t complained to the front desk about this yet because it is hella loud. He knocks and we find out that Lance is staying here. What is it with the bad boys in this episode listening to music that is way too loud to be good for your ears? Sandy tries to negotiate with Lance about Julie’s sex tape, but Lance won’t budge and wants $500,000 from Julie. Sandy asks who will care, and Lance points out that Julie will. Unfortunately, that holds the most weight here.
Ryan is leaving Marissa’s and they both seem happy about the bonfire. Marissa lets it slip that Seth suggested they work together, which is news to Ryan. He explains that Seth is stuck in last year and wants them to be too. Neither of them admit to whatever their actual feelings are, so it stays weird. I keep wanting to label everything they do as awkward, but I think that’s just how they are. They hug (awkwardly, see?) and he leaves. We see Alex watching from her car, drinking what I assume is a beer but could easily be a Dr. Pepper. If it is, that’s terrible product placement.
Whatever it is, she hurls it at Ryan and stands there with a bunch of sass. When he tells her she almost hit him, she says “Let me try again,” and gets up in his grill. He can’t figure out if she’s serious or not first, but she shoves him a few times and tells him to stay away from Marissa. He gets serious with her and tells her to walk away, but his bangs are so un-badass that I don’t think I’d really see him as a threat if I were her.
Mari: I’d feel like I’d just get the sudden urge to reach out and sweep them aside.
Kelly: She walks inside.
Next day. Sandy and Kirsten are in what I assume is their bedroom because he appears to be walking out of the shower. There’s also a dining table, though, so who knows. Sandy wants quality time with Kirstin but she has to work. She explains that Carter isn’t working with them anymore and asks for a copy of his old magazine, Revolution. I smell an intervention!
Ryan finds Seth in the kitchen, and Seth asks him how things went with Marissa. They went great, but when Ryan tells him things with Alex didn’t go as well, Seth looks accurately guilty. Ryan explains that she threw a beer (but really Dr. Pepper) can at his head and shoved him, and Seth does a terrible job at acting surprised. There are so many more appropriate times in this episode when Ryan should have punched Seth, and this is one of them.
Sweeney: On other shows we like to savor those punch moments in gif form so that we can insert them into all the other places they so clearly belong. Here you go:
Kelly: Seth tells the truth while trying really hard not to tell the truth. He also admits to suggesting Marissa and Ryan work together on the bonfire, and Ryan yells at him to stay out of it.
Mari: Ryan has this habit of yelling at Seth and then immediately looking like he just kicked a puppy. BUT SETH NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT. Stick to your guns, Ryan. Yell away.
Kelly: He explains that just because Seth and Summer are back together doesn’t mean that everyone who has ever broken up should get back together, which any normal human would know. Seth is all “everyone was happier in the past, last year was the best, blah blah,” and I’ll be the first to say I’m too nostalgic, but come on dude, get over it. Seth doesn’t apologize for being a shitty, meddling friend, and Ryan returns Captain Oats and walks away. Is Seth the Dawson of this show?
Mari: LOL. I feel like no one is the Dawson except Dawson. But, he’s like distant relative of the Dawson on this show.
Kelly: Marissa & Alex’s apartment. Marissa gets a message from Ryan saying he won’t be at the bonfire that night. She looks bummed, and when Alex (who is standing creepily in the doorway because that’s a thing this episode) asks who it was, she lies and says it was her mom.
Alex comments on how Marissa was asleep when she got home the night before (which means that Marissa was probably faking sleep since Alex walked in about 3 minutes after Ryan left). Marissa says she was tired and Alex suggest she sleep in a tent with Ryan since she already has. Marissa explains that she was going to tell her but didn’t want to make it a big deal. Alex says it wasn’t a big deal until Marissa lied, but I highly doubt that if Marissa admitted to it earlier, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But I totally get that “I was hoping it wouldn’t be a big deal so I didn’t tell you about it but now it’s a huge deal because of everything” mentality. Alex says it’s no big deal (throw those words back in her face girl), walks away, and slams the door.
Julie goes to check in with Sandy, hoping he’s solved her porn problem. But Sandy comments that Lance is sleazy but not stupid. Lance has the rights to the video and can sell it if he chooses. Julie refuses to believe the law doesn’t account for her young mistakes and begs him to find another way. He says he’ll continue to work on it and she should worry about Marissa. I almost do a spit take when she asks, “Why is it that the one person who knows what’s best for their child is the last person that child wants to hear from?” because 1. I don’t necessarily think that the parent knows what’s best for their child, especially as their child grows up into their own person, and 2. Julie Cooper doesn’t know what’s best for anyone, even herself.
Mari: RIGHT. And we got here because Julie slept with Marissa’s ex-boyfriend, then tried to institutionalize her when she got upset about that, then yelled at her a lot for dating a yard guy and a woman. So, SHUT UP JULIE COOPER.
Sweeney: Just chiming in here to echo the chorus of, “Julie Cooper is the worst parent ever, ever.”
Kelly: Sandy wisely says that sometimes it’s not the message but the messenger, which I find to be a 100% true statement, and Julie at least looks like she’s going to consider that advice.
Kirsten leaves a copy of Revolution in Carter’s mailbox. Intervention: commenced.
Summer’s room. Summer and Marissa are talking about Alex. Summer continues to be the most reasonable person in this episode. She asks Marissa if she should just move home. When Marissa says she can’t, Summer asks, “Because you love Alex and wherever she is, that’s your home?” But as sweet as that is, it’s just because it would make her mom too happy. Marissa is confused (what else is new) and Summer tells her “you can’t ride two horses with one ass.” Good one, Summer. Almost as good as Sandy’s advice earlier.
Summer asks who told Alex about the tent, but Marissa doesn’t know. Summer realizes it was Creepy Cohen and threatens to kick his ass back to last year, storming out of her own room.
Julie shows up at the pool house and apologizes for interrupting Ryan in his brooding. He says he’s in the middle of a major session and almost asks her to leave, but she gives him a look that says “I bet you won’t.” Instead, he asks her what’s going on, and she tells him that he needs to go to the bonfire. She explains that Marissa listens to him and if he tells her to come home, it won’t be like letting her mom win. He refuses to interfere with her life, which seems really smart and non-Seth-y. He even asks “What, are you and Seth on a team now?” She tells him Marissa’s future is slipping away from her and gets dramatic and pouty.
Mari: And so the curse of people asking Ryan to butt into everyone’s life continues.
Kelly: He doesn’t say yes or no, but we cut to him pulling up in front of Marissa and Alex’s apartment. Drunk Alex answers the door and continues to threaten Ryan. She also asks, “What, are you and Julie Cooper a team now?” Ha. He tells her if she’s gotta work this hard, it’s not working and then storms off. He would know, I guess.
Marissa is trying to handle the bonfire by herself and flailing and pouting. Probably because it’s something that’s meant to be set on fire and not elaborately designed and executed. Of course, Ryan shows up. In jeans and a jacket. At the spring Bonfire. What is this world?
Sweeney: To be fair, it gets chilly at night on the coast! Also the standard for what constitutes jacket weather is very different.
Kelly: Marissa excitedly tells everyone to listen to Ryan to complete the bonfire and immediately walks away, leaving Ryan to fend off 30 students wielding wooden horse legs and yelling. After a second of stammering, Ryan jumps up and starts organizing everyone, and Marissa looks on all wooed and “maybe I don’t want to date a girl anymore”-like.
Mari: Not unless she can find a girl who can design bonfires!
Kelly: Kirsten’s lonely office. Not so lonely when Carter shows up! Her grand gesture of leaving one copy of an old magazine in his mailbox and saying nothing has worked! He’s there to help with the magazine.
Summer shows up to confront Creepy Cohen. They go to find Ryan so Seth can apologize, but he’s not there. They realize he went to the bonfire and there’s this amazing exchange:
Seth: Do you think he went to the bonfire?
Summer: If so, we have a four alarm emergency on our hands. Break out your hose, Cohen!
Seth: *looks confused and glances down*
Summer: …it’s a metaphor.
Sandy shows up at Lance’s motel with a contract to buy the sex tape. Not as difficult as it originally seemed, I guess. Sandy calls Julie to tell her that she’ll have to get the money from Caleb. She says she’s screwed, and Sandy snarks “I know, I saw the footage.” Ba-zing.
Sweeney: I didn’t like this. It unsettled me. I get that Sandy is doing her a favor and he’s a saint for that, but this whole plot squicks me out and even just joking about watching in the tape falls in the, “Not cool, bro,” category.
Kelly: Bonfire time. Ryan and Marissa are happy with how it all came together until Alex shows up with two dudes dressed like she picked them up from an 80’s music video on the way over. She sics them on Ryan, but Marissa yells at them to stop, drawing the attention of everyone at the bonfire.
Mari: I was totally expecting at least one punch to be thrown since they’ve been talking so much about season 1 in this episode. Alas. Instead we get to watch Misha Barton emote.
Sweeney: Life is profoundly unfair.
Kelly: Marissa and Alex walk off to talk/yell at each other and it becomes obvious to both of them that they don’t fit very well in each others’ lives. Alex says something will eventually happen with Marissa and Ryan, and Marissa doesn’t deny it. Marissa apologizes for hurting her and says she wanted it to work out. Alex apologizes for bringing her skeezy friends to the bonfire. She says she might go back home to save money and go to school. She looks out at the bonfire and says it actually looks kind of fun, and I get so sad for her here. She’s just trying to be a big, tough adult and take care of herself, but she’s also a girl trying to get her shit together who just got dumped.
Sweeney: I love her so much. She’s the latest hypotenuse to bite the dust, and like the many before her who we’re clearly too good for this show, she’s got to leave Newport entirely.
Kelly: They hug and walk back to the bonfire where Ryan is making small talk with the thugs. Alex apologizes to him, and he accepts it easily. Homeboy knows what it’s like to take your anger out on the wrong people.
Seth and Summer show up just as Marissa and Ryan are about to light the bonfire. Unfortunately, this whole episode has come full circle to inflate Seth’s way-too-large ego and confirm that he was “right” the whole time about Marissa and Ryan getting back together. Ugh.
Summer asks what they want to do now, and Ryan asks Marissa if she wants to go home. She nods, and we fade away from the drama like smoke from a (M: very designed) bonfire.
Thank you Snark Ladies for giving me a chance to be a part of this!! This was fun, knowing just enough about the show to have no idea what’s going on in season 2.
Next time: Trey’s out of jail and headed for Newport on The OC S02E17 – The Brothers Grim
I am a twenty-something (seriously does anyone remember how old they are after 21?) business owner, candle collector, and excessively nostalgic singer. I spend most of my time trying to tell good stories through music.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
